Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007) s02e05 Episode Script

We're back, and I'm with Darcy Tucker.
Darcy, obviously you've been on fire recently.
Big game winning goal tonight.
What is it that's working for you right now? It's all about the beets.
The beats? The hip-hop music you're playing in your dressing room? No.
Beet juice.
I get it shipped in from this little town in the prairies.
Mercy Beet Company.
So you could say that this is the drink that can't be beat.
No, it is beet.
No no.
I'm just saying, it is a drink that can't be beat.
Are we done yet? Did he say: the Mercy Beet Company? Why do these men sweat so much? I own stock in that company.
So sweaty.
He should cut his hair.
Bought in dirt cheap too.
It's going to go through the roof.
Might see a temporary up swing.
Temporary up swing.
Yes.
That's going to buy me a power boat.
If I was going to go on TV, I would at least use a towel.
What you're talking about, is a stock bubble.
And if there is one thing we know about bubbles You're right, they just get bigger and bigger, and bigger.
Can you believe that? Foolish man.
Do you think if I bought in now, I could get a power boat? Huh? Season 2 Episode 5 Mercy Beet Yes! Hmph, you win at solitaire again? Better.
Remember the stock that I invested in? - Disposable Dentures? - No.
- 3-D Radio? - No.
Not that lame hydroponic beet farm mom told you not to invest in? And the Mercy Beet Company's up 3 points.
Thank you Darcy Tucker.
Who's Darcy Tucker? The guy who invented beets? He's a hockey player.
He endorsed it yesterday.
- It's all over the news.
- Wow! Slow news day.
Fantastic.
I knew this would happen.
You knew that a hockey player would be on the news talking about a local beet farm three years after you invested in it? This is one of several scenarios, yes.
By the way, let's keep it between you and me.
I want to surprise your mother.
Surprise her? Or not tell her at all.
Either or.
Just semantics.
Duncan, I'm going to Fatima's for lunch.
Could you lend me a couple of bucks? Huh, a little short on cash, huh? - Well, it's been a lean month.
- Don't have to explain to me.
We're all clergy, we're all poor.
That's why I'm going to the senior's home.
Rev, you have a few good years left in you.
I'm not checking in.
I'm just visiting.
- It's meat loaf day.
- Huh? Kid, you are missing out on one of great perks of the clergy.
There is a tradition of holy men going out to preach, in exchange for food.
The Mendicant Tradition.
Mendicant, from the Latin word for mooch.
Ah, how often do you get out there? Ah, I like to mix it up.
Restaurants, weddings, AA meetings.
Do you think these seniors would like some spiritual comfort from a different religious perspective? Sorry kid, you'll have to get your own leads.
Fatima, bring me your most expensive item on the menu.
Steak and eggs, Oh how disappointingly reasonable.
I take it you have not yet lost your shirt on that beet stock.
No, I took your advice, I bought more.
I never said that.
- I'm up a point.
- Is that new? Yes.
When you're an active investor like myself, you need tools to take picture of my crotch, and email it to my entire contact list.
Yasir, I'm an economist.
So heed my warning.
Three predictable things will happen before the stock crashes.
Is one of them: you're trying to ruin my good mood? Firstly, someone will utter the phrase, it's not a bubble.
- It's not a bubble.
- Check.
Secondly, the politicians get involved.
Slow down, I can't write this fast.
And finally, just moments before the crash, the doctors buy in.
Doctors? Highly educated people are quite often fools outside of their area of expertise.
You're a highly educated person.
Yes, I am.
Here you go.
That is: steak and egg.
Blame the chickens.
Sarah, I can't find my pizza pocket.
Did you look into the fridge? It's full of these weird purple stuff.
- That's beet juice.
- Betelgeuse (Beetlejuice)? Like the movie with Buster Keaton? - Michael Keaton.
- No, he was Ghostbusters.
What is this stuff? It's beet juice.
Some hockey player started drinking it, now everyone is.
- Really? - Um huh.
Gish, hockey players grow their hair on the back, you don't see everyone doing that.
Oh, so you haven't taken a good look around Mercy.
- This stuff is made here.
- Yeah, yeah.
You know, if this is popular, I want to be associated with it.
- I want to be queen beet.
- But I thought you hated beets.
Everybody loves a winner.
You know, this didn't just happen, I made it happen.
Then the public should know that.
Oh, I didn't really make it happen, it just happened.
Then the public won't find out.
Something feels weird about this.
It's because, instead of doing damage control, and trying to recover from a disaster, we're actually trying to get ahead.
Bingo.
Yes, and before I come down to the show room to pick it up, could you polish the chrome, and fill her with the highest grade of gas that you have.
Thank you.
- Did you just buy a car? - Better.
I bought a barbecue.
Isn't it more different than better? Better for cooking.
Barbecue, huh? Guess you're going to take it home, put it in your backyard, use it to cook stuff.
Wow! You really know the ins and outs.
Is it a big barbecue? Put it this way Do the words Magnum 5000 mean anything to you? No.
But they do imply a certain kind of bigness.
Ha.
Do you know that there is a history of spiritual leaders - providing religious instruction in exchange - Amaar would you like to come over for dinner? Yes please.
Today we're on a threshold of opportunity and that's why I'm 100% behind this beet product, and the beet related industries that will bring to our community.
Are beets the future of Mercy, it's too early to tell.
But the answer is yes.
Miss mayor, can we get a picture of you drinking the beet juice? I'm sorry, I don't quite follow.
I mean, actually drinking a glass of the beet juice.
There are several of them right there in front of you.
Ho ho.
That would have been a good idea.
Well, could we do that now? Well, I don't think we have time.
Do we have time? - Yeah.
- Are we? We do have time.
Alright then.
Bottoms up.
Oh! Yuck! Oh, that is so bad.
That's really bad.
Have you tasted this? What a bad product.
What a bad, bad product.
Oh, you are right.
I would rather cut my own head off than drink this stuff.
Horror.
Bad.
I predicted this would happen.
You knew the mayor would shoot beet juice out of her face.
I knew the politician would want to get on board.
But she's not on board.
I mean I haven't read the whole article, But the gish of it seems that she didn't like it.
Ah, but she wanted to get on board.
And next will come the doctors, and then prrsh, hmm, hmm, comes the crash.
Well I'm a doctor, and I'm not interested in beet stock.
Unless they have some kind of a folk festival.
- Really? - No, I'm kidding.
Who wants to go to a folk festival.
Okay, Okay.
I think I know where we went wrong.
When I spit out the beet juice? No, you see, we try to do something that's proactive.
But that's not us.
We're reactive.
Yeah, I think it's when I spit out the beet juice.
We're lucky really.
You see, we're good at overcoming disaster.
And look what came our way? Disaster, it's exactly what we needed.
We got it exactly where we want it.
What we're going to do, is wipe the situation clean.
Same way that beet stain's going to come out of the carpet.
It's not coming out.
Doesn't matter.
At least it won't, when the world sees your new commercial.
Commercial? We're going to get the tourists.
We're going to get the business interest.
What Silicon Valley is to computers, what Detroit is to cars, Mercy will be the beets.
Can I wear a purple suit? Yes, you can wear a purple suit.
Scrub it up, dub.
Sups on.
Courtesy of the Magnum 5000.
Wow, temperature does not seem to be an issue with that barbie.
May be if it was the Magnum 4000, we'll be able to tell what kind of food this is.
- Should I serve myself? - You invited yourself.
Just doing my spiritual duty.
Please pass the garlic bread.
You know, Barber, says that two of his predictions has come true.
What predictions.
Are we talking about the stupid beet thing? I won't have the beets called stupid.
Apologize to the beets.
I'm not going to Apologize to the beets.
Beet paid for your food.
Please tell the beets I'm sorry.
Okay, the thin ones are carrots.
I think.
No, no.
Thank you.
Why would Yasir send me an email of his crotch? What's up? Nothing.
Just trying to get the charcoal out of my mouth from Yasir's barbecue.
Why would you go there? Trying to do your thing.
The Mendicant thing.
Oh Amaar.
What's this, "Amateur Hour"? - You don't go to private homes.
- You don't? Your leave the food to the professionals.
You know, I thought you can handle this on your own.
But I see it when I have take you under my wing.
- You'd do that? - I hate to see a man floss.
Really, flossing is good for you.
No.
I don't think that's true.
It's a scam.
The flossing companies and the dentists, they I'll tell you later.
Thank you for coming in just now.
Rayyan's not buying the beets.
I thought she would.
What if my predictions' wrong? Well, I Wait a second.
You've never come to me for advice before.
I'm so desperate.
Not only am I seeking your advice, but I might actually take it.
Right.
Well Barber, as long as I known you, you've been your own man.
You don't care what people think.
If you did, you'd be miserable all the time.
So, I should stand firm.
Not buying in.
Exactly.
Buy at your time.
Follow your heart.
And don't do anything hasty.
Yes.
I want to buy 5000 share in the Mercy Beet Company.
And please be hasty.
Yes, I'll hold.
In the heart of beet belt, beats the heart of the 21st century.
Welcome to beet town.
A centre of industry.
A place of leadership.
Mercy is the world-class capital in beets and beet related food stuffs.
But Mercy is more than just beets.
It's canned beets, beet juice, and beethanol, the fuel of the future.
Hello potential investors, plant your bulb of success here.
Mercy, a home of root vegetable and business growth.
A message from town of Mercy, and the Mercy Beet Grower Association.
- Nailed it.
- You can really see the money on the screen.
Too bad there won't be any garbage truck on the street for next month.
- Ah, no one will miss them.
- Hmph.
- What do you think? - Hmm, that is a nice hijab, Fatima.
Pure silk, and I owed it all to the beet boom.
Have you bought anything special for yourself? - Chicken sandwich.
- Oh! Well, enjoy.
You know when I first heard about this beet stock, I thought it was something I should stay away from.
Well, Islamically speaking, investing is tricky.
You lend money, you can't charge interest, because you'll be taking advantage of somebody.
But you can invest in a company.
Our prophet, peace be upon him, is okay with profits.
I know, I just thought it sounded stupid to invest in beets.
- Do you think I should have bought it? - No, not necessarily.
Besides, you're not the only one holding out.
- There's still Baber.
- Yeah.
Me and Baber.
I got to get me some shares.
Then of course, salad here is terrific.
Yeah, not as good as the Greek salad last night at the legion, but way better than the bean salad at the cattleman banquet.
Usually they have mashed potatoes here that are really good.
Yeah.
Got some.
- I don't see them up there.
- Yeah.
I've got the last bit.
You took all the mashed potatoes? No.
There were just a serving and a half, and I thought I finish it all.
- I would have eaten half a serving.
- Okay, sorry.
Can I have some now? Um, I'm kind of funny about eating food off from other people's plates.
But I'll be eating off your plate.
Yeah, still not comfortable with it.
Come on, Amaar.
Shoot me some mashed potatoes.
You wouldn't even be here if it weren't for me.
Fine.
You want some potatoes? Here's some mashed potatoes.
Did you hear? Darcy Tucker is holding a press conference.
He's going to say more good things about beets.
Fatima, I already know.
State of the art.
I got instant news feed.
- How'd you hear? - The newspaper.
Yesterday's newspaper.
Well, this lights up.
Anyway, I'm buying more stocks right now.
The technology is incredible.
Let me ask you a question.
Why, on this gadget, do you press "sell" when you want to buy? No.
You press "buy".
But you pressed "sell".
- Urgh.
- Hmph.
Incredible technology.
That's Okay.
I'll buy them back before the market closes.
- And it just closed.
- Ooh, it's an accurate clock too.
Don't you lock me out.
Don't you do it.
Apologize to the beets.
Apologize to the beets.
Okay I'm coming around the corner.
I'm unarmed.
Don't shoot any potatoes at me.
Look, I said I was sorry about that.
Sometimes, even when you are the leader of the flock, you you find yourself eh, going astray, and it takes it takes one of the other sheep, uh, to get you back to the flock, uh, in the valley where where the sheep, where the sheep are.
What do you mean another sheep.
I thought you were the shepherd? No, no.
The the leader of the flock.
The the leader sheep.
the the boss sheep.
So there are other sheep running around wild, but you're the alpha sheep.
- I I guess so.
- Okay.
Look Amaar, what I'm trying to say is, eh I don't think we should do this food thing anymore.
We did go astray, like your sheep thing.
Lets not talk about the sheep thing anymore.
It's It's a dead end.
Next time just make yourself a shepherd.
I should have done that.
Bah Sorry.
Excuse me, Darcy Tucker is about to go on the TV.
Afterword, I have a slice of this beet cake for everyone.
Made with real beets.
Baber, what are you doing here? Come to gloat about the big crash? Ah, there is not going to be a crash.
Because you, - doctor Harmoudi, did not buy in.
- Oh, but I did buy in.
- What? - Uh Hmm.
I'm a stock holder.
Although we are not holding anything.
You know, I thought I get a big stack of those bank-note, diploma thingy's, but - Wait, you're in? - Yeah.
- The doctors are buying in? - Well, just me.
And doctor Welsh in the clinic.
And doctor Schmidt, and actually I think I heard something about it being part of our pension plan.
So Yeah, all the doctors.
- This can't be happening.
- Exciting, isn't it? This stock is going to go through the roof, and I don't own any, because I don't know how to use this.
I'm an idiot.
All my loyal customers, it's about to start.
Please, shut up! After talking it over to my family, my agent, I'm happy to announce I've decided to sign a Frantic Bronco Energy Drink.
I'm sure this drink has beets in it.
It has beets, right? Right? I love all four flavours.
Orange, cranberry, He's going to say beet next.
I can feel it in my bones.
Lemon, - Beets, beets, beets, beets, beet, beets - and my personal favourites - Beets, beets, beets - Beep, beep, beep Beechnut.
- Delicious beechnut.
- Darcy .
- Ha ha ha ha ha.
- I can't breathe.
But Darcy, just a few weeks ago, you spoke about the energy properties of beets.
Did I? Hmm, I said a lot of things.
Anyway, the most important thing is to drink Frantic Bronco Energy Drink.
There are 6.
6 billion people in this world that are not Darcy Tucker.
And they all love beets.
This stock is going to crash, and I don't own any, because I don't know how to use this.
I'm an idiot, a very lucky idiot.
Wait a minute, this means that my theory was right.
It was a bubble.
I'm a genius, I'm a stupid genius.
How much is this stock worth now? About as much as this cake.
I would have eaten that.
Alright, so the Mercy Beet Company is closed.
And the beet boom is over, and I granted you beet mayor, right before the biggest root vegetable related stock crash in history.
but on the plus side, we did get the beet stain out of the carpet.
No, we didn't.
Still over there.
- Well, I thought it was here - No.
.
Sigh, you can take all the stuff to the garbage.
We can't.
There's no truck this month.
Hello.
- Wonderful news.
- You bought a barbecue that doesn't burn everything? No.
I'm going to be a man.
And I'm going to admit to your mother that I invested against her will.
Good idea.
And then when she finds out that I came out ahead, - I'm going to rub it in her face.
- It's a bad idea.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Hey you two, what's up? Oh nothing, just talking about the beet disaster.
Oh, I'm so glad that you didn't invest, and I hate to say "I told you so", but Oh, my sweet nay sayer, my darling sceptic, I did invest.
I did.
And I sold just before the crash.
- How could you do this to me? - I made us a bundle.
No no no no no.
You can't take away the "I told you so".
I love the "I told you so"s.
You have been a totally reliable source of "I told you so" for a quarter of century.
Right, give me your credit card.
Why? - Well, we're rich, aren't we? - Not that rich.
- Hey sweetie, want to go shopping? - Yeah.
- This was a bad idea, wasn't it? - Well, I told you so.
Bye.
In the heart of the "street" belt, beat the hearts of the 21st century.
Welcome to "street" town.
- We changed the "beet" to "street".
- Crafty! Mercy is more than just streets.
It's short street.
Hello potential investors, plant your "bulb" of success here.
You think anyone will notice? That you're a genius? Yes.
Reverend, what are you doing here? Amaar, I'm just ministering.
Well, they offered, and I, I don't want to be rude.
You just told me the sheep stories, so you don't have to share that coleslaw.
Amaar, I'm not going to make up some stupid story just so that I can eat coleslaw.
But for the record, this coleslaw has raisins in it.
It's really good.
May I have some? I thought you didn't like to eat off other peoples plates.
- I kind of made that up.
- Um.
I kind of knew that.
- Woh, woh.
- What? Is that the Rabbi over by the chip bowl? Let's roll.