Lead Balloon (2006) s02e05 Episode Script
Sick
Adam, the answer you've given for your own question is 1 91 2.
Jackie, for f5,OOO you have to decide if Adam is lying or flying.
Oohum It must have been around then.
But 1 91 2? - I'm going to say Adam's lying.
- So you're saying Adam is lying? If you're right and Adam is lying, then you're flying, which means that you, as the flier, get to challenge No.
Because you're flying, you'reyou're lyingand Adam It's very simple.
It's a game of bluff.
Rick? May I? Adam, you asked Jackie when Tennessee Williams was born.
You told her that the answer was 1 91 2.
Jackie said that you are lying.
Adam, are you lying or flying? I AM lying.
It was 1 91 1 .
Well done, Jackie.
Now YOU'RE flying.
Your turn to ask a question.
Hit me with it.
You see? So that's how it works.
You've obviously got something good here.
You've just got to make it clearer.
I agree.
I mean, you were confusing yourself.
Mmm, not really, I wasn't - It WAS a bit of a mess.
- It IS supposed to Why don't you take it away, see if you can nail it down, and come in and see us again? - Sure.
Love to.
- Anything in particular? Have you ever thought about presenting? You're good.
- Yeah, you are, very good.
- Well, I did a bit of stand-up Yeah, he'she's very much just the writer on this.
I wanna get by but I really can't take the pain Cos it will blow away my soul like a hurricane Oh, I'm like a one-man band (PENCIL CLINKS) Thanks.
- They're all wet.
- I know.
Bloody paracetamol.
I wish they'd mark their packets clearly - "Yes, they dissolve " or "No, they don't, you'll choke to death trying to swallow them.
" - So, how are you feeling? - Not great.
Poor you.
So you're just going to stay in bed, then? I'm gonna have to.
Can you call Izy for me? Do you think you'll be better tomorrow? UmI hope so.
It's probably one of those 2q-hour things.
I just need to sleep.
I'll call her.
- If there'sanything urgent? - It'll have to wait.
Only you don't want to go back and discover Please Cos that can happen, if you take a break and Rick, leave me alone.
I just need some sleep.
Yeah, OK.
I'll leave you to rest.
Thanks.
Oh, they liked the quiz show, by the way.
mmmct Lying Or Flying.
The meeting went very well.
Except Marty kept jumping in and confusing - I think he was confusing himself - Rick! I don't even know if he really understands the rules.
It's very simple, it's just a game of bluff.
The flier keeps going until you Rick, please! Go away! OK (SHE SIGHS) I'll call Izy for you.
Oh, thanks, Izy.
Yeah No, I'll pass that on to her That's great.
Yup.
Well look, I've got her phone, so any worries, yeah, just call.
All right, bye.
What?Just being helpful.
Mmm.
So what's up with Mel? It's some kind of flu.
But you know, sometimes I think it's a question of not giving in to these things.
You gave in quickly when you pulled out of that Amnesty gig.
I was really ill.
The doctor was worried it was meningitis.
No YOU were worried it was.
The doctor said it was a cold.
Well, how he can diagnose THA on the phone, I don't know.
Come on, let's knock this treatment into shape.
Not that there's anything wrong with it.
If you hadn't screwed up, we'd have a commission.
- I didn't screw up.
- You were getting it wrong.
- You kept butting in.
- OK.
Whatever.
So we're pitching the show.
We've got Adam and Jackie sitting there.
Explain the rules.
OK Do you think Jackie's a lesbian? - What? - Jackie.
Do you think? - Why do you wanna know? - Just curious.
She was perfectly nice, I was just Didn't think much of Adam.
"You were confusing yourself.
" Specy twat.
Oh, man I don't think he needed glasses.
Those were for effect.
- Rick.
I really wanna get this done.
- OK.
- So we've got Jackie and Adam.
- In his stupid glasses.
Yes, in his stupid glasses sitting next to Jackie the lesbian.
- Now explain the goddamn rules.
- OK.
(MOBILE RINGS) Sorry.
It's Mel's phone.
Hello? Hi, Izy.
Yeah.
No, no worries.
No, I'm not busy Yeah Yes.
(COUGHS) Morning, Magda.
Oh, don't come near me, I'm not well.
Oh, really? Oh, I have bad headache.
Oh, well, there you are I have same thing as Mel.
Oh, I VERY much doubt it.
I mean, she really is ill.
I had to insist she stayed in bed.
Yes, but I can cary on, because I make special soup.
Plus you're not actually that ill.
You've just got a cold.
Hm? And maybe you'd feel better if you did a bit of hoovering or something.
And obviously, ifyou're not well, then have the day off.
In my county we make this soup when we are not well.
We think it's better than medicine.
Yeah, but then your county has a life expectancy of q7, so (COUGHS) (SPnS) Oh, look, Magda, why don't you go home? Perhaps it's best.
And you know what? Take tomorrow off as well.
I will make Mel some soup.
Well, I REALLY wouldn't bother.
Not unless it's penicillin-flavoured, hm? But thank you anyway.
All right, Izy.
Now listen to me.
This is the plan.
You e-mail it over to me and then I'll I'll show it to Mel a bit later on.
Yeah.
OK, bye.
I'm sittin' here in awe.
It's like havin' lunch with Alan Sugar.
There you go.
Two toasted specials.
Thanks, Michael.
Oh, I like your new mobile.
Very metrosexual.
Yeah, it's Mel's, actually.
She's quite ill.
OhI see.
Sorry to hear that.
She's got one of these viral things.
Really knocked her out.
Oh, that's awful.
Poor Mel.
Still, I do sometimes think with these things it's a question of not giving in to them.
Mmmnot really.
Not when it's an actual illness.
Oh, that's the thing with me.
I just don't do "ill".
"Just don't do ill.
" Maybe Mel should try that.
It's a question of attitude.
I just don't believe in illness.
You don't have to believe in chickenpox to get that, or measles So I literally haven't had a day off work sincesince I All that business with the The, um Anyway, I left that job.
Oh, by the way, have you seen this? This Friday is our Third World Awareness Day.
- What? I missed the first two? - Sorry? Forget it.
It's a chance for all of us to do our bit to help the less fortunate.
You've gotta feel sorry - all that illness and disease, they must have a really bad attitude.
Well, I do sometimes think that, but still, we've got to do what we can.
Oh, incidentally, what I said about Mel, I hope it didn't sound uncaring.
No, it's fine.
It's just, as far as I'm concerned, illness is all in the mind.
Yeah, just really busy at the moment, you know, what withthis and that.
Just knackered.
Just aren't enough hours in the day, are there? No.
Or the night.
- How is she? - Uh, yeah Pretty much the same, really.
Um, do you think she needs a doctor, Dad? No, it's just one of those flu things.
Yeah, I had something like that.
Wiped me out, you know.
I was flat on my back for weeks.
Couldn't do anything.
But yougot over it? Yeah, yeah.
No, bounced back.
Well, that's good.
Oh, Dad, me and Ben were thinking that Well, we were wondering if maybe you'd like to buy a T-shirt? Yeah, it's for Third World Awareness.
Oh, I'm already involved in something at Michael's cafe Dad, it's to help save starving children.
- That's why I'm supporting it.
- If you don't agree with it, then Of course I agree with All right, I'll have a T-shirt.
How much? Thirty quid.
£30?! One T-shirt? It's ethical trade.
Yeah, they're made without using cheap labour.
You're not kidding.
Safe.
Brilliant, Dad.
Um And once they're made we'll get you one, definitely.
What, they're not even made yet? Yeah, well, what we were thinking is that we'd order them once we got the money Maybe get them printed with something.
Oh, why not? Maybe you want to get one for Mum as well? Oh Well, you know what? I think I might wait till they actually exist before I buy any more.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Yeah.
Thought you might like a cup of tea.
Thanks.
Feeling any better? Not really.
Oh, poor you.
OnlyI thought you said it was one of those 2q-hour things So, really I know, I'm sorry.
Ah Izy's been ringing all day.
I mean, it's under control, I'm dealing with it, it's just No, I'm just saying, she sounds a bit out of her depth, SO - I just need to rest.
- Yeah.
Maybe I should get you something from the chemist.
I don't need anything from the chemist.
I just need some sleep.
Hm.
(MOANS) Oh, sorry.
(HE SIGHS) Hm! Michael reckons he never gets ill.
God, he's annoying, that man.
He's doing this Third World Day.
I said to him, "Shame I missed the first two.
" He didn't get it.
- Rick - Hm? I'm really not feeling too good.
I know.
That's what I said to Magda.
She thinks she's got the same thing as you.
I said, "I don't think you appreciate just how ill Mel is.
"I mean, she is really, really suffering.
" (SHE THUMPS THE BED) Leave me alone! (WHISPERS) OK, I'll go.
Hi, how can I help? Uh, yeah, have you got something for flu? Sure.
Is it for yourself? No.
It's for my wife, she's got flu Well, she's not actually my wife, but - But it is definitely flu? - Yes.
She's got all the symptoms.
- Could you describe them for me? - Well, they're flu symptoms.
Could I have the extra-strength paracetamol? Sure.
Um, do you think your partner would consider a homeopathic treatment? No, not really.
It's gentler on the body and just as effective, in my opinion.
Maybe when she's better, but not now.
- I'd recommend this.
- Would you? It's Echinacea.
Yeah, don't get me wrong, I just want to get some medicine for her.
- Echinacea's a medicine.
- I don't know about that I do.
And it is.
Could I just have the extra-strength paracetamol? It's herbal, anyway.
It's from trees.
Mm.
You're thinking of aspirin.
It has saliylic acid in it, which is found in willow bark.
Yeah, well, it's all the same Well, hardly.
- I'd also recommend Gelsemium.
- Look, thanks for the advice.
I didn't come in for lifestyle tips.
I just want some proper medicine.
Ah, well, how do you define "proper medicine"? Well, stuff that was made by scientists and tested on animals.
Not something YOU went out and found under a hedge.
You have a very interesting view of homeopathy.
Yeah, well my wife just wants to kick the flu.
She doesn't want to dance around a fire until she goes into a trance and contacts her ancestors.
Fair enough.
So she IS your wife, then? Ohh! This is the stuff you want.
Take two every four hours, and that's £3.
50.
(SARCASTICALLY) Thank you so much.
No problem.
Oh, look, this is a freebie.
You might like to try these.
They're great for all that stress and tension you're walking around with.
Yup, well, didn't actually have that when I came in here.
Thanks anyway.
So how is Mel? - Is she feeling better? - No change, really.
- Maybe try Echinacea? - Don't you start.
- OK, let's finish this pitch.
- (mobile Rings) - So, we've done the beginning - Oh, God.
Gonna have this again all day.
Sorry.
Hi, Izy.
Yeah Yeah.
Yeah OK.
Well, yeah, if you hang on I'll whizz up and ask her.
Yeah.
OK.
Yup, I will.
- What are you doing? - One of Mel's clients has had an offer.
Izy's flapping about it.
- Well, are you going to ask Mel? - No.
I don't need to.
I know the guys.
Robin Lester-Jones? One of these interior designers.
Hi, Izy? Yeah, Mel says no way.
Either they double the money or find someone else for the series.
Yeah, I know.
That's what she said.
Mm? Me too, but yeah.
Well, she must know what she's doing.
Mm OK, yeah.
Bye.
What? You're messing with the guy's career.
You're not his agent! - You can't do that.
- You don't understand.
You've gotta play hardball with these people.
What if THEY play hardball with YOU and you lose the guy the series? Well, then that would be their loss, wouldn't it? And his! Yeah, so everybody loses.
What would be the point of that? No point at all.
Yeah.
OK, so you got the beginning done Oh, God! Magda's here.
Look at her, she's turned up like the walking wounded.
Oh, hang on.
I thought you were taking the day off.
Yes, but I have made some soup for Mel, bringing it to her.
Oh Thanks, Magda, you shouldn't have done.
- Make her feel better, I think - I'm sure.
Now go home and get some rest, yeah? - I am feeling a little better today.
- Glad to hear it.
- Because I have plenty of soup.
- Good.
- Is made with potato - I bet it is.
- and ray-dish - Radish? Mmm, delicious.
- Is good for - Yeah, well Please tell her hope she's feeling better.
I will, yeah.
Andthank you for this.
Sorry about that.
Where were we? Those are the rules.
It's play Lying Or Flying Hallelujah! You've finally got it.
Finally? What do you mean? (mobile Beeps) Sorry, Mel's voicemail.
Probably be Izy.
"We're out of Post-It notes.
I don't know what to do.
" (CHUCKLES) - It's about the designer guy? - Ssh! - Robin Lester-Square or whatever? - Shut up! You screwed up, didn't you? No, I didn't screw up.
What's happened is they've said they've found someone else for the next series.
What part of that is not screwing up? It's not down to ME.
It's the way Izy must have passed the message on.
She probably made it sound like some kind of ultimatum.
- So what are you gonna do? - Nothing.
They They'll come round.
They're playing for time.
This is a game of poker.
That they won.
They haven't won.
They're just temporarily ahead.
I hope Mel sees it like that.
She won't know.
By the time she's better, it'll all I'll just go and check how she is.
See if she needs anything.
Yeah.
How are you? I feel a bit better.
Really? You don't look better.
No, you're still burning.
Well, I FEEL better.
Um, I think it's those tablets.
I should take some more No, don't do that! You're only allowed two a day.
But you said I should take them every four hours.
Not these.
The pharmacist didn't even want to GIVE them to me.
Well, they seem to be working.
In fact, I'm getting my appetite back.
Did Magda bring soup round? No, I don't think so.
You don't want to eat now.
You've been ill.
You're probably right.
Have you spoken to Izy? - Yup, she's fine.
- Anything I should know about? Nothing I can think of, no.
- I might just ring in and check.
- Don't you dare.
You're not well.
I don't want you ringing people up all over the place.
In fact, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna take this away.
Mmm? You've been very ill.
You need to rest.
- OK.
- OK, promise? I promise.
Ty and get back to sleep.
It's obviously one of these q8-hour things you've got.
- OK.
- Yeah.
You can't keep her locked in her room.
You have to tell her.
I don't want to bother her with petty stuff.
She's ill.
Do you think maybe you should at least switch her phone back on? All right, if it makes you happy.
- I'll see if she's got any messages.
- (mobile Bleeps) "Rick, it's Izy.
"Just thought you should know that Robin Lester-Jones "is on his way round to your house with a chainsaw.
" What's up? That was Robin Lester-Jones.
What? He wanted to thank Mel.
They've come back.
They've doubled his money! - You are KIDDING me! - I knew they were bluffing.
It's a game of poker! God, it's easy being an agent.
I don't know what the fuss is.
All you do is lie and hold your nerve.
- You are a natural.
- You're right.
I'm good at this.
Yet another thing you excel at.
Let's celebrate over lunch.
Yeah, I'll just check Mel's e-mails and then we can do that.
Maybe I should do the deal play Lying Or Flying.
Anything to keep you from hosting it.
- No, I'm serious.
- Rick, please, you're scaring me.
Oh, God, look at this press release from Izy.
You ever heard of Tommy Giggles? I'm hoping he's a children's entertainer.
From the '80s.
"Wolla wolla biff baff".
That mean nothing to you? - Sounds like a funny guy.
- Oh, he is.
He had this giant inflatable spanner - I'm laughin' already.
- God, I'm not.
He's got this massive TV ad campaign for a DIY company.
Gonna try to double his money too? Oh, you must be kidding.
He should be paying THEM.
He hasn't worked for 20 years.
- C'mon, let's get some lunch.
ct Hmm? Yeah, I'll just send this e-mail off to Izy and then I'll be with you.
- So how's Mel? - Oh, she's a bit better, thanks.
See? What did I tell you? The power of positive thinking.
Well, it was more the power of Fluzadol Plus, but Now, what would you like to order? - UhI'll have the chicken, please.
- Yeah, me too.
Two small bowls of plain rice No.
No rice.
No rice.
Just the chicken, please.
Yes, I heard what you said, you'd like the chicken, but today is ALL: Third World Awareness Day! Customers who take part order what they'd like, but only get rice.
The difference in cost is sent to the Third World.
Well, I would really like the chicken.
Can't I just have that and give you the extra money? - It's not just about the money.
- I have already bought two T-shirts.
It's about raising awareness as well.
I am aware that hunger is bad.
That's why I'd like the chicken.
Well, I'm sure there's lots of people in Africa who would like the chicken Yeah, I dare say.
But me not having it doesn't mean they have it, cos it's not the same chicken.
(LOUDLY) Right, so you're actually having the chicken? (LOUDLY) Yes, and I'll actually make a donation, to go with the T-shirts I actually bought.
- Fine.
How about you? - I'll do the rice thing.
That's very good of you.
Right.
I'll get your chicken.
It wasn't so bad, the rice.
Stupid bloody idea.
- You shoulda had the chicken.
- No You upset everyone by ordering it and then you don't touch it.
I couldn't eat it, with all those hand-wringers watching.
- I'm starving now.
ct That's the spirit, see? Now you're gettin' into it! - Hi.
- Hey, Magda! Good to have you back.
- I am better now.
- Glad to hear it.
That's the thing with colds, they clear up quickly So I have made some more soup for Mel.
That's very kind.
I'll take it up to her.
- No, is OK.
- No, it's OK, I'll take it She said she did not receive soup yesterday.
Is that what she said? Oh, she really was delirious.
I'll see she gets this.
Rick? Mmm? Hi! You're looking better.
I feel better.
Are YOU all right? Me? yeah, I'm fine.
My headache's gone.
I think my temperature must be back to normal.
- Feel my head! - I can see.
It shows from here.
You're well again.
Fantastic.
- What time is it? - Oh I think it's about (SPOON CLINKS) Uh Oh Yeah, it is 2:30, yeah.
I'm really hungry.
Magda said she'd bring me up some soup.
In fact, she said she brought some yesterday.
Did she? Oh, I'll go and look into that.
Well, I'm glad you're well again.
Me too.
How's Izy? Is everything OK? Yeah.
It's all fine.
- Rick? - Mmm? Thanks.
For everything.
That's OK.
I'll go and get some of that soup for you.
Sorry about that.
I think she's well enough to get up, to be honest.
Any reply from Jackie and Adam? We sent it two hours ago.
Yeah, I know, but if they're keen (TYPES) Whatcha doin'? Oh, I just want to see if Izy's replied to my e-mail.
- You know, the Tommy Giggles one.
- Mmm.
Mmm, that's odd.
- What? - Mel's had 1 ct8 e-mails.
- I just don't understand how - What's the problem? I replied to Izy and it's gone and sent it to all the - OHHH! - What did you do? - It was just a joke - What did you write? - It was to Izy - Tell me what you wrote.
I ju "Hiya, my name is Tommy Giggles, "though I am known by Social Services as 'Tommy Pant-Sniffer'.
" And? "I am a creepy talentless loser, "who accepts any old crap that comes my way, "though if I really wanted to make kids happy, "I would take my giant inflatable spanner and shove it up my arse.
"Wolla wolla biff baff! "Tommy Giggles.
" You see, what you've done here is you've clicked on "Reply to all.
" That's a stupid bloody system! That's bound to go wrong.
This is some list.
Press contacts TV producersdirectors - MEL: Hi, is everything OK? - What are you doing here? - Is there a problem? - No! Get out! I mean, you're not well enough to be up.
You said I looked better.
You don't.
You look dreadful, poor you.
You should still be in bed.
You've obviously got one of those 72-hour things.
MEL: I know.
I can only apologise.
Like I say, I don't know how it happened.
I completely understand.
OK, bye.
- Nothing in this - Shut up.
Iz, hi.
Has he rung in? No, I've been trying him all morning.
you'll let me know, won't you? Yup.
OK, bye.
Is she upset, Izy? I mean, it's not really her fault, so No, you're right.
It's not really HER fault, is it? , Because REALLY, it's YOUR fault isn't it? Really.
It was a private joke.
(STAMPING FOOTSTEPS) Very private.
Your e-mail, I reckon that needs looking at No! It doesn't need looking at.
YOU need looking at.
Obviously you're upset at the moment Oh, does it show?! Thing is, I've worked out what you can say.
You say the laptop was stolen, and someone with a grudge against Tommy When will you just stop lying? It's ALL you do.
ALL day long.
Lie after lie.
I take ONE day off work and you take it upon yourself to run my business into the ground! (DOORBELL RINGS) And now I have to lie to everyone because I'm too embarrassed to admit that I live with someone who has the mental age of a four-year-old.
- That was the door.
- Oh, was it? (BELL RINGS) Well, why don't you go and see if you can open it without cocking that up as well? OK.
Do I just go this way? Oh, hello.
Sorry to bother you.
Is Mel in, please? Could you tell her it's Tommy Giggles? Ah, right - Or should I say Tommy Pant-Sniffer? - Yes, can I explain - Is she here or isn't she? - See, the thing is If not, I'll go to her office and deal with her there.
No, can I explain? It was nothing to do with Mel.
I wrote the e-mail.
It was just a silly, stupid joke I didn't mean to send it to all those people, that was a genuine mistake.
It's all my fault.
I'm reallyso sorry.
Oh, I see.
Fair play.
- I'll leave it at that, then.
- OK - (THUD!) - OH! Wolla wolla biff baffmatey.
I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it will blow away my soul like a hurricane Oh, I'm like a one-man band Clappin' in the pourin' rain If I know where I'm goin' I don't know from where I came
Jackie, for f5,OOO you have to decide if Adam is lying or flying.
Oohum It must have been around then.
But 1 91 2? - I'm going to say Adam's lying.
- So you're saying Adam is lying? If you're right and Adam is lying, then you're flying, which means that you, as the flier, get to challenge No.
Because you're flying, you'reyou're lyingand Adam It's very simple.
It's a game of bluff.
Rick? May I? Adam, you asked Jackie when Tennessee Williams was born.
You told her that the answer was 1 91 2.
Jackie said that you are lying.
Adam, are you lying or flying? I AM lying.
It was 1 91 1 .
Well done, Jackie.
Now YOU'RE flying.
Your turn to ask a question.
Hit me with it.
You see? So that's how it works.
You've obviously got something good here.
You've just got to make it clearer.
I agree.
I mean, you were confusing yourself.
Mmm, not really, I wasn't - It WAS a bit of a mess.
- It IS supposed to Why don't you take it away, see if you can nail it down, and come in and see us again? - Sure.
Love to.
- Anything in particular? Have you ever thought about presenting? You're good.
- Yeah, you are, very good.
- Well, I did a bit of stand-up Yeah, he'she's very much just the writer on this.
I wanna get by but I really can't take the pain Cos it will blow away my soul like a hurricane Oh, I'm like a one-man band (PENCIL CLINKS) Thanks.
- They're all wet.
- I know.
Bloody paracetamol.
I wish they'd mark their packets clearly - "Yes, they dissolve " or "No, they don't, you'll choke to death trying to swallow them.
" - So, how are you feeling? - Not great.
Poor you.
So you're just going to stay in bed, then? I'm gonna have to.
Can you call Izy for me? Do you think you'll be better tomorrow? UmI hope so.
It's probably one of those 2q-hour things.
I just need to sleep.
I'll call her.
- If there'sanything urgent? - It'll have to wait.
Only you don't want to go back and discover Please Cos that can happen, if you take a break and Rick, leave me alone.
I just need some sleep.
Yeah, OK.
I'll leave you to rest.
Thanks.
Oh, they liked the quiz show, by the way.
mmmct Lying Or Flying.
The meeting went very well.
Except Marty kept jumping in and confusing - I think he was confusing himself - Rick! I don't even know if he really understands the rules.
It's very simple, it's just a game of bluff.
The flier keeps going until you Rick, please! Go away! OK (SHE SIGHS) I'll call Izy for you.
Oh, thanks, Izy.
Yeah No, I'll pass that on to her That's great.
Yup.
Well look, I've got her phone, so any worries, yeah, just call.
All right, bye.
What?Just being helpful.
Mmm.
So what's up with Mel? It's some kind of flu.
But you know, sometimes I think it's a question of not giving in to these things.
You gave in quickly when you pulled out of that Amnesty gig.
I was really ill.
The doctor was worried it was meningitis.
No YOU were worried it was.
The doctor said it was a cold.
Well, how he can diagnose THA on the phone, I don't know.
Come on, let's knock this treatment into shape.
Not that there's anything wrong with it.
If you hadn't screwed up, we'd have a commission.
- I didn't screw up.
- You were getting it wrong.
- You kept butting in.
- OK.
Whatever.
So we're pitching the show.
We've got Adam and Jackie sitting there.
Explain the rules.
OK Do you think Jackie's a lesbian? - What? - Jackie.
Do you think? - Why do you wanna know? - Just curious.
She was perfectly nice, I was just Didn't think much of Adam.
"You were confusing yourself.
" Specy twat.
Oh, man I don't think he needed glasses.
Those were for effect.
- Rick.
I really wanna get this done.
- OK.
- So we've got Jackie and Adam.
- In his stupid glasses.
Yes, in his stupid glasses sitting next to Jackie the lesbian.
- Now explain the goddamn rules.
- OK.
(MOBILE RINGS) Sorry.
It's Mel's phone.
Hello? Hi, Izy.
Yeah.
No, no worries.
No, I'm not busy Yeah Yes.
(COUGHS) Morning, Magda.
Oh, don't come near me, I'm not well.
Oh, really? Oh, I have bad headache.
Oh, well, there you are I have same thing as Mel.
Oh, I VERY much doubt it.
I mean, she really is ill.
I had to insist she stayed in bed.
Yes, but I can cary on, because I make special soup.
Plus you're not actually that ill.
You've just got a cold.
Hm? And maybe you'd feel better if you did a bit of hoovering or something.
And obviously, ifyou're not well, then have the day off.
In my county we make this soup when we are not well.
We think it's better than medicine.
Yeah, but then your county has a life expectancy of q7, so (COUGHS) (SPnS) Oh, look, Magda, why don't you go home? Perhaps it's best.
And you know what? Take tomorrow off as well.
I will make Mel some soup.
Well, I REALLY wouldn't bother.
Not unless it's penicillin-flavoured, hm? But thank you anyway.
All right, Izy.
Now listen to me.
This is the plan.
You e-mail it over to me and then I'll I'll show it to Mel a bit later on.
Yeah.
OK, bye.
I'm sittin' here in awe.
It's like havin' lunch with Alan Sugar.
There you go.
Two toasted specials.
Thanks, Michael.
Oh, I like your new mobile.
Very metrosexual.
Yeah, it's Mel's, actually.
She's quite ill.
OhI see.
Sorry to hear that.
She's got one of these viral things.
Really knocked her out.
Oh, that's awful.
Poor Mel.
Still, I do sometimes think with these things it's a question of not giving in to them.
Mmmnot really.
Not when it's an actual illness.
Oh, that's the thing with me.
I just don't do "ill".
"Just don't do ill.
" Maybe Mel should try that.
It's a question of attitude.
I just don't believe in illness.
You don't have to believe in chickenpox to get that, or measles So I literally haven't had a day off work sincesince I All that business with the The, um Anyway, I left that job.
Oh, by the way, have you seen this? This Friday is our Third World Awareness Day.
- What? I missed the first two? - Sorry? Forget it.
It's a chance for all of us to do our bit to help the less fortunate.
You've gotta feel sorry - all that illness and disease, they must have a really bad attitude.
Well, I do sometimes think that, but still, we've got to do what we can.
Oh, incidentally, what I said about Mel, I hope it didn't sound uncaring.
No, it's fine.
It's just, as far as I'm concerned, illness is all in the mind.
Yeah, just really busy at the moment, you know, what withthis and that.
Just knackered.
Just aren't enough hours in the day, are there? No.
Or the night.
- How is she? - Uh, yeah Pretty much the same, really.
Um, do you think she needs a doctor, Dad? No, it's just one of those flu things.
Yeah, I had something like that.
Wiped me out, you know.
I was flat on my back for weeks.
Couldn't do anything.
But yougot over it? Yeah, yeah.
No, bounced back.
Well, that's good.
Oh, Dad, me and Ben were thinking that Well, we were wondering if maybe you'd like to buy a T-shirt? Yeah, it's for Third World Awareness.
Oh, I'm already involved in something at Michael's cafe Dad, it's to help save starving children.
- That's why I'm supporting it.
- If you don't agree with it, then Of course I agree with All right, I'll have a T-shirt.
How much? Thirty quid.
£30?! One T-shirt? It's ethical trade.
Yeah, they're made without using cheap labour.
You're not kidding.
Safe.
Brilliant, Dad.
Um And once they're made we'll get you one, definitely.
What, they're not even made yet? Yeah, well, what we were thinking is that we'd order them once we got the money Maybe get them printed with something.
Oh, why not? Maybe you want to get one for Mum as well? Oh Well, you know what? I think I might wait till they actually exist before I buy any more.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Yeah.
Thought you might like a cup of tea.
Thanks.
Feeling any better? Not really.
Oh, poor you.
OnlyI thought you said it was one of those 2q-hour things So, really I know, I'm sorry.
Ah Izy's been ringing all day.
I mean, it's under control, I'm dealing with it, it's just No, I'm just saying, she sounds a bit out of her depth, SO - I just need to rest.
- Yeah.
Maybe I should get you something from the chemist.
I don't need anything from the chemist.
I just need some sleep.
Hm.
(MOANS) Oh, sorry.
(HE SIGHS) Hm! Michael reckons he never gets ill.
God, he's annoying, that man.
He's doing this Third World Day.
I said to him, "Shame I missed the first two.
" He didn't get it.
- Rick - Hm? I'm really not feeling too good.
I know.
That's what I said to Magda.
She thinks she's got the same thing as you.
I said, "I don't think you appreciate just how ill Mel is.
"I mean, she is really, really suffering.
" (SHE THUMPS THE BED) Leave me alone! (WHISPERS) OK, I'll go.
Hi, how can I help? Uh, yeah, have you got something for flu? Sure.
Is it for yourself? No.
It's for my wife, she's got flu Well, she's not actually my wife, but - But it is definitely flu? - Yes.
She's got all the symptoms.
- Could you describe them for me? - Well, they're flu symptoms.
Could I have the extra-strength paracetamol? Sure.
Um, do you think your partner would consider a homeopathic treatment? No, not really.
It's gentler on the body and just as effective, in my opinion.
Maybe when she's better, but not now.
- I'd recommend this.
- Would you? It's Echinacea.
Yeah, don't get me wrong, I just want to get some medicine for her.
- Echinacea's a medicine.
- I don't know about that I do.
And it is.
Could I just have the extra-strength paracetamol? It's herbal, anyway.
It's from trees.
Mm.
You're thinking of aspirin.
It has saliylic acid in it, which is found in willow bark.
Yeah, well, it's all the same Well, hardly.
- I'd also recommend Gelsemium.
- Look, thanks for the advice.
I didn't come in for lifestyle tips.
I just want some proper medicine.
Ah, well, how do you define "proper medicine"? Well, stuff that was made by scientists and tested on animals.
Not something YOU went out and found under a hedge.
You have a very interesting view of homeopathy.
Yeah, well my wife just wants to kick the flu.
She doesn't want to dance around a fire until she goes into a trance and contacts her ancestors.
Fair enough.
So she IS your wife, then? Ohh! This is the stuff you want.
Take two every four hours, and that's £3.
50.
(SARCASTICALLY) Thank you so much.
No problem.
Oh, look, this is a freebie.
You might like to try these.
They're great for all that stress and tension you're walking around with.
Yup, well, didn't actually have that when I came in here.
Thanks anyway.
So how is Mel? - Is she feeling better? - No change, really.
- Maybe try Echinacea? - Don't you start.
- OK, let's finish this pitch.
- (mobile Rings) - So, we've done the beginning - Oh, God.
Gonna have this again all day.
Sorry.
Hi, Izy.
Yeah Yeah.
Yeah OK.
Well, yeah, if you hang on I'll whizz up and ask her.
Yeah.
OK.
Yup, I will.
- What are you doing? - One of Mel's clients has had an offer.
Izy's flapping about it.
- Well, are you going to ask Mel? - No.
I don't need to.
I know the guys.
Robin Lester-Jones? One of these interior designers.
Hi, Izy? Yeah, Mel says no way.
Either they double the money or find someone else for the series.
Yeah, I know.
That's what she said.
Mm? Me too, but yeah.
Well, she must know what she's doing.
Mm OK, yeah.
Bye.
What? You're messing with the guy's career.
You're not his agent! - You can't do that.
- You don't understand.
You've gotta play hardball with these people.
What if THEY play hardball with YOU and you lose the guy the series? Well, then that would be their loss, wouldn't it? And his! Yeah, so everybody loses.
What would be the point of that? No point at all.
Yeah.
OK, so you got the beginning done Oh, God! Magda's here.
Look at her, she's turned up like the walking wounded.
Oh, hang on.
I thought you were taking the day off.
Yes, but I have made some soup for Mel, bringing it to her.
Oh Thanks, Magda, you shouldn't have done.
- Make her feel better, I think - I'm sure.
Now go home and get some rest, yeah? - I am feeling a little better today.
- Glad to hear it.
- Because I have plenty of soup.
- Good.
- Is made with potato - I bet it is.
- and ray-dish - Radish? Mmm, delicious.
- Is good for - Yeah, well Please tell her hope she's feeling better.
I will, yeah.
Andthank you for this.
Sorry about that.
Where were we? Those are the rules.
It's play Lying Or Flying Hallelujah! You've finally got it.
Finally? What do you mean? (mobile Beeps) Sorry, Mel's voicemail.
Probably be Izy.
"We're out of Post-It notes.
I don't know what to do.
" (CHUCKLES) - It's about the designer guy? - Ssh! - Robin Lester-Square or whatever? - Shut up! You screwed up, didn't you? No, I didn't screw up.
What's happened is they've said they've found someone else for the next series.
What part of that is not screwing up? It's not down to ME.
It's the way Izy must have passed the message on.
She probably made it sound like some kind of ultimatum.
- So what are you gonna do? - Nothing.
They They'll come round.
They're playing for time.
This is a game of poker.
That they won.
They haven't won.
They're just temporarily ahead.
I hope Mel sees it like that.
She won't know.
By the time she's better, it'll all I'll just go and check how she is.
See if she needs anything.
Yeah.
How are you? I feel a bit better.
Really? You don't look better.
No, you're still burning.
Well, I FEEL better.
Um, I think it's those tablets.
I should take some more No, don't do that! You're only allowed two a day.
But you said I should take them every four hours.
Not these.
The pharmacist didn't even want to GIVE them to me.
Well, they seem to be working.
In fact, I'm getting my appetite back.
Did Magda bring soup round? No, I don't think so.
You don't want to eat now.
You've been ill.
You're probably right.
Have you spoken to Izy? - Yup, she's fine.
- Anything I should know about? Nothing I can think of, no.
- I might just ring in and check.
- Don't you dare.
You're not well.
I don't want you ringing people up all over the place.
In fact, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna take this away.
Mmm? You've been very ill.
You need to rest.
- OK.
- OK, promise? I promise.
Ty and get back to sleep.
It's obviously one of these q8-hour things you've got.
- OK.
- Yeah.
You can't keep her locked in her room.
You have to tell her.
I don't want to bother her with petty stuff.
She's ill.
Do you think maybe you should at least switch her phone back on? All right, if it makes you happy.
- I'll see if she's got any messages.
- (mobile Bleeps) "Rick, it's Izy.
"Just thought you should know that Robin Lester-Jones "is on his way round to your house with a chainsaw.
" What's up? That was Robin Lester-Jones.
What? He wanted to thank Mel.
They've come back.
They've doubled his money! - You are KIDDING me! - I knew they were bluffing.
It's a game of poker! God, it's easy being an agent.
I don't know what the fuss is.
All you do is lie and hold your nerve.
- You are a natural.
- You're right.
I'm good at this.
Yet another thing you excel at.
Let's celebrate over lunch.
Yeah, I'll just check Mel's e-mails and then we can do that.
Maybe I should do the deal play Lying Or Flying.
Anything to keep you from hosting it.
- No, I'm serious.
- Rick, please, you're scaring me.
Oh, God, look at this press release from Izy.
You ever heard of Tommy Giggles? I'm hoping he's a children's entertainer.
From the '80s.
"Wolla wolla biff baff".
That mean nothing to you? - Sounds like a funny guy.
- Oh, he is.
He had this giant inflatable spanner - I'm laughin' already.
- God, I'm not.
He's got this massive TV ad campaign for a DIY company.
Gonna try to double his money too? Oh, you must be kidding.
He should be paying THEM.
He hasn't worked for 20 years.
- C'mon, let's get some lunch.
ct Hmm? Yeah, I'll just send this e-mail off to Izy and then I'll be with you.
- So how's Mel? - Oh, she's a bit better, thanks.
See? What did I tell you? The power of positive thinking.
Well, it was more the power of Fluzadol Plus, but Now, what would you like to order? - UhI'll have the chicken, please.
- Yeah, me too.
Two small bowls of plain rice No.
No rice.
No rice.
Just the chicken, please.
Yes, I heard what you said, you'd like the chicken, but today is ALL: Third World Awareness Day! Customers who take part order what they'd like, but only get rice.
The difference in cost is sent to the Third World.
Well, I would really like the chicken.
Can't I just have that and give you the extra money? - It's not just about the money.
- I have already bought two T-shirts.
It's about raising awareness as well.
I am aware that hunger is bad.
That's why I'd like the chicken.
Well, I'm sure there's lots of people in Africa who would like the chicken Yeah, I dare say.
But me not having it doesn't mean they have it, cos it's not the same chicken.
(LOUDLY) Right, so you're actually having the chicken? (LOUDLY) Yes, and I'll actually make a donation, to go with the T-shirts I actually bought.
- Fine.
How about you? - I'll do the rice thing.
That's very good of you.
Right.
I'll get your chicken.
It wasn't so bad, the rice.
Stupid bloody idea.
- You shoulda had the chicken.
- No You upset everyone by ordering it and then you don't touch it.
I couldn't eat it, with all those hand-wringers watching.
- I'm starving now.
ct That's the spirit, see? Now you're gettin' into it! - Hi.
- Hey, Magda! Good to have you back.
- I am better now.
- Glad to hear it.
That's the thing with colds, they clear up quickly So I have made some more soup for Mel.
That's very kind.
I'll take it up to her.
- No, is OK.
- No, it's OK, I'll take it She said she did not receive soup yesterday.
Is that what she said? Oh, she really was delirious.
I'll see she gets this.
Rick? Mmm? Hi! You're looking better.
I feel better.
Are YOU all right? Me? yeah, I'm fine.
My headache's gone.
I think my temperature must be back to normal.
- Feel my head! - I can see.
It shows from here.
You're well again.
Fantastic.
- What time is it? - Oh I think it's about (SPOON CLINKS) Uh Oh Yeah, it is 2:30, yeah.
I'm really hungry.
Magda said she'd bring me up some soup.
In fact, she said she brought some yesterday.
Did she? Oh, I'll go and look into that.
Well, I'm glad you're well again.
Me too.
How's Izy? Is everything OK? Yeah.
It's all fine.
- Rick? - Mmm? Thanks.
For everything.
That's OK.
I'll go and get some of that soup for you.
Sorry about that.
I think she's well enough to get up, to be honest.
Any reply from Jackie and Adam? We sent it two hours ago.
Yeah, I know, but if they're keen (TYPES) Whatcha doin'? Oh, I just want to see if Izy's replied to my e-mail.
- You know, the Tommy Giggles one.
- Mmm.
Mmm, that's odd.
- What? - Mel's had 1 ct8 e-mails.
- I just don't understand how - What's the problem? I replied to Izy and it's gone and sent it to all the - OHHH! - What did you do? - It was just a joke - What did you write? - It was to Izy - Tell me what you wrote.
I ju "Hiya, my name is Tommy Giggles, "though I am known by Social Services as 'Tommy Pant-Sniffer'.
" And? "I am a creepy talentless loser, "who accepts any old crap that comes my way, "though if I really wanted to make kids happy, "I would take my giant inflatable spanner and shove it up my arse.
"Wolla wolla biff baff! "Tommy Giggles.
" You see, what you've done here is you've clicked on "Reply to all.
" That's a stupid bloody system! That's bound to go wrong.
This is some list.
Press contacts TV producersdirectors - MEL: Hi, is everything OK? - What are you doing here? - Is there a problem? - No! Get out! I mean, you're not well enough to be up.
You said I looked better.
You don't.
You look dreadful, poor you.
You should still be in bed.
You've obviously got one of those 72-hour things.
MEL: I know.
I can only apologise.
Like I say, I don't know how it happened.
I completely understand.
OK, bye.
- Nothing in this - Shut up.
Iz, hi.
Has he rung in? No, I've been trying him all morning.
you'll let me know, won't you? Yup.
OK, bye.
Is she upset, Izy? I mean, it's not really her fault, so No, you're right.
It's not really HER fault, is it? , Because REALLY, it's YOUR fault isn't it? Really.
It was a private joke.
(STAMPING FOOTSTEPS) Very private.
Your e-mail, I reckon that needs looking at No! It doesn't need looking at.
YOU need looking at.
Obviously you're upset at the moment Oh, does it show?! Thing is, I've worked out what you can say.
You say the laptop was stolen, and someone with a grudge against Tommy When will you just stop lying? It's ALL you do.
ALL day long.
Lie after lie.
I take ONE day off work and you take it upon yourself to run my business into the ground! (DOORBELL RINGS) And now I have to lie to everyone because I'm too embarrassed to admit that I live with someone who has the mental age of a four-year-old.
- That was the door.
- Oh, was it? (BELL RINGS) Well, why don't you go and see if you can open it without cocking that up as well? OK.
Do I just go this way? Oh, hello.
Sorry to bother you.
Is Mel in, please? Could you tell her it's Tommy Giggles? Ah, right - Or should I say Tommy Pant-Sniffer? - Yes, can I explain - Is she here or isn't she? - See, the thing is If not, I'll go to her office and deal with her there.
No, can I explain? It was nothing to do with Mel.
I wrote the e-mail.
It was just a silly, stupid joke I didn't mean to send it to all those people, that was a genuine mistake.
It's all my fault.
I'm reallyso sorry.
Oh, I see.
Fair play.
- I'll leave it at that, then.
- OK - (THUD!) - OH! Wolla wolla biff baffmatey.
I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it will blow away my soul like a hurricane Oh, I'm like a one-man band Clappin' in the pourin' rain If I know where I'm goin' I don't know from where I came