It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s02e05 Episode Script

I think what Mac's trying to say is that it's probably the greatest movie of all time.
That's 'cause it is.
Rocky IV is not the greatest movie of all time.
Dee, what do you consider to be a good movie? - I don't know, like, Million Dollar Baby - Oh, come on.
- Are you kidding me? That is ridiculous.
- Come on.
It won an Oscar.
Rocky IV has Stallone in it and he bashes a Russian's face to all smithereens.
Lifting anvils and shit, and pulling trucks through the snow.
Million Dollar Baby is totally unrealistic.
- Girls can't fight.
They don't have muscles.
- It's true.
Okay, that is a horribly sexist thing to say.
It's not sexist.
It's just truthful.
Girls can't pull trucks through snow.
- Can you pull trucks through snow? - I absolutely could.
- You can barely walk in the snow.
- Excuse me.
Time out.
Is the truck parked in neutral? - Hey! - What, dude? Empty your pockets.
- Now.
- Okay.
Hey, let's just all stay calm.
Nice friends.
Maybe one to two inches of snow? - One to two inches - And a Ford F-150.
Right.
In park, but no emergency brake.
Maybe I could pull it four feet.
- I'd give him four feet.
- I'd give him five.
What's with the gym bag? Just got back from a "Boxercise" class at the gym.
"Boxercise"? What kind of queer shit is that? - I'm learning self-defense.
- You wanna learn self-defense, you come to Daddy.
I mean, all during the '60s, before I met my whore wife, I was a boxer.
They called me Frankie Fast Hands.
Frankie Fast Hands, everybody.
Yeah, keep livin' in the past, Dad.
Is this about that stupid Million Dollar Baby movie, Dee? No, actually, Mac, it's about being left with a mugger because my chickenshit brother and his friends ditched me.
- You ditched your sister? - Absolutely.
- With a mugger - The guy had a knife.
Of course we did.
What were we supposed to do? If I was there, I would have used my Frankie Fast Hands technique.
Technique don't mean shit out on the streets.
Guys have knives.
Yeah.
In boxing, there are rules.
On the streets, we ain't got no rules.
Ain't no rules out on the streets.
- You guys got no rules on the streets, you.
- Oh, please.
Will you stop talking about the streets you three jackasses, like you've been there? I mean, any underground street fight in Philadelphia, you'd find tons of technique.
- You think you could teach me? - In a month I'll have you kicking all their asses.
Right.
See you then.
Dennis, I have an idea.
- Well, this is awesome.
- Yeah.
This is amazing.
There's blood everywhere.
It's beautiful.
Yeah, and we were totally right.
These guys don't have technique.
They get all cranked up like animals and beat the Christ out of each other.
Look at all this money being thrown around.
- Dude, we gotta get in on this.
- Oh, yeah.
- Really, I think it's about who can take the biggest beating.
- Yeah.
Get up! You know who can take a really good beating? - Charlie.
- Charlie.
Here she is The old gym.
Smell that? - That's the smell of hard work.
- And feet.
That's the smell of big dreams.
The smell of glory.
- It smells like feet.
- And feet.
Does smell like feet.
- Frank? - Oh, shit.
Frankie Fast Hands! - Holy crap.
I knew it was you.
I haven't seen you in years.
Hey-Hey-Hey, Frankie, it's me.
Bobby Thunderson.
- Yes.
Yes.
Yes, Bobby.
- Look at you! You really let yourself go.
Oh-Oh, are you trying to get back into fighting form? No, I'm actually, uh, teaching my daughter some self-defense.
Holy Holy shit, man.
I'm training my daughter too.
Hey, what do you know? Hey, look at her.
Look at her over there.
Look, look, look.
Oh! Amazing.
Hey, she's pretty too, huh? Like her old man, huh? - Well, it's really nice seeing you, Bob.
- Yeah.
Hey, don't listen to everything this guy tells you.
You don't wanna get knocked out in the first round.
Oh, my God, that's an annoying sound he makes.
- Ass hole.
- Yeah, asshole.
Okay, don't listen to anything he says.
He's a real creep.
All right, now.
Here, we're gonna start weight training.
First things first Squats.
Okay.
That's it.
Uh, that looks really heavy.
Look.
This is not gonna be a half-assed workout.
We gotta really get into it.
It's gonna hurt.
- Yeah, but I can't lift that.
- Just position yourself under the bar and listen to me.
Here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna take all the weight on your neck.
Then you're gonna jam your legs down and hyperextend your ankles and then shoot back up and lock your knees in place.
Not one of those things sounds right to me at all.
Look.
You wanna fight like a man? You gotta train like a man.
Now, come on.
Gimme a squat.
- Ready.
Go! - Oh, my God! - Go.
Keep it up.
- Daddy, I can't.
- It's I can't.
- Keep it up.
Keep it up.
At least I got the one.
Right? Yeah.
Get out, get out, get out.
We got a lot of work to do.
Good, good.
- Ah! - Mm-hmm.
What are we doing? Charlie, you're, like, the toughest guy we know.
- Yeah? - So nobody can kick your ass, right? - Practically invincible.
- Yeah.
Yeah, what's your point though? Well So here's what's gonna happen, pal.
Dennis and I are gonna train you to be an underground street fighter.
What? That is brilliant.
- Yeah, it is.
- Okay, what's the first step? - First step is getting that shirt off.
- Yeah, let's get that shirt off.
- Why would I do that? - That shirt's just gonna weigh you down.
Yeah, and Rocky never wears a shirt when he trains so let's just go ahead and rip that bad boy off.
I think I'm gonna wear it.
That's ridiculous.
You can't train and wear a shirt, dude.
Now it's becoming this whole big thing.
It feels a little gay.
- It's not gay.
Just take your shirt off.
- It's not gay.
Why can't I just get, like, all excited and passionately rip it off in the moment? - Why can't you just take your shirt off for us? - Just drop it for now.
All right, all right.
Uh, maybe you should punch something.
- There you go.
- Yeah, you should punch something Why don't you punch this board? Okay.
Hold it steady for me.
- Watch your eyes.
- All right, come on.
Oh! Oh, that's - That looks like it stings.
- Oh, my God.
- What's that made out of? - It's a board, so it's, you know, made out of wood.
- It's, like, particle board.
- It's, like, harder than wood, dude.
- No.
- It's actually softer than wood.
- Yeah, it's a lot softer than wood.
- Petrified wood.
- What happened, man? I thought you were - I don't know.
- I wasn't drunk enough.
- You should be drunk for this.
- We should all be drunk for this.
- Let's get really drunk.
- All right.
- Yeah.
You know what? I'll get some beers.
- Come with me.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Let him go.
- Mmm.
- I don't know what happened.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
- Mmm.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Deandra, we've been at this for days now.
It's like you have no motor skills.
Just grab that bar and jerk it down behind your neck.
Hey! How's the chip off the old block doin'? - Bobby, not now, okay? - Hey, your old man ever tell you how we fought back in '61? They billed it as "Beauty Versus the Beast.
" Wasn't much of a fight.
First-round knockout.
- He went down like a - Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on a second.
What's goin' on with you, Thunderson? What, are you trying to humiliate me? Uh, I think you did that to yourself 40 years ago.
You know damn well you hit me after the bell.
- That was a cheap shot.
- What are you You know, excuses are like assholes.
Everybody's got one, and they all stink.
- Oh, yeah? You wanna go at it right now? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You wanna settle this now? Let's do it right here.
Let's settle this son of a bitch right here.
Hey, hey.
Take it easy here.
Jesus.
Show a little class, will ya? Geez.
Look, I'm an old man.
I don't fight no more.
I let my daughter do my fighting for me.
And maybe in a couple years, when this little graham cracker might have the stuff to compete, maybe we'll see.
Wait.
You know what, asshole? Why don't you go to hell? - Dee, stay out of this.
- No.
This guy has been all over us since we walked in.
I tell you what, jerk.
Why don't you take you big mouth and go someplace else with it? Listen, little buttercup, I'm just bustin' your old man's balls.
- You don't have to get your panties in an uproar.
- Oh, my God.
Are you standing there? Come on, move.
- That guy is such an asshole.
- Don't blame it on him.
You're not makin' any progress.
I'm goin' to get the jump rope.
- Men are such pricks.
- Oh, tell me about it.
I bet you're real tired of them pushing you around.
Oh, God, you have no idea.
If only there was a way that you could be physically tough enough to intimidate men.
I'm sorry.
Do I know you? Let's just say I provide a much-needed service around this place.
Step into the shadows and, uh, we'll talk.
Yeah? Mac and Dennis, dude.
Open the door.
- What? - It's Mac and Dennis.
Open the door.
Open the door, bro.
All right, guys.
Hang on a second.
It's like, uh It's like 11:00 in the morning here.
- We don't care.
Open the door.
- Surprise, bitch.
You're hittin' me with that? Charlie, let's be honest.
Punching boards isn't your thing.
- But that's okay.
- Yes, that's okay, because for you it's not gonna be about inflicting punishment it's gonna be about having punishment inflicted upon you.
- We need to smash things all over your body.
- Yes! - No.
- Yes.
- We need to build up your tolerance to beatings.
- Hence the smashing.
- We used a trash can, but Dennis wanted to use a chair.
- I think he's ready.
- That's way too excessive at this point.
- That guy's ready.
- He's not ready for a chair.
- I'm tellin' you, he's ready.
Hey! Guys! I can handle a chair.
Go get a chair.
See what you're doing to him? You're getting him all worked up.
- He's the toughest guy we know.
- Yes, he is, but he Hey, Mac! Get a chair, smash it on my back.
That's the right attitude.
He's got the right attitude.
I'll tell you what.
Charlie, go put on those little short-shorts.
- Let's take things to the next level.
- Yeah.
- But first things first.
Let's get good and drunk.
- Let's get drunk! - Whoa! - Whoa! Whoo! Drink this.
Drink this.
Now, just to be clear, these aren't steroids, right? No, no, no, no.
Of course not.
These are performance-enhancing supplements.
Okay, so how long before I start to notice something? This is the good stuff.
You'll feel it almost immediately.
But I should warn you, you may experience some mood swings some irrational thinking here and there but it is nothing compared to the long-term effects.
- Which are what? - You ever punched a guy so hard in the eye he swallowed it? I'll get some water.
- How you feel, man? You drunk? - Yeah.
I'm pretty wasted.
- Great.
So what do we smash first? - I wanna smash a crate.
- Yeah, a crate on his back.
- Why don't you punch me? - Punch you? Punch you? - What? I'm probably gonna get punched a lot in the tournament, right? - Yeah.
All right.
- Okay, that's a good point.
- Let's punch him.
- Pop that shirt off, and we'll start punching.
- Oh, my God.
Really? - Yeah, man.
Every time I'm gonna take - Why can't you just take it off? - Just take it off.
- You're ruining the moment.
- What is with you and the moment? You know what? Forget it.
Forget it.
- Who do you want to punch you first? - I don't care.
- That was good.
- Well, you caught me off guard.
That was a big part of it.
- That was the same spot.
The same, exact spot.
- Yeah.
Charlie, if we keep this up, you're gonna be the best underground street fighter ever, bro.
- Okay.
Okay.
Deandra.
- Just 10 more minutes.
- No, no.
That's it.
Dee, that's - I love it.
I need more of it.
It's dangerous.
Enough.
Enough.
Come on, what the hell has gotten into you the last couple of days? What the hell is that supposed to mean? You think I can't do this by myself? You think I'm on something? - "On something"? - Yeah.
- I never said you were on something.
- Then don't.
Don't start.
Hey, now we're talkin' here.
She's a killer.
You're goddamn right I'm a killer.
You look like a Holocaust victim in pageant makeup.
- I will eat your babies, bitch.
- Bring it! - Nobody's eating babies.
- Hey, you lookin' to spar, little girl? - No.
No fight.
She's not ready.
- Oh, I'm ready.
- No, you're not ready.
- I'm ready! Let me eat her babies.
- What about next Friday, huh? - Yeah.
How's Friday? - You're crazy.
- How's Friday to you? What's the matter, "Frankie Fat Hands"? - You're afraid she's gonna get knocked out just like you did? - Hey! - Get this lion off of me here.
- No! No! You stop it.
This is my fight.
Do you understand me? I'm sick of men getting in my way.
This is my fight.
You hear me? - You hear what I'm saying? - Maybe we should leave these two alone, huh? Okay.
We'll see you next Friday, huh? "Beauty Versus the Beast II.
" Come on, Brianna.
Here we go.
- You're not ready for this fight.
- Oh, I have an idea, Dad.
Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face and hold the bag? I'm gonna paralyze this bitch.
Yes, Dad, I know the fight is in a few hours, all right? I'm trying to find my goddamn headband.
Is that okay? Is it okay with you if I find my headband before I come down there? Is that all right with you, Dad? Jesus! Why didn't we get the orange one like I said? This one might as well be goddamn camouflaged! Oh, good.
Are you happy now? I just punched a hole in my wall! Are you sure you're okay, dude? No, I'm not.
I start thinking, you know, and it makes It makes me so angry.
What am I saying? Okay.
Were gonna go We're gonna go sign you up for the fight.
- Yes! - And you stay here and eat your eggs.
Have the Have Make sure you eat some of the sandwich.
- Yeah, you can just meet us down there, all right? - Can you meet us later? Meet you later? Can I meet you later? - Are you gonna meet us? - Yes, I'm gonna meet you there later! All right.
All right, sign here, here and here.
And what is this? These are waiver forms in case your fighter is seriously injured or killed.
Oh, we don't care about that.
Sign away.
- What's the, uh, fighter's name? - Clown Baby.
- Clown Ba Clown Baby? - Yeah.
- You mean like a baby clown? - Not a baby clown.
A clown ba It's like a baby It's like a clown that is a baby.
- I said cl clown baby.
- Mm-mmm.
You said baby clown.
- I don't even care.
- Yep.
"Clown Baby"? What in the hell kind of a name is Clown Baby? Bro, it's perfect.
Nobody's gonna bet on a guy named Clown Baby.
He's gonna be a huge underdog.
- Which means we stand to make even more money off him.
- Exactly.
- Oh, that's brilliant.
- Hey, pal, 500 bucks on Clown Baby.
Oh, Dennis.
500? That's all we got, dude.
You saw Charlie.
We turned that kid into an animal.
Oh, yeah? Call me a Holocaust victim? Say you're prettier than me? Okay, maybe that part might be a little bit true.
We'll see how pretty you are as soon as I punch a hole in your Wha Where the he Who took my shit? I might have had some.
What did you just say, you little bitch? I might have had some of your pills or whatever.
Oh, yeah? I am gonna punch a hole through your face.
I'd like to see you try that.
Yeah? - Ooh, you're gonna die! - Oh, I am gonna rip your face off - You're gonna die! - Make a shirt out of it, and I'm gonna wear it.
I'm gonna take one second to take my shirt off, and then you're gonna die! What the Hey, listen, lady.
You wanna beat up on your little boyfriend, you go do it somewhere else.
Watch the car.
- Dude, where the hell is your fighter? - He'll be here.
- He'll be here when? - Soon! - Okay, you have five minutes to put a fighter in that ring.
- Okay.
Just got off the phone with Charlie.
- Well, where is he? - He's in jail with Dee.
- What? - Apparently they got all hopped up on amphetamines and beat the shit out of some guy in front of the bar.
- Amphetamines? - Yeah, like, steroids or something.
I don't know.
- Damn it, Charlie.
- Look at the dude he was supposed to fight.
- He's the scrawniest - I know! Charlie would have killed that guy.
We're gonna miss out on all this money.
- Anybody could kick that guy's ass.
- I know.
Come on.
You could kick You-You could kick that guy's ass.
You think? Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, you're, like, the second toughest guy I know.
I did bash Charlie good a couple times.
- You almost hurt him once.
- With the bottle? - Yeah, and that's next to impossible.
- That was good.
- You're You're good.
- I am good.
Yeah.
Tell you what.
Um Why don't you go stretch out.
I'll talk to the bookie and let him know that Clown Baby has arrived.
- Let's do it.
- All right.
Goddamn it.
- Frankie, what's the deal? - She got arrested.
- Ah! I knew that skinny bitch would chicken out.
- So we'll never get the fight.
That's a shame, Frankie.
Lot of unanswered questions.
You want your fight? You got your fight.
You and me, right now.
- Well, I No.
- What? Daddy, you can beat him.
Come on.
- You're next.
- It'll be like the old days.
I will kill you.
I will knock your nose off your face.
You wanna knock something, you knock it off of me.
- That's right.
- All right, you got a fight.
Greg, get my gloves.
- I'm sorry, bro.
- Yeah, well, sorry's not gonna get our money back.
- He was so fast.
- You should have moved around a little more and tired him out.
- We have nothing.
- I don't know what to say.
- I gave it my best.
- Yeah.
You know what? Your best wasn't good enough.
- Hey, you have the time? - Aw, not you again.
We don't have any money.
We just lost it all.
- Empty your pockets.
- Hey, meth-head.
Are you listening to me? We don't have any money.
Do it, or I will kill you both.
Okay, here you go.
Look.
Empty.
- Now you.
- I don't have anything.
- Do it.
- I don't have - Just empty your pockets.
- No.
I'm not emptying 'em.
I'm not even gonna I don't feel like standing in this alley all night.
- It's a matter of principle.
- A matter of principle? - I don't feel like standing in an alley with a meth-head.
- I'm gonna stab you, man! - For the love of God, empty your pockets.
- Okay.
- What the hell is that? - Give it to me.
You give us a second.
Where did you get that money? I had to change the bet a little.
- You bet against me? - I bet against you.
- Why would you bet against me? - It was the right move.
- I mean, you got your ass kicked.
- Why wouldn't you tell me? I could have taken a dive.
I wouldn't have had to get my ass kicked.
Mac, it had to look real.
Were you gonna tell me eventually? - Yes.
- Yeah? - I was going to tell you eventually.
- Yeah? You know what? Stab this son of a bitch.
Oh, wait a second.
Oh, come on, Mac.
Don't be like that, man.
You would have done the same thing.
Come on, don't act like a baby.
Please don't stab me.
Bash this ugly jerk's face in, Daddy.
- Your last chance to chicken out.
- That ain't gonna happen, Bobby.
- I've been waiting for this for a long time.
- All right, Frankie.
Seeing that we're a couple of old men here I think we should lay down some ground rules.
Now.
Number one.
Holy shit!