Lopez (2016) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Hey, hey, hey, what's going on? Hey, stop right there, sir.
Let me see some ID.
ID? I'm George Lopez.
I live here.
ID, sir.
Man, all right.
You wanna go viral? Film this.
All right, Mr.
Lopez, your neighbors complained about reckless endangerment.
Knives flying into their backyards.
I was just throwing them at the fence.
And one slipped through.
Oh man, Hector, come on, man.
What're you thinking, dude? Listen, he's staying with me.
I'm trying to rehabilitate him, help him out.
Why don't I make a a donation.
Is it still - Toys for Tots.
- Toys for Tots.
- Thank you, Officer.
- All right, thanks.
Unhook him.
I simply don't get it.
I tweeted 32 great rants about e-cigarettes, and I've got a total of 32 likes, and they're all from Hector.
Got your back, bro.
Damn, I gottafigure out a way for more people to see my stuff.
George, I need some of your followers.
Can you just retweet me once every few hours? The people that follow me don't like you.
But I tell you what, I'mma do it.
'Cause you sound desperate.
Hey, can't have a recap of yesterday and be pissing the neighbors off, so, Manolo, your job is to keep him out of trouble.
I'm sorry, jefe, but school's kicking me in the culo, I gotta study.
Can you quiz me on the presidents? What makes you think I know? Hey, Maronzio is gonna quiz you on the presidents.
And both of you help him find a job because I can't have him here exfoliating all day and taking cat naps between episodes of the "Gilmore Girls.
" It's hard for parolees to find even a doo-doo job.
Like when I was trying to get on at Arby's and they were like, "No.
" And I was like, "Man" You know who said that first? Mark Twain.
Write that down.
I'm going golfing.
Help him find a job, you two, all right? Hey, Amir, what zip code is that? Hey, you're pretty funny, George.
You ever think of doing comedy? Hey, wait 'til you guys see my new show.
Hour-long drama I play a scary son of a bitch.
Oh, you playing a drunk? Hey, I didn't know your kid worked here.
Yeah.
Mine did too.
Hell, for the amount of money we pay in dues, better hire our kids.
That's right, they better hire our kids.
Hundred bucks you make this one, Lopez.
You're on.
It's actually so good to be home actually.
Glad you're back.
Again.
It's like America's gotten so small-minded and provincial.
Seriously, all the rad towns I used to live in are dead.
I had to dip out.
I ghosted Williamsburg, I ghosted Brooklyn, ghosted Omaha.
So I was selling chronic in Boulder until that became legal and then I was driving for Lyft in Austin until that became illegal.
Aww, they outlawed Lyft and inlawed weed.
- An American tragedy.
- You're so comedy.
So I thought, why not come home and let Mom enable me for a while? Hey, it's kinda like the old days.
You at your computer doing nerdy things and me actually living my life.
Hey, could you ghost my room for just a sec? I've got a meeting with George that I need to prepare for.
Mmm, Mom said I should be your new assistant.
It's not the worst idea, right? Mom? Wow, it's all green and stuff.
It's like we're in nature or something.
Hey, thanks for the opportunity again, George.
Okay, listen, take it easy, all right? Bring it-bring it down a little bit, all right? You're not a Lopez, but here you represent me, - George Lopez, okay? - Actually, George, I am a Lopez.
I'm Hector Lopez.
You are? Okay, well, listen.
Probably let them know you're not my kid, is one.
But don't do anything stupid or say anything stupid, all right? And work, but don't talk.
- Okay.
- All right.
Uh, what do I do with this? I got it.
You have money? Uh, yeah.
In your wallet.
Could you hurry up? I want to look good on my first day.
Who gives a rats? It's only a trial.
For you, this is just something to pass the time 'til you ghost off to Eugene and open up a hula-hoop shop.
Oregon? Gross.
Too white.
Well, it doesn't matter where you go.
I'm only doing this for you until you get on your feet and you leave again.
This is my job and I take it very seriously.
You're really only doing this because Mom threatened to kick you off the family phone plan.
It's my office, so I need the Okay, if you're gonna be my assistant, I'm going to call you Tagine.
Your fake assistant? Can you do an accent? G'day, mate! Could I get you a cup of coffee? Maybe Coca-Cola? A latte? Ow, was that Dothraki? Forget it.
- I tried.
- No, do your voice.
So, uh your Olly's sister? And assistant.
- I'm Pfeiffer.
- Hi.
Can I get you a coffee, a water? They really need a Stumptown around here.
Uh, no, I'm okay.
It's my house, so I'm fine.
This job is so epic.
Um, should we start the meeting? Pfeiffer, could you excuse us for a sec? Whatever.
Sorry, Mom made me hire her.
I work so hard just to get by, and everything falls into her lap.
Jobs, dudes, most nights.
- Okay.
- Sorry.
Yeah, back to business.
Everything's moving along very well with "The Valleys.
" They love Coco, obviously.
They're talking to writers.
In the meantime, I'm going to scout a YouTube show this weekend.
I think you should come.
Why? That's horrible.
Mmm, no doubt it will be.
But these performers have millions of followers.
You could end up on one of their live feeds and And be relevant.
All right, I'll go.
Got Hector a job at the country club.
Trying to see if everything's all right.
He told me he'd text me.
How did you and I end up taking care of people? It's not like we're these selfless altruists.
We're in show business, for God's sake.
- Maybe it's who we are.
- Yeah.
Wait, do you think you always have to take care of me? Why, do you think you always have to take care of me? Ooh.
Yo, hold up.
These are all for you? I'm still drunk from last night.
Why stop now? Woo-woo! Hey, block me while I pound these.
Well, hurry up, I don't want to get in trouble, man.
Trouble? Aren't you the new barback that was in lockup? Yeah, I'm Hector.
Connor Hyundai, no relation to the cars.
But I am rich.
How'd you know I was in jail? I found out everything.
You were in jail and still got a job here? That's thug.
Well, look, man, George Lopez is helping me out and I really don't want to let him down.
I hear you, esé.
My dad got me this gig.
Did he give you that whole, "fly straight, work hard, - "make connections" spiel? - Yeah.
Well, you made the numero uno conexión at this place.
Nothing goes down without me hearing about it, so Oh! Break time.
- You got any weed? - No! You want some? You sure this is okay? You know who I lit up with in this very spot yesterday? The number-one realtor in the Valley.
He's gonna hire me to DJ his Christmas party.
- Yeah - That's a good connect.
You bet your ass it is.
You stick with me, you're gonna be crushing it too in no time.
Country clubs are dope.
Yo, sharing is caring, man.
Puff, puff, pass.
Oh, yeah.
Who's this guy? Mmm, I told you.
Hector.
He's new.
What's up? I'm Bayleigh.
- She's lit, right, sis? - Sis? Oh, we say that instead of "bro.
" It's more woke.
My girl's lit.
Tell me she's lit.
She's your girl, dude.
I mean, sis.
It's okay, sis.
Say it.
- She's lit.
- She's lit? Hells yeah! Hey, what's your tattoo? Oh this? My whole squad up in county has it.
- I inked it myself.
- This dude is cool.
- Let's keep him.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Yeah? Oh, okay.
Hey! Where you been, dude? You don't check your phone? - Everything okay? - Yeah, everything is so great.
I'm murdering it.
This kid named Connor is showing me all the ropes.
Oh, his dad's a bridge contractor.
The secret is to build 'em just good enough so you have to rebuild them again in ten years.
That's terrifying.
Oh, it's break time.
Can't miss break time.
Connor said that's when all the deals go down.
Let me have that drink.
Ho-ho! What's crackin', hombre? You don't mind if I sit, do you? I do, but go ahead.
That's cool.
- Thank you, pal.
- Uh, listen, I'm working on my new television show.
It's kinda really relevant.
Edgy, cooler, younger audience.
- Ah, for Netflix? - Yeah, you know, like that.
Uh, here's the thing you probably don't know about television shows, it takes 'em a little while to get up and running.
The shows you do, sure.
When I'm selling on Great Value Network, I could do seven days a week if I want.
There's a constant audience, buddy.
Okay, listen.
I don't think you heard me where I said younger, cooler audience.
Au contraire, Georgie.
Listen to me.
Since "Shark Tank," everybody is into GVN.
Young people, old people, middle-aged people, hipsters, blipsters, you name it, everybody.
What's a blipster? Black hipsters.
I'm writing that down.
Wait a second.
Georgie You should be selling something, man.
Yeah, but it's gotta be really difficult to land on the right product, though, right? All you do is come up with something people think they're gonna use all the time, but won't take up too much space when they shove it in their closet.
Like the ThighMaster.
That thing, you could put that thing in a glove compartment.
- Can fit anywhere.
- Now you're talkin', baby.
Huh? You talk, I type.
All right, let's see Now this won't be on the test, but I think you need to know that I am a direct descendent of Thomas Jefferson.
Mm-hmm.
I have family from that area.
If you get a nickel, you'll be able to see the resemblance.
Hey Back off, homie.
Sorry, uh, what kind of perfume are you wearing? It's called chorizo, no wonder you like it.
Uh, Manolo, eyes on your own paper and the notes are right here on the board, baby.
Sorry, Miss Wendy, it's too far away.
Wait a minute, man, you need glasses and you've been driving me this whole time? Hey, man, what's wrong with you? Dude, you just ran through that stop sign.
Oh, I'm sorry, jefe.
Jefe, I need some change for the toll.
Change for the toll? We're under the bridge.
Why are we waiting here? Stop sign.
That's for a yard sale.
Now it all makes sense.
I'm making you an eye doctor's appointment.
And I'm driving us to that YouTube showcase.
Man, I love my new job.
Thanks again so much.
So everything went fine? No problems? Yeah, man, no problems.
Hey, do we have any LaCroix left? Check the garage fridge.
Garage fridge? My life is badass.
You're doing a good thing for him, jefe.
You know, Manolo? I wish there was more people like me.
I should take in more kids.
I got four empty rooms upstairs.
So what'd you do last night? Did you end up going out with that guy? What's up? Uh, where's Connor? I don't know.
How do you know where I live? I followed you home.
Then I waited 'til your two dads left.
So you gonna let me in or what? Uh, actually, um I'm not supposed to have anybody over.
And I'm grabbing to milk a cow.
And I'm grabbing, like, the cow's breasts, say what? Udders? I mean, I don't remember the technical term for them Hey, Olly, so I've been talking to Jake about getting some products together to take over to GVN.
Great, perfect.
It's very important to diversify these days.
Yeah, just to clarify, is this guy purposely trying not to be funny? Who knows, who cares? You know what I mean? But you should try to get on his feed.
He's an engager.
I'd engage with that fine piece of ass.
He has nine-million followers.
Nine-million followers? I gotta figure out a way to get a piece of that.
Ooh, if you get one of your rants on one of these feeds How's it going with Pfeiffer? Surprisingly, not awful.
She's really great with different brands of coconut water, and she started an Instagram account for my hats.
How's Hector's job going? Surprisingly, not awful.
You know, he's making a lot of connections at work.
You know what? Go Team Lopez.
Hey, give it up.
Paul Logan, everybody, with nine-million followers.
Now this next guy coming to the stage is a special guest with How many followers did you say you had? Uh, 3,033.
Ladies and gentlemen, Maronzio Vance.
'Kay.
That's okay.
Thank you for that warm welcome.
I don't wanna rant, but I have to.
Look, I saw a guy today with a man bun.
And I don't know what that was about.
But he had a man bun and he had on a Pitbull: Live in Concert T-shirt and he had on Crocs.
Then on top of that, what made it even more offensive is he was screaming "I'm on it" into a flip phone.
Who still has a flip phone? Can we just talk about how many ways this guy is not "on it," people? Numero uno, no one should wear a man bun unless you're a samurai warrior Is that our network executive right there? Yes.
Jason.
Not Jason.
I mean, Jason.
But don't come over here.
No, that's cool.
Actually, it's fine.
Play it cool.
I'll follow your lead.
- Hi.
- Oh, hey.
- Hi, hi, hi.
- Hi.
We'll talk after.
My name is Maronzio Vance.
M-A-R-O-N-Z-I-O Vance.
Thank y'all very much.
Yeah, Maronzio.
Yay, Maronzio! We know him.
You drink too much at these industry things.
Mm-mmm, mmm.
Alcoholism is the only fun thing in our family.
- Where'd your sister go? - Huh? Of course.
You know who else has nine-million followers? Her, in her pants.
- Can I just take that? - Sure.
Yeah, you'll be all right.
So where we gonna do this? Wow, no offense, but you're Connor's girlfriend.
I told myself if you didn't want to bump uglies, I wouldn't force it.
I'm not a perv, sis.
Whew, thank goodness.
So onto my second place.
I want a prison tat.
I brought the ink, clean knitting needle, at least I think it's clean.
I haven't done a tattoo in forever.
These will help.
Shrooms? Total ghetto.
But it'll make it all magical.
Like The Beatles.
- A'ight.
- Yeah.
I crushed it, George.
Like, I crushed it.
I feel good.
I didn't even take the eight bucks for the set.
- How much was it? - It was eight bucks.
So you're rolling in it, huh? Look, man, I got new followers.
I mean, the message and the medium have finally met.
Jefe, I saw this big light, so I called Mami to come down.
Check out her new grill.
What's that right there? It smells delicious.
I'll take two of those.
- Monies primero.
- Seriously? That's why they're building a wall.
It's that kind of attitude.
Lluvia! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't bring that in here.
That's a fire hazard.
What if somebody, like, invented an indoor Mexican grill? I just read a book and cleaned my Oh, Connor.
'Sup, Connor? Nah! Don't smile at me.
Where is she? She's gone, sis, chill.
What's up? Bayleigh texted a pic of your hands on her ass.
I have no chill.
She wanted a tramp stamp, all right? It goes above her ass.
Wait, you didn't like my work? Nobody puts angel wings above my girl's ass.
You think you're hard? I'll show you hard.
Connor? Terrible.
You guys didn't hear anything? What the hell's going on? Well obviously, I've been vandalized.
Not to point any fingers, but it's because of you-know-who.
You're literally pointing a finger.
- Who? - Knife Boy.
Hector.
I honestly don't think I'm any more or less racist than the average white person or black person, but I'm certain that Hector and the element he attracts is in some way responsible for this.
Well, first of all, there's no sliding scale of racism.
And secondly, how do you even know Hector was involved? This was a bit of a tip-off.
- Oh.
- Also, I have security-cam footage of a kid about Hector's age caught in the act.
You can't even make out who that i I'll pay for it.
And please get Hector to come clean it up tomorrow.
I'll be around from 1:00 to 3:00.
I'll make him lunch.
So Connor got the wrong place? Seriously? You think this is funny? Wait a minute, man.
Are you high? No, no.
I don't think Hector did anything wrong.
He refused to have sex with Connor's girlfriend.
She asked for a tattoo so he gave her one.
Thank you for that recap.
Listen, no more tattoos, okay? And stay away from that dude Connor and that girl whatever-her-name-is.
I will.
And thanks, George.
You're welcome.
Tomorrow I'll see if I can get you transferred from the club.
I'll talk to the manager, see if he can put you in the probably greenskeepers, those guys are all from Guatemala, they don't speak English.
And I gotta keep you away from that destructive Asian influence.
Here's what you do, you gas up the cars and I want you to wash the dishes.
And don't say that maid's gonna do it 'cause she's already here and I'm looking at her.
What's your number? Find me on Insta.
What the hell are you doing? That is the exec for George's new show.
Uh, good morning.
No, what did you tell him? Does he know I live at home? Oh, you're gonna screw this up for me like you do everything.
Easy, tiger, don't worry.
That dude never shuts up about himself.
He kept going on and on about his marriage even while we were doing it.
Ugh, he's married? Not happily.
You're so I like how that grill's coming along, jefe.
Yeah, me too, Manolo.
I'm psyched.
Ah, your glasses came in, eh? Yeah, aren't they great? Yo, sometimes they slip down, but you can push them right back up again.
Oh that's quite a day for you.
Hector? Oh, not Amir's wife! Next time, on Lopez: Your sister's having sex with Jason, our network executive? - That can't be good.
- Or could it be very good? is a great writer.
I want "Valleys" to make some noise.
I think we'll take this project to the next level.
I wanna be honest with you, I hate everything you've done.
Totally.
But you don't have still the grill to work on.
This is the best shopping network on TV.
They've been really excited by your grill.
- Who's my calls? - Him.
Me? Him?