Idiotsitter (2014) s02e05 Episode Script
Sports
Knights had seconds in command, just like chefs had sous-chefs.
Hi, Billie.
Can I speak with you for a second? - Oh well, I'm just in the middle of a - Yeah.
I'd really love it if you would do it.
- Uh okay.
- I'll take over.
My favorite Kinght is Jordan.
Hi.
Uh Billie, this is coach McLaughlin.
And, of course, you already know Timothy.
- Hi, I'm Timothy.
- I know.
Uh, Billie, you have a student in this class, Matthew Lee.
Yeah, you do, you do.
- He just never really shows up.
- Okay.
He's very busy, he's the captain of the fencing team.
School's only Division One sport.
- Yeah.
- So It's super important that Matthew be allowed to compete.
And if he gets another F then he can't fence in the Regionals, so Oh, no, yeah.
Are you trying to get me to pass this guy? - Well, I, uh don't B Billie.
- Oh, wow.
- Billie, Bi - Somebody's paranoid.
We're just asking that you be invested in his future at this school.
- Okay.
- And also, here's a note.
We do want you to pass him.
- It's on a note, so - We didn't say it.
- The note said it.
- Yeah.
Okay, you know what? I will pass him.
- Oh, great.
- Great, that was easy.
After he earns the grade, okay? I don't care if I have to tutor him everyday I will get him to pass this class.
- Students are not a paycheck, okay? - Actually - Our students are the future.
- Okay.
They are of the future.
And that's why Wahlburgers - Ssh, ssh, ssh - is the best show in the world.
Be quiet.
ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
) For the first match we have Aaron Dwyer from Cumbridge.
What are we doing here again? Well, I'm here to meet this Matt guy, and I don't I don't know why you're here.
Oh, I'm just kinda gettin' into sports, I guess.
ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
) Who will be facing EastWestern's Matthew Lee.
- Oh, that's him.
- Oh, fan favorite.
- Very popular.
- Yeah.
What are they wearing? They look like voo-doo dolls.
Yeah, they look like they're wearing hairnets - but on their faces.
- Yeah.
- Ssh! - Oh, my gosh! Uh, this is not a library, it's a sports match.
So we can talk, we're having a private conversation.
- Yeah, and kill yourself.
- Ooh! REFEREE (OVER P.
A.
) Pret? Allez! - Oh! Trying to stab each other.
- Wow.
- That's cool.
- Yeah, sort of.
Sword of.
- Oh, sword of! - I'm an American treasure.
- Oh, my god, they're so bendy.
- So regal.
- Yeah, bendy.
- Regal.
- Bendy.
- Regal.
- They're so bendy.
- Regal.
- Yeah.
- Do you smell popcorn? - I do.
- I want popcorn.
- Can we get a popcorn? - This is very exciting.
- Go, Matt! - Get it, Matt! Get it! - He is very good.
- Yeah.
I'm at every game.
Oh, wait, I do have popcorn.
Look, it's in my butt pocket.
They're warm, have some.
- Go EastWestern! Woo! - Woo! Get a E-W! - This is totally my thing.
- Oh, yeah, hell, yeah.
We need more of whatever the game is called! - Fencing, this is fencing.
- Fencing.
Fencing.
- I painted a fence! - Fencing.
- Fencing! Fencing.
- Fencing.
Fencing.
This is fencing.
I don't think so that sounds weird.
- Ssh! - Who's Ssh, back! - Ssh, back! - Back! Who's ssh-ing? - Who ssh? - Speak up! - Ssh back.
- You dropped your eaves.
Eavesdropper.
It's kinda like fighting in the future.
But like fighting in the past.
- Yeah, like - Yeah.
That was really good.
Thanks, it felt really natural.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my god.
- Am I a good fencer? - Well, I don't okay.
- Oh my god, there he is! - There - I can smell the win.
- Ssh, ssh, ssh.
Excuse me, Mr.
Lee? Hi! I'm I'm Matt.
I mean, I'm Billie.
- And this is Matt.
- No, I'm Gene, you're Matt.
Huge fan.
- [FEMALE COED.]
Later, Mattress! - Later.
Oh, what part of England are you from? Hong Kong.
Ah, John Lennon, the Monkees Rebel Wilson.
I bet you know Hugh Jackman personally.
I'm actually your teacher, um, so I think your coach spoke to you about setting up tutoring? Yeah, I think I do remember that.
Great, because I want to say, what I saw you do with your sword, I'm gonna do with your mind.
I'm just gonna poke, poke, poke, poke at your brains with with my fact wand.
Wait, wait.
Wh what was that? - What? - Sorry, did you say Matt? - I didn't hear anyone.
- Guys - Me, either.
- Guys, my team's calling me.
Thanks for coming, yeah? Really good to meet you.
Cheers! - Cheers! - Brexit like a boss.
- You okay? What happened there? - Oh, I don't know.
I jus I You should just work on talking to people.
- Hah! On guard! - Hee-yah! - I'm good at sound effects.
- Gotcha! Agh, that kind of hurt.
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
Uh, sports are really cool.
I wonder why they never really caught on.
Yeah, especially like the team pride, you know? - It's like, we're all fencing.
- Yeah.
Totally, it's bondage.
You know what? I'm gonna get him to pass my class, Gene.
I won't let him, let him down.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I feel you.
- (HORN HONKS) I'm totally listening, but also why has no one ever told me that I'm meant to be a fencer? Like, I know what Morgan Freeman feels like now starting acting at 70.
I'm like the Morgan Freeman of fencing.
I mean, I guess you could try out for the team.
What do you mean? I like, am the team already.
Okay, just don't get your hopes up before you've seen what you can do.
- I have seen what I can do.
- Where? In my brain! That you can't just snap your fingers and be an athlete! - (HORN HONKS) - You have to work at it.
Like Matt's gonna have to work to pass his test.
(HORN HONKING) Everything starts out as an idea, okay? - (HONKING CONTINUES) - Baby names, buildings Land Before Time sequels.
But you're the kind of person that like will never turn it into reality.
And you know why? Because you don't believe in yourself.
I totally believe in myself.
I'm gonna be a [BLEEP.]
ing fencer.
- You know? Go EastWestern! - What? Agh! Ooh! Agh! - I'm in pain! Ow! - Oh, my gosh, I am sorry.
No! It's not your fault! Billie! You hit my ankle, you bitch! Agh! Jousting was actually history's first extreme sport when you think about it, right? Speaking of sports, has anyone seen Matthew Lee? From fencing team? Supposed to be in this class, no? Never mind, he's not here, and that's fine.
I'm sorry, I've been in an accident, excuse me.
[GENE.]
I'm so sorry.
What are you doing in a scooter, Gene? There's a Great.
I'm gonna sit right around like right there.
- Okay, start your lesson.
- You bruised your ankle.
I got hurt worse than you did! Where's Matt? Where is he? - Is he okay? Everything - Matt, he didn't show up.
- He hates direction.
- He didn't show up.
What? Matt? - No.
Matt! - Not here, Gene! Of course, he's not.
For him, the dream is still alive.
Unlike for me, just a washed up piece of crap with a suitcase full of should'ves and what coulda happens, and mighta beens.
How do think I feel, huh? How am I gonna can't get him to pass my class if I can't even get him to show up? - Um, guys? - I gave my what? - Can we um, learn? - Yeah.
Uh, this just in, we were in an accident.
You're a rude girl.
I'll reflect that in your grade.
- This just in.
- Do not sass me, Eduardo! Oh, my god.
Out of my way! Where are you what are you doin Billie, watch out! Don't leave me here.
I just yelled at a student.
I have to tell truths, Billie! - Truths, plural? - All the truths! No, don't help me.
It makes me feel pathetic.
You look pathetic.
- You look pathetic, babe.
- You look pathetic, babe.
Hey, toots, you look the most pathetic! [GENE.]
Shit! Okay, I don't know what you're doing, but just go for it! Wait, I got it.
I got this! Hah-hah-hah! - Sayonara! - All right.
This is it my new second home.
God, it feels good to be here for the first time.
Gene? Richie, just the man I was looking for.
The news station manager slash, the person who hit me with a van.
Yeah, I want to apologize again for that, by the way.
Oh, my gosh, no need, no need.
All right? Take that apology and let's turn it into an opportunity, okay? Follow me down this path.
I've decided to do what all great athletes do after their professional careers are over, and become a sports journalist.
That's right.
That's right.
Hi.
I'm your new broad caster.
No, no.
This is Gene on the Scene coming to you live from EastWestern University's tournament of "Swords.
" - You're doing this right now? - So, y'all know what that means.
- Gene? Gene? - Fencing fans.
The cameras aren't even plugged in.
I know when they're on me.
That's right, it's a sword fight! A major poke-fest, starring Matt "The Mattress" Lee - as he scored a touchdown.
- Gene.
Gene? Let's take it into overtime with 15-love.
- Gene? - Yeah.
I can't just give you the position just because I hit you.
I mean, my insurance already covered your hospital bills and this this Rascal which I really don't think you need.
But you ruined my sports you ruined my sports career.
Okay, uh, look, Gene? If you want to work here, you gotta bring me a story.
Oh one time, there was a prince No, no, no, I don't need you to tell me a story right now.
Oh.
I need you to go out there and get one.
I see what you mean.
I'm gonna bring you a story and it's gonna be the best story you've ever read.
Even when you were a kid and you got great stories by your parents.
It's gonna be better than that.
Peace out, no.
- No, the je - Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
The wheel is stuck.
It's fine.
This one's good, that one's good.
Yeah, we're good.
This thing is a piece of shit, by the way.
I'm gonna need a better one and a make-up person.
And uh, a raise, because I'm a woman, and I deserve it.
It's 2017.
No, I knew you were looking at me.
Oh, please, whatever! In my head, I'm going, "He doesn't even know my name.
" Oh really, Felicia? My name is Rachel.
- Hi, there! - Oh! I'm looking for Matt the athlete? He's all yours.
Bye, Felicia.
Oh, bye, Felicia! Sorry.
Pretty name, it means happiness.
So, um, I was just in study hall waiting for you.
I waited for about an hour, and then I was like "Billie, are you sure that you told him about this?" So, I thought, "You know what? "Why don't I just make it easier and just come to you.
" So, walla! I'm sorry, who are you? Oh, I'm your, uh I'm your history teacher.
Yeah, and look, I know you're the star athlete and you're used to all your professors just passing you.
But, uh, this Mattress just got delivered to Browntown.
Browntown is me, I'm Browntown.
What I jus I've never had a teacher invest in my future this way.
Oh! Well, that's great.
Too bad it's not for something more practical than medieval weaponry, but whatever.
- Yeah.
- Let's give it a go.
- Okay.
- Agh That's cool, cool cool, cool attitude.
I brought you an extra book.
Wow.
Look at your wrist.
Oh, yeah, I got ah - No, no, no.
- hit by a van.
That should be bandaged.
Have you seen a doctor? No! No need, I got my trusty crutches here from my plantar's wart removal, and I thought, "You know what?" - Wow! Your knees are destroyed! - Something told me to hang on Oh, eyes up here, Romeo.
I see what you're doing.
Hi, can you connect me to the Health Center, please? Okay.
Yeah, yeah, I've got a professor here in pretty bad shape.
- All right, okay.
- Yes, I'll hold.
Someone really doesn't want to study.
- Uh, is that are you? - Just a little blood.
- Okay.
That looks a little - That's fine.
You know what? It's more red snot than blood.
- Yeah? It's okay.
- No, I just What's the altitude in this room? It's sea level, same.
- I think it's just dry.
- Okay, uh - Do you smell a burnt avocado? - Burnt burnt avocado? - Mm.
- Yes, please hurry.
Coach? Coach? Coach McLaughlin! Hi! Can I help you, miss? Oh, Miss Brown.
I could barely recognize you.
I know, I had a little accident.
I was actually on crutches but Matt insisted I go to the hospital, so I got this.
Um, is he in there, by the way? Yes, but you cannot go into the men's locker room.
Oh, right, the penises.
Um, well, I made him some study sheets because I didn't get a chance to tutor him.
Oh, great.
Oh, and this is just a little thank you for the hospital.
Assortment of flavored nuts.
- I got barbeque, jalapeno.
- Ah - Well, I'll pass them along.
- Thank you.
- Did someone say pass? - I did.
Roxie, play news stinger.
What's up, America? I'm here outside the men's locker room at EastWestern University, where you just witnessed a coach accepting gifts from a disabled person.
- I'm not disabled.
- Back to me.
Not only is she a disabled person she's also a teacher here at this very school.
Also, this very coach Go to him.
- Hey! - has been putting pressure on her to pass his star athlete, Matthew Lee.
Back to me.
Also, Billie's having sex with Matthew Lee.
- What? Ew.
- What? No, no! All right, good, good! I deny all of these allegations! All of them, denied! Sick.
- [GENE.]
Back to me, Hedra.
- Gene, what are you doing? It seems there's a seedier side to college sports full of glad handing and special favors.
Hm, this seems like there's one Mattress that needs to be flipped.
And cut and perfect.
Oh, my god, you were totally right.
You really are an American Treasure.
- I know.
- Right? - Yeah.
- Exactly.
- No! - Gene! Oh, Billie, I am so sorry.
You don't know anything that's going on.
I'm gonna be a college broadcaster now.
Sorta need a juicy story something with meat on the bones.
And I'm the meat? - Well? - Okay, look! I am not fodder for your sex scandal, okay? I was here to teach Matt, so he could pass fairly.
And you cost him his study sheets and his nuts! Study sheets or cheat sheets, Billie? Study sh they were just guiding Look, what happened to your team pride, anyway? What happened to my legs, Billie? Nothing.
I got hit, you just stubbed your toe.
What happened to my legs? The exam's in an hour.
You have to take it, too.
Legs, Billie! - Did you hear me about the test? - What happened to my legs? All right, guys, don't open 'em up yet.
We're gonna just wait, see if anyone shows up late.
Oh.
Hey, man, why's everybody got these tricked out bicycles? Just take a seat, Shane, and mind your business.
Thank you.
Matt, hi! - I'm sorry, am I late? - No, only technically.
Come, have a seat.
Look, I just want to say that I'm sorry.
Hey, I'm sorry that we never got to study or I never got you those study sheets.
It's fine.
But just so you know my I'm not gonna just pass you.
My moral compass doesn't allow it.
- Don't worry, I got this.
- Thanks, Matt.
Preferential treatment abounds.
All right, guys.
Get out your pens and your battle axes and uh take your test.
- I don't have a battle ax.
- Just use your pen.
Oh.
(SNORING) Fencing! Better get going and grade these papers before the big game, teach.
Did you get a faster Rascal? Yes, it's like I always say, live fast, die slow.
That's a terrible plan.
Okay, please be good, please be good, please be good.
Oh, god.
Mm Eh Yeah, okay.
It seems like there's one Mattress that needs to be flipped.
We added the explosion in after, for effect.
I wanted to do it live, but I'd have a major case of hot face.
Gene, look, this piece is totally slanted it lacks in-depth reporting, it has no sources and it makes outrageous claims.
It's what we in the news world like to call perfect.
Oh, my gosh.
Thought you were gonna go a different way with that.
Wow! Thank you! I felt really good about it.
Like a regular Barb Walters.
So you wanna just give me my press badge and I'll head off to the big match? Yeah, unfortunately I can't do that.
What's up? Your GPA it's too low.
Your exam grades were posted.
What? She failed me and passed Matt! Oh, that bitch! Oh, that bitch! Hi, Gene, I can't talk right now.
Oh, are you in a hurry, on the way to the big match? Yeah, actually, I am.
Oh, that bitch! What? You posted our grades online, Billie! I saw that you passed Matt, even though he failed.
How did you know Because I let him copy off of me and he passed and I failed! And now I can't be the Bob Costas of the school because my GPA is so low.
And it's all your fault, you stupid bitch! Roxie, play death metal.
Gene, wait! Stop circling me, Gene, I am going to tell them! Will you shut off your dance club music? Thank you.
Look, I know what I did was wrong.
I'm going right now to tell the truth! Will you - Roxie, play death metal! - I'm going to tell the truth! Will you turn that off! Gene, would you turn that off, please! I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.
What? I said I'm going right now - Yeah? - to stop it.
- I'm going to tell the coach - Roxie, death metal! and the dean that he failed.
Will you stop being such a baby! Oh, I'm a baby? You had no problem failing this baby, did you, Billie? That's because I expect more from you, Gene! Plus, you let him cheat! - Me cheats? - Yeah, you cheats.
- You cheat, sweets.
- Yeah, you cheat, sweets.
- You cheat! - Eat sweet take cheats! - You cheat! - You cheat! Sweep streets! Hey, give me that.
Give me that, Hand! This is the only thing I learned - No! - in your stupid class, Billie! - The joust! - No! No! Stop! This isn't fair, your Rascal's way faster than mine! Oh, yeah, you're right, I'll handicap myself.
No, you have a metal flag pole! This is crazy! Hey, you! Gimme this! Hey, that's my hand, man.
Relax, Shane, I'll give it back.
Do you guys not have anything more battle-worthy than a - Never mind.
- How do you know my name? You're in my class, you idiot! You have very sweaty hands.
Live fast, die slow, bitch! That doesn't make any sense, bitch! I need my flag.
- Agh! - Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! These things are really [BLEEP.]
ing slow! - Very frustrating.
- Yeah.
Stop! Hedra, we're in the middle of a scooter joust.
Well, haven't you guys heard the news? Matthew Lee can't compete.
He fell on his sword.
Figuratively or literally? No, he dropped his equipment and when he went to pick it up he got hit by a van.
It's an epidemic.
Really, I mean, are these walking streets? Are they driving streets? This school needs better signage.
Hello! Hey! I want my hand and The Hand wants its flag.
Not until the joust is done! - Agh! - (ENGINE WHIRS DOWN) Agh! Your battery your battery's dead.
The joust is done.
My lady.
I'm very much a man.
Which answers the age old question: Which came first? The vomitorium, of course.
Matt, do you have a question? Nope, again, it's just the cast.
Right, okay.
- So this would change the way - And last but not least - Lisa Kudrow.
- battles were fought.
What are you doing? Now it's the cast of Friends.
Now who can tell me the difference between a moat and a sluice? - Oh.
- Matt, you wanna take a stab at this? Yeah, I think Gunther can get this one! Dude, his hand's up, 'cause he's in a cast.
Oh, my god.
Shane, don't talk out of turn, please.
Raise your hand like Matt.
S'good, Billie that bitch.
- [BILLIE.]
Take a train! - [GENE.]
Train! I mean, which way is for Which way is for Hold on! This is an accident waiting to happen.
Nope.
Hi, Billie.
Can I speak with you for a second? - Oh well, I'm just in the middle of a - Yeah.
I'd really love it if you would do it.
- Uh okay.
- I'll take over.
My favorite Kinght is Jordan.
Hi.
Uh Billie, this is coach McLaughlin.
And, of course, you already know Timothy.
- Hi, I'm Timothy.
- I know.
Uh, Billie, you have a student in this class, Matthew Lee.
Yeah, you do, you do.
- He just never really shows up.
- Okay.
He's very busy, he's the captain of the fencing team.
School's only Division One sport.
- Yeah.
- So It's super important that Matthew be allowed to compete.
And if he gets another F then he can't fence in the Regionals, so Oh, no, yeah.
Are you trying to get me to pass this guy? - Well, I, uh don't B Billie.
- Oh, wow.
- Billie, Bi - Somebody's paranoid.
We're just asking that you be invested in his future at this school.
- Okay.
- And also, here's a note.
We do want you to pass him.
- It's on a note, so - We didn't say it.
- The note said it.
- Yeah.
Okay, you know what? I will pass him.
- Oh, great.
- Great, that was easy.
After he earns the grade, okay? I don't care if I have to tutor him everyday I will get him to pass this class.
- Students are not a paycheck, okay? - Actually - Our students are the future.
- Okay.
They are of the future.
And that's why Wahlburgers - Ssh, ssh, ssh - is the best show in the world.
Be quiet.
ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
) For the first match we have Aaron Dwyer from Cumbridge.
What are we doing here again? Well, I'm here to meet this Matt guy, and I don't I don't know why you're here.
Oh, I'm just kinda gettin' into sports, I guess.
ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
) Who will be facing EastWestern's Matthew Lee.
- Oh, that's him.
- Oh, fan favorite.
- Very popular.
- Yeah.
What are they wearing? They look like voo-doo dolls.
Yeah, they look like they're wearing hairnets - but on their faces.
- Yeah.
- Ssh! - Oh, my gosh! Uh, this is not a library, it's a sports match.
So we can talk, we're having a private conversation.
- Yeah, and kill yourself.
- Ooh! REFEREE (OVER P.
A.
) Pret? Allez! - Oh! Trying to stab each other.
- Wow.
- That's cool.
- Yeah, sort of.
Sword of.
- Oh, sword of! - I'm an American treasure.
- Oh, my god, they're so bendy.
- So regal.
- Yeah, bendy.
- Regal.
- Bendy.
- Regal.
- They're so bendy.
- Regal.
- Yeah.
- Do you smell popcorn? - I do.
- I want popcorn.
- Can we get a popcorn? - This is very exciting.
- Go, Matt! - Get it, Matt! Get it! - He is very good.
- Yeah.
I'm at every game.
Oh, wait, I do have popcorn.
Look, it's in my butt pocket.
They're warm, have some.
- Go EastWestern! Woo! - Woo! Get a E-W! - This is totally my thing.
- Oh, yeah, hell, yeah.
We need more of whatever the game is called! - Fencing, this is fencing.
- Fencing.
Fencing.
- I painted a fence! - Fencing.
- Fencing! Fencing.
- Fencing.
Fencing.
This is fencing.
I don't think so that sounds weird.
- Ssh! - Who's Ssh, back! - Ssh, back! - Back! Who's ssh-ing? - Who ssh? - Speak up! - Ssh back.
- You dropped your eaves.
Eavesdropper.
It's kinda like fighting in the future.
But like fighting in the past.
- Yeah, like - Yeah.
That was really good.
Thanks, it felt really natural.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my god.
- Am I a good fencer? - Well, I don't okay.
- Oh my god, there he is! - There - I can smell the win.
- Ssh, ssh, ssh.
Excuse me, Mr.
Lee? Hi! I'm I'm Matt.
I mean, I'm Billie.
- And this is Matt.
- No, I'm Gene, you're Matt.
Huge fan.
- [FEMALE COED.]
Later, Mattress! - Later.
Oh, what part of England are you from? Hong Kong.
Ah, John Lennon, the Monkees Rebel Wilson.
I bet you know Hugh Jackman personally.
I'm actually your teacher, um, so I think your coach spoke to you about setting up tutoring? Yeah, I think I do remember that.
Great, because I want to say, what I saw you do with your sword, I'm gonna do with your mind.
I'm just gonna poke, poke, poke, poke at your brains with with my fact wand.
Wait, wait.
Wh what was that? - What? - Sorry, did you say Matt? - I didn't hear anyone.
- Guys - Me, either.
- Guys, my team's calling me.
Thanks for coming, yeah? Really good to meet you.
Cheers! - Cheers! - Brexit like a boss.
- You okay? What happened there? - Oh, I don't know.
I jus I You should just work on talking to people.
- Hah! On guard! - Hee-yah! - I'm good at sound effects.
- Gotcha! Agh, that kind of hurt.
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
Uh, sports are really cool.
I wonder why they never really caught on.
Yeah, especially like the team pride, you know? - It's like, we're all fencing.
- Yeah.
Totally, it's bondage.
You know what? I'm gonna get him to pass my class, Gene.
I won't let him, let him down.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I feel you.
- (HORN HONKS) I'm totally listening, but also why has no one ever told me that I'm meant to be a fencer? Like, I know what Morgan Freeman feels like now starting acting at 70.
I'm like the Morgan Freeman of fencing.
I mean, I guess you could try out for the team.
What do you mean? I like, am the team already.
Okay, just don't get your hopes up before you've seen what you can do.
- I have seen what I can do.
- Where? In my brain! That you can't just snap your fingers and be an athlete! - (HORN HONKS) - You have to work at it.
Like Matt's gonna have to work to pass his test.
(HORN HONKING) Everything starts out as an idea, okay? - (HONKING CONTINUES) - Baby names, buildings Land Before Time sequels.
But you're the kind of person that like will never turn it into reality.
And you know why? Because you don't believe in yourself.
I totally believe in myself.
I'm gonna be a [BLEEP.]
ing fencer.
- You know? Go EastWestern! - What? Agh! Ooh! Agh! - I'm in pain! Ow! - Oh, my gosh, I am sorry.
No! It's not your fault! Billie! You hit my ankle, you bitch! Agh! Jousting was actually history's first extreme sport when you think about it, right? Speaking of sports, has anyone seen Matthew Lee? From fencing team? Supposed to be in this class, no? Never mind, he's not here, and that's fine.
I'm sorry, I've been in an accident, excuse me.
[GENE.]
I'm so sorry.
What are you doing in a scooter, Gene? There's a Great.
I'm gonna sit right around like right there.
- Okay, start your lesson.
- You bruised your ankle.
I got hurt worse than you did! Where's Matt? Where is he? - Is he okay? Everything - Matt, he didn't show up.
- He hates direction.
- He didn't show up.
What? Matt? - No.
Matt! - Not here, Gene! Of course, he's not.
For him, the dream is still alive.
Unlike for me, just a washed up piece of crap with a suitcase full of should'ves and what coulda happens, and mighta beens.
How do think I feel, huh? How am I gonna can't get him to pass my class if I can't even get him to show up? - Um, guys? - I gave my what? - Can we um, learn? - Yeah.
Uh, this just in, we were in an accident.
You're a rude girl.
I'll reflect that in your grade.
- This just in.
- Do not sass me, Eduardo! Oh, my god.
Out of my way! Where are you what are you doin Billie, watch out! Don't leave me here.
I just yelled at a student.
I have to tell truths, Billie! - Truths, plural? - All the truths! No, don't help me.
It makes me feel pathetic.
You look pathetic.
- You look pathetic, babe.
- You look pathetic, babe.
Hey, toots, you look the most pathetic! [GENE.]
Shit! Okay, I don't know what you're doing, but just go for it! Wait, I got it.
I got this! Hah-hah-hah! - Sayonara! - All right.
This is it my new second home.
God, it feels good to be here for the first time.
Gene? Richie, just the man I was looking for.
The news station manager slash, the person who hit me with a van.
Yeah, I want to apologize again for that, by the way.
Oh, my gosh, no need, no need.
All right? Take that apology and let's turn it into an opportunity, okay? Follow me down this path.
I've decided to do what all great athletes do after their professional careers are over, and become a sports journalist.
That's right.
That's right.
Hi.
I'm your new broad caster.
No, no.
This is Gene on the Scene coming to you live from EastWestern University's tournament of "Swords.
" - You're doing this right now? - So, y'all know what that means.
- Gene? Gene? - Fencing fans.
The cameras aren't even plugged in.
I know when they're on me.
That's right, it's a sword fight! A major poke-fest, starring Matt "The Mattress" Lee - as he scored a touchdown.
- Gene.
Gene? Let's take it into overtime with 15-love.
- Gene? - Yeah.
I can't just give you the position just because I hit you.
I mean, my insurance already covered your hospital bills and this this Rascal which I really don't think you need.
But you ruined my sports you ruined my sports career.
Okay, uh, look, Gene? If you want to work here, you gotta bring me a story.
Oh one time, there was a prince No, no, no, I don't need you to tell me a story right now.
Oh.
I need you to go out there and get one.
I see what you mean.
I'm gonna bring you a story and it's gonna be the best story you've ever read.
Even when you were a kid and you got great stories by your parents.
It's gonna be better than that.
Peace out, no.
- No, the je - Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
The wheel is stuck.
It's fine.
This one's good, that one's good.
Yeah, we're good.
This thing is a piece of shit, by the way.
I'm gonna need a better one and a make-up person.
And uh, a raise, because I'm a woman, and I deserve it.
It's 2017.
No, I knew you were looking at me.
Oh, please, whatever! In my head, I'm going, "He doesn't even know my name.
" Oh really, Felicia? My name is Rachel.
- Hi, there! - Oh! I'm looking for Matt the athlete? He's all yours.
Bye, Felicia.
Oh, bye, Felicia! Sorry.
Pretty name, it means happiness.
So, um, I was just in study hall waiting for you.
I waited for about an hour, and then I was like "Billie, are you sure that you told him about this?" So, I thought, "You know what? "Why don't I just make it easier and just come to you.
" So, walla! I'm sorry, who are you? Oh, I'm your, uh I'm your history teacher.
Yeah, and look, I know you're the star athlete and you're used to all your professors just passing you.
But, uh, this Mattress just got delivered to Browntown.
Browntown is me, I'm Browntown.
What I jus I've never had a teacher invest in my future this way.
Oh! Well, that's great.
Too bad it's not for something more practical than medieval weaponry, but whatever.
- Yeah.
- Let's give it a go.
- Okay.
- Agh That's cool, cool cool, cool attitude.
I brought you an extra book.
Wow.
Look at your wrist.
Oh, yeah, I got ah - No, no, no.
- hit by a van.
That should be bandaged.
Have you seen a doctor? No! No need, I got my trusty crutches here from my plantar's wart removal, and I thought, "You know what?" - Wow! Your knees are destroyed! - Something told me to hang on Oh, eyes up here, Romeo.
I see what you're doing.
Hi, can you connect me to the Health Center, please? Okay.
Yeah, yeah, I've got a professor here in pretty bad shape.
- All right, okay.
- Yes, I'll hold.
Someone really doesn't want to study.
- Uh, is that are you? - Just a little blood.
- Okay.
That looks a little - That's fine.
You know what? It's more red snot than blood.
- Yeah? It's okay.
- No, I just What's the altitude in this room? It's sea level, same.
- I think it's just dry.
- Okay, uh - Do you smell a burnt avocado? - Burnt burnt avocado? - Mm.
- Yes, please hurry.
Coach? Coach? Coach McLaughlin! Hi! Can I help you, miss? Oh, Miss Brown.
I could barely recognize you.
I know, I had a little accident.
I was actually on crutches but Matt insisted I go to the hospital, so I got this.
Um, is he in there, by the way? Yes, but you cannot go into the men's locker room.
Oh, right, the penises.
Um, well, I made him some study sheets because I didn't get a chance to tutor him.
Oh, great.
Oh, and this is just a little thank you for the hospital.
Assortment of flavored nuts.
- I got barbeque, jalapeno.
- Ah - Well, I'll pass them along.
- Thank you.
- Did someone say pass? - I did.
Roxie, play news stinger.
What's up, America? I'm here outside the men's locker room at EastWestern University, where you just witnessed a coach accepting gifts from a disabled person.
- I'm not disabled.
- Back to me.
Not only is she a disabled person she's also a teacher here at this very school.
Also, this very coach Go to him.
- Hey! - has been putting pressure on her to pass his star athlete, Matthew Lee.
Back to me.
Also, Billie's having sex with Matthew Lee.
- What? Ew.
- What? No, no! All right, good, good! I deny all of these allegations! All of them, denied! Sick.
- [GENE.]
Back to me, Hedra.
- Gene, what are you doing? It seems there's a seedier side to college sports full of glad handing and special favors.
Hm, this seems like there's one Mattress that needs to be flipped.
And cut and perfect.
Oh, my god, you were totally right.
You really are an American Treasure.
- I know.
- Right? - Yeah.
- Exactly.
- No! - Gene! Oh, Billie, I am so sorry.
You don't know anything that's going on.
I'm gonna be a college broadcaster now.
Sorta need a juicy story something with meat on the bones.
And I'm the meat? - Well? - Okay, look! I am not fodder for your sex scandal, okay? I was here to teach Matt, so he could pass fairly.
And you cost him his study sheets and his nuts! Study sheets or cheat sheets, Billie? Study sh they were just guiding Look, what happened to your team pride, anyway? What happened to my legs, Billie? Nothing.
I got hit, you just stubbed your toe.
What happened to my legs? The exam's in an hour.
You have to take it, too.
Legs, Billie! - Did you hear me about the test? - What happened to my legs? All right, guys, don't open 'em up yet.
We're gonna just wait, see if anyone shows up late.
Oh.
Hey, man, why's everybody got these tricked out bicycles? Just take a seat, Shane, and mind your business.
Thank you.
Matt, hi! - I'm sorry, am I late? - No, only technically.
Come, have a seat.
Look, I just want to say that I'm sorry.
Hey, I'm sorry that we never got to study or I never got you those study sheets.
It's fine.
But just so you know my I'm not gonna just pass you.
My moral compass doesn't allow it.
- Don't worry, I got this.
- Thanks, Matt.
Preferential treatment abounds.
All right, guys.
Get out your pens and your battle axes and uh take your test.
- I don't have a battle ax.
- Just use your pen.
Oh.
(SNORING) Fencing! Better get going and grade these papers before the big game, teach.
Did you get a faster Rascal? Yes, it's like I always say, live fast, die slow.
That's a terrible plan.
Okay, please be good, please be good, please be good.
Oh, god.
Mm Eh Yeah, okay.
It seems like there's one Mattress that needs to be flipped.
We added the explosion in after, for effect.
I wanted to do it live, but I'd have a major case of hot face.
Gene, look, this piece is totally slanted it lacks in-depth reporting, it has no sources and it makes outrageous claims.
It's what we in the news world like to call perfect.
Oh, my gosh.
Thought you were gonna go a different way with that.
Wow! Thank you! I felt really good about it.
Like a regular Barb Walters.
So you wanna just give me my press badge and I'll head off to the big match? Yeah, unfortunately I can't do that.
What's up? Your GPA it's too low.
Your exam grades were posted.
What? She failed me and passed Matt! Oh, that bitch! Oh, that bitch! Hi, Gene, I can't talk right now.
Oh, are you in a hurry, on the way to the big match? Yeah, actually, I am.
Oh, that bitch! What? You posted our grades online, Billie! I saw that you passed Matt, even though he failed.
How did you know Because I let him copy off of me and he passed and I failed! And now I can't be the Bob Costas of the school because my GPA is so low.
And it's all your fault, you stupid bitch! Roxie, play death metal.
Gene, wait! Stop circling me, Gene, I am going to tell them! Will you shut off your dance club music? Thank you.
Look, I know what I did was wrong.
I'm going right now to tell the truth! Will you - Roxie, play death metal! - I'm going to tell the truth! Will you turn that off! Gene, would you turn that off, please! I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.
What? I said I'm going right now - Yeah? - to stop it.
- I'm going to tell the coach - Roxie, death metal! and the dean that he failed.
Will you stop being such a baby! Oh, I'm a baby? You had no problem failing this baby, did you, Billie? That's because I expect more from you, Gene! Plus, you let him cheat! - Me cheats? - Yeah, you cheats.
- You cheat, sweets.
- Yeah, you cheat, sweets.
- You cheat! - Eat sweet take cheats! - You cheat! - You cheat! Sweep streets! Hey, give me that.
Give me that, Hand! This is the only thing I learned - No! - in your stupid class, Billie! - The joust! - No! No! Stop! This isn't fair, your Rascal's way faster than mine! Oh, yeah, you're right, I'll handicap myself.
No, you have a metal flag pole! This is crazy! Hey, you! Gimme this! Hey, that's my hand, man.
Relax, Shane, I'll give it back.
Do you guys not have anything more battle-worthy than a - Never mind.
- How do you know my name? You're in my class, you idiot! You have very sweaty hands.
Live fast, die slow, bitch! That doesn't make any sense, bitch! I need my flag.
- Agh! - Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! These things are really [BLEEP.]
ing slow! - Very frustrating.
- Yeah.
Stop! Hedra, we're in the middle of a scooter joust.
Well, haven't you guys heard the news? Matthew Lee can't compete.
He fell on his sword.
Figuratively or literally? No, he dropped his equipment and when he went to pick it up he got hit by a van.
It's an epidemic.
Really, I mean, are these walking streets? Are they driving streets? This school needs better signage.
Hello! Hey! I want my hand and The Hand wants its flag.
Not until the joust is done! - Agh! - (ENGINE WHIRS DOWN) Agh! Your battery your battery's dead.
The joust is done.
My lady.
I'm very much a man.
Which answers the age old question: Which came first? The vomitorium, of course.
Matt, do you have a question? Nope, again, it's just the cast.
Right, okay.
- So this would change the way - And last but not least - Lisa Kudrow.
- battles were fought.
What are you doing? Now it's the cast of Friends.
Now who can tell me the difference between a moat and a sluice? - Oh.
- Matt, you wanna take a stab at this? Yeah, I think Gunther can get this one! Dude, his hand's up, 'cause he's in a cast.
Oh, my god.
Shane, don't talk out of turn, please.
Raise your hand like Matt.
S'good, Billie that bitch.
- [BILLIE.]
Take a train! - [GENE.]
Train! I mean, which way is for Which way is for Hold on! This is an accident waiting to happen.
Nope.