Hitmen (2020) s02e05 Episode Script

1 My break's only five minutes, so let's make this quick, yeah? You're Pauline, right? You want someone investigated.
Sorry, you're Jay? What, are you 16? What, you expecting an old guy with a raincoat? No, this shit's just here so my mum doesn't wonder how I'm affording my Yeezys.
Right, sorry, I thought I was hiring a professional private investigator.
- I'm out.
- Your name's Fran, you're 50, but you tell people you're 49.
You have the same password for everything.
Bonzo22, first pet, I'm assuming, and you have 14,338 points on your Sparks card.
Bonzo was my first girlfriend, actually.
You had a girlfriend called Bonzo? It was the '90s! Different times.
This is the mark, Kat Gaitskill.
Fancies herself as some kind of self-help guru.
This is all I need.
I need a thorough job, bruv.
I'm telling you, I need some serious dirt on this woman.
Listen, fam, first thing you learn in this game is everyone's got nasty shit in their closet.
No exceptions.
Whatever it is Kat lady's hiding, I'll find it.
That's why I'm the best in the biz.
I believe you, bro.
Hey, Jay! One Mungo Mischief, two Smarty Pants, one Nutcase, Pronto! - Laters.
- Cheers, my mandem.
I'm so glad we went with a polyfiber shovel.
I mean, yes, stainless steel is a little bit sexier, but you know, this one really, really helps the old back out.
Fran, are you all right? Well, of course I am.
Why wouldn't I be? This is our last job, end of an era.
I thought you might be, I don't know, upset? Not that I want that, obviously.
Oh, mate, of course I'm upset.
Of course I'm upset.
You know, devastated, but you know, at the same time, I've been thinking, and maybe you're right.
Maybe it's time for us to do our own thing for awhile.
You know? We're off on new adventures.
I'm gonna go to Japan, you're gonna work with Kat and to be honest, I'm really excited for us.
That is good, because I'm really excited for us, too.
Well, then, I'm excited that both of us are excited.
- Definitely.
- Yeah! And all that stuff you were saying about Kat's evil plan to steal me away.
Come on, you know, we were trapped in a coffin.
I didn't know what I was saying.
Kat is great and obviously, there were difficulties at the beginning, I'm not gonna lie, but you don't get to be best friends immediately.
You like her, and I'm sure I'm gonna like her too.
Yeah.
I think you need to get to know Kat a little bit better.
You know, you're right.
I can't wait to get to know everything about her.
So let me get this straight.
You want a refund, 'cause you don't think she cares enough about your feelings? I sold you a Thai bride, mate, not a therapist.
Dickhead.
Oy! The fuck's going on up there? I'm the fucking buzz of this shithole.
Now get stuck into my deep tissue or I'll have you shipped back to Laos before you can say namaste.
What the ? Oh, fuck! Seas - Everybody - Well, that was one of our slicker extractions.
Definitely.
Oh, by the way, great chat on the footwear, chum.
I mean, the grip of those things.
Insane, right? I know it's taken us awhile, but I really think we've got this whole hitman thing down.
It's so nice to go out on a high.
Yeah, definitely.
Some of them want to be abused Ooh, Fran, almost forgot.
I got you a little something.
What? That is so cute! A little gun earring.
Ah, that's gonna go with absolutely everything.
It's just to say good luck in Japan, and thanks for the last 20 years.
And I've got you something.
Fran, I really hope you haven't gone all out, because honestly, I'll be happy with a voucher for Next, or a nice bottle of fizz, or a packet of heavy duty rubber gloves.
Yes, because our friendship is durable, and also, water resistant.
Didn't we buy these in the shop this morning? Yes, we did.
Full disclosure, didn't know we were doing presents.
I will buy you a drink at Kat's do.
It's a free bar, but thanks.
I'm so chuffed you're coming to the soft launch.
Kat made me promise to bring you.
Can we please stop referring to it as a soft launch? That's what it's called when you throw a party for a new book.
I'm gonna have to get used to all this new lingo.
Yeah, well, it just makes me think of a guy in Timberlands firing a party balloon off his cock.
It's all right, I got it.
There we go.
It's from Jay.
Got important info for you.
Will call you ASAP.
- What's that all about? - Oh, just some Japan admin.
Jay is Mr.
V's assistant.
I'm flying really early in the morning.
So he's helping me out.
So where are we gonna do this? The canal, the old favourite? Canal? Mate, this is our last hit.
Don't we wanna go out with a bit more pizazz? - All right, go on, then.
- Ooh, how 'bout the hospital? No, I don't like the new incinerator.
There's something about that crank shaft that's a little bit stiff.
Ooh, a little bit stiff? - A little bit stiff? - Yes, I did, I got that.
Oh, hang on, Fran.
I've got the perfect place.
Ah, ha, ha Sweet dreams are made of these Who am I to disagree I traveled the world And the seven seas Everybody's looking for something Sweet dreams - Still not ringing any bells? - Mm.
- You'll kick yourself.
- God this is - Where we did our first hit.
- The guy with the glasses.
- Yes.
- Nice lad.
Such a sweetie.
God, do you remember the nerves, Fran? God, we were so scared.
We couldn't even hold our guns straight.
I mean, no wonder he got away.
If only those two plonkers could see us now.
Nothing's changed.
Is there anything in that bag she can use? I don't think so.
Yes! So what did we do when the guy with glasses got away? Hmm.
Didn't we find him with his legs stuck in a drain? Oh, yeah.
Ooh, I've broken my ankle.
I think you've got bigger problems than that, mate.
Fuck! Okay, there might've been a spare gun in that bag.
Oh, you think? Get in here! God, that was close.
Weirdly, I am gonna miss this.
Oy! How 'bout you let me go? Uh, well, this is our final job together, so it's sort of sentimental value, and can't put a price on that.
- 100 grand? - 100 grand? No! Plus, I'll throw in two lifetime spa passes.
Complimentary skin care products.
I ain't made of money.
We're prepared to compromise.
No, it's a hard no.
You can run, but you can't hide.
- Well, she can hide.
- Yeah, thank you.
Flank her.
Why are you doing a wanking sign? Ooh, Jay.
Give it to me, fam.
What's Kat into? Is it weird sex stuff? - Money laundering or - Listen.
I've never had this before.
You're ruining our last job.
- What was that? - It's nothing.
It's weird sex stuff, isn't it? Please tell me it's weird sex stuff.
There's nothing.
What do you mean, nothing? I mean, she's literally got nothing on her.
She's whiter than mountain biking, bruv.
This Kat lady doesn't have a parking ticket to her name.
Yeah, you need to keep digging, okay? I've looked at everything, trust me.
There's a handful of not so very profitable companies alongside the self-help business, but nothing that's even close to dirt.
I'll send you through my file in a bit, but I doubt there's anything you can use.
I'm sorry, yeah? Oi! Do not make me bar you, bro.
Where's the other Muppet? Hello, Siobhan.
This is it? I can't believe it.
It's our final hit.
Guess so.
This isn't right, Jamie, I'm sorry.
I've not been honest with you.
I feel shit about all this, I do.
I feel angry and I feel jealous.
I have these crazy thoughts in my head about Kat, and I think it's just been easier for me to blame somebody else than accept the fact that you and I doing everything together all the time just had to come to an end.
I'm so glad you said something, mate.
To be honest, I've been kind of bummed out you seemed so fine with it.
I've been putting on a bit of a show today, too.
I'm gagging it.
What am I gonna do without you to fall back on? What if I'm really, really bad at the new job? Maybe I should just come to Japan.
No, because you're gonna smash it.
I know you are, I know it.
Kat is so lucky to have you.
Plus you need a break from boring old Professor Snape here.
Hang on.
Was he the beardy guy that kept inviting kids back to his cottage? No, mate, that's Hagrid, and he's more of a handyman than a professor, but it doesn't matter.
Let it go.
It really says a lot that after all this time, we can still be so honest with each other.
Come on, you.
Let's go to Kat's party.
- Soft launch.
- Don't say soft launch.
God, I completely forgot.
Well remembered.
Ooh, now, what are you gonna wear to Kat's do? I keep forgetting how ridiculously big Kat's place is.
I know, right? There are rooms in here even I haven't been in.
I haven't even given hedge maze a try yet.
Hedge maze? Who does she think she is, Anne Boleyn? Who'd have thought my flat being demolished would turn out to be kinda great? Must be all the positive karma I'm putting out in the world.
Hi, guys.
Hello.
Thank you for coming.
Aw.
Jamie, you look amazing.
Yay! Sorry we're late.
The job took a bit longer than expected.
Yeah, well, last day you're working together, lots of emotions, I imagine.
Fran, Japan? I think they'll really get you over there.
Jamie, there's some people I'd like you to meet.
Fran, there's a free bar.
So feel free to get stuck in.
No spirits, I'm afraid, but I'm sure they could dig something out if you're really desperate.
There's no seafood in this, is there? No.
Hmm.
So how do you know Kat? You work in publishing or? Oh, no.
But it's an interesting story.
- We were at school together - Sorry, I've seen someone I know.
The waitress said there wasn't any seafood in it.
Oh, please.
What you doing hiding in here? Bloody hell, Jamie, you scared me.
Come on, I'll introduce you to Kat's friends.
Oh, no, I'm fine, honestly.
I'm old enough to have met everybody I need to in my life.
You'll love them, I promise you.
Ah, that's what you said about Magic Mike Live, and then I ended up with some guy's balls on my shoulder for an hour and a half.
Ah, Jamie, there you are.
Hi.
Sorry, everyone, this is Fran, Jamie's colleague, former colleague.
I'm wanted.
Jamie, come with me.
Whoo, gosh, it is so hot.
Ladies and gents, two words.
Kat Gaitskill.
Come inside, everybody.
Yeah, yeah, bye.
I've got two words.
Wow.
Wow.
Thank you, thank you so much for coming to the soft launch of my new book, "I Am in Control.
" Thank you, thank you.
I don't suppose the turnout has anything whatsoever to do with the free food.
No, but seriously, my success means nothing without the people I love.
Aww.
And I feel so lucky for my success and for my talent, for my lovely home, sure, but most of all, I feel lucky because the universe has finally blessed me with the only thing that really matters, a friendship that I know will last forever.
My roomie, my confidant, my new colleague, Jamie.
Come on, come up here, Jamie.
Come up here, come on, Jamie.
Come on.
Don't be shy.
Jamie, everyone.
Okay.
So, no, not up, just there.
No fucking way.
So I would like to propose a toast.
Ooh, um, sorry, excuse me.
Oop, sorry.
I'd like to propose a little toast myself, if that's okay, Kat.
Hmm? Yeah, sure.
I think we all know that Kat is being rather modest.
Luck has absolutely nothing to do with her success.
No, everything she's achieved she's done through a mixture of hard work and dedication, and careful planning.
- Here, here.
- Thank you, you're very kind.
The same, of course, true for Kat's friendship with Jamie, right? Was it luck, for example, that brought Jamie back into Kat's life? Or was it the fact that Kat owns the company that bulldozed Jamie's flat? I was expecting a bit of a gasp or something there, guys, if I'm honest.
Fran, what are you talking about? It's true.
Kat own the company that made you homeless, Jamie.
Bit of a coincidence, yeah? It all adds up.
Just think about it.
You know, she gets you out of your gaffe, she invites you into her swanky new mansion so you can buddy up to you, and hey, oh, I'm out in the cold like a hooling great bellend.
How do you know all this? Because I hired a private investigator.
What? That gets a gasp? Really? You did what? I was worried about you, Jamie.
Who knows what Kat's really up to.
You know, it's like that German bloke who befriended that other bloke and then invited him round and paid him to eat his own dick.
That actually happened, by the way.
You can look that up.
That's not the same as this, obviously.
That, it's different, but you get my point, which is she's been lying this whole time.
Jamie, it's true.
A company I own did acquire your building and demolish it, but I had no idea you lived there.
And as soon as I found out at the reunion, I did everything I could to try and make it better.
But I should've been totally honest with you, and the fact that I wasn't, I will regret until the day I die.
I'm so sorry.
Can you forgive me? Come on.
What? Aw.
Wow.
You think you know everything about emotional growth, and then, hmm.
She admitted it.
Did you hear that? She admitted everything.
She admitted she lied.
I know she did some lovely things to cover it all up and blah, blah, blah, but a lie is a lie forever, ladies and gentlemen.
I think you should go, Fran.
Jamie.
You okay? Ooh, I think someone hit the free bar too hard.
Oh, God, I'm going, I'm promise, I'm going.
Fran, I've come out here to ask you to stay.
This is all just a silly misunderstanding.
I accused you of cannibalism.
Yeah, okay, that was kinda crazy, but I totally get it.
You're worried about Jamie, but honestly, you've done me a huge favour.
I've been feeling so guilty about Jamie's flat, and now I feel like a huge weight's been lifted.
Come on, Fran, you're going away tomorrow.
Do you really want to leave things like this? I thought the party was out here.
Poor thing wanted to be on her own.
She's downstairs in my meditation studio.
Nearly there.
Ah, bloody thing's on the blink again.
Jamie, I've got someone here to see you.
Jamie? Jamie, I just came to say sorry, mate.
Jamie?