Happy! (2017) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Previously on "Happy!" I would love to know what you and Sonny had to talk about.
He's got blackmail on everyone.
It's on videotape.
The people on these tapes protect him.
Kap, what do you think? - [HOLLERING.]
- Go, Kap, go! I think it's fuckin' brilliant.
Holy guacamole, it's Dayglo Doug! Dayglo Doug was there when Sonny started.
Now you'll have plenty of time to devote to your passions.
Sounds like a slam dunk witness to build the foundation of your case on.
You were big, Doug.
Sonny just took whatever he wanted to, starting with my show.
Hailey, I am so, so sorry.
Get away from me.
Listen, I've been protecting you, haven't I? [YELPS.]
You almost got hurt back there.
It's like you're two different people.
I'm Blue Scaramucci.
I am trapped in you.
My name is Orcus.
The Wishees.
- [GUNSHOTS.]
- I killed it.
Whatever it was that came out of that thing, I put it in a jelly jar.
For now, I'm gonna get this jelly open.
[GROANS.]
[FARTING, LIQUID GURGLING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Sax! [GROANING WEAKLY.]
[SOBBING.]
No! No! Oh, oh.
[WATER RUNNING.]
Holy [BELL DINGS.]
[BELL DINGS.]
[CHEERFUL MUSIC.]
Closest thing I have to hard evidence literally down the shitter.
God damn it, Sax.
Yeah, it's probably just as well.
That palooka was a few bananas short of a split.
He was right about one thing: those were the wrong tapes at Sonny's place.
The real stuff's gotta be at Shine Tower, so that is where we're gonna go.
Uh, hey, wait, hold on.
Hold on.
I I know I offered to help, Policewoman, but go to Shine Tower? I might as well pop a cyanide capsule and chase it with a Luger.
Oh, I could take you back to Alpine Memories, if you prefer.
[LAUGHS.]
You're not joking.
Oh.
Okay, uh, listen, sweet cheeks, I've come up with a better solution, one that I think would work well for both of us: Brazil! You can relax on the beach, work on your tan.
I will whip up a fresh new act.
You keep doing that, I'm gonna shoot you in your face.
- Yep.
- Look.
This was taken at a public appearance nine days ago.
I count four of these furry fucks.
If I emptied a gun into one of them, who the hell is in that suit? I'll get out of your hair.
Just lend me a few bucks for bus fare.
I've always wanted to see Schenectady.
You'll never have to worry about old Doug again.
This is your tape, Doug - W - The one Sonny made.
You don't have to be afraid of him.
He doesn't have anything on you anymore.
I'm going to Shine Tower.
I could really use your help.
[SNIFFING.]
Nick! Nick! [SNIFFING.]
Oh, come on, Nick, where are you? Ooh! Oh, you cakes, you yummy cakes! That reminds me of when Amanda brought home that awful gluten-free cake with the edible candles.
And that reminds me of when Hailey burned a hole in her Daisybots bedsheets.
And that reminds me of when Sax tied sheets around his neck and told me to get into my safe space because he wanted quiet time.
And that reminds me of when Hailey got that pink singing alarm clock for her [GASPS.]
It's Hailey's birthday! [RAGGA JUNGLE MUSIC.]
[SPIRITED ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.]
[SPEED METAL MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT DISCO MUSIC.]
[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS.]
[ELEPHANT TRUMPETING CONTINUES.]
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
- Get in.
- Sorry, fellas, Janet warned me about getting into cars with strangers without a bag of chaw and a fresh pair of pantyhose.
Now, bitch.
Clock's ticking.
[SINISTER MUSIC.]
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
All right, Sax, get your shit together.
You got a job to finish.
You know, if we're already gonna be doing the last name thing, I just think introductions would be proper.
[EERIE MUSIC.]
[LAUGHS.]
Well, well, if it ain't Humpty, Dumpty, and what's your name again? I ain't no Easter egg, Sax.
Well, you are dyed.
[LAUGHS.]
Get it? Maybe you're feeling a tiny smidgen of guilt for what you did to us [GUNSHOTS.]
[SCREAMING.]
And you're lashing out.
The only thing I'm feeling is a burning sensation in my asshole, a gag reflex from the combined stench of the four of us in close quarters, the acute tedium of this conversation, and a burning sensation in my asshole.
- You said that twice.
- What I am not feeling is one shred of guilt for having ventilated you dotards.
In fact, if I had the chance to do it again wait, does that mean I get to do it again? [GUN HAMMERS CLICK.]
Come on, Sax.
Don't change the subject.
You know what you gotta do.
Spoiler: it involves bullets.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC.]
Sorry to disappoint you guys, but I'm indisposed.
I got this really important thing I gotta take care of, so if you would just let me out of this van.
Really? And what exactly is that? You can't remember, can you? Um Well, if I could, why would I tell you? Some dad.
He forgot his daughter's birthday.
Wait.
That today? I knew that.
And you need to get her a present.
You know how long it took me to find a Wishee? Driver, take me to the place that sells shit that kids like! You're a killer, Sax, a death dealer.
Ain't we the proof? That's what you do good.
You want to get your kid a present, huh? Why don't you bring her the head of you-know-who with a pretty bow on top? I'm done with that.
Listen, don't threaten me with a good time.
Besides, I'm retired from that game.
I got the watch to prove it and everything.
Looks like you got a retarded watch.
You can say you're retired all you want.
A tiger doesn't just wake up one day and decide it's a canary.
No, it does not.
We'll make this simple.
Either you're the one taking the envelope, or you might just find yourself inside of one.
I had you assholes all wrong.
I thought you was hard-boiled, but look at you extra runny.
[LAUGHS.]
Extra runny.
[SMACKING AND THUDDING.]
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
Get off the bus, you moron! - Oof.
- Get some pants on! [GROANS.]
Ah! What do you want? Is it cool if we sit with you? Shouldn't you be hanging out with your queen bee, Dagny? [SLURPING.]
That's not really a thing anymore.
So who was that old guy at the zoo? My boyfriend.
Cool.
I know you probably hate us, but We're sorry for being total dicks.
Tastes like cake batter.
Well, it is my birthday.
Oh, my God, it's your birthday? Happy birthday.
You're totes JUULing with us.
[DANCE MUSIC FADES IN.]
[CANISTER HISSING.]
[DANCE MUSIC.]
[PANTING.]
[DANCE MUSIC.]
[PANTING.]
[CANISTER HISSES.]
[CANISTER HISSES, SQUEAKS.]
[CANISTER RATTLES.]
[CANISTER HISSES FEEBLY.]
[PANTING.]
What do we have in common? Not race.
Not creed.
Not religion.
Certainly not sexual orientation, whatever that might mean around here.
Not even possession of two balls and two eyes.
Hello, Trotsky.
Looking good there.
No, there's only one thing that we have in common: death.
Death, the fear of it, yes, but also the lust for it! All of us here have taken lives.
We have conjured death, and now death waits upon us and death waits for us impatiently.
That is the thing we share.
Black, white, brown, it unites us into a perfect brotherhood.
Now, you take Odipo here.
Odipo dismembered his wife and his cousin when he found them making the beast with two backs.
His wife broke the vows of marriage.
His cousin broke the covenant of family, such a messy business, such Sturm und Drang! But what Odipo gave to them was simple, was pure, was perfection, and someday, maybe someday soon, Odipo will join them in [FARTS.]
Preach, brother.
Excuse me, please.
[BLUESY MUSIC.]
[DEVICE BEEPS MELODICALLY.]
[MUSICAL BEAT.]
[GUN HAMMER CLICKS.]
Take off your goddamn head.
- Please don't shoot me.
- Shut up.
It looks human.
[SCREAMS.]
Ow! - Name.
- J-Jessup, J-Jessup Miller.
Jesus Christ, it is, isn't it? How long have you worked for Sonny Shine? Since about six weeks back.
Right around when I killed it.
Times out.
Killed? What do you mean, killed? Tell me about the others.
You met them? I I I mean, I work with them every day, but I never properly met any of 'em.
High on their own farts, those ones.
I can't say I blame them.
I mean, they is superstars.
Still, I ain't ever even seen anyone with their heads off.
I'm just the new guy.
I tried to get in good.
I brought doughnuts, Frappuccinos, even offered Mr.
Shine a blowie.
That's how to move up in this business.
Stop.
You blew Sonny Shine? No, ma'am.
He turned me down.
But I think that rubbed some of the other Wishees the wrong way.
They're hella possessive of Sonny, follow him around 24/7 always in character.
They got dressing rooms like this one? Not that I ever saw.
They pretty much go wherever they want around here, got the run of the place.
Listen, old-timer, I'm a team player.
Maybe I give you a quick blowie, - y'all let me go.
- Shut up! You watch him.
I got an idea.
Pink.
At least we know who one of us is.
You're right.
That you're right.
This can't go on.
Really? Seems like things are going pretty good for you.
Nobody's trying to whack you anymore.
You got a bunch of new friends.
They all worship you like you're some kind of God, Blue, like some kind of David Koresh or Tony Robbins.
Screw those screw those idiots.
It's not me, Pink.
You know that.
It's someone else.
The thing is, there's less and less of me every day.
And I can't control that.
And that's why that's why I have to die.
Don't be so dramatic.
No, no, listen to me.
I'm never getting out of this thing alive.
You got to think of it like I'm already dead.
The moment that Mikey whispered in my ear, he gave me a death sentence.
But I can still fuck him.
Mikey? No, Orcus.
I don't understand.
If I die, he dies.
Either that or he's trapped forever in some kind of mindless flesh prison.
I don't know.
Either way, it is all the way up his ass.
So let me get this right: you want me to kill you, Blue.
Is that right? Yeah.
- I can't do that.
- Oh, Pink, come on.
You're the only one that can.
They all worship the motherfuck.
I can't do it myself.
He'll just stop me.
Please.
If you love me, and I think you do, just end this.
I'm begging you.
[CRYING.]
Jesus, Blue, now? No, no.
I don't want to see it coming.
You gotta get me when I least expect it.
I can't believe this is even real.
How the hell do you think I feel? Hailey! Hailey, I didn't forget! [SNIFFING.]
Oh, it's a cake.
Then He changed water into wine.
I have a birthday cake for a Hailey Hansen.
[BLOWS NOISEMAKER.]
Says, "Love from the Squad.
" [TOGETHER.]
Happy birthday, Hailey.
Really? Everyone deserves cake on their birthday.
Okay, kids, let's sing "Happy Birthday" to Hailey.
ALL: Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you - ALL: Happy birthday, dear Hailey - Happy birthday to you - Happy birthday, dear Hailey - ALL: Happy birthday to you [SINGING FADES.]
["HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING".]
[GIGGLES.]
You think this is funny? Hailey's got a doodie cake! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Girls! Girls, quiet down.
Stop laughing.
It's not funny! You're hurting her feelings.
It's - I thought we ordered a real cake.
- We did.
It's supposed to be her special day! Don't cry, Hailey.
I'm here.
Happy's here.
Don't listen to them.
- Happy birthday to you - Girls, stop laughing! - ALL: Jingle bells, jingle bells - Happy birth - Jingle all the way - Stop it! Stop it! - Girls! - [SHRIEKS.]
Hailey! All right, all right, I get what's going on here.
It's like one of them dreams where you've got a hard-on and no pants.
[SNORTS.]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Oh, my god.
Oh, work it, baby.
Work it! [ETHEREAL MUSIC.]
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
That's fantastic.
It's so beautiful.
[GASPS.]
Is this heaven? [ETHEREAL MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Holy shit.
Nick.
Wow.
I'm up here.
Amanda, are we dead? [BOTH LAUGH.]
No, dummy.
You're not getting off the hook that easy.
Neither of us is.
Then what? [BOTH GIGGLE.]
I don't know if you've noticed, but Mama's been a little off lately.
Hmm.
Yeah, I just thought it was stress.
No, you know better.
You've been an addict for ten years and a cop for ten before that.
You know withdrawal when you see it.
It's in the eyes That jonesing for something you can't have.
[WHISPERS.]
Something so bad.
But so good.
Oh.
Hmm.
Amanda, I can't.
I made a promise to you for Hailey.
No more drugs.
No more booze.
Doesn't seem fair, does it, that to be a dad, you have to be someone you're not? Is that what Hailey really needs, some kind of jive counterfeit construct of a man? I ain't trying to be jive.
I'm trying to be good.
Shh.
You can never be that.
Maybe you could fake it for a while and not very well, but what you can be is that ass-kicking pimp daddy of destruction you were born to be.
[GUNSHOTS.]
[MEN GRUNTING.]
[CHAINSAW WHIRRING.]
[SCREAMING.]
- Say "ah.
" - Argh.
There you go.
Give in, baby.
You know neither one of us can face what we're about to face straight.
[WATER SPLASHING, PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
Is that man okay? He's fine.
Just don't make eye contact.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Sockatoo? Five minutes! Uh, all right Ma'am.
[SIGHS.]
I miss it, backstage, the dressing rooms, the crudités, the bottles of water.
[SIGHS.]
Where can a guy pinch a loaf around here? Oh, thanks.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, Sonny Ooh-ooh, Sonny Shine Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, Sonny Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, Sonny Ooh-ooh [SCREAMS.]
Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, Sonny [OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[GASPS.]
[SNIFFING.]
Sockatoo, there you are.
They're calling for you back in rehearsal.
[SNIFFS.]
[GASPS.]
My therapist told me a great way to let go of some of my anger would be to write letters to people I hate and then burn them.
I tried it.
Felt a lot better.
Next time, maybe I'll burn the letters too.
[CLAPPING SLOWLY.]
That joke was old when you were young.
Also dinosaurs.
Well, well, well, if it isn't Sonny Snake.
Seeing you on that stage just reminds me how unsexy all of this was before I came along.
This is my stage, Sonny! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[SPIRITED MUSIC.]
[SINISTER MUSIC.]
Doug, what are you doing? You made a muy tragic mistake coming here, Doug.
You should have stayed where I put you, running shtick for schnitzel.
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Then you wouldn't have to look into the face of the man you betrayed.
Please, you were washed up.
Nobody was buying Dayglo Doug anymore.
They wanted something new and dangerous and hot.
I made you.
If you had invented Sonny Shine, you would have invented Sonny Shine.
I'll have to ruin what's left of you, you know.
I'll release your tape.
I mean, you're not too scrambled upstairs to remember our little video party, are you? I remember you set me up, got me all wizzle-wozzle on airplane glue and then Captured the all-too-human side of Dayglo Doug, up close and in the raw.
The six fans you have left will be heartbroken.
Well, that's going to be a little difficult, isn't it, without this? What's that, Doug? Just what you used to keep me down for 20 years.
I'm just curious.
Where'd you get that? [LAUGHS.]
Wouldn't you love to know? The important thing is, you've got nothing on me now, so I'll be taking back everything you stole from me: my routine, my show.
It's never too late for a third act, Sonny, and this is mine! [SIGHS.]
Well, Doug, you caught me on a really bad day.
Yeah, my act, my show is a multibillion dollar enterprise, and the little special I have coming up in less than 72 hours is set to turn that B into a T-R, so my patience is lambskin-thin.
I'm under cray stress.
I'll tell all, Sonny.
I will sing like the loudest canary you ever heard.
You smell old.
Doug, your act is shit.
It was always shit.
You can have it.
But there's one thing of yours, though, one thing I've always loved.
Is this thing on? [FEEDBACK SQUEALS.]
[INTENSE MUSIC.]
[FEEDBACK SQUEALS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
Happy? Do I look happy? All right, all right, hey, I got something that's gonna cheer you up.
Somebody remembered Hailey's birthday.
That's right: Me.
Yeah, and I'm going right up there, and I'm gonna get her a present.
What do you think about that? The question is, what do you think about it? I think it's pretty obvious I'm part of some lame attempt at working through your issues through a series of [GRUNTS.]
Metaphorical hallucinations.
Really? Yep, the real Happy is knocking one back at a bar somewhere, for all I know.
We're on our own, Nick.
TBH, I don't think this little trip down the rabbit hole is gonna end well for you.
Well, who asked you, anyway? You know, I'm done taking parenting pointers from a flying horse.
You ain't told me one thing about Hailey that's panned out.
It's true.
I guess I haven't given you the best advice, Nick.
Hailey's grown out of the things we used to like, and maybe I don't know her as well as I used to.
Maybe not, so if you'll excuse me.
But I do have one suggestion.
Yeah? You want to give Hailey the best gift any dad ever could? Of course I do.
I know exactly what it is: the, um, little fluffy the stuffed what do you call it? No, Nick, the best gift you can give her is to disappear.
What the hell did you just say to me? You bring pain and destruction to every life you touch, Nick.
I saved her life! You did.
Now save it again.
Leave town and never look back.
Ever westward, remember? Ever westward? I'll send you ever westward to the glue factory, you I can be different.
I can change.
The new you is imaginary, Nick, not real.
Trust me, I know a thing or two about that.
You're supposed to be my goddamn cheerleader! What the hell's gotten into you? Hailey's not the only one growing up, Nick.
Maybe I'm just seeing things the way they really are like you always wanted me to.
Christ in a shithouse, this day just keeps getting worse and worse.
Well great talk, Hap.
Thanks a million.
Pain and destruction, TBH.
Well, I know a thing or two.
I'll I'll I'll shove a thing or two right up your [MUTTERS.]
What are you lookin' at? What does it all mean? What's my purpose? Life was so much simpler when it was just me and Hailey.
I feel ya, buddy.
I wouldn't wish your current assignment on any IF.
It's not just that Nick is a grown-up.
It's not even that he's a batshit degenerate.
It's just, does he really need me? Does anyone? He does.
Come on, Twigs, I'm being super serious.
I feel like the whole world is changing, leaving me behind.
From the lady.
Dude, there's your purpose right there.
Go talk to her.
I'm not in the mood.
Bo Peep buys you a drink, you better get in the mood.
[SIGHS.]
[BAR SQUEAKS.]
Uh, hi, Peep.
Thanks for the drink.
[BURPS.]
Oh, maybe I've had too much.
Hey, hot stuff.
Uh, me? I ain't talkin' about him, unless someone's got a match.
You look really skinny.
Ha, yeah, well, bright side: now I can drink.
Cheers.
[HEAVY THUDDING.]
You're cheating on me with a heckin' horse? Hey, there's no call for that kind of You don't own me, you psycho.
We went on one date.
Biggest mistake of my life.
And I don't cheat.
Cheating's for cheaters.
No one's talkin' to you, pony boy, and that was no date, Peep.
What we had was sweet roly-poly baby fat magic.
Oh, well, then I'm just gonna leave before someone gives me cancer.
Oh, yeah? [EXHALES.]
[COUGHS.]
[HEAVY METAL.]
[SCREAMING.]
[GLASSES TINKLING AND BREAKING.]
Ooh! [RUBBER BANDS BOINGING.]
[MUFFLED SCREAM.]
Come on! [SCREAMING AND SQUEAKING.]
[RUBBER BANDS BOINGING.]
My hero.
[CANS RATTLING.]
[LAUGHS.]
[SPACEY MUSIC.]
[FRANTIC MUSIC.]
[DOOR SLAMS.]
Hailey.
Is there something you want to say to me? At least Dad has an excuse to forget.
[EXHALES.]
[GASPS.]
Hailey, oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
- Don't touch me! - I don't know what happened.
I lost track of the days.
You forgot my birthday, Mom.
How is that possible? How is that possible? I don't know.
There's something happening to me.
Ever since Something I can't remember.
Something I can't understand, an emptiness, a space that wants to be filled, that needs to be filled more than anything you've ever known.
I've tried filling it [MOANING.]
But there's nothing, nothing.
- Mom.
- It's like when you were a kid and you wanted to know who your dad was.
You never talked about it, but I know you thought about it all the time.
Maybe it's something like that.
Or maybe it's nothing like that.
You probably think I'm losing my mind.
It's all right.
I got a cake at school.
A cake, that's good.
That's good.
You deserve to have a nice birthday.
I got to go.
- Mom, no.
- I know what I have to do now.
Mom, don't go.
Please stay.
Happy birthday, baby.
Mom.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[KEYPAD BEEPS.]
[HUMMING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[HUMS.]
If you're here to audition for the Sonny Shine Easter special, make sure you fill out the sign-in sheet with your contact infor hey! [SIGHS.]
This show is just wow.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[KEYPAD BEEPING.]
What about the things a man shouldn't wish for? Even you must have one of those, Kap.
And now it's the moment you've all been waiting for.
Come on, Mom.
It's starting.
[SCARY MUSIC.]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
Sonny Shine! [OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[BIRD CALLS.]
[PIGEONS COOING.]
Happy birthday.
How did you know? That's what friends are for.
I thought we ordered a real cake.
We did.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
You're the best around Nothin's gonna ever keep you down You're the best around Nothin's gonna ever keep you down You're the best around Nothin's gonna ever keep you down Nothing You're the best around Nothin's gonna ever keep you down You're the best [LIGHT BUZZING.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Hailey.
Dad? Look what I got for you.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
It was here, I swear.
It's all right, Dad.
You already gave me my present.
No.
No.
Things are going to be like they used to be.
You mean before [GUNSHOT.]
I This is your gift to me, Dad.
It's okay.
[BREATHING SHALLOWLY.]
It's not your fault.
It's my fault.
[SOBBING.]
[WAILING.]
No! [SOBBING.]
[DISJOINTED MUSIC.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
I'm here to see Sonny Shine.