Happily Divorced (2011) s02e05 Episode Script

Happily Divorced is shot before a live audience.
Fran? Donna! Oh, my God.
It's been, like, forever.
Wow, hey, Cesar, say hello to my friend Donna.
She used to live in the house next door.
Oh, hello.
Miss Fran said how nice you were, Letting them use your pool for big parties whenever No, that's not her.
No, not that neighbor.
So how have you been? - I've been great.
- Oh, good.
I've been great, we just moved into the neighborhood.
- Oh, how great.
- And I saw your shop.
Ah, frantastic flowers.
Frannie, you did it.
I know and Donna, your nose.
You did it too.
Both our dreams came true.
So good to see you.
So, how's Peter? Where is he, is he out? Oh, yeah, he's out.
So, uh, guess why I'm here.
I need some flowers for a christening.
Oh.
Meet the newest member of our family.
Oh, Donna, congratulations.
Oh, she's beautiful.
She looks just like you Did.
And Donna, a baby at our age.
Wow, good for you, girl.
- Fran! - What? This isn't my daughter.
This is my granddaughter.
Ay, little Ilene got knocked up? Little Ilene is 23 and married.
How the hell did that happen? It happens.
Oh, honey.
These arrangements, they're so beautiful.
Yeah.
So, we're the same age, And you're already a grandmother, And I've never even been a mother.
Isn't that interesting? Well, you look through there.
I'm gonna show you Some gorgeous roses that we just got in.
♪ she was certain that he was her one and only ♪ ♪ but their union always seemed a little forced ♪ ♪ she got married anyway ♪ ♪ turns out that he was gay ♪ ♪ they're still in love ♪ ♪ but now she's happily divorced ♪ I cannot believe that Donna and bill are grandparents.
I don't have anything.
I don't I don't have kids.
I don't even have that dog You wouldn't let me buy from the Beverly center.
Please, don't start with the dog again.
Can't we just go back to, "you ruined my life And stole my youth"? I wanted her.
I would have had grand-puppies by now.
Frannie, listen, big difference Between having a baby and having a dog.
You cannot tie your child up to a parking meter And go in for a latte.
You can if there's no line.
What? Fran, look at the positives.
No kids, no stretch marks.
Mm, no stretch anything.
Always a crowd pleaser.
Fran, we're in a whole new chapter of our lives.
What, chapter 11? No, the chapter that all those people with kids Can't wait to get to.
"A", we can go out whenever we want.
"B", we can have sex without the kids walking in.
Well, there's "A".
You're not making me feel better.
Look, Fran, the having kids chapter it's gone.
We're on a different path now.
We can't go back.
We both have to just embrace the future and move on.
You know what I would like to embrace? A Lhasa Apso.
- Fran.
- Peter.
- Fran.
- Peter? - Karen, hey.
- Hi, Karen.
Hey, how are you? Judi, this is Karen.
She's from my realty office.
She's my work-wife.
I fell in love with this guy When I saw that photo on his desk of him In his little fireman costume from Halloween.
When he was five or the one he took last year? Hey, where's Douggie? Oh, we broke up.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, I know what you need.
You need a drink at Friday's by the airport.
That's where the office goes to get crazy.
I know.
I married him.
Listen, Frannie, are you sure you're okay With this whole baby thing? Eh, I made peace with it.
Peter's right, just move on.
No babies for me.
You know what, Frannie, This could be a blessing.
You know, having kids can be a big mistake.
That's a direct quote from my mother.
Hey, guys.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Oh, hey, Petey.
Okay, your man is here.
I am going back to the bar.
- I need to do something.
- What? The bartender.
- Hey, doll.
- Hey, honey, how you doing? Well, looks like you're feeling better.
Yeah, I am, thank you.
You have a good time with Karen? Oh, we always have a good time.
But, you know, since she broke up with Doug, It's Uh, it's weird, you know? We ended up having the same conversation you and I had.
- Really? - Yeah, you know, She's not getting any younger and she's starting To wonder if maybe the whole baby chapter Passed her by.
Well, I'm sure you said the perfect thing to her, Just like you did to me.
Well, not exactly.
Oh, what'd you say? I said that I would be her sperm donor.
What? Well, you of all people should understand What's she going through.
So you mean you're gonna give Karen, Your work-wife, a baby? Yeah.
Isn't that interesting? So you're gonna give your sperm To another woman? Yes.
Well, that's impossible.
Why? Because when you wake up tomorrow, The thing that the sperm comes out of Is gonna be missing.
I understand that you're angry.
Oh, you think? You're the one that said, "we can't go back.
We have to move on to a new chapter.
" Well, I'm moving on to the next chapter.
What the hell are you going back for? Because I didn't think I could.
Well, now I can.
- No, you can't.
- Well, I want to.
Well, too bad.
Hey, you're the one who said I would make such a great father.
Look, I also said you'd make a great husband.
I'm no genius.
Shouldn't one of us, at least, get to have this chapter? - No.
- And that's fair? Yes.
I don't care.
I'm doing it.
At least a part of me gets to live on.
Oh, and the rest of you gets to live with me? Whoo-hoo! Well, thanks a lot.
I really thought you'd be more supportive.
You know, we all thought a lot of things, Peter.
I thought that if you were ever Going to have a baby, it would be with another man.
But a woman? It's unnatural.
It's it's sick.
It's just Sick.
I can't believe Peter is doing this to me.
I just feel so empty and hopeless and alone.
You have every right to feel that way, darling.
Good to see you.
Ma, I'm in turmoil here.
Why are you rushing me? Dori, are we doing this or not? Oh, you're here.
I don't know how long these pills are gonna last.
I got them online from Mexico.
It's the middle of the day.
Not when you eat dinner at 3:00.
So, uh, what's going on? Quickly.
Her husband is having a baby with another woman.
He changed back? You can do that? No, he's just donating his sperm to her.
Oh, that's nice.
Get rid of her.
I just don't get it.
I mean, I'm married to him for 18 years, She has the baby.
I don't even get a puppy.
Oy, again with the dog.
Well, it's not fair.
Sweetheart, if life were fair, Your father would be Ricardo Montalban.
Sweetheart, you could have had a baby, But you made choices that didn't allow that Like marrying a gay man.
He wasn't gay when I met him, ma.
He only turned to men after 18 years Of marriage to me, because Well, I don't like where this is going.
You should be happy it's not you.
You know how much work it is to be a single mother? Getting up every four hours for a feeding, Or in your case, every half hour.
Changing diapers five times a night, Or in your case, ten.
I get it, ma, I ate a lot and I pooped a lot.
And what about men? I mean, how much are you gonna have sex With a kid in the house? By kicking the kid out.
Maybe you're right.
I mean, it is gonna be very hard on her.
Maybe someone should tell her that.
You think? I think that anybody who tells her Would be doing her a big favor.
They would.
Listen, sweetheart, you just think about it.
You take as much time as you want.
Just let yourself out, And I'll check on daddy.
Fran, this is so nice.
We should get to know each other better Now that Peter and I are entering Into a long-term commitment.
Yeah, and with no sex.
We have a lot in common.
So, Karen, you know, I gotta say, I'm really in awe of you.
I mean, a lot of women would be afraid To raise a child without a partner.
Because of the feedings every four hours And the sleepless nights.
Well, it is a little overwhelming.
Right? But I feel in my heart it's just something I have to do.
Right.
I know it would be easier to do this with another person.
But ten years with Doug He had no idea what he wanted.
I feel like I practically wasted my youth.
Wow, this is getting freaky.
Maybe things would have worked out between us If he was as sensitive to my needs As Peter is to yours.
You know, Peter said no to me at first - When I asked him.
- He did? Because he knew what you were going through And he didn't want to upset you.
You, of all people, who have been nothing But loving and supportive to him, Especially when he came out.
Yeah, well, he don't have the best memory.
But I knew, when he told you That he had the chance to be a father, No woman who loved him as much as you do Could ever deny him that.
No, no woman would.
And how lucky is this kid gonna be To have someone like Peter in his life? Oh, so lucky.
I'm so glad we could do this.
Thank you so much for inviting me over.
Thank you for having a baby with my husband.
Ah.
Hi, there, I'm Peter Lovett.
I'm here to leave a sample.
Okay, when was the last time you had sex? With or without a person? As long as it wasn't in the last 48 hours.
- Uh, no.
- Okay, well, I'll call you when there's a room available.
Have a seat and relax.
Oh, don't you worry about me.
I'm perfectly relaxed.
- Peter.
- Do you have a Xanax? Fran, what are you doing here? I wanted to talk to you.
Fran, not changing my mind.
That's okay, because I just wanted to apologize.
I'm so sorry that I tried to deny you The chance to be a father.
- But? - No buts.
Oh, well, thank you.
Apology accepted.
- But - and there it is.
I was just hurt and jealous because I always thought that if there was going to be A little Peter, it would have been ours.
But then you found someone else To hold your little Peter.
Caress it, kiss it, and watch it grow.
Peter, I think that you are going to make A wonderful father, And I want you to have that chapter.
- I love you, sweetie.
- I love you.
Excuse me, are you his recipient? Well, I was for 18 years.
But now he's going in another direction.
The recipient is Karen Jameson.
I'm the ex-wife.
I'm just here to lend a helping hand.
Uh, listen, I know that sounds weird, But if you knew anything about us, - It's so biggie.
- No.
- Not that it's a smally.
- No.
It's sort of a middle of the roady.
It's nice.
Just sign the release.
Release? That's funny.
Mr.
Lovett? It's been 45 minutes.
Is everything all right in there? Uh, I think I will take one of those visual aids.
I checked the drawer, but do you have anything With same-sex couples? Oh, something with two women? Yes, but with two men and no women.
There's three on the bottom.
Okay, um Is that the location or the name of the film? Sweetie, do you want me to Google Hugh Jackman for you? No.
Well, uh, you want me to come in and help you? No! Well, what can I do? Do you me to talk like this? Don't talk in any way.
So these are all our donor BIOS With photos, stats, and medical history.
Mm, that one's cute.
Is he available? Are you looking to have a baby? No, just dinner and a movie.
Next.
Yay, you did it! Wait, did you purell? Honey, who are you talking to? Oh.
♪ so you're gonna be a daddy ♪ I know, me.
But, I'm not gonna be like my dad.
- No.
- No, I am going to be there.
I'm gonna take him to baseball games And football games hockey games.
He is going to teach me so much.
Hi, Peter.
- Karen.
- I need to talk to you.
Hey, good news.
I got her done.
Oh, God.
I hope you're not gonna be mad, But I can't go through with this.
- What? - Why? Well, I called Doug to talk, And one thing lead to another And we've decided to give it another shot And see how it goes.
Don't hate me.
How could I hate my work-wife? Are you really disappointed? Oh, a little.
But I'm really happy for you and Doug.
You're so sweet.
Aww.
And Fran, thank you.
If you hadn't talked to me about how much work It was gonna be to raise a baby by myself Um, you know what, I'll walk you downstairs And then I'll just keep going.
Fran.
Yeah, what's up? Are you mad at me? I really meant well.
I mean, maybe not at first, But then in the end.
No, I'm not mad.
I really want you to be happy.
I want you to be happy.
But I can't be happy if you're not happy.
Believe me.
No, I just thought it would be nice To hear the pitter-pat of little feet around the house.
I know, I know, sweetie.
But maybe we could still make that happen.
What are you saying? We're three blocks from the Sherman oaks galleria.
Let's go get a labradoodle.
No.
Peter, I'm not getting any younger.
No.
I want to have a puppy.
Hi, sweetie.
Hey, Fran.
Where's the dog? Oh, look how excited you are.
See, I knew I was right.
You were right, you were right.
Now I can finally go to the dog park, Cruise guys, and actually have a dog.
Yay! - So where's my big fella? - Right here.
- Where? - There.
- Where? - In the chair.
I'm sorry, sweetie, I know she's not exactly What you were expecting.
I don't want that.
What am I gonna do with that? What am I gonna do with this? Hold her.
You'll bond with her.
Here, go to daddy.
Exactly how gay do you want me to look? Smell her paws.
They smell like Doritos.
Oh, come on, Fran, I wanted a big, butchy dog.
Oh, sweetie, we're doing the right thing.
Nobody wants the older dogs.
They just sit in the cages, day after day, Getting older and older with their best friend judi.
All right, all right.
I just don't think the collar I got Is gonna fit this dog.
Well, that's okay, Because she's not much of a Walker.
She has an arthritic hip.
Well, how does she even get around? Oh, you are kidding me.
Come to mama.
Who loves her daughter? Who loves her daughter? Okay, so we are now the proud owners Of an arthritic, geriatric rat.
Shh.
She still has one good ear.