Lovesick (Scrotal Recall) (2014) s02e05 Episode Script

[sniffs.]
[Luke laughs.]
Oh, God.
Thirty years in a barrel and it still tastes like whiskey.
I'm sorry, that is the real problem here.
You're not doing it right.
You've gotta smell it and then taste it.
See what it makes you think of.
It mostly just reminds me of really strong alcohol.
Is this the one? I think the one we liked was smokier maybe? Oh.
Why couldn't you and Mal have bonded over a perky little rosé? [Dylan.]
I have to say I'm impressed.
You used to freak out about birthdays and now you're back here hunting down the very first whiskey that you drank together, to have on your wedding day.
Face it.
You're a romantic.
We haven't drunk this much whiskey since the Tech Awards.
- Were we drinking whiskey? - You were for sure.
Shit.
Isabel.
I left her off the list.
[Luke.]
Yeah.
Isabel.
What ever happened to her? [Dylan.]
I don't know.
She was always so busy - and then I was busy and - Boys, focus.
Okay? We've got a lot more tasting to do.
We're not leaving here until I've found the one.
God, you're starting to sound like Dylan.
I'm actually I'm feeling a little bit peaky.
Is it okay if I switch up on to rosé, please? - To take the edge off? - [laughs.]
- I'm sorry What! - [laughs.]
I don't care.
I'm doing it anyway.
We should catch the coach soon or we'll be stuck for the night.
We don't do this enough.
We should keep hold of it.
Promise me? [sighs deeply.]
Right.
That old dude at the bar says that this is his favorite and he looks like he's only drunk whiskey for the last, like, 100 years, so I think this is the one.
- [sighs.]
Finally! - [Dylan.]
Really? Not just 'cause we have to catch the coach? Yeah.
This is it.
Amen to that.
- [indistinct chatter.]
- Things like this make me feel like I don't know, like I I really don't have my shit together.
Uh, you don't, dude.
[Dylan.]
I mean these people might win awards tonight for being great at what they do.
They have, like, a thing that they do, [stammers.]
and they're good at it, and they take pride in it.
Well, not necessarily.
What do you mean? There's more than one path to a statuette.
That's all I'm saying.
To the sweet, sweet taste of victory, dear boy.
How do you know that you'll win? These awards are notorious for jury tampering and corruption, which is terrible, obviously.
[whispers.]
Unless you're the one doing the tampering.
I thought we were here to celebrate your hard-won achievement? It is an achievement.
It's an achievement in bribery.
It's, uh Listen, it's all good fun.
Seriously, I've schmoozed.
I've earned this.
- Incoming! - Ooh! It's the award for Best Front-End Development In a freemium app.
- Samuels.
McNeish! Mandy! - [laughing.]
Okay, everyone on your best behavior, right? For those of you who haven't met him, Alexander Walker is one of our principal investors.
- Gentlemen.
- Thank you for my salary.
- Do you want some MDMA? - Okay, let's get you a drink, man.
Lots to get excited about tonight.
Yeah, actually, I need to, uh, catch up with some familiar faces.
So, good luck.
- All right? - Oh, hi.
- I'm Jonno.
- Yeah.
No, I do remember you, Jonno.
I find it's fifty-fifty with people.
How's it going? You got stuck on top of any more hospitals or No, I prop open every door now.
Drives my girlfriend crazy.
Oh.
Well, I'm glad you found someone.
We have sex three times a week.
Wow.
Don't always do everything.
Well, I'm I'm glad it worked out for you.
I was in a rut, so I changed job, got a girlfriend, and now I'm winning an award.
Best Front-End Development of a Freemium App.
I'm loving life, Edie! - Well, it's it's Evie.
- [sighs.]
- No, no, no! - All right, guys? We're not your guys anymore.
We're strange men.
Strangers, Sam, it's not strange men.
But his point remains.
Jonno, you betrayed us.
You're like Judas, only much worse.
- I just took a different job.
- [mimicking.]
Doing what's right for me.
Forget it, boys.
He's not worth it.
- You stop consorting with the enemy.
- Sorry.
Seriously, Evie, how do you think it makes me feel, - seeing you with - [Evie.]
Sorry! Unbelievable! We've found our table.
We're there.
No that can't be right.
Check if you want.
- You all right? - They seat the winners at the front so people don't have to wait ages while they walk back from the podium.
A table at the back almost always means We may have a problem with the award for Best Front-End Development in a Freemium App.
That's the award that Jonno's winning.
Evie, speaking very slowly and precisely with no ambiguous phrases or foreign words What the fuck? Jonno said that he was winning that award.
- He seemed pretty confident about it.
- Tell me everything you know.
There's nothing much, just he's doing all right.
- He's got a girlfriend - [scoffs.]
Yeah, right.
He likes his job [Samuels.]
Interesting.
That's Wendy.
Give me more, Samuels.
- Open that beautiful mind of yours.
- She went skiing last year.
I saw it on Facebook.
She didn't like the moguls.
She strongly liked the hot wine.
A mogul is a bump in the snow.
Some people like to ski around bumps.
Not Wendy.
Someone took a photo of her afterwards.
Her dad! He took it.
He put a photo of her on Facebook.
You commented on it.
- Me? Why? - You said it looked [laughs.]
like a bumpy ride.
He, uh, liked the comment, uh, with a thumb up.
- Her dad's Charles Ashton! - [gasps.]
She's Wendy Ashton! [chuckles.]
The fact they share the same surname didn't help you make the connection? [exhales deeply.]
Oh, Jonno, you sly bastard.
Charles Ashton's on the awards jury.
I played golf with him three times this month.
I don't even know how to play golf! I made it up.
- We're dead meat, aren't we? - No, we're very much alive meat.
- So what's the plan? - Go and get a drink.
- I'll take care of this, boys.
- Man with a plan.
Plan on it! Go! Drink! Precelebrate! [chuckles.]
You guys hang back.
Okay, what's the plan? I've got literally nothing.
What makes you so sure you're not actually gonna win? Yes, good.
You determine that.
- What? How? - I don't know.
You suggested it.
Evie, I think it's time you had a chat with your ex-boyfriend.
Uh, no, I never actually went out with Jonno.
Really? You sure? You never dated him? - No.
Never.
- I distinctly remember Okay, well, maybe now's a good time to seduce him and extract a little pillow talk, huh? Well, I could just talk to him.
I don't think it will be half as effective, but if it's all you can offer me, fine.
Chop-chop, Dyl.
We're on the clock.
Let's go.
Okay, fine.
But I want you to have really low expectations of me actually succeeding.
They're coming down from really certain to absolute certainty of success.
Uh, what are you gonna do? [sighs.]
Well, I've assigned all the main tasks.
I might as well go get a drink.
- [Isabel.]
Can I get you something to eat? - Sorry? People hanging around here are usually just trying to jump in early on the canapés.
[stammers.]
Oh, no, I'm just Uh I'm There is something, though.
Could could I just get backstage? - That's staff only.
- Yeah, I just I want to sneak a look at the award winners in the envelopes.
[chuckles.]
- You're very upfront about the cheating.
- Yeah.
Have you got a bet riding on it or something? Something like that.
Can you help? Thanks for doing this.
It's really kind.
The organizers' room has a thumbprint ID and CCTV entry system.
- Fuck! - Kidding.
It's just a room.
[indistinct chatter.]
Excuse me uh, sorry.
Uh, can I have a word? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, no problem.
I would like to preempt any sexual tension by reminding you I do have a girlfriend.
So it's a no.
- Yeah.
- It's probably a no.
- Okay.
- I mean could ask her? Nah.
[both chuckle nervously.]
How did you meet Wendy? Classic story.
Bit of grinding at a nightclub, Facebook afterwards.
Bang.
Love.
So, why did you choose her out of all of the girls in the city? Was there something special about her? There is something special about her.
- Oh, yeah? - She's kind.
And she believes in me.
And I believe in me.
And so now loads of people are on board with believing in the Jonno.
So you weren't just using her to get to the awards? I don't know what you're talking about.
Are you getting on with that fella you were hung up on? - [stutters.]
What, Dylan? - Make your move yet? Nope.
[chuckles.]
- You lost interest? - Nope.
[chuckles.]
- You chickened out? - Yeah.
Being single's not so bad.
You get bought lots of drinks.
It's a free bar tonight.
I mean, generally.
You couldn't pay me to be single again.
[both chuckle.]
[whispers.]
It will happen.
- [yawns.]
- Long day? When I do an event like this my Saturdays are, like, 20 hours long.
- Isn't that illegal? - You're asking the right girl! Or you will be.
I, uh, I'm saving to train as a lawyer.
You know, I wanna do human rights.
Uh, but to get there, first I must trample on my own.
[chuckles.]
- [chuckles.]
- It's fine, I can - I can sleep it off on Monday.
- Why not tomorrow? Oh, 'cause on Sundays I do pro bono work for a women's refuge.
Got to build up that CV.
[chuckles.]
I'm exhausted just listening to your schedule.
Feel free to tip heavily at the end of the night.
- [door opens.]
- [footsteps approaching.]
- Are we are we all right? - I don't want to spoil your fun but, um I don't think anyone cares that we're in here.
[chuckles.]
[chuckles.]
- We should probably get a move on.
- Yeah.
They get beady if their staff go missing and I need this job.
Along with all the other ones.
Yeah.
[chuckles.]
It's cool you know what you wanna do.
If I'd figured it out sooner, I could have studied at uni, but better late than never.
- [stammers.]
How did you - Ah! Here we are.
Yep.
And the winner is Not Luke.
Hey, can we get this guy some mini hamburgers please? And some mini quiches as well.
You know what? Just bring him a lot of small food.
[chuckles.]
Yes.
We have a great developer team, we really do.
I mean, they're they're very, very award-winning.
Yeah, well, we'll shortly see if other people share your opinion, won't we? [chuckles.]
That's true.
[inhales sharply.]
Although, you know to even be nominated in this category really is a huge deal.
Right? Yeah.
- [woman.]
Thank you.
- What can I get you, sir? I'd like a beer, please.
And a lot more advice.
Oh, Dylan, I'm sorry but they'll get really pissed off if I have a long conversation with a guest.
I'd like to talk.
I really would, but um - What if I helped? - If you helped? What are you Dylan I want what you've got with your law stuff.
That thing of, you know, doing something you really love.
That sounds great.
Okay, well, welcome to the catering industry.
Does this feel like your calling? [both chuckle.]
[guests laughing.]
- Music.
- Headphones.
- Food.
- Chewing.
- Cars.
- Pollution.
- Lacrosse.
- Lacrosse.
Sorry, lacrosse makes me think of lacrosse.
- No thinking, no questions.
Art.
- Uh, gallery.
- Hunting.
- Unicorns.
- Sorry.
- [laughs.]
It's all right.
[both laughing.]
- Sorry.
Uh, gardens.
- Lovely.
You find gardens lovely? Yeah, the You know, the smell of freshly cut grass.
Things changing through the seasons.
That's lovely.
- Have you thought about the SAS? - [chuckles.]
Or maybe just landscape gardening? - Could I do that? - Why not? I'm actually really excited by that idea.
- There you are then.
- [laughs.]
Could it be that simple? Does everything have to be complicated? - Hey.
- What can I get you? - What are you doing? - I'm pouring you a drink.
I find you very confusing.
[clears throat.]
Oh.
All right, guys? So Jonno just appeared in your life, did he, Wendy? Like Father Christmas, only real and called Jonno? - What? - Two words for your lady.
Charles and Daddy.
Daddy's in the same industry, so we had a lot in common.
- It doesn't add up.
- Are these friends of yours? Oh, we're all friends here, Wendy.
We all want the same things.
Love The award for Best Front-End Development in a Freemium App.
I'm starting to freak out.
Wendy, far be it for me to predict any of the night's big results, but one hears things and, well, boys, lay it out for the lady.
Wendy, you are linked to Charles.
Yes, because I'm his daughter.
And you like hot wine, but not when the snow's bumpy.
- And you're a Virgo - Jonno used you to get to your father to get to the award for Best Front-End Development in a Freemium App! - Dad's not on the jury this year.
- What? I met Wendy grinding! At a club.
It was our third date before I realized who her dad was.
If we win it, it's because we're good at it.
You bunch of tits! That was a masterclass, Luke.
- [chuckles.]
- We've lost.
Yeah, but the way you handled it was masterful.
[announcer.]
Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd take your seats, tonight's awards will begin in five minutes.
It wasn't supposed to end like this.
- Amen to that, brother.
- I had it all planned out.
Life doesn't work that way.
I hope it gets better.
If I sit here all night, I'm gonna lose.
Luke, you have lost.
Just sit down.
It's not over.
There's still one thing left I haven't tried.
[announcer.]
Ladies and gentlemen, take your seats for tonight's ceremony.
[indistinct chatter.]
This is great! I feel like just going out there and, I don't know buying a trowel! Yes! From one of the many late night garden shops in the city center.
I could carry around secateurs and get a feel for pruning.
Go.
Go and find them.
Yeah, I think I might just stay, actually, and rule out being a barman forever.
For just a little while longer.
- What's this all about? - Believe me, this is the nuclear option.
Hey, you can't kill me.
[stammers.]
Witnesses saw me leaving with you.
I'm not gonna kill you, Jonno.
It's much worse than that.
For me.
Oh, no.
I'm flattered, Luke, but I've got a girlfriend now.
I am down on my knees, and I am begging you to please let us win that award.
Yeah, when I worked for you at Volcano Media it was always about you.
Well, tonight's about me [whispers.]
Jonno.
Not about you Luke.
You're gonna have to deal with that.
Tonight's not about either of us, Jonno.
It's about Samuels and McNeish and Mandy.
The investors wanna make cuts.
They wanna outsource the front-end development team.
- They're gonna get rid of them.
- McNeish called me a much worse Judas.
All right? That's not very nice.
He's angry you left because we were a family.
I thought that if we won the award, then it'd be an award-winning team.
It'd add value.
It'd keep them safe.
- Why would I help you? - Because Because you're a much nicer guy than I am, Jonno.
If you take your team out of contention they might stand a chance.
[sighs heavily.]
[indistinct chatter.]
[crowd applauding.]
Whatever happens you guys are my number one.
Do we get an engraved plastic trophy for that? Do you want one? That would be amazing.
[announcer.]
Next up - Then yes, of course.
- we have the award for integrated entertainment experience.
[crowd applauding.]
Job well done, Dylan.
Thanks.
It's been an education.
- Pleasure schooling you.
- [glasses clink.]
So, do you ever think, "What the hell, I'll just take four minutes off to have a drink with someone"? Yeah, it's on my to-do list.
I just think it's polite to sort your life out before you inflict it on someone else.
Don't you think? Well, um, if you'd consider making an exception after this is all over It sounds like you might be asking me on a date.
I would've asked earlier, but I thought I should sort my life out before inflicting myself on you.
[chuckles.]
That's the polite thing to do.
Yeah, I might find half an hour to fit you in.
- [announcer speaks indistinctly.]
- Maybe.
[crowd applauding.]
[announcer.]
Thank you very much.
The next award this evening goes to the Best Front-End Development Freemium App.
And the winners are Volcano Media! [crowd cheering and applauding.]
[shouting excitedly.]
[all cheering.]
Go on then, developers.
Go and get it! Gotta wring out every drop! [both shouting excitedly.]
How did you do it? I don't know I took a risk.
Okay, I'll be back in a second.
We will still need to cut costs.
They're an award-winning team now.
That adds value! One of them offered me MDMA.
It was a gesture.
Unless you want some.
[laughs.]
It was a joke.
All right, I'll agree to support you for another six months.
They'll make you proud.
I promise.
Sure.
- You won! - Ha! - You didn't even have to - Let's not discuss that just now.
- Big night for you! - Okay, then.
All right.
[sighs.]
I've got to deliver some thank-yous, then let's get roaring drunk on free whiskey.
Yeah, okay, you're already there.
So, just pause.
How did he do it? Well, he said that he took a risk.
Are you all right? You do sound pretty drunk.
[chuckles.]
Whoa.
Uh, it's, uh kiss-your-friends kind of drunk.
[both chuckle.]
What, is that not, um - [both chuckle.]
- Is that not something that we do? Not really.
[chuckles nervously.]
Oh, okay, um, I didn't know there were rules.
But fine, I will just I'll strike it from the repertoire.
[chuckles.]
Yeah, maybe we should just, you know, stick to helping each other throw up tonight.
Yes, that is definitely on the cards.
[chuckles.]
Are you all right? Do you want me to put you in a cab? Well, only if you're if you're going.
No, I kind of, um I thought I might stay around a bit longer.
I kind of made a plan with, um But not if you're not all right.
No, no.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
You go and find some equally sober people to hang out with.
[chuckles.]
All right.
[chuckles.]
- I'll check up on you later.
- Okay.
[sighs.]
You're with a great guy, Wendy.
We didn't deserve him.
I wish we'd made more of him when he was with us.
- Jonno is great.
- Anytime, Luke.
If I ever need help, I'll know who to call.
I'll call Jonno.
- I'm Jonno.
- [chuckles.]
Fuck.
[groans.]
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
[sighs.]
- Oh, hi! - Hey.
- Nightcap? - Absolutely.
Holy shit.
I got a whole case so we can serve it at the wedding.
Uh [clears throat.]
[chuckles.]
[sniffs.]
Whoa.
Cheers.
- What do you get from it? - [chuckles.]
A mouthful of really good whiskey.
No, what does it make you think of when you close your eyes? I don't know.
What do you see? [grunts.]
I don't know.
[sniffs.]
Honey and shortbread.
[chuckles.]