How Do You Want Me? (1998) s02e05 Episode Script
Ready Steady Kill
(Cock crows) You know, I can't have tea without a biscuit any more.
Nor can I.
Have you ever been shooting with a gun? Mm.
I shot the sheriff.
But I did not shoot the deputy.
It's supposed to be really good fun.
Dean used to go with Dad till they fell out.
I'm not going clay pigeon shooting with your father, the lord of all darkness.
Oh, go on.
It will be a chance to bond.
James Bond.
Licence to kill.
(As Sean Connery) Hello, Miss Moneypenny.
This is your argument, is it? Just words at random? Oh, please.
No.
I don't really want to go shooting with somebody who's already tried to kill me.
Oh, he didn't.
He arranged for me to fall through the roof of the barn.
Rubbish.
You go shooting with him.
He hasn't tried to rub you out yet.
No.
I hate bangs.
I'm sure they can get you a big noiseâÂ"muffling pink cosy.
Anyway, guns are the crowning idiocy of the human race.
âÂ" They're even more stupid than âÂ" Driving gloves? Yeah.
And all those dreadful magazines people buy.
Trigger Head.
Holiday Guns.
Ready, Steady, Kill.
Are you sure you don't want to go cos you're not very good? That is just so Oh.
Oh, lan! The gears set up for crosses, Trevor.
âÂ" I don't approve of guns, actually.
âÂ" Really? Imagine the world without guns.
Well, we'd look pretty stupid standing here now, that's for sure.
The Kennedys would still be nine for lunch.
Quentin Tarantino would have a proper job.
I suppose people would find other ways of killing one another âÂ" bows and arrows, swishing, groans, mud.
I can trot around my house being a pony or a you know.
I just caught sight of myself yesterday in Briony's wing mirror.
âÂ" And I just I realised I've become a spinster.
âÂ" You have not.
I have.
I walk like a spinster.
How does a spinster walk? âÂ" Well, like me, that's what I'm saying.
âÂ" Don't be so bloody stupid.
Come on.
Everything's fine.
Life's fantastic.
âÂ" I'm a whizzy businesswoman.
âÂ" Yes, you are.
Ooh, sorry.
It's just that fire in the shop has given you too much time to think.
I've got great ideas for the new changing rooms.
Oh, God.
Even Muffy's got that bloke from Penfold she sees in the mornings.
You think of all the blokes you've turned down.
âÂ" Who? âÂ" Sean.
âÂ" Well, Gavin was really keen.
âÂ" No, no.
He really does drink his own urine.
Dean's seen him do it.
âÂ" What are you doing with the changing rooms? âÂ" Oh, yeah.
Each changing room decorated in the style of a different foreign country.
Pull.
Oh, well done.
Do we have to go and pick up the bits? No.
No.
âÂ" You ready? âÂ" Yeah, yeah.
Yep.
You have to shout.
âÂ" Oh, yeah.
Fire! âÂ" No, pull! Pull, oh, pull! Can I practise on something bigger, like the ground? No.
Come on.
âÂ" Pull! âÂ" I want to say that.
That's half the fun.
Pull! (Clay pigeon whizzes) Agh! Bad luck.
Ready? Pull! Fire! âÂ" No, pull.
âÂ" Bugger.
Pull! Do you do an extra big clay? No.
Pull! Guns are transparently phallic, anyway.
The right to carry handguns lobby are all obviously suffering from advanced castration neurosis.
Pull! Yeehah! Eat lead, pigeon! So, are you looking after Lisa properly? âÂ" (High voice) Yeah.
âÂ" Good.
Shall we start to keep score? (High voice) Yeah.
Good.
âÂ" But lan thinks you should go out with Derek.
âÂ" (Laughs) God, no, we hate each other.
You've read Jane Austen, you know that's the first sign of undying love.
âÂ" Oh, I'll find someone.
âÂ" (Gunshots) I don't blame men for being wary of me because sometimes I can look nice and sometimes I can look quite rough, and I can't guarantee when I'm gonna look which.
So I'm a bit of a gamble, really.
âÂ" You're so lucky you've got lan.
âÂ" (lan) Pull! He's so nice.
âÂ" (Gunshot) âÂ" Shit! Bugger! Arse! It's true what they say, you know, I found it awfully exciting to have a gun in my hand.
âÂ" Oh, dear.
âÂ" No, it's an elemental thing.
âÂ" Puts you in touch with the hunter within.
âÂ" You've got a hunter within? Kept that one very quiet.
Does he go on holiday a lot? Your dad cheats, you know.
He claims he's hit clays he hasn't.
âÂ" I thought Trevor was there to adjudicate.
âÂ" Yeah, well.
Trevor adjudicating is a bit like Himmler adjudicating for Hitler, isn't it? I'm not saying there's similarities but your dad is facially similar.
Lan.
Do you think she's pretty? Oh, don't ask me that, I don't know.
I always get this wrong.
She's gorgeous.
Yeah, well, women are so much more generous about their own sex, aren't they? So well done.
Thank you.
Look, could you take photographs of me looking like that? Sure.
You're quite a good photographer now, aren't you? Yes, I am.
Especially in my chosen area of kitten playing with ball of string.
Will you take some, then? Sure, yeah.
âÂ" It's 20 quid off for full nudity.
âÂ" MmâÂ"hm.
âÂ" That's me fully nude, obviously.
âÂ" Oh, obviously.
âÂ" OK, hold it there.
âÂ" (Camera clicks) Helen's depressed.
I can't say sorry any more about burning down the shop.
Fire happens.
It's not just that.
I think she realises she needs a man.
Men are everywhere.
I see them in hedgerows and car parks and cashpoints and everything.
âÂ" Dean said he'd quite like to sleep with Helen.
âÂ" Oh, God.
Oh, that's nice âÂ" highly shocked.
So you don't think incest is necessarily the answer, then? âÂ" That is one weirdy boy, you know.
âÂ" Yeah.
To be fair on him, I think it was purely sexual.
I don't think he wanted a longâÂ"term relationship.
Shouldn't you be saying things to me like, "Wet your lips and give nipple" and stuff like that? You don't barge in with "give nipple.
" You have to build towards that stuff.
So give me Give me happy.
Oh, that's nice.
Happy with a hint of madness.
Mad with a hint of happiness.
All right.
Go into sort of, you know, nervous anticipating but with a sliver of insomnia.
âÂ" Do warn me if I look like Ronnie Corbett.
âÂ" Don't worry about that.
OK, now relax into sort of, you know, having an orgasm, but you're talking to an old librarian.
Ooh, that happened to me once.
âÂ" It didn't? âÂ" Of course it didn't, you big pervert! All right.
Ah, ha, ha.
(They laugh) I love you when you're I love you.
âÂ" Don't, lan, I'm all welling up.
âÂ" Well, don't.
Well down.
Don't.
My mascara's gonna run.
No, that's good.
Give me panda.
Give me panda nipple.
(Hums) We find you guilty of being present in soups.
Don't worry, bunnies, I shoot only earthenware and green groceries.
Breed in peace.
(Silence) (Clicks) Sorry, old people asleep.
Sorry, waking old ladies.
Sorry.
Mah! Ha! Coleslaw! Lisa, these are fantastic.
You look You look fantastic.
You know, lan put one in the display box outside the studio, and Kelvin the temporary milkman rang me up and asked me for a date.
Men do respond to visual stimuli, there was something in the paper.
No, no, he was very sweet.
He tried to pass it off as a yoghurt promotion.
God, the natives are massing.
Ugh.
Like in Zulu.
(Laughs) All right, girls.
Can I get youse a drink? âÂ" We're fine, thanks, Gavin.
âÂ" Hi, Helen.
I heard on the grapevine you're looking for a bloke.
Well, yes, I suppose I am.
I know you turned me down a while back, but I've come on a lot since then.
âÂ" I don't think it would work, really.
âÂ" You say that, but I've asked round the lads and they feel I've ironed out a few personality problems.
Oh.
No.
I mean, you're great, Gavin, but I âÂ" I think there'd always be something missing.
Well, I mean, you say that, but, you know, in a sense there wouldn't be.
Gavin, she's trying to turn you down.
Right.
OK.
Do you know anybody else I could go out with? Not really.
Sorry, Gavin.
(Laughs) Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Great.
All right.
Catch you later.
Look, look, look.
The inquest.
"Nah, nah, nah.
She wanted to go out, but I changed me mind.
" (Tuts) âÂ" You look really cool.
âÂ" Yeah.
Lan is great now, isn't he? Especially when you think back to how crap he was when he started.
Look, you just look like you're off to a chic restaurant in the West End.
I could get you a photo session for your birthday.
Oh, Leece.
That is actually a fantastic idea, I'd love that.
UhâÂ"oh.
âÂ" Hello, Helen.
âÂ" No, I'm sorry, John.
âÂ" OK.
âÂ" Oh.
Can I stay here for a bit so it looks like you had a bit of a think first? âÂ" Of course.
âÂ" Thanks.
âÂ" Pull.
âÂ" (Clay whizzes) (Gunshot) âÂ" Well done.
You've started hitting them.
âÂ" Yes, thank you.
You can come down to the farm.
Shoot some rats if ever you fancy it.
No, I couldn't shoot anything alive unless it was coming at me.
Pull! âÂ" Did I clip that one, Trevor? âÂ" Yes, you did.
What? It clipped the corner.
I don't think it did.
We don't have to keep a score if you're finding it a little awkward.
21âÂ"13, Yardley.
Pull.
âÂ" I might have winged that.
âÂ" (Both) No.
No, you didn't.
Oh, OK.
(lan) I have a confession.
I think my pleasure was enhanced by the photographs of you.
(Lisa) Oh.
(lan) So, really I was making love to an image.
In fact, an image constructed by me, so it's all a bit masturbatory, I suppose.
(Lisa) Ah, what the hell.
As long as the pictures of Helen don't have the same effect.
(lan) Well, no.
âÂ" Oh, how's my pa? âÂ" Your what? My sharpâÂ"shootin' pa.
He's a sharpâÂ"shootin' cheat.
It's beginning to get a bit annoying, actually.
Doesn't really matter, though, does it? You're just doing the good sonâÂ"inâÂ"law bit.
Well, he hasn't shot me yet.
I suppose that's a plus.
Actually, bollocks.
Why should he get away with it? Well, I'd let your father cheat if he felt he really needed to.
That's just patronising the elderly.
That's all right.
âÂ" Sorry, Helen.
âÂ" That's all right.
Supermodels are always sort of saying things like, I don't know, "My mouth's too huge" or "I've got teeth like tusks.
" Makes you want to hold their heads underwater, doesn't it? Mm.
No, I'm sure they're lovely.
So if these, erm come out well, will you put them in the display cabinet? Sure.
âÂ" Really? âÂ" Sure.
I always wanted to go in it before when Mr Webb ran the studio.
Because we all trotted down once and had our portraits taken, but he put Dad in the cabinet.
âÂ" Oh, I'm sorry.
âÂ" No, I'm over it now.
âÂ" Right.
Let's go, will we? âÂ" Really? Now? Mm.
If you were to go and sit Oh, gosh, that's quite a number.
âÂ" Is it too much? âÂ" No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
Sure? OK.
It's Tizzy LeighâÂ"Barratt's sister's comingâÂ"out dress.
Ooh, ooh.
Sorry.
It comes with long white gloves.
Shall I put them on? Sort of Only if you want to look like a croupier.
No, I think I'll leave it.
I think I'm fine.
I'll leave it.
Um What do you think about the smiling? âÂ" Smiling's good.
Do whatever feels natural.
âÂ" Yeah, OK.
OK.
(Sighs) Mm.
It's just that you look a little tense.
Yeah, that's less.
Yeehah! Hello.
(Wings flapping) No, that would be wrong.
That would be wrong.
âÂ" (Lisa) Hello, gorgeous.
âÂ" Hi.
You don't have to do this, you know.
Why don't you send the hunter within home? No.
I want to do this well.
When I do something, I like to do it well.
You should get back inside with the womenfolk.
What's in this bag? Er Squid, magic drawing pins, bananas.
Helen's photos.
âÂ" We've got a postcard from Dean.
Seen it? âÂ" No.
"Everything going well, no mishaps apart from parking the car in a river and being arrested.
"Everything else well apart from the dwarf thing.
" He's ripped the corner off, just in case the drugs unit didn't know.
Lan, you you can't let Helen have these.
Why not? âÂ" They're terrible.
âÂ" They're fine! Oh, they're so unflattering.
I mean, look, she's all shiny there.
And that one, her nose is running.
âÂ" Well, people should accept the way they look.
âÂ" Helen's pretty.
Yeah, OK, but she's not very photogenic, is she? She had these photos done to feel good about herself.
I'm not a therapist, I can't flatter people's vanity.
Yes, you can.
It's not vain to want to look nice.
Why is she wearing gloves? âÂ" I don't know.
It's her fantasy thing.
âÂ" She looks like a magician's assistant.
That's what she wanted.
I don't want to hurt her feelings.
You have to do these again.
No! I'm not doing them again.
I'm not wasting time and money on them.
No, I'm not, no.
No.
This is what used to happen to Rembrandt all the time.
People would complain about their portraits and he used to say, "Well, I just paint the truth.
The truth is out there and I just paint it.
" You made that up.
âÂ" OK.
âÂ" That's from The X Files.
OK.
But that's what he would have said if he'd been working for the FBI.
Here you are.
Thanks for doing these.
Now, here's Helen, right, and I've superimposed some tulips so it looks as if she's lightâÂ"heartedly peering through.
Mm.
And this one is Helen with well, essentially a horse.
And, erm âÂ" this one contrasts the equine and the human.
âÂ" MmâÂ"hm.
âÂ" That's nice.
âÂ" And in this one, I've inserted her into a lantern so it takes the edge off her face and it's more rounded.
âÂ" That's clever.
âÂ" They're good, aren't they? They're really good.
They're great.
Er, I don't know I don't know about this one.
What do you think? Pull! 46âÂ"45, Lyons.
Pull.
âÂ" What do you think, Trevor? âÂ" Just clipped it.
Yeah.
I thought so.
Pull.
âÂ" (Both) Bad luck.
âÂ" What? Tricky buggers.
Just when you think you've got the measure of them.
âÂ" Excuse me, but you're cheating.
âÂ" Don't be ridiculous.
âÂ" You take that back.
âÂ" Back off, Trevor.
Let's just get to 50 and finish, shall we? âÂ" Pull.
âÂ" # La, laâÂ"la, laâÂ"la, la, la La, laâÂ"la And that wasn't cheating.
âÂ" Well, it's obviously open house.
âÂ" Look, shall we get on? Pull.
What appalling luck.
47âÂ"46, Yardley.
AhâÂ"ha, ha, ha.
You're a real bully.
You're going to be like this until you're dead, aren't you? âÂ" Come on, Trevor.
Bring the apparatus.
âÂ" No, wait a minute.
Don't go anywhere.
Come back! Come back! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
(Doorbell) âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Hello, darling.
âÂ" How are you? âÂ" I'm fine.
Good.
âÂ" How are you? âÂ" Fine.
âÂ" I brought back your shoes.
âÂ" Oh, thanks.
Excellent.
No, no, I'll take them.
And I've got the photos.
You haven't.
Ah.
Now, lan's gone for something a little bit different.
Oh, these are lovely, Lisa.
âÂ" I love them.
âÂ" Yeah, they're really good, aren't they? They really are.
I love them.
âÂ" Oh, look at that one.
âÂ" lan sort of âÂ" He thought it would be good to put âÂ" A pony's head, knowing I love ponies.
Ooh.
One with me behind gauze.
Seriously, they are they're really fun.
Which is probably more me, you know.
Yeah.
Good.
We were a bit worried.
No.
Stop it.
It's a super present.
âÂ" Oh.
Come here.
âÂ" Good.
(Phone rings) Hello? Right.
Right.
Yeah, yeah.
Hang on.
I'll tell Lisa.
Um Don't panic, but lan shot Dad.
(Door opens) Hello.
How is he? I heard it was just a flesh wound.
I don't mean only, but you know Did you say sorry for me? I'm not allowed to go.
You know I didn't mean to kill him.
It just happened.
I don't know what came over me.
You know what kind of man he is.
It just happened.
I don't know, I'm sorry.
Maybe I can see him and give him some flowers or aftershave or something.
âÂ" I don't want you to sleep here tonight, lan.
âÂ" So that's still it, is it? âÂ" You're still on your dad's side and that's it.
âÂ" Don't you mean the man you shot? I should have shot Trevor, then.
It would have been less inflammatory.
Look, I'm sorry your dad is bleeding and injured and everything, OK, but he was cheating.
You don't know how insulting that is for a man.
I'll patch it up with him.
I'll take him out to the Whistly Kettle.
We'll have a meringue.
(Door slams) All right, look.
We'll never speak again.
How's that? Then he'll really learn to like me.
âÂ" (lan) Helen? âÂ" Hi.
Hi.
I came to say sorry.
I don't know what else to say.
It was a really stupid thing to do, lan.
Yes, it's terrible.
It's terrible.
You know what your father's like.
Lisa's thrown me out.
(Sniffs) Well, it's an upsetting time, so Yeah.
It's awful, really.
It's awful for (Sniffs) âÂ" Did you like your photos? You look great.
âÂ" Absolutely.
They're a lot of fun.
Good, good.
I was quite proud of them, really.
Er, Lisa rang and asked me to spend the night, so Tonight? Good, great.
Great.
Absolutely.
Good.
The heating's a bit dicky, so you might want to âÂ" I've got a big jumper.
I'll be all right.
âÂ" Right.
Good.
Good.
Good stuff.
And, er the fridge light can be a bit sort of flyâÂ"byâÂ"night.
I've got to go, really.
I'm late.
OK.
Sure, yeah.
We'll go.
Yeah.
Right.
You go and I'll, er head back to the old the old, er the old thing.
OK.
(Faint chatter)
Nor can I.
Have you ever been shooting with a gun? Mm.
I shot the sheriff.
But I did not shoot the deputy.
It's supposed to be really good fun.
Dean used to go with Dad till they fell out.
I'm not going clay pigeon shooting with your father, the lord of all darkness.
Oh, go on.
It will be a chance to bond.
James Bond.
Licence to kill.
(As Sean Connery) Hello, Miss Moneypenny.
This is your argument, is it? Just words at random? Oh, please.
No.
I don't really want to go shooting with somebody who's already tried to kill me.
Oh, he didn't.
He arranged for me to fall through the roof of the barn.
Rubbish.
You go shooting with him.
He hasn't tried to rub you out yet.
No.
I hate bangs.
I'm sure they can get you a big noiseâÂ"muffling pink cosy.
Anyway, guns are the crowning idiocy of the human race.
âÂ" They're even more stupid than âÂ" Driving gloves? Yeah.
And all those dreadful magazines people buy.
Trigger Head.
Holiday Guns.
Ready, Steady, Kill.
Are you sure you don't want to go cos you're not very good? That is just so Oh.
Oh, lan! The gears set up for crosses, Trevor.
âÂ" I don't approve of guns, actually.
âÂ" Really? Imagine the world without guns.
Well, we'd look pretty stupid standing here now, that's for sure.
The Kennedys would still be nine for lunch.
Quentin Tarantino would have a proper job.
I suppose people would find other ways of killing one another âÂ" bows and arrows, swishing, groans, mud.
I can trot around my house being a pony or a you know.
I just caught sight of myself yesterday in Briony's wing mirror.
âÂ" And I just I realised I've become a spinster.
âÂ" You have not.
I have.
I walk like a spinster.
How does a spinster walk? âÂ" Well, like me, that's what I'm saying.
âÂ" Don't be so bloody stupid.
Come on.
Everything's fine.
Life's fantastic.
âÂ" I'm a whizzy businesswoman.
âÂ" Yes, you are.
Ooh, sorry.
It's just that fire in the shop has given you too much time to think.
I've got great ideas for the new changing rooms.
Oh, God.
Even Muffy's got that bloke from Penfold she sees in the mornings.
You think of all the blokes you've turned down.
âÂ" Who? âÂ" Sean.
âÂ" Well, Gavin was really keen.
âÂ" No, no.
He really does drink his own urine.
Dean's seen him do it.
âÂ" What are you doing with the changing rooms? âÂ" Oh, yeah.
Each changing room decorated in the style of a different foreign country.
Pull.
Oh, well done.
Do we have to go and pick up the bits? No.
No.
âÂ" You ready? âÂ" Yeah, yeah.
Yep.
You have to shout.
âÂ" Oh, yeah.
Fire! âÂ" No, pull! Pull, oh, pull! Can I practise on something bigger, like the ground? No.
Come on.
âÂ" Pull! âÂ" I want to say that.
That's half the fun.
Pull! (Clay pigeon whizzes) Agh! Bad luck.
Ready? Pull! Fire! âÂ" No, pull.
âÂ" Bugger.
Pull! Do you do an extra big clay? No.
Pull! Guns are transparently phallic, anyway.
The right to carry handguns lobby are all obviously suffering from advanced castration neurosis.
Pull! Yeehah! Eat lead, pigeon! So, are you looking after Lisa properly? âÂ" (High voice) Yeah.
âÂ" Good.
Shall we start to keep score? (High voice) Yeah.
Good.
âÂ" But lan thinks you should go out with Derek.
âÂ" (Laughs) God, no, we hate each other.
You've read Jane Austen, you know that's the first sign of undying love.
âÂ" Oh, I'll find someone.
âÂ" (Gunshots) I don't blame men for being wary of me because sometimes I can look nice and sometimes I can look quite rough, and I can't guarantee when I'm gonna look which.
So I'm a bit of a gamble, really.
âÂ" You're so lucky you've got lan.
âÂ" (lan) Pull! He's so nice.
âÂ" (Gunshot) âÂ" Shit! Bugger! Arse! It's true what they say, you know, I found it awfully exciting to have a gun in my hand.
âÂ" Oh, dear.
âÂ" No, it's an elemental thing.
âÂ" Puts you in touch with the hunter within.
âÂ" You've got a hunter within? Kept that one very quiet.
Does he go on holiday a lot? Your dad cheats, you know.
He claims he's hit clays he hasn't.
âÂ" I thought Trevor was there to adjudicate.
âÂ" Yeah, well.
Trevor adjudicating is a bit like Himmler adjudicating for Hitler, isn't it? I'm not saying there's similarities but your dad is facially similar.
Lan.
Do you think she's pretty? Oh, don't ask me that, I don't know.
I always get this wrong.
She's gorgeous.
Yeah, well, women are so much more generous about their own sex, aren't they? So well done.
Thank you.
Look, could you take photographs of me looking like that? Sure.
You're quite a good photographer now, aren't you? Yes, I am.
Especially in my chosen area of kitten playing with ball of string.
Will you take some, then? Sure, yeah.
âÂ" It's 20 quid off for full nudity.
âÂ" MmâÂ"hm.
âÂ" That's me fully nude, obviously.
âÂ" Oh, obviously.
âÂ" OK, hold it there.
âÂ" (Camera clicks) Helen's depressed.
I can't say sorry any more about burning down the shop.
Fire happens.
It's not just that.
I think she realises she needs a man.
Men are everywhere.
I see them in hedgerows and car parks and cashpoints and everything.
âÂ" Dean said he'd quite like to sleep with Helen.
âÂ" Oh, God.
Oh, that's nice âÂ" highly shocked.
So you don't think incest is necessarily the answer, then? âÂ" That is one weirdy boy, you know.
âÂ" Yeah.
To be fair on him, I think it was purely sexual.
I don't think he wanted a longâÂ"term relationship.
Shouldn't you be saying things to me like, "Wet your lips and give nipple" and stuff like that? You don't barge in with "give nipple.
" You have to build towards that stuff.
So give me Give me happy.
Oh, that's nice.
Happy with a hint of madness.
Mad with a hint of happiness.
All right.
Go into sort of, you know, nervous anticipating but with a sliver of insomnia.
âÂ" Do warn me if I look like Ronnie Corbett.
âÂ" Don't worry about that.
OK, now relax into sort of, you know, having an orgasm, but you're talking to an old librarian.
Ooh, that happened to me once.
âÂ" It didn't? âÂ" Of course it didn't, you big pervert! All right.
Ah, ha, ha.
(They laugh) I love you when you're I love you.
âÂ" Don't, lan, I'm all welling up.
âÂ" Well, don't.
Well down.
Don't.
My mascara's gonna run.
No, that's good.
Give me panda.
Give me panda nipple.
(Hums) We find you guilty of being present in soups.
Don't worry, bunnies, I shoot only earthenware and green groceries.
Breed in peace.
(Silence) (Clicks) Sorry, old people asleep.
Sorry, waking old ladies.
Sorry.
Mah! Ha! Coleslaw! Lisa, these are fantastic.
You look You look fantastic.
You know, lan put one in the display box outside the studio, and Kelvin the temporary milkman rang me up and asked me for a date.
Men do respond to visual stimuli, there was something in the paper.
No, no, he was very sweet.
He tried to pass it off as a yoghurt promotion.
God, the natives are massing.
Ugh.
Like in Zulu.
(Laughs) All right, girls.
Can I get youse a drink? âÂ" We're fine, thanks, Gavin.
âÂ" Hi, Helen.
I heard on the grapevine you're looking for a bloke.
Well, yes, I suppose I am.
I know you turned me down a while back, but I've come on a lot since then.
âÂ" I don't think it would work, really.
âÂ" You say that, but I've asked round the lads and they feel I've ironed out a few personality problems.
Oh.
No.
I mean, you're great, Gavin, but I âÂ" I think there'd always be something missing.
Well, I mean, you say that, but, you know, in a sense there wouldn't be.
Gavin, she's trying to turn you down.
Right.
OK.
Do you know anybody else I could go out with? Not really.
Sorry, Gavin.
(Laughs) Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Great.
All right.
Catch you later.
Look, look, look.
The inquest.
"Nah, nah, nah.
She wanted to go out, but I changed me mind.
" (Tuts) âÂ" You look really cool.
âÂ" Yeah.
Lan is great now, isn't he? Especially when you think back to how crap he was when he started.
Look, you just look like you're off to a chic restaurant in the West End.
I could get you a photo session for your birthday.
Oh, Leece.
That is actually a fantastic idea, I'd love that.
UhâÂ"oh.
âÂ" Hello, Helen.
âÂ" No, I'm sorry, John.
âÂ" OK.
âÂ" Oh.
Can I stay here for a bit so it looks like you had a bit of a think first? âÂ" Of course.
âÂ" Thanks.
âÂ" Pull.
âÂ" (Clay whizzes) (Gunshot) âÂ" Well done.
You've started hitting them.
âÂ" Yes, thank you.
You can come down to the farm.
Shoot some rats if ever you fancy it.
No, I couldn't shoot anything alive unless it was coming at me.
Pull! âÂ" Did I clip that one, Trevor? âÂ" Yes, you did.
What? It clipped the corner.
I don't think it did.
We don't have to keep a score if you're finding it a little awkward.
21âÂ"13, Yardley.
Pull.
âÂ" I might have winged that.
âÂ" (Both) No.
No, you didn't.
Oh, OK.
(lan) I have a confession.
I think my pleasure was enhanced by the photographs of you.
(Lisa) Oh.
(lan) So, really I was making love to an image.
In fact, an image constructed by me, so it's all a bit masturbatory, I suppose.
(Lisa) Ah, what the hell.
As long as the pictures of Helen don't have the same effect.
(lan) Well, no.
âÂ" Oh, how's my pa? âÂ" Your what? My sharpâÂ"shootin' pa.
He's a sharpâÂ"shootin' cheat.
It's beginning to get a bit annoying, actually.
Doesn't really matter, though, does it? You're just doing the good sonâÂ"inâÂ"law bit.
Well, he hasn't shot me yet.
I suppose that's a plus.
Actually, bollocks.
Why should he get away with it? Well, I'd let your father cheat if he felt he really needed to.
That's just patronising the elderly.
That's all right.
âÂ" Sorry, Helen.
âÂ" That's all right.
Supermodels are always sort of saying things like, I don't know, "My mouth's too huge" or "I've got teeth like tusks.
" Makes you want to hold their heads underwater, doesn't it? Mm.
No, I'm sure they're lovely.
So if these, erm come out well, will you put them in the display cabinet? Sure.
âÂ" Really? âÂ" Sure.
I always wanted to go in it before when Mr Webb ran the studio.
Because we all trotted down once and had our portraits taken, but he put Dad in the cabinet.
âÂ" Oh, I'm sorry.
âÂ" No, I'm over it now.
âÂ" Right.
Let's go, will we? âÂ" Really? Now? Mm.
If you were to go and sit Oh, gosh, that's quite a number.
âÂ" Is it too much? âÂ" No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
Sure? OK.
It's Tizzy LeighâÂ"Barratt's sister's comingâÂ"out dress.
Ooh, ooh.
Sorry.
It comes with long white gloves.
Shall I put them on? Sort of Only if you want to look like a croupier.
No, I think I'll leave it.
I think I'm fine.
I'll leave it.
Um What do you think about the smiling? âÂ" Smiling's good.
Do whatever feels natural.
âÂ" Yeah, OK.
OK.
(Sighs) Mm.
It's just that you look a little tense.
Yeah, that's less.
Yeehah! Hello.
(Wings flapping) No, that would be wrong.
That would be wrong.
âÂ" (Lisa) Hello, gorgeous.
âÂ" Hi.
You don't have to do this, you know.
Why don't you send the hunter within home? No.
I want to do this well.
When I do something, I like to do it well.
You should get back inside with the womenfolk.
What's in this bag? Er Squid, magic drawing pins, bananas.
Helen's photos.
âÂ" We've got a postcard from Dean.
Seen it? âÂ" No.
"Everything going well, no mishaps apart from parking the car in a river and being arrested.
"Everything else well apart from the dwarf thing.
" He's ripped the corner off, just in case the drugs unit didn't know.
Lan, you you can't let Helen have these.
Why not? âÂ" They're terrible.
âÂ" They're fine! Oh, they're so unflattering.
I mean, look, she's all shiny there.
And that one, her nose is running.
âÂ" Well, people should accept the way they look.
âÂ" Helen's pretty.
Yeah, OK, but she's not very photogenic, is she? She had these photos done to feel good about herself.
I'm not a therapist, I can't flatter people's vanity.
Yes, you can.
It's not vain to want to look nice.
Why is she wearing gloves? âÂ" I don't know.
It's her fantasy thing.
âÂ" She looks like a magician's assistant.
That's what she wanted.
I don't want to hurt her feelings.
You have to do these again.
No! I'm not doing them again.
I'm not wasting time and money on them.
No, I'm not, no.
No.
This is what used to happen to Rembrandt all the time.
People would complain about their portraits and he used to say, "Well, I just paint the truth.
The truth is out there and I just paint it.
" You made that up.
âÂ" OK.
âÂ" That's from The X Files.
OK.
But that's what he would have said if he'd been working for the FBI.
Here you are.
Thanks for doing these.
Now, here's Helen, right, and I've superimposed some tulips so it looks as if she's lightâÂ"heartedly peering through.
Mm.
And this one is Helen with well, essentially a horse.
And, erm âÂ" this one contrasts the equine and the human.
âÂ" MmâÂ"hm.
âÂ" That's nice.
âÂ" And in this one, I've inserted her into a lantern so it takes the edge off her face and it's more rounded.
âÂ" That's clever.
âÂ" They're good, aren't they? They're really good.
They're great.
Er, I don't know I don't know about this one.
What do you think? Pull! 46âÂ"45, Lyons.
Pull.
âÂ" What do you think, Trevor? âÂ" Just clipped it.
Yeah.
I thought so.
Pull.
âÂ" (Both) Bad luck.
âÂ" What? Tricky buggers.
Just when you think you've got the measure of them.
âÂ" Excuse me, but you're cheating.
âÂ" Don't be ridiculous.
âÂ" You take that back.
âÂ" Back off, Trevor.
Let's just get to 50 and finish, shall we? âÂ" Pull.
âÂ" # La, laâÂ"la, laâÂ"la, la, la La, laâÂ"la And that wasn't cheating.
âÂ" Well, it's obviously open house.
âÂ" Look, shall we get on? Pull.
What appalling luck.
47âÂ"46, Yardley.
AhâÂ"ha, ha, ha.
You're a real bully.
You're going to be like this until you're dead, aren't you? âÂ" Come on, Trevor.
Bring the apparatus.
âÂ" No, wait a minute.
Don't go anywhere.
Come back! Come back! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
(Doorbell) âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Hello, darling.
âÂ" How are you? âÂ" I'm fine.
Good.
âÂ" How are you? âÂ" Fine.
âÂ" I brought back your shoes.
âÂ" Oh, thanks.
Excellent.
No, no, I'll take them.
And I've got the photos.
You haven't.
Ah.
Now, lan's gone for something a little bit different.
Oh, these are lovely, Lisa.
âÂ" I love them.
âÂ" Yeah, they're really good, aren't they? They really are.
I love them.
âÂ" Oh, look at that one.
âÂ" lan sort of âÂ" He thought it would be good to put âÂ" A pony's head, knowing I love ponies.
Ooh.
One with me behind gauze.
Seriously, they are they're really fun.
Which is probably more me, you know.
Yeah.
Good.
We were a bit worried.
No.
Stop it.
It's a super present.
âÂ" Oh.
Come here.
âÂ" Good.
(Phone rings) Hello? Right.
Right.
Yeah, yeah.
Hang on.
I'll tell Lisa.
Um Don't panic, but lan shot Dad.
(Door opens) Hello.
How is he? I heard it was just a flesh wound.
I don't mean only, but you know Did you say sorry for me? I'm not allowed to go.
You know I didn't mean to kill him.
It just happened.
I don't know what came over me.
You know what kind of man he is.
It just happened.
I don't know, I'm sorry.
Maybe I can see him and give him some flowers or aftershave or something.
âÂ" I don't want you to sleep here tonight, lan.
âÂ" So that's still it, is it? âÂ" You're still on your dad's side and that's it.
âÂ" Don't you mean the man you shot? I should have shot Trevor, then.
It would have been less inflammatory.
Look, I'm sorry your dad is bleeding and injured and everything, OK, but he was cheating.
You don't know how insulting that is for a man.
I'll patch it up with him.
I'll take him out to the Whistly Kettle.
We'll have a meringue.
(Door slams) All right, look.
We'll never speak again.
How's that? Then he'll really learn to like me.
âÂ" (lan) Helen? âÂ" Hi.
Hi.
I came to say sorry.
I don't know what else to say.
It was a really stupid thing to do, lan.
Yes, it's terrible.
It's terrible.
You know what your father's like.
Lisa's thrown me out.
(Sniffs) Well, it's an upsetting time, so Yeah.
It's awful, really.
It's awful for (Sniffs) âÂ" Did you like your photos? You look great.
âÂ" Absolutely.
They're a lot of fun.
Good, good.
I was quite proud of them, really.
Er, Lisa rang and asked me to spend the night, so Tonight? Good, great.
Great.
Absolutely.
Good.
The heating's a bit dicky, so you might want to âÂ" I've got a big jumper.
I'll be all right.
âÂ" Right.
Good.
Good.
Good stuff.
And, er the fridge light can be a bit sort of flyâÂ"byâÂ"night.
I've got to go, really.
I'm late.
OK.
Sure, yeah.
We'll go.
Yeah.
Right.
You go and I'll, er head back to the old the old, er the old thing.
OK.
(Faint chatter)