Legends of Chamberlain Heights (2016) s02e05 Episode Script

1 [funky hip-hop music.]
[swishing.]
[munching.]
Damn, Milk.
Is you rubbing one out? Nah, homey, I emptied the clip before lunch.
Just getting ready for the tourney in Myrtle Beach.
Our first basketball road trip.
You already know what we gotta do.
Yep.
Not getting your nut out in some road beef was punishable by caskration in the "Game of Thrones" era.
And that's why I got this Black People Skeet app to help find some smashables.
I just put in the city and line up the kitty.
Meow mean? We finna turn Myrtle Beach into "Squirtle Beach," ya dig? Hold up.
Why is your avi a picture of me? I created, like, fifty-leven profiles, but they kept suspended them shits.
They stay hating on the light-skindid.
Yep, so I made one in yo name, Grove, and put some extra extras on your bio.
"Star legend of the Duncan hoop squad.
Better have two bad ones that can handle the nine for my nigs?" Aah! [laughs.]
- So you got any prospects? - A few slopdiggles, but it's a numbers game.
Mo' swipin' means mo' pipin'.
[chuckles.]
You goddamn right, mother[bleep.]
.
Now pay attention! [cell phone buzzes.]
Boom, bitch.
I got a match.
Damn, my nig, she a bad one, and she got some bad friends too.
- Hey, not it to smash the becky.
- Slide in her DM.
Don't be thirsty, but don't be romantic neither.
Chill.
I dos this.
Hey you What them stank holes do? Heart emoji.
Dis nigga.
2x05 - "Hurricane Jermaine" [funky hip-hop music.]
[swishing, munching.]
I still can't believe you tricked off a guaranteed three-peat.
Now we ain't gon' never get our road nuts.
There finna be plenty other pokeables in Myrtle Beach.
Yeah, so you fresh fish bitches think you're gonna shuck some clams? Uh, negative.
[all laugh.]
[mumbles.]
We don't think.
We know, buster.
Uh, no freshman's ever gotten play on their first road trip.
Nice purse, Brandy.
# Ho to the E to the # [all laugh.]
Uh, this bag is from the Westbrook Collection.
[all laugh.]
Man, [bleep.]
y'all.
[over PA.]
They don't want you to board Jet Black Airlines, but we gon' board anyway 'cause we smart, we loyal, and we the best.
- Wait, where we supposed to sit? - This is Jet Black Airlines.
Seating is first come, first swerve.
Aye, we gotta cut to the front of the line.
Let's roll.
Why did we cut to the front of the line - to sit all the way in the back? - For Rosa Parks, buster.
Now, I don't know about y'all, but I got some mile-high club to join.
I'm about to hit the boo-boo box.
Rhi-Rhi finna get that work.
Yo, I'm a little nervous.
- For what? - This is my first flight, and my weather app say it's a hurricane coming.
Don't worry.
I've got some movies to take our minds off of it.
I got "Turbulence," "Snakes on a Plane," "Crash," [tense music.]
"Final Destination" 1 and 2, "Fallen from the Sky," and my personal favorite, "La Bamba.
" [hyperventilating.]
Y'all looking at the newest and truest member of the mile-high club.
What happened to the box of rubbers? They all skeeted up.
[rubber snaps.]
Now y'all gon' show me some love or what? You do realize that the plane is still on the ground, right? Aww, [bleep.]
.
[stamping and clapping.]
[all bark.]
We the O-Dogs.
[all bark.]
Not them other dudes.
[all bark.]
We the shit, they some bitches.
You know who to choose.
- Who the [bleep.]
are the O-Dogs? - Don't worry about it, Medina.
They ain't gon' holla at you no way.
Omarion Ty Ty.
[all bark.]
Cal State Chamberlain Hills.
[all bark.]
College party on Statutory Saturday.
[all bark.]
Ooh, it's Statutory Saturday, girl.
This is our chance to turn up with some real men.
Not you.
Not you.
You know! [barking.]
Can y'all speak up? - I can only hear bitches with invitations.
- Well, bitch, you driving.
I guess we all about to get our nuts.
[all laugh.]
[funky hip-hop music.]
Coach: Now listen up, mother[bleep.]
.
Now, I know what y'all scheming on.
You finally get out of Chamberlain Heights and you're hoping to hit the streets and get you some of that South Carolina strange.
[all talking at once.]
Well, too bad, mother[bleep.]
, 'cause Coach Jerry is doing bed checks at 11:00 mother[bleep.]
sharp.
And if you ain't in your beds, he has a hall pass to hit the showers with you mother[bleep.]
.
[all talking at once.]
Now I'm gonna go find somebody to cheat on my wife with.
I'll see you mother[bleep.]
at the game tomorrow.
Hey, you foxy mother[bleep.]
.
What them stank holes do? [electronic beeps.]
Aw, shit.
- We about that life.
- This what I'm talking about, my nigs.
Yep, I'ma give her a little doggy, a little missionary, and then I might even kiss her.
I'ma be right here letting her ride it and abide it - 'cause I'm a giver, not a taker.
- Why I gotta sleep on the thot cot? - 'Cause slavery was a bitch.
- Haters.
[grunts.]
[groaning.]
[knocks on door.]
Housekeeping.
Aye, somebody tell that bitch to make me some pancakes.
[laughs.]
We got you on housekeeping? I mean, I knew you were some [bleep.]
boys, but I didn't think you'd be that [bleep.]
able.
- [electric buzzing.]
Aww, come on, man.
- What you doing? [laughter.]
Oh, well, looks like no badussy for the shit crew this trip.
Shocker.
[all laugh.]
[mumbles.]
I don't even know what to say, man.
I'm just gonna stand here and mumble something.
I ain't even gonna front.
I look like Machine Gun Kelly black ass.
Yeah, my shit kind of wavy.
Thotties finna be flocking on the beach.
- They got me looking all grown and shit.
- You sure about that, my nig? You look like you got in trouble for a bad report card.
You just jealous I look like LeBron in about two seasons.
[all laugh.]
Time to hit the beach and snag us some thotties for tonight, my nigs.
Aah.
[funky hip-hop music.]
What's good, Selma? You trying to get sprayed by this fire hose? Aah.
Aye, Myrtle Beaches, y'all trying to get this triple double like Westbrook? Aah.
What up, bodiquas? You trying to erect this wall? - You paying for it, though.
Aah.
- Damn, boos.
Told you, shit crew.
Don't matter where you go, you'll never get any play.
[laughs.]
Damn, Milk, why you gotta be so aggressive all the time? Yeah, my nig.
You can't be mean to the girls until after you beat their cakes.
Then they cool with it.
[cell phone buzzes.]
[reading.]
Can y'all speak up a little bit? - Both: Aw, hell yeah.
- Yeah, my nigs.
We about to get our whoop-de-whoop.
Hell, yeah, we about to get our nut.
[thunder rumbles.]
Jerry better hurry up with this bed check.
Can't keep our boos waiting.
[knocks on door.]
Oh, shit, Grover, hit the lights.
[all snoring.]
[whispering.]
Aw, yeah.
There oh, where's it at.
Oh [inhales sharply.]
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, here we ah [sniffs deeply.]
Ah, smells so good.
- What is you doing, Jerry? - Uh, uh Now dip before we tell Coach you sniffed our draws - and tried to touch our coochies.
- Uh All right, it's go time.
Let's make our next move our best move.
Yep.
We all about to get our nuts.
[dramatic music.]
The coast looks decently clear.
Now, let's make moves like Olajuwanna Man.
Oh, shit.
There they go.
Damn, I might consider smashing that becky.
We finna be legends, my nigs.
[lightning crashes, thunder rumbles.]
- Oh-oh.
- Hurricane Jermaine.
- Oh, my God, open the door.
- My hair getting all wet.
All: Aww, shit.
Somebody call the ambalamps! - Somebody call the ambalamps! - Hey, open the door.
- My weave.
- Don't worry, we'll save you.
I love you.
Come on.
It's not a joke.
Y'all gotta let me in.
[pounding on glass.]
Hey, man, y'all need to open the door.
Our boos is stuck out there.
- Have you lost your goddamn mind? - Ain't nobody got time for you.
[all scream.]
- Yo, where our boos at? - Shit, I don't know.
- Man, this is a straight-up disaster.
- Shoot, maybe for y'all.
I'm just finna go upstairs and give Rhi-Rhi the business.
Nah, Milk, we gotta do something before FEMA gets here and starts killing people.
Ooh, I got an idea.
To the beat suite.
[indistinct chatter.]
[hip-hop music.]
I don't get it.
Why hasn't anyone asked us to dance? We cute, underage, and slightly drunk.
Yeah, they ain't even paying us no attention.
- That's all you got, nigga? - This party's lame.
We ready to go.
Uh-uh, finally a healthy girl is getting some play, and I got the car, so we staying.
[gulps.]
Ooh, wait a minute, y'all.
I see three O-Dogs coming our way.
[stomping and clapping.]
[music.]
Come on.
Join the party.
I'm about to run a train on y'all niggas.
[thunder rumbles.]
Grab all the blankets and towels, my nigs, - even my ass rags.
- Ugh! This ain't enough, guys, we still need more.
- We could jack Randy bitch ass.
- You ain't never lied.
[phone beeping.]
[clears throat.]
[mumbling.]
Man come on who the hell is you? [mimicking Coach B.]
Put Randy on the phone, - mother[bleep.]
! - What up, Coach B? - Crazy weather, huh? - [bleep.]
the weather! Get yo asses to my room immediately.
And leave your door open.
Jerry's coming by to drop off your jersey's, mother[bleep.]
.
Yes, sir, Coach.
We're coming right now.
Let's go, guys.
Coach B wants us.
He sounded pissed.
[mumbles.]
Man, I can't believe this man's trying to make [dramatic music.]
We got it all.
Let's bounce before Randy and them get back.
Y'all go grab one of them maid carts.
I'll be right behind you, my nigs.
[mischievous music.]
[grunts.]
Now who the shit crew? [all laugh.]
We got towels, blankets, and ass rags.
- This was genius, Jamal.
- I told y'all to trust me.
Hey, my nigs, there go our boos right there.
Oh, hell, yeah.
Let's go pull up on 'em.
[thunder crashing.]
We been looking all over for y'all.
- Why you ain't hit us? - This thot dropped her phone in the water like a idiot, so I couldn't message you.
Ugh, what kind of haircuts y'all rocking? This that new Chamberlain Heights look.
Y'all wouldn't know nothing about it, but trust, it's wavy.
- Ah, okay.
We feeling it.
- What's y'all excuse? You know weaves is allergic to the elements, but this becky right here, got the good hair.
No, bitch, I just got Creole in my family.
Oh, for real? Me too, but we was finna - sweat them weaves out anyway.
- Is that right? Y'all don't look like no superstars.
[scoffs.]
More like some scrubs.
We some legends, and if you come to our room, we'll show you how we finger roll.
- Uh-uh.
- Nope.
Girl, these dudes is dusty.
They'll never be league.
Where else we gonna go? At least they got a warm shower, and we'll figure out a way to get rid of 'em.
- True.
- Yep.
Well, we can't go home until it stops hurricaning, - so we'll come chill.
- Thank you, Hurricane Jermaine.
[funky hip-hop music.]
The guys may be on some bullshit, but at least the food is on point.
These wings are everything.
Too bad they cold, though.
You should warm your food up like me.
Almost ready.
[farts.]
Aw, damn.
Did somebody run over a skunk? Yeah, it smells like someone's allergic to meat.
Uh I got a call to make.
I'll be right back.
[defecates.]
Have you placed your bet yet? - Bets for what? - For the Slump Busting.
See, look, we find the fattest girl for the pledge to smash.
Us bros hide in the closet, and when we jump out and she tries to escape, the pledge has to hold on to her for eight seconds.
It is hilarious.
[farts.]
Say, bro, are you okay? It smells real bad.
[muffled.]
I got Crohn's disease, nigga.
[defecates.]
They're gonna try to run a train on Medina - and embarrass her, y'all.
- Aw, that's messed up.
Omarion.
Formation.
We should probably help her.
Slump Busters, to the throne! [all barking.]
Well, you know, good for her.
I guess there's somebody for everybody.
I can't believe you, Cindy.
Medina's about to lose all her self-respect and dignity to a pack of Omarions - and all you can think about is yourself.
- But what can we do now? Looks like the train already left the station.
All aboard, mother[bleep.]
! [laughs.]
Maybe we can drug 'em.
They can't run a train when they're all asleep, right? - Where you gonna get that many drugs? - [sighs.]
Fine.
Take whatever you want, but the crack rock is mine.
Grover: So what y'all trying to do? Yeah, should we do one of them draft lotteries to see who smashing who or just hit the lights and get on that natural selection? How about this? We'll take off these wet clothes and hop in the shower and y'all go put on some rubbers, and we'll show you what these stank holes do.
Both: Rubbers? Y'all got some condoms, right? Nah, we some real-league types.
We only go raw.
Sorry, boos.
Y'all ain't starters.
- No jimmy hat, no kitty cat.
- No strap, no stroke.
- No latex, no anal.
- Girl, you dumb.
Get your ass in this bathroom.
The only way we dunking our balls in they cups is - if we get some straps.
- We can hit the store right there.
I don't know, y'all.
This hurricane ain't no buster.
It's flooding pretty bad out there - and I can't swim.
- Hold up, Grover.
Are you really gonna let a category 6 hurricane - keep us from smashing? - Yeah, it's barely bigger than Katrina.
[music.]
[bleep.]
it, Hurricane Jermaine can't fade the legend.
[wind blowing.]
Yo this wind [panting.]
is scarier than Draymond Green's dick pic.
We almost there, my dudes.
It's actually about to happen.
Thanks, LeBron.
I love you guys, man.
[wood clatters.]
[together.]
Oh, shit! God damn levies! [all scream.]
[all screaming.]
- Hey, let's jump on that L.
- We ain't taking no L, buster.
That's what they want us to do.
- You smart.
- Come on, y'all.
If we don't hop on this L, we gon' take one.
Oh, shit, we losing ground.
[metal clangs.]
Yo, Grover, if we get merced out here, you think they'll give us a Facebook tribute page? Hopefully LeBron will see our story - and pay for our funeral.
[gurgling.]
- Man, [bleep.]
.
[both grunt.]
Hop on, my dudes.
[victorious music.]
Damn, Milk, how come you never told us your Michael Phelps game is so strong? [bleep.]
that white boy.
Y'all better not tell nobody I can swim.
[both breathing heavily.]
For real, though, Milk, this is unanimous decision.
Since you saved our lives, you can say "nig" - for the rest of the road trip.
- Hold up.
For real? - It's a new day in Civil Rights.
- Appreciate you my nig! [crying.]
So beautiful.
Now, lets go get our mother[bleep.]
nuts.
[metal clanging.]
[all scream.]
[sniffs.]
Aw, damn, did one of you guys wet fart? [laughing, mumbling.]
Whoever smelt it dealt it, - stinky booty boy.
- Ah, was it you, Hoffart? Where the [bleep.]
is it coming from then? It stinks.
[both sniffing.]
Oh, man, Randy, somebody took a little boo-boo-booie in your Louie.
Aw, not the Louie! Aw, the shit crew is dead! [rattling.]
[music.]
I think LeBron just saying it wasn't meant to be on this trip.
I can't believe this, man.
Please, God, just caskrate these balls and get it over with.
[sobbing.]
[suspenseful music.]
[thunder rumbling.]
What the [bleep.]
is this nig doing? [metal rasps.]
Oh, shit, he gon' kill us.
- Oh, shit.
- Yo.
What the [bleep.]
? [whimpers.]
It was nice knowing you, my nigs.
[suspenseful music.]
Hold up.
Is that Delonte West? Yeah.
[hip-hop music.]
- Appreciate you, Delonte.
- Yeah.
Aye, yo, where them Jeter sleeves at? Yo, I got dibs on the maggies.
[laughs.]
Mr.
West, you are a real one, my nig.
- Appreciate you, my nig.
- Thanks, my nig.
Planes, trains, or automobiles.
You better have my donuts.
- Aye, what he say? - Da fwa? Aye, Delonte, can I ask you something? - Yeah.
- Well, uh, yeah, see.
I heard a rumor that did you, like, uh Did you [bleep.]
LeBron's mom or what, man? Yeah.
[splash.]
[together.]
Legend.
All right, it's game time, my nigs.
What? Failing to prepare is preparing to fail.
- That's a great call.
- You a genius, my nig.
[music.]
[both barking.]
[all barking.]
Come on, y'all.
A bitch ready to get her slump busted.
[all snoring.]
[barks.]
What the [bleep.]
? [thunder rumbles.]
Open up, shit crew! I know you're in there! Whoa, the shit crew actually had some things lined up.
Where are those turd nuggets at, anyway? They went to the store, but they been gone a cool minute.
- Who is y'all niggas? - Oh, us? Oh, who we's be? Oh, we's be the stars of the Duncan basketball team, sweet thang.
- [chuckles.]
Oh, okay.
Come inside.
- Also enter.
But we don't got straps.
You're starters.
You don't need straps.
Somebody roofied all my dick, y'all.
We did it, Medina.
Can't you see? They were just using you for a hazing ritual.
God knows they didn't want you for you.
You think I didn't know what was going on?! They weren't gonna run a train on me.
I was gonna run a train on them, and you nosey, malnourished heifers unempowered a bitch.
- Mm, mm, mm.
- LaDante, what are you doing here? I smelled all the inebriated college ass just here for the taking.
[wheel squeaking.]
[all laugh.]
[all barking.]
Milk: Yo, bro, spit something, homey.
[beatboxing.]
# I hate rubbers # But respect the maggies And with these thots I'ma double baggie Rhiyonce gon' hate but she'll take me back I might be light-skindid but the nine pitch black I don't give a [bleep.]
if she mother[bleep.]
freaks 'Cause I'm about to be in some mother[bleep.]
cheeks [all laugh.]
Enjoy this, my fellow legends, and remember you'll never forget your first.
[zippers rasp.]
[electronic beeps.]
[all scream.]
- What y'all doing with our breezys? - What does it look like we're doing? We're shucking your clams bareback.
Unlike you guys, we get burn.
[mumbles.]
Oh, man, seriously, it's a little bit more of a itch - than a burn.
- Come on, Randy.
How you just gonna slide in our work like that? We wasn't really even tripping on the hazing, but damn.
This right here just ain't being a good teammate.
You wanna talk about not being a good teammate? Which one of you guys one-pieced in my Louie? How dare you downgrade it to a one-piece.
I clipped off a perfect Nike swoosh.
All right, fine.
I'll pass the ball around a little bit.
[grunts.]
You guys wanna join in? Here, take the other end.
[together.]
This nigga.
[all laughs.]
I can't believe these hoes had the audacity - to show up at the game.
- That's right.
- Go Duncan! - Let's go, Randy! At least we still got a few days left - to try and get our nuts.
- Not happening, my dude.
Everyone in town know we suck now.
It's a cold game, my nigs.
Hee-hee.
Damn, I thought for the rest of the trip I was free to say "nig"? Ooh.
Unfortch, your nig pass was revoked after Randy and them snatched our scrallywags last night.
Yep, that word is back on the banned substance list.
- Man, y'all some damn renegers.
- Shit, he found a loophole.
I'm frigging [all grumble and mumble.]
I guess that's what happens when you don't strap up on road trips.
[cell phone buzzes.]
[reading.]
Aw, hell no.
[all grumble and whine.]
- Milk, you know what to do.
- Way ahead of you.
What them stank holes do? [all laugh.]
[R&B music.]
Yeah.