Little Britain (UK) s02e05 Episode Script

Britain, Britain, Britain! Why would you ever want to leave? Anybody who goes on holiday abroad is a traitor! I bloody love it here! Bloody love it! We produce the best films, the finest cuisine and our dogs are relatively rabies-free.
And this is all thanks to the peoples of Britain.
Let us look at them in this programme in which we now look at them now.
Boom, boom, shake the room! Ten-pin bowling is a very difficult sport, but it is easier than eleven-pin bowling.
One, two, three Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes Oh! Oh-ho-ho! Unlucky.
Right.
You've got one more go.
Maybe that ball was a bit heavy.
- Do you want a different one? - Yeah, I want that one.
- OK.
There you go.
- (PHONE RINGS) Excuse me.
Hello? Lou Todd.
Oh, hello there, Chris.
How are you? Yes, I've taken him bowling.
Ooh, a bit of a kerfuffle, but he seems to be enjoying it.
No, I'm winning.
It's 75-3.
I'll get him to call you back later.
Ta-ra.
Oh! - You've got a strike! - Yeah, I know.
I didn't even have to help you.
Well done.
Backstage at the Blazin' Squad concert, fans are clamouring to meet the band.
I, myself, loathe groups like Blazin' Squad.
I much prefer So Solid.
Get out the way.
Get out the way.
Get out the way.
Get out the way.
Get out the way.
Get out the way! Get out the way.
Get out the way.
Get out the way! - We're with Blazin' Squad.
- Can we see your passes, please? No but, yeah but, no but, yeah but, we did have passes but Kelly Appleby burnt them because Ruth Hubbard told her I nicked her hair scrunchies but I never.
Anyway, her fanny goes sideways.
Yeah, I've seen it.
It's like this.
No one comes in without a pass.
- Mingers to the back of the queue.
- Shut up! - Yeah but, no but I'm on the list.
- Name? Er - Sony Records.
- I don't think so! I so can't believe you just said that! I so am on the list.
This guy from Sony Records saw me dancing in the audience on ''CD:UK'' and I met Cat Deeley and she's got a really hairy face.
Anyway, he wanted to sign me up and turn me into the next Beyoncé, but I forgot 'cause we were watching Carrie get bummed by that bloke from Cash Converters.
- You ain't on the list.
- Shut up! I am so am.
- I ain't letting you in.
- No but, yeah but, no.
Blazin' Squad will well give you beatings because I've met them already anyway at the Radio One Roadshow.
Remember? I got fingered by Chris Moyles.
And Jo Whiley took a dump in the sea.
Anyway, Blazin' Squad said to come backstage.
I do know them and if Roman Gordon says I don't, don't listen to him.
He once shoved his knob through Miss Maynard's letterbox.
- Such a liar! - Shuddup! Look, I won't tell you again.
You're not comin' in.
All right, lads.
One at a time.
The game of tennis was invented in 1982 by Dr Jonathan Tennis when he had the idea of fusing the popular sports of badminton and swingball.
- Mixed doubles today? - Yeah.
Last week's were gorgeous.
Have to get their names.
They're on the board.
Emily and Florence.
Anyone for tennis? Good afternoon.
We're here for the mixed doubles.
- We're expecting two ladies.
- Sorry.
- No, no, that's us.
Two ladies.
- Right.
Florence, do as I do.
I'm sure they don't suspect a thing.
- Ready, gentlemen? - Have you got any balls? No, no, we're ladies.
- Tennis balls.
- Oh! Sorry.
Silly me.
I thought you meant bollocks.
You're with me.
All right? Ready! Oh! Ohh! Being a lady, I'm quite exhausted.
Aren't you, Florence? Oh, yes! Absolutely knackered! Time for barley water, I think.
Yes, please, Florence, my dear.
Are you enjoying the game, Florence, dear? Oh, yes, Emily! It's positively nail-biting, isn't it? Chin chin! - Are you guys going to be long? - We'll be right with you after some scones.
- I've had better games.
- Yeah.
And those two are the strangest-looking women I've ever seen! Do you mind?! It is almost Terry o'clock and at this psychiatrist's office, the session is coming to an end.
I felt alone.
And that's when we started having a sexual relationship.
- And this is with Colin, your brother-in-law? - Yes.
And what did you feel? Umguilt.
- Shame? - Yes.
(WATCH BEEPS) OK, we're going to have to leave it there, but we'll talk more next week.
Thank you.
Hello? It's me! You'll never guess what - she's only having it off with his brother! Dirty cow! If a policeman stops a fat person and discovers they are carrying chocolate, he is permitted to shoot them, hence diet classes like this one are very popular.
Right, well, this week Pat has lost four pounds.
- (APPLAUSE) - Pigs CAN fly.
- I told you I'd lose a stone by Christmas.
- Next Christmas (!) - You won't have to come here.
- Won't have to put up with Marjorie! We'll see.
OK, before we go any further, I've got to tell you.
FatFighters has brought out a brand-new range of delicious new low-calories puddings.
They are new and they are called Fatty Treats.
You've seen the adverts, yeah? # Fatty Treats Treats for the fattiesboink! # Well, anyway, what I've got is I've got normal éclairs and I've got new, they are new, brand-new, low-calories FatFighters Fatty Treats éclairs.
I want to see if we can tell the difference.
Can we have, please, a volunteer? Sorry, Meera, I was just thinking of the English people.
EmPat, come and join me.
- It's all right, Marjorie.
- No, you're the star slimmer.
Wobble, wobble.
Right.
What I'm going to do is I'm going to put this blindfold on you.
All right? No peeping.
- It's quite tight, Marjorie.
- It has to be.
You fat people are devious.
Liars.
I do mean that nicely.
OK, now I've got two éclairs here.
I want you to see if you can guess which is the low-calorie one.
Ready? - I'm not really eating puddings at the moment.
- Here we go.
Mmm.
That IS nice, though.
Very creamy.
OK.
Now try this one.
- Mmm.
- Yes? - Now, can you taste the difference? - No.
No, you can't.
Well, let me tell you that the second éclair you had was a low-calorie one.
Eh? So why don't you have another? Hm? Go on.
There you go.
Why don't you have a second one? Go on.
Get them in your fat gob.
Why not? They're low-calorie.
She won't put on an ounce.
Oh, no! I've just made a dreadful mistake.
Those are the full-fat ones.
She'll explode.
Spit it out.
All of it.
Quickly! All of it! Quickly! All of it! Quickly! All of it! Quickly! All of it! Shame on you, Pat.
Shame on you.
You've let everyone down.
Right, well, better put a couple of them pounds back on.
And we'll see you next week.
Oh, hang on a minute, Pat.
You've got a bit of cream in your hair.
Wait there.
There you go.
Off you pop.
OK.
Lovely.
Now, I want to talk to you about dust.
(DOGS BARK) There are hundreds of dogs in Britain.
The biggest, a Blue Setter, is as tall as the Houses of Parliament.
The smallest, the boodle, is invisible to the naked eye.
- Hello, men.
- Hello, Mrs B.
Just having a cuppa.
Yes, I thought I'd bring you some biscuits.
- Thanks very much, Mrs B.
- There you go.
Fetch.
Fetch! Go on.
There's a good boy.
There's a good boy.
Fetch.
Good boy! Good boy.
Good boy, good boy.
There's one, there's one.
Where's the other one? Where is it? Good boy! Who's a good boy? One for you.
Beg.
Beg.
There's a good boy! There's a good boy.
It is a quarter to Gran and Grandpa Moses.
That woman Viv Tudor has been requested to attend an identity parade.
- OK, now take your time.
- Yeah.
- Let me know if you recognise anyone at all.
- Anyone at all, yeah.
Yeah.
No.
No.
No.
Oh, he's gorgeous! What a hunk! Look at that scar! - He's a wrong 'un and no mistake! Phwoar! - Do you recognise him? No, no.
No.
Oh, he's gorgeous! What a dreamboat! Puts me in mind of a young Omar Sharif! - He can rob my bank any day! Phwoar! - Was he involved in the robbery? No, no.
Shame, but no.
Oh, he's gorgeous! He can point his weapon at me any time he likes! - Phwoar! - But was he there? - He was the one with the gun.
- Great.
Thanks.
You're not gonna arrest him, are you? You can't.
Anyway, you'll never get a conviction.
- Why not? - 'Cause he's gorgeous! Oh, proper gorge! The Prime Minister is preparing for an important television interview.
I never watch TV, apart from ''Emmerdale'', ''Corrie'' and ''EastEnders''.
And ''Hollyoaks''.
- (DIRECTOR) Can we go in 20? - Bzz! Bzz! - So, um, what are you going to ask him? - I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise.
- Let me look.
- No! Sebastian, I'm sure I can handle Gavin by myself.
Thank you.
OK, but promise you won't mention the man who runs the airline giving money to the party.
(DIRECTOR) Three Good evening.
The airline scandal that has engulfed the government - now threatens to topple the Prime Minister.
- Oh, you bitch! He's here with me live in the studio.
Welcome.
Good evening.
On Wednesday you granted exclusive transatlantic routes to Embassy Airlines and then yesterday it emerges that the chairman, Sir Brian Dean, donated over £1 million to your party.
- Come on, Michael! - The two events are completely unrelated.
He gave that money as a private individual.
Go, Michael! Go, Michael! Go, Michael! Go, Michael! There are a lot of unanswered questions.
- Go ahead.
- Yeah, go ahead, dear! - Ssh! - Ssh! Would Embassy Airlines have exclusive use of those routes if that donation had not been made? Oh, give it a rest! - I've already answered this in the House.
- In fact, we can see that footage right now.
- Oh, here we go! - VT for one minute.
- Someone please get that man out.
- Don't worry, I'm going.
Gav, I only came 'cause I thought it was going to be Paxman! He's much better-looking than you! Paxman's not better-looking than me, is he? No, you're lovely.
And that was about the same time I started seeingprostitutes.
Do you think the paying for sex has become an addiction? Yes.
I do feel it's out of my control now.
It's become a compulsion? Definitely.
OK, well, we've actually gone over a little, but we'll pick up on this next time.
OK.
Thanks.
You were right! Prossies! You have to laugh, don't you? I know! Dirty bastard! It's early morning.
In the outskirts of Slaughter, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig has spent the night with his girlfriend.
Left over right.
Under.
- Are you not staying for breakfast? - Er, I would, but Mother's bought croissants.
- I should head back.
- You did enjoy last night? Yes, I did.
The lovemaking was top-notch.
Funny.
I can't remember that part.
I can't find any underwear.
It keeps going missing.
You haven't seen any? Look into my eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes.
You're under.
I have not taken your underwear, put it on in my bedroom and paraded in front of the mirror going, ''Ooh! Ooh! ''Ooh! Ooh!'' And I can't find that red dress, the silk one with the embroidery.
The one I wore when we went to see ''We Will Rock You''.
Look into my eyes, the eyes.
Not around the eyes.
Look into my eyes.
You're under.
I did not steal your red dress, take it home and wear it while hoovering.
3, 2, 1.
- You're back in the room.
- And I can't find those stilettos.
Look, I bought you those.
If I wanna wear them, I'll wear them.
- Can I take your order, sir? - Yes, I'll have the beef carpaccio to start.
Then the braised lamb shank.
- Any vegetables? - Dijon.
- Very good, sir.
- And a Yorkie.
Buttered.
This is a drug rehab centre in Glasgae.
I tried heroin once, but it didn't have any effect.
Mind you, I was high on coke at the time.
OK, 20 words for heroin.
Go! - Brown.
- Good.
- Smack.
- Good.
OK, that's 20.
So why are you here? 'Cause you're junkies! You're addicts! You're scum! Get out! Go on, all of you.
Out of my sight! Stay where you are.
This is the road back.
- Excuse me.
- Exactly.
Who am I to be telling youse? Well, I've been there, OK? I've done it.
I've read the book, seen the film, bought the T-shirt and got sick all down it because I was on drugs.
I know what it's like to wake up so late because of drugs that I missed ''Trisha'' and most of ''This Morning''.
I'm sorry about this, but I think I'm in the wrong room.
I'm looking for the cake decorating class.
You know what this is, team? This is the very worst kind of junkie.
''I'm looking for the cake decorating class.
'' Maybe you are.
Hundreds and thousands, desiccated coconut, and a wee sprinkling of cocaine! No more lies! No more excuses! Addict! You're scum! You're Laurel and Hardy, the cartoon! You're ''Grease 2''! OK, go to your so-called cake decorating! Get out that door and don't come back! Stay where you are.
We're here to help you.
The most important word youse need to learn is ''no''.
Spud, come and do a role-play with me.
Spud.
Spud, you with us? Yeah? OK, so I'm the junkie, you're the dealer.
Ask me if I want to buy any of the drugs.
- Do you want to buy any drugs? - No.
It's as simple as that.
I really appreciate you doing that for me.
Yeah? Eh? Eh, big man? OK.
I don't want to be rude, but I really am here just for the cake decoration.
- It's just down the corridor.
- Next room along.
- Thank you.
- Oh, of course, sorry.
They do cake decoration here on Monday.
Sorry, it used to be Wednesdays.
Let me help you with your bag.
Sorry.
You don't want to be sat here with all these junkies.
Do you think I'm stupid?! Get back in your seat! You're a junkie! You're a loser! A leech! You're ''Carrot Confidential''! Kellogg's Banana Bubbles! Stephen Gately's solo career! You're Carole Thatcher! Sit down! You're going to be fine.
OK, 15 words for cocaine.
Go! - Coke.
- OK, that's 15.
At this park in Bent, Dr Lawrence has brought Dr Beagrie to observe one of his patients.
Eh! Eh! Eeeh! - Anne is a very keen artist.
- Eh! Eh! Eeeh! She's getting better all the time.
She particularly likes to draw trees and flowers.
Eh! Eh! Eeeh! Eh! Eh! Eeeh! Ahhh! Oh, she's left her sketchbook behind.
Makes me very proud.
In his office in Troot, theatrical agent Jeremy Rent is having a very important meeting with Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Tell me, Sir Andrew, was it your idea to write ''Bergerac - The Musical''? Yes.
Mine and Ben Elton's.
It was something he'd always wanted to do.
It's going to be even bigger than the one I did about cats.
- ''Cats.
'' - (BUZZER) - Dennis Waterman here to see you.
- Lovely.
Send him in.
It would be wonderful if we could get Dennis to play Jim Bergerac.
Hello! I got you a doughnut.
Oh, thank you very much.
Who is that man? Well, this is Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Oh, yes.
The brother of Julian Lloyd Webber, the famous cellist.
Hello! So, I've done ''Bergerac - The Musical'' and I'd love you to play the title role.
Doesn't Bergerac play Bergerac? No, he's committed to ''Midsomer Murders''.
He's committed murder?! That is wrong and bad! Anyway, I'd be thrilled if you would consider it.
This is the set for Act One - Charlie Hungerford's house.
Let's have a look.
Put me down.
It's an exact replica of the one in the programme.
Yeah, it's great! You wouldn't want it any bigger! So you want me to star in it, write the theme tune, sing the theme tune? No, no, I've written all the songs.
Dennis? # I'm a policeman living in Jersey Do-do-do do-do-do # I have a complicated relationship with my ex-wife # Do-do do-do # I drive an old red car # My boss has lost his hair I'd be so good for Bergerac - The Musical! # Well, it's been wonderful to meet the both of you.
I do have one or two other people to see.
Wo-o-o-oh! O-o-o-oh! Careful! - I'm very sorry.
- It's all right, Dennis.
Safe now.
To remain competitive, banks now offer a wide range of services, including loans, insurance and, for a small fee, they'll make love to your wife.
Yeah, that's Perry Keen.
I'll call him back.
Hey! Not interrupting anything, am I? I heard you went to Prague.
Did you have a nice time? - Right.
It's my leaving do on Thursday.
- Oh, yeah? We're all going bowling, then having a bite at Bella Pasta.
- Lovely.
- So we wondered if you fancied coming.
- Computer says will Melanie be there? - Yeah, she's coming.
Computer says no.
(COUGHS) Right.
If you change your mind I love you.
Like many people in Britain, every other Wednesday I go gay.
Dafydd Thomas is a full-time gay on his way to his local pub for a celebration.
- Hello, Dafydd! Fancy a bun? - Homophobe! You've made me the happiest girl in the world.
- I love you, Myfanwy.
- And I love you too, Rhiannon.
(CHEERING) Oh, Dafydd, you made it! We didn't think you were coming.
- Sorry I'm late.
I couldn't come to the church.
- Why not? I'm a gay! I wouldn't be welcome.
I'm gay, and I was performing a gay marriage! You never know.
Get a nice young man and the vicar would marry you.
No, thank you.
If I get married, it will be to a woman, to a life of misery and repression.
- Please yourself, dear.
- Anyway, come and meet my friends.
- Everyone, this is Dafydd.
- Hello, yes.
The only gay in the village.
Actually, Dafydd, we were hoping to have a little word with you.
Yes.
We're applying for adoption and wonder if you'll be our referee.
Eeeew! But you're two minge munchers! - Yes.
- You can't bring up kids! It's not right.
- I'm sorry you feel that way.
- I don't know.
Gay marriage, adoption.
What's wrong with sitting at home getting moist every time Sandi Toksvig comes on? We've moved on a bit since then, love.
What do lesbians do exactly? I mean, I don't get it.
- We do all sorts of things.
- I was talking to the lesbians.
I mean - I AM a lesbian.
- You can't be! You're far too good-looking! - What are you talking about? - It's just ones who can't get boyfriends.
Piss off, you stupid little poof! Whoa! How dare you? I will not tolerate homophobia in this village! Good day! Dirty, fat lezzies! In Herby, Andy Pipkin is enjoying his annual bath.
Right.
I've planned the route to Chessington.
It's really just straight down the A217.
So if we get our skates on, we'll be on the log flume by lunchtime! I don't wanna go.
But you've been going on non-stop about it for weeks! - Chessington this, Chessington that.
- Yeah, I know.
Where do you want to go instead? France.
- France?! - Yeah.
I thought you hated France.
You said the French could never be forgiven for surrendering to the Germans - and collaborating with the Vichy government.
- Yeah, I know.
- Chessington it is, then.
- I wanna go France.
Christ of a thousand years.
I wanna go Chessington.
And so we end our trip round Little Britain.
If you have enjoyed this evening's programme, you might like to travel back in time half an hour and watch it again.
Good die!