I Love Lucy (1951) s02e05 Episode Script

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) (honking) Ah! (honking) ETHEL: Lucy, are you up in the attic? Yeah.
Come on up, Ethel.
Hi.
Hi.
What are you doing up here? Oh, I'm getting this trunk ready.
Ricky's going on tour, you know.
Really? Yeah, he's taking the band on the road for three weeks.
Oh.
Well, I guess this is big enough for my clothes.
What can I find for Ricky's things now? Well, I guess this will do.
You mean you're going with him? Why, sure.
You don't think he'd go away for three weeks and leave me here all alone, do you? Um, no, I guess not.
Besides, what fun could he have on the road all alone with just the boys in the band? Lucy, when did he ask you to go with him? Lucy, when did he ask you to go with him? Lucy Well, he will! He just hasn't thought of it yet.
Oh, look at all the junk in here.
Oh, here's that fish that Ricky caught in Lake Chautauqua.
He had it mounted.
My, a rainbow sardine.
Oh, Ethel, look at this.
(laughing) Would you believe that five years ago I wore this on 5th Avenue and I was the hit of the Easter parade? Oh, you must have been a doll.
I was- a veritable doll.
Oh, this was my Greta Garbo period.
Oh, no! (laughing) Did you wear one of these? Yeah.
Oh, I had forgotten all about this.
What? My saxophone.
Your saxophone? My saxophone.
I used to play it in the high school band at Celeron, New York.
Oh, no.
Not a girl saxophone player in a band.
Well, I had a reason.
I was dating a football player and the band got to go on trips with the team.
I did it the hard way.
I played left tackle.
Come on, play something for me.
Play something.
(playing "Glow Worm" off-key) I guess I'm a little out of practice.
Well, I knew what it was.
"Glow Worm"? That's right.
Now what do you want to hear? Uh, "Stardust.
" Okay.
(plays "Glow Worm" off-key) Hey Lucy? Hey, Lucy! Hey! That sounds like "Glow Worm.
" I know.
Everything I play sounds like "Glow Worm.
" That's the only piece I ever learned.
Well, how'd you play with the band? Well, I used "Glow Worm" for the audition and then I just marched up and down and puffed my cheeks out and wiggled my fingers.
(no sound) Oh, no.
I'll bet I marched a million miles for that stale football player.
Well, enough of my grimy amors.
I got to get this trunk out of here.
I'll get Fred to haul it down for you.
Oh, will you, honey? Thanks.
Oh, hi, honey.
How's everything? Oh, everything's wrong, honey.
Oh? Yeah, some of the arrangements are missing, one of the guys got the flu and I got to replace him and the tailor won't have my tuxedo ready in time.
Oh, that's too bad.
He won't have it ready till Friday and we got to leave Wednesday.
Would you do me a favor and send it to me? Send it to you? Yes, please.
Well, I wasn't figuring on being here.
Oh? You didn't tell me you were planning to go out of town, too.
You going to visit your mother? No.
I was going to visit my husband.
Oh? Well, I know it's presumptuous of me- I'm only your wife- but I kind of expected to go along, too.
Oh, no, honey, now, now, that's impossible.
Why? Well, that's just out of the question, that's all.
Now, I'll write out the address for you, and you can mail the tuxedo out to me.
I think I will visit my mother- permanently.
Oh, now look, honey, let's not have a scene.
Well, why can't I go along, too? Honey, we're doing one-nighters, one-night stands.
It's a very, very terrible life.
You travel all day long.
You work all night long.
Well, I don't want to stay here all alone.
Look, besides, we're going on a bus.
We need every inch of space for the people in the show.
Maybe I could lie up on top of the luggage.
Honey, just relax, will you? Here's the address.
I got to call some saxophone players.
Saxophone players? Hello.
Hello, is Ralph Brady there? Will you please tell him to call Ricky Ricardo when he comes home? Ricky Ricardo.
R- i-c-k-y c, c- like in "Cuba.
" No, no, no.
Cuba.
C- u-b-a.
B, B- like in "barracuda.
" That's right.
Ricky Ricardo.
Yeah.
Please have him call me, will you? Thank you very much.
(saxophone wailing) (playing "Glow Worm" off-key) Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Lucy, what are you doing with that thing? Well, it's mine.
I used to play in the high school band at Celeron, New York, and you don't have to look any further for a saxophone player.
Look, honey, even if you could play you couldn't go on the tour.
You couldn't travel with a bunch of men.
You wouldn't fit in.
You're not one of the boys.
What about your harp player, Nancy? She's not going and neither are you.
(blows sharp note) Ay-yi-yi.
Hello, Ned? Look, Ned, this is Ricky Ricardo.
We're having rehearsals tomorrow at 3:00 in the afternoon at the club.
I'm trying out some saxophone players.
Could you be down? (playing scales off-key) (playing scales off-key) Hey! What? Have you seen Ethel? She went shopping, Fred.
(resumes playing scales) What are you doing with that saxophone? I'm practicing.
I'm going to audition for Ricky's band today, you know.
Oh.
I'm glad I found out it was you making that noise.
I thought there was something wrong with the plumbing.
Oh, Fred, come here a minute.
Fred, you used to be around a lot of musicians when you were in vaudeville, didn't you? Yeah.
Why? Well, the real reason Ricky won't let me go on tour with him is because he doesn't think I'll fit in with the musicians.
What can I do to show him that I'm one of the boys? You know, how can I act like a musician? Well, that's easy.
Stay up late, don't eat right, get circles under your eyes and read nothing but the Racing Form.
No.
Now Fred, I'm serious.
Tell me how to act like one of the fellas.
All right, then, I got to tell you.
Now, first you got to dress like musicians.
Oh? They have their own getups.
Then you have to speak their language.
They don't talk like human beings.
They don't? No.
When one musician meets another musician (playing swing tune) That's good, Ralph.
You got yourself a job.
Will you go in the office and make the deal? Thanks, Rick.
You're welcome.
All right, fellas, let's take 628, huh? Got it? Here we go- one two (playing swing tune) Lucy! Greetings, gates.
Slip me some skin, boy.
Hiya, cats.
How are ya? BAND: Hi! Where do I sit, dad? Lucy, I want to speak to you.
Later, gator.
I got to get up here and get my kicks, man.
RICKY: Lucy, you come on out of there.
MAN: Let her play.
Yeah! Yeah, you ought to hear me.
You never heard me blow! I'm the wildest, man.
I'm wild, boy, I'm wild.
Okay, okay, okay.
What do you want to play? Do you cats know hep little "Glow Worm"? Be-bop, be-bop, be-bop You know that? Never mind that, never mind that.
You got to play what all the other saxophone players play right in front of you there.
Oh, okay, man.
Are you ready? Okay, man.
Marco, give me an A, will you? Hit an A, fellas.
(band hits an A) Hiya, man! Hit an A.
A.
A, A.
Hiya, man.
Okay.
Hit an A, please.
(no sound) (high-pitched note) Oh, boy, was that the craziest A you ever heard? All right, all right.
That was a crazy A, wasn't it, boys? Let's go.
Hit it.
One, two (playing swing tune) (band stops playing) (complete silence) RICKY: Lucy that was supposed to be your solo.
Oh.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
How'd I ever miss that? Yeah, well, it was pretty good up till then, wasn't it? Do I get the job? Well, you know, to tell you the truth, I can't make up my mind.
Oh, well, take your time, man.
Take your time.
RICKY: I think we'd better try it again.
Right, man.
All right, here we go.
A- one a-two (playing swing tune) (band stops) (playing "Glow Worm" off-key) That was pretty cool, huh, man? How ya like those hot licks, dad? Or don't you dig be-bop, be-bop? Look, Lucy, this might come as a big surprise to you after that brilliant audition that you just gave us Yeah, dad.
but, um, you cannot have the job.
Ew When I go on the road, I want you to stay home and be a good little girl.
Yeah, well, I'll stay home.
What do you mean by that? Oh, nothing.
Hi.
Here's Fred's hat and gloves.
Oh, thank you.
What'd you want with them? Meet my secret lover.
What are you talking about? Well, yesterday down at rehearsal, I got a wonderful idea.
You know, I think Ricky would take me on tour with him if I can convince him of one thing.
What? That it isn't safe to leave me at home.
I don't get you.
Well, I'm just going to leave these things lying around, and when Ricky finds them, I'm going to be very flustered and I'm going to be unable to explain to whom they belong.
You mean he'll think you've got a Uh-huh.
(both chortling) Oh, come now, it isn't that funny.
You think you're safe? You'd better be careful.
You know Ricky's temper.
Well, you keep an ear cocked, and if you hear too much commotion, you come up and save me, huh? Okay.
I hope I get here on time.
Okay.
Lucy, I'm home.
Oh! Oh, Ricky, you're, you're home so soon.
I didn't expect you to come so soon.
I thought you'd call like you usually do.
Oh.
I sure wish you'd called.
Gee, don't you look nice.
Where did you go this afternoon? Oh, nowhere.
Nowhere at all.
Well, why are you all dressed up for? No reason, no reason.
Oh.
Uh honey, could I have a piece of the paper? Sure, dear.
Thank you.
Lucy.
Yes, dear? What is this? Oh! Uh, tha uh, your hat.
I don't remember buying a hat like this.
You sure this is my hat? Yes.
Your head must have shrunk.
I suppose these are my gloves too.
Lucy, who was here this afternoon? No one.
No one, really.
Lucy this hat, these gloves Hey, he must still be here.
Where is he? I don't know what you're talking about.
And don't you go in that bedroom.
The bedroom! Aha! (stomping) He was in the closet all the time.
Lucy, who is he?! I don't know what you're talking about.
My goodness! If you're going to act like this, I'll be glad to have you away for three weeks.
Now, Lucy, I'm telling you Hey, what's all the ruckus up here? Fred, I'm glad you're here.
Maybe you can calm him down.
I've had enough.
Well! What's the matter, Rick? Oh, Fred, something awful happened.
Well, now, pull yourself together.
Pull yourself together and tell me all about it.
Well, I don't know how to tell you about it.
I don't know how to start.
I just came home here What's my hat doing up here? There are more important things.
I came home Did you say your hat? Yeah, it's my old derby.
Are you sure? Sure, I'm sure.
Look.
Feels pretty good.
Looks pretty good, too.
I think I'll start wearing it again.
I suppose these are your gloves, too.
Yeah, those are my gloves.
It couldn't be him.
I wonder why Lucy Why, the little devil.
She wants to make me jealous so I'll take her on that tour with me.
You mean she's pretending that these things belong to another man? Yeah, not that I believed her for a minute.
Yeah, I could see that when I came in.
How do you like that? She was pretending that this fellow was in the closet all the Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What's that gleam in your eye? Oh, I'm going to catch that little redheaded mouse in her own trap.
How? I'm going to get a real guy to come over here tonight and I'm going to hide him in that closet and I'm going to say to her, "Someone is hiding in that closet," and then I will demand that she opens the door, and when she does, oh, brother, will she be surprised.
I'm going to call the musicians union.
I'll bet that Julie will dig up someone for me.
That's a pretty dirty trick.
Yeah, I know.
She's got it coming to her, though.
(ringing) Hello.
Hello, Julie.
This is Ricky Ricardo.
Oh, hello, Ricky.
How are you? Fine, thank you.
Listen, Julie, will you do me a favor? I want you to dig up some guy for me- someone that I don't know.
Uh, wait a minute.
Make it three or four guys.
We might as well do it right.
Ricky, I'm sorry you're so upset.
I didn't know it had such an awful effect on you.
Not have an effect on me? When my happy home is turned asoonder? Oh, honey, your happy home is not turned "asoonder.
" Look, Ricky, I thought maybe if I could make you jealous, you'd take me on your trip with you.
There isn't anyone else, honey, I just made that up.
No, don't try to make me feel good.
I heard that guy come out of that closet and go out the front door.
Now, honey, I did that.
Ha! Well, I did.
When you went into the bedroom I went over to the closet door, I opened it, and I slammed it.
Then I went to the front door and I slammed it.
That's impossible.
All right, it's impossible.
It is impossible.
It is a physical impossible.
What do you want me to do, draw you a diagram? Look, when you went into the bedroom, I ran over here, I opened the closet (screams) Aah! What's the matter? Nothing, nothing.
Uh nothing.
Lucy there's somebody in that closet now, isn't there? Oh, no.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard of.
(laughing nervously) Lucy, I want to see who's in that closet.
No.
No! No! Uh No.
Whoever is in that closet better come out! It's no use pretending.
He caught us.
What are you talking about? I never saw this man before in my life.
If you never saw him before in your life, how come he's in the closet? I don't know.
Now, Lucy, I want an answer.
Uh uh Well? He was giving me saxophone lessons? Lucy, why don't you tell the truth? Yes, Lucy, tell the truth.
Oh, shut up! Look, Ricky, if I'd known there was anybody in there, do you think I'd be fool enough to come over here and (screaming) Uh Well? When he gives me saxophone lessons he turns the music.
We're going to clear out that closet.
There's more? Everybody in that closet come out! (Lucy screaming) Oh, no! I wonder where can she be.
She's been gone for two hours.
It would serve you right if she never came back.
What a dirty trick.
Now, Ethel, it was only a joke.
Some joke.
She must have been terribly upset to be gone this long.
(telephone rings) There she is.
Hello! Hello, Ricky, this is Julie.
Oh.
Hello, Julie.
Gee, I should have called you sooner, but I've been trying all over town and it's just no soap.
What are you talking about, Julie? Well, I'm sorry, but I couldn't find anybody to send over there tonight.
Well, that's all right.
You Esta metido en el closet! Ay ay, dios mio! Lucy! Lucy! Lucy! ANNOUNCER: The man in the closet was played by Charles Victor.
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org "I Love Lucy" is a Desilu production