Maron (2013) s02e05 Episode Script

All right, Boomie.
Let's eat.
Come on, buddy.
Boomer! Come on, man.
Won't fall for it you can't see and you can't tell I just can't drink from the poisoned well Hey, who are you? And what'd you do with Boomer? Come on.
Come on! Hey, Boomer! The strays are eating your food.
Hey, Jen, it's me.
Look, I moved the dresser out into the driveway, and it's heavy, all right? So when you're coming over to pick it up, let me know, and I'll help you load it into the car, okay? All right.
I'm hanging up now.
I never really enjoyed L.
A.
I-I feel like there's no, like, community.
Oh, come on.
Really? That cliché? No community? I don't mean -- look, New York has bad stuff, too.
New York -- you can't have a dog in New York, you know? I learned that one the hard way.
Well, maybe you should get some cats.
No, if I want something that I have to spend all my time trying to understand its feelings and whether it's into me or not, I have an ex-girlfriend I can call for that.
Okay, all right -- And at least with her, I got to have sex.
Yeah, but, you know, I-I -- cats are cool.
I mean, I -- you know, I have cats.
I know.
I have allergies.
Yeah, one of my cats is actually missing.
He's been gone for about a week, and I'm, uh -- I'm not worried.
I mean, he's -- he's taken off for a few days before and come back, so I'm -- I don't know.
I'm pretty sure he'll come back.
- Wait.
Your cat's been gone for a week? - Yes.
Look, if your cat is gone more than 48 hours, your cat's dead.
No, man, not this cat.
- This cat is a warrior, Wyatt.
- No -- This cat's been out there for a decade, man.
He's tough.
I mean, I've seen strays come and go.
This guy is still around, all right? Maybe he's just out carousing.
Maybe he's looking for pussy.
Doesn't really add up 'cause he's got no balls.
But who knows? Maybe he's still got it, you know? I don't know.
I've heard stories where cats disappear for months, and then they show up like nothing happened.
No, that's one of those stories that parents tell their children so the kids go to sleep at night.
That's not real.
You don't know this cat.
I'm sorry.
Look, if you love something, you got to let it go.
And if it doesn't return to you, it was probably eaten by a coyote.
You're a horrible person.
I want you to leave my garage.
Boomer! Boomie! Hey.
You having some trouble? You want some tape? Uh, no.
I'm just trying to un-jam this stupid stapler.
Sorry.
Going through a rough time.
Yeah.
I know what you're going through.
Oh.
Yeah, my boy is Riley.
Any chance you've seen him? No.
Have you seen Boomer around? - No.
Sorry.
- Mm.
I just moved to this neighborhood a couple weeks ago, and I thought it would be fine if I let Riley go outside, but I guess I was wrong.
But wait.
Maybe he's on his way back to your old house.
Oh, it's in Nebraska.
Oh.
Yeah.
Well -- Well, have you seen that movie "The Incredible Journey"? It's where a-a-a group of small animals band together, and they go on an incredible journey.
Yeah.
Well, that cat had two dogs with him, and they could both talk.
Yeah.
I know.
But those kind of -- those kind of stories are kind of, you know, making me feel better now.
I just don't get it.
I took care of that cat for years, you know? I fed him, I loved him, I made him a bed.
- You know, we helped each other out.
- Uh-huh.
And then he just disappears for a week? I mean, what is that?! It's like a complete lack of respect, you know? Sounds like it's bringing up a lot of issues for you.
- Yeah, I just broke up with someone, too.
- Aw.
It's ridiculous.
I got to quit taking in strays.
Well, I'm sure it wasn't your fault.
The cat, not the breakup.
I'm sure that was totally your fault.
Really? You can tell that already? Yeah.
That's crazy.
You know, cats are cats.
They wander.
Yeah, that's true.
Maybe our cats are hanging out together.
- Aww! - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
My friend thinks a coyote got him.
You know what? Someone's gonna find them and call us.
There are good people in this neighborhood, right? Yes.
Absolutely.
I think.
Well, okay, so, we'll call each other if we find our cats.
Deal.
- Okay.
So, take that.
- All right.
And I've got -- I've got your number a lot of times.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
All right.
Okay.
Good luck.
Hey.
You the one with the missing cat? Yeah, that's me.
Did you find him? No.
But I found this bullshit in my mailbox! I oughta have you arrested! What are you talking about? This is a violation of federal postal codes! Now I got to get law enforcement involved! Yeah, you do that! Why don't you call the cops? I'm sure they got your number memorized from the last time you called them about kids trick-or-treating on your property, you old, dusty bag of shit! Look, I've had a rough week.
My girlfriend left me, and my cat is missing.
You think that makes you special? Pussy.
Miserable prick.
Hey, you guys.
How's it going? Where you going, friend? Come on, man.
I'm just looking for my cat.
My cat Lafonda ran away last year, and you found her up here, remember? Oh, shit.
I remember you.
Mork.
Marc.
I'm Bernie.
Sorry about pulling that peashooter on you.
Some assholes broke into my place the other day.
They stole my jacket, man.
Oh, that's a bummer, man.
You don't understand.
This was an awesome jacket -- classic, brown, leather, weathered and hardened like an armadillo's shell, picture on the back of a skanky-looking redhead with big titties.
I had that jacket since Jimmy Carter.
Okay, man.
Well, I'll keep an eye out for it.
- Really? - Yeah.
You'll keep an eye out for it? You'll keep both eyes open, looking for my jacket? Yeah, I-I'll do all those things.
Have you seen this cat? Yeah, I seen that cat around.
I think I know where we can find him, too.
Great.
Yeah.
Y-y-you're taking the gun? Yeah.
Don't worry.
I'm bringing it.
How far up are we going? How'd your cat escape? Well, you know, Boomer was an indoor cat, and then I let him live outside.
I mean, I shouldn't have done it, but he was peeing all over everything.
I should have tolerated it.
I mean, it wasn't that big a deal.
I could have got used to it, man.
It's too late now.
You can't negotiate with a missing cat, you know? Maybe -- maybe he left you for a reason.
You know, who knows what animals think? Maybe you didn't own the cat.
Maybe the cat owned you and just released you Uh-huh.
out into the wild.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You ever think about that? Kinda.
Maybe you should be living outside! Okay.
You know, sometimes things get lost for a reason.
Yeah, like your jacket? I'll tell you a story.
I used to play semi-pro jai alai in Tampa.
I crashed my bike.
I messed up my throwing arm.
If I wasn't wearing that jacket, I'd be nothing but burnt nerve endings from the neck down.
My wife divorced me.
She took the kid.
Next thing I know, I'm in the Salton Sea, house-sitting the trailer of a buddy of mine, nursing a broken foot, and the cops are breaking in through the windows.
Whoa, whoa, whoa -- w-why would the cops break in through the windows of a trailer? Exactly.
T-that's a good question.
We're here.
This Is the answer place.
You think Boomer's up here? No, man, but take a look at this vantage point.
You can see everything! Yeah, it's kind of hard to tell, though.
Yeah.
Bastards took my binoculars, too.
Bam! I hate crows.
I hate crows! I hate crows! I hate crows! Hey, uh I'm gonna go, man.
Hey, it's me.
I'd appreciate you calling me back, all right? I don't want to wait around all day for you.
I have stuff to do, and, uh, Boomer's missing, so, you know, your dresser's pretty low-priority.
Uh, call me back, please.
Hey.
Hey! Any luck? No.
You? No.
Nothing.
Aw.
Cute dresser.
Are you getting rid of it? No, it's my ex's.
- Ohh, that's right.
- Yeah.
You poor guy.
So much at once.
I know.
I got an ingrown hair on my nose, too.
Uh, well, feel better.
And stay positive.
- Okay.
I'll try.
Thanks a lot.
- Okay.
Oh.
Hey, did you hear gunshots? Oh, yeah.
That was Bernie.
He's got a crow problem.
Uh, I-it's a long story.
Maybe another time or something.
Okay.
All right, bye.
Okay, see ya.
Uh, hey, let me ask you a question.
I haven't got any money, man.
I didn't ask you for money.
All right, well, look, I'm a little distracted.
I lost my cat.
Have you seen this cat? UhUh No, I haven't.
I'd remember that cat.
It's a fine-looking cat.
How long has it been gone? Like a week.
- Damn.
- Yeah.
You need a hug? No, I'm okay.
I'm -- oh! How does that make you feel? Better, actually -- a little bit.
Cool.
Can I have 5 bucks? - For what? - Dope.
Look, I appreciate your honesty, but h-how is that working out for you? Well, you know how you're feeling right now because you don't know where your cat is? Imagine you go to a guy down the street, and he says, "here's your cat.
" Then he hands you your cat.
How would that make you feel? Great.
Times that by 1,000.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Right now, I'm shy about 1,000 cats! All right, look, I'm not gonna feed your addiction, man.
Whatever.
Hey, where -- where'd you get that jacket? Hey, man, just g-- just give me the jacket.
Oh, let me -- let me keep the binoculars.
Okay.
Fine.
Those aren't big titties.
Hey.
What the hell? Screw it.
Boomer.
You under there? Boomer? Whoa.
Sorry, dude.
Didn't meant to scare ya.
You guys.
We're here to pick up Jen's dresser.
What? Why didn't she come herself? She thought it was best if we pick it up for her.
Said the situation had becomeUntenable.
Untenable.
She's moved on.
You should just accept it, Marc.
That is cowardly, not to face me.
I mean, who does that? Uh, a person who's moved on does that, Marc.
But don't worry.
She's doing really good, dude.
Yeah.
She texted.
Look -- says, uh, "doing well.
" - Mm-hmm.
- #atpeace.
" She hashtagged a text? Yeah, she did.
Hey, I feel like maybe there's something deeper going on here, buddy.
My cat's missing.
Ow.
Double whammy.
Did you feed it, uh, wet food or dry? Dry.
So, basically, all it would take is just a whiff of wet food for that cat to want to leave? What does that mean? It's about how you treat people.
Cats.
It's about how you treat cats.
So, the dresser -- is it -- is it in the house or in the garage? It's not here.
Oh, damn, dude.
You can't keep a girl, a cat, furniture.
You know what? I'll take you to where the dresser is.
Oh, thank you.
Great.
Now we're getting somewhere.
You drive.
- Perfect.
- Pbht.
- I'll drive.
Shotgun.
Hey! Hey! What's up? We're here for the dresser you took.
You think I took your dresser? No, no, I-I know you took it.
I saw you take it out of my driveway earlier.
I just didn't want to say anything.
I didn't want any trouble.
And so you waited for your muscle to get here, to back you up? Yeah.
Exactly.
No, we're not muscle, - No.
We're -- Omar! Yeah.
Get out here! Yeah, Omar, get out here! No -- no Omar.
We don't need an Omar.
These guys -- they say we took their dresser.
Hold -- hold on.
Hold on.
Nah, that was left out.
Yeah, in my driveway.
So that means anyone can take it.
No.
No.
If it's on the sidewalk, it's fair game.
That was in my driveway next to my house, all right? There's a fine line between garbage and theft.
Yeah, it was closer to the sidewalk.
Look, it's not garbage.
It belongs to my girlfriend.
- Ex-girlfriend.
- Mm.
Yeah.
These guys are here to bring it back to her.
Dude.
And now she's sending you to pick up her shit? That's cold.
Which one of you guys is she banging? Yeah, which one of you guys is she banging? - No.
- No banging.
You crazy? Some chick dumps you and sends a couple dudes to pick up her dresser that she's banging? And now you're willing to get your ass kicked for that? Yeah, dude, we feel sorry for you and all, but, uh, we're not gonna let you have it back.
Let her go -- like she let you go.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
You're right.
Good talk.
Yeah.
Tough being you.
- Wait.
Marc -- - Thanks, fellas.
Sure thing, man.
I -- What's up? Oh.
You.
I knew you stole it.
I didn't steal it.
I just got it from a guy -- Your guilty conscience got the best of you, huh? No.
That's all right.
I knew you were a good guy.
Okay.
Hello, baby.
I'm just gonna leave you two alone.
Yeah, get out of my yard before I shoot ya.
All right.
I'm kidding.
You can stay.
You want tea? Oh, wait.
Nope.
I got to take this.
Sorry.
Hello? What?! You found him? Oh, that's great.
That is great! Oh.
It's you.
I have your cat.
Amazing.
Thank you.
Found him in my backyard.
Trapped him in my garage with some raw chicken pieces.
That's great.
Here you go.
Here you Aww, thank you.
This is pretty surprising, given our last exchange.
I don't like people.
I didn't say I didn't like animals.
Right.
Well, thank you.
Uh It's not my cat.
Ah.
But you know what -- I know where this cat belongs, and I appreciate it, all right? And I think this is a very big step for you.
Don't push it.
- Here he is.
- Riley! Oh! Yeah.
- Hi! Hi! Hi! - Yeah.
When I got your message, oh, I swerved across, like, three lanes.
I nearly died.
Hi! Well, it's lucky you didn't die.
Yeah.
Oh, seriously, thank you.
I-I didn't really do anything but take a call from an old guy.
Well, you said this was a good neighborhood.
Yeah.
- Well, this was so sweet of you.
- Yeah.
You know, we should have dinner sometime.
- Yeah.
That would be nice.
- Yeah.
I mean, I-I'm not a big believer in fate, but, uh, we did both lose our cats and -- - Look who it is! - Riley! This is Marc from down the street.
He's who found Riley for us.
Little runaway.
Yeah.
This is my fiancée -- Zoe.
Oh, hey.
Thanks for finding our cat.
How's it going? Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
- Oh.
Sorry.
- Yeah, it's -- sorry.
- That was so rude of me.
- Yeah.
It's all right.
Uh, what were you saying? UhNo, nothing.
Just, I guess, a long-winded way of saying, you know, I'm glad you got your cat back and I'll -- I'll see ya around the neighborhood.
- Yeah, you too.
- All right.
- All right, thanks.
- All right, take care.
I lost a cat and a girl.
It's heartbreaking.
Shit happens in life that just sucks.
I mean, I'm a sensitive guy.
I lost my cat.
I loved that guy.
Okay, I didn't lose a child or a limb, but I lost a cat, and it's sad.
And there's nothing I can do to change that.
I lost a girl.
Maybe I could change that.
Maybe I could do something.
But it would probably be pathetic, desperate.
Should I call her? Should I -- I'm gonna call her.
Should I call her? You can't avoid pain in life.
I mean, it's how you handle pain.
That's what defines you.
A-are you gonna be bitter, or are you gonna be wise? I mean, the jury's still out on me, clearly.
You can't avoid letting other people down.
You can't avoid heartbreak.
You can't avoid loss.
You can't avoid disappointment.
You can try to avoid those things, but your life would become very small.
I mean, you'd literally become a person that can't have a relationship with another person, you can't have a pet, you can't have a job, you can't try, you can't have any attachments.
Should I call her? I think I'm gonna call her.
I can't call her.
Hey.
You hungry? Here -- come on in.
Come on.
Monkey, Lafonda, we have a guest.
Be nice.