Hogan's Heroes (1965) s02e05 Episode Script

ANNOUNCER: CBS presents this program in color.
( theme song playing ) ( clearing throat ) Schultz, out for a little stroll? Lovely evening for it, isn't it? I am on guard duty.
What a shame.
( smug chuckle ): I'm on guard duty, and I saw you get out of the truck.
No, no, I just popped me head in to see where the driver was.
I wonder where he got off to? Oh, something very suspicious going on.
I shall investigate.
Why did you do that? Good luck.
You'll need it.
What are you saying? ( chuckling ): A-ha.
You are trying to stop me from opening the truck.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
Go on.
I'm far too clever.
What will he do-- the guard? Think it over.
That will take some time.
By then, Colonel Hogan will take over.
If I have to Please.
We are fighting a nonviolent war.
NEWKIRK: Schultz, if you want to look inside the truck, you have my personal permission.
Ha-ha.
You can't fool me, Newkirk.
This is working all the time.
Hi, Schultz, what's up? Colonel Hogan, I saw Newkirk get out of the truck.
I think.
Now, when I threaten him to look inside, he threatens to let me go ahead.
Very suspicious, Schultz.
Mmm, exactly.
Newkirk, back to the barracks.
Right, sir.
( chuckles ) Should I not hold him? It's a prison camp.
Where's he going to go? It's the truck we have to worry about.
Uh-huh! SCHULTZ: The truck-- what should we do? Call out the guard.
Call out the Why? Why not? SCHULTZ: I don't know.
If I call out the guard, what will I tell them? HOGAN: You'll think of something, Schultz.
( dogs barking ) Halt! Halt! Colonel Hogan! Colonel Hogan, I saw LeBeau go into the doghouse! I think.
We can rule out the brain.
W-w-w-w-what-what-what?! You know, they're doing marvelous things with glasses now.
You'll be able to see like a hawk.
I have perfect sight.
Oh, good, good, good.
They need sharpshooters at the Russian front, Schultz.
I could have been in doubt.
( dogs barking ) Halt! Halt! Halt! Colonel Hogan! I saw a woman go in there! I'm not mistaken! ( dogs growling ) It's all right.
He's with me.
She's right in there.
I saw her.
I'm going in and ( growling ) ( barking ) ( barking continues ) What should I do? You sure you saw her go in, Schultz? I saw nothing.
I saw n-nothing! Ah.
Your entrance had everything but a brass band.
And that was my fault? I didn't say it was.
I just hope this trip is necessary, that's all.
Oh, definitely, mon colonel.
In my opinion, of course, sir.
Get up and look out, will you, LeBeau? Why? Because he agrees with me? Oh, I don't mind going at all.
No! Stay here.
This is wonderful.
Hammelburg is crawling with hundreds of Gestapo.
Our whole underground is threatened, and you are angry.
And who's responsible for the Gestapo? Colonel Hogan, you are.
Oh, boy! She's right, Colonel.
LeBeau I'm going.
Stay.
All right, how did I do it? By your sabotage activities.
There have been more acts of sabotage around Hammelburg committed by you and your men than in any other place in Germany.
The Gestapo are here to interrogate every person in the town.
What can they find out? The people of Hammelburg weren't involved in any sabotage.
No, but some of us are very much in on the authorized part of the operation, which is the processing of escaped prisoners out of Germany.
And this is what you have jeopardized by playing Boy Scout and blowing up bridges.
( sighs softly ) You could be right.
Well, of course I'm right.
Ask him.
I don't want to ask him.
I respect your decision.
I'll go.
Forget it.
Would you mind telling me what you intend to do besides becoming angry? Eh, look, lady, you caught me on a bad day.
I just found out an hour ago the Wehrmacht's planning to use this as a rest home for officers.
So, we've all got problems.
Well, how would they do that? Easy.
Keep a few prisoners here so they don't get bombed.
The rest of us go to other camps.
What will you do? The colonel will think of something.
He's most resourceful.
Sure.
What am I taking on? Just the Gestapo and the Wehrmacht.
Then I will go back and tell my people we are on our own.
You'll stay here.
I don't want you back there till the Gestapo gets through.
I did not come here as a refugee.
I shall go tonight.
Greta You do not have enough problems? Don't worry.
I'll think of something.
You need any help? No.
Just asking.
( door opening ) Somebody from the Wehrmacht in there? Ja, General von Kattenhorn.
Yeah, saw his car outside.
Anybody coming from the Gestapo? Colonel Feldkamp is due any moment.
All right, good.
When he comes, show him in and go over to this window.
Cross your fingers like this.
Like this? Like that.
That's Plan "X.
" Part of which includes a free autographed photo of Turhan Bey.
You are a love.
I'll see you.
The decision is made.
Naturally, General von Kattenhorn.
A very wise decision.
But if Berlin would only consider my record for never having had an escape from this camp Hogan, what are you doing here? Get out.
Oh, certainly, sir.
Excuse me, but could this be General von Kattenhorn, sir? Oh, I've studied your battles for years, sir.
Real textbook stuff.
Who is this, Klink? Colonel Hogan, senior POW officer.
Later, Hogan.
Just want to make a protest for the record, sir.
Your idea of establishing a Wehrmacht rest camp here for officers is strictly against the Geneva Convention.
But clever, sir, clever.
Where did this man hear about my plans, Klink?! ( nervous chuckle ) Certainly not from me, Herr General.
How can they afford to keep you on staff work, sir? I'm sure you do a brilliant job, but at the front Hogan This'll give you a chance in the field, sir.
Great chance for promotion.
( chuckling ): Say what you will about those Russians, they sure create the vacancies.
Colonel Hogan, will you get out of here, or shall I have you thrown out? Oh, I'm sorry.
Was I intruding? I've said what I came to say, Klink.
You have your orders.
But-but-but-but-but-but Yes, Herr General.
Colonel Feldkamp.
Heil Hitler.
Your meeting is finished, General? Good.
I have need of your facilities, Klink, now.
You, too? There is a wave of sabotage in this area, Klink-- your area.
Certainly, sir, you don't suspect me? I I do not suspect, Klink-- I know.
It is the loyal German citizens of Hammelburg.
( chuckling ): Really? Our own people? I shall interrogate them one by one Why are you smiling, Klink? until I get confessions.
I shall have need of this stalag for my headquarters.
Oh, what a shame.
General von Kattenhorn got here before you.
Who is this man? VON KATTENHORN: He is correct.
I am taking over Stalag 13 as a rest camp for Wehrmacht officers.
After I am through.
The Gestapo has priority from the Fuhrer in everything.
HOGAN: Excuse me, Colonel.
I don't know whether you're aware you're talking to a general that's a legend in his own time.
Who is this man?! Gentlemen, gentlemen, since there is a dispute, perhaps the best way to settle this would be just to leave Stalag 13 as it is, huh? Nonsense! Ridiculous! Ridiculous.
I'm sure that the basic affection and trust that exists between the Wehrmacht and the Gestapo FELDKAMP: What trust? Half our time is spent ferreting out generals who are plotting against the Fuhrer.
"Ferreting" is a very good word for you, Feldkamp.
We are watching you, General.
Your dossier is already bulging.
Gentlemen, gentlemen Your kind exists only through sufferance.
The real power of Germany is the Wehrmacht.
Treason! The power of Germany is in the Fuhrer backed by a loyal Gestapo! You're sure you don't need me? Gestapo chicken farmers! Without my armies, you would still be in the beer halls! ( harsh laugh ) The Wehrmacht thinks of nothing but rest camps and plotting against the Fuhrer! KLINK: Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen! Heil Hitler! Heil Hitler! Bite your tongues.
Come on.
Achtung! General von Kattenhorn is having a malaria attack! Inside! Malaria? Colonel Feldkamp gave it to him.
Raus! Show me these men! "Malaria!" They were doctors?! No, Herr General, they were Gestapo.
Ah, so.
Where?! They seem to be gone, Herr General.
Of course they are gone.
They were never here! Again with the schnapps, you two, ja? Bring me my car.
Yes, Herr General.
Right away, Herr General.
So? So, it-it seems to be gone, Herr General.
What are you saying?! I believe they drove off with it, sir.
Who?! The men from the Gestapo.
But I'm sure Colonel Feldkamp had a reason.
Reason for what? For stealing my car, Feldkamp! Now you have gone too far! I have gone too far?! You have gone too far in accusing me! In all fairness, sir, his men did use the term "commandeer.
" If it is not returned to me at once, Feldkamp, I will attack at the head of troops and take it! ( harsh laugh ) Your first attack of the war! Ha! Gentlemen, gentlemen! Why not take my car, Herr General? I am taking your whole camp, Klink, now! After I am through with it! ( engine starting ) ( car door shuts ) How did this terrible situation come about, Colonel Hogan? I haven't the foggiest, sir.
Mm-mm-mm-mmm! Colonel Hogan, you must tell me what is going to happen.
Sorry, Schultz, can't help you.
I don't believe you.
Somehow or other-- I don't know how-- this is a matter I do not want to inquire into.
But, somehow, you always know.
What's it to you, Schultz? You're a soldier.
If they close down Stalag 13, you sling your pack over your shoulder and go fight Russians.
Colonel Hogan, I'm a married man with five children.
I cannot afford to fight anybody! What's your guess on what's going to happen, Schultzy? Well, there is on one hand General von Kattenhorn.
He's a general.
Therefore his opinions have a lot to be said for them.
On the other hand Uh, there's Feldkamp, and he's Gestapo.
Mm-hmm.
There is Feldkamp, and he is against closing any prison camp for any reason.
He says it is contrary to the German way of life, therefore Schultz.
What's going on right now? Well, General von Kattenhorn is in Commandant Klink's office going ahead with his plans.
Colonel Feldkamp, he is in Hammelburg, rounding up all these loyal citizens.
And just to be thorough, he's rounding up the whole town.
He started his raids already? Yes, of course.
All right, we make our move now.
Let's try radio contact.
Right.
Go! Colonel Hogan! But you still haven't told me what's going to happen.
HOGAN: Quiet, Schultz! I see nothing! Nothing! ( grunts ) ( radio beeping ) It's no use, Colonel.
She's not answering.
Means Feldkamp and his boys have her.
She will not talk, Colonel, not Greta.
You think we're gonna sit around here while they work on her? Newkirk? Yes, sir.
Need Wehrmacht uniforms for everybody.
How much time do I have, sir? Three minutes.
I think I can just make it.
You are all most fortunate.
In the entire town of Hammelburg, we have selected you six for a course in loyalty to the Third Reich.
For our first lesson, since you are so lovely, my dear, why do we not commence with you, huh? Tell me about the destruction of the Hammelburg Bridge.
MAN: Herr Colonel! We found this in the attic.
A-ha.
A shortwave radio, huh? Perhaps this was up there to amuse the pigeons, huh? I know nothing about it.
Oh, I am sure.
But we have ways of increasing your knowledge.
You have no idea what you can learn in one of our intensive courses.
Now ( men yelling ) HOGAN: Everybody, against the wall.
CARTER: And fast! What is the meaning of this?! I'm sorry, you, too, Colonel.
General von Kattenhorn's orders.
His orders?! I should give orders to have you all shot.
You see how great minds work alike.
Those were the general's orders.
You would not dare! You would.
Move! Against the wall, fast! You shall not get out of this town.
My men are everywhere! Very good security.
That's why we're taking your car.
But this is all a mistake.
I did not take the general's car.
I had nothing to do with it.
I believe you.
You do? If you can't trust a Gestapo officer, who could you trust? Exactly.
Yes! It's a shame I have to shoot you.
Turn around! Now! Look, we are all soldiers of the Third Reich, working together for a glorious victory.
Why should we go around shooting one another, huh? You wouldn't want me to disobey my orders, would you? Certainly not! An order is an order.
But, on the other hand, uh capable men like yourselves are deserving of much higher rank, which I would be happy to recommend, along with your transfer to the Gestapo, where advancement is most regular, along with certain other opportunities, which come our way from time to time in the course of loyal service to the Fuhrer, which, naturally, is of paramount-- I beg your pardon-- importance.
And so it is natural Enough talk! After them, Colonel? After them! As soon as I'm sure it's not a trap.
Hey, LeBeau, I'll have a cup of that.
Yeah, later on.
All right, now, this is your route.
Follow this oh.
Big doings upstairs, Colonel.
Feldkamp has surrounded the camp with an SS battalion to get his car back.
Von Kattenhorn just finished calling for an infantry regiment to fight the SS.
That's beautiful.
Beautiful! You mean they are going to fight a battle among themselves? I'd love it.
Unfortunately, some of us might get shot.
Carter? Yeah, the car's all set, Colonel.
I really think it's one of my best efforts.
You're an artist, an artist.
I'd better get upstairs.
I'm sorry you're gonna miss the fireworks.
Be careful.
Don't worry.
It's one of our more conservative efforts.
The rest of you take care of the processing, huh? Okay.
Right.
How about that coffee, LeBeau? Yeah, yeah, bring your cup.
What do I care where you have to get the troops? Pull them off the Russian front if you have to! First things come first.
Klink! You will put all your guards under my command.
We will bide time with lives.
Uh, General von Kattenhorn, I rather thought that I could be most useful in this little argument as a neutral.
Forget it.
You.
Ja-Ja-Jawohl, Herr General.
Are you typical of all the guards around here? Herr General, I would say a little bit, uh, above average.
Oh, no, I cannot surrender.
Colonel Hogan here, Commandant.
Not now.
Commandant, I've just made the most surprising I'm sorry.
Something going on? Hogan.
What about arming the prisoners, Klink? ( laughing ): Sir, they have no more fighting spirit.
I have cowed them.
Yes, yes, he's cowed us.
We have no more guns.
They can, perhaps, have mine? Call Berlin again! Jawohl, Herr General.
Well, nobody wants to hear about my surprising discovery? No! No! General, Colonel Feldkamp under a flag of truce.
I would sacrifice the lives of every man rather than to talk to him.
Sir, I agree with you completely, but, uh, couldn't you just listen a little bit? Colonel Feldkamp, General von Kattenhorn assures me that he does not have your car.
Then he has exactly five minutes to find it, or I shall level this camp! Ask him about my car, Klink.
Oh, yes.
The general seems to have some question about a supposed car.
"Supposed car"?! Gentlemen, could you be talking about two staff cars? 'Cause I think I know where they are.
Where?! Where?! Colonel Hogan, couldn't you have said something about that before? You said you didn't want to hear.
Where?! Where?! Where?! Where?! Over there in the prisoner's recreation hall.
Commandant Klink doesn't let us use it very often.
We discovered them by accident.
Carter, show them where they are, huh? Oh, sure.
Schmidt! Daimler! Do you have some explanation Have we met before? Ever been in Milwaukee? Some explanation for how these cars got into the prisoners' recreation hall? No, but I'm sure Commandant Klink does.
He knows everything that goes on around here.
Encyclopedic knowledge.
Well, Klink? Gentlemen, I-I Sir, you don't think that Colonel, I assure you that And I assure you, Klink, that my investigation of this matter shall be complete and most rigorous.
Of course, of course.
I am looking forward to it.
This includes the kidnapping of my prisoners.
General, if I find that you are plotting with Klink in this I believe that you have been plotting with Klink.
And the Wehrmacht will crush the both of you like bugs.
Gentlemen, your cars are here.
Your cars are here, gentlemen.
Your cars are here.
I shall be back, Klink.
But you will save yourself pain by having a confession ready.
He does not deceive me, Klink.
He is in league with you.
I shall return.
Schultz.
Yesterday, I was only worried about the Russian Front.
Today, it looks like paradise.
Herr Kommandant, it is not my place to say anything, but Then don't.
It was not a very good place to hide the cars.
I have to agree with Schultz.
Hogan.
Ah, forget I said it.
What am I going to do? Put your fingers in your ears.
What? ( explosion ) What was that? Sounded like a staff car blow up.
A staff car? ( explosion ) Coincidence.
Another staff car.
Hogan, you knew they were going to blow up.
Of course.
Von Kattenhorn and Feldkamp double-crossed each other.
Did you expect me to believe that? No, sir.
But it's gonna look a lot neater on your report to Berlin.
Hmm.
Schultz.
Schultz! I believe it, Herr Kommandant.
I believe it.
If Berlin knew one tenth of what I had to put up with, just one tenth.
Yep, rough war, sir.
Rough war.
( whistling ) Money.
All right, check.
Identity papers.
Check.
Informant papers.
Check.
He's ready.
Good.
Large gophers.
Good luck, sir.
Have a safe journey now.
Where's Greta? Oh, she's still being processed.
And Colonel Hogan? Oh, he's in the office.
I'll get him.
LeBEAU: Money.
KINCH: All right, check.
LeBEAU: Identity papers.
Colonel, I Terribly sorry.
He's, uh ( clears throat ) processing.
Very thorough man, the colonel.
Secret of his success.
Without a doubt.