Hot In Cleveland s02e05 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
- Hey, nobody touches the reservation list but the maitre d'.
- But this is my first trip to L.
A.
, and this is Robert Redford's favorite restaurant.
- And you want him to sign your autograph book? - That would be my second choice.
- Sorry, I could lose my job.
- Just a quick peek.
Please? - Aw - The best way to get over a divorce is to move to Cleveland.
- So all your tweets are true? - Yes! Men whistle, they hold your door open for you, they buy you drinks, and not just after last call.
- Sometimes during the day, in natural light.
- No, it's true.
Living in Iowa - Ohio.
- Whatever.
It's completely freeing.
I mean, you don't have to obsess about your looks or how famous you are, or starve yourself into a size zero.
- You still do all those things.
- Well, yes, but I don't have to.
Except for this week.
- She hasn't had food for five days, just for one scene in all my children.
- It's not just a scene.
It's a death scene.
A.
K.
A.
, Emmy magnet.
I'm gonna be seductively splayed at the bottom of a staircase, wearing none but a tiny bra and panties, making a moving, heartfelt speech about the futility of female rivalry.
- Oh, no.
Is Susan Lucci in the scene with you? - Yes.
But that second-rate little sock puppet barely gets a word in edgewise.
- Well, you've gotta eat something.
At least try these fetal carrots in fennel.
- Mm.
Mm - Just chew them up and spit them out again.
- That's disgusting.
- Why would you do that? - Don't tell me people are still swallowing in Cleveland.
- So what else is everyone doing here? - Stem cell face lifts.
But the wait list is brutal.
I'll be 60 by the time I look 30.
And tomorrow, I'm seeing an iridologist.
He looks in your eyes and tells you what's wrong with you.
- My husband used to do that for free.
- Can I come with you? - Joy, you have to be on set to do my hair and makeup.
- Are you going to the set too? - No, no.
I'm meeting the couple that are buying my house tomorrow.
Cha-ching! - Well, if it isn't our own little stalker.
Has Redford filed a restraining order against you yet? - No, but he's having lunch here tomorrow.
And we are too! - Elka, it takes weeks to get a reservation here.
- Well, maybe for L.
A.
grannies who nip-tuck to make dimples.
Check this out.
- Oh I've never seen natural aging fore.
- Watch me get that old fart with Ally Mcbeal to give me his dessert.
- I love how you always see movie stars in L.
A.
- I love how that handsome guy is checking us out.
- Oh Yeah, you know what, maybe we romanticize Cleveland a little bit too much.
- Or no.
On the other hand - Quit huffing my strawberries.
There's a whole bowl right there.
- No, not a morsel for me.
Not until after my big scene.
- Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
- I don't believe it.
That's la perla guy! - La perla guy? You mean the guy who humped and dumped you before we moved to Cleveland? - Yes.
I bought $600 worth of lingerie for that one-night wonder, and he doesn't even remember me.
- Joy, that is Michael Knight.
He's one of the stars of this show.
How could you not know that? - Well, he said he was on some soap opera, and I just pretended I'd seen it, like I always do with you.
We were supposed to go to Santa Barbara for my birthday, and he stood me up.
He never came, never called.
I am so gonna rip him a new one.
- Don't you dare make a scene until after my scene! - Oh, excuse me, sir.
Victoria I thought you were a man! - Ah, Susan, I barely noticed you down there.
Mwah.
Mwah.
- Susan, this is Joy, my personal stylist.
Joy, this is Susan Lucci.
Susan's an actress too.
- My God, you're gorgeous.
- Oh, thank you.
You're so sweet.
Were you eating the strawberries with your fingers? - I'm sorry.
Was I sticky? - Wet wipe! I am very allergic.
I swell up out of all proportion.
Speaking of which, you should probably avoid the bagels.
- Actually, I'm doing a cleansing fast.
Wardrobe has me in the tiniest silk panties.
- Oh, don't worry, I've been speaking to the producers, and they've changed your wardrobe.
- What? What what do you mean? - Well, as they explained it to me, for such a distinguished Emmy winner, such as yourself, to join us for a one-time-only guest shot, it's probably humiliating enough.
And it's such a touching scene.
Exposing all that aging flesh would just cheapen it.
Or cause an unintentional laugh.
- I see.
How very considerate of them.
- Well, I'm sure you want to run down to hair and makeup before the camera rehearsal.
- I've already done her hair and makeup.
Full-body makeup.
- Well, as I've said, they've changed your scene, just a skosh.
If she were any more of a bitch, she'd have puppies.
- Didn't you hear me out in the car honking? We're doing lunch with Robert Redford.
- No, not yet.
The couple buying the house also want to buy my furniture.
I'm having a hard time deciding what to sell.
- Fine, I'll drive myself.
- No.
You lost your L.
A.
driving privileges when you flipped off Tom Hanks.
- Forrest Gump drives like a soccer mom.
- I used to be a soccer mom.
And a brownie leader.
In fact Jenna's troop used to meet right around this table.
Jenna sat here.
Ashley over there.
Britney B.
, Britney L.
, Britney R.
Oh, Britney L.
, she moved away to Reseda.
We promised we'd keep in touch, but, well, you know Reseda.
I mean, I know that I don't need anything in this house anymore, but just everything has a memory to it.
- Oh, sweetheart I have memories of this place too.
This spot right here This is where I was when I got bored with your story.
- How can I possibly deliver a dying speech from a hospital bed? Those words were written for a bra and panties.
- It's still a great speech.
You rehearsed it at home fully dressed, and that last line made me cry every time.
- You mean the one where I dramatically toss my hair? - Maybe this could work to your advantage.
Award voters love it when actresses are brave enough to look hideous.
- I'm hideous? - Yes.
Good hideous.
You know, like Charlize Theron in monster.
- Oh, you're right.
The judges love it when beautiful people suffer.
But I didn't starve myself for nothing.
Help me loosen these blankets.
At least I can show a little leg where they attached the catheter.
- Victoria, I thought we should go over the new pages before we shoot.
- New pages? You didn't change my speech? - Just a pinch.
Oh, and the writers just felt it made more sense coming from me.
- You conniving little tea cup poodle! You planned this all along.
- Oh, come on, Victoria.
Just pretend it's a special episode of "the bald and the beautiful.
" - Laugh! I know you can't speak, but I I pray that you can hear me.
- Mmmm - Seeing you in this miserable state, I can't help but feel partly responsible.
- Mm-Hmm.
- If only I'd been there to warn you that Liza has sabotaged the stairway.
- I forgive you.
- Cut! She's talking again.
- You know, I was just thinking how much the viewers would love it if I suddenly woke up right in the middle of Susan's speech.
- You know, if Victoria's not happy with her part, we could just send her home and slap some lipstick on a coconut.
No one would know the difference.
- I think people would know the difference between me and a coconut.
- Oh.
We could age the coconut.
I know youCan't speak But I but I pray that you can hear me.
- Mmmm - Rest, dear friend.
If only I had been there to warn you that Liza had sabotaged the stairway.
- Why did we always let petty jealousy blind us to what's really important? Love Compassion - Friendship.
Ow! She bit me! - The maitre d' said his assistant just called and canceled.
We do not know where Mr.
Redford is eating now.
- Well, you better find out.
Unless you want me to go all Charlie Sheen on this dump.
- All right, all right, I may have heard something about him being on Jimmy Kimmel tonight.
- Let's roll.
- Elka, Elka I can't drive you to Kimmel.
I'm meeting the couple that are buying my house.
- Fine! I'll get Die Hard over there to take me.
Hey, baldy, wait up.
-It wasn't me you pulled from the wreckage.
It was my twin brother Alex.
He we impersonating me to get control of Chandler enterprises.
-Then it was Alex's ashes I scattered at sea.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, crap! - What? - It's a blast from my past.
- Excuse me.
You obviously don't remember me, so let me reintroduce myself.
I'm the woman who's about to rip the blue right out of your eyes.
- Slow down.
You're right, I don't remember you.
Which is odd because gorgeous, crazy women are usually so hard to forget.
- Crazy was falling for your line at sky bar instead of tasering you in your Jackson pollocks! Bollocks! It's rhyming slang.
I'm English.
We talked about this! - Did you say sky bar? - Uh-huh.
- God, I can't believe he's doing it again.
Look, miss, this is gonna sound a little nutsy, but it wasn't me you met.
It was my brother.
- Brother? - My twin brother Alex.
- Oh, please.
You seriously expect me to believe you have an evil twin? - It's true.
Sometimes I can't even tell 'em apart.
- You see, Alex is jealous of my fame, so he uses my name toPick up models.
- Oh, come on! I meanI hardly look like a model.
- Well, I just assumed.
And you know what the worst part is? Alex is obviously out there somewhere picking up women I'd be too intimidated to even talk to.
- Well, I think you're being a little hard on yourself.
- Joy.
Joy, code blue.
I need you.
- Oh, I have to go.
But maybe we can talk some more later? - You can count on it.
- You really should teach.
- Why are you still dressed like that? - Oh, Lucci keeps ruining our scene, so we're re-shooting after lunch.
Which means that we only have an hour to create a devious retaliation plan, so brilliantly convoluted they can never trace it back to me.
- Or me.
- That's gonna rule out a lot of plans.
Come on.
- Uh, excuse me, where does Mr.
Kimmel keep his guest stars? - Oh, I'm sorry, you're not allowed to be back here.
- Pretty please? - Aw The green room is right around the corner.
- Thank you.
Bring me a diet coke.
No ice.
And if some rum found its way in there, that'd be okay.
- And here we are, back in the kitchen again.
- Oh, we love it! - We cannot wait to move in.
- I just love all these little details.
- But like I said earlier, I can't really part with any of this stuff either.
- Oh, the real estate Agent said you wanted to sell the contents of the house.
- Well, sure, when you say "contents," I want to sell 'em.
But when it comes down to the actual things Like the drapes that my son will always hid behind whenever we played hide and seek, and I used to have to pretend that I didn't see his little toes peeking out from under not for sale.
- Wow, it's nice you have so many happy memories here.
- We thought you were selling the house because you got a divorce.
- Steve! - No, no.
It's okay, it's okay.
Most of my happy memories are between me and my kids.
My husband was rarely home.
- Yeah, I know what that's like.
- Honey, I have to work.
- I work too.
- Well, you know, we had other problems.
But actually, I used to love my alone time.
I could read a book, relax, have a glass of wine.
This little baby chills 20 bottles at once! - Well, good, 'cause this little baby can really knock 'em back.
- Well, it does help kill the time when I'm home alone with nothing to do.
- Well, you know what, you'll have plenty to do when you have kids.
This house was made for kids.
- Oh, we're not having children.
- Well, never say never.
- I thought we agreed.
- No, no, no.
You and your therapist agreed.
I just stopped arguing.
- Hey, you know what everyone can agree on? Trash compactors.
Who doesn't want smaller trash? - I can't believe you're still thinking about kids.
- Why do you think I wanted a house with so many rooms? - So we wouldn't be on top of each other.
- I didn't realize that me being on top of you was such a drag.
- It is if you're only there to make babies.
- You know what's really fun to make? Microwave popcorn.
Especially for family movie night.
Or not family.
It could be couple movie night.
You know, even better.
Well, you know, when you're home.
Although movies are also a lot of fun alone.
Especially 'cause you like to drink.
- Thanks.
But you know, you have really opened my eyes.
Turns out we won't be needing the house after all.
- There you go again, speaking for the both of us.
Yeah, she's probably right.
We're not gonna need the house.
- I really think this is a bad idea.
- Yeah, well, you're not here to think.
You're here to be my lookout.
Strawberry.
- You don't know how allergic she is.
What if this kills her? - Stop saying things I want to hear.
Once she dabs her eyes with this, she'll really have something to cry about.
- Someone's coming.
Hide! I don't hear anything.
- Maybe they went the other way.
You take a pee what's wrong? - We're locked in.
- Well, we've got a great show for you tonight.
George Clooney will be here tonight.
He, um He had nowhere else to go, so he decided to come here.
And I didn't think it was that funny, but, um We also, tonight, will have a performance Hello.
- Where's Robert Redford? - I don't know where Robert Redford is.
Who are you? - Elka Ostrovsky.
I was told Robert Redford was a guest tonight.
- I should probably point out that this is not a bit.
This is a strange woman that has wandered up onto the stage.
Thank you for providing security, guillermo.
Where are you from, he says, hoping you're not armed.
- I'm from Cleveland, Ohio, the greatest city in the world.
- Oh.
All right.
- I said the greatest city in the world! - That's, um Well, you know, I'd love to chat more, Elka, but - Well, then, I gotta sit down.
- Uh, yeah, that seat is actually reserved for George Clooney.
- Oh, there's room for two.
- All right, that's fine, then.
I guess there is room for two.
Seriously, though, I mean You know George Clooney's in the green room, right? You're okay with Cleveland granny being here? All right.
- So did Robert Redford ever sit in this chair? - As a matter of fact, yes, he did.
- Give me a minute.
How was it? It was fine for me.
- Pretty good for the chair too, I think.
- Young man.
Could you get a close-up of this? Aww If anyone out there knows where Robert Redford is, my cell phone number is 216 - Hey, we're gonna be right back! - This is a nightmare.
- Let's just bang on the door.
Someone will hear us and let us out.
- Are you crazy? If they find us in here, they'll know you were the one who poisoned Susan's kleenex.
- It was you! - Now isn't the time for finger pointing.
I know, I'll boost you over the top of that wall.
Oh, fine, you can give me a boost.
- Okay, Susan, I just need some reaction shots to intercut with the dream sequence.
- Right.
- You're remembering the plane crash.
You're lying in the wreckage.
A dim figure hovers above you.
You wake up horrified.
- Aah! - Oh, Elka, I think I blew the sale! - Who cares! I found out where Robert Redford is.
- Hide me.
I think I killed Susan Lucci.
- Oh, my God! Where's Joy? - Would somebody please let me out! Oh, it's you.
And there's music.
- Yeah, they're rehearsing music cues next door.
You know, it kind of makes me want to sweep you off your feet and carry you up to my dressing room.
- WellIf that's what the scene calls for.
That didn't sound right.