Impastor (2015) s02e05 Episode Script

1 - Previously on "Impastor.
" - Oh! What I want is that watch, and you're gonna get it for me, or I'm gonna put a bullet in the redhead I saw you hugging this morning.
That's crazy, 'cause I was gonna ask you to prom too.
Did you know that he was gonna ask me? Ray said that if he did not get his money today, he was gonna burn down the church.
[dramatic music.]
What's the damage? My car's totaled, but the church is fine.
Thank God.
Appreciate your concern.
I'm just glad no one was hurt.
But who knows where this Lutheran hater will strike next? Maybe we should cancel the Future Farmers event.
Good idea.
Dora, now you can get outta town and take that vacation you keep talking about.
No! If we cancel the Pancake Pig-out, the terrorists win.
We're Lutheran, nobody stops our fundraising breakfasts.
Yeah, Russell, get with the program.
We're gonna fight this SOB.
Buddy, can I see you a second? Uh, and let the record show, this blunder did not happen on my shift.
No, it was I got a text from Ray.
"Car's gone.
You're next.
" [dramatic music.]
I had two big problems I had to protect Alexa and I had to get that watch to save Dora.
Alexa, swing by and pick me up.
We're going to Portland.
I'll tell you on the way.
Excuse me, excuse me, Pastor, I-I need to talk to you about the terrorist situation.
But while I'm here, I have something of a confidential nature to discuss.
Look, Alden, I got a lot Oh, Reverend, I-I you know, last night I was with Ashlee, and as things got, well, amorous Ugh.
My man parts finished without permission.
You pre-jacked? I-I Oh, I'm sorry.
That's very embarrassing, but, you know, it happens to everyone.
So it's happened to you? No.
Never.
Well, at first I blamed the friction from Alexa's damn disco trousers, but upon reflection, I wonder if it isn't some message from God.
God? [laughs.]
Why would God turn on the sprinklers before the first pitch? Maybe He's punishing me for pursuing another woman while I'm still married.
This was a golden opportunity to get Schmidt away from Ashlee.
Yes, Alden, that's exactly what God's doing.
If I were you, I'd listen before He shuts off your sprinkler for good.
So you have a friend in Portland who might lend you $20,000? Who is this guy? Look out! [tires screeching.]
[honks horn.]
Learn how to drive, you bi Ah! Road rage kills.
I've got this.
[dramatic music.]
Going somewhere? As a matter of fact, I got a lead on the watch.
I should have it in a few hours.
Good, 'cause I'm getting impatient.
And when I get impatient, bad things happen to redheads.
[tires screeching.]
Huh.
What the hell was her problem? Spider in the car.
I told her to catch and release.
What? All God's creatures are precious.
Let's go.
Ugh.
I'm so glad I found you in time.
I'm going spatula shopping for the Pancake Pig-out.
Do you prefer plastic or metal? Oh, I'm sorry, you're letting me make my own choices now? Thanks.
Come on, you're not still mad about the prom thing, are you? [sighs.]
Russell, I just can't help but think what would've happened if I had gone to prom with Jeremy instead of you.
Well, there's a good chance you wouldn't have gotten a purple anthurium corsage.
Maybe we would've fallen in love.
Maybe he was the perfect guy for me.
He wasn't.
Believe me.
Why not? Because he just wasn't, okay? Well, I guess we'll never know, thanks to your selfishness.
- Dora, I - Russell, you're supposed to be my friend, okay? You're not supposed to prom-block me.
I would never do anything to hurt you, and if you don't know that, then maybe we shouldn't be Pig-out partners.
I quit.
[scoffs.]
If you didn't take the money from the Boston bank robbery, then why would Kenny and Ray think you did? How should I know how their sick minds work? I was an innocent bystander.
Alexa, innocent bystanders don't usually drive getaway cars.
Kenny tricked me.
He said he was making a withdrawal.
I didn't know it was with a gun.
I wanted to believe she was telling me the truth, but first, I had to lie to her.
Pull over.
This is where I'm meeting my friend.
All right, wait here, I shouldn't be too long.
[Zayde Wolf's "Strike a Match".]
- Hey! - The night is getting - Colder under city lights - Hey! Lonely souls they stagger - Like they've all gone blind - Hey! There is something bigger in the dark tonight - Hey! - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh - Oh, oh, oh - Hey! Dancin' with the devil in the cold, cold rain - Hey! - I'm not making deals - Because I know the game - Hey! Stealing all the secrets 'cause I need that flame - Hey! - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Hey, you.
What are you doing here? Uh, I have a delivery for a Detective Hyde.
What happened to the regular guy? Where's Kwon? Deported.
Hyde's in there.
Psst.
Hyde.
I don't know you.
It's okay, you can know me.
I need to talk to you.
- Is this a test? - No.
That's what you would say if this was a test.
I know you took something from Damien's grave, and I need it back.
I didn't take anything from the grave.
Need I remind you I am an FBI agent and that grave-robbery is a felony? Okay, fine.
Here, pull.
No.
Not those! Jesus Christ, the watch, man.
That I don't have anymore.
I used it to pay for a hooker in Ladner.
- [scoffs.]
What? - Yeah, this cute, little blonde chick with a butterfly tattoo on her neck.
Are you sure you gave it to her? [laughs.]
I gave it to her all right.
[imitates explosion.]
Hey, Kwon.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh [dramatic music.]
[phone ringing.]
[dramatic music.]
[phone buzzing.]
Hello? Yo, you missing something? Where is she? - Buddy, we're at a motel - Shut up! You know it looked like the two of you were running.
I didn't like that, Buddy.
We weren't running.
I was going to get your money.
So you have it? Not yet.
You see, that is too bad, because now I'm gonna have to keep your girlfriend until you do.
[sighs.]
[Ladyhawke's "A Love Song".]
It all began innocent as love can be In every word you gave it all to me 'Cause this is what a love song sounds like Another life two beating hearts are mine The party's over but you're still over the line 'Cause this is what a love song sounds like [echoing.]
Sounds like, sounds like This could be my life but it's only words To make me feel right when the meaning's blurred You've opened my eyes to the oldest tale of time This is what a love song sounds like This could be my life but it's only words To make me feel right when the meaning's blurred You've opened my eyes to the oldest tale of time This is what [knocking at the door.]
Jeremy, hi.
- Brought the wristbands.
- Oh.
Thank you, but couldn't you have given them to me tomorrow at the Pancake Pig-out? Yeah, but then I wouldn't have an excuse to come by and see you.
[chuckles.]
- Oh.
- [laughs.]
Oh, come in.
The thing is, I wasn't completely honest with you yesterday.
About what? About Chelsea.
She and I are getting divorced.
Really? Really.
- Yeah.
- Aww.
It's my fault.
It between running my businesses and my charity work, she felt neglected and met someone else.
Oh, I'm so sorry, I really am, but you know, even in high school, I never really felt like the two of you were right for one another.
You know, I can't help wonder how things might be different if I would have asked you to prom.
Oh, my God, that's so fun I never think about stuff like that.
[chuckles.]
Ah, there's a lot of things I wish I would've done differently back then.
- Yeah? - I was a real shallow jerk.
Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
You know, I think the important thing now is that you look forward, instead of backward.
- Okay.
- Okay.
[both laughing.]
- Oh, listen.
- Yeah? I'm gonna be setting up my booth later.
If you have a chance, I could use a hand.
Well, it just so happens I have two of them.
[both laughing.]
Hey.
[dramatic music.]
What's the big emergency? Remember that cop you slept with? You'll need to be more specific.
[scoffs.]
You know, the the squirrel-faced guy who gave you the watch.
Ugh! He was weird.
He didn't even want sex, he just wanted to take me to some creepy family dinner.
Did you know there are fondues and fon don'ts? I need you to give me that watch.
Can't.
Some pastor told Alden things were moving too fast between us, so I gave it to Alden as a symbol to take all the time he needed.
You gave it to Schmidt? I thought you were gonna shut that down.
I like him.
He treats me like a lady.
I treat you like a lady.
You bent me over and banged me against a tree.
Yeah, that was hot.
Look, you gotta ask Schmidt for that watch back.
Not a chance.
If you want it so bad, you get it from him.
Is it a watch or a work of art? I'll let you decide.
- Yes, it is very nice.
- Yeah.
Anyway, I was wondering if I could get your advice about some Yeah, yeah, fine, fine, sure, yes.
You have precisely 15 Swiss-measured seconds.
Okay, what would you do if your friend was mad at you for something you did, but they don't know that you did that thing to protect them, - and you can't say that because - W-uh, Madam, no, I noticed you admiring my watch.
This is a gift from a woman much younger than you.
[chuckles.]
[chuckles.]
[dramatic music.]
[scoffs.]
Use your head, Ray.
I can't get you your money if I'm tied up.
[laughs.]
Don't you try to play me like you played Kenny.
What are you talking about? Kenny took advantage of me.
I was just an innocent bystander.
Ah, yeah, I guess if you tell that story enough times, you start to believe it.
I know what you did to him.
What I did to him? That's right.
You talked him into doing the robbery, then made sure that if things went south, he'd take the hit and you'd keep the money.
That what he told you? Did it ever occur to you he was the one telling a story? Eight years I shared a cell with that cat.
He was no liar.
Ray was a psycho, and I knew I had to get him his money soon.
How? I had no idea.
Oh, there you are.
I'm glad you're home, there's somebody here I want you to meet.
[dramatic music.]
Hello, Pastor.
Pastor Buddy Barlow, meet Jasmine Evans.
She is interested in joining our congregation.
- Is that right? - Yes.
I've been waiting to meet you.
I'm not sure how long though, since I lost my watch.
- Do you have one? - Hmm.
I don't.
[laughs.]
Funny enough, I'm gonna get one this afternoon tonight at the latest, because I know exactly where to find the one I've been looking for.
You know where a good place to get a watch is? Krinsky's.
You wouldn't believe it, but they have and incredible selection.
Oh, she is a smart one, Pastor.
- Well.
- You wouldn't want to lose her.
I don't intend to.
[laughs.]
Well, it was nice meeting you both.
Yeah.
Oh, I'd get moving on that watch.
Stores are about to close.
Oh.
[unsettling music.]
I have a good feeling about her.
[door closes.]
[lion growls.]
Come on, Ray, is this really necessary? My wrists are killing me.
So what's the deal with you and the preacher guy? - [sighs.]
- You banging him? - No, he's gay.
- [scoffs.]
You can't move your lips without lying, can you? [sighs.]
Did he kill Kenny? What are you talking about? Kenny killed himself.
Bullshit! You do not do a 12-year stretch to get out and off yourself.
You did it, didn't you? - No, I have no idea - Oh, shut up, bitch.
[dramatic music.]
You know, part of me hopes your pastor friend doesn't show with the cash.
Perfect.
- Yeah.
- We're all set for tomorrow.
Yeah, there's actually been a little change of plans.
Russell oh, thank you.
He dropped out, so it's just gonna be you and me.
Oh.
Okay.
I think we're a better team without him.
[both chuckling.]
I just I can't get over how beautiful you are now.
Oh.
Could you ever see you and me Yes.
[funky music.]
Oh, my God, you are such a good kisser.
All those years of practicing on my pillow really paid off.
Damn! Chelsea.
Wha you said you were getting a divorce.
Someday, if I keep this up.
Ugh! You're disgusting! I cannot wait to tell Chelsea what a sleaze you are.
Go ahead, she knew you in high school.
She'd never believe I would cheat on her with a loser like you.
If I was such a loser, then why were you gonna ask me to prom? Because I lost a bet.
I had to ask the nerdiest girl in school.
That was you, Dorka.
[car door closes.]
Go, get out the back door! No, you know what, I think I'm gonna stick around.
You know, catch up with Chelsea.
No, please don't.
- If she - [car alarm chirps.]
If she finds you here, it could be the last straw.
Please? Okay, fine.
I'm gonna go.
At least one of us has grown up since high school.
[sighs.]
[upbeat music.]
Hi, honey.
He's cheating on you.
Guess I haven't grown up that much.
[dramatic music.]
Schmidt was an older dude, and I didn't want to hurt him, but I had to get that watch.
Put your hands up and no one gets hurt.
Oh.
Oh, someone's getting hurt.
- Hiyah! - [grunts.]
Hiyah! Hiyah! [groans.]
Oh! - Oh! Ha! - [screams.]
Now, let's see what kind of hooligan we're dealing with here, huh? [groaning.]
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! Oh! My watch! Come back here, you Lutheran-hating scum! [sighs.]
Ah! [phone buzzing.]
Yeah? Buddy, Ray says you have an hour to get him his money or he's gonna kill me.
Please hurry! [beeps.]
This watch was worth 50 grand.
I could give it to Ray and save Alexa, or I could give it to Jasmine and save Dora.
I had one hour to decide.
[country music.]
And now, Pastor Barlow from Ladner Trinity will do the traditional blessing of the livestock.
All they saw was a pastor holding a pig, but I had to face them knowing I just sent someone to their death.
Let us pray.
[ominous organ music.]
Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
[sighs.]
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is despair, hope.
For it is in the giving that we receive And it is in the dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.
Now let's go eat some pancakes and bacon.
- [applause.]
- Sorry, dude.
Hey.
So, I owe you an apology.
Listen, I know that you only asked me to prom to protect my feelings.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Sure you don't.
But thank you.
We're still a team, right? You bet we are.
- Huh.
- Hmm.
- [humming.]
- [humming.]
We need a new handshake.
Yeah, that one's real sad.
Yeah.
[upbeat music.]
If your friend hadn't come through with that money, I hate to think what would've happened.
Well, that's all behind us.
Got nothing to worry about now.
[ominous music.]
You with the Bureau? I see why you made detective.
I worked with one of your undercover boys up there in Ladner.
The "pastor.
" What are you talking about? Nothin'.
I said nothin'.
Just tell him I said hi.
Hey, it's Landecker.
Yeah, are we running an undercover op in Ladner that I don't know about?