Housebroken (2021) s02e05 Episode Script

1
[upbeat rock music]
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff,
ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff,
ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
[music crescendos]
♪
- Yah! Yah!
- Why is Jill destroying our doghouse
with the sledgehammer that came
with her Gallagher costume?
[gasps]
They canceled "Outlander."
- We have to do something.
- Let's find a new Jill. This one's broken.
No, I'll just go out there,
tilt my head, show her my belly.
But if that doesn't
calm her down
- I'll kill her.
- [grunts]
Oh, Jill.
[whimpering]
Oh, there you are.
I have a surprise for you!
[scary music]
- Chief, you're up.
- Nice knowing you, lady.
[growling]
- Ta-dog!
- Oh, my God, it's the house
that every little puppy dreams of.
I had a big breakthrough
in therapy
and accepted the fact that
I'm never going to have kids!
So enjoy your new house.
I'm totally fine. [laughs]
[sobbing]
- Chief, this place is ours.
- Ohh, yeah.
I can't wait to pee inside you.
Double-height ceilings,
separate rooms,
and the commute to work
it took me 30 seconds
to get here.
Well, let's go see it.
I want the tour.
Um, that's definitely something
we should do some time,
just as soon as we're settled.
Chief is still turning
around in circles
- trying to figure out where to sit.
- Not long now!
I'm sorry, are we just
going to ignore the most
noteworthy thing in this room
- the fact that Tabitha doesn't have fur.
- That's not Tabitha.
It's obviously some
deformed baby walrus.
- Gray One.
- Oh, my God, it's Tabitha!
[chuckles]
You look great.
Last night,
Brett and Stelios had
"RuPaul Drag Race"
watching party.
I was ready for big reveal.
♪
♪
[all gasp]
[screaming]
I was serving Joan of Arc
realness.
It's like she's inside out.
It's more like she's
a beautiful newborn pony
trapped in a sausage casing.
Excuse me? This crowd
is insulting my looks?
You know, so much of your life
has been focused on appearance.
This is a great opportunity
for you to explore
- what's on the inside.
- That is what is said to ugly cats.
I do not stay where
I am not worshipped.
I'll go after her.
I need the steps.
Tabitha! Tabitha! Tabitha!
[panting]
Do you want some company
on your way home?
I've got time.
Kevin won't miss me.
Our love is beyond words,
or affection.
You are feeling sorry for me?
[scoffs]
Well, I mean, you're practically
naked. Here, take this.
Oof, even without
my gorgeous fur,
I am still 100% that bitch.
Leave me alone. [huffs]
Well, that's cool. Yeah,
I think I'll head home, too.
It's this way.
Or is it that way?
Oh, my God, it's a stray.
[gasps] Oh, come here
sweet guy! [cat yelps]
- I'm rescuing you.
- Let's see if he has a microchip.
- Did you steal that from the vet?
- They were throwing it out.
[yowls]
[beeps]
Don't you worry, big fella.
Before you know it, you'll
be back with your owner,
- Lonnie Shankman.
- I'm sorry, who now?
[fancy music]
I just love this open
concept, all the natural light.
Wait, there's an elevator?
[bell dinging]
Going up. Going down.
Going up.
Going down.
- Going up.
- Aw, it's my turn
to go up and down,
up and down.
- Knock, knock ♪
- We have company! [gasps]
Oh, my God, it's those fancy
angora bunnies from down the block.
What? They've never even
talked to us before.
Well, why would they?
We lived in
that dilapidated doghouse.
We were scum.
Oh, my God, how am
I supposed to act?
Act fancy.
Speak in a British accent.
You must be our
new neighbors,
Chip and Fluffy Bunny.
Honey and Chief.
We don't have last names.
[both laugh]
Oh, Chip, isn't she precious?
- Yeah, yeah, she's great.
- Welcome to the neighborhood.
Now that you live here,
you are part of
an elite club of homeowners.
Well, you got the Sparrows,
[chirping]
the Catses
[purring]
And King Poopy Pants
McWhiskers III.
He hasn't left the castle
since his anus prolapsed.
Well, we must get to
know each other better.
Are you free for dinner
and drinks tonight?
- Absolutely!
- Sounds divine.
Chief, do you have
anything fancy to add?
Heh. [with accent]
I could do worse
than a schmooze and a nosh.
OK. See you tonight.
What the hell was that?
You told me to speak
with a Yiddish accent.
British, Chief.
A British accent.
[with accent]
Heh, you tell me this now?
[sad music]
- Even without my fur, I am
- Cream of the cat crop.
[gasps] That is what
I was going to say.
- Are you the devil?
- Devilish.
My name is Claude. I'm
surprised we've never met before.
I thought I knew all the
follicle-divergent cats
- in the neighborhood.
- Oh, well, you don't know me.
Hold on there. Arrogant,
emotionally closed off,
skin that won't quit?
You are crazy if you think
I'm gonna give up that easy.
[laughs] And you are crazy to
think that you are in my league.
But what the hell, follow me,
and I will continue
to reject you all the way home.
[upbeat music]
Guys, I think
there's been a mistake.
My owner's name is Kevin.
- Rhymes with heaven.
- This is it.
[rings doorbell]
Can I help you?
Oh, my God! Prince!
Is that you?!
No. No, it's not.
[yowls]
It's just so gratifying.
[muffled yowling]
[munching]
Chief, I asked you
to put out the pig ears
and uncork the squirrel pee.
The Bunnies will be here soon.
[groans]
[creaking]
What was that?
[with accent] One of
the floor boards is loose.
Why do you sound like
Jay Leno after a stroke?
I'm perfecting my British accent.
- Blah!
- Keep working on it.
In the meantime,
can you fix the floorboard?
Uh, no.
I'll call a handyman.
Raccoon!
We need your hands, man!
♪
And there's the two of us
on Santa's lap
the two of us in Cabo.
Oh, my Prince, I am so
sorry for losing you.
And you're losing me now.
Listen, Lonnie, was it?
- I have an owner.
- Do you still like scratches
on your special spot?
Hush, little Princie
don't say a word ♪
Oh, my God, I am the cat
formerly known as Prince.
♪
So I said, "I don't care
if you call me Bugs Bunny,
just as long as
I get that carrot."
[laughter]
- So did she get the carrot or
- I don't know. Just laugh.
[laughs]
[with accent]
Dat's hilarious, mon.
- [whispers] British.
- Nope.
Welp, that floorboard won't be
giving you any more problems.
Hey, aren't you
those snobby bunnies
who never say hello when I'm
going through your trash?
Aren't you that
raccoon who rents that shed
- and eats garbage with his hands?
- The one and only.
I didn't know we were
having a block party.
We're not. Raccoon, this
water is for our guests.
[splashing]
Oh, that's OK.
- Da da da da da ♪
- Well, that's our cue.
No, stay. Raccoon was
just about to be kicked out.
I was?
Ohh, right.
I'm not a guest.
I'm "the help."
[thud]
Raccoon out.
♪
[snoring]
Morning, my Prince.
[purring]
Ready to have the best day ever?
You let me sleep
on your face,
and you're saying
it gets better?
So this is what it's
like to have a best friend ♪
We're spending our days
enjoying each other ♪
BOTH: Yeah, this is
what it's like ♪
To have a best friend ♪
I'm your furless dad ♪
BOTH: And you're my
furry brother ♪
[laughter] Let's go home,
and I'll rub your belly
while I fill it with tuna.
Oh, Lonnie,
I didn't know I was lost
until I was found by you.
[muffled yelling]
Oh! I almost forgot.
Prince, this is Paul.
He's a friend I made while you
were taking a bathroom break
in the sandbox.
Um, Lonnie, what the
hell's going on here?
I thought I was your friend.
[upbeat music]
I mean, at first,
Lonnie couldn't
have been more attentive.
And he stroked me like
an ever-loving Bond villain.
But ever since Paul came along,
Lonnie doesn't sharpen knives
with me anymore.
He doesn't shop for
plastic sheeting with me.
Well, what's so great
about Paul, besides his name?
Beats me. He just sits
in the basement screaming,
"Help! Help!"
24 hours a day.
Why don't you just
go back to Kevin
- so we can stop talking about this?
- New Chico. Who Kevin?
Well, as a homeowner, I
get the plastic sheeting part.
But why would you want
your knives to be dull?
Like this conversation
until I started speaking.
There is a cat who
is obsessed with me.
- Is her name Tabitha?
- No, he is he/him, named Claude.
He wants to torture and
kill a mouse with me.
So obviously,
he knows a good time.
But he is hairless and
disgusting to look at.
- And I have standards.
- Ugh, we know.
Maybe it's time to
lower those standards,
not that you're not the
prettiest pickled pig fetus
at the science fair.
But you could use
this as an opportunity
to connect with another cat
on a more meaningful level.
[chuckles] That's rich.
Why don't you lower
your standards?
- Uh, what's happening?
Your precious therapist threw
a dinner party last night,
which I wasn't allowed to crash
because I'm not fancy enough.
Honey, if this is true, I
find it completely unforgivable.
- Thank you.
- That you would throw
a dinner party and not invite us?
What do you think,
you're better than us?!
- No, no, not better, per se.
- Gah, next you're going
to be selling a candle that
smells like your poop shoot.
- I'll take one.
- Make that two.
But ever since you got that
house, that's all you care about.
- That's not true.
- Prove it.
Um um, I
how about this?
I let you have the house
all to yourself tonight.
Chief and I will just slum
it in the laundry room,
like the rest of you
commoners, um, creatures.
You mean it?
You'll let me stay in your
- precious special mansion?
- Yeah, it's yours.
- OK, then, thank you very much.
- So this butt candle
do I have to light
it for the smell?
And can I get it
as a bath bomb?
Mmm, this food
has very interesting texture.
- How do you pronounce it again?
- Gordita.
Stop right there.
I must paint you.
Oh, well, I have
certainly looked better, but
Us hairless cats have to let
go of what others think of us.
Yes, us hairless cats.
Besides, I'm not
painting how you look.
I am painting who you are.
[gulps]
- Tell me something true.
- OK.
- No, not from your head, from your spirit.
- Well
Tell me your biggest fear from
the deepest chasm of your soul.
All right, I've built
up a wall around me
that will keep me
from ever truly
connecting with another cat!
[gasps]
Well, I wouldn't worry
about that anymore.
- [gasps] It's beautiful.
- What do you see?
[gentle guitar music]
I see me.
♪
[singing in foreign language]
Oh, hey, Scabitha, still seeing
- that wrinkled bag of pink?
- Yes, I'm still seeing Claude,
who I don't even notice
is incredibly hideous,
because I am in love.
I wonder, what's
going to happen when
your hair starts growing back?
Claude doesn't care
what I look like.
[chuckles]
Now, that's obvious.
- But he might care that you lied.
- Oh, crap.
[upbeat music]
There's my one and only.
Want to rub my belly,
big felly?
You stay here, buddy.
Daddy's just running out
to get some more hydrochloric
acid and piano wire for Paul.
Paul, Paul, Paul.
Where's my hydrochloric piano?
Help! Help me!
I've been abducted.
Can anybody hear me?
My name is Paul Pressman.
OK, Paul, there's not
enough Lonnie for both of us.
[yowls]
[struggling efforts]
Just let go, Paul.
Don't fight it!
Oh! Oh, I'm free!
[suspenseful music]
[grunts]
And stay out!
[club music playing]
[laughter]
[excited chatter]
- Whoa!
- Yeah! It's more fun!
Whoa!
Oh!
[glass shatters]
[knock at door]
Again!
[laughs]
[knocking at door]
What the hell?
- I need you to shave me.
[glass shatters]
[club music pounding]
Chief, do you hear that?
Raccoon and his friends
are tearing up the place.
What will
King Poopy Pants think?
Then just go
shut the party down.
After I promised
Raccoon the house?
I can't have him
thinking I'm a D-bag.
Ooh, but I don't care
what he thinks about Jill.
[barking]
Jill!
Now, this blade may
be a little worn down.
My last client was a porcupine.
[razor buzzing]
[police sirens chirping]
Raid!
[crashing]
[all clamoring]
- No, you have to finish.
- Sorry, cat, it's Animal Control,
and I've already got two strikes.
[whimpers]
Ugh, here.
Now, run!
[intense music]
Ah! No!
Ah, ugh! Poodle set me up.
[police radio chatter]
[handcuffs click]
Wow.
I didn't know Jill
would call the po-po.
- Just wow.
- I thought she was just
going to get her umbrella and
open and close it really fast.
What's going to happen to him?
Don't worry.
He won't be killed.
We're just going to relocate
him deep into the woods.
- Where he'll be killed.
- He'll be fine.
He's a wild animal, who cuts
hair, brews his own kombucha,
and cries at YouTube videos
of deaf babies
hearing their mom's voice
for the first time.
Oh, my God, he's gonna
die out there.
[rustling]
Hey, get out of there,
you filthy, freaky mole rat.
- Gray One.
- Oh, hey, Tabitha, you look great.
- What are you doing here?
- A couple of foxes
told me about the wild party.
What are you doing?
Looking for Raccoon's razor,
or maybe
laser hair removal Groupon.
I have a date with
Claude soon, and I have
to find a way to lose this.
Oh, Tabs, if you never
show him your true self,
you'll never get a chance to be
loved for who you really are.
- That is beautiful.
- Oh, that's not me.
That's a line from the
upcoming Broadway musical
"How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days."
[sighs] I will do the right
thing and tell the truth,
that I am not hideous, disgusting,
hairless freak like he is.
I only got
10 days to lose this guy ♪
Lose this guy
in the next 10 days ♪
Oh, that's gonna be a hit.
[upbeat music]
Lonnie!
Finally, some quality time.
What should we do first?
I could nuzzle up in your boxers
while you go to the bathroom.
[wind gusting]
[gasps]
Paul?
Paul?
Where'd Paul go?
[suspenseful music]
Oh, where the hell is Paul?!
Keep that man's name
out of your mouth!
We have to get out of here.
[gasps]
You! Drop the chonky cat
and put your hands in the air.
[cocks gun]
- No more new friends!
- Ahh! [yowling]
[sniffing]
Honey, we've been looking
for over two nap cycles.
This is more like hound work.
Well, we don't
know any hounds.
Besides, this is your fault.
If you knew
how to fix a floorboard,
I never would have been
embarrassed by Raccoon
and tried to distance myself
from him,
humiliating him
in front of those bunnies
I don't even like
in the first place.
Arr! [with accent] Don't turn
this around on me, you landlubber.
You'll just be mad
at your old self.
Still not British.
But you're right.
- I'm sorry. I'm just
- Let's find a safe harbor
and get us some rum.
Yo ho! Yo ho!
A British life for me.
[gasps] What's that?
Up yonder? That's Deers,
our friendly neighborhood
watering hole, where
everybody knows your name.
Hey, I know my name!
[laughs]
[upbeat piano theme]
Hello, there.
[all seething]
[whispers] Act natural.
[with accent] Chief's the name.
Cheerios, Lucky Charms,
Honey Bunches of Oats.
[growls]
What do we have here, huh?
Little Lord Dogleroy.
Now is when you
nail the accent?
♪
Hey, beautiful,
you ready to take a walk?
Claude, there is there is
something I need to tell you.
Well, go ahead, babe. You
know you can tell me anything.
Maybe it's better I show you.
Please remove kerchief.
[suspenseful music]
[gasps] You're a hairy.
- I don't know what to say.
- I'm sorry I lied.
It's OK.
I understand why you lied.
You had to.
- You're disgusting.
- You're grossed out by me?
- I'm just not a hair guy.
- But I I was grossed out by you first.
I can't believe we almost barbed.
And I can't believe
I was almost attracted
to what was on the inside.
♪
[sighs] First Lonnie, then
Kevin, then Lonnie again.
Maybe I'm just
destined to be alone.
- There you are, Chico.
- Kevin!
I saw you on the news.
Come here, my big, brave buddy.
[meows]
You have no idea
how much I missed you.
Dude, my cat just, like,
totally prevented a murder.
There's usually
a reward for that, right?
I have an extra ticket to
the upcoming Broadway musical
"How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days."
I only got 10 days
to lose this guy ♪
Lose this guy in
the next 10 days ♪
Oh, it's going to be a hit.
♪
Hey, you fancy
British house dogs,
why don't you take your doggy
daycare selves back home
and drink out of your own
personalized dog bowls?
[with accent] I would
like to nip off about now.
- Drop the accent.
- [with accent] What accent?
Oh, no.
I can't get rid of it.
- I've gone full Madonna.
- Um, I'm not with this fancy dog.
I'm just a humble
woods critter looking
to wet my whistle after
a long day of crittering.
- Crap.
- How about a little
less conversation and
a little more mutilation?
[snarling]
- Back off, Bob.
- Whatever you say, Thumbs.
Oh, Raccoon.
It's no fun being treated
like an outsider, is it?
Wait!
Raccoon, wait.
I can't believe you saved me,
especially after last night.
And tomorrow,
you're going to go
right back to your easy,
domesticated life
and right back to seeing
me as some dirty animal
- who lives in a shed.
- But you do live in a shed.
And the rest of the time,
you're in garbage cans, so
Well, not everything in garbage cans
likes to be treated like garbage.
I've been underestimated
my whole life.
But it hurts the
most when you do it.
Wait, isn't that
from your one-raccoon show
after your dad says
you'll never be an architect?
- Technically, yes, but it still applies.
- You're right.
I got so caught up in
keeping up with the Bunnies
I forgot who my friends are.
- I'm your friend.
- Of course you are.
And I hope you can forgive
me because the floorboard
is doing that thing again.
I'm kidding! I mean, I'm not
kidding about the floorboard.
It still squeaks.
But I'd hope that you'd
fix it as a friend
and not as a handyman.
You know, friends do favors
for each other, too.
I'm glad you're not dead.
If that was an apology,
I forgive you.
You know, friends
also give friends
free poodle rides for a month.
Free poo
Fine. Get on.
- To Deers!
- [sighs]
♪
[upbeat music]
I want to apologize for not
welcoming you all
into my home sooner.
Tabitha, it's good to
not see your face again
- [chuckles] because of the hair.
- No, I got it.
- So how are things with Claude?
- You mean Fraud?
Hmph. I dump him way
before he dump me.
Yes, this whole
time I worry that I am
not enough on the inside.
But then my hair grew back.
And I realize
my outside is enough.
Aww! Well, I wasn't
enough for Lonnie.
And now he's being held in
the federal detention center
on eight counts of murder.
[with accent]
Darling, wee fun Raccoon
is putting a gas fireplace
in the primary bedroom.
He's not certified for that.
[explosion booms]
[car alarms wailing]
Oh, no!
[gasps]
The explosion knocked
the British out of me.
- And all our hair off, again.
- Sorry about your house.
Eh, it's probably for the best.
So do you guys have insurance?
Or do none of us know what that is?