Marley's Ghosts (2011) s02e05 Episode Script
Carly
'Cause you can't blow out the candles, so, er.
Or eat so Don't.
- What? Nothing.
Ah! - What? - Nothing.
Ah! - You really don't want me to eat this cake, do you? Of course I do.
- SHE LAUGHS - Enjoy.
That nice, is it? - Mmm.
- You enjoying it? Yeah, it's good cake.
- Yeah? Not the cake, the sense of fun you obviously get from deliberately tormenting me! Vicar, I don't think - No! You don't think.
You don't think about me at all, do you, any of you? It's my birthday and I can't blow out my candles, I can't eat my cake I can't even open my presents.
Not that you've even got me any! Well, you can have the wish.
Bloody right I'm making a wish.
Well go on then, make the wish.
Already done it, and it doesn't end well for you.
Well go on, be my guest.
Have some more.
Stuff your face, I hope it bloody chokes you! I'm so sorry.
I've never been very good with birthdays.
Ever since my tenth one where I punched my brother in the face for for stealing the last piece of cake.
It's not what it sounds like.
I was saving it and then I got sent to my room and had to sit there all on my own just listening to them all downstairs laughing and playing games and singing and eating the cake.
What did you do? - Just cried for a bit and then I spent the afternoon talking to Lucy.
Who? My imaginary friend.
I didn't have any real friends, so I made one up and when no one else wanted to talk to me, she just - Always did.
Yeah.
Whenever I had a problem, no matter what it was, she was always Always there for me.
Yeah.
I don't talk to her anymore, obviously.
I'm an adult, I don't need to talk to imaginary people.
Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go and talk to Jesus.
That's me.
- Would you like a cake, Carly? With Carly.
- OK.
I can only see you.
I can't believe I forgot about Carly.
Who's Carly? I don't see a Carly.
The vicar had an imaginary friend and so did I, Carly.
I was always talking to her.
Everyone thought I was mad.
The doctors thought I was going crazy.
My sister Abby said they were gonna send me away for a year, put me in therapy.
Bit harsh.
- Good old Abby.
Carly was my only friend.
Little Carly.
Well, funnily enough, not so little.
As I remember, she was about forty.
Well, why would a little girl imagine a forty-year-old friend? Yeah, well, good question, and I've only recently just worked out the answer.
You see, back then I didn't know I could see ghosts.
So, she wasn't imaginary? Maybe nots.
Maybe she's still there.
I spent a lot of happy times here with Carly.
It was fun having an imaginary friend.
Maybe she was real, maybe she wasn't, I dunno.
Well, let's go find out.
Come on, Tyrone.
Who? Smaller than I remember.
I thought this imaginary friend thing sounds like fun, so meet Tyrone.
Unlike some, he's nice to me.
Thinks I'm great.
What does he look like? Um, well, he's - he's, um - he's, he's, um, you know.
No, I don't know Michael, you tell me, what does he look like.
Hello, Lord.
Should probably start with an apology.
I should've popped in a bit more often, but it's, er it's been a big adjustment being dead.
You see Michael, the thing about having an imaginary friend is that you've actually got to have an imagination.
Come on, Tyrone.
What, no, he's my imaginary friend.
Who likes me better.
Tyrone, let's go.
What? No.
He's - Adam? Adam? Haven't known if I'm coming or going, to be honest.
Still, it's very nice to be here.
I mean, I was wondering why I'm not up there with you.
Bloody hell Justine, you're always putting me down.
Oh, I can hear someone in there.
Oh, what do I say? You're just gonna knock? Yeah.
You could've put a suit on, smarten yourself up a bit.
I look fine.
- You're a stranger knocking on the door.
You wanna get inside, you should be presentable.
Just tell 'em the truth.
You used to live here and can you have a look around.
Yeah, that sounds reasonable.
It was a long time ago, you were small.
Hi, yeah, many years ago I was small.
I think most of us were love.
Some of us still are.
Sorry, I'm not explaining myself very - When I was younger - Who is it? The woman here says she used to be small.
- Most people were.
I told her that.
Er, come in.
I won't be a moment, I've got to put his dinner on.
OK.
Right.
Just wait in there.
- Oh, thank you very much.
Well, that was easy.
Okay, so have a look around.
Carly, small, blonde, about forty.
Okay, come on, Tyrone.
- Oh shut up.
Perhaps I'm just a bad seed.
I don't know.
Maybe my parents were too soft on me for too long or maybe I needed more of a firm hand.
Your dad could be firm, couldn't he? He was probably a bit too strict actually, wasn't he? With all that wrath and thunder and parting of the seas, drowning everyone.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, he's not really the sort of person you'd answer back to and you wouldn't pinch his ciggies.
Not that I've ever pinched any ciggies.
Sorry about that.
What can I do for you? Is she still small? Not really.
Now she's, sort of, er, normal height.
Probably trying to sell us something.
No, actually I'm here because when I was younger Oldest trick in the book.
She says she's small she drinks a magic tonic, growth hormone or something.
We don't want any.
Are you sure? It's a con.
Maybe worth a try.
You're not exactly David Hasselhoff.
- Look, really, I'm not trying to sell anything.
- It's the patter.
You make her a cup of tea 'cause you like her then she says she's trying to sell you something.
In this case it'll be some sort of magic tonic that makes you taller.
Oh, I'm sorry love, I'm quite happy with my height actually.
Really? You'd look better with a few more inches and maybe some hair.
Have you got anything for hair? Look, um, I'd like to start again.
Yes, so would I.
Are you calling me a short, bald man? Well, you're not a tall, hairy one, are you? Fine.
Um, the reason I was here is - Excuse me, I better just I won't be a mo.
Anything? - Nothing.
Michael? - Nothing.
Pretty, blonde, kind of small? Whatever her height, if she can walk through walls and dissolve into thin air I think I would've noticed her.
Right.
Maybe she was imaginary.
Yeah, I suppose.
Blonde, pretty, quite small? Yeah.
- She's on the bench next to Poseidon.
Carly! Hang on a minute, love.
I can't persuade him.
He thinks you're a con artist.
No, no, no, I - I wasn't - I'm sorry.
I know it's difficult.
I used to be in sales.
No, really, I wasn't - Word to the wise maybe you should smarten yourself up.
Told you.
Never hurts to present yourself properly.
Yeah, but I'm not trying to sell anything.
- What? Well, I, I'm not trying to sell anything.
And you won't, looking like that.
What, you can see me? Yes, always could.
It's me, Marley.
Marley.
Maybe next time.
Oh yes, maybe next time.
Yeah, I, I'll try you again.
Um, thanks.
I'll see myself out.
I'm gonna go home, do you wanna come too? Yeah.
Come on.
Don't look at me like that.
I didn't mean to be a bad person.
Jesus? Can I have some forgiveness? No, okay.
I'm gonna go and speak to Marley.
They seem happy.
- For the moment.
I think Marley wants her to live here.
Things could get awkward.
Why would they get awkward? Don't be silly.
On the way back, did you see Carly smile at me? She smiled at everyone.
She's a smiley person.
Yeah, but I have an effect.
You know what I'm talking about.
The Michael effect.
What does the Michael effect have an effect on? What? Women.
Probably end up fighting over me.
Could get nasty.
Doesn't look nasty.
Carly's yet to feel the effect.
What effect? - It's called the Mich haven't we just done this? Who's that? Marley's imaginary friend.
I don't think so.
She's there.
You can see her, look, she's sitting there.
Marley didn't know she wasn't imaginary.
At the time, Marley didn't know she could see ghosts.
Oh, I understand.
Really? - No.
But bad people lie, don't they? It's official, I've been to church.
I am no good.
I'm a bad seed.
He was just there, just staring at me.
I need to speak to Marley.
I've heard all about it.
She's had a wonderful life.
Important job, husband, lover.
So, which one's the husband? Well, that, that would be me.
And which one's the lover? Well? That has to be me.
I'm the only one left.
She can't be the lover.
- Because she's a vicar? Because she's a woman.
Oh, so you're narrow-minded.
No, I'm, I'm not narrow-minded, I'm the lover.
Really? When exactly does the Michael effect kick in? Marley, can I talk to you? Yeah, not now Vicar.
- It's important.
Yeah, so's this.
I'm gonna show Carly some of the tapes.
I wanna see everything.
Our wedding video, show her our wedding video.
No, Marley, really, I do need to talk to you, 'cause I've been to church Yeah, later, Vicar, OK? Come on.
So, I've got me at school, girl guides.
Oh, show her the wedding.
Er, university graduation.
Show her the wedding, Marley.
The wedding.
Oh, I've gotta see that.
My little Marley got married.
Oh, I bet you were a beautiful bride.
She was.
Come on, let's see the wedding.
Marley, the wedding.
Er, well, um, well - What? Er - Marley, what? Oh.
- Marley, what? Well, I may have taped over it.
You did what? You erased our marriage? Well, no, I, I just put a tape in the camera I didn't know what was on it.
Our wedding was on it, you went over our wedding.
With what? - What? What did you tape over our wedding with, Marley? Um, oh, er, with Michael.
Yeah, Spain.
I thought you went to Spain with Abby.
Err - Great trip.
Sun, speedos and the woman I love rubbing oil into my back.
Sorry, you went over Adam with Michael? You got rid of your wedding for Michael? Yes, not, not on purpose.
You went over our sacred vows with oiled-up Michael in speedos.
That's it! I'm sorry, Carly, I'm just It's okay, I understand.
People have problems.
Come on, Tyrone.
Who's Tyrone? He's my imaginary friend.
Who, unlike some, likes me better.
He doesn't like you better.
Tyrone.
- Coming.
That, that wasn't Tyrone, that was Adam, he - that was not - that - Adam.
Just seeing the cake made me angry, you know, like when I was a little girl.
I have tried to be a good person.
Maybe I was just born bad 'cause when I died I didn't go to heaven, did I? And they don't let bad people into heaven.
Vicar, I'm good, they didn't let me in.
You're not good.
You were having an affair with my wife.
That's not good.
It was pretty good.
I used to make Marley very happy.
Whenever we were together she had an enormous smile on her face.
That's because of her enormous mouth.
Hardly noticeable.
Perfectly proportioned to your head.
Right, so that implies I've also got a big head.
Think you're being clever, don't you? Well, a little bit.
See how I went from you being with Michael to you being a big-headed big mouth? How long have you two been arguing? It's difficult for me to say.
Understandable considering the size of your mouth.
That's not funny.
It was quite funny.
- Oh, don't encourage him, Carly.
He's difficult enough to live with.
I'm not difficult to live with, I'm a joy.
You're a pain.
You erased our wedding.
Oh, Adam, do you know what, if you're gonna be difficult then you can go on the sofa.
Fine.
Tyrone.
Who's Tyrone? The only friend I've got left.
Well, we were having such fun when we got married, you know, we were so happy.
Oh, she was a very happy little girl.
We had, we had so many adventures together.
- Huh.
Until the family moved away.
- Oh.
She was just so full of life.
Hadn't realised how much I'd missed her.
It's silly, really.
We were gonna travel, have adventures.
You know, well, that was the plan.
What happened? - I don't know, we just settled down, went to work and everything went And Michael, man, I didn't see that coming.
Oh, I was drinking too much, I didn't see a lot of things coming.
Cars, people, hedges.
Yeah, but Michael.
- I know.
I mean, if you're gonna have an affair.
Michael? Michael.
Blergh! You want some fun, excitement, tenderness, you go for somebody like - Somebody like you.
I was the husband.
Any other woman would've gone for somebody like you.
Really? - Yeah.
- Aw.
Thank you.
I hadn't had a walk in the park for so long.
Oh, I'm sorry I couldn't join you.
I hope he looked after you.
Anyway, I'm just happy you had such a lovely time.
Oh, I had a wonderful time.
Thank you, Marley.
It's a shame you two can't get on.
Yeah, I know.
Can't stop arguing.
Marley, remember all those years ago, we'd be in the garden and you'd be playing with your dolls and sometimes you wouldn't let me talk to them? - I could be a right madam.
Yeah, yeah, you were.
You didn't like to share.
Do you still feel like that? Like what? I had a really good time today with Adam, I really like him.
Well, I'm glad someone does.
But I realise he's your husband.
Oh, what, like him like him? - Yeah.
Clever.
Yeah, but I see what you're doing.
- No you don't.
Yes I do.
Oh Carly, you always looked after me.
You're saying you want Adam so that I'll want him again.
No, I'm not.
- Yes you are.
No, I'm really not, I really like him.
No, it's clever but sorry Carly, it's not gonna work.
What do you think I am, an idiot? Well, it's starting to look like that.
Carly, I'm back.
Carly? What about, 'Vicar, Vicar, I'm back? What? No? Last few days have been difficult for me.
You know, I've been upset about me being basically a really bad person and I've wanted to talk to you about it, but I can't, 'cause you're always with what's her name.
You know her name.
- Yeah, well you're always talking to her.
We used to be best friends.
And if you're not talking to her, she's talking to Adam.
She doesn't even know I exist.
Well, you don't exist, you're dead.
- So's Adam.
It's not my fault she doesn't like you.
- I don't care.
What? Really? She doesn't like me? Why wouldn't she like me? What did she say? Oh, maybe I heard her wrong.
- What did she say? She said she didn't like you.
She said you shouldn't have stolen me from Adam and she likes Adam.
How can she like Adam? What's not to like about him? Do you want a list? She told me.
She said she likes Adam.
She actually said she really, really likes Adam, but she was just being clever.
Or maybe she wasn't being clever, maybe she was being honest.
If she was clever, she'd really, really like me.
- Why would anyone like Adam? - Well, you should know.
You married him.
Where are they now? - I'm really looking forward to it.
- I've never been to a concert.
I know, I can't believe it.
And, we don't even have to pay to get in, you see.
So, it's not all bad being dead.
Adam! Hey.
- Carly! I thought I might find you here.
It's nice to see you two getting on.
Yeah.
Oh, you'll never guess what Carls said earlier.
Oh, err, no, it's, it's, er, Carly.
Oh no, he calls me Carls.
It's sweet.
- Yeah, it's so great.
Oh, no, no, no, that, that, that's not nice.
No, it's great.
Yeah, anyway, so when do you think you're gonna come home? Oh, well, er, listen, don't wait up, because we're gonna go and see Bruce Springsteen later and we're seriously thinking of going to the after-show party.
Oh right.
So, we went to the seaside and we went out on this boat and and Adam he, he started singing.
And then Carls started singing, but, like, a different song and it was like: Argh! You had to be there.
- I wasn't invited.
- What? Oh, um, tell 'em about the, you know.
- Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so, um, so we went to a restaurant.
You can't eat.
Yeah, I know, but it had a lovely sea view and the sun was setting and the lights were soft.
- Sounds lovely.
- Oh, it was.
- I'm so pleased.
- Yeah, it was great.
And then I put my hand out at the same time that Carls put her hand out and we - mixed and - And - Pow What? Well, there was a, a feeling, like a sensation.
But you're both dead.
Well, obviously there was something about us that - - Hmm.
You felt something? Well, I'm not sure, but Carls did, so maybe.
So, um, we stood up and, er, well, watch this.
You ready.
- Can't wait.
It's definitely something.
It's, sort of- Physical? - Maybe.
But you're ghosts! Michael.
Yeah, OK.
- Yeah.
Well? - No, didn't feel a thing.
Well, it is Michael.
- Hang, hang on, give me a chance, I can do this.
I saw that.
Shall we go? Where you going? Oh, um, Adam's taking me to the Chelsea Flower Show.
Oh, well that's lovely.
That's lovely for you.
Come on, Tyrone.
- Who is Tyrone? My imaginary friend.
Who likes me better.
- He doesn't like you better.
Coming! That was you.
That was him again, that wasn't Tyrone, that was Bloody imaginary friends, they always let you down.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Oh, she's not happy.
You know, we should try that mixing thing again sometime.
Yeah.
Vicar.
Vicar.
Shh.
Go to sleep, Marley.
I can't.
I still love Adam.
Vicar, is it possible to be in love with someone and then hate them but actually you still love them, and how do you deal with betrayal and feelings of violence? Well, Job Why is it always Job with you? Why is it never Matthew or Luke or Peter? Who? - The other ones.
Only really know about Job.
Fine, what did - And I like saying his name, Job.
Well, what did Job say? Oh, I don't know what he said.
I just like saying his name.
Job.
What do you say? About what? Is it possible to be in love with someone and then hate them but actually you still really Oh, always talk about your troubles.
Is that what Job said? - No, that's what I say.
See, even though I'm a bad seed, I can always give good advice.
Oh, when it comes to Carly and Adam you mustn't be angry.
You just need to talk to them about it.
- Talk to them? Yeah, talk about it.
Argh! That's not talking about it Marley, that's throwing a chair across the room.
I can't believe you're doing this! Could somebody tell me why Marley's throwing kitchen furniture at Carly? Because Carly likes you! Everyone does.
What's not to like? I have a list on that subject.
- Stop being silly.
It's not silly.
It's actually entitled 'what not to like about Adam', it's almost a book.
Adam, what's going on? Nothing's going on, you asked me to be nice to her, we're friends.
What? Well, I was hoping we were a bit more than that.
Good friends.
Bit more.
What comes after - Lovers! Oh, I've been alone for forty years, Marley, it's nice to be with a man and if you two can't get on, he can come and stay with me.
Adam's my husband.
I did try and tell you.
Yeah, I thought you were being clever.
He stays with me! You really haven't changed, have you? You're still a right little madam.
Just selfish.
- Ah, yeah, hang on a minute Carly.
Just because Marley used to be a right little madam, does not mean that she is one now because she is all grown up now.
She's taller, she's - Carly.
We're just friends.
You're funny and sexy and gentle and OK, maybe Marley's not those things, but - What do you mean, I'm not those things? I am those things! Would you just listen? I'm trying to say that - I am listening, you're saying I'm not funny or sexy or gentle.
OK, I just threw a chair across a room, I'm not gentle, but that still leaves funny and sexy and they're the good ones! She's trying to take you! See, you're arguing again.
You want to spend all your time arguing with her? She doesn't want you and I do.
Look, do I get a say? - No.
I was going to say that I love you.
Well OK, you can have a say! I'd never leave you.
You're Marley, you're my Marley.
You can have a bit more of a say if you want.
- I'm your husband and I know that we argue, but that doesn't mean that I don't love you.
Really? So much.
Oh Adam, I love you so much.
Oh.
Oh, do you see what she's done? What? What did she do? She's made these two love each other again and then she's also made me realise that even though I used to be a right little madam once doesn't mean that I am now.
She was having us all on.
That's why she pretended not to fall for the Michael effect! Such a relief.
- Carly? Carly? Carly? Oh.
We know what you did.
Thank you, Carly.
Oh, I'm gonna miss her.
Yeah, me too.
She was really - oh, sorry, Vicar.
Did you feel that? Yes, like a, a sensation.
Really? I've tried that and it didn't work.
Oh, maybe you were doing it wrong.
- Hmm.
Sounds very Michael.
Once, that happened once and you never let me forget it! Come on, Tyrone.
Oh, Tyrone.
What, even Tyrone can - Oh yeah, yeah, see what you did, very funny.
- VICAR GIGGLES Very funny.
Or eat so Don't.
- What? Nothing.
Ah! - What? - Nothing.
Ah! - You really don't want me to eat this cake, do you? Of course I do.
- SHE LAUGHS - Enjoy.
That nice, is it? - Mmm.
- You enjoying it? Yeah, it's good cake.
- Yeah? Not the cake, the sense of fun you obviously get from deliberately tormenting me! Vicar, I don't think - No! You don't think.
You don't think about me at all, do you, any of you? It's my birthday and I can't blow out my candles, I can't eat my cake I can't even open my presents.
Not that you've even got me any! Well, you can have the wish.
Bloody right I'm making a wish.
Well go on then, make the wish.
Already done it, and it doesn't end well for you.
Well go on, be my guest.
Have some more.
Stuff your face, I hope it bloody chokes you! I'm so sorry.
I've never been very good with birthdays.
Ever since my tenth one where I punched my brother in the face for for stealing the last piece of cake.
It's not what it sounds like.
I was saving it and then I got sent to my room and had to sit there all on my own just listening to them all downstairs laughing and playing games and singing and eating the cake.
What did you do? - Just cried for a bit and then I spent the afternoon talking to Lucy.
Who? My imaginary friend.
I didn't have any real friends, so I made one up and when no one else wanted to talk to me, she just - Always did.
Yeah.
Whenever I had a problem, no matter what it was, she was always Always there for me.
Yeah.
I don't talk to her anymore, obviously.
I'm an adult, I don't need to talk to imaginary people.
Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go and talk to Jesus.
That's me.
- Would you like a cake, Carly? With Carly.
- OK.
I can only see you.
I can't believe I forgot about Carly.
Who's Carly? I don't see a Carly.
The vicar had an imaginary friend and so did I, Carly.
I was always talking to her.
Everyone thought I was mad.
The doctors thought I was going crazy.
My sister Abby said they were gonna send me away for a year, put me in therapy.
Bit harsh.
- Good old Abby.
Carly was my only friend.
Little Carly.
Well, funnily enough, not so little.
As I remember, she was about forty.
Well, why would a little girl imagine a forty-year-old friend? Yeah, well, good question, and I've only recently just worked out the answer.
You see, back then I didn't know I could see ghosts.
So, she wasn't imaginary? Maybe nots.
Maybe she's still there.
I spent a lot of happy times here with Carly.
It was fun having an imaginary friend.
Maybe she was real, maybe she wasn't, I dunno.
Well, let's go find out.
Come on, Tyrone.
Who? Smaller than I remember.
I thought this imaginary friend thing sounds like fun, so meet Tyrone.
Unlike some, he's nice to me.
Thinks I'm great.
What does he look like? Um, well, he's - he's, um - he's, he's, um, you know.
No, I don't know Michael, you tell me, what does he look like.
Hello, Lord.
Should probably start with an apology.
I should've popped in a bit more often, but it's, er it's been a big adjustment being dead.
You see Michael, the thing about having an imaginary friend is that you've actually got to have an imagination.
Come on, Tyrone.
What, no, he's my imaginary friend.
Who likes me better.
Tyrone, let's go.
What? No.
He's - Adam? Adam? Haven't known if I'm coming or going, to be honest.
Still, it's very nice to be here.
I mean, I was wondering why I'm not up there with you.
Bloody hell Justine, you're always putting me down.
Oh, I can hear someone in there.
Oh, what do I say? You're just gonna knock? Yeah.
You could've put a suit on, smarten yourself up a bit.
I look fine.
- You're a stranger knocking on the door.
You wanna get inside, you should be presentable.
Just tell 'em the truth.
You used to live here and can you have a look around.
Yeah, that sounds reasonable.
It was a long time ago, you were small.
Hi, yeah, many years ago I was small.
I think most of us were love.
Some of us still are.
Sorry, I'm not explaining myself very - When I was younger - Who is it? The woman here says she used to be small.
- Most people were.
I told her that.
Er, come in.
I won't be a moment, I've got to put his dinner on.
OK.
Right.
Just wait in there.
- Oh, thank you very much.
Well, that was easy.
Okay, so have a look around.
Carly, small, blonde, about forty.
Okay, come on, Tyrone.
- Oh shut up.
Perhaps I'm just a bad seed.
I don't know.
Maybe my parents were too soft on me for too long or maybe I needed more of a firm hand.
Your dad could be firm, couldn't he? He was probably a bit too strict actually, wasn't he? With all that wrath and thunder and parting of the seas, drowning everyone.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, he's not really the sort of person you'd answer back to and you wouldn't pinch his ciggies.
Not that I've ever pinched any ciggies.
Sorry about that.
What can I do for you? Is she still small? Not really.
Now she's, sort of, er, normal height.
Probably trying to sell us something.
No, actually I'm here because when I was younger Oldest trick in the book.
She says she's small she drinks a magic tonic, growth hormone or something.
We don't want any.
Are you sure? It's a con.
Maybe worth a try.
You're not exactly David Hasselhoff.
- Look, really, I'm not trying to sell anything.
- It's the patter.
You make her a cup of tea 'cause you like her then she says she's trying to sell you something.
In this case it'll be some sort of magic tonic that makes you taller.
Oh, I'm sorry love, I'm quite happy with my height actually.
Really? You'd look better with a few more inches and maybe some hair.
Have you got anything for hair? Look, um, I'd like to start again.
Yes, so would I.
Are you calling me a short, bald man? Well, you're not a tall, hairy one, are you? Fine.
Um, the reason I was here is - Excuse me, I better just I won't be a mo.
Anything? - Nothing.
Michael? - Nothing.
Pretty, blonde, kind of small? Whatever her height, if she can walk through walls and dissolve into thin air I think I would've noticed her.
Right.
Maybe she was imaginary.
Yeah, I suppose.
Blonde, pretty, quite small? Yeah.
- She's on the bench next to Poseidon.
Carly! Hang on a minute, love.
I can't persuade him.
He thinks you're a con artist.
No, no, no, I - I wasn't - I'm sorry.
I know it's difficult.
I used to be in sales.
No, really, I wasn't - Word to the wise maybe you should smarten yourself up.
Told you.
Never hurts to present yourself properly.
Yeah, but I'm not trying to sell anything.
- What? Well, I, I'm not trying to sell anything.
And you won't, looking like that.
What, you can see me? Yes, always could.
It's me, Marley.
Marley.
Maybe next time.
Oh yes, maybe next time.
Yeah, I, I'll try you again.
Um, thanks.
I'll see myself out.
I'm gonna go home, do you wanna come too? Yeah.
Come on.
Don't look at me like that.
I didn't mean to be a bad person.
Jesus? Can I have some forgiveness? No, okay.
I'm gonna go and speak to Marley.
They seem happy.
- For the moment.
I think Marley wants her to live here.
Things could get awkward.
Why would they get awkward? Don't be silly.
On the way back, did you see Carly smile at me? She smiled at everyone.
She's a smiley person.
Yeah, but I have an effect.
You know what I'm talking about.
The Michael effect.
What does the Michael effect have an effect on? What? Women.
Probably end up fighting over me.
Could get nasty.
Doesn't look nasty.
Carly's yet to feel the effect.
What effect? - It's called the Mich haven't we just done this? Who's that? Marley's imaginary friend.
I don't think so.
She's there.
You can see her, look, she's sitting there.
Marley didn't know she wasn't imaginary.
At the time, Marley didn't know she could see ghosts.
Oh, I understand.
Really? - No.
But bad people lie, don't they? It's official, I've been to church.
I am no good.
I'm a bad seed.
He was just there, just staring at me.
I need to speak to Marley.
I've heard all about it.
She's had a wonderful life.
Important job, husband, lover.
So, which one's the husband? Well, that, that would be me.
And which one's the lover? Well? That has to be me.
I'm the only one left.
She can't be the lover.
- Because she's a vicar? Because she's a woman.
Oh, so you're narrow-minded.
No, I'm, I'm not narrow-minded, I'm the lover.
Really? When exactly does the Michael effect kick in? Marley, can I talk to you? Yeah, not now Vicar.
- It's important.
Yeah, so's this.
I'm gonna show Carly some of the tapes.
I wanna see everything.
Our wedding video, show her our wedding video.
No, Marley, really, I do need to talk to you, 'cause I've been to church Yeah, later, Vicar, OK? Come on.
So, I've got me at school, girl guides.
Oh, show her the wedding.
Er, university graduation.
Show her the wedding, Marley.
The wedding.
Oh, I've gotta see that.
My little Marley got married.
Oh, I bet you were a beautiful bride.
She was.
Come on, let's see the wedding.
Marley, the wedding.
Er, well, um, well - What? Er - Marley, what? Oh.
- Marley, what? Well, I may have taped over it.
You did what? You erased our marriage? Well, no, I, I just put a tape in the camera I didn't know what was on it.
Our wedding was on it, you went over our wedding.
With what? - What? What did you tape over our wedding with, Marley? Um, oh, er, with Michael.
Yeah, Spain.
I thought you went to Spain with Abby.
Err - Great trip.
Sun, speedos and the woman I love rubbing oil into my back.
Sorry, you went over Adam with Michael? You got rid of your wedding for Michael? Yes, not, not on purpose.
You went over our sacred vows with oiled-up Michael in speedos.
That's it! I'm sorry, Carly, I'm just It's okay, I understand.
People have problems.
Come on, Tyrone.
Who's Tyrone? He's my imaginary friend.
Who, unlike some, likes me better.
He doesn't like you better.
Tyrone.
- Coming.
That, that wasn't Tyrone, that was Adam, he - that was not - that - Adam.
Just seeing the cake made me angry, you know, like when I was a little girl.
I have tried to be a good person.
Maybe I was just born bad 'cause when I died I didn't go to heaven, did I? And they don't let bad people into heaven.
Vicar, I'm good, they didn't let me in.
You're not good.
You were having an affair with my wife.
That's not good.
It was pretty good.
I used to make Marley very happy.
Whenever we were together she had an enormous smile on her face.
That's because of her enormous mouth.
Hardly noticeable.
Perfectly proportioned to your head.
Right, so that implies I've also got a big head.
Think you're being clever, don't you? Well, a little bit.
See how I went from you being with Michael to you being a big-headed big mouth? How long have you two been arguing? It's difficult for me to say.
Understandable considering the size of your mouth.
That's not funny.
It was quite funny.
- Oh, don't encourage him, Carly.
He's difficult enough to live with.
I'm not difficult to live with, I'm a joy.
You're a pain.
You erased our wedding.
Oh, Adam, do you know what, if you're gonna be difficult then you can go on the sofa.
Fine.
Tyrone.
Who's Tyrone? The only friend I've got left.
Well, we were having such fun when we got married, you know, we were so happy.
Oh, she was a very happy little girl.
We had, we had so many adventures together.
- Huh.
Until the family moved away.
- Oh.
She was just so full of life.
Hadn't realised how much I'd missed her.
It's silly, really.
We were gonna travel, have adventures.
You know, well, that was the plan.
What happened? - I don't know, we just settled down, went to work and everything went And Michael, man, I didn't see that coming.
Oh, I was drinking too much, I didn't see a lot of things coming.
Cars, people, hedges.
Yeah, but Michael.
- I know.
I mean, if you're gonna have an affair.
Michael? Michael.
Blergh! You want some fun, excitement, tenderness, you go for somebody like - Somebody like you.
I was the husband.
Any other woman would've gone for somebody like you.
Really? - Yeah.
- Aw.
Thank you.
I hadn't had a walk in the park for so long.
Oh, I'm sorry I couldn't join you.
I hope he looked after you.
Anyway, I'm just happy you had such a lovely time.
Oh, I had a wonderful time.
Thank you, Marley.
It's a shame you two can't get on.
Yeah, I know.
Can't stop arguing.
Marley, remember all those years ago, we'd be in the garden and you'd be playing with your dolls and sometimes you wouldn't let me talk to them? - I could be a right madam.
Yeah, yeah, you were.
You didn't like to share.
Do you still feel like that? Like what? I had a really good time today with Adam, I really like him.
Well, I'm glad someone does.
But I realise he's your husband.
Oh, what, like him like him? - Yeah.
Clever.
Yeah, but I see what you're doing.
- No you don't.
Yes I do.
Oh Carly, you always looked after me.
You're saying you want Adam so that I'll want him again.
No, I'm not.
- Yes you are.
No, I'm really not, I really like him.
No, it's clever but sorry Carly, it's not gonna work.
What do you think I am, an idiot? Well, it's starting to look like that.
Carly, I'm back.
Carly? What about, 'Vicar, Vicar, I'm back? What? No? Last few days have been difficult for me.
You know, I've been upset about me being basically a really bad person and I've wanted to talk to you about it, but I can't, 'cause you're always with what's her name.
You know her name.
- Yeah, well you're always talking to her.
We used to be best friends.
And if you're not talking to her, she's talking to Adam.
She doesn't even know I exist.
Well, you don't exist, you're dead.
- So's Adam.
It's not my fault she doesn't like you.
- I don't care.
What? Really? She doesn't like me? Why wouldn't she like me? What did she say? Oh, maybe I heard her wrong.
- What did she say? She said she didn't like you.
She said you shouldn't have stolen me from Adam and she likes Adam.
How can she like Adam? What's not to like about him? Do you want a list? She told me.
She said she likes Adam.
She actually said she really, really likes Adam, but she was just being clever.
Or maybe she wasn't being clever, maybe she was being honest.
If she was clever, she'd really, really like me.
- Why would anyone like Adam? - Well, you should know.
You married him.
Where are they now? - I'm really looking forward to it.
- I've never been to a concert.
I know, I can't believe it.
And, we don't even have to pay to get in, you see.
So, it's not all bad being dead.
Adam! Hey.
- Carly! I thought I might find you here.
It's nice to see you two getting on.
Yeah.
Oh, you'll never guess what Carls said earlier.
Oh, err, no, it's, it's, er, Carly.
Oh no, he calls me Carls.
It's sweet.
- Yeah, it's so great.
Oh, no, no, no, that, that, that's not nice.
No, it's great.
Yeah, anyway, so when do you think you're gonna come home? Oh, well, er, listen, don't wait up, because we're gonna go and see Bruce Springsteen later and we're seriously thinking of going to the after-show party.
Oh right.
So, we went to the seaside and we went out on this boat and and Adam he, he started singing.
And then Carls started singing, but, like, a different song and it was like: Argh! You had to be there.
- I wasn't invited.
- What? Oh, um, tell 'em about the, you know.
- Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so, um, so we went to a restaurant.
You can't eat.
Yeah, I know, but it had a lovely sea view and the sun was setting and the lights were soft.
- Sounds lovely.
- Oh, it was.
- I'm so pleased.
- Yeah, it was great.
And then I put my hand out at the same time that Carls put her hand out and we - mixed and - And - Pow What? Well, there was a, a feeling, like a sensation.
But you're both dead.
Well, obviously there was something about us that - - Hmm.
You felt something? Well, I'm not sure, but Carls did, so maybe.
So, um, we stood up and, er, well, watch this.
You ready.
- Can't wait.
It's definitely something.
It's, sort of- Physical? - Maybe.
But you're ghosts! Michael.
Yeah, OK.
- Yeah.
Well? - No, didn't feel a thing.
Well, it is Michael.
- Hang, hang on, give me a chance, I can do this.
I saw that.
Shall we go? Where you going? Oh, um, Adam's taking me to the Chelsea Flower Show.
Oh, well that's lovely.
That's lovely for you.
Come on, Tyrone.
- Who is Tyrone? My imaginary friend.
Who likes me better.
- He doesn't like you better.
Coming! That was you.
That was him again, that wasn't Tyrone, that was Bloody imaginary friends, they always let you down.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Oh, she's not happy.
You know, we should try that mixing thing again sometime.
Yeah.
Vicar.
Vicar.
Shh.
Go to sleep, Marley.
I can't.
I still love Adam.
Vicar, is it possible to be in love with someone and then hate them but actually you still love them, and how do you deal with betrayal and feelings of violence? Well, Job Why is it always Job with you? Why is it never Matthew or Luke or Peter? Who? - The other ones.
Only really know about Job.
Fine, what did - And I like saying his name, Job.
Well, what did Job say? Oh, I don't know what he said.
I just like saying his name.
Job.
What do you say? About what? Is it possible to be in love with someone and then hate them but actually you still really Oh, always talk about your troubles.
Is that what Job said? - No, that's what I say.
See, even though I'm a bad seed, I can always give good advice.
Oh, when it comes to Carly and Adam you mustn't be angry.
You just need to talk to them about it.
- Talk to them? Yeah, talk about it.
Argh! That's not talking about it Marley, that's throwing a chair across the room.
I can't believe you're doing this! Could somebody tell me why Marley's throwing kitchen furniture at Carly? Because Carly likes you! Everyone does.
What's not to like? I have a list on that subject.
- Stop being silly.
It's not silly.
It's actually entitled 'what not to like about Adam', it's almost a book.
Adam, what's going on? Nothing's going on, you asked me to be nice to her, we're friends.
What? Well, I was hoping we were a bit more than that.
Good friends.
Bit more.
What comes after - Lovers! Oh, I've been alone for forty years, Marley, it's nice to be with a man and if you two can't get on, he can come and stay with me.
Adam's my husband.
I did try and tell you.
Yeah, I thought you were being clever.
He stays with me! You really haven't changed, have you? You're still a right little madam.
Just selfish.
- Ah, yeah, hang on a minute Carly.
Just because Marley used to be a right little madam, does not mean that she is one now because she is all grown up now.
She's taller, she's - Carly.
We're just friends.
You're funny and sexy and gentle and OK, maybe Marley's not those things, but - What do you mean, I'm not those things? I am those things! Would you just listen? I'm trying to say that - I am listening, you're saying I'm not funny or sexy or gentle.
OK, I just threw a chair across a room, I'm not gentle, but that still leaves funny and sexy and they're the good ones! She's trying to take you! See, you're arguing again.
You want to spend all your time arguing with her? She doesn't want you and I do.
Look, do I get a say? - No.
I was going to say that I love you.
Well OK, you can have a say! I'd never leave you.
You're Marley, you're my Marley.
You can have a bit more of a say if you want.
- I'm your husband and I know that we argue, but that doesn't mean that I don't love you.
Really? So much.
Oh Adam, I love you so much.
Oh.
Oh, do you see what she's done? What? What did she do? She's made these two love each other again and then she's also made me realise that even though I used to be a right little madam once doesn't mean that I am now.
She was having us all on.
That's why she pretended not to fall for the Michael effect! Such a relief.
- Carly? Carly? Carly? Oh.
We know what you did.
Thank you, Carly.
Oh, I'm gonna miss her.
Yeah, me too.
She was really - oh, sorry, Vicar.
Did you feel that? Yes, like a, a sensation.
Really? I've tried that and it didn't work.
Oh, maybe you were doing it wrong.
- Hmm.
Sounds very Michael.
Once, that happened once and you never let me forget it! Come on, Tyrone.
Oh, Tyrone.
What, even Tyrone can - Oh yeah, yeah, see what you did, very funny.
- VICAR GIGGLES Very funny.