Mad About You s02e05 Episode Script

- Look.
No one will ever hire me.
- What are you doing there? - My résumé.
- I thought you were taking time off.
- I am.
- You were killing yourself there.
You're loyal to a company for 8 years, and all you get is a one-line résumé.
- So lie.
- I'm not gonna lie.
I'll embellish.
"Supervisor of housing for the Winnewog Corporation"? Camp Winnewog.
I was a counselor.
There you go.
You know what I'm gonna do today? Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
Good for you.
I'm gonna read.
How often do you get the chance to read Jane Austen? - Very rarely.
In fact, never.
- I'll read everything she's written.
Should I go alphabetically or by thickness? Huh? The second thing you said.
- You're not listening.
- Because I can't find the tape! All right.
All right.
I will help you.
- I promised Lou I'd show it to him.
- Lou, the doorman? No, Lou.
Lou the producer.
Lou the doorman, I already showed it to.
- Did he like it? - He had some notes.
This is good.
So the one tape I need, I can't find.
So it's 8:45 and my day already sucks.
- My God.
- What? - Did I look like that when I worked? - Like what? All tense and scrunched up with that shoulder thing.
- I don't have a shoulder thing.
- Yes, you do.
- Please don't do that.
- Don't go to work.
Stay home.
- You know I can't do that.
- Come on.
- We'll lie around all day and eat.
- We did that yesterday.
- You know, sweetie? - Come here.
All that happens here is you are gonna make me late.
- Good.
- Look at that.
You are a silly, bad tape.
You should be in that bag.
You, Ms.
Stemple have a great day doing whatever it is you are not gonna do today.
I'll make cinnamon toast.
Bye.
Bye.
- Bye.
- All right.
Next on Geraldo: Gay pets.
This amazing attachment fits onto any vacuum.
Notice how the nozzle sucks the hair as the trimmer blades spin and cut.
And right there I cut to the cab coming out of Central Park.
- So then we can lose the dog thing? - Yeah, lose the dog thing.
What's the dog thing? Nothing.
It's a shot of a dog at night, walking through a puddle.
You don't need it.
Then you go to the wide shot.
We should keep the dog thing in.
People like dogs.
Maybe we should have lots of shots of dogs.
And cats.
They're adorable.
Hey, Paul, I can see you.
Lou? - Too close again? - Too close, yeah.
You know what, we're gonna finish this sequence.
If you don't mind I don't mind.
I'll stay as long as you need me.
You know, you could go now.
Come on, this is the stuff I like.
I'm not just a suit.
I directed Damn Yankees in Montclair.
- Coffee? - Please.
You know, I saw that production of Damn Yankees.
And? No.
We need something to replace the dog? I think we need something to replace Lou.
Something.
Editing.
Hi, sweetie.
Huh? Do I think our dog is effeminate? What kind of question is that? Well, don't listen to Geraldo.
- You know what? - Paul.
- My sister has a cat.
A kitten.
- Okay.
- I could call her.
- Hang on a second.
Sweetie, listen, I'm really kind of stuck in the middle of Huh? Okay, go ahead.
Okay.
Who's there? Bert and Ernie who? All right.
That's funny.
Okay.
That's good.
I gotta go.
Bye.
Sorry.
Family emergency there.
Little thing.
Paul, I'm not sure if the film sings to me.
You know why it doesn't sing, Lou? Not a musical.
- I love musicals.
- I understand, but - You know what? - Warren, no! Editing.
Hi, sweetie.
What? I'm kind of right in the middle of No, how would I know what you found behind the refrigerator? I don't wanna take a guess.
A human head? Raisins? Okay, good.
- What's this button do? - Nothing I got to go.
unless you touch it.
- I really got to go.
Hey.
Maybe we should switch it with the love seat.
- It won't be too busy? - No, no, no.
It'll be fab.
- Get up.
- No.
- You're just gonna sit there? - I'm setting an example.
Hey, somebody polished the doorknob.
Hi.
Same to you, lady.
- I started my Italian class today.
- Your what? And you know what else? What is? I made it up right there.
Careful, careful, careful.
What's going on here? What do you mean? Why is there a couch here and there's people there? This is a better room configuration for having company over.
- Ira, make Paul a drink? - I'd be delighted.
You know what, I don't think This is a little confusing.
The floor plan, a little confusing.
- Didn't confuse Murray.
- He's a dog.
He has four-wheel drive.
Honey, why don't you mingle while I check on dinner? Mingle.
That's what I'll do.
I'll mingle in my home with Ira and Lisa.
Hey, what are we eating? Lasagna.
There was a recipe on the back of the Rice Krispies box.
- Are there Rice Krispies in the lasagna? - Two cups.
Of course, it'll be nice and crunchy then which is, as you know, the way real Italians prefer it.
How do you like your martini, shaken or stirred? How about shaken, stirred and you drink it.
- What's going on here? - I wouldn't call that mingling.
I thought you were doing nothing today.
I did.
I lounged around, made dinner and learned Italian.
Where is the train to Rome? Please give my wife some lithium.
Honey, is it getting hot in here? Are you up? - What? - You wanna go for a walk? Boy, did you read my mind.
I was just thinking, either go for a walk or not wake up for another six hours.
What am I gonna do with all these clothes? - It's 3 a.
m.
- I don't need these clothes.
Well, I'll be honest with you, babe.
Neither do I.
See these heels? This is the reason women are angry.
It's not men.
It's not PMS.
It's high heels.
Here, try them on.
Not with these pajamas.
I'm wearing the wrong pajamas.
It's a fitting.
We're not going out.
You may not have realized this because I was so quiet but I was sleeping.
I'm sorry.
You're right.
You're right.
You're right.
Maybe I should sell these clothes.
- What? - Maybe I should sell these clothes.
- Sell them for what? - For money.
Listen, I told you.
We're gonna be fine.
You're working.
I wanna do my part.
You remember the whole thing: "For better or worse, richer or poorer"? - What is that from? - From Brigadoon.
Do you want me to go back to work? No.
I want you to go back to sleep.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
About which? What? You don't want me to go back to work or you want me to go to sleep? - Both.
- Okay.
First thing tomorrow, we'll start economizing.
- Tomorrow? - Yep.
That means you bought something? Yeah, but it's no big deal.
In fact I can save us $30 right now.
How? Wouldn't it be nice to avoid expensive haircuts and style your hair in the privacy of your own home? Oh, boy.
I don't like the sound of this at all.
- Tell me you didn't buy a Vacu-trim.
- I didn't buy a Vacu-trim.
What the hell is that? The Vacu-trim II.
You know what, honey? Can I just say something? You know what, they say it's the Ginsu knife of hairstyling.
Okay, good.
But see I really don't need to get a haircut.
I know.
But I really need to give you one.
Paul, your hat's casting a shadow on the screen.
Could you? I'm chilly.
- How bad could it be? - Trust me.
What I love about New York at night is the smell.
It smells like hope.
Philly smells like hope, but it also smells like nutmeg and that ain't right.
I like it a lot but is it enough? - What is this? Thumpy? - I just want a feeling in my chest.
- How about a quick upward jab? Lou, you know what, I got just the piece of film you need.
I got - Hi.
- Hey, you.
What are you doing here? I was in the neighborhood.
If it's a bad time - No, it's okay.
Guys, just a minute.
- Paul Thumpy.
I got it.
What's up? Just wanted to talk to you about something.
You wanna go have lunch? - I already ate.
- Oh, really? Yeah.
Why would I lie to you? What'd you have? A burger.
Cheeseburger? Yeah.
Cheeseburger.
What, American? American.
Yeah.
That was my cheese of choice.
American cheese.
Is there something you wanna talk about? - I'm worried about you.
- You are? I am.
Yes.
I know when something's wrong.
You're not sleeping, you're edgy.
You're completely stressed out.
- These things you're saying are true.
- I'm not gonna let you do this.
I'm not really doing it to myself.
I'm getting some help.
- I know.
- Do you? - Of course.
- Well - So say something to him.
- To him.
Who's "him"? Paul! Him? Him is fine.
Honey, him is not my problem.
I've got a guy on the phone who can rent us cats.
Just give me a minute.
He's got to have an answer now.
No.
The answer's no, okay? We haven't decided yet.
Paul, I think we're missing a good bet here.
About what? - It's a thing - Jamie.
Would you mind looking at some film? - Really? - You're intelligent.
I'd like another perspective on the cats.
- She's got a lot of things to do.
- No, I don't.
Come see the film.
Who knows, she may have an idea or two.
- You know, I used to be in PR.
- Really? I directed Damn Yankees.
In Montclair.
Warren, when's the last time you had a haircut? Then she comes to my office.
She cuts eight minutes out of my film.
Is it better? That's not the point.
- Let me look under your hat.
- No way.
No! - Come on! - Let me look.
- Forget it.
- All right.
- This place is like a meat market.
- Sit down, you.
- What do I do with your sister? - Yeah, it's ironic, isn't it? Who would've thought I'd turn out to be the normal one? I wouldn't go that far yet.
She's just going through a transition.
In a month or so she'll level off.
I'm at the point, when I leave in the morning, I wanna go: "Honey, I may have to work late.
" Well, do you? - What? - Have to work late? You just don't pay attention.
That's what it is.
You don't listen.
You gotta look at the good side, all right? Every day with Jamie, it's an adventure.
How can you wear that hat and say that? - What do you want me to do? - Spend time with her.
Help me! How about if I go to her house and let her make me a big lunch? See, that would be good.
See, now he's helping me.
I can visit her in the early part of the day when I wake up.
- Noon? - Yeah.
That's no good.
He'll be there.
- How come he gets lunch? - He thought of it first.
- This is turning into a real boys' club.
- Here you go.
I got this.
Hey, please, put your money away.
No, I'm serious.
How is this $ 103? She bought drinks for the boys at the bar.
What boys at the bar? Don't look.
I'm blushing.
- You like it? - Yes.
- Really? - I swear.
Because I wasn't sure you'd want all your shoes to point north.
Who wouldn't? - You seen my bag? - It's on the coffee table.
You seen the coffee table? Hey.
I heard you guys had a really great time last night.
Yeah, we went to dinner and the movies and took three rides on the Staten Island ferry.
- And that didn't tire her out? - No, no, not quite.
- Yeah, so? - So? I look like a bobcat! I won't be able to leave my house for a month.
Yeah, but you like that.
Look, I have been trying to take care of her all my life.
Actually, the other way around.
Whatever! She's your responsibility.
Paul, wait till you see what I'm doing with your underwear drawer.
She's all yours, pal.
- Do me a favor? - No.
No.
- Honey? - Hi.
- Where are you going? - I was just gonna go One of the You want one? - Honey, I'll get it for you.
- Okay.
You know what? Actually, just come here a second.
I just want to talk to you.
I know.
The pâté was chalky and you didn't wanna say anything so I didn't.
It's like saying, "Don't think of elephants" and the minute you say that, they come waltzing in the door.
You know, I mean metaphorically.
Yes.
I didn't want to say anything, but that's exactly Yes.
- You're so sweet.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- What time you coming home? - Honey, I may have to work late.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Coffee table.
Yeah, I gotta work late because Lou's gonna be there and he starts playing with the film So I'll be with Lou.
You know, just me and Lou.
But it's Mexican night.
I was gonna make gazpacho.
You know, that's always All right, you know what? Make it.
Make the gazpacho, and we'll have it for breakfast.
- I'll call you later.
- I know.
Hey, hey, stand still.
Do you want a sweater or not? Ingrate.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Jamie.
Loved your notes.
Forgive me for popping in but I have to speak to your husband.
Paul! I just had a whale of a brainstorm.
Paul! I was gonna visit a lady friend Nice girl, you'd like her.
Anyway.
Suddenly it dawns on me why not do an interview with the Statue of Liberty? Animated, of course.
Paul? He told me he was working late.
With you.
No.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
Well, Lou, good luck with your lady friend.
I actually have to go too.
What does it mean when a woman says she just wants to be friends? - No sex.
- Thought so.
Steady.
Steady, Moe.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What's going on? Larry and Moe are stuck inside a cow and Curly is attempting to milk it.
Lou went to get coffee, so I took a break.
Lou stopped by the apartment - Are you kidding me? - I'm not kidding you.
Man, I can't take this guy anymore.
It's wild.
He's like this gnat.
He's just in my face all the time.
He hovers all day here, now there.
I swat him away, so he goes there.
I can't live with him.
You don't live with him, you live with me.
That's not what I meant.
- It is what you meant.
Just say it.
- Say what? - That I'm driving you nuts.
- Why would I? Because it's true.
Can you say the words, "I'm driving you nuts"? You know what, yes, you are.
You're driving me nuts! - Okay then.
- No, it's not okay because you don't realize what a nut You've become nuts.
You're nutty.
Everything It's nutty.
You've become quite the nut, and I'll be honest.
Yes.
You're driving me crazy.
- Why didn't you just say something? - Because it's all right.
No! If it's all right, why are you here in the middle of the night with The Three Stooges? I mean, they're not even funny.
I don't wanna have that discussion again.
Maybe you don't like me anymore.
I like you.
I've been liking you for years.
I went out with you because I liked you.
And we went out again and again because I liked you.
I married you because I liked you.
When are you people convinced?! I had a job then.
I'm a different person now.
Who? - Me without a job.
- You're you without a job.
I don't care.
- That's enough for you? - Are you kidding? Yes, that's plenty.
So you still like me? Would I let a complete stranger just vacu-suck my head? If Larry did this to Moe, you'd be laughing like an idiot.
First of all, just so you should know, Moe would do it to Larry.
And if Moe did it to Larry, he'd give him one of these.
- I don't like this at all.
- Just do it.
Poking people in the eye is dangerous.
For us, yeah.
But they know what they're doing.
- He's totally protected.
- I hate this.
Moe can't get in there.
Totally guarded.
But this, still open.
- That's good.
I like how you do that.
- What? The smiling thing.
It's good when you do that.
You stupid idiot.
Come here.
I want you to give this a chance, all right? Because you really Just Oh, come on.
I don't see it.