Key and Peele (2012) s02e05 Episode Script

Good evening, my fellow Americans.
With me, as always, is my anger translator Luther.
Boom, Mitt! I sunk your battleship, bitch! What's up?! To the American people, I just want to say that the debates are over but now is not a time to tally points or to, uh, keep the score.
Game, set, match, touchdown, homerun, checkmate.
Can we get back to work now? Governor Romney, in the recent debate, I laid out the inconsistencies in your stated beliefs.
Okay, Governor Rom Listen, I'm gonna tell you a little Governor Romney, why are you smiling while you're getting your ass kicked? Are we debating, or are you trying to sell me a Lexus? I directly questioned you about your opposition to the auto industry bailout.
On behalf of all the people in Detroit that want to stab you, I ask again, why are you smiling? I asked you about your stance on Syria, which you called "Iran's route to the sea.
" Hey Dummy Look! Iran is on the sea.
Syria's two god damn countries this way.
Bam which is a city in iran.
I even reminded you that horses and bayonets are not strategically valid in modern warfare.
So like I said, it's time to wipe that smug smile off your sweaty, sweaty, pasty-ass sweaty face.
I mean, Mitt, do you need a towel? Because your face is straight up raining.
I spoke about brinksmanship with Iran, and you just said you wanted a peaceful planet.
I mean, who let Wavy Gravy up in here? I'm sorry, Mitt.
If you want to be the first mormon hippie, you're gonna need to grow your hair out, dog.
and quit smiling! [bleep.]
! This got me There were many times where you even, uh, inexplicably agreed with me.
Stop agreeing with me! Are you trying to body snatch me and become me for the last two weeks of the election? I mean, what's I'm sorry, time out.
Sir, I'm, like, legitimately concerned that he's like an insane, rich, crazy person who's gonna - Luther - Wait, okay, yeah.
- Calm down now.
- Okay.
I assure you, Governor Romney's not insane.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- No problem.
- In conclusion I greatly appreciated our exchange on foreign policy.
But we all know the only country that matters is Ohio.
You sweaty, smiley, never-gonna-be-president looking mother-[bleep.]
.
- What? - Hey Loosing up a little bit over here.
And it's just about [bleep.]
ing time.
- Hello! - Hi.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
Thank you so much.
Welcome to the show.
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
- I am Jordan Peele.
- We are Key and Peele.
- Thank you for coming.
- Key and Peele.
Thank you! So The other day you and I were talking about why there are no longer rap groups.
Rap groups.
Do you guys Do you know what happened to rap groups? There are rappers and there are collaborations.
Right.
- But there are no longer rap groups.
- Right.
Wu-Tang Clan they had Oh, yeah.
- Right.
- These dudes - They had like 36 dudes on stage.
- Yeah, right.
- With like katana blades, - What's a katana blade ? dressed like [bleep.]
Ninja Turtles.
Or-or-or Public Enemy had You know, like one rapper, a crazy man with a clock, - and a security force.
- Yeah.
Arrested Development.
That's kind of rap group.
Yeah! These dudes they were the first band, I think in history just to have a black woman on stage going like that - Right.
Yeah, yeah.
- For no reason.
- There was just - There's no reason for it.
That's right.
And a little old man in a rocking chair, just an old man in a rocking chair.
Bone bone bone bone Bone thugs and homeless Bone bone bone Said, brah, that's what we gonna do Where has everybody gone Gone gone Where have all the people gone How did we go broke Think of all the lost hoes Somehow we must've taken A wrong turn at crossroads Maybe we should change our flow But our flow is tight though The harmony thing seems old Something don't smell right, yo We smelling like hell and not doing too well And we live in a system where nobody's giving away Every day, every day Poop in different alleyways Homeless bone Homeless bone, homeless bone, yeah We piss and poop in different alleyways Can somebody spare some change? We spent all our money can somebody - anybody - spare some change Listen to our tummies Hey, man, I miss my uncle Charles, y'all He had some gall, having a ball Brother can't even return my calls Bone bone bone, bone, yeah Bone thugs and homeless bone Bone thugs and homeless bone Bone thugs and homeless bone We're so hungry We'll eat a bone Brock Favors here, We are here live at the Metro Police Department canine training facility, And we are going to be learning some apprehension techniques used by the canine unit.
Now, Officer Hanson, uh, I will be playing the assailant today.
- Is that correct? - Yeah, that's correct.
Now, Officer Hanson, I am perfectly safe in this suit, right? Yeah, you're 100% safe.
In fact, those are the suits we use for officer training.
All right! Well, there you go.
Well, kids, make sure that you do not try this at home with your chihuahuas.
Ow! Ow! Ow! [bleep.]
! Get this [bleep.]
off of me! Get this [bleep.]
off of me! Damn! Get this [bleep.]
off of me! [bleep.]
! Oh, God damn! Oh, God damn! Oh, [bleep.]
! Whoo! Okie dokey.
I am sorry that, uh, you all just heard me use that inappropriate language that was very uncalled for.
- When you panic like that - Yeah.
He thinks you're more of a threat than you are.
Uh-huh.
That's when he's gonna bite down harder.
Okay, well, I will make an effort this time to really try and be as calm as possible even though it is very difficult to be calm when you're in the lion's den.
Or should I say the doggie den? You know what I mean? Oh, [bleep.]
! Oh, [bleep.]
! This dog is eating my junk! He's eating my junk! No! Oh, [bleep.]
! He's got my junk! Aghh! Oh, my God! Get him off me! - That's, uh - You don't even know Oh, boy.
Until you've seen a dog go after Keegan-Michael Key's testicles Four takes in a row.
And this I love you came into that day cocky.
I couldn't wait.
I was like, "Let him go, let him do it!" - He's like, "I got the [bleep.]
suit on.
- Oh, man.
"He's not gonna be able to penetrate.
" Well, this whole area was protected seven-fold.
SoI didn't feel anything when the dog was there.
It's when I fell on the ground And they said, "Let him go at it again while Keegan's laying on the ground.
"Let him get in there and get the crotch.
" "Just get in there!" - And that dog came right in here, went bip! and got my thigh.
And our magic word was "Uncle.
" No one has ever said the word "uncle" faster in their life.
I was like, "Ah! Ah! Uncle-uncle-uncle-uncle-uncle! "That's real! It's real! It's real, it's real!" - And then you wanna know some - It's real! You wanna know some really scary [bleep.]
? That dude that owned the dog My man said, "Stop, stop, stop! Nein!" - This dog said - That dog was like That dog came up I think that I'm the worst Halo player in the world.
You are the worst Halo player.
I'm the worst Halo player in the world.
I played with my brother.
I realize I shouldn't have brought that up.
Remember when my brother came over that one time? Yeah.
We just spent 25 minutes just going, "Why don't you just go around the backside of the cliff? "I can't find Just get out of my way then.
"Well, how am I There's a thing! Don't shoot it! Shoot it! "Oh! I'm off the cliff!" You know, just fall off the cliff.
And then I - You know, then I'd reanimate.
- Just two grown-ass men.
Just two grown men who just reverted to eight-year-olds.
So you can say as much as you want.
But you can't say the name of the celebrity or any part of their name, got it? - Yeah.
- Yeah, we got it.
- We got it.
- You are so gonna lose.
Baby, you are going down.
Why don't you start the timer and be amazed? And go.
Okay, this guy "E" equals MC squared.
- Albert Einstein.
- Yes, that is correct.
What? That's easy.
Hello? Okay, this is the Terminator.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger! - Yeah! Okay, we got we got Talking about, uh "Are you talking to me?" - Robert De Niro! - Yeah, yeah, yeah! All right.
All right.
This person pretend to be straight but he's really gay.
Me! Uh, uh he is, uh Excuse me.
He's living la vida loca.
Me.
- It's - No.
- Okay.
- He's a, um Latin pop star.
I'm not a Latin pop star.
No, you are not.
It's not you.
"He bangs, he bangs.
" - Oh, Ricky Martin.
- That is correct.
I wrote that one too.
Tyrell about to come out here right now.
- 'sup, ladies? - Watch this, watch this.
Yo, Tyrell.
Yo, what up, Lawrence? Hey, man, you wanna play front hand, back hand? - I don't know that game, man.
- It's easy, dog.
All you gotta do is say "front hand" or "back hand.
" - Aight, front hand.
- Ugh! Bam! I got you, sucka! Oh, okay.
Okay.
I see how it is now.
Come on, man.
Come on.
You know that [bleep.]
was funny.]
- Back hand.
- Huh? It's still my move, right? I choose back hand this time.
- Really? - Back hand, [bleep.]
! Uh Oh! - God damn! Look, Ty, I'm sorry, but I ain't sorry.
Know what I mean? I mean, you asked for it.
I mean, you literally asked for it.
Front hand! What? No.
Why you wanna hit I got it! I figured it out.
Front hand! No, back hand! Back hand! No, look, look.
Dude Hey If you want me to slap you across the face back hand, I'll do it.
Okay? Don't think I won't do it.
But you know that I'm [bleep.]
with you, right? I mean, there ain't no game called "front hand, back hand.
" - Oh! - Right.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, dog! Yeah, I get it.
I get it.
All right, all right, all right.
As soon as I get good at "front hand, back hand", you wanna stop playing.
Play what, man? I made it up so I could smack you in the face.
I'm about to smack you in the face as soon as it's my turn.
Back hand! There ain't no turns, [bleep.]
, 'cause it ain't no game.
You ain't got no game, [bleep.]
.
Back hand! Aghh! Front hand.
Look, I don't know if you're [bleep.]
with me at this point or what but I don't wanna smack a [bleep.]
no more.
Where you going then? Okay, forfeit.
Forfeit, [bleep.]
, I win! I win front hand, back hand! Okay.
Me and you.
[bleep.]
, me and you.
Me and you.
Hmm? Back hand.
Ah! Oh! This November, you gotta get out and vote! It's all about democracy, y'all.
Your vote gets counted with the rest of the votes in the country and they get sent off to the Electoral College.
What's that? The Electoral College are a bunch of officials who do the voting for us.
So in case we elect the wrong person, they can fix that shiz! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up.
- Who the hell are these people? - Well, no one knows for sure, But whoever they is, they the folks who actually do the real voting after we do our pretend voting.
Yeah! - Power to the - Hold the [bleep.]
on! You're telling me our votes don't matter? Our votes are like suggestions.
So this November, we should - Yeah! - Dunk the vote! You know what I really hate? When, uh Girls be it's usually white girls to be honest.
I don't mean to make it racial, but it is.
Sorry.
White girls saying just dropping "awkward.
" "Awkward.
" Bitch, it wasn't awkward till you said some [bleep.]
.
What who are you pointing at, sir? Oh, that's her? She's doing the aw - Did that happen yesterday? - Same way.
Same way.
- And everybody was gonna let it go.
- Everyone was gonna let it go.
- Everybody was gonna let it go.
- A moment of clarity.
Oh, man.
But she had to provide a moment of clarity.
She had to say "awkward.
" That is how black women do it, with the little - "Awkward.
" - You ain't gon I'm metaphorically locking the car door on you.
Bip.
Tisket, tasket - This one back here.
Green and yellow basket.
- This is a limousine.
Hello? Thanks for calling Mario's Pizza.
- This is carlos speaking.
- Allo.
We would like a large pie with pepperoni, pineapple, and cheesy crust.
Large pepperoni with pineapple and cheesy crust.
- We would also like a large pie with bacon, pineapple, and cheesy crust.
Large bacon, pineapple, with cheesy crust.
Okay.
Is that gonna complete your order, sir? You know what? Let me gauge the room.
Uh, guys, are we gonna want another pizza? Let me just who's hungry? Show of hands.
Let me see 'em.
One, two, three Keep' em up.
Four, five, six.
- Ah, having a party.
(chuckling) - Yup.
Pretty big one too.
Come on, guys, keep 'em up.
Hugo? Summer? Hans? Fu? You know what, let's play it safe.
Let's get another pie with ham, pineapple.
All right, ham Oh, are you guys gonna need cheesy crust on the third? Good question.
I'll gauge the room.
Hey, guys, do we want cheesy crust on the third? Okay, yeesh.
That is a resounding yes for cheesy crust on the third.
Claire says you read her mind.
Claire, huh? I like that name.
It's a good one.
Oh, also, my boy Andy over here is saying you have something called chicken poppers.
- Is she cute? - Uh, who's that and what now? - Claire.
- Oh.
Her body's like a four.
Ha, let's just say she's kind of a big girl.
That's all good.
That's all superficial, man.
I like Claire for what's inside.
- You don't even know Claire.
- Yo, but for real though, I feel like I do know Claire, man.
Put me on the phone with her.
Uh You don't need to speak to Claire.
No, I do.
You know what, I gotta level with you, man.
I [bleep.]
her.
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to get in between you guys.
No, it's quite all right.
'twas a while ago Before she blimped up.
My current girlfriend's Liv.
Body, ten.
Face, ten.
But anyway, Claire Yeah.
I hit that, sexually.
And, uh, as did my boy Hugo.
Hell, even Bobba got some of that.
So just wanted you to know, used goods, used goods.
So you wouldn't care if I asked her out? Well Let me do it for you.
Hey, Claire, this guy from the pizza place wants to date you.
Too poor? All right, I'll let him down easy.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No.
Tell her that, no, I'm not a rich man.
But I'm a good man.
Tell her, "Claire, I believe in destiny.
"and I believe that we've always known "that our soul mate was out there.
"The moment that we had that unspoken connection "about the cheesy crust "I realized that you were always the one.
"Because and I know this sounds corny "but that moment "was just like "simple.
" Wow.
You really do care about Claire.
I do.
Oh, my God! Claire just got shot! - What? No! - Oh! Oh! It just came through the window.
It was a bullet.
It hit her in the neck.
Oh Claire's down! She's dead! She's dead! I'm calling the cops! She's dead! Claire! Noooo! Chinese it is.
One thing that fascinates us is that like any movie - like The Help or - Glory.
We call 'em like "white man's burden" movies, 'cause you know White people go see these movies, and then they come out and they're like, "racism is alive! Face it in the eyes! "Racism's still here and I'm not taking it anymore!" Like I need to do a Def Jam white guy voice, right? It's like Def Jam white guy bordering on Jimmy Stewart.
- Are you Ms.
Tubman? - The name's Harriet.
Well, thank God in heaven for the work that you're doing, Harriet.
Before you thank me, let me tell you.
I've led hundreds of slaves to freedom through this here underground railroad.
But it ain't gon' be easy.
Are you ready? All right.
Then hike up your breeches and follow me to freedom! Watch this, black molasses! Well, where is she now? That was the easy part.
Now stay close.
This next 500 miles gets a little sticky.
Ah! Forget this, man.
I'm going back.
Thank you.
Thank you so much, everybody.
Everybody, thank you so much.
You've been a great audience sexually, so Good night! Good night.
Take care.
I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah.