In Living Color (1990) s02e05 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - In living color And how would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat - And at night it was safeto walk down the street - In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color Everybody here is equally kind Everybody here is equally kind Everybody, everybodyeverybody, everybody - Everybody here is equally kind - In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living c-c-color You can do what you wanna doin living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - In living color You can do what you wanna doin living color Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans.
[Applause.]
Thank you.
Welcome to the show.
- We're gonna have a fun show tonight.
- [Laughing.]
Stop it! There he is! The man in charge.
Hey, black strong.
Give me a hug, man.
Good to see you.
You're doing dynamite work on this little thing you're doing right here.
You don't remember me.
Fred Williamson film retrospective.
I was running the projector.
Don't ask what I was doing there.
Another career.
All right.
You might remember me from Hartford, Connecticut.
.
.
- where we had Ronnie Dyson's party.
- No.
Well, anyway, right now I'm managing a group called Stratus.
There's 19 horns and the rest are drums.
It's a new concept.
We're doing a real hyped-up version of Backstabbers.
He ain't the only one in music.
I got a new single out.
[Wails.]
Enough said, you know? Look here.
I got a quick thing for you.
How can two young, black, strong brothers like myself.
.
.
get into this funky business you do? Wrote a couple scripts, and here's a videotape.
- Go ahead and look at it, brother.
- Give him a business card.
You know, I'm fresh out.
- You know I got one.
Bam! - All right! Don't pay any attention to the name that's on the front, all right? But my number is in purple right there.
You see that? - This one in crayon? - Right.
I'm at my mom's house now.
You can reach me on Boo Boo's beeper.
That's the number.
- Say, "Keenen's calling.
" - Listen, I gotta get on the show.
You know, I have a flat.
You have a jack I can borrow just a minute? And also, wouldn't nobody validate my parking.
Ain't that a blip? - Excuse me! - Ain't that something? - I think I can help both of you.
- Somebody told me about an after-party.
- We're trying to boogie.
- These people will escort you there.
- Security.
- All right! Listen, Keenen, keep it up, man.
All right! [Man.]
KYYTnow presentsa minority affairs program, Black Like You.
Here are your hosts,Tom and Tom.
.
.
the Brothers Brothers.
[Applause.]
All righty! Why, thank you.
- How are ya? I'm Tom.
- Howdy.
We're delighted to host this very worthwhile show.
- What do you say, Tom? - That's right, Tom.
In fact, we've written a very special song just for this show.
- Well, let's kick it off, brother.
- Shall we? [Folk.]
Problems and blacks seem to go hand in hand Wherever they roam in this glorious land We'll help them with customs We'll help them with laws And we'll try to solve all the problems they cause - All righty.
- [Cheering.]
- [Laughs.]
- Oh, stop it.
Stop it! All righty.
Well, let's get started, shall we? Yes, we certainly shall.
Today's guest is a young man who says he was sent to prison for a crime he didn't commit.
Yeah, right.
Well, let's meet him anyway.
Say hello to Mr.
Rajeem Carter.
Come on out, Rajeem.
What's happening, brothers? Is that some sort of karate move there? Well, what's happening is we're doing a show.
So, I mean, let's just cut right to the chase, Raj.
- Right to it.
- Yeah.
What is your beef? All right, first of all, I want to say how glad I am.
.
.
that there's finally a show where we brothers can discuss things.
- Oh, your brother's here? Where's your brother? - Bring your brother out.
- Come on out here.
- I didn't see him backstage.
Yo, yo, man, yo! I'm talking about us three brothers.
I think you're kind of confused.
We're the Brothers Brothers.
You're a black guy who came to complain about something.
Man, I'm not here complaining, see.
I just want people to know how the Man screwed me up.
- The man? What man? - The man? What man? You know, the Man.
.
.
Mr.
Charlie, Bobo.
His legal system has railroaded me, brother.
Well, there's your problem.
Mr.
Charlie Bobo's legal firm.
.
.
hardly sounds like a reputable one to me.
I mean, never trust a manwith the last name "Bobo.
" I mean, would you buy a home from Louie Bobo? I sure wouldn't.
[Laughing.]
Say what? - What.
- What.
Y'all don't even understand, man.
The police arrested me for no reason.
- Come on! - Oh, come on.
The police don't do that.
They're your friends.
They're here to protect and serve.
Well, my friends dragged me out my crib butt naked.
Well, gosh darn it, what the heck were you doing.
.
.
butt naked in the baby's crib? Man, don't y'all understand? Man, I went to prison for eight years.
.
.
and the only thing I learned was how to resole shoes.
Well, gosh darn it, you should be darn happy that you learned a trade.
- You're darn tootin'.
- A trade? Man, nobody wants to get their shoes resoled anymore.
- That's not true.
- Well, heck, I've got a few pair backstage.
You can start on them right after the show.
You can even shine 'em for me.
[Brothers Laughing.]
Shine shoes? Now, what kind of a Tom do you think I am? - There you go again.
- I think he's confused.
We're the Toms.
- You're the angry black guy.
- Right.
You got that right.
You're the biggest Toms I ever seen.
- Why, thank you.
- Thank you very much.
I've been working out a little at the gym.
- Well, actually, Tom Brokaw is bigger than us.
- Yeah, he is.
I guess it's obvious.
Y'all guys, you can't relate to this at all.
Man, I suffered in the joint.
Hey, hey, hey! You don't give us that doohickey nonsense, mister.
- That's right.
I'll say "doohickey" again.
.
.
- Hey, Tom, take it easy.
'Cause I'm outraged! Doohickey, darn it, heck! Now, I want you to know suffering, mister.
When you talk to Tom and Tom, we know suffering.
Tell him about the time in Tahoe, mister.
We flew to Tahoe for a work engagement, mind you.
We had reservations, a confirmation number and got there.
.
.
and only one of our rooms were available.
- We had to share it.
- And needless to say.
.
.
that we were pretty upset behind that.
I had to call my mom.
Lucky it was a suite, huh? Y'all don't even know what time it is, do you? - Sure I do.
7:25.
- Sure I do.
7:25.
I guess you're on C.
P.
Time.
- [Laughing.]
- Can we get away with that? So I suppose y'all think I'm supposed to just move out into the suburbs, man.
.
.
get a nose job, marry some white woman.
.
.
buy a BMW and just totally sell out, right? - That's the spirit! - Yeah.
Maybe you want to put a brim on that hat.
Forget y'all! Well, I guess we showed him how to look at things on the brighter side.
I think we certainly have.
- Tell you what, why don't we sing a song about it? - All righty, brother.
And you know I mean fraternal.
[Folk.]
When you're in trouble just call 911 And right to your doorstep the police will run But if they should cuff you and give you a smack It's because you're guilty Not 'cause you're black - Good-bye.
- Good night, everybody.
Babaloo! [Hip-hop.]
You are strong, you are invincible, you are woman.
Welcome once again to the show by, for and about women.
Go on, girl! All right.
I'm your host, Shiwanda Harvey.
Today's show is going to be a little different.
For the first time, we're going to have men on Go On Girl.
- [Women.]
Ooh.
! - Now hold on, sisters.
These aren't your typical worthless males.
They're sensitive outcasts from their gender.
Let's have a big "Go on, boy" for Gregory Miller and Lionel Baker.
- [Audience.]
Go on, boy.
! - All right.
You two are a rare breed of men.
.
.
almost worthy of sharing this earth with us.
All right.
Gregory, you wrote the book.
.
.
The Man Who HatesMen Who Hate Women.
Tell me, who are these men you hate? Well, Shiwanda, you know the type.
The type of man that picks up a woman, sleeps with her.
.
.
and then splits around 2:00 a.
m.
- Go on, boy.
- Go on, boy.
I figure, you know, why split? Stick around, get some breakfast or something.
Breakfast? I mean, of course, I'd be cooking.
Shiwanda, I don't know what kind of game this guy is trying to play.
.
.
but I think men who have sex without commitment.
.
.
are animals.
- [Audience.]
Go on, boy.
! - Go on, boy.
Commitment, right.
I wasn't even thinking.
You know, sometimes I need a woman stronger than myself.
.
.
to get me back on the right track.
Oh.
I'm strong like that.
[Audience.]
Go on, girl.
! Fine, but a woman shouldn't have to lead a man around by the.
.
.
I mean, a man should take it upon himself to wash the dishes.
.
.
do the laundry and the vacuuming if need be.
- [Audience.]
Go on, boy.
! - That's the kind of man I like.
Well, how do you feel about a man who takes care of children? Oh, yes.
There's something about a man holding dirty diapers in his hands.
Mm-hmm! Makes me just weak in the knees.
Takes care of the children? Excuse me.
I want to have the children.
.
.
as you can see in my book.
.
.
She's Having My Baby.
.
.
Why Can't I? - Go on, boy! - I just want to have a baby so badly.
I want to experience it the natural way.
I'm sorry, Shiwanda.
I didn't mean to get emotional on the show.
Let it go.
It's just that.
.
.
- when I think about the beauty.
.
.
- Mm-hmm.
- Of holding a baby against your breast.
.
.
- Mm-hmm.
- All swelled with milk.
.
.
- Mm-hmm.
And that I'll never know.
.
.
that kind of joy.
- Go on, girl.
- [Audience.]
Go on, girl.
! Breast swelled with milk? What a wuss.
Excuse me? Oh, don't let him get to you, Lionel.
There's nothing at all wrong with having a highly developed feminine sensibility.
Why, some of my best friends are.
.
.
- Shut up.
I'm no wuss, man.
- Oh, yeah? Prove it.
- Oh, now.
.
.
- Last month I slept with 10 women.
- That's nothing to be proud of.
- It sure isn't.
That's an easy afternoon for me, buddy.
Yeah, well, I guess it takes a little longer to get from job to job.
.
.
- when you're moving heavy equipment.
- Oh, yeah? Yeah! Men are all alike.
You know, you two aren't at all sensitive.
You're as bad as all the rest.
I mean, really.
We got books to sell! [Audience.]
Get out, boy.
! - Shut up! - Girlfriends, there you have it.
Now we know what they really think and what they think with.
Uh-huh.
I make you this promise: No more men on Go On Girl.
- Yeah, you love it! - Yeah, you love it! - Good night, everybody.
- [Audience.]
Go on, girl.
! Legally repressing my "ballsitude," I've retracted my "godads" with gigantic proportions.
And the signing of the prohibition, you see.
.
.
defecates the fluids of the tension.
.
.
between the essence of the Euro intercourse, you see.
[Woman.]
A.
T.
+ T.
Allows youto reach out and touch someone.
.
.
even when theydon't get out much.
Right, exactly.
Okay, brother, okay.
- See, all you're doing right now.
.
.
- Uh-huh.
- Is flatulating your liquids, okay.
.
.
- That's pretty good.
- Because I believe it was Homo erectus.
.
.
- Right.
- That said to expose the hemorrhoidal ramification.
.
.
- Uh-huh.
- Would merely delineate the colonic orifice.
.
.
- Ooh! Thereby separating the gluteus from the maximus.
- Well, Homo was very deep.
.
.
- Uh-huh.
- But you seem to masticate the proclamation, my brother.
.
.
- Okay.
Because the gastrointestinal phlebitis.
.
.
- prostigates the "crustation" of the colostomy.
.
.
- Okay.
- If that's your bag.
- Uh-huh, for sure! Right.
And further "hindrant" the pyorrhea, which has.
.
.
- Excuse me? - Uh, you got me, brother.
- The diarrhea.
- Okay.
Moving toward the angina or "bagina".
.
.
- depending on how much time you got.
- Man, you are Metamucil.
I know, I know.
[Woman Singing.]
[Hip-hop.]
All right.
[Laughs.]
Welcome back to the Miss Black Person U.
S.
A.
Beauty Pageant.
.
.
at the Lola Falana Recreational Center.
.
.
in beautiful downtown Motown, Detroit City.
Give yourselves a hand, would ya? All right.
Now, I'm your host, Mr.
Lamar Hightower.
Would you give it up for me? Thank you so much.
Now, we're getting much closer to that very big moment.
But now let's take time to review.
.
.
the swimsuit and talent competition, shall we? Beautiful, aren't they? Give them another hand, y'all.
[Applause.]
Look here, it's time for the talent.
.
.
and these girls have plenty of it.
First up, reciting an original poem entitled "The Butterfly," the Windy City's very own.
.
.
- Zahara Nariba Patterson.
- [Bongo Drumming.]
I.
.
.
am.
.
.
Africa! A tear.
.
.
falls from my.
.
.
[Lamar.]
Next, from the balsa wood capital of America.
.
.
performing an excitingnew rendition of Shaft.
.
.
Charlotte, North Carolina's ownLahonda Watkins.
Give it up.
[Soul.]
[Lamar.]
And finally, performingan original song entitled "I Am Woman," Oaktown, California's ownMiss Alfreda Hill.
I am wo-wo-woman Woman am I Woman are you I look in the mirror and I see woman You look in my eyes and you see woman Woman, woman, woman, woman Feline, feminine fantastical I am wo.
.
.
[Sustaining Note.]
Man All right.
Everybody having fun? I know I am.
All right, y'all.
Look here, we would show y'all the other two contestants' talent segments.
.
.
but since we running out of time and they ain't gonna win anyway, who cares? Now that you know who our final three contestants are.
.
.
- let's get to the judges' questions, shall we? - [Applause.]
If you could run the world, what would you do different? I believe all people are nice.
.
.
even though they get mad sometimes.
My personal hero is someone who never got mad.
.
.
who always turned the other cheek.
.
.
the Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr.
- Thank you.
- All right.
Thank you.
If you were stranded on a desert island.
.
.
- what are the things you'd bring along? - That'll definitely be.
.
.
the teachings of the Reverend Dr.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
! Please define the word "joy.
" Joy, sir? I do not know the meaning of the word.
But the Reverend Martin Luther King did.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you, ladies.
Give 'em a hand, would you? Hey, y'all, guess what time it is.
It's time to announce the winner.
Judges, I don't envy you, but give me the answer.
- [Bongo Drumming.]
- Ooh, I'm nervous.
Our second runner-up.
.
.
Charlotte, North Carolina's own Lahonda Watkins.
[Applause.]
First runner-up, and in the event that something should happen.
.
.
to our new 1990 Miss Black Person U.
S.
A.
.
.
you will, of course, be required to assume the crown.
.
.
Chicago's own Zahara Nariba Patterson.
Ladies and gentlemen, 1990Miss Black Person U.
S.
A.
, Alfreda Hill.
! - Congratulations! - [Shouting.]
Hey, MissBlack Person U.
S.
A.
- You're the finest in the land - [Shouting, Indistinct.]
Hey, MissBlack Person U.
S.
A.
Like a big, sweet honey-glazed ham Brown and lovely Like a bottleof ancient wine Know what you got Just look at that big behind What a bouquetMiss Black Person U.
S.
A.
She's black Ain't no taking her back Thank you very much.
Tommy, you do the honors, man.
Yo, we'll see you next week on In Living Color.
Chillin'! Oh, damn! You can do what you wanna do