Laid (2011) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Roo doesn't want to see you.
Ever again.
I mean, how long can I keep pushing things? I tried to molest him, tried to steal his sperm.
Not proud of that.
You've been off playing Jesus while I'm getting on with things.
I'm not playing! The wedding's off.
We're off.
Have a nice life.
If Roo's gonna lie to me, shut me out, maybe I should just let her be, just disappear.
Stay with me.
Alright? Ruth? Sorry to wake you, love.
There's been a phone call.
It's bad news, I'm afraid.
Death.
Death is a part of life.
It's never a welcome part.
I mean, how do you even say How do you even begin to say goodbye to someone? I can't do this.
Yep, you can.
We're going to do this with dignity.
It's the least we can do.
And then we're going to drink a bottle of scotch.
You gonna get that? Yeah, yeah I will.
In a second.
Shit.
Time to go? It is.
You OK? Yeah.
You? Not really.
Want a hit? It's good stuff.
I love you.
I love you too.
Ah well, here we are.
Let's get this bit over with.
Oh, sorry, do you need a hand? Turn that thing off.
Yeah, alright.
Do you want me to get the wheelchair out for you? No, no, I'm fine.
You've got enough going on.
You go.
I'll take my time.
Are you sure? Yeah.
OK.
that laughter really is the best revenge, and for yelling at me for slouching.
But thanks most of all for showing me what fierce, unconditional love is.
So, wherever you are, I, um I hope you're winning at backgammon, and who knows and who knows if it really is heaven, Nan-Nan? Maybe you're even watching Bert.
I hope so.
I'll miss you and I love you.
She wasn't even your grandmother.
Oh, you two! It's his mum's day, not yours.
Why shouldn't I show my appreciation? I'm not uptight.
I'm not afraid to celebrate pure emotion.
I just want Charlie to have a long and full life like Nan-Nan's.
Is that too much to ask? Oh, Charlie's fine.
Apart from the whole assisted breathing thing, he's in fine form.
Taut.
You are worse than your mother.
Oh! Sorry, Dad.
I have to take this.
We're at a wake! I'll be quick.
I wasn't allowed to use my phone at Uncle Doug's funeral.
You were making calls to Sportsbet while they were lowering the coffin into the ground.
It's what he would have wanted.
What do you want? I'm at my Nan-Nan's wake.
My boyfriend's in there.
My whole family.
I'm grieving.
As am I.
Get in.
I can't leave.
I'm not leaving.
You've got to stop calling me.
I'll meet you when I can, OK? No.
Well, that's the best I can do.
Oh! Oh! Have you said hello? I nodded.
She's looking pretty good, G.
Maybe she's making an effort.
Could be a trap.
Marion's a very complicated woman.
It's in the genes.
Just go and tell her you love her.
It's not that simple.
It is.
Well, it should be, but for some reason we go out with people who think they're Jesus.
Did I miss anything? Your grandma mashed your great-grandma's head with a broomstick.
Nothing weird, though.
Where have you been? Nowhere.
Toilet.
Curse of being popular.
I might get some fresh air.
It can't have been a very successful toilet visit if she's still walking like that.
Who are you hiding from? I'm just nobody.
I'm grieving.
Doesn't look like grieving to me.
What would you know about grieving? You turned Nan-Nan's head into a pinata and filled it with Smarties.
It was in her will.
She was high on morphine when she wrote that, and you forged her signature.
Come on, love.
What's really going on? There's someone here to see you.
Oh, Marcus, hi! Great to see you! Not another one of your drumming circle.
No, Marcus is one of Roo's friends, actually.
Are you OK? What's he doing here? I know, right.
Who gatecrashes a wake? I mean, who gatecrashes a wake? We need to talk.
Not here.
I'm not leaving.
So we'll stay.
Those sausage rolls are quite good.
No.
Your nan seems nice.
No! Has she got cataracts? She doesn't look well.
I'd be happy to help her out.
OK.
OK.
At least let me go and talk to Charlie first.
Oh, sure.
Perhaps we can discuss penis splint stories.
Oh, and I've been meaning to return his turkey baster.
Shall we go get it from the car? Now? Shut the door.
I need a moment.
You need a moment? What, the car ride wasn't enough for you? I'm not sure I could form the words to express what has befallen me.
I'm sure you can.
Don't interrupt.
I can't I have lost the ability to perform.
You can't get it up? This is the big emergency? This warrants midnight window tappings, 37 text messages? My great-grandma just died.
Well, I can't fuck her and fix her now, can I? That is entirely inappropriate.
This is life and death.
This is my dick! I'm sure she has a very good reason, love.
Marcus can be very persuasive.
He's quite the wordsmith.
She's always had unusual taste in boys.
Mum.
Yeah, well Marcus is a very interesting prospect in an unconventional way.
Graham! So are you too, Charlie, of course.
Phone's still off.
She obviously doesn't want to be found.
I'm sure there's a really good reason.
One minute you wouldn't have sex with me if I was the last woman on earth.
Now you want my help.
Why? Why should I? Ever since you walked in that door, a hex has been upon me.
Bad things have been happening.
Things like this.
I wish we'd never met.
Of course, it's my fault.
Well, I'm glad we agree on something.
As much as I'm loath to admit it, we have some twisted connection.
You've brought this on with your poisoning ways, ergo it's your job to fix it.
Do you want me to Are you suggesting hands-on helping? Oh, I get it.
Oh, so this is another plan to force fornication from me.
By making you flaccid? What do you want me to do? I don't know.
Just fix it without touching it.
Just undo whatever you did.
If I fix it, you kind of owe me.
One could see it that way.
One would.
Well, maybe you're just overthinking things.
Well, it's difficult not to, given my brain capacity.
Maybe if you stopped setting yourself up as this all-healing demigod and just saw yourself as a normal, ordinary guy, it would take the pressure off.
I'm not a normal, ordinary guy.
No, you are not.
Put on a jacket and some shoes.
Well, socks too.
Ha! Surprise! What the hell are you doing? Make up sex.
I was just at a funeral.
Yeah, I know.
People get aroused at funerals.
It's all about, you know, seizing life.
My life is better without you in it.
I thought I made that pretty clear.
Yeah, but you always say that.
You yell, I yell, we break up, you yell some more, and then we have sexies and then we get back together.
This is where you yell some more.
Why aren't you yelling? There's nothing left to yell.
Ah.
Um, let's see.
I'm irresponsible.
I make terrible life choices.
I eat all the pistachios and then I throw all the shells back in the bowl, and Get dressed, Zach, please.
No.
It's time to move on.
For both of us.
Where are your clothes? Don't have any.
Then how did you Actually, I don't want to know.
Ah, you can take the sheet.
It's fine, I don't want it.
Stress is one of the main causes of erectile dysfunction.
Is this when you pull out the nasal spray? Tried that.
No sprays, no drugs.
My approach is simple.
Goodbye stress, hello stiffy.
Nice slogan.
Thanks.
We're drinking Guinness because Vitamin B is a stress inhibitor? No, we're drinking Guinness because that's what people do in bars when they're out to pick up.
What about the Vitamin B? Forget about the Vitamin B.
If you can pick up and potentially have sex without the pressure of being a miracle-worker, then maybe your down-under health will return.
That's my theory.
Where are you going? It's not going to work.
Don't dismiss it immediately.
Alright, watch.
The lipstick's a nice touch.
But let's face it, you'll be going home alone.
You know it, I know it.
So why don't we cut the crap and go get nasty? Fuck you, loser! That's entirely what I was suggesting.
Has anybody ever told you you look like Judge Judy? Hey there.
You look like you'd have a neat vagina.
It's hard to tell through clothing.
She was begging me back, and I blew her right off.
The relationship was going nowhere.
I was sick of it, you know? I know.
Marcus Dwyer's office.
Lockjaw? Yes, we can squeeze you in Wednesday at 3.
Thank you for calling.
I made her cry.
The girl on the phone? EJ.
What about your powers? Wasn't she into those? She's immune.
So's Lucifer.
Hi.
I'm Chrissie.
Which one of you is Marcus? I'm more experienced in the lady department.
I'm barrel-chested.
I found him.
I bonded with him.
Did not.
Did too.
He's my spirit guide.
We're both Leos.
I've just been dumped.
You should be a mate.
I thought you dumped EJ.
Jesus.
No fair.
You can be Marcus next time.
Pinky promise.
She should be with Charlie.
Did you see his little face? The heart works in mysterious ways.
This has nothing to do with the heart.
Well if Roo and Marcus are meant to be Wait, you actually want your daughter to marry the sex pest? Who am I to judge? You've gone all strange.
Yeah, I have a bit.
I know Roo, and the only way she'd do what she did is for Charlie.
She loves him.
Love makes you do crazy things.
Zach gave me a bucket bong once.
Marion thinks all romance is a sign of weakness.
She's she's just so fiery about everything.
Please, I'd take fiery over retarded.
Zach thinks the Queen and Judi Dench are the same person.
She was a great kisser.
She's not dead.
I am to her, though.
To great loves.
And the not so great.
EJ, I was wondering Yeah.
You don't have to say yes straightaway.
I mean, you can think about it.
But um Would you Would you be open to a breath class? Why not, G? You only live once.
Oh, that's so great.
I haven't run a class for ages.
That's so great.
Uh-huh.
You wait.
Need that many cushions? Oh, yeah! Come on, come on! You're just wasting my time.
I'm not.
You weren't even trying.
I was.
That was me trying.
Is this another one of your little power games, is it? There's nothing even wrong with you.
Roo, please.
Stop! I was trying.
This is my personality.
It's repellent.
I did warn you.
I'll do anything.
Please.
Just a sec.
You have nice hair.
Thank you.
And full lips.
My mother had full lips.
What? That's not an insult.
Don't reference your mother when you're trying to pick someone up.
Noted.
What else? I'm not going to coach you on how to pick me up.
For this to work, it's got to feel real.
So just use your imagination.
I know you have one.
When I first saw you, you made no impression whatsoever.
Nothing stood out.
Beige.
Alright! That's But then when you came back with chemo boy, I knew you were something different.
Yeah, I could feel it in my bladder.
It was like nerves and gastro and too much MSG.
I didn't like it at all.
And then when you were gone, I could see you every time I shut my eyes.
It's like you were burnt into my retinas.
I closed my eyes a lot that day.
That's very sweet.
Especially when I was working.
That's not.
I've told you things I've never told anyone else.
Because there is no-one else? I like that you don't take my shit.
You made me sing Roxette at karaoke.
How was that not taking your shit? Hello You fool I love you Something something joyride.
When was a kid all I ever wanted to be when I grew up was George from the Famous Five.
Me too.
A little bit girl, a little bit boy.
She was probably the first and last children's own adventure hermaphrodite.
So, do do you have a girlfriend? What? Why? She must be pretty open-minded to put up with all of this.
There there is no she.
Not anymore.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Me too.
So, what happens now? I might just go stretch.
You should too.
I'll be back in a tick.
So, how'd I go? Well, I deducted points for racism, but overall you got a 7.
4 out of 10.
Now you know I prefer the five-star system.
You could be a decent guy if you let yourself.
You're funny when you want to be.
You're smart.
And you don't smell too bad.
So what's next? What do normal people do next? Did I get to first base? Is this first base? Ah, no, first base is a kiss.
That's what normal people tend to do next.
So this is where your theoretical experiment ends.
As a scientist, you make a great Enid Blyton fan.
I didn't say that.
So that's that was the There you go.
That was first base.
Are you OK? Ah, for second base? You are so much smarter than you look.
You were right.
Taking the pressure off me has shifted it to my pants.
Right where it should be.
Really? So soon? Good.
Good.
Ah, perhaps we should discuss our deal I can still make my thyroid at 7.
30 if I'm quick.
You're welcome.
Don't mention it.
Can we get on with this? I really can't afford to go into overtime with the babysitter.
Yep, sure.
Maybe I'll just, um, turn out the light.
Nope.
That is not going to work.
Mmmmmm! Anything? No, I don't think so.
Is that like foreplay? Mmmmmm! What the hell's this? You were just meant to change the hand towels, not mess with the stock.
Oh no, no, ahh Get out! I'm Marcus.
It was my turn to be Marcus.
Real Marcus totally queue-jumped.
I can't believe you didn't sink the pink with Chrissie.
Did you see her calves? Next time I'm definitely Marcus! Roo.
Jan.
He's asleep.
Right.
I I might just pop my head in.
They sedated him.
Oh.
He was in quite a state.
I see.
I think I might wait.
I think it might be best if you ran along home.
You'll tell him I was here? That I came to see him? Of course.
Ah yes, that's better.
That's much better.
Now you've finally stopped sniggering.
I think I can feel something actually releasing.
Anahatha.
It's the heart's chakra breaking up.
Healing.
No, I think it's indigestion.
Do you know, I had four breakfasts today and not one lunch? Don't do that.
Do what? Undercut yourself with humour.
You do it all the time.
You're better than that.
You're worth more.
If you could only see what I can see.
It's it's beautiful.
I know, I know - I've got a lot of explaining to do.
Honestly, Dad, the way you force your breath work on people, it's like spiritual Amway.
Can we talk about this later?