Killing It (2022) s02e05 Episode Script
Lying Flat
1
[JAZZ MUSIC]
Whatever Lola wants ♪
Lola gets ♪
- Hi, there.
- I don't think so.
- Champagne?
- Not tonight.
[SIGHS]
- Make up your mind ♪
- What's this?
Dale and soda.
No regrets ♪
Recline yourself ♪
What do I owe you?
It's on him.
♪
Oh, Jesus.
- Cut!
- That's a cut.
What the fuck? Where is he?
Does he know his cue?
He knows his cue.
I just can't find him.
What do you mean you can't find him?
Try asking one of his ten assistants.
Does anyone have eyes on talent?
He was just here.
Can I step out for a second?
- Yeah, go.
- Thanks.
Go ahead. Everyone, back to one.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[SCREAMS]
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
- Why is your trailer sideways?
- Well, there was an accident.
You don't have to answer.
I know it's because you're stupid.
So you guys know Prada Lamonca, right?
Hi, I'm Jillian.
And you probably don't remember me,
but I was at your seminar.
"You probably don't
remember me" was perfect.
Okay, here's the deal.
Rodney wants to launch
our supplement line
in three months, Prada will be
overseeing production,
and I'm the new head manager
for Predator Power.
What the hell is Predator Power?
Well, Rodney thought
"saw palmetto extract" had
limp dick vibes, so we're
mixing in shark cartilage
and changing the name: Predator Power.
"Get predatory."
Predator as in sexual predator?
Sounds a little problematic.
Rodney says controversy sells.
You know his first real estate
book was called
"Kill Your Parents, Sell Their House."
It's a New York Times best seller.
I'm sorry, what is all this?
Oh, those are our payroll numbers.
"Those are our payroll numbers."
Yeah, I know what they are.
But why does a small farm
have so many employees
and why are they all related?
Oh, uh, those are the Boones.
They're a key part of the team
in so far as they provide
extra legal services.
Okay. You bought protection
from some crooks.
Got it.
So the Boones, huh?
You out here doing side deals
with criminals now, hmm?
You know all those years
when I was a criminal,
all I wanted from you was a side deal
and you gave me nothing.
You stole my dream, Isaiah.
Why are you focusing on the past?
That's yesterday's shit.
You need to be looking to tomorrow,
which is when the future is.
Oh, is that when the future is?
You been spending too much
time with Rodney Lamonca.
You sound like a fucking Dominine hat.
Well, it's a good thing
I'm spending time with Rodney
because we're launching
Predator Power at the NFS con.
- It's a nutrition
- And food sciences convention.
Yeah, I was looking
forward to attending
while I still owned my own farm.
Well, pack your bags because
I talked Rodney into
letting you both go.
Free trip to San Diego, baby!
City of zoos.
Fuck San Diego. Fucking diet Miami.
I mean, a business trip
sounds kind of fun.
The furthest I ever went
for work was when
an Uber passenger had me drive
him to Charlotte.
He was on drugs and bought me
Bojangles twice. It was great.
You haven't even heard
the best part yet, J Glopp.
Rodney has a celebrity
spokesperson lined up
and we need someone to brief him on
the magical healing
powers of saw palmetto.
And since you two are the experts,
you get to hang out with
Mr. Worldwide himself.
Fucking Pitbull, huh?
Wow! Pitbull?
I've given people rides home
from his concert before.
- They always seem very horny.
- Mm.
Why you over there being so quiet?
Is it because
you're too horny to talk?
It's because I don't want to do this.
I'm sorry about the farm.
Okay, I got myself in
a bad situation in Phoenix
and this was the only way
I could think to get out of it.
And I feel really fucking bad
and I want to help you,
so please just let me help you.
I really don't have a choice, do I?
Man
Wow. First class.
I can't believe they let you
board before everybody else.
I've never had anyone
jealous of me before.
I heard one guy call me a rich bitch.
Look at all this leg room
and lay flat seats.
You know what it's like for
a guy my height to fly coach?
It's like trying to jam
a GI Joe into a Hot Wheels.
- Champagne?
- Ooh.
- No, thank you.
- I think it's complimentary.
Then yes, please.
- Can I keep the glass?
- Sure.
You should ask for yours too.
Then we'll have a set.
I'm not gonna do that.
Well, I still really love this.
Maybe it was all worth it
working for the Lamoncas.
No. Remember why
you're doing this, okay?
We just need to earn
enough money to buy a new farm.
- You really think we can?
- Yes, I do, Jillian.
In fact, I've already found us
the perfect plot of swamp land.
What?
Well, "perfect" might be
an overstatement.
The Boones were right, okay?
The pharmaceutical companies bought up
the entire Everglades.
Prices are insane.
- Down payment is 100 grand.
- Oh, wow.
But I guess that's only two
years of our Dominine salaries
assuming we don't eat,
pay taxes, or sleep inside.
We can still sleep inside.
It'll just be more like
five years of saving.
Okay, wow.
Five year plan to get us back
to where we were one month ago.
I don't know why I said that last bit.
- This is exciting.
- To starting over.
- To starting over.
- [GLASSES CLINK]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Oh, my God, Craig, look.
This hotel has free sewing kits.
Now, my bra can get
a few more months of life.
- Hey, good for you.
- [DOOR OPENS]
Welcome to San Diego.
Sweet suite, right?
You guys check out the bathroom?
Got a special spout
for your bootyhole.
It's whatever. Hotels are gross.
- Fucking used beds.
- Hey.
I was just downstairs
at the conference.
You know what I saw?
Three booths selling
saw palmetto extract.
I know, but we got that
shark collagen there, boss.
We the only ones doing that shit.
I also think saw palmetto
on its own has some
pretty amazing properties
that can really help people.
Holy shit. Has that
always been your accent?
Yes.
It sucks. Fix it.
Anyway, I got a great
idea for us to stand out.
Really make CVS' panties slick.
We say that Predator Power
pills prevent prostate cancer.
No. You can't say something
cures cancers if it doesn't.
I said prevents cancer, Craig.
No offense, but do you really
think people gonna believe
you found the cure for cancer?
I mean, you're not
exactly a scientist.
You're wearing a shiny shirt.
All right, let me let you in
on a little secret here, okay?
- People want to be lied to.
- I don't want to be lied to.
- Well, not you personally.
- You're one of the smart ones.
- Oh, okay.
- See? Right there.
Tell people what they want to hear
and these idiots will
believe anything.
Look, Rodney,
I think they have a point.
All right, this is a conference
for real businessmen.
Not the normal Dominine
Losers and fuckwads, yeah.
I just think these people
might be harder to scam.
But we don't have to scam 'em.
We got Pitbull.
Mr. Worldwide, Mr. 305.
All right, whatever,
but Pitbull better bring it.
And you two need to go brief him.
He's up in the penthouse. Top floor.
- We know what penthouse means.
- Top floor, got it.
Wow.
[LAUGHS] Welcome.
I'm Pitbull.
Let's make this a great day.
- Let's do it.
- You want to live life.
- Don't let life live you.
- Oh, for sure.
If you work hard, let that be
the fuel to your fire.
I will.
But don't forget to enjoy
the glow of that fire. [LAUGHS]
- I won't.
- Dale!
Hey, so we're here to brief you on
- saw palmetto facts.
- Yeah, come in. Have a seat.
I personally like to stand.
I always keep to my feet to
stay ready to hustle, grind,
make my dreams a reality.
Yeah, me too.
I'm always just standing up
for the same reason.
- Mm, mm.
- To hustle.
Okay, so five facts about
saw palmetto
Right on. Before we get to work,
would you like some refreshments?
I've got some chili lime kiki rikis.
They're the official corn chip
of Mr. Worldwide.
Oh, wow. They're so spicy.
- Where you from?
- Australia.
Oh, well, maybe in Australia,
you're okay with average chips.
But where I'm from,
in my household, in Miami,
there better be some heat, papí.
[LAUGHTER]
You want some diet Doctor
Blanco to wash that down?
- Sure.
- Diet Doctor Blanco?
It's the official clear cola
of Mr. Worldwide.
It's all the flavor
with none of the guilt.
- Dale!
- BOTH: Dale!
[SIGHS]
My soda's got the hardest
working fizz in the biz.
Ah!
Oh, Mr. Pitbull, your
- Hmm?
- Little beard.
- Your soul patch.
- It's on the can.
Oh, oh. [CHUCKLES] Shit, sorry.
[CLEARS THROAT] What we talking about?
The delicious taste of
diet Doctor Blanco.
Um, Mr. Pitbull,
would it be possible to
give us a second?
Yeah, sure.
- That's not Pitbull.
- What?
His soul patch came off.
He doesn't even look like him.
Course it's not fucking Pitbull.
- You knew?
- What?
Yeah, it's a Pitbull impersonator.
Certified by
Mr. Worldwide International.
These doubles look like Pitbull,
they sound like Pitbull,
they even fucking smell like Pitbull.
They wear the actual clothes
the real Pitbull sweat through.
Sounds kind of gross.
You know what's gross
is smelling like a nobody.
But people must know it's not Pitbull.
You forgot what I already taught you:
people want to be lied to.
They want to go home and
tell their fucking nurse
practitioner friends that
they met Pitbull on a business trip.
Yeah, sure, but we knew
he was fake right away.
It's 'cause you got up close.
Pitbull 6 is a long distance Pitbull.
He's rated for stage work
and tarmac waving.
I'm not gonna spend two million bucks
on a sunglasses off Pitbull.
Now, get back up to the penthouse
and do your fucking job. Top floor!
Top floor, got it.
So do we call you Pitbull 6
or do you have a real name?
Call me Pitbull because
that's who I am.
And if anybody heard you use
my actual name, I'd be fired.
Damn, Pitbull's a tough boss.
Pitbull is an incredible boss
and a naturally funny
conversationalist
who could do standup if he wanted.
It's Mr. Worldwide
International who are tough.
My handler Linda,
she's always on my ass.
Okay, Pitbull, um,
there are five key benefits
to saw palmetto
we'd like you to mention.
Prostate reduction, hair growth,
which we thought you could
make a funny joke
because you're bald.
Pitbull is bald by choice.
If he wanted to have hair,
it'd be down to his butt.
Your joke won't work.
Well, there's also increased libido.
Pitbull's libido is incredible.
He has so much sex,
we don't even masturbate.
And he only has sex with Miami tens.
You know what a Miami ten looks like?
Like a stripper from Grand Theft Auto.
Did you say,
"we don't even masturbate?"
Yeah, because everybody knows
Pitbull doesn't masturbate.
- Does everyone know that?
- Yeah.
So if I got caught,
that'd be as bad for the brand
as me being, I don't know,
seen on a date with some woman
from my past who's not
up to Pitbull's standards.
So you can't date either?
[LAUGHS] Of course not.
Bad for the brand.
Think what people would say
if they saw me out with Heather
who is so, so beautiful,
but not a Miami ten.
Is Heather your girlfriend?
[LAUGHING] Not anymore.
It's bad for the brand.
She wanted to start a family
and I wanted to be a father so bad,
but a bunch of little me's
running around calling me papí,
that that's not Pitbull.
- [LAUGHS]
- I'm so sorry.
Do you need a drink or something?
Oh, I'd love a drink,
but I'm not allowed.
- Bad for the brand.
- It's bad for the brand.
This is insane. You're a human being.
You should be able to make
your own choices.
No, Linda would find out.
She would always find out.
It's just the three of us here.
Nobody's gonna say anything.
Have a drink.
I promise you'll feel so much better.
You know we have to stay
within a pound of
Pitbull's actual weight at all times?
And sometimes he goes
so hard on stage,
he sweats off five pounds.
You know what that means for me?
Do you think you've had enough?
Man, you sound
just like fucking Linda.
"You can't drink anymore, Pitt 6.
Why'd you stop going to
your meetings, Pitt 6?"
- Meetings?
- So it's not all Pitbulls
who can't have alcohol.
That was just a rule for you?
Of course it's just for me.
I'm the only Pitbull with
a drinking problem.
And they're afraid of me
because they know
my solo music is
better than Pitbull's.
Linda's intimidated by my talent.
Listen to this.
This track's called
"I Love Dunking Basketballs."
[CHUCKLES]
I see a big, fat hoop ♪
You know I got to dunk ♪
Hey, hey, we really want to
hear the rest of your music,
but I'ma call room service,
order you a pot of black coffee.
I can't drink coffee.
I'm only allowed to drink CocoVOLT,
the official chocolate
energy drink of Mr. Worldwide.
Or maybe you should take a nap.
You might just need a little
break from being Pitbull.
You know what?
That's actually a great idea.
I do need a break.
- Okay, good.
- I fucking quit this job.
- What? No!
- Fuck Pitbull.
Fuck Mr. Worldwide. Fuck Linda.
I'm going to masturbate.
- You lost Pitbull?
- A Pitbull.
This is a disaster.
People will understand.
Mix-ups happen.
I wore mismatched socks today.
It's cute.
Shh. Shut up.
You know how much money I sunk
into this saw palmetto shit?
Oh, I don't know.
Including the free farm
that you stole from me? $0?
I'm talking about the conference.
The booth, all the merch.
Just renting the Pitbull was how much?
300 grand.
That seems like a wild use of money.
No, paying you two a salary
is the wild use of money.
You better find this guy.
If you don't, you're fired.
We'll find him. Don't worry.
Isaiah, you brought these
two dipshits in.
You go with them and make sure
they don't trip on their own dicks
trying to work a doorknob.
I know how to work a doorknob.
I don't have a dick.
So you have no idea where he went.
You just watched him run away.
Why didn't you go after him?
He was so fast.
I don't approve of
Mr. Worldwide International's
dietary restrictions,
but he seemed to be in
incredible shape.
Hey, be honest, Craig.
You trying to get fired?
'Cause I don't know what you think
Dominine severance pay is,
but it's bad.
No. I don't want to get fired.
I hate this job, but I need it.
We got to buy a new farm,
plus Vanessa and Camille
and the little white baby that
none of us are related to
- are counting on me.
- What are you talking about?
Oh, it's a long and interesting story
that I don't have to tell you
because we're not close no more.
Guys, look. Pitbull 6 left
his phone in the room.
- Phones are full of clues.
- It's locked.
How are we supposed to
get his passcode?
How about 305? He is Mr. 305.
A three digit passcode?
Those don't exist, Isaiah.
I'm learning you're dumb and a dick.
It's a terrible combination.
- Mm, and we're in.
- That's annoying.
Limited contacts. Pitbull 7,
Pitbull 8, Pitbull 10.
What happened to Pitbull 9?
- Oh.
- What?
Maybe seven ate nine.
- Jillian.
- Sorry.
Fuck it. One of these guys
gotta know something.
[LINE RINGS]
6, what's up?
I'm at the Doctor Blanco launch event.
This isn't 6. I'm actually a client.
Pitbull 6 had a bit of a freak out
and we sort of lost him.
Ah, fuck. What'd he freak out about?
I think he got fed up with
all the Pitbull rules.
Mr. Worldwide International
doesn't seem like
an easy place to work.
Oh, shit.
Was he performing at a wedding?
Weddings always make him
think about Heather.
I just wanted to see if
you knew his name
or had any idea
where he might've gone.
Nah. We were only allowed to
talk about Pitbull stuff.
If they catch us socializing,
that's two fireballs.
And three fireballs is a timber.
That means you going down.
They don't know shit.
Well, just call the company.
They got to have a way
to track him down.
No, we're not calling Linda.
I don't want him to get in
trouble with his boss.
It'll be fine. I promise I won't
tell Linda he was drinking.
[PHONE RINGS]
Mr. Worldwide International.
You have Linda Fox Platt.
Hi, I'm from Dominine.
Uh, we lost our Pitbull.
Fucking 6. Was he drinking
on the job again?
- No.
- No, no, no.
Nothing like that.
I told the hotel to
clean out the mini-bar,
but everyone's a dumb fuck.
[KEYBOARD CLICKING]
All right, it looks like he's
about 15 miles from the hotel.
How do you know that?
Well, he's got a company phone.
They're easy to track.
Well, we're on his phone.
We we called you from it.
Okay, look.
Here's the deal.
You cannot tell anyone this.
When I make my doubles
get their tattoos
so that they match Pitbull,
we also insert a subcutaneous
tracking device.
Oh, my God.
Sorry, but I got shithead
bosses breathing down my neck.
I could get fired if one of
my Pitts goes missing.
Just to be clear, I am not
complaining about Pitbull.
The real Pitbull is an amazing
boss and businessman
who actually had the idea for Amazon,
but knew he could do more good
through his music.
We all love Pitbull, Linda.
Can you please just tell us
where 6 went?
Hold on.
It says he's in there.
Guess he really needed that drink.
No, he's here for something worse.
Open mic night.
[PHONE BUZZING]
- Hello?
- Hey, it's 12.
I just wanted to see if
you found 6 yet.
I'm starting to worry this might be
another Pitbull 9 situation.
What do you mean?
What happened to Pitbull 9?
Ah, man, he was the best of us.
He looked and moved
exactly like Pitbull.
Man, certified for concert work,
but it got too much.
Always dancing, never sleeping.
I don't know when the pills started,
but I know when they stopped.
One day he was shooting
a commercial for Dale,
Pitbull's new tequila.
They found him dead backstage.
Oh, my God.
Linda said it was an accident.
But how do you slit
both wrists by accident?
Well, we know where 6 is. He's alive.
I'll make sure nothing bad happens.
Oh, thank God.
How'd you find him?
Um
you know, looking hard.
General searching.
They always fucking find us.
How do they always find us?
Okay, look, I'm not supposed
to tell you this,
but Linda has a
tracking device on you.
It's in your tattoo.
What the fuck?
So I'm chipped like a dog?
- Jillian, you coming?
- I'm so sorry. I have to go.
This is my original single.
"Nothing Like Sunshine
On Your Birthday."
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
You happy when it's sunny
on your birthday ♪
You're sad when it's cloudy
on your birthday ♪
Baby girl, don't cry,
the sun's gonna shine ♪
You're gonna be happy
on your birthday ♪
[MUSIC STOPS]
Hey.
The crowd was just getting into it.
If even one person wants to
hear what this dude is singing,
- please raise your hand.
- Well, I loved it.
It had such a great message about, uh,
being happy on your birthday.
Yeah, man, you're a real
shooting star, but
You want me to go back
to the conference.
Yeah, I know why you're here.
Relax. I wouldn't leave you
hanging like that.
Ryan Mildo's gonna blow
the roof off that place.
- What?
- Who the fuck is Ryan Mildo?
Me. Now you know my real name.
And soon, the rest of
the world will too.
Mildo like dildo.
It rhymes with dildo.
It's not like dildo.
Okay, I'm sorry. What the
fuck is happening here?
'Cause you really think you
gonna start over
as a grown-ass man
and become a pop star.
I mean, maybe.
I know it's not gonna happen
overnight,
but if being Pitbull's
taught me one thing,
it's how to hustle and grind.
I've got a five year plan.
A fucking five year plan.
Look, let me let you in on
a little secret, Mildo.
Being poor sucks.
I was broke before I got this job
and it was fine. I was happy.
Yeah, yeah, most poor people happy.
They eat their combo meals,
they watch TV, they go to bed.
But the only reason
they can sleep is because
they don't know
how good rich people got it.
I mean, they think they
understand because they watch
a episode of "Entourage,"
but they can't even begin
to imagine how easy
everyday life is for some people.
But not you. [LAUGHS]
You, you fucking know, Mildo.
The penthouses, Miami tens.
What they got you flying now?
What, first class?
Private.
Fucking PJs?
You ate the fruit from
the Tree of Knowledge
and ain't no going back now, Mildo.
Let me tell you about
your little five year plan.
You gon' wake up every day
and you are going to be furious.
Furious at the struggle.
Furious at the unfairness.
Furious at Pitbull.
And that fury is gonna
eat away and eat away
and eat away at you until
there's nothing good left,
so what's it gonna be, Mildo?
♪
Please
Call me Pitbull.
[LAUGHS] Look who we found.
Mr. Worldwide himself. Mr. 305. Mr
What the fuck did you do?
We are more than just Pitbulls.
We are human beings.
With our own lives and our own names.
Our rights have been ignored.
And we've been stripped of
basic dignities.
Like our right to privacy.
And our right to love who we want.
We will not dance.
We will not sing.
We will not start the party.
Operations at
Mr. Worldwide International
are hereby ceased.
Dale!
It's a Mr. Worldwide walkout.
Pitbull's gonna be so fucking pissed!
Well, you two dunces lit a match.
Now, the whole thing's on fire.
Pitbull put out a statement.
Apparently, he didn't know
anything about
the working conditions of his doubles.
You know one of them killed himself?
We did know that, yes.
Yeah, well, Pitbull didn't.
And now, he's taking a step
back to listen and learn.
And since nobody listens harder
or steps back further than Pitbull,
he's shutting down the whole program.
He's pulling all his endorsements.
He's even pulling diet Doctor Blanco.
Pitbull's on in one minute.
Oh, this is a fucking disaster.
So why don't you do it?
You can sell anything.
[SCOFFS] You think
I'm gonna get up on stage
and talk about
how I have penis problems?
So everybody thinks I got
a piddly little booger dick
that squirts clear? Fuck that.
My shit is hard as a rock
and it shoots Elmer's
by the fucking gallon.
Saw palmetto berries
help with the prostate,
not the penis.
The prostate is the penis! Grow up!
So what are we gonna do?
The crowd's waiting.
I don't know.
Just call the whole thing off.
Say Pitbull got sick
and you two are fired.
Clean out your hotel rooms.
I'm cancelling
your plane tickets home.
How do we get back?
Imagine me giving one, tiny,
little mini fuck.
You could walk home for all I care.
You know what?
Fine. We don't need you.
Or your fancy hotels
or your champagne planes
because we're gonna build
a new farm from the ground up
where we treat people right.
And it doesn't matter
how hard we have to work
or how long it takes because this
Actually, if I could interject.
Kind of in the middle of a big speech.
I know, I know. I'm sorry, I just
I think there's a way we can
still fix this Pitbull thing.
Exactly.
Who needs Pitbull when
you have Ryan
You're not getting on stage, Mildo.
Ladies and gentlemen, for Dominine,
the moment
you've all been waiting for.
What are you gonna do?
Go out there and try to sell
Predator Power.
Can't lose our jobs, Jillian,
not if we want to save up
for our own farm.
I mean, I guess you're right,
but people are expecting Pitbull.
Are you gonna dance?
I'm realizing now
I've never seen you dance.
Maybe you're amazing at it.
I am an amazing dancer,
but not tonight.
Just tell them about all
the good saw palmetto can do.
Okay?
Four, three, two, one ♪
♪
Come on ♪
Please welcome Mr. Worldwide, Mr. 305,
the one, the only, Pitbull!
Uh, hey.
I know you're excited to see
Pitbull, but
he's not coming. Sorry.
Look, I could stand here and tell you
Pitbull got sick,
but I'm not gonna lie.
The truth is,
the endorsement fell through.
Business shit. It happens.
But here's another thing that's true.
We didn't actually need a celebrity
to sell Predator Power
because these pills are
gonna help people.
Let me tell you a story
about my father.
When I was 12 years old,
my father was taken from me
by one of the deadliest
predators in the world:
prostate cancer.
What the fuck?
I dedicated my life to making sure
no family would suffer like mine did.
I was determined to find a cure
and I did.
Because Predator Power pills
prevent prostate cancer
in 75% of men.
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, hell yeah.
They are a fucking magic bullet.
We have studies.
I shouldn't even be
telling you about it yet.
But these studies will prove
saw palmetto berries
in Dominine's specific
patented formulation
mixed with cancer eradicating
shark cartilage
save lives.
So I have a message for
prostate cancer:
you can suck my dick.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Wow.
- Fucking love this guy.
There's a new apex
predator on planet Earth
and if comes in a fucking bottle.
So place your orders now.
♪
Fuck yeah, man!
I was getting calls from buyers
while you're still up on the stage.
Hey, did your dad
really die of cancer?
- No.
- I love it!
You know, you try and pretend like
you're this cuddly teddy bear,
but you're just a big cave troll
with piss running through his veins.
- You're rehired.
- And Jillian?
Sure, yeah. Just fix the accent.
I got to take this. Hey, CVS.
Yeah, you dumb motherfuckers.
Time to pay up.
What was that?
Rodney was gonna say
the cancer thing anyway.
At least this saved our jobs.
But the stuff about your dad
I thought it'd be more believable
if I made it personal. It's nothing.
I mean, the way dad
lived his life has effected
every decision you've ever made
up until this point.
But what the fuck do I know.
I'm sorry.
But Camille is counting on me.
Nessa's counting on me.
It doesn't mean I'm giving up
on our new farm.
This was the only path forward.
I'm sure there were paths
that didn't include
lying about curing cancer.
Preventing cancer.
But I hate myself.
This is gonna eat at me forever.
I don't know how I'll sleep tonight.
[SNORING]
Guess I'll see you back here
in a couple of hours.
- Mm-hmm.
- Want to get breakfast?
I got to grab my keys.
It'll only take a second.
I want to go home and shower.
Thanks though.
All right.
Jesus!
- What are you doing here?
- I got in early.
That's the problem with
your generation.
You don't understand hard work.
Okay, well,
I just came to grab one thing.
Don't let me interrupt.
Do you know how bad you are
at running a business?
Even after I fired
all those extra people,
you're still bleeding cash.
What? You fired them.
I told you the Boones are important.
You said you got it.
I thought that meant you got it.
What I got is that you're an idiot
who was in over his head.
You do illegal shit in cash.
- Don't put it on the books.
- Okay. [STAMMERS]
What did they say when you fired them?
Were they mad?
Well
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
- Hey, there, Jillian.
- [GASPS]
You're gonna be happy on
your birthday ♪
- Yeah, I was born ♪
- I was born.
I was born today so light it up ♪
- Light it up!
- Like a candle today ♪
- And I would die ♪
- I will die.
If you take it away ♪
'Cause it's gotta be
sunny on my birthday ♪
All it takes for you to be
happy is just ♪
A little bit of sunshine ♪
Who needs all of this money, honey ♪
When I can make you all mine? ♪
- Clouds ain't gonna rain ♪
- Nope.
Won't wash all your
presents down the drain ♪
Hell, nah.
You gotta be, you wanna be ♪
It's gonna be sunny
on your birthday ♪
- Yeah, I was born ♪
- I was born.
I was born today so light it up ♪
- Light it up!
- Like a candle today ♪
- And I would die ♪
- I will die.
If you take it away ♪
'Cause it's gotta be
sunny on my birthday ♪
Oh!
- Whoa ♪
- Yeah.
- Oh, oh, oh ♪
- [IMITATES GUNSHOTS]
- Whoa, oh, oh, oh ♪
- Yeah.
- Whoa ♪
- All right.
Oh, oh ♪
Money, honey, money, honey,
money, honey.
- Oh, oh, oh ♪
- Uh!
A Ryan Mildo original.
Any similarities to
any artist out there
is just pure coincidence.
It's gotta be sunny on my birthday ♪
It's all sunny, baby.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.
[JAZZ MUSIC]
Whatever Lola wants ♪
Lola gets ♪
- Hi, there.
- I don't think so.
- Champagne?
- Not tonight.
[SIGHS]
- Make up your mind ♪
- What's this?
Dale and soda.
No regrets ♪
Recline yourself ♪
What do I owe you?
It's on him.
♪
Oh, Jesus.
- Cut!
- That's a cut.
What the fuck? Where is he?
Does he know his cue?
He knows his cue.
I just can't find him.
What do you mean you can't find him?
Try asking one of his ten assistants.
Does anyone have eyes on talent?
He was just here.
Can I step out for a second?
- Yeah, go.
- Thanks.
Go ahead. Everyone, back to one.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[SCREAMS]
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
- Why is your trailer sideways?
- Well, there was an accident.
You don't have to answer.
I know it's because you're stupid.
So you guys know Prada Lamonca, right?
Hi, I'm Jillian.
And you probably don't remember me,
but I was at your seminar.
"You probably don't
remember me" was perfect.
Okay, here's the deal.
Rodney wants to launch
our supplement line
in three months, Prada will be
overseeing production,
and I'm the new head manager
for Predator Power.
What the hell is Predator Power?
Well, Rodney thought
"saw palmetto extract" had
limp dick vibes, so we're
mixing in shark cartilage
and changing the name: Predator Power.
"Get predatory."
Predator as in sexual predator?
Sounds a little problematic.
Rodney says controversy sells.
You know his first real estate
book was called
"Kill Your Parents, Sell Their House."
It's a New York Times best seller.
I'm sorry, what is all this?
Oh, those are our payroll numbers.
"Those are our payroll numbers."
Yeah, I know what they are.
But why does a small farm
have so many employees
and why are they all related?
Oh, uh, those are the Boones.
They're a key part of the team
in so far as they provide
extra legal services.
Okay. You bought protection
from some crooks.
Got it.
So the Boones, huh?
You out here doing side deals
with criminals now, hmm?
You know all those years
when I was a criminal,
all I wanted from you was a side deal
and you gave me nothing.
You stole my dream, Isaiah.
Why are you focusing on the past?
That's yesterday's shit.
You need to be looking to tomorrow,
which is when the future is.
Oh, is that when the future is?
You been spending too much
time with Rodney Lamonca.
You sound like a fucking Dominine hat.
Well, it's a good thing
I'm spending time with Rodney
because we're launching
Predator Power at the NFS con.
- It's a nutrition
- And food sciences convention.
Yeah, I was looking
forward to attending
while I still owned my own farm.
Well, pack your bags because
I talked Rodney into
letting you both go.
Free trip to San Diego, baby!
City of zoos.
Fuck San Diego. Fucking diet Miami.
I mean, a business trip
sounds kind of fun.
The furthest I ever went
for work was when
an Uber passenger had me drive
him to Charlotte.
He was on drugs and bought me
Bojangles twice. It was great.
You haven't even heard
the best part yet, J Glopp.
Rodney has a celebrity
spokesperson lined up
and we need someone to brief him on
the magical healing
powers of saw palmetto.
And since you two are the experts,
you get to hang out with
Mr. Worldwide himself.
Fucking Pitbull, huh?
Wow! Pitbull?
I've given people rides home
from his concert before.
- They always seem very horny.
- Mm.
Why you over there being so quiet?
Is it because
you're too horny to talk?
It's because I don't want to do this.
I'm sorry about the farm.
Okay, I got myself in
a bad situation in Phoenix
and this was the only way
I could think to get out of it.
And I feel really fucking bad
and I want to help you,
so please just let me help you.
I really don't have a choice, do I?
Man
Wow. First class.
I can't believe they let you
board before everybody else.
I've never had anyone
jealous of me before.
I heard one guy call me a rich bitch.
Look at all this leg room
and lay flat seats.
You know what it's like for
a guy my height to fly coach?
It's like trying to jam
a GI Joe into a Hot Wheels.
- Champagne?
- Ooh.
- No, thank you.
- I think it's complimentary.
Then yes, please.
- Can I keep the glass?
- Sure.
You should ask for yours too.
Then we'll have a set.
I'm not gonna do that.
Well, I still really love this.
Maybe it was all worth it
working for the Lamoncas.
No. Remember why
you're doing this, okay?
We just need to earn
enough money to buy a new farm.
- You really think we can?
- Yes, I do, Jillian.
In fact, I've already found us
the perfect plot of swamp land.
What?
Well, "perfect" might be
an overstatement.
The Boones were right, okay?
The pharmaceutical companies bought up
the entire Everglades.
Prices are insane.
- Down payment is 100 grand.
- Oh, wow.
But I guess that's only two
years of our Dominine salaries
assuming we don't eat,
pay taxes, or sleep inside.
We can still sleep inside.
It'll just be more like
five years of saving.
Okay, wow.
Five year plan to get us back
to where we were one month ago.
I don't know why I said that last bit.
- This is exciting.
- To starting over.
- To starting over.
- [GLASSES CLINK]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Oh, my God, Craig, look.
This hotel has free sewing kits.
Now, my bra can get
a few more months of life.
- Hey, good for you.
- [DOOR OPENS]
Welcome to San Diego.
Sweet suite, right?
You guys check out the bathroom?
Got a special spout
for your bootyhole.
It's whatever. Hotels are gross.
- Fucking used beds.
- Hey.
I was just downstairs
at the conference.
You know what I saw?
Three booths selling
saw palmetto extract.
I know, but we got that
shark collagen there, boss.
We the only ones doing that shit.
I also think saw palmetto
on its own has some
pretty amazing properties
that can really help people.
Holy shit. Has that
always been your accent?
Yes.
It sucks. Fix it.
Anyway, I got a great
idea for us to stand out.
Really make CVS' panties slick.
We say that Predator Power
pills prevent prostate cancer.
No. You can't say something
cures cancers if it doesn't.
I said prevents cancer, Craig.
No offense, but do you really
think people gonna believe
you found the cure for cancer?
I mean, you're not
exactly a scientist.
You're wearing a shiny shirt.
All right, let me let you in
on a little secret here, okay?
- People want to be lied to.
- I don't want to be lied to.
- Well, not you personally.
- You're one of the smart ones.
- Oh, okay.
- See? Right there.
Tell people what they want to hear
and these idiots will
believe anything.
Look, Rodney,
I think they have a point.
All right, this is a conference
for real businessmen.
Not the normal Dominine
Losers and fuckwads, yeah.
I just think these people
might be harder to scam.
But we don't have to scam 'em.
We got Pitbull.
Mr. Worldwide, Mr. 305.
All right, whatever,
but Pitbull better bring it.
And you two need to go brief him.
He's up in the penthouse. Top floor.
- We know what penthouse means.
- Top floor, got it.
Wow.
[LAUGHS] Welcome.
I'm Pitbull.
Let's make this a great day.
- Let's do it.
- You want to live life.
- Don't let life live you.
- Oh, for sure.
If you work hard, let that be
the fuel to your fire.
I will.
But don't forget to enjoy
the glow of that fire. [LAUGHS]
- I won't.
- Dale!
Hey, so we're here to brief you on
- saw palmetto facts.
- Yeah, come in. Have a seat.
I personally like to stand.
I always keep to my feet to
stay ready to hustle, grind,
make my dreams a reality.
Yeah, me too.
I'm always just standing up
for the same reason.
- Mm, mm.
- To hustle.
Okay, so five facts about
saw palmetto
Right on. Before we get to work,
would you like some refreshments?
I've got some chili lime kiki rikis.
They're the official corn chip
of Mr. Worldwide.
Oh, wow. They're so spicy.
- Where you from?
- Australia.
Oh, well, maybe in Australia,
you're okay with average chips.
But where I'm from,
in my household, in Miami,
there better be some heat, papí.
[LAUGHTER]
You want some diet Doctor
Blanco to wash that down?
- Sure.
- Diet Doctor Blanco?
It's the official clear cola
of Mr. Worldwide.
It's all the flavor
with none of the guilt.
- Dale!
- BOTH: Dale!
[SIGHS]
My soda's got the hardest
working fizz in the biz.
Ah!
Oh, Mr. Pitbull, your
- Hmm?
- Little beard.
- Your soul patch.
- It's on the can.
Oh, oh. [CHUCKLES] Shit, sorry.
[CLEARS THROAT] What we talking about?
The delicious taste of
diet Doctor Blanco.
Um, Mr. Pitbull,
would it be possible to
give us a second?
Yeah, sure.
- That's not Pitbull.
- What?
His soul patch came off.
He doesn't even look like him.
Course it's not fucking Pitbull.
- You knew?
- What?
Yeah, it's a Pitbull impersonator.
Certified by
Mr. Worldwide International.
These doubles look like Pitbull,
they sound like Pitbull,
they even fucking smell like Pitbull.
They wear the actual clothes
the real Pitbull sweat through.
Sounds kind of gross.
You know what's gross
is smelling like a nobody.
But people must know it's not Pitbull.
You forgot what I already taught you:
people want to be lied to.
They want to go home and
tell their fucking nurse
practitioner friends that
they met Pitbull on a business trip.
Yeah, sure, but we knew
he was fake right away.
It's 'cause you got up close.
Pitbull 6 is a long distance Pitbull.
He's rated for stage work
and tarmac waving.
I'm not gonna spend two million bucks
on a sunglasses off Pitbull.
Now, get back up to the penthouse
and do your fucking job. Top floor!
Top floor, got it.
So do we call you Pitbull 6
or do you have a real name?
Call me Pitbull because
that's who I am.
And if anybody heard you use
my actual name, I'd be fired.
Damn, Pitbull's a tough boss.
Pitbull is an incredible boss
and a naturally funny
conversationalist
who could do standup if he wanted.
It's Mr. Worldwide
International who are tough.
My handler Linda,
she's always on my ass.
Okay, Pitbull, um,
there are five key benefits
to saw palmetto
we'd like you to mention.
Prostate reduction, hair growth,
which we thought you could
make a funny joke
because you're bald.
Pitbull is bald by choice.
If he wanted to have hair,
it'd be down to his butt.
Your joke won't work.
Well, there's also increased libido.
Pitbull's libido is incredible.
He has so much sex,
we don't even masturbate.
And he only has sex with Miami tens.
You know what a Miami ten looks like?
Like a stripper from Grand Theft Auto.
Did you say,
"we don't even masturbate?"
Yeah, because everybody knows
Pitbull doesn't masturbate.
- Does everyone know that?
- Yeah.
So if I got caught,
that'd be as bad for the brand
as me being, I don't know,
seen on a date with some woman
from my past who's not
up to Pitbull's standards.
So you can't date either?
[LAUGHS] Of course not.
Bad for the brand.
Think what people would say
if they saw me out with Heather
who is so, so beautiful,
but not a Miami ten.
Is Heather your girlfriend?
[LAUGHING] Not anymore.
It's bad for the brand.
She wanted to start a family
and I wanted to be a father so bad,
but a bunch of little me's
running around calling me papí,
that that's not Pitbull.
- [LAUGHS]
- I'm so sorry.
Do you need a drink or something?
Oh, I'd love a drink,
but I'm not allowed.
- Bad for the brand.
- It's bad for the brand.
This is insane. You're a human being.
You should be able to make
your own choices.
No, Linda would find out.
She would always find out.
It's just the three of us here.
Nobody's gonna say anything.
Have a drink.
I promise you'll feel so much better.
You know we have to stay
within a pound of
Pitbull's actual weight at all times?
And sometimes he goes
so hard on stage,
he sweats off five pounds.
You know what that means for me?
Do you think you've had enough?
Man, you sound
just like fucking Linda.
"You can't drink anymore, Pitt 6.
Why'd you stop going to
your meetings, Pitt 6?"
- Meetings?
- So it's not all Pitbulls
who can't have alcohol.
That was just a rule for you?
Of course it's just for me.
I'm the only Pitbull with
a drinking problem.
And they're afraid of me
because they know
my solo music is
better than Pitbull's.
Linda's intimidated by my talent.
Listen to this.
This track's called
"I Love Dunking Basketballs."
[CHUCKLES]
I see a big, fat hoop ♪
You know I got to dunk ♪
Hey, hey, we really want to
hear the rest of your music,
but I'ma call room service,
order you a pot of black coffee.
I can't drink coffee.
I'm only allowed to drink CocoVOLT,
the official chocolate
energy drink of Mr. Worldwide.
Or maybe you should take a nap.
You might just need a little
break from being Pitbull.
You know what?
That's actually a great idea.
I do need a break.
- Okay, good.
- I fucking quit this job.
- What? No!
- Fuck Pitbull.
Fuck Mr. Worldwide. Fuck Linda.
I'm going to masturbate.
- You lost Pitbull?
- A Pitbull.
This is a disaster.
People will understand.
Mix-ups happen.
I wore mismatched socks today.
It's cute.
Shh. Shut up.
You know how much money I sunk
into this saw palmetto shit?
Oh, I don't know.
Including the free farm
that you stole from me? $0?
I'm talking about the conference.
The booth, all the merch.
Just renting the Pitbull was how much?
300 grand.
That seems like a wild use of money.
No, paying you two a salary
is the wild use of money.
You better find this guy.
If you don't, you're fired.
We'll find him. Don't worry.
Isaiah, you brought these
two dipshits in.
You go with them and make sure
they don't trip on their own dicks
trying to work a doorknob.
I know how to work a doorknob.
I don't have a dick.
So you have no idea where he went.
You just watched him run away.
Why didn't you go after him?
He was so fast.
I don't approve of
Mr. Worldwide International's
dietary restrictions,
but he seemed to be in
incredible shape.
Hey, be honest, Craig.
You trying to get fired?
'Cause I don't know what you think
Dominine severance pay is,
but it's bad.
No. I don't want to get fired.
I hate this job, but I need it.
We got to buy a new farm,
plus Vanessa and Camille
and the little white baby that
none of us are related to
- are counting on me.
- What are you talking about?
Oh, it's a long and interesting story
that I don't have to tell you
because we're not close no more.
Guys, look. Pitbull 6 left
his phone in the room.
- Phones are full of clues.
- It's locked.
How are we supposed to
get his passcode?
How about 305? He is Mr. 305.
A three digit passcode?
Those don't exist, Isaiah.
I'm learning you're dumb and a dick.
It's a terrible combination.
- Mm, and we're in.
- That's annoying.
Limited contacts. Pitbull 7,
Pitbull 8, Pitbull 10.
What happened to Pitbull 9?
- Oh.
- What?
Maybe seven ate nine.
- Jillian.
- Sorry.
Fuck it. One of these guys
gotta know something.
[LINE RINGS]
6, what's up?
I'm at the Doctor Blanco launch event.
This isn't 6. I'm actually a client.
Pitbull 6 had a bit of a freak out
and we sort of lost him.
Ah, fuck. What'd he freak out about?
I think he got fed up with
all the Pitbull rules.
Mr. Worldwide International
doesn't seem like
an easy place to work.
Oh, shit.
Was he performing at a wedding?
Weddings always make him
think about Heather.
I just wanted to see if
you knew his name
or had any idea
where he might've gone.
Nah. We were only allowed to
talk about Pitbull stuff.
If they catch us socializing,
that's two fireballs.
And three fireballs is a timber.
That means you going down.
They don't know shit.
Well, just call the company.
They got to have a way
to track him down.
No, we're not calling Linda.
I don't want him to get in
trouble with his boss.
It'll be fine. I promise I won't
tell Linda he was drinking.
[PHONE RINGS]
Mr. Worldwide International.
You have Linda Fox Platt.
Hi, I'm from Dominine.
Uh, we lost our Pitbull.
Fucking 6. Was he drinking
on the job again?
- No.
- No, no, no.
Nothing like that.
I told the hotel to
clean out the mini-bar,
but everyone's a dumb fuck.
[KEYBOARD CLICKING]
All right, it looks like he's
about 15 miles from the hotel.
How do you know that?
Well, he's got a company phone.
They're easy to track.
Well, we're on his phone.
We we called you from it.
Okay, look.
Here's the deal.
You cannot tell anyone this.
When I make my doubles
get their tattoos
so that they match Pitbull,
we also insert a subcutaneous
tracking device.
Oh, my God.
Sorry, but I got shithead
bosses breathing down my neck.
I could get fired if one of
my Pitts goes missing.
Just to be clear, I am not
complaining about Pitbull.
The real Pitbull is an amazing
boss and businessman
who actually had the idea for Amazon,
but knew he could do more good
through his music.
We all love Pitbull, Linda.
Can you please just tell us
where 6 went?
Hold on.
It says he's in there.
Guess he really needed that drink.
No, he's here for something worse.
Open mic night.
[PHONE BUZZING]
- Hello?
- Hey, it's 12.
I just wanted to see if
you found 6 yet.
I'm starting to worry this might be
another Pitbull 9 situation.
What do you mean?
What happened to Pitbull 9?
Ah, man, he was the best of us.
He looked and moved
exactly like Pitbull.
Man, certified for concert work,
but it got too much.
Always dancing, never sleeping.
I don't know when the pills started,
but I know when they stopped.
One day he was shooting
a commercial for Dale,
Pitbull's new tequila.
They found him dead backstage.
Oh, my God.
Linda said it was an accident.
But how do you slit
both wrists by accident?
Well, we know where 6 is. He's alive.
I'll make sure nothing bad happens.
Oh, thank God.
How'd you find him?
Um
you know, looking hard.
General searching.
They always fucking find us.
How do they always find us?
Okay, look, I'm not supposed
to tell you this,
but Linda has a
tracking device on you.
It's in your tattoo.
What the fuck?
So I'm chipped like a dog?
- Jillian, you coming?
- I'm so sorry. I have to go.
This is my original single.
"Nothing Like Sunshine
On Your Birthday."
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
You happy when it's sunny
on your birthday ♪
You're sad when it's cloudy
on your birthday ♪
Baby girl, don't cry,
the sun's gonna shine ♪
You're gonna be happy
on your birthday ♪
[MUSIC STOPS]
Hey.
The crowd was just getting into it.
If even one person wants to
hear what this dude is singing,
- please raise your hand.
- Well, I loved it.
It had such a great message about, uh,
being happy on your birthday.
Yeah, man, you're a real
shooting star, but
You want me to go back
to the conference.
Yeah, I know why you're here.
Relax. I wouldn't leave you
hanging like that.
Ryan Mildo's gonna blow
the roof off that place.
- What?
- Who the fuck is Ryan Mildo?
Me. Now you know my real name.
And soon, the rest of
the world will too.
Mildo like dildo.
It rhymes with dildo.
It's not like dildo.
Okay, I'm sorry. What the
fuck is happening here?
'Cause you really think you
gonna start over
as a grown-ass man
and become a pop star.
I mean, maybe.
I know it's not gonna happen
overnight,
but if being Pitbull's
taught me one thing,
it's how to hustle and grind.
I've got a five year plan.
A fucking five year plan.
Look, let me let you in on
a little secret, Mildo.
Being poor sucks.
I was broke before I got this job
and it was fine. I was happy.
Yeah, yeah, most poor people happy.
They eat their combo meals,
they watch TV, they go to bed.
But the only reason
they can sleep is because
they don't know
how good rich people got it.
I mean, they think they
understand because they watch
a episode of "Entourage,"
but they can't even begin
to imagine how easy
everyday life is for some people.
But not you. [LAUGHS]
You, you fucking know, Mildo.
The penthouses, Miami tens.
What they got you flying now?
What, first class?
Private.
Fucking PJs?
You ate the fruit from
the Tree of Knowledge
and ain't no going back now, Mildo.
Let me tell you about
your little five year plan.
You gon' wake up every day
and you are going to be furious.
Furious at the struggle.
Furious at the unfairness.
Furious at Pitbull.
And that fury is gonna
eat away and eat away
and eat away at you until
there's nothing good left,
so what's it gonna be, Mildo?
♪
Please
Call me Pitbull.
[LAUGHS] Look who we found.
Mr. Worldwide himself. Mr. 305. Mr
What the fuck did you do?
We are more than just Pitbulls.
We are human beings.
With our own lives and our own names.
Our rights have been ignored.
And we've been stripped of
basic dignities.
Like our right to privacy.
And our right to love who we want.
We will not dance.
We will not sing.
We will not start the party.
Operations at
Mr. Worldwide International
are hereby ceased.
Dale!
It's a Mr. Worldwide walkout.
Pitbull's gonna be so fucking pissed!
Well, you two dunces lit a match.
Now, the whole thing's on fire.
Pitbull put out a statement.
Apparently, he didn't know
anything about
the working conditions of his doubles.
You know one of them killed himself?
We did know that, yes.
Yeah, well, Pitbull didn't.
And now, he's taking a step
back to listen and learn.
And since nobody listens harder
or steps back further than Pitbull,
he's shutting down the whole program.
He's pulling all his endorsements.
He's even pulling diet Doctor Blanco.
Pitbull's on in one minute.
Oh, this is a fucking disaster.
So why don't you do it?
You can sell anything.
[SCOFFS] You think
I'm gonna get up on stage
and talk about
how I have penis problems?
So everybody thinks I got
a piddly little booger dick
that squirts clear? Fuck that.
My shit is hard as a rock
and it shoots Elmer's
by the fucking gallon.
Saw palmetto berries
help with the prostate,
not the penis.
The prostate is the penis! Grow up!
So what are we gonna do?
The crowd's waiting.
I don't know.
Just call the whole thing off.
Say Pitbull got sick
and you two are fired.
Clean out your hotel rooms.
I'm cancelling
your plane tickets home.
How do we get back?
Imagine me giving one, tiny,
little mini fuck.
You could walk home for all I care.
You know what?
Fine. We don't need you.
Or your fancy hotels
or your champagne planes
because we're gonna build
a new farm from the ground up
where we treat people right.
And it doesn't matter
how hard we have to work
or how long it takes because this
Actually, if I could interject.
Kind of in the middle of a big speech.
I know, I know. I'm sorry, I just
I think there's a way we can
still fix this Pitbull thing.
Exactly.
Who needs Pitbull when
you have Ryan
You're not getting on stage, Mildo.
Ladies and gentlemen, for Dominine,
the moment
you've all been waiting for.
What are you gonna do?
Go out there and try to sell
Predator Power.
Can't lose our jobs, Jillian,
not if we want to save up
for our own farm.
I mean, I guess you're right,
but people are expecting Pitbull.
Are you gonna dance?
I'm realizing now
I've never seen you dance.
Maybe you're amazing at it.
I am an amazing dancer,
but not tonight.
Just tell them about all
the good saw palmetto can do.
Okay?
Four, three, two, one ♪
♪
Come on ♪
Please welcome Mr. Worldwide, Mr. 305,
the one, the only, Pitbull!
Uh, hey.
I know you're excited to see
Pitbull, but
he's not coming. Sorry.
Look, I could stand here and tell you
Pitbull got sick,
but I'm not gonna lie.
The truth is,
the endorsement fell through.
Business shit. It happens.
But here's another thing that's true.
We didn't actually need a celebrity
to sell Predator Power
because these pills are
gonna help people.
Let me tell you a story
about my father.
When I was 12 years old,
my father was taken from me
by one of the deadliest
predators in the world:
prostate cancer.
What the fuck?
I dedicated my life to making sure
no family would suffer like mine did.
I was determined to find a cure
and I did.
Because Predator Power pills
prevent prostate cancer
in 75% of men.
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, hell yeah.
They are a fucking magic bullet.
We have studies.
I shouldn't even be
telling you about it yet.
But these studies will prove
saw palmetto berries
in Dominine's specific
patented formulation
mixed with cancer eradicating
shark cartilage
save lives.
So I have a message for
prostate cancer:
you can suck my dick.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Wow.
- Fucking love this guy.
There's a new apex
predator on planet Earth
and if comes in a fucking bottle.
So place your orders now.
♪
Fuck yeah, man!
I was getting calls from buyers
while you're still up on the stage.
Hey, did your dad
really die of cancer?
- No.
- I love it!
You know, you try and pretend like
you're this cuddly teddy bear,
but you're just a big cave troll
with piss running through his veins.
- You're rehired.
- And Jillian?
Sure, yeah. Just fix the accent.
I got to take this. Hey, CVS.
Yeah, you dumb motherfuckers.
Time to pay up.
What was that?
Rodney was gonna say
the cancer thing anyway.
At least this saved our jobs.
But the stuff about your dad
I thought it'd be more believable
if I made it personal. It's nothing.
I mean, the way dad
lived his life has effected
every decision you've ever made
up until this point.
But what the fuck do I know.
I'm sorry.
But Camille is counting on me.
Nessa's counting on me.
It doesn't mean I'm giving up
on our new farm.
This was the only path forward.
I'm sure there were paths
that didn't include
lying about curing cancer.
Preventing cancer.
But I hate myself.
This is gonna eat at me forever.
I don't know how I'll sleep tonight.
[SNORING]
Guess I'll see you back here
in a couple of hours.
- Mm-hmm.
- Want to get breakfast?
I got to grab my keys.
It'll only take a second.
I want to go home and shower.
Thanks though.
All right.
Jesus!
- What are you doing here?
- I got in early.
That's the problem with
your generation.
You don't understand hard work.
Okay, well,
I just came to grab one thing.
Don't let me interrupt.
Do you know how bad you are
at running a business?
Even after I fired
all those extra people,
you're still bleeding cash.
What? You fired them.
I told you the Boones are important.
You said you got it.
I thought that meant you got it.
What I got is that you're an idiot
who was in over his head.
You do illegal shit in cash.
- Don't put it on the books.
- Okay. [STAMMERS]
What did they say when you fired them?
Were they mad?
Well
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
- Hey, there, Jillian.
- [GASPS]
You're gonna be happy on
your birthday ♪
- Yeah, I was born ♪
- I was born.
I was born today so light it up ♪
- Light it up!
- Like a candle today ♪
- And I would die ♪
- I will die.
If you take it away ♪
'Cause it's gotta be
sunny on my birthday ♪
All it takes for you to be
happy is just ♪
A little bit of sunshine ♪
Who needs all of this money, honey ♪
When I can make you all mine? ♪
- Clouds ain't gonna rain ♪
- Nope.
Won't wash all your
presents down the drain ♪
Hell, nah.
You gotta be, you wanna be ♪
It's gonna be sunny
on your birthday ♪
- Yeah, I was born ♪
- I was born.
I was born today so light it up ♪
- Light it up!
- Like a candle today ♪
- And I would die ♪
- I will die.
If you take it away ♪
'Cause it's gotta be
sunny on my birthday ♪
Oh!
- Whoa ♪
- Yeah.
- Oh, oh, oh ♪
- [IMITATES GUNSHOTS]
- Whoa, oh, oh, oh ♪
- Yeah.
- Whoa ♪
- All right.
Oh, oh ♪
Money, honey, money, honey,
money, honey.
- Oh, oh, oh ♪
- Uh!
A Ryan Mildo original.
Any similarities to
any artist out there
is just pure coincidence.
It's gotta be sunny on my birthday ♪
It's all sunny, baby.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.