Lunch Monkeys (2009) s02e05 Episode Script

Please don't make that noise! Morning, Darrel.
Has it not got a switch? Can't hear myself think.
Sssh! Sssh! It's the most annoying sound in the world, apparently.
They've done tests.
How funny is that? The most annoying sound in the world is the sound of your own kids! It's funny cos it's true.
Dad? Oh, hello, son! Oh, my God! It's my dad! My Dad! This is my dad! My Dad! I've not seen him for seven years! It's never been that long! What are you doing here? A bit of maintenance work for our Tony.
He uses me when he can't afford anyone else.
Prat.
Uncle Tony? I love Uncle Tony! He bought me my bike.
And my train set! And stuff.
Yeah.
More money than sense, that fella.
Prat! Prat! Darrel? Where have you been? Shelley, guess what, this is my dad! Dad, this is Shelley.
We live together.
How do, love? Would you like to check out my tool box? Already got a spanner, thanks.
How was your karaoke night? It was all right.
A bit quiet.
Did you have a fight? Yep.
Hey! Hey, Shells.
Oh, Mum, Darrel's here with our Shane.
I think he's shat himself.
Oh, you dirty gas! Ha! Oh, I was sick with worry! That wasn't worry, it was the cider! Has he been good? No, he's been a nightmare! As usual! I've got bruises.
Oh! Jammy beggar.
Mother and daughter.
My dream, that.
Dad! What? He's my dad.
He's in reception! He's got tools in a box.
He's called Pat.
Yesterday was amazing.
That post strike was the best ever.
I did absolutely nothing.
You're just sitting there reading.
Darrel! Speed post game! Cool! Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bah! Yes! Wahey! Oh, look at the mess you've made now, lads! You're no fun any more.
Yeah! Could you help me out today? I've got a job interview and really need to study for it.
A job interview?! Ssh! Keep it down, I've not told Kenny.
But I just need you to cover for me.
Be my deputy.
Do I get a pay rise? - You're not officially - Deputy? I should be.
I'm oldest.
It should be me! I've got a hat and badge! A gun, too, but I'm not allowed to bring that in.
No, she asked me! What can I do for you, boss? Not much.
Just organising the team.
Erm, post spreadsheets stationary order drinks machine, filing, copying and shredding.
Erm Is that it? And KPR reports for Mike.
I'll cover the phones.
Don't push yourself, yeah? Can you get that? Ta.
Manoeuvre, signal Sorry! Oi! Kevin! You're supposed to be helping me! I've got my test today! You're just listening to music! I'm not allowed music on my test! Hello? Kevin? What?! What are you listening to? Boobly? You've got Michael Boobly on here? Tanya must have put it on.
What else have you got on here? Celine Dion? Take That?! Boyzone?! Man, this is terrible! They're Tanya's! It's on shuffle! I don't even think we can be friends any more! Look at you! It's like you're 50 or something! My mum's more rock and roll than you.
Do you want to do your Highway Code? Don't try and distract me.
I've seen this before.
Cool guy, meets girl, changes, tucks his shirt in, then it's meals out, TV dinners, then there's kids.
More kids.
Loads more kids.
Then you die.
Piss off! You still live with your mum.
Yeah, but when I pass my test today my Dad's getting me a new set of wheels.
Rite of passage in my family.
Then I'm free.
Out of here! Open road, boom box, girls, little tubs of mints.
Oh, Kenny.
I'm just checking, you did switch the iron off after you did my skirt this morning? Erm yeah.
Nice one.
Extra pudding for you tonight.
Boobly.
My uncle could sort you with some good stationery.
Cheap, too.
Fall of the back of a lorry, did it? No! He nicked it from a wholesaler.
So we've got a deal, then? Why don't you concentrate on getting that extra post out? I'm on it! Tanya's deputy.
Everything is under control, Mikey boy, don't you worry.
My people are working non-stop to get this post on the desk.
Good to hear it.
Woah! Everything all right? Awkward.
Erm, real Dad meet work Dad.
Work Dad, real Dad.
Ah, got you! Always the joker! Ah, wonderful.
Another Wadsworth on the premises? My Dad's changing your light bulb, Mike! And he's going to unblock YOUR toilet! How good is that? That's great, Darrel.
Great.
Yeah! T W A T.
Cheers, man! No worries.
What the hell is Tanya doing? I don't know.
Looks like she's reading! No way! Do you let her read? What do you want me to do? Tie her up? Yeah! You should be doing sexy time.
If I had a woman like that no way would I let her be reading! What's the point of reading anyway? I dunno.
To learn stuff? Absorb knowledge? I bet you read too.
I've been known to.
Oh! You two are so boring! Remember when you used to be fun? I am fun! I do fun stuff! That crossword was not fun.
It was all right! I remember the glory days.
When you were the Ken Dog, and I was your little Asif.
You climbed that tree by the river! I broke my arm! That was so funny! No, it wasn't! And now look at you.
Going for meals out.
Reading big newspapers.
It's over, man.
You're officially boring.
I'm not boring.
Tanya? Am I boring? No! You do exciting things all the time.
You stayed up and watched Match of the Day, didn't you? Yeah.
And what time does that finish? Gone midnight.
And I had a can! Wow, you guys are wild! See? There you go.
Anyway, we can talk about it later.
Over a nice hot chocolate! We can have it in bed! Hang on, guys! Don't get carried away.
Hot chocolate in bed is just dangerous.
You spill it, you burn your leg, change the sheets.
It's not worth the risks.
Fools! Hey, lads! This is my dad.
He's a right laugh! He told me to call him Pat! They call me Pistols Pat.
I do the old pistols.
You know, pa-pa-pa-pa! Nice one! Yeah.
But of a trademark.
Go into the Grapes or the Swan, ask who Pistol is, they'll know.
There you go, son, pull me finger.
I'm all right.
There was a time you would have definitely pulled his finger.
Woah! Hello! How did you do that?! Do it to me! Do it to me! Eh, maybe later, son.
I tell you what, son, I am absolutely Lee.
What? Lee.
Lee Marvin.
Hungry.
I fancy going out for some lunch.
Up for that? Yeah! Me and my dad are going for lunch! Ooh, actually, son, I'm a little bit Nick.
Nick.
Nick Clegg.
Egg.
Egg yolk.
Broke.
Don't suppose you could get this one? Yeah! Fine! My pleasure, Dad! Call it quits on all the money I spent on you when you were a kid! Do you have to pay your dads back?! No, Asif.
On a scale from 1 to 10, how boring is Kenny now? Probably 9.
Shut up.
I'm at least a 5.
No way, man, Darrel's a 5.
You're at least a 9.
Maybe even 11.
All right.
I haven't changed.
I'm still exciting.
And we'll do something funny this afternoon.
Oh! We doing a jigsaw, then, yeah? Cool! How many pieces? Where are you going? Just on me lunch.
In your fancy suit? Yeah! It looks like your going for the interview! Don't be silly! I haven't Tanya! You forgot this! Good luck for your interview! All right, I'm going for an interview.
For a new job, as a supervisor with Fordwells.
Bigger firm, more money.
I just didn't want anyone to know.
Even your boyfriend, it seems.
But I know what you're like! You'll worry if I'm leaving.
I didn't want to upset you.
Upset me? I'd love it.
You wouldn't be my boss any more.
I'll always be your boss, sweetheart.
Oh, what a feast! Love lasagne.
I've had it in Italy.
Just like that.
Know what they call it over there? No.
Lasagn-ay.
Wow! You speak Italian? Si, si.
I It's Italian for, er, "yes, yes".
Si, si.
Sure you don't want a drop? Oh, d'you think I should? Mike says we're not allowed to.
What a knob.
It's only a bit of wine! Yeah Come on! You're with your dad.
We're celebrating.
Go on, then.
Can't hurt, can it? Eurgh! She's a little cracker, that one.
Mind you, your missus in't bad either, eh? You've done well there, son.
Oh, Shelley? No, she's not my girlfriend.
Oh, right.
You're just shagging.
Not really.
Well, not at all, actually.
Well, I wouldn't wait to be asked.
I'd be right in there, all guns blazing.
Pistols - pow, pow, pow! Do you have a girlfriend, Dad? No.
No, not at the minute.
I'm sort of between women.
Not literally, more's the pity! I am looking for somewhere to stay, so if you know of anywhere Come and live with me.
We'll be like father and son.
It'll be magic.
We can go fishing at weekends.
Whoa, steady on.
I don't remember what I've done most weekends.
I'll have to ask Shelley, but Ha-ha! Ask Shelley! That's priceless.
No, she lives there too so I'd have to.
You ARE joking? Who wears the trousers in your house? She does.
Right.
Come on, then.
Puddings.
What we having? OK.
Start your engine, please.
Thank you.
And, in your own time, pull away.
School up ahead - slowing down.
Don't be so boring.
I want to go fast.
But a child might step out - it could be carnage.
Er, they need to look out for fast drivers like me.
Heard of the amber gambler? Well, I'm the green gambler.
It's hardly a gamble if it's on green.
It is when my dad's coming the other way.
He's a red gambler.
Lollipop lady stepping out.
DIE! Whoa! What you doing? You could have killed me there.
Sorry.
I just hate lollipop men.
They're just so cocky.
Yeah, tossers.
Stopping traffic from hitting kids.
Exactly.
Do what I do when I see Darrel - think of lovely little puppies.
What? I can like puppies.
Thanks for your help.
I think I'm ready for this test now.
By five o'clock today, I will be the proud owner of a brand new motor.
Asif, would you mind getting us some Post-its from the store cupboard? Sure thing.
Thanks.
Watch this.
What, Asif going to the store cupboard? Yeah.
God, your life is dull.
I'm actually quite exciting.
Asif! Asif, don't worry about it, man.
I've got some.
It's OK.
No Oh.
Aargh! My head! Oh! Ah, you've broken my head.
Are you all right? Ah! Asif, are you OK? Kenny, why'd you do that? That really hurt.
I've got my test today.
So immature.
I dunno.
I just thought it'd be funny.
Ugh! Come here, you poor little soldier.
I'm OK, honestly.
Oh, no.
Come on.
Come here.
OK.
Maybe for a bit, then.
There now.
He's not sad, he's just Got a long face.
I made it up! So, have you been away or something? Yeah, yeah.
Er, went to Ibiza in March.
I didn't mean that.
Why didn't you ring? Long distance, innit? Costs a fortune.
No, for seven years.
Why didn't you ring? Course I rang! I rang loads of times.
Couldn't get through - must have the wrong number or something.
Used to be YOUR number.
Did you move away? Yes.
Yes, I did.
Er, Newton Street.
OK.
That's not far.
It's a bus ride.
Did you not tell Denise? Who?! Mum.
Darrel! Kenny hit me with a bin.
Now I've got to go to hospital! Ah, you jammy get! I fainted and everything.
This is wicked! Head injury.
Very serious - has to be checked out.
Staff handbook.
Come on.
Give him some space! Mental.
Coming through! It's completely irresponsible.
Asif could have been seriously hurt.
Why on earth do you do such things? Look, I know it was stupid and I'm sorry.
I won't do it to him again.
I won't do it to ANYONE again.
I'm sick and tired of you being in my room for some ridiculous prank.
Do you want to meet somewhere else? What? Do you want Cos you said When are you going to grow up? That's it I AM growing up.
I'm getting TOO sensible.
I'm getting boring.
The evidence would actually tend to suggest otherwise.
Michael I have a girlfriend.
I have meals on a tray in front of Casualty.
I own slippers.
I'm just scared we're getting boring.
Kenny being in a relationship doesn't have to be boring.
You can still do fun things, like, er Well, dances or whist drives.
Trips on a boat.
That's not what I had in mind, cos I don't want to be middle aged.
The key to a relationship is SURPRISE! Do you mean like when I put the bin on top of No, no, not a bin on a door.
Something Well, something nice.
And if you keep on surprising each other, it'll never get boring.
I hope men keep surprising me when I'm middle aged.
Have you been there the whole time? Pretty much, yeah.
Have you thought about bricking that wall up? All the time.
Darrel, not again.
It's all right.
Just watching.
That's how you got your warning.
No! Watching my dad.
It's brilliant - he's fixing the tap.
Look - he gave me the old washer! Dad, see how smooth it is.
Yeah.
Oh, here she is - the little lady of the house.
Oh, am I looking forward to seeing you every night, like one big, happy family, eh? What's for tea tonight, love? Yeah.
There's something I needed to ask you.
Come on! Your family are always staying over - your mum That was for one night.
Your endless brothers They were on the run! But this is my dad - this is MY family - and I can't say no.
That is not family.
Family don't abandon you for seven years, Darrel.
My family might be mental they might be a complete nightmare - but they're there for me when I need them.
That's families, Darrel.
No No problem, is there? No.
No, everything's fine, Dad.
Just ironing out a few of the finer details.
Like the rough stuff, do you? Kinky! This flat's going to be a madhouse.
I'm going to kill you for this.
Hello, Shelley.
Hey, Mike.
Hi, Mike.
Oh, Darrel.
Hello, Fox Cranford.
Tania MacGuire? Yeah, she's just here.
She didn't get it? Aww, what a shame.
All right.
Well, I'll let her know.
Well? Shelley! What? Well?! It was reception - you forgot the post bag.
Guess who's back! It's me.
I've been in "a" ambulance.
It was wicked.
They had gas masks and everything, and big tubes.
But they wouldn't put the lights on.
Did you go to hospital? No.
They said I was OK.
Some minor brain damage, but no injuries from the bin.
I wish I could go in an ambulance.
My dad's been in one - said it smelled of the dead.
Tania I've had an idea.
Brian's band are doing a gig.
Outdoor gig.
Now, we've never done anything like this before - it's spontaneous.
Outdoor gig in a field! A gig in a field? Yeah.
Come on, it's exciting.
What do you reckon? Sounds cold! And what time will it finish? That's not quite the festival spirit I was hoping for.
Can we not just go for a pizza instead? Or the cinema! Mamma Mia's on again - the sing-along version.
You LOVED that last time.
Yeah.
Yeah, all right.
Ooh, Kenny! My back is playing up.
Will you pass me the remote? I'll make you a nice cup of tea! No, Tania.
It's a bit late for me.
It'll have me up all night.
So we're boring, are we? Well, it shows how much you know because tonight Tonight, we're going to a gig.
In a field.
Yeah.
And it doesn't finish while half ten.
Seriously? Man, if I pass this test, get a new motor, me and you are going cruising for chicks.
It'll be wicked! I've got a girlfriend, Asif.
She can come too! Come on, you're going to be late.
OK, I'm going.
But look if something goes wrong, I want you to know that I love you guys, yeah? You're only going to be gone an hour! Yeah, but things can go wrong.
Brakes could fail or bridge collapses.
Meteor! Actually, I'm not sure I want to go now.
I might rearrange it.
Just go.
Good luck.
All right.
In a bit, man.
Oh.
Sorry.
15 pints later I was hammered.
I didn't have a clue what I was doing.
Or who! Wow that sounds like an amazing funeral.
Well, I do weddings and Bar Mitzvahs too.
I've got your tool box, Dad.
There.
Oh and don't worry about Shelley.
It'll be fine you moving in.
What? Oh right yeah cheers, cheers big ears.
Have you been to Thailand? Absolute veritable flange fest.
Thailand! Course I did.
Pat Pong Pat.
That's what they call me.
You go to Bangkok and ask for Pat Pong Pat.
They'll know me.
Wow, you've been to Thailand? Was it a holiday? Er, not so much a holiday.
More a, kind of, bit of the old tourism.
If you know what I mean.
A holiday? Well no.
I didn't get much sleep.
Oh I'm sorry.
That sounds awful.
Did you get to the Full Moon parties? Did I get there? I only bloody run the thing.
Full Moon Party Pat that's what they called me.
Wow.
Who'd have thought your dad would be such a laugh, post boy.
Yeah, like father like son.
Yeah, you'll have to pop over once I'm settled in.
I'll be having a house-warming party.
I mean my parties are legendary.
Piss-up Pat that's what they call me.
Are you still here? Sorry.
Puppies.
Lovely Puppies.
Guess who failed his driving test? Ahhhhh, you? No, some other bloke.
I passed.
Oh Tania, Mike's been asking for his KPI reports.
Wondering why they're not with him at four o'clock.
Like it says in your objectives.
It's quarter past four now.
Would you like me to take them up for you? Er no, no, I'll run them up.
It's all right, don't worry.
I'm not worried.
Bollocks! What's up? Mike's KPI reports! I've not done them.
Shelley! Shelley, I told you this morning.
You're supposed to be my deputy.
Why have you not done my reports? You have done nothing today.
I have.
I have.
I have.
Those phones have not stopped ringing.
Yeah, and I've not stopped answering them.
Here is your bloody reports.
Oh thanks.
Where do you think you're going? Taking my reports to Mike.
No way, they're my reports and you'll get all the credit! Ow! And that's why I have no ambition.
It's going to be mad this.
I've got wellies, a hat, a whistle.
The lot.
Brilliant.
Band starts at 9 but there's a really good support act on so I reckon we should get there early.
Right.
What's up? Nothing.
You just don't sound too excited.
Well forgive me for not jumping up and down about going to see Brian's band In a field.
But I've got more important things on my mind.
Like what? Like the interview.
The one you've not even asked me about.
Oh, God.
I completely forgot.
How did it go? I got the job! I start on Monday KPI reports, Mike.
Whistle, Mike? He used to wake me up every night crying.
His teenage years were a very difficult time.
For me! Only kid I ever knew who chewed shoes.
Liked the taste of the leather or something.
Ruined my best brogues.
Did I? I can't remember that.
And he used to pick the concrete out of the walls and eat it.
Bloody weirdo.
I didn't do that.
I don't think that was me.
Oh, no, no, that was Carl.
You used to lick the batteries didn't you? Yeah, I did.
Who's Carl? Carl, me other son.
With Babs.
We've just split up.
That's how come I'm moving in with you.
Big happy families and all that.
Hey, you're not still wetting the bed are ya? So there's another lad who's not going to get to see his dad then? Who's that? Carl.
He's fine.
I'll call him.
He's only a bus ride away.
I can't believe you ate shoes.
Me too! Piss off, Asif! Poor Darrel.
That Pat is a twat.
Hey, That's what we can call him.
Yeah, and Tania's in trouble with Mike and it's all my fault.
I just want everyone to be happy.
You all right? Mike's asked me to clear my desk.
Aw what! That's not fair.
Why do you get a new desk! Did he sack ya? Nah, making room for these.
He's making you read all of them? Bloody ridiculous.
I know.
That's a horrible punishment.
Mike's putting me on a paralegal training course! He's going to train me up cos he's desperate not to lose me.
That is wicked, Tania! Paralegal sounds great! Sounds really boring.
Waste of money if you ask me.
What d'you wanna be a paralegal for anyway? Know your station.
That's what I say.
No that's brilliant.
Yeah! What? Yeah, brilliant.
You can read them at bedtime together.
Be great! Really exciting! Do I get your job now? Would you jump in my grave as fast, Shelley? No.
No! She's still supervisor.
Unbelievable.
Applies for another job and doesn't get the sack.
Mike's going soft.
I told him, I'd have sacked her, but did he listen? Did he eckers like! Girlfriend's still my boss.
Happy days.
Oh, Shelley, Mike said to tell you, well done on those KPI reports.
Thank you.
So then Ken-dog! Who's ready to rock? Me.
Not me.
I'm celebrating! Watching EastEnders with my mum.
Shepherd's pie on the sofa.
Possibly with a duvet.
Sorted.
That is so boring.
Oh, Kenny, my post sack's full.
Can you get me another one? Sure thing.
Gig in a field.
Gig in a field! Not boring! That was well funny.
Ah nice one, Asif.
Wicked.
Kenny? Kenny? Oh, my God! Ha-ha! Got ya! You thought I were dead! It was a joke.
Don't worry about me.
I wasn't.
No I'm like a Like a cat.
Always land on my feet.
Pat the Cat, that's what they call me.
Yeah, just, dink on the old claws and I We'll er keep in touch though yeah? Yeah.
Yeah well, I've got your number so I'll I won't hold my breath, Dad.
Hey, that's what I said to the girls on the scuba diving trip.
Diving for Yeah, that's great, Dad.
We've got to get back though so Right, well No I've got to get off as well.
Find myself a hostel Bye, Dad.
You'll be OK you know.
Eh, I'm here for you.
You know that.
Thanks, Shell.
Let's go home.
I've planned a menu with a melon ball starter.
Eh? Oh no, no, I can't.
I'm going out with my mum.
What, again? It's Karaoke night.
But I shouldn't be alone.
I'm all upset because of my dad.
I think I need someone with me.
You won't be on your own.
You'll be with our Shane.
Eh? We sort of need you to look after him.
You know, if your stopping in anyway.
Hiya! Hiya, Mum.
It's your Uncle Darrel.
Here he is.
Cheers, Darrel.
You're a sweetheart.
Come on! Yeah! Boys' night in again.
Thanks for taking us to the gig.
No worries.
My new chick mobile will be here any minute.
Oh no.
Please, God, no.
There you go, son, she's all yours.
But no eating the whippies! I think we'll get the bus, mate.
Do you fancy hot chocolate in bed? What? Hot chocolate in bed? Yeah, yeah, this is shit.