Human Resources (2022) s02e05 Episode Script

1
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
- That's just the way you make me feel ♪
- That's just the way you make me feel ♪
A-ha
So good, so good, so fuckin' real ♪
- So good, so good, so fuckin' real ♪
- A-ha ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
It's like I'm powerful
With a little bit of tender ♪
An emotional, sexual bender ♪
Mess me up, yeah
But no one does it better ♪
There's nothing better ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
[sighs] "The second I saw you,
it's like you just"
punched a hole in my chest
and grabbed my heart with your fist.
Every word, every glance from you
squeezed my heart
and pumped blood through my veins
and gave me life.
I mean, sometimes, it actually hurts
to look at you because I just get all sad
about the moments I was alive
before we met.
Was there a time before we met?
Fuck that! [groans]
That asshole piece of shit,
making me fall in love with him
and his stupid fuckin' extra dicks.
Rochelle, um
I, uh I need to talk to you.
I don't wanna talk, but I've got some hate
I wanna fuck out. Let's go.
Oh, uh [chuckles] Actually,
that's what I came to talk to you about.
I can't keep doing hate-sex.
- What?
- I need something more.
Oh, shit, you're finally gonna let me
peg your ass?
No, not that.
I want us to have a real relationship.
Jesus, Pete, I already told you.
Hate Worms don't fuck with
that lovey-dovey bullshit.
But, Rochelle [sighs softly]
you are the most amazing creature
I've ever met.
- You're smart and talented
- Pete
And so funny,
even when it's at my expense.
- What are you trying to say exactly?
- I guess I'm trying to say that I
[sighs]
- I love you, Rochelle.
- What?
Yeah. [chuckles] I love you.
- I. Love. You.
- Oh.
I've been wanting to say it
for a long time,
and I gotta tell you,
it feels really good on my lips.
Pete, look at me.
I'm not in a very loving place right now.
But you know
you're not a Hate Worm, not really.
You're a Lovebug. You're great at love.
It's what you were made for.
So do love, please.
Oh, Pete, I don't know.
Typical. A man telling you who you are.
Oh, no, no, no. I I wasn't
I am not speaking to you, Rock.
General Malice, what
What are you doing here?
I am here for you, Rochelle Hillhurst.
- Oh, um Okay?
- Conference room.
All right, I guess we'll, uh, just, uh,
finish our conversation later then? Heh.
I'll just leave my naked heart
on your desk.
What the hell's General Malice doing here?
- I don't know. She came for Rochelle.
- [gasps]
That maniac's the head
of the Hate Division.
She's the reason monkeys
started throwing shit at each other.
[General Malice] Brr.
It's freezing in here, no?
We are cold-blooded, you and I.
Uh, what can I do for you, General Malice?
Oh, getting right to the point.
- No foreplay.
- [chuckles] Right.
I've been watching you,
Rochelle Hillhurst.
- You remind me of myself.
- Really?
Yes. I used to be
one of these cockroaches of love.
- You were a Lovebug?
- Ugh, yes.
I was at the mercy
of "feelings" and "kissing."
Love almost broke me.
I was crying in the daytime,
saying, "Oh, poor me, bo-bo-bo."
And then I said, "No!
I will never be heartbroken again."
- And now I do the heartbreaking.
- I like the sound of that.
Hate is simple. Hate is power.
Hate Come si dice? Gets the shit done.
So, what do you want from me?
Come to the Hate Department,
work by my side,
and you will never be hurt again.
You mean, like, full-time?
You have a powerful hate inside you,
Rochelle.
Think about who you are
and who you want to be.
And then you let me know, okay?
Damn. What am I gonna do?
Am I a Lovebug or a Hate Worm?
Who am I? ♪
Who am I? ♪
When you're love ♪
You are the light and the laughter ♪
Bringing joy and wonder to the world ♪
Every heart desires your flame ♪
Every song extols your name ♪
They all cry for you
They would die for you ♪
You're a savior and a star ♪
Yes, girl, love is what you are ♪
Aw, that's some bullshit, baby ♪
You know you got the hate
Down in your soul ♪
And it's so much fun
To watch 'em turn and run ♪
When you're ragin' outta control ♪
Got no use for weak and vulnerable ♪
That shit will only break your heart ♪
So let's turn your switch
Up to super bitch ♪
And watch the oceans part ♪
Yeah, yeah ♪
I'm a bright and tender light of love ♪
I am hatred, dark and strong ♪
I was born for grace and goodness ♪
No, you've been wicked all along ♪
I can't live my life as both
I've got to choose ♪
And I know what I choose ♪
I choose love ♪
[vocalizing]
Rochelle. Oh my God, look at you.
You're a Lovebug again.
W-What happened in there?
I choose love, Pete.
You were right. This is who I am.
Does that also mean you choose
You, yes. I choose you.
Oh my God. [sobs] Coolest beans.
You're a good Rock,
and you would never hurt me.
Never. I choose love too.
[singing poorly] I choose love ♪
- Eh, don't sing.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
Just kiss me.
I gotta say, I was kinda worried
when you were in there so long.
I thought that lizard lady was gonna
recruit you to hate or something.
Yeah. I wonder what it would have
been like if I'd listened to her.
I choose hate ♪
Rochelle? Uh, w-what happened in there?
General Malice wants me to join
the Hate Division full time, bitch.
What?! No! No! You You can't do that.
- Excuse me?
- You're a Lovebug.
- Don't tell me who I am.
- Oh! No, no, I would never. I was just
Pete, do I look like
a shit-covered little baby?
What? No, of course not.
- Then why are you trying to change me?
- What? No, no, I'm not.
It's just that, you know,
if you're a Hate Worm
[sighs]
I can't do this anymore.
You think I give a shit?
I don't. We're done.
Wha What?
[scoffs] No. You don't mean that.
I do. Now get the fuck outta my way.
Rochelle.
[sobbing] I wish there was a universe
in which you could love me.
[sobs]
Ooh, it looks like there is.
But there's a different Pete
in this timeline.
Ooh, and he seems much happier.
Oh, I'm so happy!
- [sobs]
- [moaning]
[both] Hey, Alice.
Ah, jeez. I hate that I'm still bummed out
about that terrible date.
Forget that loser Shawn.
What you need is a little self-love.
Oh, you're talking about downtown time.
I actually meant a massage,
but that sounds like an afternoon.
Man, fuck Shawn.
Let's see if there's an app that
lets you mail dog shit to someone's house.
If not, let's invent one.
- [video call ringing]
- Ugh!
- It's my landlord's friends.
- Girl, you give out your email too much.
Hi, Alice. Oh my God,
thank you so much for talking to us.
- This is Sal.
- Hey, Sal.
Oh, I like your hat.
That is a cute motherfucker.
His school is trying to move him
and the other disabled kids
into a "separate but equal" class.
- Oh, hell to the no no.
- Fuck that.
- [grunts]
- Sal, no, please. Mommy's talking.
We already called the principal
Did you wish upon a fuckin' star too?
The world is trash. People only respond
to shame and physical violence.
[grunts] And stay down, bitch.
So, will you help us?
You know I hate this ableist bullshit.
It's fuckery of the highest order.
Ladies, let's fuck some shit up.
- Yes, let's do this.
- Thank you.
You hear that, cute motherfucker?
We gon' burn your school to the ground.
- [Sal giggles]
- [laptop chimes]
- Did that kid just grunt and hang up?
- Respect.
What do you mean,
you're out of chicken salad?
- Um, I can check the back.
- I got a better idea.
Why don't you take
a big, fat shit in your hand and eat it?
Connie, I have an important question
that will have no real-world consequences
based on your response,
but do I look fat to you?
- Maury, this feels like a trap.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I just still haven't lost
all the baby weight,
and I feel like a
big garbage truck full of shit.
- Your words, not mine.
- Ooh!
- The special is the Two-Day Burrito.
- Didn't you just say you're feelin' fat?
I know, but listen.
It sounds so delicious.
"This soggy-bottomed monstrosity
is our take on a sleeping bag
stuffed with ground beef,
pork, beans, and bacon."
"So big, it's meant to be eaten
over two days."
Maury, please don't put that in your body.
So, what, you think I should get
something healthy?
Healthy? Who gives a shit.
We all gonna fuckin' die anyway.
Oh, well, she makes an excellent point.
Gimme that death burrito.
Oh, come on, Rochelle. He does not need
30 pounds of meat up in his guts.
Do I look like his goddamn nutritionist?
I don't give a fuck.
God, I miss Lovebug Rochelle.
She would have been much less of a bitch.
Maury, tell me you're not getting
that Two-Day Burrito.
Your body's a temple.
Get yourself something healthy, honey.
Yes, thank you, Rochelle.
I shall take one gar
- Garden salad.
- Aw.
Now, this Rochelle,
she's a goddamn delight.
Ooh, look at you, all Lovebuggy.
- What happened? Did you miss having arms?
- [chuckles]
- Pete happened.
- I, uh, got you a cookie, Rochelle.
- Aw, babe.
- "Babe"?
- Ah!
- What?! You and Pete?
Are you guys, like, together-together now?
We are, and I gotta say, I am so happy.
Me too. I didn't know it was possible
to feel this good.
And I once solved a Rubik's Cube
in a pool.
That's great, um
I just thought you were pretty
into being a Hate Worm.
Like telling people to shit
in their own hands and eat it, and
Yes, Emmy, I was getting very specific
about what people should do
with their shit,
but now I choose love,
and it feels really nice.
[squeals]
I just got an email
for a free Olive Garden coupon.
How is that important in any way?
I don't know,
but it feels important, right?
Now, color me impressed, Maury.
I've seen you stick vegetables
up your booty-hole,
but never in your mouth-hole.
I feel invigorated.
And just imagine how shitty I'd be feeling
if I'd ordered
that needlessly huge two-day burrito.
Ugh, fuck me. This thing is way too huge.
How the hell
am I supposed to finish it all in one day?
You're not supposed to. [groans]
So I said, "No, no, no, no, no,
hold out your left hand,
and take a shit in that."
[laughter]
Oh, Rochelle, you are the queen
of telling people where to shit.
She loves it over there, doesn't she?
Well, I'm glad she loves something,
'cause she really doesn't love me.
- [sobs]
- Oh, woof.
Pete, bad color.
I I mean, I got iced out
by my crush too,
but you don't see me, like,
embarrassing myself.
- Ooh, there's Van now.
- Van!
Van, over here. I saved you a seat.
You don't have to be upset with me anymore
for whatever it is I did wrong.
Please, please, God, just love me!
Oof, you're right, honey.
You're not embarrassing at all.
- Emmy, is it possible we both just suck?
- It is.
- No way. We're delightful.
- I don't know.
You know what we need?
We need to drink so many vodka tonics,
the bartender gets worried about us.
- [sobbing] I don't want to.
- We gotta get drunk.
Okay, but I'm gonna weep the whole time.
- That's fine. That's what bars are for.
- [phone chimes]
[squeals]
I just got an email
for a free Olive Garden coupon.
How is that important in any way?
I don't know, but it must be, right?
'Cause I said it twice?
Disability rights
[all] are human rights!
Disability rights
[all] are human rights!
This school is trying to hide
its disabled students in the basement.
And that stuff you serve on Fridays
is not pizza.
It's hot ketchup on cardboard.
Ho-ho! Those fuckers on the school board
are gonna cave, I can feel it.
- Yeah, yeah ♪
- I can feel it, too!
This bitch?
What the fuck are you doing here?
My girl Alice
got all these people to show up?
How could Hope not be here?
Titty bomb!
- [Hope laughs]
- No. Don't try to take credit for this.
This protest was brought to you
by the letter hate.
Yeah, I can see that.
What happened to you, Rochelle?
I fell for your bullshit,
and I'm not gonna let it happen again.
Alice doesn't need you, so fuck off.
Girl, you know that ain't up to you.
- Alice, this is Dev. He's my brother.
- And our lawyer.
- And a goddamn smokeshow!
- He's got some good news.
So, the school board's agreed
to take the appeal under review.
Okay, that's the first step.
And it is all thanks to you, Alice.
That's right.
Alice and her maniac bulldog bark. [barks]
All y'all know where that maniac
bulldog bark came from, right?
Alice's hope
that she can change the world.
I love it! And that deserves a Titty Bomb!
- Enough!
- [fart shattering]
Oh, I hate to break it to you,
but that feels better comin' out that end.
[groans]
I'm looking forward
to our romantic sushi date tonight.
Mmm, me too.
I'll make sure to set the thermostat
to a comfortable 74.
Uh, no, 72. Raw fish.
- [both laugh]
- You're such a dork, Pete. I love it.
[chuckles] Well, I love you, Rochelle.
I love you too, Pete.
Oh my God. You do?
- I do. I really do.
- Wow
[chuckles]
Uh How How come you're not glowing?
Oh, I'm saving it for tonight,
so it's special.
Oh man, I love special things. [chuckles]
I'll see you at 6:45 on the dot. [kisses]
- Love you.
- Love you!
- "Love you"? Okay.
- Shut up, Emmy.
I'm just saying,
I've seen you glow for tacos.
- It's a different kinda love.
- You glow for Jake from State Farm.
Well, yeah. He's so helpful.
What's your point, Emmy?
Nothing. Just that Pete's
a sensitive Rock.
- And I don't wanna see him get hurt.
- He's not gonna get hurt.
He's gonna get glowed on tonight by my ass
because I love him.
- Weird tone, but that's great, Rochelle.
- Thank you. It is great.
Out soon in theaters,
Rochelle's Glow for Pete.
Rated R for "real." Okay, I'm gonna go.
Holy shit. New meat? [purrs]
Connie, it's me, Maury, from Big Mouth.
I I'm healthy now.
Oh, even better.
Old meat, new sexy package.
What the fuck happened?
One garden salad
has changed my entire personality.
That makes perfect sense.
I'd like to get into your pants, please.
Oh, I would love that, but unfortunately,
it has to wait until after my run.
You're going for a run?
But we're supposed to have
drugs-and-date night.
Oh, sweetheart,
I'm never doing drugs again.
Rochelle was right. My body is a temple.
Goddamn it, Rochelle.
I don't even remember
the slovenly old pig-monster I once was.
[groans, blows raspberry]
I knew I could eat this whole burrito
in one day.
Maury, it's supposed to be
drugs-and-date night.
How we gonna drop acid if you're still
making mouth-love to that burrito?
[gags] I couldn't possibly eat
even that tiny tab of acid.
[retches] Uh-oh.
Maury, your burrito's
playing peekaboo with me.
- [groaning]
- [gurgling]
That's not good.
Ooh, everybody out of the way!
I've got a tushy emergency!
Oh, Emmy, I gotta say, you were right.
Alcohol really dulls
the experience of living.
Told ya!
Couple drinks, you're still sad,
but couple more, you get happy,
and if you keep going after that,
you feel absolutely nothing.
- Can't wait.
- [Rochelle laughs]
And after I dumped him, he cried.
You ever seen a Rock cry?
No, but once I watched a man
fall off a mountain,
and he was like, "Aargh!"
Oh God, I wanna feel absolutely nothing.
[sobs, gulps]
[chuckles] I feel so alive.
What should we do now?
Sink a big ol' boat?
Mmm, I have a better idea.
Let's go bowling for cars.
Girl, that sounds
like fuckin' mayhem. I'm in.
- [romantic music playing]
- [moaning]
- Yeah.
- Oh yeah.
- Uh-huh. Right there.
- Really?
- You're okay with my one penis?
- Please stop asking that, Pete. [chuckles]
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry, I
- Ow! Shit!
- Ow! Oh, God!
- No, it's okay.
- Yeah, okay. I-I'm sorry.
Just keep going.
I just love you so much.
And I love you, Pete.
- Oh! Oh my God! You're glowing.
- Mm-hmm.
Just like you said you would.
[chuckles] Oh, I love it
when a plan comes to fruition!
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
- [sighs]
- [cellphone chimes]
- Uh, what was that?
- Nothing. Just a queef. [chuckles]
[Siri chimes]
Sorry, I didn't quite get that.
Um, Rochelle, why do your genitals
sound like Siri?
Uh, because your one penis
fucked me so greatly? Oh
Wait, did you have your phone
in your butt?
Uh, what? [chuckles] Of course not.
- Oh, God. You were faking your glow.
- I-I can explain.
- You obviously don't really love me.
- Well, I'm trying!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, you're "trying"?
Well, I'm sorry
I'm making it so difficult.
I just
I meant I'm trying to make this work.
You're sweet and honest and good for me.
"Good for you"? Oh my God,
I sound like a vitamin or something.
- Pete, please, I
- Uh
- I gotta get out of here.
- Don't go!
And honestly,
you need to clean that phone.
Take the case off
and really get in there.
Oh God. Pete, please.
- [sobbing] Goodbye, Rochelle.
- Pete, wait!
[sobbing]
Why did I give a Hate Worm an ultimatum?
Feminists don't give ultimatums.
First of all, yes, we do,
and secondly, you did what you did
'cause you're a good man, man.
Oh, I don't know.
You're kind and thoughtful,
and and anyone would be lucky
to get plowed up the tailpipe
with your big, stone peen.
[sobs] Really?
Yeah, and you've got a big heart.
I mean, you would never hurt anyone.
U-Unless you rolled down a hill
onto someone's campsite or some
crushed 'em, ya know?
I am very heavy. [chuckles]
You are, but I sit next to you every day,
and even though I annoy you so much,
you haven't even killed me once.
I love you, man.
I love you too, Emmy.
You deserve the best.
- To us.
- Yeah.
Fuck those assholes who don't love us.
- Fuck me! I'm having a heart attack.
- What?
Everyone stop drinking
and stare at my problem.
Don't you die on me, Maury!
I refuse to be a single parent.
I will ditch Montel if you croak.
Somebody get me to a doctor.
Pete, you gotta drive my tubby not-hubby
to the hospital.
Um, I really shouldn't drive
because I've had quite a few cocktails.
Oh, Connie, why can't you drive me?
Because, asshole,
I decided to do drugs-and-date night
without you.
I'm tripping balls right now.
My left nut hurts.
Nutsack Pete, he's gonna die.
I'll drive. I'm actually a better driver
when I'm drunk.
- Oh!
- Oh, no.
[tense music playing]
[groans] This is the end.
Struck down in my prime.
I should have listened to you, Connie.
Get that tattooed
on your fuckin' forehead, you idiot.
Come on, Testicle Emmy. Drive faster!
I'm trying, okay?
But it's pissing rain out there.
- [groans]
- [gurgling]
Uh, Maury? I don't think
this is a heart attack.
I think it's something else.
- Oh no.
- Don't even say it.
It's the bubble guts!
Oh God, oh no! Not the bubble guts.
My cousin's husband
died of the bubble guts.
He had children, Maury,
and now those children
don't have a father,
which means the mom
has to do all the work.
Oh, I should have gotten
that garden salad.
Thank God I got that garden salad.
I feel so alive.
Maury, are you done with your run yet?
[pants]
I wanna make love on your hot new bod.
Many thank-yous for taking us
to the Olive Garden, Walter.
Told y'all this coupon would come back.
Olive Garden. We have the meats!
Oh, Rick. That's Arby's.
- [dramatic music playing]
- [sobbing] You're pathetic, Pete.
You thought you had a chance with her
with your one penis? [sobs]
[wailing] Oh, Rochelle, why did I think
you could love me?
Pete, please slow down.
How could clenching a phone
in my ass crack during sex go so wrong?
Pete!
- [tires screeching]
- [laughs]
Bowling for cars is fun as hell.
You come to the Hate Division,
we do this shit every Tuesday.
[tires screeching]
Well, this has been great. I promise
I will give you an answer very soon.
Just don't take too long.
You don't want me as an enemy.
I'm just kidding.
I'm not though. I'm a legit psychopath.
[cackles]
Woohoo! We're going to the Olive Garden
in this timeline as well.
Hello, party bus.
Is that Rochelle? With a bowling ball?
Who cares? My bubble guts
are about to bubble-splode.
You gotta get it out your butt
before it busts open your gut.
- I can't!
- Maury, I'm gonna sit on you.
My tushy on your tummy.
Oh, Connie, I'm scared.
My ass will help you pass that gas.
Okay, Maury, here it comes!
- [Connie grunts]
- [groans]
- It's hot.
- You did it, Maury.
Oh my God, it's thick in my mouth.
[grunts] It's burning my eyes!
- I can't see! I'm blind!
- [tires screeching]
- [Maury] Emmy, the road!
- [screaming]
For the last time, Rick,
"I'm Lovin' It" is McDonald's,
not Olive Garden.
- [horn honking]
- The fuck?
Ain't no one gonna bowl
my car off the road.
[screaming]
Ah, damn. Gutter ball.
[tires screeching]
[all sigh]
Did we almost just die?
Seriously, I still can't see,
and I think I have pink eye.
And you really are a better driver
when you're drunk.
I know. I mean, can you imagine
if we didn't go to the bar and get loaded?
And if I hadn't eaten that burrito?
And if I hadn't dropped the kind of acid
that turned y'all to balls?
Life is full of little miracles.
[farting]
Maury, stop fartin'!
Maury, stop runnin'!
Ever since you ate that salad,
you haven't tossed mine.
I don't have time
to eat butt-salad, Connie.
My physical fitness
is much more fulfilling.
No, no, no! I caught you.
Now you have to fuck me.
Those are leprechaun rules.
Oh, Connie, have you ever felt
the sensual pleasure
of having your heart
pound out your fuckin' lungs?
Oh no, Maury, are you on a
Runner's high!
Yeah, baby!
The endorphins are incredible.
We don't even need sex anymore.
Oh God, no! You're a jogger now?
For the last time, Rick, "I'm Lovin' It"
is McDonald's, not Olive Garden.
And olives, they're salty grapes,
am I right?
Why did I invite you?
[sobs, gasps]
Oh my God, Rochelle.
Do you love me after all?
Stay away from me, Maury!
Keep your fit bits to yourself.
But, Connie, I'd really like you
to sign up for a 10K with me.
[screaming]
- [tires screeching]
- [screaming continues]
Pete! Walter!
Honestly, like, half the cast!
[explosion]
No!
[playing taps]
I can't believe they're all gone.
And I can't believe they didn't invite us
to the Olive Garden.
But then we'd be dead.
You know what, Joe? Just let me
be annoyed at the deceased, okay?
I I did what I thought was right.
I embraced love,
and it didn't even matter.
Everyone I care about is gone.
- You know, we're We're here.
- I don't care about you two!
Oh! Angry little Lovebug alert!
That's the thing.
I'm not a fuckin' Lovebug.
I'm a bold, majestic beast of rage ♪
With a black and fearless heart ♪
I was born for spite and vengeance ♪
Yeah, I've been wicked from the start ♪
It's my life
And I will live it how I choose ♪
And I choose hate ♪
[song ends]
I'm in. Let's do this.
You're making the right choice,
Rochelle Hillhurst.
You and I,
we'll do terrible things together.
[laughs] And probably to each other.
I'm a fucking nightmare.
[both laugh]
Okay, so the Hate Worm timeline
is the real one?
Yep, seems like it.
So, you never really ate a garden salad?
- [scoffs] Fucking of course not.
- Oh, thank God!
You were unbearable. Please stay
a garbage truck full of shit forever.
Oh, sweetheart, I'm never gonna lose
the baby weight.
I think I'll just have
another baby instead.
Uh, not with me, you won't.
But I need your genes. Mine are so ugly.
- Nope. No, thank you.
- But Connie. Come on.
Look who's jogging now, bitch. [laughs]
To love or not to love ♪
That is the question ♪
To believe in what you say ♪
Oh, have I learned my lesson ♪
I've heard these things before ♪
Don't try to fool me with some more ♪
Of things you've done to fool ♪
Everyone, yeah ♪
To love or not to love ♪
That is the question ♪
To believe in what you say ♪
Or quit while I'm ahead ♪