Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s02e05 Episode Script
SPF
1 He's in my spot again.
See, that's passing.
He's in my spot again! Who, Harvey? Who is in your spot, pray? Potamus! Who else? Every morning, he parks that damn blimp-ark diagonally across two spots.
Hippo! ls that a mole? Avenger, get the mole.
Get the mole.
Yep, that's a mole.
Looks like Frida Kahlo.
Has a little mustache and everything.
-You really should have that looked at.
-Why? 'Cause she's winking at me.
So, would you say you spend a lot of time in the sun? Well.
The sun's energizing powers are replenishing my strength.
Closer, closer! Oh, God, yes! That's not good.
Sunblock? So, if l use this, l'll be all right? Oh, you're gonna die.
Maybe not now, or of that.
But, eventually, you'll die.
Probably painfully, too.
The sun can kill you! Suns don't kill people.
People with sons kill people.
Okay.
Rub this on my back? Cold.
Oh, yeah.
Doesn't he get his energy from the sun? l'm right here, you know.
lf you have a question, you can address it to.
Mr.
Ding-a-ling here to see you.
Mr.
Ding-a-ling.
Gee whizzes, Mr.
Birdman.
Something awful's happened.
l went to register my name because l wanna do a website for all my fans-- And this is what came up.
lt's pictures.
Dirty pictures.
You think you got it bad? You should see what tweetypie.
org looks like.
l thought l saw a pussycat.
Jefe, wake up.
l don't wanna go to school.
Nurse, get me that bag.
Not that bag.
That one.
That's right.
Dr.
Peanut's gonna make all the bad-bad go way-way.
-What's this? -Tanning cream.
Oh, l'm sorry.
Créme.
No, my friend.
First taste is always free with "P" to the "N-U-T.
" l'll take the case! And that one.
And that one.
Dingaling.
biz.
lt says l need a credit card number to get in.
Try this.
"01 1563.
"Standard Franklin Osmond.
" Expensive, and beautiful silk panty garments for everyone! -That worked! -How about that? l see.
Oh, my.
lnteresting.
Peanut, do you have any more of this tanning créme? Yeah.
l think l have some.
But it will cost you.
-How much? -Let's see.
Purple eagle, pleather chair.
l don't think so.
lndustrial lathe.
-The bird bookends.
-Those were a graduation present.
And you're.
The colors! The man's good name.
When all is said and done, isn't that all he has? My client, Ding-a-ling.
What? You were expecting a joke there.
Too easy.
No.
lf he'd been Peter Pecker-Pickle-Von-Pini nee Peter-Pini-Pecker-Pickle.
Waldo-Lang-Schnitzel-Dong, or Sarah plain and tall any of those, then we got something.
Weeny.
And now, this entertainment icon has his highly valued.
Pardon me.
His highly valued name stolen and used by this Mr.
Harry Twiddles, to lure unsuspecting people to a website featuring adult-oriented.
Excuse me.
-Candy man.
-l need more.
Why, l'd be so honored, Mr.
President.
Wait 10 minutes.
Then look under the third juror from the left.
Who can take some sunblock Look at me, everybody.
l can fly! Your name was hijacked by a website as well? Yes, it was.
Tell us the name of that site.
Hi Riser.
com.
And, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there are more.
Many more.
l give you Big Duke, Bigger Duke.
Quickie, Schnooker, The Magic Rabbit, Fluid Man.
That would be eww.
Dirty Dog, Mother Load and Galtar.
And his Golden Lance.
l would like to call Mr.
Harry Twiddles to the stand.
Deal with it, America.
Deal with it.
Yeah! State your name for the record.
Harry-- Excuse me.
Bling bling.
Who's there? lt's Peanut's money.
lt didn't last as long this time.
We're gonna have to step you up to the good stuff.
The French stuff.
Give me the French stuff.
You gotta pay more for the stuff en français, player.
non-streaky.
Okay, okay.
How much? Funny thing, Harv.
l've always admired the view from your apartment.
-Enjoy.
-And lunch money.
But l'm out of money.
Avenger wanted a cheeseburger.
Yeah, l know this 39-year-old bodybuilder.
Still amateur.
He's got a powerful taste for the French stuff.
l could give him a ring.
Money.
l'll get the money.
Keep driving, slick.
Keep driving.
And your name? Harry Twiddles, a proud citizen soldier for the United States of lndecency.
Tell us what we're looking at.
That's my store.
Looks innocent from the outside, but inside, smut.
-And this? -That's our headquarters.
Black and gold.
Just like Trump.
-This? -Our magazine! -This? -Our video series.
This? l'm not really sure what that is.
lt's a lawn aerator.
No, it's not a lawn.
Yeah! With a giant rotating.
l need more.
Man, you've got such neat parents.
-You're a lucky, lucky-- -Here! No soap.
Just sold the last batch to him.
George Hamilton.
Listen, Harvey, maybe you ought to slow down a little.
God's sake.
My mother's maiden name? This is an outrage! Tanning créme.
Hurry! You forgot your gift with purchase! And this? That's our website.
What's this? Surprise! lt's your intervention.
Harvey, we think you have a problem.
Actually, we know you have a problem.
Because l'm Mentok the Mind Taker.
Who's stronger, Birdman? The addiction or you? Did that one on the edge go out? You're hurting yourself, Harvey.
That's really something l'm supposed to do.
Give me a low! We have written a letter to you, my friend.
l know l have a problem.
l'll just go get my things.
Don't worry.
l have us covered.
One for the road.
This is good crap.
Well, everyone.
Everybody, thanks to a very strong but nurturing counselor my sun patch that little minor surgery old Harv might just be back in the saddle.
Wait a minute.
That's not a mole.
lt's gravy.
No, it's chocolate.
No, it's gravy.
We touched on a lot of issues in tonight's episode.
And even though this is a comedy show.
We want you to know we'd never make light of these things.
So we'd like to take a moment to discuss them with you.
First, and most important, there's-- Unfortunately, too late for sunblock.
Serious issue, and most definitely not funny.
Serious.
Next, of course, there's-- Not funny.
So, remember, even though we're stars-- Doesn't mean we care.
Don't.
And there isn't a problem around that won't get better when you talk more about it.
To one another.
English
See, that's passing.
He's in my spot again! Who, Harvey? Who is in your spot, pray? Potamus! Who else? Every morning, he parks that damn blimp-ark diagonally across two spots.
Hippo! ls that a mole? Avenger, get the mole.
Get the mole.
Yep, that's a mole.
Looks like Frida Kahlo.
Has a little mustache and everything.
-You really should have that looked at.
-Why? 'Cause she's winking at me.
So, would you say you spend a lot of time in the sun? Well.
The sun's energizing powers are replenishing my strength.
Closer, closer! Oh, God, yes! That's not good.
Sunblock? So, if l use this, l'll be all right? Oh, you're gonna die.
Maybe not now, or of that.
But, eventually, you'll die.
Probably painfully, too.
The sun can kill you! Suns don't kill people.
People with sons kill people.
Okay.
Rub this on my back? Cold.
Oh, yeah.
Doesn't he get his energy from the sun? l'm right here, you know.
lf you have a question, you can address it to.
Mr.
Ding-a-ling here to see you.
Mr.
Ding-a-ling.
Gee whizzes, Mr.
Birdman.
Something awful's happened.
l went to register my name because l wanna do a website for all my fans-- And this is what came up.
lt's pictures.
Dirty pictures.
You think you got it bad? You should see what tweetypie.
org looks like.
l thought l saw a pussycat.
Jefe, wake up.
l don't wanna go to school.
Nurse, get me that bag.
Not that bag.
That one.
That's right.
Dr.
Peanut's gonna make all the bad-bad go way-way.
-What's this? -Tanning cream.
Oh, l'm sorry.
Créme.
No, my friend.
First taste is always free with "P" to the "N-U-T.
" l'll take the case! And that one.
And that one.
Dingaling.
biz.
lt says l need a credit card number to get in.
Try this.
"01 1563.
"Standard Franklin Osmond.
" Expensive, and beautiful silk panty garments for everyone! -That worked! -How about that? l see.
Oh, my.
lnteresting.
Peanut, do you have any more of this tanning créme? Yeah.
l think l have some.
But it will cost you.
-How much? -Let's see.
Purple eagle, pleather chair.
l don't think so.
lndustrial lathe.
-The bird bookends.
-Those were a graduation present.
And you're.
The colors! The man's good name.
When all is said and done, isn't that all he has? My client, Ding-a-ling.
What? You were expecting a joke there.
Too easy.
No.
lf he'd been Peter Pecker-Pickle-Von-Pini nee Peter-Pini-Pecker-Pickle.
Waldo-Lang-Schnitzel-Dong, or Sarah plain and tall any of those, then we got something.
Weeny.
And now, this entertainment icon has his highly valued.
Pardon me.
His highly valued name stolen and used by this Mr.
Harry Twiddles, to lure unsuspecting people to a website featuring adult-oriented.
Excuse me.
-Candy man.
-l need more.
Why, l'd be so honored, Mr.
President.
Wait 10 minutes.
Then look under the third juror from the left.
Who can take some sunblock Look at me, everybody.
l can fly! Your name was hijacked by a website as well? Yes, it was.
Tell us the name of that site.
Hi Riser.
com.
And, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there are more.
Many more.
l give you Big Duke, Bigger Duke.
Quickie, Schnooker, The Magic Rabbit, Fluid Man.
That would be eww.
Dirty Dog, Mother Load and Galtar.
And his Golden Lance.
l would like to call Mr.
Harry Twiddles to the stand.
Deal with it, America.
Deal with it.
Yeah! State your name for the record.
Harry-- Excuse me.
Bling bling.
Who's there? lt's Peanut's money.
lt didn't last as long this time.
We're gonna have to step you up to the good stuff.
The French stuff.
Give me the French stuff.
You gotta pay more for the stuff en français, player.
non-streaky.
Okay, okay.
How much? Funny thing, Harv.
l've always admired the view from your apartment.
-Enjoy.
-And lunch money.
But l'm out of money.
Avenger wanted a cheeseburger.
Yeah, l know this 39-year-old bodybuilder.
Still amateur.
He's got a powerful taste for the French stuff.
l could give him a ring.
Money.
l'll get the money.
Keep driving, slick.
Keep driving.
And your name? Harry Twiddles, a proud citizen soldier for the United States of lndecency.
Tell us what we're looking at.
That's my store.
Looks innocent from the outside, but inside, smut.
-And this? -That's our headquarters.
Black and gold.
Just like Trump.
-This? -Our magazine! -This? -Our video series.
This? l'm not really sure what that is.
lt's a lawn aerator.
No, it's not a lawn.
Yeah! With a giant rotating.
l need more.
Man, you've got such neat parents.
-You're a lucky, lucky-- -Here! No soap.
Just sold the last batch to him.
George Hamilton.
Listen, Harvey, maybe you ought to slow down a little.
God's sake.
My mother's maiden name? This is an outrage! Tanning créme.
Hurry! You forgot your gift with purchase! And this? That's our website.
What's this? Surprise! lt's your intervention.
Harvey, we think you have a problem.
Actually, we know you have a problem.
Because l'm Mentok the Mind Taker.
Who's stronger, Birdman? The addiction or you? Did that one on the edge go out? You're hurting yourself, Harvey.
That's really something l'm supposed to do.
Give me a low! We have written a letter to you, my friend.
l know l have a problem.
l'll just go get my things.
Don't worry.
l have us covered.
One for the road.
This is good crap.
Well, everyone.
Everybody, thanks to a very strong but nurturing counselor my sun patch that little minor surgery old Harv might just be back in the saddle.
Wait a minute.
That's not a mole.
lt's gravy.
No, it's chocolate.
No, it's gravy.
We touched on a lot of issues in tonight's episode.
And even though this is a comedy show.
We want you to know we'd never make light of these things.
So we'd like to take a moment to discuss them with you.
First, and most important, there's-- Unfortunately, too late for sunblock.
Serious issue, and most definitely not funny.
Serious.
Next, of course, there's-- Not funny.
So, remember, even though we're stars-- Doesn't mean we care.
Don't.
And there isn't a problem around that won't get better when you talk more about it.
To one another.
English