How Not to Live Your Life (2008) s02e05 Episode Script

I hate having my hair cut.
No matter how much you emphasise "not too short", they always cut it too short.
And even if they're ruining my hair, I never have the courage to say something.
I said, "Not too short!" You stupid idiot! You're raping my hair! How's that for you, then? Yeah, it's great.
Thanks.
I mean, would I just say, "Great, thanks" to anything she did? { things Don would say How's that for you? It's great.
Thanks.
Great.
Thanks.
It's great.
Thanks.
Great.
Thanks.
It's great.
Thanks.
- What's that? - A shit.
Great, thanks! Dickheads Team Episode 205 Don gets healthy Living with Sam has had its ups and downs.
However, one of the ups is having someone to chat to over breakfast.
You might not think it, but that was a perfectly formed conversation.
Let me translate.
Only just got out of bed? Yes, I have, so what of it? Pathetic.
I can get out of bed whenever I want, thank you very much.
God, you think you're so perfect, don't you? Just because you look really hot in your gym gear.
What? Nothing.
See? Regular morning chit-chat.
- Can I help you with something? - Jesus! Where did you spring out from? The pantry.
Searching high and low for Babybels.
He likes them with his breakfast.
Do you want one? No, thank you.
I've made up my own special health drink.
Are you sure you're meant to drink that? It's good for you.
There's a saying, Don, you may have even heard it: "Healthy body, healthy mind".
I prefer the other saying: "Never drink anything that looks like poo".
- Not sure that's a saying.
- It'll catch on.
Mark my words.
No, I'll just stick to what normal people drink in the mornings.
Fetch me a Dr Pepper, will you? And your favourite: one full English.
Sexy pants.
- Problem? - There will be if you keep eating that every day.
This is what city-folk eat, sweetheart.
If I wanted berries and greens, I'd live in the woods.
Are you not at university today? Not until this afternoon, no.
I wonder if there are gay ants? Would they be camp? So many unanswered ant theories.
As much as I would love to stand here and listen to you talk about the sexual orientation of Hymenoptera I was talking about gay ants, wasn't I? I'm gonna go to the gym.
Ever been to the gym? Don at a gym? What a wacky notion.
I get the feeling you think I'm some kind of layabout who just does nothing all day.
No, I've never thought that about you, Don.
Not even when you just lay about and do nothing all day.
What makes you both think I'm so unfit? { reasons they might think Out the way! All right! Oh, my God! I'm knackered.
Breathe.
You guys have got me all wrong.
I love exercise.
I frickin' love it.
I can see one of your balls.
Why don't you come with me, then? Yeah, I mean, that sounds awesome, really fun.
But, you know, I've got stuff to do, need to sort out some shit.
Some shit? If you can't handle a bit of exercise then, that's fine.
Just say so.
Don, I think it would be a great idea.
Imagine what Abby would think if she came back to a hunk.
It's a gym, guys.
They don't do plastic surgery.
All right.
I'll come, I'm coming.
I'll come.
I'll show you what's fit.
Cool.
Come on, then! I'll meet you outside.
Thanks a bunch, Eddie.
- I hate the gym! - But you just said you loved exercise.
I lied! I couldn't bear her smugness.
"Look at me.
I'm so healthy, and brainy "and semi-attractive".
I'm telling you, I think I'm actually allergic to the gym.
I went once and I broke out in sweats, my muscles were aching, my face went all red.
- I think that's normal.
- Really? Oh, God.
What have I got myself into? What is it about the gym that's so annoying? Not just the exercise bit, but the music, the people, the clothes you have to wear.
Right, what first? Exercise.
Fun.
Can't wait! What are you wearing? What? Look, this was the best I could rustle up at such short notice.
Believe me, I went through all the options.
Nice! Come on.
Stop messing around.
Go all the way.
- I'm trying.
- Stop it.
Come on.
Take it seriously.
I am.
- This is as far as I can go.
- Are you made of wood? Oh, my God.
You're so stiff.
- What? - No.
Your legs, Don.
- You can't even touch your shins.
- Yes, I can, look.
See, that's why our knees bend.
Anyway, it's not natural for people to be able to reach all the There.
Easy.
You ever thought of joining the circus? Bloody freak.
Do we have to run? Can't we do sitting down exercises? You know, like rowing, or weights, or sitting? - I thought you loved exercising? - I do.
I love it.
- There's some pretty fit people here.
- Yeah, obviously, Don.
It's a gym.
No.
I mean fit, as in I'd like to have sexy intercourse with them.
Come on.
I'm miles ahead of you.
All right.
I suppose one little quick run to break me in.
Can't hear you.
I'm halfway down the street.
See you at the corner shop.
Exercise! Jesus Christ.
- You look awful, are you OK? - I'm fine.
- Sure? - Yeah.
- Everything all right? - Oh, God.
Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! See? I told Eddie I was allergic to the gym.
I was actually sick.
And now this, getting changed in a public place, I hate it.
Look.
That's not right.
A stranger's batty four inches from my face.
And another one.
Did I miss the meeting where we agreed we're cool with this? {
thing you shouldn't say Do you mind if I just? You must be really chuffed with that? It's massive! - It's in there somewhere.
- Are you sure? I can't see anything.
- How did it go? - Yeah, it was a great little work out.
Little being the operative word.
First rule of gym: don't overdo it.
First rule of gym: do some exercise.
- Drinklettes? - Yes.
You all right, Mrs Treacher? My husband's dead, remember? I know.
You've told us.
Many, many times.
How exactly did he pass on? We were on holiday in Ibiza.
My Bill wanted to know what all the fuss was about.
- Why all the youngsters go there.
- Can you believe that? He decided it was his last chance to live it up a little.
He was 86 and wanted to have it large in San Antonio.
We did pills, MDMA, speed, Ketamine, - we went to all those foam parties.
- You didn't mind all the loud music? No, Bill just switched his hearing aid off and got spangled.
It's mad, innit? Like Cocoon 3, the Balearic years.
Right I'm all right.
So, did her husband OD on drugs? They hired mopeds one day.
He crashed his into a bin.
Because he was so out of his head? Cos he was 86.
Wakey-wakey, Donald.
Stop touching my balls, Louis Walsh! What? - What's going on? - It's Thursday, and we are going to the gym.
What? Look, it's dark outside.
It means it's still Wednesday.
It's 7am, Thursday morning.
It's 7am, Wednesday night.
Go back to bed.
You're so rubbish.
I did some exercise last night, OK, while you were out.
Yes, but you don't just want your right arm to be muscly, do you? Very funny.
Actually, I use both hands.
That way I imagine I'm in a threesome.
Fine, if you are giving in then that's absolutely fine.
I'm not giving in.
All right, I'm coming.
Good! OK, five minutes.
Look at these people, they're all mental.
I mean, they get out of bed much earlier than they need to, just to come here and get knackered.
Weirdos.
Don, you remember Grant, right? He's the guy you threw up on? - Sorry about that.
- It's fine.
When you're that unfit it can be tough.
Anyway, good to meet you.
Grant Bibbib.
- Don.
Beep-beep.
- What? I dunno? You started it.
That's my name.
Grant Bibbib.
B-I-B-B-I-B.
- And how are you getting on? - Yeah, I'm OK, thank you.
I can see.
And how are you? I don't quite know why I made that noise.
It just came out.
Don's not really a gym person.
Are you, Don? She's insane in the mind.
I love the gym.
Of course you do.
So, Miss World You wanna spot me on the bench press? Yeah.
Sure.
Yeah, I'd love to push some weights with ya.
You sure about that? Haven't lifted iron since I was a boy.
- That was fun.
- Was it? Let's double the weight.
That's a lot more.
I'll be fine as you long you both spot me.
- You'll spot me, Don? - Sure thing, Grant Bibbib.
Right, ready.
Guys! Grant Bibbib, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's fine.
I shouldn't have given someone as weak that kind of responsibility.
It was an accident.
I didn't feel bad.
Something about Grant annoyed me.
The way he talked down to me like I don't belong in a gym.
Yeah, OK, he's right, I don't belong in a gym.
It can't be that bad.
I just lifted a ton of weights.
You lifted two and half pounds, Donald.
- Your Beano comics are heavier.
- Excuse me.
I don't read Beano comics.
Sorry.
Dandy comics.
That's better.
If you don't want to come to the gym with me any more, I'll understand.
- It's all right, I'm loving it.
- You don't actually need to bulk up.
You like what you see, do ya? No.
You have a teenager's body.
I like real men.
But you do need to be more healthy.
You need to start thinking about what you're putting in your body.
You had a sausage and egg sandwich at midnight last night.
That's not so bad? You put a Curly Wurly in it, and then you deep fried it.
And then you washed it down with a litre of cider.
Cider's got apples in it.
Healthy, yeah? How do you like them apples? You need to detox.
- You should go for a colonic.
- Say what now? Colonic irrigation.
They're really good for you, and you'd lose weight.
They stick a tube up your batty sleeve and suck out all the bum rubbish, right? Yes.
I think that's the technical term.
Colonic? It's a bit embarrassing, isn't it? Apparently you feel amazing afterwards.
- Still wanna go out tonight? - I'm sorry, Grant, I can't, I'm busy.
Yeah, of course.
I can't wait.
Great.
Can I get you a coffee? I've got one, thank you.
So, you and Grant Bibbib, eh? What exactly don't you like about him? He's just so full of himself.
And don't you mind going out with a man with bigger boobs than you? So I decided to go for a colonic.
What the hell! If it means losing a bit of weight and feeling good without doing exercise, then who cares about the tube up the bum bit? I'm Jackie.
I'll be performing your treatment today.
You wanna come through? I couldn't believe it, it was the girl from the gym! Right, yeah.
This was awful.
I was expecting it to be some freaky hippy mamma with large hands, not a sexy lady I'd flirted with.
I'm just going to lubricate the anus.
Cold? Not cold.
Just new.
Very new.
This really wasn't what I was expecting.
I mean, bad enough I'm having a colonic, but even worse that I fancy the woman doing it.
You seem nervous, Don.
I don't normally let a woman see my bum hole until at least the 3rd date.
Is this a date, then? I'm about to put the tip of the tube in.
You might feel some discomfort at first, but don't worry, you'll get used to it.
- Jesus! - There.
See? It's amazing how quickly the sphincter relaxes.
- Yeah, amazing.
- Now you know what gay men go through.
Are these jokes really necessary? Right lie on your back.
And you should feel the water beginning to enter you.
What made you decide to have this done? A friend of mine said it would do me good.
Is that their way of telling you you're full of shit? Enough with the wise cracks, already.
Here it comes.
- Have you eaten a lot of eggs recently? - What, you can tell? Yeah, you're quite bunged up.
Eggs are very binding.
This was really freaking me out.
I was afraid of what she might say next.
Look, a slice of bacon.
Is that a condom full of heroin? A Micro Machine toy.
I've been looking for that for years! - God, there goes your lung! - What? Is that Alphabetti Spaghetti? Sexy pants? - Are we finished? - Nearly.
Listen.
I don't normally do this What, this is your first time? Are you insane? I hadn't finished.
I was wondering if you'd like to go out on a date sometime? I can honestly say that I have never been in this position before.
I mean a woman asking me out.
But yes, I've also never been in this physical position, either.
I've just got to play it cool.
Yeah, sure.
That would be nice.
Great! There we go.
Another postcard from Abby? She's in Auckland.
- New Zealand? - No, Auckland.
Did you go for a drink with Grant Bibbib last night? I might've done, Donald.
She's seeing this guy from the gym, right.
His name's Grant Bibbib.
What a funny name! I know.
I wonder where it comes from? So, did you go for a colonic in the end? I don't want anyone knowing about it.
So you did? Yes.
But I don't want anyone knowing about it.
How was it? - Yeah, it was pretty good actually.
- And do you feel detoxified? Oh, that? Well, that was weird.
Having a tube spray warm water up my bum anus, that was just wrong.
However, batty garbage isn't the only thing she got out of me.
She asked me on a date.
I mean, I'm not surprised.
Chicklets ask me out on dates all the time.
You're going out with your colonic therapist? I don't want anyone knowing about it.
Promise me.
Please, promise me you will not say anything? I promise.
Is she all right? What? Sorry.
- I thought you might be dead.
- Chance would be a fine a thing.
So I went for dinner with Jackie.
Annoyingly, we had to sit on a table right next to another one.
I can't bear eating really close to strangers, especially if I am on a date with a colonic therapist.
I mean, I don't want people overhearing us talk about my anus.
Drinks? I know it's a bit extravagant, but shall we have some champagne? Sounds great.
Can I get a bottle of your cheapest white wine and a bottle of fizzy water? Certainly.
It's a little trick I know.
Saves a lot of money.
So, how are you feeling since the colonic? We don't need to talk shop! - There's no need to be embarrassed.
- I'm not embarrassed That didn't last long, did it? Great.
- You all know each other? - No, we're very good at guessing names.
Sorry.
Hi, I'm Sam.
Hi, nice to meet you.
If you don't mind, we're Fine.
Because we are as well.
Ready to order? Yes, I'll have the pate to start.
That comes with toast, Don.
Bread's not great for the colon.
Especially not the state yours is in.
Just forget the starter.
I'll have a steak, thanks.
Red meat? There's a lot of that piled up inside your bowels.
Just get me a salad! No dressing, though.
In fact, just dry leaves.
Thanks.
- Madam? - I'll have the pate to start followed by the steak.
Think I'll treat myself tonight.
Great.
So, how do you all know each other? I'm Don's flatmate.
I only met these two recently.
My name's Grant.
- Hi, I'm Jackie.
- What do you do Jackie? - I'm a - Therapist.
- Really? - Not really, no.
- I'm a - Woman.
- Very good.
Yes, actually, I'm a - Pisces.
What? You're a Pisces.
I'm assuming.
Actually, I'm a Taurus.
Why are you acting so bizarrely? I'm not, am I? Are you embarrassed by me? - I'm proud of you.
- Proud? You should be proud too, because of where you came from and all that.
Great! Thanks a bunch.
You couldn't just keep a secret.
Yes, Grant Bibbib.
I let her put a tube up my sphincter.
So what? I'm metrosexual.
I wanna try new things.
You wouldn't go on a date with her just because she's a colonic infiltrator.
That's not my job title.
You are pathetic, Bibbib.
Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to eat my leaves with my bum, bird, date! Forget them.
They're imbeciles.
That's the single most humiliating thing anyone's ever done to me.
Where are you going, Jackie? - See what you've done? - I never said anything.
- I saw you.
Your whispers and jokes.
- We were having a private conversation.
If you haven't noticed, your table is very close to ours.
What so, you didn't tell him that she gave me a colonic? You had a colonic? You let someone put something up your bum? That's disgusting.
Are you some kind of nancy boy? - Did you know he's queer? - Right, that's it.
Get lost.
What? What did I do? You just became incredibly repellent.
- I only called him a nancy boy.
- Get out.
- Come off it.
- I'm being serious.
Go.
Now.
This Grant is reversing.
So what did you do that for? Because he was being crass and homophobic.
And you were right, he does have bigger boobs than me.
Well, looks like it's just you and me again.
We could invite an old friend? - Who? - Samuel Bucca? Can we get four shots of Sambuca, please? Hang on.
Aren't we supposed to be gym-ing tomorrow? Let's face it, Don, you are never going back to the gym, are you? Here.
- Champagne, madam? - I don't mind if I do.
Nice.