It's a Date (2013) s02e05 Episode Script
Should You Date Outside Your Comfort Zone?
# Theme music WOMAN: What the fuck? Allen? ALLEN: Yep, yep, I'll be there.
When it rains, it pours, eh? I have to go.
Thought we had time for a cuppa.
No, something came up at work.
Alright, then.
(Sighs) Is this because of last night? Look, I was very tired.
There's a lot going on at work at the moment.
So, will you be home for dinner? Uh.
Well, no, no.
Gotta stay back late again tonight.
Sorry.
OK, Allen.
MAN, ON TAPE: Hi, Paulina, it's Ray.
Bit tired this morning.
I was up late last night practising karate.
Going for green belt soon! Anyway, I hope you're good.
Oh, thought I had a lead on the holy grail that is the Dennis Lillee Pez dispenser but no, nothing.
You're probably driving now listening to your own personal radio.
(Chuckles) Radio! I know I do that joke every time but it still works, I reckon.
The blokes in the gym have been giving me shit about our hot date for ages.
Bunch of dickheads.
Oh, well.
You know, boys will be boys.
(Bell rings) GUARD: Go through.
I hope I'm not talking too much, Paulina.
It's just that I'm a bit excited about, well, you know.
Means a lot to me that you've driven all this way for, uh, well, you know.
So you're here for a residential visit? Yes.
Yes, I am.
I had another one of those dreams last night.
One where you die at your desk again? That's the one.
Am I in this dream? Yeah, but you were Darth Vader.
What do you think it means? That I've got respiratory issues? No, not your bit, you dickhead, my bit.
The whole dying at the desk bit.
Well, it's obvious, mate.
You've been at this desk for seven years.
You need a change.
Yeah, but I plugged for that purchasing manager position.
You saw me email that off.
(Sighs) That's not applying.
That's just putting yourself in someone's spam box.
Kenny Dodsworthy is going for that job.
Kenny Dodsworthy?! From Maintenance? He baked the Queen a fruitcake last Wednesday.
A ball breaker like Jocelyn's not gonna promote someone from Maintenance just 'cause they made her a fruitcake.
I don't know.
Heard it was very moist.
(Sighs) I bet it was.
You've got to get amongst it.
You don't just put your hand up for a promotion.
Gotta shove it in her face.
Right.
OK? Yep.
Get it so close Thank you.
.
.
she can't escape it.
You can smell what you had for Nicolas.
Thank you.
(Sighs) Ah, there's Her Majesty now.
Here's your chance.
OK.
(Clears throat) Get in there.
I will.
Jocelyn.
Sorry, uh, Ms Jocelyn Taylor Frederikson.
NICOLAS: Very formal.
Yes? Uh, it is, I, Craig Stiegleague.
I work here.
Yes, I know where you work.
How can I help you? Well, recently, I applied for the Purchasing Manager position and I was hoping if I could just swing by your office Swing by? Is that supposed to be a joke? Did you say something funny? Um Too late.
There she is in there now thinking about what I said.
WOMAN, ON TAPE: Hey, Ray.
It's Paulina.
I don't know why I'm whispering.
I live alone.
I could talk in my normal talking voice, I guess.
You know what, I can yell if I want to.
(Shouts) Hi, Ray.
I'm looking forward to our conjugal visit! I know they call them 'residential', but I prefer the old-fashioned 'conjugal'.
She's awesome.
Actually, just on that, there is something I was wanting to raise with you before our visit.
And I probably should have mentioned this to you way earlier, but things have been going so well between us, you know? Who would have thought meeting a bloke at a Pez dispenser fan site would lead to this, hey? Ray, I-I-I-I (Tape plays up) Come on! Oh, hello, I'm just calling in regards to the party that you're throwing tonight.
WOMAN: Oh, the indoor sports party for adults only? Is it too late for me to come along tonight? (Woman laughs) You're a feisty one! Well, tonight's the fundraising party, so it is $200 per head, and you do need to bring a partner.
Oh, really? Um Oh, it's just that my husband's out of town, um He's got an out-of-town orgy, actually, that he has to go to and it's an all-male orgy.
It's a Roman theme, you know, with the togas and the sandals and whatnot, so, look, is it OK if I come on my own? Sorry, darling, it's strictly couples only tonight.
You can come on your lonesome next week, if you like.
Oh.
No, actually, put me down for two.
Excellent! And what is your name, sweetie? Um, Shakira.
Yes, Shakira Matthews.
So, I've got lots of ideas for the restructuring within the new position.
Trivia nights which I thought could raise morale I have a dinner party to go to, and I'd like you to escort me.
Oh.
I'm flattered.
Excellent.
Meet me in the downstairs car park at 6:30.
It's just I know you're married and your husband (Knocking) Excuse me, sorry to I was told to come and see you.
Oh, Mr Dodsworthy, is that another fruitcake? It's a flan, actually.
Oh, a flan.
Well, do you and your flan have plans tonight? I'm coming.
With you.
Tonight, so Shame.
So, here it is.
This is where the magic happens.
It's not exactly The Hyatt, but we do our best.
We aim to please.
Hopefully, Ray will aim to please too.
It's cosy.
There is protection there.
And protection outside of course.
Always ready.
(Laughs) (Laughs) I think we'll be fine.
Well, I'll go and get the man of the hour.
Back in a jiffy.
Is it fancy dress? Get in.
I made a log cake.
(Bed squeaks) (Knock on door) Bit of bad news, Paulina.
The, um, visitors had to be cancelled.
What's going on? It seems that Ray tried to escape.
And they shot him on sight.
What? (Laughs) I'm joking! I'm just having a bit of fun with you.
Come in here, little Ray of sunshine.
Paulina, please say hello to Ray.
Hi, Ray.
Hi, Paulina.
Right, you've, uh You've got three hours.
So, no rush, but don't leave it too long, OK? Uh, have a cuppa, proceed into the foreplay, then the sex act and leave enough time for a cuddle.
I think we can manage from here.
I'm sorry.
I'm terrible at this bit.
I'll get out of your hair.
Uh, Paulina, Ray's a good bloke, but I'm outside if you need me.
(Clears throat) So, this is So This is pretty great.
You're even better in the flesh.
Hope I'm not too, uh, shabby in the face, um You're beautiful, Ray.
Oh, shut up.
So, uh, want a cuppa before we do it? Would you like a tea? Actually, can I get a hug? I'm not used to it, but Feels good.
This feels different to the normal cuddles.
So, Ray, did you get the last CD that I sent you? Yes, and it was a good one.
Did you get mine? Yes, I did.
Um, so, was everything OK with it? Nothing in there that - I don't know - put you off? There was that one thing, and I think you know what I'm talking about.
You didn't tell me you were a Tiger supporter.
(Laughs) Bloody hell.
But I'm being an idiot.
You want a bloody cuppa or not? Sure.
Let's do it.
OK, now, if anyone asks my name, it's Shakira, OK? Shakira Matthews.
Right.
W-what name should I go by? Well, Craig.
Craig, I like it.
Keep it simple.
(Knocking) Hello, come in.
Hello, I'm, um Shakira.
Oh, Shakira Matthews.
Um Oh, I'm Antoinette and this is my husband, Clive.
First timers, yeah? (Speaks indistinctly) Ha! (Giggles) Well, I'm known as Craig so OK.
Um, well, let's show you around, then.
You look ready to rock'n'roll.
Yes.
Keep an eye on this one.
(Laughs) I brought a log cake.
I bet you did.
Oh! Hey, so, you know, if you could only take one Pez dispenser with you somewhere Mm-hmm.
.
.
which one would you take? Could it be from my collection or can I bring the Lillee? Get me the Dennis Lillee.
No, no, no.
Has to be from your collection.
Oh, OK.
It's hard.
It's bloody hard.
It's like trying to pick your favourite child.
(Laughs) Come on.
Harder.
ET.
ET Pez.
What about you? What about you? He-Man.
Really? Yeah.
I know.
It's obvious.
Is it? I'm gonna kiss you now.
I'm gonna bloody kiss ya.
Mate, did you actually listen to all of the CD that I sent you? Yeah, it skipped a bit at the end.
Oh, f Shit! What? What? The equipment in here's dodgy.
There's brands I've never heard of, like Sanyop.
Ray, I need to tell you something.
Can't it wait? I used to be a man.
As if! Well, this is the Jungle Room.
Wow.
What a way to live.
Don't we know it! What do you think, Shakira? Oh, yes, it's, you know, looks like a wonderful room to do all sorts of entertaining.
This is just one of many rooms, sweetie.
You into water sports or? Um, you know, Antoinette, I was just wondering if there might be an Englishman, uh, coming here later tonight? He's about 5'8", bald? Average-sized penis, not Doesn't ring a bell but we can go and take a look? Sure, OK.
Great.
When do we eat? When or who? (Laughs) Clive! Ha! Um, seriously, though, when is dinner? 'Cause I really want to get stuck into this new position with Joce .
.
uh, with Shakira.
What new position? Oh, there's a new position.
That's why I'm here tonight so New position excite you? Yeah, I'm well up for it.
Hang on, are you up for the new position too? You betcha.
(Sighs) Wow.
Got my work cut out for me, then.
(Doorbell rings) (Grunting) Uh! Karate! Uh! Ray, did you hear what I said? Yeah, what? Did you hear what I said? (Grunts) Yes, I did.
Bloody the The whole man thing.
I heard all the man stuff.
You're a man thing, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And what do you think about that? Well, bloody brave, isn't it? Good for you! Bloody It's only a woman.
It's good, it's You know, you get equal pay these days.
You know, equal opportunity in the workplace.
I'm all bloody for that.
(Grunts) You can have bloody babies now, which is good.
You can have babies there.
No, I can't.
I don't have a uterus.
Oh, that's bloody different, isn't it? 'Cause you're like, uh, you're a woman with a penis.
Kind of.
(Grunts) No, I have had the operation, so I'm a woman.
Oh, have ya? So what did they do with the offcuts? Do they give them to the people in reverse? They want to become men? Do they get what you Look, Ray, I'm What you benching these days? What are you doing? I'm punching 140 these days.
(Grunts) I don't bench.
Oh, OK.
You don't.
Right.
So what happens on Say, the Titanic, it's going down.
Where do you get on? What boat? You know, with the women and children or do you, I don't know, do you get on your own little transsexual fun ship? Look, Ray, I've been here before, so I get it, you're in shock.
That is why I sent you the CD, so that you'd know before we got here.
(Sighs) So if you knew before what you know now, would you have even come? (Sighs) I don't know.
I don't know.
Just all scrambled.
OK, look, I'm gonna go outside for a smoke and then you stay here, think of three questions.
You can ask me anything and I'll try and answer them as honestly as I can.
And then we can both decide if this is something that we want to pursue.
OK.
How does that sound? Look, I know that this is strange, but I really hope it works out.
'Cause I really like you.
That and I haven't had sex in a caravan since I was a boy.
Yeah.
What the fuck? # DANCE MUSIC (Laughter) Jocelyn! I mean, Shakira.
Sorry.
Shakira's her name! Don't know why I said 'Jocelyn' That's enough.
Shakira, right.
Um, I thought we could maybe grab a drink, find a spot and have a chat about that new position everyone's up for.
Sorry to interrupt, lovers, but I found your Englishman.
My God, are you sure? Well, he's English and bald.
I think he looks like the actor Jason Statham.
Oh, wow, is Jason Statham here? Now, the Egyptian Room's being used right now, but how about a trip to Mars? Look, I don't know whether you've arranged the seating for dinner but if there's any chance, I'd love to sit next to or near Mr Statham.
Just So, roughly speaking, how many people do you think are up for this new position? Oh, I'd say at least nine or ten of us.
Yep.
Sweet Jesus.
That was quick.
How's it going? Yeah, you know, interesting.
Not what you expected, hey? It never is.
Never is.
I've seen this a thousand times.
I doubt that.
Ready.
Alright, so, legally speaking, what are you? What am I? Well, yeah.
I mean, like, not .
.
a bad way, like From a medical, kind of, biological, anatomical legal perspective, what, what? Alright, so are you asking me about whether or not sleeping with me makes you gay? No It's you.
It's you doing that.
You're the one asking that.
What do you think? What would you answer? Uh, well, I'm a woman, you're a man, as far as I'm aware.
Yeah, but there's no bloody secrets in my tracky dacks.
Right, so then from all of the standpoints, I'm a woman.
Good for you.
Good for you too, I hope.
Yeah.
Well, this is bloody very fun and informative, isn't it? Hm.
Alright.
Question number two - how good is karate out of ten? (Both laugh) Yeah, don't waste your questions, Ray.
Being silly.
Alright, well, you should get this one.
Alright, when do you actually become a lady? Technically, I became a lady when I was 21.
Jeez! When I was 21,I got my sister's Datsun.
The truth is, though, I felt like I was a girl ever since I was born.
I was just in a boy's body.
Like Mrs Doubtfire? You're like Mrs Doubtfire! I've never seen it.
Really?! You've never seen Mrs Doubtfire? And with all of the the stuff.
My God! That's ridi I'm out of here.
Absolutely Everything alright? Yeah.
He's bloody strange, isn't he? He's a strange man.
# POP MUSIC (Muffled music, laughter) (Door opens) MAN: Hello, hello, hello! (Door closes) Shut up! You get naked and get on that bed.
Remember to take your socks off this time.
It's a bit hot, isn't it? Hello, there.
Hi.
I'm Carmel.
Uh, I'm Craig.
(Gasps) Oh, you're the man with the new position everyone's talking about.
Haven't got it yet.
I'll need to have a good crack at it.
Ooh! That's a nice robe.
Is it silk? Why don't you tell me? Uh, yeah, it feels like Why don't you check the tag? Yep, yep, that's silk.
Yeah.
(Laughs) Ooh! (Laughs) So, you have one more question, Ray.
Please, don't make it about how much I can drink or which toilets in a restaurant I use.
Oh, as if! God, who bloody Who would ask that? Believe me, I've had these conversations before but I always give the man a Get Out Of Jail Free card.
That'd be nice.
That would be perfect, actually.
Get Out Of Jail Free card.
Right, not for this, of course, but for actual jail.
It'd be good.
Hey, how do most blokes react? Some stay, most run.
Righto.
So what's your question? (Sighs) Alright! There is one thing.
I've been trying to put it in a gentle kind of way.
I just don't want to come across as a dickhead.
You can ask me anything.
Really? Mm-hmm.
What's it look like down there? (Sighs) Oh, I'm sorry, I'm Look, I'll go.
I'll bugger off.
That was insensitive to your people.
I'm sorry.
I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
Really? (Speaks indistinctly) Oh! Where Oh.
How do they do Modern science is amazing.
That's why you pay attention at school.
That is unbelievable stuff.
That is really, really That's like a bloody It's like a posh front lawn It's just so There's care.
There's been care in there.
Oh That's impressive.
I'm glad.
Oh, goodness me.
What do you What are you thinking I think I could do something with that.
So, what are you gonna do, Ray? You gonna make a break for it? Are you Are you hungry? I've got a log cake.
Oh, a log cake? Is that what you're calling this new position? I tell you what.
I'm gonna wash my hands.
I just think that I was hoping to land a young stud tonight, especially one with a little bit of know-how.
This hand sanitiser is not evaporating.
That's because it's not hand sanitiser, you fool, it's lube.
Bloody hell, who puts lube in a bar? Oh, lube can go anywhere, my dear.
Right, yeah.
(Giggles) (Glass shatters) You want a spark? Well, I'm about to start .
.
a goddamn fire! Wow, lucky I brought my hose.
Oh! (Gasps) What's wrong, love? Craig! JOCELYN: Craig! Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude.
I'm just gonna duck away.
Shakira! Craig! Craig! The door's stuck! Shakira! Craig? Craig! I'm coming! MAN: I'm coming too.
Oh! Craig? Yeah! I can't get through.
There's too much lube on the knob.
Stay there.
I'll be back in a minute! By the way, I don't think we're at a dinner party.
JOCELYN: No shit, Sherlock! Paulina, I really like ya.
OK? The last year getting to know you has been amazing, but I don't know.
Sure.
I get it.
Hey, look, we'll definitely, definitely, you know, keep in contact.
And, you know Yeah.
Maybe I don't know.
Sure.
Little bit of time Unzip my dress.
I've told you, I can't Just do it.
.
.
do this.
Really? Please.
Holy shit! How did you (Whispers) How did you get that in? How do I get it off? Just gently.
Oh! The Lillee! How did you get a Lillee? Is it a knock-off? Goodbye, Ray.
But Shit.
Ah! You alright? Gees! What the hell is going? Oh, my God! I'll take it from here, champ, thank you.
Hey, what's going on? You first-timers turn up spruiking this new position and then you're not sharing the love around.
New position? What new position? Oh, that'll be the No-one expects you to go all BDSM, get your Greek on.
It would be nice if you guys got a little more involved, though.
Look, to be honest, the water sports can be very confronting at first, but if you knuckle down, put you head down and bum up, it can actually be bloody refreshing.
Look, are there any other bald Englishmen here? Perhaps, Shakira, if you're not willing to play with the rest of us, it's best you leave.
I've actually misplaced my jacket.
(Siren wails) So if I could just (Pounding on door) MAN: Open up! We have reason to believe money's been exchanged for sexual services without a licence, making this an illegal brothel.
Jocelyn? Allen! Actually, this is Shakira Matthews.
Who the fuck is this? This is Craig.
Craig? Yes.
Craig.
He's my new purchasing manager.
So congratulations, Craig.
Oh.
Really? Thank you.
Well, congratulations.
First question to you, Jocelyn, may seem like an obvious one.
What are you doing in an illegal brothel? This is not a brothel! This is a fundraiser for a new platypus enclosure at the zoo.
We're all here because we're passionate conservationists! And we enjoy having sex with a variety of people.
Miss Caitlyn! You still have 17 minutes.
Uh, no, we had to wind it up early, unfortunately.
Ray sent me.
He said, 'Can you come back, please?' He is very sorry.
What did he do? How long have we got? I looked at your computer and I am sorry but Things haven't been great between us and I just got a little bit paranoid.
I thought that if I came here, you know, I could see why you weren't Or at least show you Show me what? That you can swing with the best of them? No! Just with you.
I wanted to show YOU that I could be sexy and spontaneous too.
I thought you were bored.
I mean, you're always so tired and I just wanted to wake us up before it's too late.
It's not too late.
Oh, thank God.
(Wolf-whistling) Also, if I can just report a missing jacket.
Just when you get the chance.
RAY: It's what's on the inside that counts.
Pez? Come here.
Whoa! (Laughs) Oh! Should I shut this? That's not the Pez dispenser.
Oh, boy.
(Grunting) MAN: Got yourself in a spot of trouble there, love? Please, hurry.
There we go.
I'm going home to Sweden tomorrow.
Let's not waste any more time.
Would you like to go out to dinner with me? I did save your life.
I do feel responsible for you.
The most spectacular stars appear to be trapped in your eyes.
Shut up, you prat! How you doing? Hey! Wait Ian? Terry? (Gasps) Captions by CSI Australia
When it rains, it pours, eh? I have to go.
Thought we had time for a cuppa.
No, something came up at work.
Alright, then.
(Sighs) Is this because of last night? Look, I was very tired.
There's a lot going on at work at the moment.
So, will you be home for dinner? Uh.
Well, no, no.
Gotta stay back late again tonight.
Sorry.
OK, Allen.
MAN, ON TAPE: Hi, Paulina, it's Ray.
Bit tired this morning.
I was up late last night practising karate.
Going for green belt soon! Anyway, I hope you're good.
Oh, thought I had a lead on the holy grail that is the Dennis Lillee Pez dispenser but no, nothing.
You're probably driving now listening to your own personal radio.
(Chuckles) Radio! I know I do that joke every time but it still works, I reckon.
The blokes in the gym have been giving me shit about our hot date for ages.
Bunch of dickheads.
Oh, well.
You know, boys will be boys.
(Bell rings) GUARD: Go through.
I hope I'm not talking too much, Paulina.
It's just that I'm a bit excited about, well, you know.
Means a lot to me that you've driven all this way for, uh, well, you know.
So you're here for a residential visit? Yes.
Yes, I am.
I had another one of those dreams last night.
One where you die at your desk again? That's the one.
Am I in this dream? Yeah, but you were Darth Vader.
What do you think it means? That I've got respiratory issues? No, not your bit, you dickhead, my bit.
The whole dying at the desk bit.
Well, it's obvious, mate.
You've been at this desk for seven years.
You need a change.
Yeah, but I plugged for that purchasing manager position.
You saw me email that off.
(Sighs) That's not applying.
That's just putting yourself in someone's spam box.
Kenny Dodsworthy is going for that job.
Kenny Dodsworthy?! From Maintenance? He baked the Queen a fruitcake last Wednesday.
A ball breaker like Jocelyn's not gonna promote someone from Maintenance just 'cause they made her a fruitcake.
I don't know.
Heard it was very moist.
(Sighs) I bet it was.
You've got to get amongst it.
You don't just put your hand up for a promotion.
Gotta shove it in her face.
Right.
OK? Yep.
Get it so close Thank you.
.
.
she can't escape it.
You can smell what you had for Nicolas.
Thank you.
(Sighs) Ah, there's Her Majesty now.
Here's your chance.
OK.
(Clears throat) Get in there.
I will.
Jocelyn.
Sorry, uh, Ms Jocelyn Taylor Frederikson.
NICOLAS: Very formal.
Yes? Uh, it is, I, Craig Stiegleague.
I work here.
Yes, I know where you work.
How can I help you? Well, recently, I applied for the Purchasing Manager position and I was hoping if I could just swing by your office Swing by? Is that supposed to be a joke? Did you say something funny? Um Too late.
There she is in there now thinking about what I said.
WOMAN, ON TAPE: Hey, Ray.
It's Paulina.
I don't know why I'm whispering.
I live alone.
I could talk in my normal talking voice, I guess.
You know what, I can yell if I want to.
(Shouts) Hi, Ray.
I'm looking forward to our conjugal visit! I know they call them 'residential', but I prefer the old-fashioned 'conjugal'.
She's awesome.
Actually, just on that, there is something I was wanting to raise with you before our visit.
And I probably should have mentioned this to you way earlier, but things have been going so well between us, you know? Who would have thought meeting a bloke at a Pez dispenser fan site would lead to this, hey? Ray, I-I-I-I (Tape plays up) Come on! Oh, hello, I'm just calling in regards to the party that you're throwing tonight.
WOMAN: Oh, the indoor sports party for adults only? Is it too late for me to come along tonight? (Woman laughs) You're a feisty one! Well, tonight's the fundraising party, so it is $200 per head, and you do need to bring a partner.
Oh, really? Um Oh, it's just that my husband's out of town, um He's got an out-of-town orgy, actually, that he has to go to and it's an all-male orgy.
It's a Roman theme, you know, with the togas and the sandals and whatnot, so, look, is it OK if I come on my own? Sorry, darling, it's strictly couples only tonight.
You can come on your lonesome next week, if you like.
Oh.
No, actually, put me down for two.
Excellent! And what is your name, sweetie? Um, Shakira.
Yes, Shakira Matthews.
So, I've got lots of ideas for the restructuring within the new position.
Trivia nights which I thought could raise morale I have a dinner party to go to, and I'd like you to escort me.
Oh.
I'm flattered.
Excellent.
Meet me in the downstairs car park at 6:30.
It's just I know you're married and your husband (Knocking) Excuse me, sorry to I was told to come and see you.
Oh, Mr Dodsworthy, is that another fruitcake? It's a flan, actually.
Oh, a flan.
Well, do you and your flan have plans tonight? I'm coming.
With you.
Tonight, so Shame.
So, here it is.
This is where the magic happens.
It's not exactly The Hyatt, but we do our best.
We aim to please.
Hopefully, Ray will aim to please too.
It's cosy.
There is protection there.
And protection outside of course.
Always ready.
(Laughs) (Laughs) I think we'll be fine.
Well, I'll go and get the man of the hour.
Back in a jiffy.
Is it fancy dress? Get in.
I made a log cake.
(Bed squeaks) (Knock on door) Bit of bad news, Paulina.
The, um, visitors had to be cancelled.
What's going on? It seems that Ray tried to escape.
And they shot him on sight.
What? (Laughs) I'm joking! I'm just having a bit of fun with you.
Come in here, little Ray of sunshine.
Paulina, please say hello to Ray.
Hi, Ray.
Hi, Paulina.
Right, you've, uh You've got three hours.
So, no rush, but don't leave it too long, OK? Uh, have a cuppa, proceed into the foreplay, then the sex act and leave enough time for a cuddle.
I think we can manage from here.
I'm sorry.
I'm terrible at this bit.
I'll get out of your hair.
Uh, Paulina, Ray's a good bloke, but I'm outside if you need me.
(Clears throat) So, this is So This is pretty great.
You're even better in the flesh.
Hope I'm not too, uh, shabby in the face, um You're beautiful, Ray.
Oh, shut up.
So, uh, want a cuppa before we do it? Would you like a tea? Actually, can I get a hug? I'm not used to it, but Feels good.
This feels different to the normal cuddles.
So, Ray, did you get the last CD that I sent you? Yes, and it was a good one.
Did you get mine? Yes, I did.
Um, so, was everything OK with it? Nothing in there that - I don't know - put you off? There was that one thing, and I think you know what I'm talking about.
You didn't tell me you were a Tiger supporter.
(Laughs) Bloody hell.
But I'm being an idiot.
You want a bloody cuppa or not? Sure.
Let's do it.
OK, now, if anyone asks my name, it's Shakira, OK? Shakira Matthews.
Right.
W-what name should I go by? Well, Craig.
Craig, I like it.
Keep it simple.
(Knocking) Hello, come in.
Hello, I'm, um Shakira.
Oh, Shakira Matthews.
Um Oh, I'm Antoinette and this is my husband, Clive.
First timers, yeah? (Speaks indistinctly) Ha! (Giggles) Well, I'm known as Craig so OK.
Um, well, let's show you around, then.
You look ready to rock'n'roll.
Yes.
Keep an eye on this one.
(Laughs) I brought a log cake.
I bet you did.
Oh! Hey, so, you know, if you could only take one Pez dispenser with you somewhere Mm-hmm.
.
.
which one would you take? Could it be from my collection or can I bring the Lillee? Get me the Dennis Lillee.
No, no, no.
Has to be from your collection.
Oh, OK.
It's hard.
It's bloody hard.
It's like trying to pick your favourite child.
(Laughs) Come on.
Harder.
ET.
ET Pez.
What about you? What about you? He-Man.
Really? Yeah.
I know.
It's obvious.
Is it? I'm gonna kiss you now.
I'm gonna bloody kiss ya.
Mate, did you actually listen to all of the CD that I sent you? Yeah, it skipped a bit at the end.
Oh, f Shit! What? What? The equipment in here's dodgy.
There's brands I've never heard of, like Sanyop.
Ray, I need to tell you something.
Can't it wait? I used to be a man.
As if! Well, this is the Jungle Room.
Wow.
What a way to live.
Don't we know it! What do you think, Shakira? Oh, yes, it's, you know, looks like a wonderful room to do all sorts of entertaining.
This is just one of many rooms, sweetie.
You into water sports or? Um, you know, Antoinette, I was just wondering if there might be an Englishman, uh, coming here later tonight? He's about 5'8", bald? Average-sized penis, not Doesn't ring a bell but we can go and take a look? Sure, OK.
Great.
When do we eat? When or who? (Laughs) Clive! Ha! Um, seriously, though, when is dinner? 'Cause I really want to get stuck into this new position with Joce .
.
uh, with Shakira.
What new position? Oh, there's a new position.
That's why I'm here tonight so New position excite you? Yeah, I'm well up for it.
Hang on, are you up for the new position too? You betcha.
(Sighs) Wow.
Got my work cut out for me, then.
(Doorbell rings) (Grunting) Uh! Karate! Uh! Ray, did you hear what I said? Yeah, what? Did you hear what I said? (Grunts) Yes, I did.
Bloody the The whole man thing.
I heard all the man stuff.
You're a man thing, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And what do you think about that? Well, bloody brave, isn't it? Good for you! Bloody It's only a woman.
It's good, it's You know, you get equal pay these days.
You know, equal opportunity in the workplace.
I'm all bloody for that.
(Grunts) You can have bloody babies now, which is good.
You can have babies there.
No, I can't.
I don't have a uterus.
Oh, that's bloody different, isn't it? 'Cause you're like, uh, you're a woman with a penis.
Kind of.
(Grunts) No, I have had the operation, so I'm a woman.
Oh, have ya? So what did they do with the offcuts? Do they give them to the people in reverse? They want to become men? Do they get what you Look, Ray, I'm What you benching these days? What are you doing? I'm punching 140 these days.
(Grunts) I don't bench.
Oh, OK.
You don't.
Right.
So what happens on Say, the Titanic, it's going down.
Where do you get on? What boat? You know, with the women and children or do you, I don't know, do you get on your own little transsexual fun ship? Look, Ray, I've been here before, so I get it, you're in shock.
That is why I sent you the CD, so that you'd know before we got here.
(Sighs) So if you knew before what you know now, would you have even come? (Sighs) I don't know.
I don't know.
Just all scrambled.
OK, look, I'm gonna go outside for a smoke and then you stay here, think of three questions.
You can ask me anything and I'll try and answer them as honestly as I can.
And then we can both decide if this is something that we want to pursue.
OK.
How does that sound? Look, I know that this is strange, but I really hope it works out.
'Cause I really like you.
That and I haven't had sex in a caravan since I was a boy.
Yeah.
What the fuck? # DANCE MUSIC (Laughter) Jocelyn! I mean, Shakira.
Sorry.
Shakira's her name! Don't know why I said 'Jocelyn' That's enough.
Shakira, right.
Um, I thought we could maybe grab a drink, find a spot and have a chat about that new position everyone's up for.
Sorry to interrupt, lovers, but I found your Englishman.
My God, are you sure? Well, he's English and bald.
I think he looks like the actor Jason Statham.
Oh, wow, is Jason Statham here? Now, the Egyptian Room's being used right now, but how about a trip to Mars? Look, I don't know whether you've arranged the seating for dinner but if there's any chance, I'd love to sit next to or near Mr Statham.
Just So, roughly speaking, how many people do you think are up for this new position? Oh, I'd say at least nine or ten of us.
Yep.
Sweet Jesus.
That was quick.
How's it going? Yeah, you know, interesting.
Not what you expected, hey? It never is.
Never is.
I've seen this a thousand times.
I doubt that.
Ready.
Alright, so, legally speaking, what are you? What am I? Well, yeah.
I mean, like, not .
.
a bad way, like From a medical, kind of, biological, anatomical legal perspective, what, what? Alright, so are you asking me about whether or not sleeping with me makes you gay? No It's you.
It's you doing that.
You're the one asking that.
What do you think? What would you answer? Uh, well, I'm a woman, you're a man, as far as I'm aware.
Yeah, but there's no bloody secrets in my tracky dacks.
Right, so then from all of the standpoints, I'm a woman.
Good for you.
Good for you too, I hope.
Yeah.
Well, this is bloody very fun and informative, isn't it? Hm.
Alright.
Question number two - how good is karate out of ten? (Both laugh) Yeah, don't waste your questions, Ray.
Being silly.
Alright, well, you should get this one.
Alright, when do you actually become a lady? Technically, I became a lady when I was 21.
Jeez! When I was 21,I got my sister's Datsun.
The truth is, though, I felt like I was a girl ever since I was born.
I was just in a boy's body.
Like Mrs Doubtfire? You're like Mrs Doubtfire! I've never seen it.
Really?! You've never seen Mrs Doubtfire? And with all of the the stuff.
My God! That's ridi I'm out of here.
Absolutely Everything alright? Yeah.
He's bloody strange, isn't he? He's a strange man.
# POP MUSIC (Muffled music, laughter) (Door opens) MAN: Hello, hello, hello! (Door closes) Shut up! You get naked and get on that bed.
Remember to take your socks off this time.
It's a bit hot, isn't it? Hello, there.
Hi.
I'm Carmel.
Uh, I'm Craig.
(Gasps) Oh, you're the man with the new position everyone's talking about.
Haven't got it yet.
I'll need to have a good crack at it.
Ooh! That's a nice robe.
Is it silk? Why don't you tell me? Uh, yeah, it feels like Why don't you check the tag? Yep, yep, that's silk.
Yeah.
(Laughs) Ooh! (Laughs) So, you have one more question, Ray.
Please, don't make it about how much I can drink or which toilets in a restaurant I use.
Oh, as if! God, who bloody Who would ask that? Believe me, I've had these conversations before but I always give the man a Get Out Of Jail Free card.
That'd be nice.
That would be perfect, actually.
Get Out Of Jail Free card.
Right, not for this, of course, but for actual jail.
It'd be good.
Hey, how do most blokes react? Some stay, most run.
Righto.
So what's your question? (Sighs) Alright! There is one thing.
I've been trying to put it in a gentle kind of way.
I just don't want to come across as a dickhead.
You can ask me anything.
Really? Mm-hmm.
What's it look like down there? (Sighs) Oh, I'm sorry, I'm Look, I'll go.
I'll bugger off.
That was insensitive to your people.
I'm sorry.
I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
Really? (Speaks indistinctly) Oh! Where Oh.
How do they do Modern science is amazing.
That's why you pay attention at school.
That is unbelievable stuff.
That is really, really That's like a bloody It's like a posh front lawn It's just so There's care.
There's been care in there.
Oh That's impressive.
I'm glad.
Oh, goodness me.
What do you What are you thinking I think I could do something with that.
So, what are you gonna do, Ray? You gonna make a break for it? Are you Are you hungry? I've got a log cake.
Oh, a log cake? Is that what you're calling this new position? I tell you what.
I'm gonna wash my hands.
I just think that I was hoping to land a young stud tonight, especially one with a little bit of know-how.
This hand sanitiser is not evaporating.
That's because it's not hand sanitiser, you fool, it's lube.
Bloody hell, who puts lube in a bar? Oh, lube can go anywhere, my dear.
Right, yeah.
(Giggles) (Glass shatters) You want a spark? Well, I'm about to start .
.
a goddamn fire! Wow, lucky I brought my hose.
Oh! (Gasps) What's wrong, love? Craig! JOCELYN: Craig! Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude.
I'm just gonna duck away.
Shakira! Craig! Craig! The door's stuck! Shakira! Craig? Craig! I'm coming! MAN: I'm coming too.
Oh! Craig? Yeah! I can't get through.
There's too much lube on the knob.
Stay there.
I'll be back in a minute! By the way, I don't think we're at a dinner party.
JOCELYN: No shit, Sherlock! Paulina, I really like ya.
OK? The last year getting to know you has been amazing, but I don't know.
Sure.
I get it.
Hey, look, we'll definitely, definitely, you know, keep in contact.
And, you know Yeah.
Maybe I don't know.
Sure.
Little bit of time Unzip my dress.
I've told you, I can't Just do it.
.
.
do this.
Really? Please.
Holy shit! How did you (Whispers) How did you get that in? How do I get it off? Just gently.
Oh! The Lillee! How did you get a Lillee? Is it a knock-off? Goodbye, Ray.
But Shit.
Ah! You alright? Gees! What the hell is going? Oh, my God! I'll take it from here, champ, thank you.
Hey, what's going on? You first-timers turn up spruiking this new position and then you're not sharing the love around.
New position? What new position? Oh, that'll be the No-one expects you to go all BDSM, get your Greek on.
It would be nice if you guys got a little more involved, though.
Look, to be honest, the water sports can be very confronting at first, but if you knuckle down, put you head down and bum up, it can actually be bloody refreshing.
Look, are there any other bald Englishmen here? Perhaps, Shakira, if you're not willing to play with the rest of us, it's best you leave.
I've actually misplaced my jacket.
(Siren wails) So if I could just (Pounding on door) MAN: Open up! We have reason to believe money's been exchanged for sexual services without a licence, making this an illegal brothel.
Jocelyn? Allen! Actually, this is Shakira Matthews.
Who the fuck is this? This is Craig.
Craig? Yes.
Craig.
He's my new purchasing manager.
So congratulations, Craig.
Oh.
Really? Thank you.
Well, congratulations.
First question to you, Jocelyn, may seem like an obvious one.
What are you doing in an illegal brothel? This is not a brothel! This is a fundraiser for a new platypus enclosure at the zoo.
We're all here because we're passionate conservationists! And we enjoy having sex with a variety of people.
Miss Caitlyn! You still have 17 minutes.
Uh, no, we had to wind it up early, unfortunately.
Ray sent me.
He said, 'Can you come back, please?' He is very sorry.
What did he do? How long have we got? I looked at your computer and I am sorry but Things haven't been great between us and I just got a little bit paranoid.
I thought that if I came here, you know, I could see why you weren't Or at least show you Show me what? That you can swing with the best of them? No! Just with you.
I wanted to show YOU that I could be sexy and spontaneous too.
I thought you were bored.
I mean, you're always so tired and I just wanted to wake us up before it's too late.
It's not too late.
Oh, thank God.
(Wolf-whistling) Also, if I can just report a missing jacket.
Just when you get the chance.
RAY: It's what's on the inside that counts.
Pez? Come here.
Whoa! (Laughs) Oh! Should I shut this? That's not the Pez dispenser.
Oh, boy.
(Grunting) MAN: Got yourself in a spot of trouble there, love? Please, hurry.
There we go.
I'm going home to Sweden tomorrow.
Let's not waste any more time.
Would you like to go out to dinner with me? I did save your life.
I do feel responsible for you.
The most spectacular stars appear to be trapped in your eyes.
Shut up, you prat! How you doing? Hey! Wait Ian? Terry? (Gasps) Captions by CSI Australia