How I Met Your Father (2022) s02e05 Episode Script

1
I can see there's music
and love in the air.
How's the tour going?
Uh, well, um, let's see.
- I'm back with my man.
- Me!
And tomorrow night,
we play a sold-out show on Long Island.
So, I'd say it's going pretty good.
Uh, you think?
Aren't they adorable?
You can catch them
tomorrow night in Massapequa.
You can catch me,
Sandy Rivers, on the entertainment beat.
Demoted because of some
unproven accusations,
which, even if true, would be
perfectly legal in the states
in which the alleged
incidents took place.
That's my brother.
That's my brother in there!
Can you believe I was in his first band,
Sunny D and the Crazy Straw?
And guess who the Crazy Straw was?
Me! I was the straw.
Ellen, I know that you're excited,
but what we just watched
was very painful for
someone in this room.
Oh, thanks, but I'm fine. I've moved on.
What? No. We all know that you
can toggle breezily through gentlemen.
I meant Sid.
I'm fine, too! Jesse and I are fighting,
but we'll get through it.
We're like boyzzz.
That's "boys" with three Z's.
If it was two Z's, I'd be worried.
Uh, Soph?
Why is my mom texting you?
Oh, because we're visiting
your parents tomorrow
before Jesse's show.
What? How do I not know this?
'Cause you're not on the group chat.
It's called "Text Appeal."
Your dad made it up.
He could legit do stand-up!
I was crazy about Val's parents.
They were sweet, funny,
madly in love, and hot.
Oh, really, really hot.
They went from
King and Queen of Massapequa High
to King and Queen
of Long Island Real Estate.
But it wasn't so easy
being their daughter.
They found love quickly,
and they wanted Val to do the same.
So they tried to find it for her.
Over
and over
and over.
No setups this time, they promised.
But we should get home
because I wanna exfoliate
before I see your parents tomorrow.
One time, they were like,
"Sophie, you're glowing."
And I want that to happen again.
Yeah, we should get going, too.
Stay strong, Sid.
Mwah! You'll get through this.
I'll never turn down a head kiss,
but I am fine.
Enjoy the concert.
Okay! Alone.
No big deal.
Is it weird that I'm talking to myself?
Boom!
Now, I'm being normal.
Yeah, I'm being
normal as hell right now.
Are you?
Nah, j-just messing with you, bro.
This is so cool!
I've never been in a green room before.
Where do you think they came up
with the term "green room"?
I mean, I don't see anything Hey!
You're in a conversation. Act like it.
Sorry.
I have devised a brilliant plan
to reunite Sid and Jesse
and save their friendship.
The last time you devised
a brilliant plan, you killed our fish.
- Herman died for science!
- You tickling him is not science!
We know that now!
Ch Charlie. It's worth asking.
Are you a little less smart
than you think you are?
It's okay! I'm dumber than I think, too!
Hey! Hey, hey! You made it.
How cool is this?
Um, so cool.
Oh, hey, you see this giant wine glass
full of Sun Chips?
Those are for me. I requested them.
Not the wine glass.
That was all Larry, our catering guy.
He, uh, is all about whimsy.
Loves an unconventional vessel.
Oh, you're right. Look at that fedora
full of chicken fingers.
- Exactly.
- Hi.
- Hey!
- Hi.
One more post for social media. Sorry.
Promise, this is the
last one of the day.
No.
I'm sorry. I promise this is
one of the last ones of the day?
No.
Sorry.
Be right back. Don't judge.
Judge what?
Candid kiss, take one.
- Oh, my God! Get that thing outta here!
- Whoa!
Whoa! Just let us be us.
Artists and songwriters.
- Got it.
- Thanks, babe.
Yikes.
Wow. Larry!
You whimsical bitch.
No one could sell that house.
But, when the Polinskys heard us
talking about a mystery bidder,
they gave us 20 over asking.
Oh! Who's the mystery bidder?
There wasn't one.
They lied, because they're liars.
You call it a lie.
I call it a truth zhuzh.
I'd like to zhuzh you right now.
- Stop it.
- Oh, you guys are so bad!
It's true. We're bad.
Th-that's true about us.
Who's that?
You're setting me up! I hate you!
- We're not setting you up.
- We're setting Sophie up.
- What?!
- Wha
- Wait till Oscar sees you.
- You are glowing.
Oh, my God.
I didn't even, like, do anything.
Rank your top 10
worst meals you've ever had.
Sid, I have to assist
a surgery this afternoon,
and if I don't get a little more sleep,
I might Dr. Death someone.
Yeah, that sounds so stressful.
What are some of the mistakes
you might make?
Just give me a quick top five.
Oh, my God,
you can be alone for one day, alright?
I believe in you. I love you. Mwah!
Okay. One day alone.
Or maybe tons
now that Jesse's famous and hates you.
Relax. You are fine.
You don't need Jesse.
Jesse?!
- Cookies.
- That's what I think they are, too.
"I'm sorry for everything,
please come to my show, J."
Did the guy who ordered this
sound British?
Yeah. Upper crust, for sure.
Huh?
I'm on season four of The Crown.
Right.
You see, my friend is upset
that I'm in a little fight
with my other friend,
but it's gonna be okay.
He just needs some time.
- Okay
- The point is, like,
- I'm not lonely.
- Okay.
So you own an escrow company?
I love escrow.
I'll give you $1 million
if you could tell me what it is.
Escrow is
Siri, what's escrow?
- Hey, I can hear you!
- No, you can't!
So, what made you wanna
set Oscar up with Sophie?
Oh, he's just really, really special,
and we didn't want him to go to waste.
And setting him up with me
would have been a waste?
You told us that you didn't
want us setting you up anymore.
What, so we're listening to me now?
We've accepted that you're
not the relationship type.
I mean, you're 30, and you've
only had one serious boyfriend.
If that.
Wait, what?
We have questions about this "Charlie."
An "aristocrat" who
"left his life in London" for you?
Oh, my God!
Do you guys not think he's real?
Course we think he's "real."
I showed you a picture of him.
You showed us a picture of a person.
Oscar
Oye.
¿Quieres ver mi cuarto?
I'm sorry, Val. Do you care to repeat
that sexy-sounding phrase
just a little more slowly?
Siri, translate this.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So, we've commissioned some new visuals
for when you perform Jay Street.
Okay.
I should have ♪
gotten off the train at Jay Street ♪
'Cause I wanna be ♪
W-where did you get this stuff?
From me. Look how cute we are.
I can hear your heartbeat ♪
Then I realize ♪
I'm just missing Jay Street ♪
Wow! A-a-and that's in there, too, huh?
Good to go?
- Actually
- Oh, we love it
Oh, I'm sorry, Jesse,
did you have a quick thought?
No. Uh, no. Forget it.
Thanks.
- This is bad.
- Indeed.
But on the bright side,
my plan has entered phase three.
I need some hat chicken.
And hip, hip, hip,
hip pow.
Well, Val, very cool of you to show us
that new dance move
you just came up with.
Can we talk for a second?
What are you doing?
We don't hit on each other's dates!
It's in the Ride or Die handbook.
First off, there's no actual handbook.
Uh, there will be as soon as
I get a ride to Kinkos.
And this doesn't count.
He's only your date
because of my insane parents.
Your parents aren't insane!
They're amazing!
You are lucky to have parents
that even care about who you date.
The closest my mom ever came
to setting me up
was when she taped her weed to my thigh
on the way to LaGuardia.
If you love them so much, why
don't you just ask them to adopt you?
I have looked into it, and I'm too old.
Look, I'm sorry, but I have
to prove to my parents
that I'm good enough for Oscar.
So you're gonna steal the first guy
that I felt a spark with since Jesse?
Yeah. That's what I'm gonna do.
So, that Jay Street video
I could have sworn I saw
the most painful moment
in your life in there.
Are we loving that?
No, we're not.
Did you tell Meredith?
I-I-I can't.
She's got enough on her plate,
and I don't wanna bother her
with my stuff.
A-and by stuff, you mean your feelings?
Yes.
Hey, remember that band
we had when we were little?
Sunny D and the Crazy Straw?
Yeah. How could I forget?
Nobody harmonized like you did.
I know.
Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪
- Hoo. Still got it. Mm-hmm.
- Still got it.
You know what my
favorite song you wrote was?
Jesse's A Boy's Name, Too?
Mega Amazing Lady.
I don't remember that one.
You wrote it when you had
that crazy crush
on Molly Marcus. Uh
You make my life a silly dance ♪
You make me fine with wearing pants ♪
I'll marry you in Paris, France ♪
A mega amazing lady ♪
- That song was about Mom.
- Ew!
- Yeah.
- Not Molly Marcus?
No, that was just
a straight-up love song
about marrying our mother in Paris.
- Why Paris?
- She loves Paris.
- Okay, pushing past that.
- Yes.
You deserve someone
who makes your life a silly dance.
And maybe Meredith's that person,
or maybe she's not.
But, the only way to know for sure
is to tell her how you feel
and see what she does.
Yeah, you're right.
So, I hear you're the man
who can get me a house.
Oh. Are you looking to buy?
No, I'm broke. I'm looking to squat.
I'm good at it. Wanna see?
Oh, sorry. We, uh,
just sold a three-plus-two
in Great Neck, so we're making out.
Oh, yeah, I get it.
I don't know what a three-plus-two is,
but I'd make out with either one of you.
- We know.
- You made that clear.
Wait. Why aren't you with Oscar?
Because of little miss
"Hips, Hips, Hips, Pow"!
She doesn't even like him.
She just doesn't like that he likes me.
You know what?
This is not Val's decision.
This is Sophie's choice.
- I don't think she knows the reference.
- No.
You can't just take
whatever you want from me!
You know, I can't believe I ever
thought that you were my "ride or die."
"I can't believe I ever
thought that you were my ride or die!"
That's it. You know, I'm done.
If this is the kind of friend that
you are, then get outta my life!
Bitch, you don't have a life.
How can I get out of it?
- Girls, please
- That's it.
You know what? You have two weeks
to get out of my apartment.
Screw ride or die. I choose die!
- Okay! Okay! Everyone, stop! Stop!
- Stop.
Alright.
This is all our fault.
W-we set Oscar up with Sophie
because we knew you would get
jealous and want him for yourself.
But we never meant
to destroy your friendship.
Don't worry.
You didn't. We were acting.
And our performances were
I-I thought we were gonna say
"Oscar-worthy" at the same time.
I know, but you tagged me
pretty good here.
Oh, my God, Sophie!
- I'm so sorry!
- Hold on. What's happening?
Yeah, what is happening?
I told you about our talk
in Val's bedroom,
but I didn't tell you about all of it.
I'm playing with structure here.
Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.
I don't know what I'm saying.
I would never choose a guy over you.
God, my parents just know
how to get under my skin, and
Oh, my God!
They're doing me
like they did the Polinskys!
They knew I wouldn't go for Oscar,
so they created a competitive situation!
Those beautiful bastards.
So, you faked a fight to get back at us?
Hell yeah, we did.
You can't just mess with us that way.
Uh
Oh, Oscar, I am so sorry.
You must be so confused.
Not really.
And then I'll say,
"Screw ride or die! I choose die!"
A-and then,
you should punch her in the stomach.
- Yes!
- Yeah.
- But not really, though, right?
- We'll figure it out.
Et tu, Oscar?
After all the escrows we've given you.
I'm sorry, guys.
Congrats on Great Neck, by the way.
That was fun.
Weird, but fun. I'll call you?
Awesome. You mean text me, right?
Yeah. I'm not one of those.
Oh! Thank God.
- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.
Hey! It's me, Jesse.
From the relationship!
Oh, Jesse! I've heard of you. What's up?
Uh, it-it's about that video.
Um, is there any way that we could maybe
not play it during the show?
It's just there's real stuff in there.
Stuff that was
hard for me to live through.
I know, it's real. That's what
makes it resonate with my fans.
Okay, uh, I know, b-but look, um
Hey.
I've put up with the weird interviews
and the posed kisses,
a-and I put up with Trina dropping hints
that I'm "too tall," which, I mean,
what am I supposed to do, get surgery?
And who's gonna pay for that?
You know what? That's not the point.
If you wanna keep the rest, that's fine.
Just not the proposal.
I-I-I don't want the most
painful moment of my life
to be publicized. Again.
Jesse
Jay Street is my biggest song.
Right.
And the proposal is what makes it work.
It's gotta stay. You'll get used to it.
Just like I got used to
these magnetic eyelashes.
They gave you temporary blindness.
Exactly.
Temporary.
I feel terrible. We should never
have used you like that, Sophie.
Oh, thanks.
But, I'm not the one
you should be apologizing to.
Oh, you're right.
I'm sorry I led you down
that path, my love.
No! I meant Val!
Apologize to Val!
We were just trying to help her.
I mean, she's so lonely,
she's making up boyfriends.
They think I made up "Charlie."
Now I'm doing it.
What? Guys!
Listen, we all want to meet
the love of our life at 16,
but the world is just not
that simple anymore.
She's right. Life is hard.
Which is why we hate that
you have to do it on your own.
I mean, your mother and I have
had each other our entire lives.
We've shared the same outgoing message
since the '80s.
Guys!
Look, don't get me wrong.
What you two have is awesome.
And maybe one day, I'll find that, too.
Maybe I already found it,
and I have to find my way back to it.
But, either way, for now, I'm good.
- Okay. Mm.
- She's so strong.
Look, if it makes you two dorks
feel better, I'm not alone.
Oh, yeah? She hooks up all the time.
The other day,
she took down a literal giant.
Oh. Oh, you mean me?
Aw!
Like a-a New York Giant
or an actual giant?
Whatever helps you sleep, my love.
- Have you seen Jesse?
- Uh, no,
but I imagine he's probably backstage
reuniting with Sid.
Charles, God knows I love you,
but I don't think your
little plan's gonna do it.
Hm. You think me such a fool.
Sweet, naive Eleanor.
Not Eleanor. Just Ellen.
- Is it really? How drab.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, so first,
I sent Sid cookies from Jesse.
And what, my dear girl,
does one tend to consume with cookies?
- Milk?
- Precisely.
But the target struggles
to digest dairy products.
So he heads straight to
the bathroom for his Lactaid pills.
The only problem?
I took them to lead him on
to the next phase of my trap.
I also took his vape pen.
Was not part of the plan.
It's just a nasty habit.
Sid's desire for more Lactaid
leads him to the bodega downstairs.
While in line,
he sees a vibrant male friendship
played by Trevor and Amit, my
friends from abs class who agreed
to perform solely for the attention.
Their depiction of male revelry
will make Sid ache for his Jesse,
and send him straight
here to Massapequa.
You're sharper than I thought!
Indeed, my dear Eleanor. Sorry.
Just Ellen. Yeah, again, sharp.
And look who's here right on time
Oh, it's you two.
Hello, Long Island!
- Jesse looks great!
- Yeah!
Wait. Is that Jesse?
Guys,
I'm gonna need all your love tonight.
My man walked out on me.
Woo!
Sid?
2020s Bro-speak is a lost dialect.
So, I will translate
the following conversation for you.
Bro.
Man.
Ah, dude
Well, well, well.
Look who's reunited.
You are welcome.
For what?
For restoring your friendship.
A cookie basket, a Lactaid thief,
two bros in a bodega.
I led Sid here every step of the way.
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
I did have a cookie
'cause I was bummed out.
I tasted walnuts,
but I'm allergic to walnuts.
So I went looking for my EpiPen,
but it wasn't there.
And as I lay there,
hoping the EMTs would arrive
before I die of anaphylactic shock,
I realized how dumb
it would have been to die
without ever seeing
my best friend on tour.
Did, um
Did the EMTs
D-did I die this afternoon?
Is that your question?
No, dude, I did not!
EMTs arrived in time,
and as soon as my throat opened up,
I-I got in a car, and I came right here.
Still don't know what happened
to my EpiPen, though.
I thought it was a vape.
There we go.
- I'm a monster.
- No! No, you're not. You're
You're just bad at identifying objects.
I should call Trevor and Amit
and tell them to stand down.
It's been hours. I'm sure they left.
Did the guy come?
No idea, bro. Hey.
- How am I looking?
- Good. Me?
Good, bro. Nice and tight.
Friendship's awesome.
Hell yeah, it is.