Just Good Friends (1983) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Oh.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Is this a side effect of something you've taken? I love it when you're angry with me.
Really? Then you're in for an evening to remember, aren't you? - Come in.
- Thank you.
- Like to sit down? - Thank you.
So, when did you move back in here? Tuesday.
Big Ed went to Barbados, he didn't want to, but his accountant insisted.
Oh, must be terrible for him It's no picnic.
So I'm here for the rest of the fiscal year.
- Caretaking.
- Yeah.
I always knew that one day you'd find a career.
It's nice to know someone had faith in me.
- Would you mind switching it off? - Why? One, I prefer my eardrums to be the unperforated variety, and two, I don't like it.
I'm the host, I'll have what I want on.
I'm your guest, so please will you switch it off? Switch it off yourself.
Did you enjoy that? I pretended it was your life-support machine.
Mind if I have a wine? Why not? That's all you've been doing since you got here.
Look, I'm not in the mood for your Just William sense of humour.
You said you wanted to see me as you had something important to say.
So just say it.
Well, shall we sit down first? Pen, what I have to say isn't going to be easy, so would you, just this once, allow me to speak without interrupting? - You see - What do you mean "interrupting"? I never interrupt.
- I must be thinking of someone else.
- Yes, you must.
- OK.
Fire away.
The floor's all yours.
- Thank you.
Pen I you're trying to persuade me to come back to you, forget it.
- It's nothing like that.
- Oh.
Fine.
Well, come on then.
Before I tell you, can I first explain about our misunderstanding last Saturday? Last Saturday? Oh, you mean at the wedding reception we were invited to.
The marriage of my boss's daughter.
That's the one.
You see When you, you worm, were caught in the kitchen indulging in friendly fondling with Samantha.
It was not friendly fondling.
Oh, what was it, a good old-fashioned grope? Nothing happened.
Ah! From what the others told me, it sounded like one of the dirtier scenes from Deep Throat.
Seen that? What's it like? Shut up.
Help yourself.
I reached up and my cufflink got caught in the strap of her dress.
Oh, god! That's what happened.
It's not the first social gathering we've been to where your cufflink's become snagged up on some tart.
I admit, in the past, as a callow youth under the influence of alcohol certain unscrupulous females have taken advantage of me, but I'm older now, Pen.
I've changed.
Oh, I know you have.
It would have been the best man's sister, but nowadays you go right to the top, the bride herself.
It's evil, Vince.
It's like goosing the widow at a funeral.
My cufflink got caught on her shoulder strap.
Change the record, please, you're becoming boring.
- What's the point? - After last Saturday, there isn't one.
Can I go or is there something else? - Yes, there is.
- Well, hurry up, then.
It's difficult to know where to begin.
Look, Vince, do you mind if I say something first? Not in the least, Penelope.
As you have obviously gathered, as far as I am concerned, nothing has changed since last week.
It's still over between us.
And to be honest, it's got nothing to do with what happened last Saturday.
You see, sometimes people simply grow apart.
That's happened to us, we've grown apart.
Now, I know it hurts, Vince.
Oh, I've been there, but that pain only lasts for a short time.
Eventually it fades and dies.
Now, you'll meet someone else, someone who'll make you happy, as happy as I've made you.
That happy? Yes.
One day, you'll forget all about me.
Now I know at this precise moment that's difficult to believe, but, in time, you'll meet someone else, you will.
Now, what was it you wanted to tell me? I'm getting engaged.
- Sorry? - I'm getting engaged A fortnight, this Saturday.
We were going to have a celebration at Angie's, but we decided on Who the hell is Angie? The girl I'm getting engaged to.
I thought you'd be happy.
Happy? Happy? Oh, yes.
I am happy.
Oh, I see.
This is another of your childish games, isn't it? Angie's just a figment of your moronic, little imagination.
Did you honestly think that I'd get jealous? What's this? That's Angie.
She's pretty, isn't she? Hmm.
I suppose so, in a rather obvious way.
Hmm.
Oh, this could be a picture of anyone.
When are you going to believe me? When it snows in Morocco.
"Trattoria Il Pescatore.
£100 deposit.
"V Pinner engagement party.
22nd of" You were right, Pen.
Right about what? You said in time I'd meet somebody else.
Yes, in time, Vince.
This hasn't even been six days.
What does it matter how long it takes to fall in love? It doesn't matter, but you could have given it till the end of the week.
You could be making a dreadful mistake.
What do you know about her? Where did you meet? At the betting shop.
She's not one of the punters.
Monday evening we threw a going-away party for Eddie.
Angie was one of the guests.
Oh, Vincent.
I spent Monday evening in my room, agonising over how to tell you that we were finished, and you were jocking it up at a party.
But we weren't seeing each other, remember? So I thought, "While we're busy growing apart, "I might as well pop out for a few hours.
" - To pick up a tart.
- She's not a tart.
I didn't intend to pick anyone up.
Oh, come on, Vince, you in a room full of women? It's like Dracula in a blood bank.
Did you sleep with her? What, you mean that night? I mean, any bloody night.
- No.
- Liar! Now, wait a minute, Pen.
It's all over between us, right? - What? - We're finished, why should I lie? If you must know, it's because I have too much respect for her.
"Too much respect for her"? But you were always trying it on with me.
- The first night we met you tried.
- Nothing happened for along time.
Only because I wouldn't allow it.
I'd known you for exactly one hour.
You bought me a Coca-Cola and tried to undo my bra.
I remember thinking, "I'm glad I didn't ask for a Bacardi with it.
" But it was different then.
Different? What is different about meeting me and this bird? I was younger then.
Despite what I claimed at the time, that side of things was new to me.
- I was still learning.
- Oh, I see.
I was some kind of training pitch, a practice ground for you to test out a few theories, iron out a few wrinkles.
- I didn't mean that.
- What a fool I must have been.
I thought we were in love, and you were just on manoeuvres.
Look, Pen Would you like to dance? I'd rather lick the floor of an abattoir.
I didn't want it to be like this, not on our last night.
I wanted us to be friends.
I was going to invite you to the wedding.
You were going to invite me to your wedding? Angie wouldn't worry if you were there.
The only thing Angie ought to be worried about is if you'll be there.
Look, Pen, just one drink? For old times? Friends? I still find it difficult to comprehend how you, of all people, could meet a girl on Monday and get engaged to her a fortnight later.
It's not just a girl, Pen.
- It's THE girl.
- Is she like me in any way? No, she's younger than you are.
I meant, is she like me in personality? No.
The complete opposite.
She Oh, well She laughs and What do you mean "she laughs"? I laugh.
Ha-ha! See? Yeah, but she's always laughing.
Is there something wrong with her? She's happy, Pen.
She sounds a cheerful little soul, all that cackling and gurgling, it's enough to put you off your food.
- She loves me, Pen.
- Yes, but what about me? She's never met you, but I think you'd get on.
But I still well, sort of like you.
You said you hated me.
You don't believe everything you're told, do you? No, but you do.
Vince, that erm that incident, when you got your cufflink caught up on Samantha's shoulder strap.
What about it? I believe you.
Do ya? Of course I do.
Nobody can invent a story that ridiculous.
That's exactly what I thought.
Look, Pen, Angie's going away for a week, soon.
She's going home to make arrangements and give them the good news.
Oh.
Really? My parents bought a villa on the Algarve.
Yes, Mummy mentioned it.
Well, while Angie's out of town, why don't we fly over there for the week? My God, you've got a nerve.
I'd like to slap your face.
Both of them! You announce you're getting engaged to this stranger, and you invite me away for a dirty week with you.
Don't get me wrong, Pen, we wouldn't be sleeping together.
Wouldn't we? Oh, no, no, no.
It would be separate bedrooms.
I must insist on that.
I see it as a kind of a goodbye holiday.
Like a honeymoon in reverse.
People do not have goodbye holidays.
Well, let's start a trend.
You see, Pen, when people break up it's always full of bitterness and recriminations, but it shouldn't be.
Parting should be a very private affair, away from family and other outside influences, and that's what I want for us.
I want us to be able to look back with warm memories of pleasant days spent in the company of a close and good friend.
Ah, so we wouldn't be going away as, well, girlfriend and boyfriend? No.
Just good friends.
What do you say? I'll have to think about it.
It sounds rather odd to me.
All right.
All right then, Vince, let's go away for the week.
Good.
I'll pour us a drink to celebrate.
I wonder what Angie would say, if she was to find out, that is.
She doesn't mind.
You mean she knows about it? It was her idea.
This isn't one of those weird scenes you read about in the Sunday papers? No.
Angie is a very trusting and understanding girl.
She could sense that our relationship being unresolved was worrying me.
So she said, "Darling, "why don't you and what's-her-name go away for the week?" That's when I came up with the idea of a goodbye holiday.
There you go.
Here's to our future.
Apart.
Aah! Shall we have a dance? Don't be silly, it's only the two of us here.
I didn't mean a formation dance, Pen.
Come on.
Just the two of us.
Vince? Did she really call me "what's-her-name"? Mm.
Stupid.
For the last time, I am not scared of flying.
Come off it, Vince, When the planed touched down at Faro, you applauded.
That was not in relief, that was in appreciation of a perfect landing.
You couldn't tell a good landing from a bad one.
I don't know.
You must have crept along quite a few in your time.
Have you phoned Angie yet? Hm? Oh, erm I'll have to call her call her later.
Yes.
She might be worried.
Is she the worrying kind? Only where I'm concerned.
Oh.
Oh, she sounds a wonderful girl.
All right, Pen, what's it all about? Ever since we arrived here, yesterday, you've been giving me those knowing, supercilious little smiles.
Moi? You've been acting like someone with a secret.
Or a congenital defect.
Silly goose.
Oh, yes.
I didn't tell you, did I? The day before we were due to leave, I went shopping to get a few vital things for our goodbye holiday.
Suntan oil, a good book to read in bed, uh-huh, and that sort of thing.
And guess who I bumped into.
- Fidel Castro.
- No, Vince.
Miles off, miles off.
It was Lennie, your best man.
- Oh, yeah? - Mmm.
And he introduced me to his future fiancée.
- Must be catching.
- Hmm.
Like mumps.
I knew that I'd seen her somewhere before, then I remembered that photograph you showed me.
She is the spitting image of your Angie.
Yes, that is because Leonard is getting engaged to Angie's twin sister.
Curious, because her name's Angie as well.
Yes.
You mean her parents had identical twin girls and christened them both Angie? Old Lincolnshire custom.
I see.
That's an old Chipping Ongar custom, you lying, ratfink creep! Argh! Careful, Penny.
It can hurt.
I can't feel a thing.
All right, this is your last chance.
Do you give in? Ooh! Where did you get that girl's photograph from? Ooh! I borrowed Lennie's coat, I found it in one of the pockets.
I was gonna tell you later.
What about the receipt for £100 in the restaurant? You didn't tell them about that? That was my surprise present to them.
Oh.
Oh, that's really sweet of you.
Why make me come all this way for lies? Ooh! I like playing games.
If you knew they were lies, why did you come with me? Because I like winning games.
- Oh, Penelope.
- Oh! Vincent.
That's quite enough.
Penelope, you've set the old Viking blood surging through the veins.
Come here, wench! No.
No, stop it, Vince.
Don't! Stop it! You OK? - Mmm.
- Good.
I wish that priest hadn't seen us this morning.
It was as if he could read my thoughts.
A one-eyed budgie with a squint could have read your thoughts.
Yeah, but he made me feel unclean.
I've been thinking about confessing my sins.
Come on, we're only here for a week.
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
At least I told the truth about the lies.
What? About Angie and all that.
Coming clean makes life so much easier.
I mean, look at us, we've got rid of all the silliness, questions, pretence, separate bedrooms, things like that.
Oh, no.
We had an agreement and we're sticking to it.
- But it's different now, Pen.
- Different? Because I found out that you'd been lying, I've got to sleep with you? They're the rules.
God, if I'd had to sleep with you every time you told a lie, I'd have spent half my life in a coma.
- So, what you saying? - I'm saying, on your bike.
We came out here as friends, remember? And we're going to remain out here as friends.
Got it? - Fine.
- Good.
- Could we pet heavily? - No! Got the misogs, have we? - No.
- Pig.
Vince.
There is a lizard behind that armchair.
Don't be stupid, Pen.
I'm not being stupid, there is a lizard behind that armchair.
All the doors are locked.
Then there is a lizard with a key behind that armchair.
You haven't got sun stroke? No.
What I have got is a deep-rooted fear of reptiles.
Please believe me.
There is a gigantic lizard behind that armchair.
All right, Pen, take it easy.
I'll have a look.
- No, nothing there.
- Move the armchair! It's a lizard, Pen.
A big lizard.
Let me guess, you're frightened of lizards as well.
No, I'm not frightened of lizards, only lizards that are in the same room as me.
Give me a big mouse, and I'm masterful, but a lizard it's a no-no.
Well, that is good news, Vince.
We can't even make a dash for it, he's got the front door covered.
- What are we gonna do? - I don't know.
- Let's phone the police.
- The police? They won't take notice of a call from a hysterical tourist.
All right, then I'll phone the police.
Yeah, but how would that make me look? They'll think I'm frightened.
You are frightened.
We don't have to let all of Portugal know.
To hell with your fragile little ego, I'm calling the police.
All right, Pen, have it your way, the phone's over there by the lizard.
Well, what a man you've turned out to be! First you're scared of flying, and now you're terrified of an itsy-bitsy little lizard.
Sickening, innit? - It's moving, Pen.
- Oh, God.
Do something, Vince! I will if it comes any closer.
All right, slowly.
We don't want to alarm it.
My hero.
It was nothing.
We could climb out of the window.
What's the point, Pen, we've only got one lizard, there are millions of the sods out there.
How long have we got to stay in this room? The maid will open the door and let it out.
We've got to spend the night in here? Where are we going to sleep? Let's search and see if we can find a bed! I'd rather spend the night with the lizard.
All right.
- Be my guest.
- Close it, Vince! It was running towards me.
Most probably mistook you for one of its family.
Aah! It will calm you down.
Haven't we got anything to drink it from? The glasses are outside with Godzilla.
We're trapped here for the night, there's nothing we can do.
The ordeal will be a helluva lot easier if we start treating each other in a semi-civilized manner.
If you weren't such a big, fat rat, I would.
Hey, listen, you're the one who All right, Pen, I apologise.
Good.
I'm sorry I called you a lizard.
And a pig.
I'm not sorry about that.
Look, I didn't mean to get scared out there.
Not your fault.
I feel I've let you down again.
Don't be silly.
Lot's of people have phobias about certain types of animals.
I read that John Wayne was scared of spiders.
I don't like 'em, either.
Friends? Friends.
I don't want you thinking I'm ungrateful, but this holiday's brought back some bad memories.
How's that, then? I came to Portugal once before, it was a long time ago.
With Graham.
Oh, I didn't know.
No.
Well, it was while we were here that I discovered that our marriage was finished.
He got drunk one night, started calling me all sorts of rotten names.
The more he drank, the more aggressive he became.
He started throwing things at me.
- Did what? - It was frustration and drink.
We both apologised in the morning, but in our hearts we knew what we'd known for a long time, it was over.
Is that why you came over here, to patch things up? No.
It was our honeymoon.
It was a bad match, from start to finish.
Did you know the moon over here is bigger than our one at home? Is it? Probably to do with the government cuts.
Sometimes I'd spend all night just sitting on the balcony, looking at the moon.
It was the only smiling face around.
Have you ever wished that the world would stop spinning? - No.
- You're lucky.
Been a few occasions when I'd wished the room would stop spinning.
Yes, I've been there too.
If you like, I could switch the light out and we could look at the moon.
OK.
You can't see the moon from here.
No.
What should we do now then?