Happy Endings s02e05 Episode Script

Don't you think you should leave a little something in the tank for tomorrow, buddy? It is Halloween, after all.
(Bottle clatters) It's pre-gaming, bro.
Halloween is the super bowl of drinking.
Isn't the super bowl the super bowl of drinking? - Uh, no.
The super bowl is the Halloween of football.
- What? - What? - Anyway, I cannot wait for this year's monster mash pumpkin bash, guys.
I mean, the buffets, ohh! The drag queen contests (Effeminate voice) Okay? (Laughs) (Normal voice) The smoking hot gir Rilla costumes.
Yeah, I'm right next to you.
It's basically a gorilla costume that's slightly singed, like when you age a document.
Yeah, okay.
Well, we're not going to the party, honey.
- We discussed this.
Remember? - No, we didn't.
(Gunfire) Brad, I'm hereby informing you that we will not be going to the monster mash pumpkin bash.
We will be house-sitting for the Rubins.
Please confirm your listening by repeating what I just said.
We will not be going to the monster mash pumpkin bash.
We will be house-sitting for the Rubins.
That's the first I'm hearing of this.
- You guys, Adam ended it with me.
- Oh, no.
I'm so sorry.
- Who's Adam? - Hated that guy.
I mean, things were going so well, and then I suggested a couples costume, and he, like, freaked out.
(Chuckles) Yeah, Pen, you know that I am the biggest couples costume advocate in the world.
- I mean, you've read my blog.
(Penny) - Of course.
But you can't throw a couples costume at a guy after only three weeks.
Classic Penny overreach.
You might as well have just asked him to marry you, you stupid idiot.
(Laughs) - Oh, we're not piling on there? - No.
I mean, it wasn't, like, a romantic costume or anything.
It was just me as a new mom and him as an infant strapped to me in a babybjorn.
Oh, my God.
What was I thinking? (Mouths words) (Knocks on counter) Penny.
Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny.
What? I'll do it.
I'll be your baby.
- I wasn't asking you to.
- You don't have to.
I'm always there for you, plus you're going through a devastating breakup right now.
- I'm fine.
- Oh, denial.
The first step in not wanting to admit things.
His lady gaga meat suit went bad, so now he needs a costume to get into the party.
I want to be your wingbaby.
I'll wear a diaper all night.
- Not a selling point.
- For me it is.
Halloween is the arbor day of urinating.
Wait.
So that makes arbor day the wimbledon of having sex.
Yes! You get me, bro! Ah! Yes! Well, I finally get to wear my dream costume, because I don't have to wear a stupid couples costume this year.
(Alex coughing) - Oh, boy.
- Looking good.
For the record, you're the one that always made us wear couples costumes, okay? Oh, that is not true.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, so it was just my idea to go as "Carlito's Way" Sean Penn and "I am Sam" Sean Penn? (Sneezes) I thought you loved double Penn, no.
No, I don't.
Good luck, my friend, because tomorrow, I am gonna go in the costume that I've been dying to go in for, like, 200 years or so, and I am gonna be smokin' hot (Coughing) Okay, no.
No, Al, you are not going anywhere.
God, you look like a finger in a 10-hour bath.
You look like Brett Butler after a karate class.
You look like Regis after a motorcycle accident.
(Laughs) Right? We're not gonna pile on? - She obviously doesn't feel well.
- That is your sister.
- No one is close enough to high-five you.
- Who is Brett Butler? - "Grace under fire.
" (Dave and Penny)- Oh.
(Max) - Yep.
- Yeah, I can see that.
(Dance music playing) (Penny) Ow.
Okay, work with me here.
Don't, like, actively work against me.
Okay, right, left, right.
Just like we talked about, also exactly like normal walking.
Ugh.
You sound like my real mom.
"Wall this way.
" "Clean up your mess.
" "Stop referring to my figure as hilarious.
" (Laughs) Oh, Max, can you-- can we? Oh! Hi.
- Hey.
- Hello.
So you heading into the party? - Yeppers.
- You betcha.
I'm Rick.
- Max.
- Penny.
Just to clarify, which one of us are you flirting with mainly? The mom, exclusively.
Fair enough.
Maybe I'll see you inside the party, m'lady? Maybe you will, m'president.
Sire.
Ugh.
Ooh.
- Oh, my God.
Being straight sounds like so much work.
- I know.
It is.
(Imitating Mike Myers as Austin powers) Do I make you horny? (Hisses) (Penny) Oh, boy.
That is the costume you were dying to wear? Yeah, baby, yeah.
- Just talk normally.
- No, baby, no.
(Normal voice) Okay, fine.
Guys, Austin powers--isn't this sweet? I just wish Alex was here to see this costume kill.
Oh, she is so out of it.
When I put her to bed, she told me she couldn't marry me because her father owned the plantation.
So I don't think she'll be joining us tonight.
(Deep voice) - Well, guess again.
- What? Someone had a different idea.
- Who? - What was the initial idea? (Normal voice) Just look over there.
(Engine revs) (Sneezes) (Raspy voice) Hey, guys.
Good news.
Whatever I have is not from the bird I kissed.
Oh.
I can't believe you wouldn't wear your egg costume.
I mean, what's bacon without eggs? I'm not gonna waste my Denver omelet costume on a night in the suburbs.
(Sighs) I cannot believe you signed us up for house-sitting on Halloween.
Come on.
Don't you want to see al those cute little trick-or-treaters? If I want to watch kids, I'll open a playground.
What? Come on.
It'll be like test-driving our future.
We agreed we want to raise our kids in the suburbs.
I want to raise our kids in the city.
The suburbs are boring.
The city's awesome.
No.
City kids grow up way too fast.
They drink, they smoke, they get addicted to riverboat pai gow and eventually have to steal then sell their dad's carpet cleaning van and blame the whole thing on Alex.
Man, that pai gow's a tricky bitch.
- It'll rob you of everything.
- Yeah.
Well, Al, what do you think? Super topical.
Can't wait to see your Borat costume in nine years.
(Imitates Sacha Baron Cohen as Borat) Is not gonna be nice.
I won't like.
Wow.
Wee-wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Okay, never do that again.
This costume is amazing-- crushed velvet suit, period glasses, period teeth--teeth! Oh! I forgot my teeth in the cab.
Doesn't matter.
Still gonna kill it.
(As Austin powers) Hey, shall we shag now or shag later, baby? Yeah! Sweet Elton John costume.
(Normal voice) Elton John? You do look like Elton John.
Whatever.
You sound like Brett Butler.
Jane already used that.
- No, no.
She said you look like Brett Butler.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Excuse me.
I-I just had to tell you, you are the most amazing Marilyn I have ever seen.
Seriously.
Hi.
I'm--I'm Henry, by the way.
Thanks.
I'm Alex.
And a sexy voice to match.
- Can I buy you a drink? (As Austin powers) - Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you-- are you guys together? Yeah, baby! (Normal voice) No, actually, we're not together.
We're just friends.
Funny story.
There was this rollerblader-- I'd love to get a drink.
Uh, can I get a shot? Aw, look at how beautiful breezy acres is! They named their house? Who names their house? You named your favorite pair of sweatpants.
Hey, you leave Karen out of this.
Come on.
You're telling me that you wouldn't want to live in a place like this? I mean, square footage--check, sound of crickets in the yard--check, quiche stone in the kitchen-- check plus.
(Chuckles) - I do not want those things.
- Oh.
Well, except the quiche stone.
I mean, that thing'll pay for itself in, like, three quiches.
Mm, that's true.
Luckily, we can get one of those in the city.
You know what you can't get in the city? Oh, no you di'int! Breezy acres has a hot tub? Yes, it do! I can't wait to get in that thing with you.
Oh, we're gonna get so hot, we're gonna make our own bubbles.
(Chuckles) What? I get why that's not sexy.
I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
Oh, d-d-d-d-d-d-d.
First we have to hand out the candy.
(Laughs) Let's just make a sign and have the kids meet us back at the tub.
Oh, okay.
So your plan is to use the promise of candy to lure children to a grown man in a hot tub? Well, now that I heard the plan out loud, I like it even more.
Clean it up, polanski.
Hey, you wanna dance? - Yes.
- No.
(Lowered voice) Max, come on.
Okay, I really like him.
- He's funny.
Wingbaby! - Fine.
One dance.
(Normal voice) Dance accepted, señor el presidente.
Ah, mucho, mucho gusto.
(Laughs) (Man, amplified voice) All right, you cats and kittens, let's take it down for a slow dance.
Huh.
Whew! (Chuckles) I am beat.
What do you say we go get a drink, huh, Penny? Everybody could use a drink.
I know I could use a drink.
(Woman) take me in your arms that's all I want of you (Muttering) (Doorbell rings) (Children, singsongy) Trick-or-treat?! Look at you little munchkins! You're so cute! Okay, you know the drill.
Everyone take one.
Oh, hot tub, I want me inside you.
Help yourself.
Your choices are candy or candy.
Clock's tickin'.
All right, here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna put this right down here.
Honor system.
All right? - Come on.
- Okay.
See you later.
What are you doing? Us a favor.
Now let's tub.
No.
No.
I want to hand out the candy, okay? That's all part of the suburban experience.
(Doorbell rings) (Sighs) You're out.
Sorry, doc.
Guess you have to go St.
elsewhere.
(Bang, door creaks) (Sighs) (Dog barking in distance) You should get some more candy.
The big kids are coming.
What does that mean? You'll see.
Hey, so I really kinda dig your friend.
Yeah.
Alex is super cool.
We split up a while back.
Been doing my own thing lately.
Loving being back in the game.
Hate myself for calling it "the game," but what are you gonna do? It's the game.
Yeah, that's really amazing, man.
So Alex What's his story? I'm sorry.
What? Alex, your ex-boyfriend.
What's up with him? Uh Seriously, man.
What's his deal? (High-pitched voice) Uh I'm so glad I came out tonight.
You came out tonight? I wasn't gonna come out tonight, but when my friend was tucking me in before the party, I was like, this is ridiculous.
I have to come out.
Excuse me.
Hey, Al.
Can I talk to you for a sec? Listen, Al, you might want to take a beat on this Henry character.
There's-- just stop right there.
I know what's going on.
You do? Yes, your idiotic solo costume isn't working, and mine is killing so hard that I met someone, and who knows? We might have something.
Oh, he definitely thinks you have something.
(Slaps arm) Best wishes.
Thanks.
(Woman) shake my head and do it but you really put me through it (Doorbell rings) (Jane) Brad, what are we gonna do? We are out of candy.
(Brad) Don't worry.
I have a plan.
(Door creaks) Yogurt.
(Doorbell ringing) Wheat bread.
Lunch meat.
Heavy cream! Sandwich bag.
Box the sandwich bags came in.
For you guys An entire cake.
Here you go.
Have a nice night, fellas.
(Door closes) See, Jane? I told you we don't need any candy.
Everything is gonna be just f-- (gasps) (Boys laugh) Little ugh! Ha ha! Very funny, guys! Hilarious! God! What are we gonna do? Look, I have a plan.
What we're gonna do is we're gonna turn off all the lights, pretend like we're not home, and hide in the hot tub.
(Gasps) Oh! (Gasps) "We know you're home.
Get candy.
Over.
" Over? "No smarties.
" - Yeah.
Yeah, they're gross.
- Yeah.
Mm.
Okay, now that you got a good base, you're gonna want to use those taquitos as the bricks and the nacho cheese as the mortar.
Then I want you to take both hands.
Grab one handful of lettuce, one of monte cristo sandwich.
Throw the lettuce away and grab a second monte cristo sandwich.
- What? Okay, this just seems reckless.
- Hey, I have a system.
Now grab that last crunchy piece of Mac and cheese before someone else grabs it.
You better watch yourself, beardo.
No, you better watch it, baby.
Wait a minute.
Nice plate.
You are hitting this buffet so hard right now.
Thanks, bitch.
What's up? My name is Max.
A.
J.
I like the way you like food.
Thanks.
I like your costume.
Is that zz top gun? - Mm-hmm.
- That is the first thing I have genuinely liked since Barbara Walters exploded.
She's still alive, but that's incredibly kind of you to say.
Hey, where'd you get that delicious-looking turkey leg? - Back over yonder.
- Pen, could you head back over yonder and grab the boys a couple legs of turkey? No, I can't, 'cause we're connected.
How about I grab you one, then grab us a table? - Sounds good, bro.
- Turkey party.
- Boom.
- Boom.
Okay, your weird, gay turkey party is gonna have to wait because slutty Betsy Ross is moving in on my Lincoln! But, Penny, I want to go to my weird, gay turkey party.
Well, then you better get out of the costume.
I can't! I took my boxers off, like, an hour and a half ago.
It is getting hot up in hurr.
All I'm wearing is a one-piece bathing suit.
Fine.
We'll take turns.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Good.
- Good.
- No.
- No.
- No.
- Ow! Ow! Ow! (Grunts) Got it.
(Doorbell rings) I still can't believe you didn't wear your egg costume.
We look like idiots.
We look like idiots? Oh, officer.
Officer, we tried calling you, and then we got put on the hold.
There's big kids on the loose and they're throwing bricks - and whatnot.
- Actually, I'm not a cop.
This is just a costume.
Oh.
Sorry about that.
Great costume.
Okay, let's just get the candy and let's get out of here.
Right.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This can't be happening! Let's just go back to the city.
No.
We have an obligation to take care of breezy acres, and that is exactly what we're gonna do.
Excuse me.
Sir, is there any candy anywhere else in the store? Oh, sorry.
I don't actually work here.
- This is just a costume.
- For the love of God, does anybody actually work here?! (Man) I can take you on one.
Oh, baby took a big bite that time.
Mmm.
Now, Penny, you feed a.
J.
The turkey leg.
Yeah, yeah.
Penny, give me that big, dark, wet meat right there.
And that's your time, Max.
My turn.
Let's go talk to Rick.
(Singsongy) Bye, a.
J.
Penny, look, I have something to tell you.
Rick died.
(Scoffs) - Max, come on.
- No, I'm serious.
I just read that he was in a fire and he got shot to death.
- Max, he's right there.
- Penny, I wanna go back and hang out with a.
J.
Besides, you know whatever dumb relationship you get in with Rick is just gonna last three weeks, like all the other-- - Max, that's kinda harsh.
- Yeah, I felt it right away.
- Yeah, well, it wasn't great.
Didn't feel good.
- No, it wasn't, and I-- look, you deserve better than these guys.
You need, like, a king or something, not this guy Rick.
- P.
S.
, his jokes are terrible, and his belly button smells-- - ahem.
That hurt my feelings.
Good night to you both.
(Wimpy voice) - Bye.
- Thanks a lot, Max.
Oh! For the record, that was me storming off.
Yeah? Well, for the record, this is me storming off.
(Both grunt) Put me down! Can I be honest about something? What you've got going on right here is very impressive.
You've got some legit Hooters.
Thanks.
They look so real.
When'd you get 'em? Eighth grade.
Can I touch them? 'Cause those aren't your run-of-the-mill chicken cutlets.
You're entering the drag queen contest, right? You're gonna crush those bitches.
That would be kind of unfair.
Oh, yeah, big-time.
Could you give me a second? Yeah, sure.
Nice costume, piano man.
No.
No, no, no, no.
"Piano man" is Billy Joel, not Elton John, and I'm not Elton John.
I'm Austin powers, and I-- - Dave! Dave.
You're right.
There's something off about Henry.
I didn't think I'd be able to use this line in context, but (As Austin powers) He thinks you're a man, baby.
How could he think I'm a dude? There's no way he thinks I'm a dude.
You want to get out of here, dude? That doesn't prove anything.
I can't wait to see your penis.
(Scoffs) It was a little weird buying candy out of a grown man's trunk.
At least it was expensive.
Yeah, but we're fine now.
We've got candy.
All is good.
Didn't this house used to have a door? "We have your door.
Over.
This isn't over.
" Ugh! That's it! I'm getting the door back.
This ends now! "Over.
This isn't over.
" God, these kids are clever.
Good--good schools out here.
Hey, you seen my door? No, man.
Come on, dude! You all right, man? Hey, lady.
- Seen a door around here? - Do you know-- give me that! Damn candy.
(Gasps) (Candy clatters) Everybody was right.
Couples costumes suck on so many levels.
(Toilet flushes) Look, I said I was sorry, Pen.
Do you think now would be a bad time to ask you to shake - Yes, it would.
Jump up or down or shiver at the least? Not gonna do any of that.
(Sighs) Look, I don't know if Rick's a good guy, but I do know that you're the greatest girl in the world, and if you want to be with him, I will gallantly sacrifice my budding relationship with a.
J.
, who just might be the greatest guy I've ever met, - so that you can be with Rick.
- This a.
J.
? (Door creaks and bangs) (Smacking lips) (Door creaks) Gallantly sacrifice.
Thanks.
But how am I supposed to get Rick back? He hates you.
Hold up.
Are you still wearing that bathing suit? Yeah.
Yes! (Woman) get lost in the city, girl people of the night, it's another world Go.
Go get you some Rick.
You and me (Floorboards creaking) (Whispers) Brad? (Dog barking in distance) Ohh! (Vase clatters) Oh, no! (Loud whirring) Whoa! (Lamp clatters) Ugh! Hey.
Hey, fella.
I couldn't help but notice that, uh, you stole my door, you little Buster.
This is the property of breezy acres, and I'm taking back the night.
The door, too.
Dude, this is my costume.
I'm going to a Halloween party with some friends.
- Yeah? - We're The Doors.
The--the band.
(Chuckles) Really? - Yeah.
- Okay, then which one are you? - Ray Manzarek.
- Ha! That's not a real name! - Give me that damn door.
- No, that's-- - give me it.
Give me it! - Okay.
Take this back where it belongs.
Ah, this is heavy.
- A little bit, right? - Proud of you, man.
- Thanks.
- Psych! I think Ray Manzarek's a real guy.
Brad, you were right.
The suburbs are horrible.
You know what? I respectfully disagree.
I mean, the suburbs are way more exciting than I ever thought.
I've never felt this alive.
We will stay, and we'll fight, and we will win.
(Eggs plop) (Boy) Whoo-hoo-hoo! (Boy) Yes! Big sucker! (Laughs) Looks like bacon finally got its eggs, huh? (Boys laughing and yelling) (Tires peal, vehicle departs rapidly) (Boy) Nailed it! Oh, come on! Who bacons somebody?! (Indistinct conversations, laughter) You okay? This night sucked.
Ah, it's been a rough night for me, too.
This whole Elton john/austin powers thing has been a real disas-- - yours is worse.
Back to your thing.
- It's just that-- am I regretting paying for that rush shipping on this costume.
I'm sorry.
Back to you.
I can't believe I look like a man.
Al, you are beautiful.
You don't look like a man.
You sound like a man and you have a man's name, and you're wearing the most iconic drag costume of all time.
But on the bright side, the hottest guy here thinks you're the hottest guy here.
Not what I was going for.
Sometimes you just gotta roll with it.
God gave you melons.
Make melon-Ade.
(Cheering) Oh, it's so nice to be back in the city where everything's normal.
(Man, voice amplified) And our next contestant for the drag queen contest-- Alex Kerkovich! (EMF's "Unbelievable" playing) You burden me with your questions you'd have me tell no lies Hey, guys.
(Singsongy) So this is Rick.
Yep, totally normal.
These times I've spent, I've realized I'm gonna shoot through and leave you the things you say your purple prose just gives you away the things you say you're unbelievable I think that it's adorable - that you guys decided to go with a couples costume after all.
- What? Elton John and Marilyn Monroe.
"Candle in the wind"? Brilliant.
All right, all right.
We'll take it.
I can't believe I got runner-up.
I was totally robbed.
Yeah, well What does he have that don't have? A big, huge