Mad (2010) s02e05 Episode Script
The Buzz Identity &Two and a Half Man
We interrupt this program for some breaking news.
After flubbing at the Superbowl and falling at the Grammys, Christina Aguliera prepares for the opening day of baseball.
- O, say, can you - [Booing.]
Take me out to the ballgame Ow! My leg! Aah! [Cheering.]
[Roars.]
- [Eagle screams.]
- Aah! Some months, you just shouldn't get out of bed.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.
[Laughter.]
Mad! I'm afraid you know too much, Buzz.
You'll never get away with this, Lotso.
Pixar movies are sad in the middle, and sometimes in the beginning, but never at the end! [Giggles.]
Wait.
What are you doing? Hmm.
"Resetting your Buzz Lightyear.
" No! [Seagull cries.]
Whoever he is, his batteries are going to rust if he's left in the tub too long.
Not bad for 2 guys with no arms.
- [Grunts.]
- Who am I? - Aah! - I have no memory.
- [Grunts.]
- Who are you? - What's my name? - We don't know.
It wasn't on your underwear.
Oh, no.
You checked my underwear? Can you tell me who I am? All I have on me is this serial number.
[Types.]
It says you're Buzz Lightyear of Star Command.
Lightyear? What is that, Dutch? You're also coming up as Tim Allen, Scott Calvin, and the Shaggy D.
A.
Well, I'm either a secret agent or a mediocre actor with no talent for choosing [Speaks in Spanish.]
[Speaks in Spanish.]
[Gasps.]
I do speak Spanish! Why can I hablo espanol? I can has Spanish! [Chatter over police radio.]
Ai.
Mucho poo-poo.
[Both grunt.]
Spanish and karate? Whoever I am, I am awesome.
[Yodels.]
Come with me! You'll be safe! [Chatter over police radio.]
Nice try, honey.
Almost had me with that yodel, too.
Got me right here.
Wings? I must be able to fly.
To infinity and Something or other.
[Horn honks.]
Good to see you again, Buzz.
How do you know my name? Did you look at my underwear? My name is Ken.
We work for Mr.
Lotso.
And you are a space ranger.
I don't understand any of this.
Relax.
Let me get you some cake from my Malibu Ken "It's ok for boys to bake, too" oven.
Psst! Everything Ken told you is a lie.
- Even the cake? - No, the cake is real and extremely rich.
But you're not a space ranger.
You're a toy Andy's toy and we need to get you out of here.
A toy? This couldn't get any weirder.
Back off.
I'm Jason Bourne, and I can turn this toy into a weapon, if I need to.
Ok.
It just got weirder.
Aww, is that a Buzz Lightyear? I used to sleep with one of those when I was little.
Keep talking.
Take that! I knew I could fly! To infinity What what happened? You took quite a spill, pal.
We were worried about you.
I had the weirdest dream that I was in "The Bourne Identity.
" Lotso, you were there.
And you were there, too, Ken.
And Matt Damon, you were there.
And Julia Stiles, you were there, but then, you weren't really in anything after that, and I don't know why, 'cause you were really great in "10 Things I Hate About You.
" The important thing is, it was all a dream, and you're awake now.
Or are you? Man, am I dizzy.
[Grunts.]
- [Gasps.]
- [Cries.]
Oh, no, no.
So, what do we do the next time we see a delicious piece of cheese resting on a piece of wood? We walk away.
We walk away.
Very good, people.
When it comes to preparing vegetables, does your old kitchen knife lack the chops? Well, help has arrived.
[Gasps.]
Introducing the heli-chopper! Designed with two P-38 turbo jets, this government-issue kitchen aid will chop anything from fruit to vegetables, to Aw, heck, there isn't anything this baby can't chop.
Just listen to these happy customers! Get your stupid helicopter off my lawn! You've broken all the windows in my house! And that's not all! Because the heli-chopper also comes with an additional set of blades perfect for slicing! [Screams.]
- Mincing! - [Moos.]
And dicing! So, order now, and we'll send it all for only one installment of $5.
00! Did you say $5.
00? Yes! Followed by 3 installments of $2 million! Wow.
The heli-chopper, available now! Mad! Now serving number 2.
I said, now serving number 2.
Oh, number 2, that's me.
Dear Grim Reaper, any advice on what to buy my parents for their anniversary? My mom is impossible to shop for, and if my dad wants something, he just buys it for himself.
Quizzically yours, Joey.
Dear Joey, you will die on November 14th, 2071.
What the? [Growls.]
Mad! If you loved "The Fast and the Furious" Hold on.
Then get ready to shift it down a notch.
[Hoots.]
"The Fast and the Curious.
" Go! Starring Vin Diesel And Curious George.
[Hoots and chatters.]
What are you doing? What? No! You want all the best tourist sites along your route? Sure! [Hoots.]
And all the worst tourist sites, too? Aw, come on! We're losing ground! [Laughs.]
'Cause in the world of racing, there's fast, there's faster [Hooting and grunting.]
Ow! What are you doing! And there's curious.
Why do we still make pennies? Well, it's a long story.
Ugh! We're never going to finish this thing.
"The Fast and the Curious," heading your way This here is the world's biggest ball of twine.
[Groans.]
Eventually.
Oh, no.
Not again.
[Bell dings.]
Aw, man.
Why is it always closed? How am I going to get these rags clean? [Growls.]
[Beeping and chirping.]
[Grunting.]
[Chimes.]
Ohh.
[Chirps.]
[Squeaks.]
[Snickers.]
[Horn honks.]
[Snickers.]
Being a werewolf is awesome.
[Screaming.]
- [Snarls.]
- [Screams.]
[Meows and hisses.]
- Blah! - [Howls.]
The only drawback? You have to wait a whole month to enjoy it.
That's why you deserve a trip to Club Moon, the werewolves only resort.
Located on beautiful planet Uranus, home to 27 count 'em! 27 moons.
So now, you can be a werewolf 27 times as much.
And our state-of-the-art shuttle will whisk your furry little butt directly to Club Moon.
Wait a minute.
Werewolves can't survive in space.
[Laughs.]
No kidding.
Club Moon awarded the silver bullet of excellence, and brought to you by H.
O.
W.
L.
Humans Ousting Werewolves League.
- [Wolf whimpers.]
- Mad.
I want Oolf.
I'll take Ed.
[Indistinct shouting.]
We never get to plunder.
[Laughter.]
[Tires screech and glass breaks.]
Charlie, you're just getting in? [Belches.]
[Cheering and applause.]
Man, you live like an animal.
At least I have fun.
You haven't lived since your summer in Narnia.
Yeah, and look what it got me.
[Laughter.]
[Neighs.]
[Crowd gasps.]
Ohh! - [Neighs.]
- [Laughter.]
[Neighs.]
[Cheering and applause.]
For the last time, there's no way you're having a party in this house.
[Snorts and neighs.]
Come on.
Let the kid off the leash or whatever centaurs wear.
[Laughter.]
He's my son, and I say he's too irresponsible to have a party.
That would be more stupid than the time Jonah Hill tried to eat a plane.
[Chewing.]
So that's what that looks like.
Ehh.
How's the kid ever going to grow up to be a stallion if you keep treating him like a pony? Charlie, the kid can't be left alone.
He chews on the furniture, poops on the floor.
Actually, that was me.
And he's spooked by loud noises.
Oh! Speaking of loud noises, have I shown you my official World Cup vuvuzela? [Inhales.]
[Plays.]
[Neighs.]
[Grunts.]
[Playing continues.]
[Grunts.]
Why would you do that? [Flatulence.]
Half man Look on the bright side, Alan.
There are still 48 bones in your body that weren't broken.
Yeah, I suppose it could be worse.
He could have thrown a giant party full of mythical creatures while were at the hospital [Dance music playing.]
[Indistinct talking.]
So I go, yeah, those were bubbles, but this ain't no hot tub.
[Laughter.]
Ow! First he breaks my clavicle, and then, he breaks my heart.
[Neighs.]
And your priceless Narnian cheese platter.
[Neighs.]
Don't give me that you're sorry routine.
Go to your stable, young half-man.
You can come down when you learn how to be responsible.
- [Neighs.]
- Well, that is true.
I've never given you the chance to show how responsible you can be.
- [Neighs.]
- No, Jake, I'm sorry.
I just don't want you to turn into your Uncle Charlie.
Where is he, anyway? My home is a frozen fortress guarded by giant wolves and filled with the petrified statues of my enemies.
You had me at frozen fortress.
Can I show you my vuvuzela? Wait.
Where is that thing? - [Inhales.]
- Oh, nuts.
After flubbing at the Superbowl and falling at the Grammys, Christina Aguliera prepares for the opening day of baseball.
- O, say, can you - [Booing.]
Take me out to the ballgame Ow! My leg! Aah! [Cheering.]
[Roars.]
- [Eagle screams.]
- Aah! Some months, you just shouldn't get out of bed.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.
[Laughter.]
Mad! I'm afraid you know too much, Buzz.
You'll never get away with this, Lotso.
Pixar movies are sad in the middle, and sometimes in the beginning, but never at the end! [Giggles.]
Wait.
What are you doing? Hmm.
"Resetting your Buzz Lightyear.
" No! [Seagull cries.]
Whoever he is, his batteries are going to rust if he's left in the tub too long.
Not bad for 2 guys with no arms.
- [Grunts.]
- Who am I? - Aah! - I have no memory.
- [Grunts.]
- Who are you? - What's my name? - We don't know.
It wasn't on your underwear.
Oh, no.
You checked my underwear? Can you tell me who I am? All I have on me is this serial number.
[Types.]
It says you're Buzz Lightyear of Star Command.
Lightyear? What is that, Dutch? You're also coming up as Tim Allen, Scott Calvin, and the Shaggy D.
A.
Well, I'm either a secret agent or a mediocre actor with no talent for choosing [Speaks in Spanish.]
[Speaks in Spanish.]
[Gasps.]
I do speak Spanish! Why can I hablo espanol? I can has Spanish! [Chatter over police radio.]
Ai.
Mucho poo-poo.
[Both grunt.]
Spanish and karate? Whoever I am, I am awesome.
[Yodels.]
Come with me! You'll be safe! [Chatter over police radio.]
Nice try, honey.
Almost had me with that yodel, too.
Got me right here.
Wings? I must be able to fly.
To infinity and Something or other.
[Horn honks.]
Good to see you again, Buzz.
How do you know my name? Did you look at my underwear? My name is Ken.
We work for Mr.
Lotso.
And you are a space ranger.
I don't understand any of this.
Relax.
Let me get you some cake from my Malibu Ken "It's ok for boys to bake, too" oven.
Psst! Everything Ken told you is a lie.
- Even the cake? - No, the cake is real and extremely rich.
But you're not a space ranger.
You're a toy Andy's toy and we need to get you out of here.
A toy? This couldn't get any weirder.
Back off.
I'm Jason Bourne, and I can turn this toy into a weapon, if I need to.
Ok.
It just got weirder.
Aww, is that a Buzz Lightyear? I used to sleep with one of those when I was little.
Keep talking.
Take that! I knew I could fly! To infinity What what happened? You took quite a spill, pal.
We were worried about you.
I had the weirdest dream that I was in "The Bourne Identity.
" Lotso, you were there.
And you were there, too, Ken.
And Matt Damon, you were there.
And Julia Stiles, you were there, but then, you weren't really in anything after that, and I don't know why, 'cause you were really great in "10 Things I Hate About You.
" The important thing is, it was all a dream, and you're awake now.
Or are you? Man, am I dizzy.
[Grunts.]
- [Gasps.]
- [Cries.]
Oh, no, no.
So, what do we do the next time we see a delicious piece of cheese resting on a piece of wood? We walk away.
We walk away.
Very good, people.
When it comes to preparing vegetables, does your old kitchen knife lack the chops? Well, help has arrived.
[Gasps.]
Introducing the heli-chopper! Designed with two P-38 turbo jets, this government-issue kitchen aid will chop anything from fruit to vegetables, to Aw, heck, there isn't anything this baby can't chop.
Just listen to these happy customers! Get your stupid helicopter off my lawn! You've broken all the windows in my house! And that's not all! Because the heli-chopper also comes with an additional set of blades perfect for slicing! [Screams.]
- Mincing! - [Moos.]
And dicing! So, order now, and we'll send it all for only one installment of $5.
00! Did you say $5.
00? Yes! Followed by 3 installments of $2 million! Wow.
The heli-chopper, available now! Mad! Now serving number 2.
I said, now serving number 2.
Oh, number 2, that's me.
Dear Grim Reaper, any advice on what to buy my parents for their anniversary? My mom is impossible to shop for, and if my dad wants something, he just buys it for himself.
Quizzically yours, Joey.
Dear Joey, you will die on November 14th, 2071.
What the? [Growls.]
Mad! If you loved "The Fast and the Furious" Hold on.
Then get ready to shift it down a notch.
[Hoots.]
"The Fast and the Curious.
" Go! Starring Vin Diesel And Curious George.
[Hoots and chatters.]
What are you doing? What? No! You want all the best tourist sites along your route? Sure! [Hoots.]
And all the worst tourist sites, too? Aw, come on! We're losing ground! [Laughs.]
'Cause in the world of racing, there's fast, there's faster [Hooting and grunting.]
Ow! What are you doing! And there's curious.
Why do we still make pennies? Well, it's a long story.
Ugh! We're never going to finish this thing.
"The Fast and the Curious," heading your way This here is the world's biggest ball of twine.
[Groans.]
Eventually.
Oh, no.
Not again.
[Bell dings.]
Aw, man.
Why is it always closed? How am I going to get these rags clean? [Growls.]
[Beeping and chirping.]
[Grunting.]
[Chimes.]
Ohh.
[Chirps.]
[Squeaks.]
[Snickers.]
[Horn honks.]
[Snickers.]
Being a werewolf is awesome.
[Screaming.]
- [Snarls.]
- [Screams.]
[Meows and hisses.]
- Blah! - [Howls.]
The only drawback? You have to wait a whole month to enjoy it.
That's why you deserve a trip to Club Moon, the werewolves only resort.
Located on beautiful planet Uranus, home to 27 count 'em! 27 moons.
So now, you can be a werewolf 27 times as much.
And our state-of-the-art shuttle will whisk your furry little butt directly to Club Moon.
Wait a minute.
Werewolves can't survive in space.
[Laughs.]
No kidding.
Club Moon awarded the silver bullet of excellence, and brought to you by H.
O.
W.
L.
Humans Ousting Werewolves League.
- [Wolf whimpers.]
- Mad.
I want Oolf.
I'll take Ed.
[Indistinct shouting.]
We never get to plunder.
[Laughter.]
[Tires screech and glass breaks.]
Charlie, you're just getting in? [Belches.]
[Cheering and applause.]
Man, you live like an animal.
At least I have fun.
You haven't lived since your summer in Narnia.
Yeah, and look what it got me.
[Laughter.]
[Neighs.]
[Crowd gasps.]
Ohh! - [Neighs.]
- [Laughter.]
[Neighs.]
[Cheering and applause.]
For the last time, there's no way you're having a party in this house.
[Snorts and neighs.]
Come on.
Let the kid off the leash or whatever centaurs wear.
[Laughter.]
He's my son, and I say he's too irresponsible to have a party.
That would be more stupid than the time Jonah Hill tried to eat a plane.
[Chewing.]
So that's what that looks like.
Ehh.
How's the kid ever going to grow up to be a stallion if you keep treating him like a pony? Charlie, the kid can't be left alone.
He chews on the furniture, poops on the floor.
Actually, that was me.
And he's spooked by loud noises.
Oh! Speaking of loud noises, have I shown you my official World Cup vuvuzela? [Inhales.]
[Plays.]
[Neighs.]
[Grunts.]
[Playing continues.]
[Grunts.]
Why would you do that? [Flatulence.]
Half man Look on the bright side, Alan.
There are still 48 bones in your body that weren't broken.
Yeah, I suppose it could be worse.
He could have thrown a giant party full of mythical creatures while were at the hospital [Dance music playing.]
[Indistinct talking.]
So I go, yeah, those were bubbles, but this ain't no hot tub.
[Laughter.]
Ow! First he breaks my clavicle, and then, he breaks my heart.
[Neighs.]
And your priceless Narnian cheese platter.
[Neighs.]
Don't give me that you're sorry routine.
Go to your stable, young half-man.
You can come down when you learn how to be responsible.
- [Neighs.]
- Well, that is true.
I've never given you the chance to show how responsible you can be.
- [Neighs.]
- No, Jake, I'm sorry.
I just don't want you to turn into your Uncle Charlie.
Where is he, anyway? My home is a frozen fortress guarded by giant wolves and filled with the petrified statues of my enemies.
You had me at frozen fortress.
Can I show you my vuvuzela? Wait.
Where is that thing? - [Inhales.]
- Oh, nuts.