M*A*S*H (MASH) s02e05 Episode Script
K405 - Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde
Hey, Charlie.
Let's get these walls cleaned up They look like they need it.
[Radar On P.
A.
.]
Attention.
No wounded are expected for 24 hours.
Surgical personnel are now on conditional stand-down.
- What are you doin'? - Somebody took my patient.
You finished him! Well, where's the next one? Let's go! Deal me another case! I got a winning streak here.
Come on.
Give me a gown! Hey, pal, that's it.
We're all done.
Come on.
Let's get outta here.
[Radar On P.
A.
.]
Attention.
At 1300 hours, Colonel Blake will lecture on the dangers of acne in combat.
I never wanted to get to bed so bad in my whole life.
Wait a second.
I take that back.
There was a nurse in med school.
When I put my ear to her navel, I could hear the ocean.
- Some night.
- Before that, it was some day.
- And before that, it was some night.
- Well, you kept taking all the chest cases like you were their only hope.
Oh, you're right.
I keep forgetting what wonders Mercurochrome can do.
[Jeep Approaches.]
Let's hit the sack.
Hello, bed.
This is Captain Pierce.
Can you hear me? I'm coming in, bed.
[Sighs.]
Morpheus, don't just stand there, I'm yours.
[Helicopter Approaches.]
What's that? What's that I hear? Thunder? Thunder.
Must be thunder.
Avalanche.
They get 'em here in the mountains all the time.
You go to sleep.
I'll put a hold on your rocks till morning.
Hey, you've been carving for 20 straight hours.
Even Albert Schweitzer takes a rest.
You've gone through three shifts of nurses.
Really? And I'm still hungry.
- Sir? - Can't sit down.
We got new wounded.
Well, sir, should I send back those 1941 frozen surplus chicken wings we got? I wouldn't.
They're a lot better than those 1939 surplus hamburger patties.
Come on.
Get smart.
Don't look.
Don't tempt yourself.
Don't worry about me, pal.
I just wanna see what I'll be missing.
- Help me sleep better.
- Pierce, get some sack.
Yeah, I just wanna look.
I won't buy anything.
- Watch it.
- Look out.
That kid's got chest wounds.
I can spot it a mile off.
Terrific.
Your eyes are perfect.
Thanks.
Yours are cute too.
One on each side of your nose, but we can fix that.
- Yeah.
- Go to bed.
Who's gonna put that kid with the surprised look back together? You? You don't know your rectus abdominus from your gluteus maximus.
If I find something in his chest I don't recognize, I'll come and get you, okay? Pierce, you're asleep on your feet.
Wake me when I'm finished.
I don't wanna miss my nap.
[Man.]
Doctor, do you want me to hold that for you? [Pierce.]
Put a clamp on that.
Hold it till I get in there.
[Mclntyre.]
Okay, cut that.
- Henry.
- Yeah.
- What's he doing in here? - Gee, I don't know, Frank.
He's a doctor.
Maybe somebody's sick.
I've been asleep three times while he's gone on operating.
- You know what that means? - Yeah, you're Sleepy.
And I always thought you were Dopey.
You're certainly not Doc.
- Sponge.
- [Chuckles.]
What that means, Colonel, is that this man is probably operating below par.
Nonsense.
I've already had six holes in one.
Get it? "Six holes in one?" Little gallows humor to relieve the tremendous pressure.
- I must have your body.
- [Laughing.]
And you're off both shifts.
I don't wanna see you with a knife in your hand for 48 hours.
Taxi! - Take him home.
- Move it, driver.
There's an extra five in it for you if you get me there fast.
What country is this, sirrah? Do they sleep here? [Nurses Giggling.]
Hark! A herd of nurse.
Or is that gaggle? No, that's geese.
Although, goose and nurse don't go together.
- On the other hand - I think I better get you to bed.
A noble idea.
Any takers? Anybody wanna come to my tent for a drink? We could talk a little doctor.
Or perhaps play some.
Last chance, ladies.
[Blows.]
How do you whistle? It has something to do with the lips, doesn't it? We had a preacher back home who whistled while he preached.
I hope he was run out of town, the filthy hypocrite.
Okay now, let me get you to bed here - and make sure you're comfortable.
- That's what they all say.
- Uh-oh.
- What? What do you hear? [Helicopters Approaching.]
- Slowly I turn, - Hawkeye.
- Step by step, inch by inch.
- Hawk.
Hawk.
Listen.
Let somebody else do these.
You're tired.
[Laughs.]
Radar, you're not a doctor.
You're a layman, if I may use that term so early in the morning.
The human body aside from its other wonders has glands known as the adrenals.
Even as I talk to you, a tiny little man inside me with a golf cap and a pink cashmere sweater is saying to my adrenals, "Okay, fill 'er up.
My oil and water are all right.
" - Really? - Of course, in some people the overproduction of adrenalin can lead to compulsive, even psychotic behavior.
Why are you staring at me like that? - I'm not staring at you.
- It must just be your eyes.
[Helicopters Approaching.]
[Crickets Chirping.]
- What is it? - Wake up.
I thought you were asleep.
Something funny is happening here, and I'm finally beginning to notice it.
For the past couple of days, I've been making some very careful observations.
There's a war going on here.
People walkin' around with guns.
Uniforms.
Dozens of bodies coming in by helicopter.
And without exception, every single one of them is mangled in some way.
Don't you see? It all adds up.
There's guns, uniforms, wounded bodies.
- You figured that out, huh? - I'm beginning to see a pattern.
Why don't you go to sleep? You're turning into a 170-pound fruitcake.
If I thought I could stop it just by going to sleep, don't you think I'd try? Look.
Close your bulbs and it all goes away.
Two or three hours later, it'll be tomorrow.
And if that gets unbearable, you check out again.
See how it works.
Somebody and it wasn't you or me started this war.
Now who was it? What, did two guys slap each other with gloves and challenge themselves? It isn't Pearl Harbor.
We already had one of those.
L-I gotta find out who started it.
And then what? And then I'll get 'em to call it off.
Hi, Hawkeye.
Get some sleep? - No, thanks.
Not while I'm standing.
- Okay.
As long as you're pretending to be Thomas Edison as a boy, send a telegram.
Oh, sure.
Hold on a second.
Oh, hey what does, uh, "holacast" mean? Nothing.
Not a thing.
But we have a similar word in English which may interest you"holocaust.
" - Yeah? What's that mean? - An immense conflagration.
- Yeah? - A big fire.
What are you reading? "Captain Marvel and His Formfitting Underpants"? Oh, no.
I'm just catching up on my history.
- Oh, war comics, huh? - Yeah.
I knew I shoulda waited for the book.
Oh, World War II.
Lotta nice songs came out of that war.
# I'll be home for Christmas # #You can count on me # You know that song? Uh, no, I guess that was a little before my time.
I remember lying on the rug, listening to them sing that on the radio.
I can still smell the rug.
# Please have snow # #And mistletoe # #And presents # # On the tree ## A lot of very touching songs came out of that war.
#When the fuhrer says we is the master race # #We heil, phtt, heil # # Right in the fuhrer's face ## Oh, right.
I guess you want to send that telegram now.
My very thought, Mercury.
Not a minute to lose.
- Okay, shoot.
- To Harry S.
Truman, the White House.
And copy the Secretary General of the United Nations.
Uh, uh, Dear Harry, Who's responsible? Sign that: Affectionately, a dissatisfied customer.
Wow.
- Come on! Let's go, send it! - All right.
Let me know the minute you get an answer.
[Tapping.]
Hey, Doc.
How they honkin'? I've been looking for you.
Don't go up in your helicopter anymore.
- It's not your fault.
- Huh? You just don't understand the relationship, probably.
When you go up in the air, all your stretchers are empty, right? - Sure.
- Yeah, but see, when you come back, there's always a kid, or a portion of him in one of the stretchers, right? Well, I can't let you do that anymore.
Nobody goes up, nobody gets hurt.
That's very interesting, Doc.
Okay, sure, Doc.
You won't be out of a job.
We can turn your chopper into a flying saloon or a house of ill repute in the sky.
Okay, that's done.
Now I can - get some sleep.
- [Helicopters Approaching.]
I need a 50cc syringe with a 15 needle.
Get him inside right away.
He's got a tension pneumothorax.
We get the air out of his chest, we can save the lung.
Start the I.
V.
With whole blood, stat! [Mclntyre.]
That's good.
Put it right here.
Listen, Pierce.
You were ordered to stand down.
I did, but I fell up again.
Oh, let me see.
Uh, the Lone Ranger.
Very good.
You've gone against orders, Pierce.
Somebody else could have operated.
I asked the kid to sit in the waiting room, but he's read all our magazines.
I'm gonna be frank with you, Pierce.
- You're gonna be frank with me? - I mean blunt.
Oh, that's good.
Otherwise, Frank would try to be Henry with me.
I don't think I could stand that.
Now you pay close attention.
Can you understand what I'm saying? Why? Is there something wrong with your mouth? No, I'm fine.
The problem is you've been on 24-hour call three nights this week.
Three times twenty-four.
Look, Doctor.
No matter what comes in, I'm putting you to bed.
You're the second person to make me that offer.
I must be obvious or something.
Sorry, Henry.
I have to disappoint you.
I just gotta get some sleep.
A message from General Clayton, sir.
He's madder than hell, and he's comin' down here to find out who did it.
- Well, you can hardly blame him.
- Yes, sir.
Coming down here to find out who did what? Someone sent a telegram to President Truman, sir.
A telegram? To President Harry S.
Truman? - That president? - Yes, sir, that's the one.
- Was it dirty? - Oh, no, sir.
All it It just said, "Who's responsible?" Oh.
For what? I don't know, sir.
That's what the general wants to find out.
Well, then he'd better get down here right away.
- Yes, sir, and he's on his way.
- Good thinkin'.
- Thank you, sir.
- Oh.
Better get that garter belt and that other stuff out of my tent.
- Yes, sir.
- Oh, and, uh, do we have enough sherry and ginger ale for the general? - Oh, nobody does, sir.
- Well, fine.
Then, if nobody does, we don't have to.
But make sure we do, in case we don't.
Don't you believe in knocking? No.
If I can't say something nice about somebody - What do you want? - Sorry to bother you, Major.
There's something of major importance I have to discuss with the major.
- Where's Frank? - You mean Major Burns? You sure he's not in here sniffing your dress shields or something? Major Burns is in the mess tent.
You know he gives an orientation lecture every Friday afternoon.
Why, then, are we here? A very good question.
Let me try to answer that question with an answer.
The American presence is present in Korea at the request of the United Nations.
We're here to keep the peace, to keep the enemy back behind the 38th parallel where they came from, or else, they'll spread south, down Korea, turn left, and the next thing we know, they'll be marching down Main Street, U.
S.
A.
There's a great deal I could tell you about this, men, but, uh, the essence of good teaching is to answer questions uppermost in your mind.
Now, just ask anything at all.
Whatever is most uppermost in your minds.
Anyone? Anyone at all.
Anyone who has a question on the topic at hand? Any of the enlisted men who is required to be here that has a question.
Aw, come on, Frank.
I got a question.
- Captain Pierce! - Why are we here? I believe I just explained that, Captain.
No, I mean, what what's the war about? Why What did How did it start? The Communists, Pierce.
And don't try to make fun of this.
This is serious business.
I'm not making fun, Frank.
I'm trying to figure this out.
What Why should North Korea wanna take over America? Is it something we said? Something we didn't say? Let me tell you something, Pierce.
These godless Communists have run their own countries right into the ground, while we've been building the highest standard of living in the world.
Half of these people over here never even saw a bathroom.
And believe you me, they want one.
- They do? - You bet your life they do.
And if they can't get our bathrooms by subversion, they'll get them by war! They can have mine.
I'd be glad to keep my legs crossed until after the war.
That was just a figure of speech.
I can't take your picture now, Radar.
Come back later and we'll get a pony and do it right.
Uh, I've been looking all over for you.
You can even ride the pony when we're finished.
Stick around.
I do beautiful work.
I like that.
It sells.
Pierce, I want you to know you ruined my lecture! It was a disgraceful thing to do.
You're taking a picture of a latrine? Very observant, Frank.
What am I doing now? - What are you doing? - Still taking a picture of a latrine.
It was a trick question.
- He's absolutely blabbering.
- Psst.
May one ask why you are taking a picture of a latrine? Why is North Korea shooting at us? What do we have that they could possibly want? We have guns, they have guns.
We have tanks, they have tanks.
You gave me the clue, Frank.
This war will go down in history as the Battle of the Bathroom.
He's joking.
I'm sending these pictures to the North with an offer and my personal word that we'll stop if they'll stop.
- Somebody oughta put him to bed.
- You too? What is this strange power I have that makes people want to get me to bed? Pierce, return to your tent and get some sleep.
That was a direct order I gave you, Pierce.
Well, he was close.
He's out on my feet.
We gotta do something about Hawkeye, Henry.
He's acting more and more like a like a noodle.
I have my own rear end to worry about.
General Clayton's due here any minute.
Some dodo's been sending telegrams to the president from this camp.
Uh, sir, I can identify the dodo.
- It was Captain Pierce.
- How do you know? - Uh, I sent it.
- Why didn't you tell me? I was only trying to help.
I didn't want him to get into trouble.
Oh, you don't care about me getting in trouble.
You don't need any help.
While we're on the subject of trouble, Henry, I think you should know Hawkeye is planning to send the officers' latrine to North Korea.
- Well, that's very friendly.
- Friendly, sir? Yeah, it's a nice gesture.
But if we send them our latrine, what are we gonna do for one? You can carry friendship, not to mention latrines, a bit far.
What about the general, sir? He must have his own latrine.
A one-star general, surely he's got Henry, Hawkeye's gotta be sedated.
Well, then put him away.
Bomb him! You guys are really gonna help me? - Oh, sure.
- Yeah, we want the war over too, Hawk.
Let others sit idly by, huh? As my grandfather Sparky Pierce used to say, "There are some who do, and some who don't.
" He was doing six months in the New Hampshire License Plate Academy when he said it.
Oh, 3:00 was a very good hour.
- Should we drink to your plan? - To peace.
To peace and the American way of plumbing.
[Burps.]
Gentlemen, it's time to bring tranquility to this troubled peninsula.
- When's he gonna fall down? - I don't know.
Rasputin swallowed a whole drugstore and didn't even belch.
Now wait right here, son.
I'll only be a minute.
Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ah! Uh, sir? Sir! - Sir, don't go in there, General.
- Out of my way, soldier.
Or I'll have you court-martialed for interfering with an officer's bodily functions.
Uh Uh Uh Hawkeye! Don't! Don't! Uh - Hawkeye, don't! - [Engine Starts.]
Sergeant! Get me outta here! Do you know who I am? Let me outta here! Wait a minute! Where are we going? Sergeant! Sergeant! Well, he drove about 500 yards, then the stuff hit him and he lost altitude.
That's your cuckoo stunts.
- Four on the five.
- Oh, yeah.
Taking a general for a ride to North Korea in a latrine.
[Pierce Mumbling.]
Mclntyre, what makes him do these things? He's just unstable.
He took this weird oath as a young man never to just stand around and watch people die.
I took the same oath, pal.
I didn't ask to be here.
Yeah, me neither.
I guess that makes about 80,000 of us.
You know what? If we had any guts, you, me and the Masked Marvel there would take the next latrine out of here and go home.
Put the queen on the king.
The queen on the king.
Let's get these walls cleaned up They look like they need it.
[Radar On P.
A.
.]
Attention.
No wounded are expected for 24 hours.
Surgical personnel are now on conditional stand-down.
- What are you doin'? - Somebody took my patient.
You finished him! Well, where's the next one? Let's go! Deal me another case! I got a winning streak here.
Come on.
Give me a gown! Hey, pal, that's it.
We're all done.
Come on.
Let's get outta here.
[Radar On P.
A.
.]
Attention.
At 1300 hours, Colonel Blake will lecture on the dangers of acne in combat.
I never wanted to get to bed so bad in my whole life.
Wait a second.
I take that back.
There was a nurse in med school.
When I put my ear to her navel, I could hear the ocean.
- Some night.
- Before that, it was some day.
- And before that, it was some night.
- Well, you kept taking all the chest cases like you were their only hope.
Oh, you're right.
I keep forgetting what wonders Mercurochrome can do.
[Jeep Approaches.]
Let's hit the sack.
Hello, bed.
This is Captain Pierce.
Can you hear me? I'm coming in, bed.
[Sighs.]
Morpheus, don't just stand there, I'm yours.
[Helicopter Approaches.]
What's that? What's that I hear? Thunder? Thunder.
Must be thunder.
Avalanche.
They get 'em here in the mountains all the time.
You go to sleep.
I'll put a hold on your rocks till morning.
Hey, you've been carving for 20 straight hours.
Even Albert Schweitzer takes a rest.
You've gone through three shifts of nurses.
Really? And I'm still hungry.
- Sir? - Can't sit down.
We got new wounded.
Well, sir, should I send back those 1941 frozen surplus chicken wings we got? I wouldn't.
They're a lot better than those 1939 surplus hamburger patties.
Come on.
Get smart.
Don't look.
Don't tempt yourself.
Don't worry about me, pal.
I just wanna see what I'll be missing.
- Help me sleep better.
- Pierce, get some sack.
Yeah, I just wanna look.
I won't buy anything.
- Watch it.
- Look out.
That kid's got chest wounds.
I can spot it a mile off.
Terrific.
Your eyes are perfect.
Thanks.
Yours are cute too.
One on each side of your nose, but we can fix that.
- Yeah.
- Go to bed.
Who's gonna put that kid with the surprised look back together? You? You don't know your rectus abdominus from your gluteus maximus.
If I find something in his chest I don't recognize, I'll come and get you, okay? Pierce, you're asleep on your feet.
Wake me when I'm finished.
I don't wanna miss my nap.
[Man.]
Doctor, do you want me to hold that for you? [Pierce.]
Put a clamp on that.
Hold it till I get in there.
[Mclntyre.]
Okay, cut that.
- Henry.
- Yeah.
- What's he doing in here? - Gee, I don't know, Frank.
He's a doctor.
Maybe somebody's sick.
I've been asleep three times while he's gone on operating.
- You know what that means? - Yeah, you're Sleepy.
And I always thought you were Dopey.
You're certainly not Doc.
- Sponge.
- [Chuckles.]
What that means, Colonel, is that this man is probably operating below par.
Nonsense.
I've already had six holes in one.
Get it? "Six holes in one?" Little gallows humor to relieve the tremendous pressure.
- I must have your body.
- [Laughing.]
And you're off both shifts.
I don't wanna see you with a knife in your hand for 48 hours.
Taxi! - Take him home.
- Move it, driver.
There's an extra five in it for you if you get me there fast.
What country is this, sirrah? Do they sleep here? [Nurses Giggling.]
Hark! A herd of nurse.
Or is that gaggle? No, that's geese.
Although, goose and nurse don't go together.
- On the other hand - I think I better get you to bed.
A noble idea.
Any takers? Anybody wanna come to my tent for a drink? We could talk a little doctor.
Or perhaps play some.
Last chance, ladies.
[Blows.]
How do you whistle? It has something to do with the lips, doesn't it? We had a preacher back home who whistled while he preached.
I hope he was run out of town, the filthy hypocrite.
Okay now, let me get you to bed here - and make sure you're comfortable.
- That's what they all say.
- Uh-oh.
- What? What do you hear? [Helicopters Approaching.]
- Slowly I turn, - Hawkeye.
- Step by step, inch by inch.
- Hawk.
Hawk.
Listen.
Let somebody else do these.
You're tired.
[Laughs.]
Radar, you're not a doctor.
You're a layman, if I may use that term so early in the morning.
The human body aside from its other wonders has glands known as the adrenals.
Even as I talk to you, a tiny little man inside me with a golf cap and a pink cashmere sweater is saying to my adrenals, "Okay, fill 'er up.
My oil and water are all right.
" - Really? - Of course, in some people the overproduction of adrenalin can lead to compulsive, even psychotic behavior.
Why are you staring at me like that? - I'm not staring at you.
- It must just be your eyes.
[Helicopters Approaching.]
[Crickets Chirping.]
- What is it? - Wake up.
I thought you were asleep.
Something funny is happening here, and I'm finally beginning to notice it.
For the past couple of days, I've been making some very careful observations.
There's a war going on here.
People walkin' around with guns.
Uniforms.
Dozens of bodies coming in by helicopter.
And without exception, every single one of them is mangled in some way.
Don't you see? It all adds up.
There's guns, uniforms, wounded bodies.
- You figured that out, huh? - I'm beginning to see a pattern.
Why don't you go to sleep? You're turning into a 170-pound fruitcake.
If I thought I could stop it just by going to sleep, don't you think I'd try? Look.
Close your bulbs and it all goes away.
Two or three hours later, it'll be tomorrow.
And if that gets unbearable, you check out again.
See how it works.
Somebody and it wasn't you or me started this war.
Now who was it? What, did two guys slap each other with gloves and challenge themselves? It isn't Pearl Harbor.
We already had one of those.
L-I gotta find out who started it.
And then what? And then I'll get 'em to call it off.
Hi, Hawkeye.
Get some sleep? - No, thanks.
Not while I'm standing.
- Okay.
As long as you're pretending to be Thomas Edison as a boy, send a telegram.
Oh, sure.
Hold on a second.
Oh, hey what does, uh, "holacast" mean? Nothing.
Not a thing.
But we have a similar word in English which may interest you"holocaust.
" - Yeah? What's that mean? - An immense conflagration.
- Yeah? - A big fire.
What are you reading? "Captain Marvel and His Formfitting Underpants"? Oh, no.
I'm just catching up on my history.
- Oh, war comics, huh? - Yeah.
I knew I shoulda waited for the book.
Oh, World War II.
Lotta nice songs came out of that war.
# I'll be home for Christmas # #You can count on me # You know that song? Uh, no, I guess that was a little before my time.
I remember lying on the rug, listening to them sing that on the radio.
I can still smell the rug.
# Please have snow # #And mistletoe # #And presents # # On the tree ## A lot of very touching songs came out of that war.
#When the fuhrer says we is the master race # #We heil, phtt, heil # # Right in the fuhrer's face ## Oh, right.
I guess you want to send that telegram now.
My very thought, Mercury.
Not a minute to lose.
- Okay, shoot.
- To Harry S.
Truman, the White House.
And copy the Secretary General of the United Nations.
Uh, uh, Dear Harry, Who's responsible? Sign that: Affectionately, a dissatisfied customer.
Wow.
- Come on! Let's go, send it! - All right.
Let me know the minute you get an answer.
[Tapping.]
Hey, Doc.
How they honkin'? I've been looking for you.
Don't go up in your helicopter anymore.
- It's not your fault.
- Huh? You just don't understand the relationship, probably.
When you go up in the air, all your stretchers are empty, right? - Sure.
- Yeah, but see, when you come back, there's always a kid, or a portion of him in one of the stretchers, right? Well, I can't let you do that anymore.
Nobody goes up, nobody gets hurt.
That's very interesting, Doc.
Okay, sure, Doc.
You won't be out of a job.
We can turn your chopper into a flying saloon or a house of ill repute in the sky.
Okay, that's done.
Now I can - get some sleep.
- [Helicopters Approaching.]
I need a 50cc syringe with a 15 needle.
Get him inside right away.
He's got a tension pneumothorax.
We get the air out of his chest, we can save the lung.
Start the I.
V.
With whole blood, stat! [Mclntyre.]
That's good.
Put it right here.
Listen, Pierce.
You were ordered to stand down.
I did, but I fell up again.
Oh, let me see.
Uh, the Lone Ranger.
Very good.
You've gone against orders, Pierce.
Somebody else could have operated.
I asked the kid to sit in the waiting room, but he's read all our magazines.
I'm gonna be frank with you, Pierce.
- You're gonna be frank with me? - I mean blunt.
Oh, that's good.
Otherwise, Frank would try to be Henry with me.
I don't think I could stand that.
Now you pay close attention.
Can you understand what I'm saying? Why? Is there something wrong with your mouth? No, I'm fine.
The problem is you've been on 24-hour call three nights this week.
Three times twenty-four.
Look, Doctor.
No matter what comes in, I'm putting you to bed.
You're the second person to make me that offer.
I must be obvious or something.
Sorry, Henry.
I have to disappoint you.
I just gotta get some sleep.
A message from General Clayton, sir.
He's madder than hell, and he's comin' down here to find out who did it.
- Well, you can hardly blame him.
- Yes, sir.
Coming down here to find out who did what? Someone sent a telegram to President Truman, sir.
A telegram? To President Harry S.
Truman? - That president? - Yes, sir, that's the one.
- Was it dirty? - Oh, no, sir.
All it It just said, "Who's responsible?" Oh.
For what? I don't know, sir.
That's what the general wants to find out.
Well, then he'd better get down here right away.
- Yes, sir, and he's on his way.
- Good thinkin'.
- Thank you, sir.
- Oh.
Better get that garter belt and that other stuff out of my tent.
- Yes, sir.
- Oh, and, uh, do we have enough sherry and ginger ale for the general? - Oh, nobody does, sir.
- Well, fine.
Then, if nobody does, we don't have to.
But make sure we do, in case we don't.
Don't you believe in knocking? No.
If I can't say something nice about somebody - What do you want? - Sorry to bother you, Major.
There's something of major importance I have to discuss with the major.
- Where's Frank? - You mean Major Burns? You sure he's not in here sniffing your dress shields or something? Major Burns is in the mess tent.
You know he gives an orientation lecture every Friday afternoon.
Why, then, are we here? A very good question.
Let me try to answer that question with an answer.
The American presence is present in Korea at the request of the United Nations.
We're here to keep the peace, to keep the enemy back behind the 38th parallel where they came from, or else, they'll spread south, down Korea, turn left, and the next thing we know, they'll be marching down Main Street, U.
S.
A.
There's a great deal I could tell you about this, men, but, uh, the essence of good teaching is to answer questions uppermost in your mind.
Now, just ask anything at all.
Whatever is most uppermost in your minds.
Anyone? Anyone at all.
Anyone who has a question on the topic at hand? Any of the enlisted men who is required to be here that has a question.
Aw, come on, Frank.
I got a question.
- Captain Pierce! - Why are we here? I believe I just explained that, Captain.
No, I mean, what what's the war about? Why What did How did it start? The Communists, Pierce.
And don't try to make fun of this.
This is serious business.
I'm not making fun, Frank.
I'm trying to figure this out.
What Why should North Korea wanna take over America? Is it something we said? Something we didn't say? Let me tell you something, Pierce.
These godless Communists have run their own countries right into the ground, while we've been building the highest standard of living in the world.
Half of these people over here never even saw a bathroom.
And believe you me, they want one.
- They do? - You bet your life they do.
And if they can't get our bathrooms by subversion, they'll get them by war! They can have mine.
I'd be glad to keep my legs crossed until after the war.
That was just a figure of speech.
I can't take your picture now, Radar.
Come back later and we'll get a pony and do it right.
Uh, I've been looking all over for you.
You can even ride the pony when we're finished.
Stick around.
I do beautiful work.
I like that.
It sells.
Pierce, I want you to know you ruined my lecture! It was a disgraceful thing to do.
You're taking a picture of a latrine? Very observant, Frank.
What am I doing now? - What are you doing? - Still taking a picture of a latrine.
It was a trick question.
- He's absolutely blabbering.
- Psst.
May one ask why you are taking a picture of a latrine? Why is North Korea shooting at us? What do we have that they could possibly want? We have guns, they have guns.
We have tanks, they have tanks.
You gave me the clue, Frank.
This war will go down in history as the Battle of the Bathroom.
He's joking.
I'm sending these pictures to the North with an offer and my personal word that we'll stop if they'll stop.
- Somebody oughta put him to bed.
- You too? What is this strange power I have that makes people want to get me to bed? Pierce, return to your tent and get some sleep.
That was a direct order I gave you, Pierce.
Well, he was close.
He's out on my feet.
We gotta do something about Hawkeye, Henry.
He's acting more and more like a like a noodle.
I have my own rear end to worry about.
General Clayton's due here any minute.
Some dodo's been sending telegrams to the president from this camp.
Uh, sir, I can identify the dodo.
- It was Captain Pierce.
- How do you know? - Uh, I sent it.
- Why didn't you tell me? I was only trying to help.
I didn't want him to get into trouble.
Oh, you don't care about me getting in trouble.
You don't need any help.
While we're on the subject of trouble, Henry, I think you should know Hawkeye is planning to send the officers' latrine to North Korea.
- Well, that's very friendly.
- Friendly, sir? Yeah, it's a nice gesture.
But if we send them our latrine, what are we gonna do for one? You can carry friendship, not to mention latrines, a bit far.
What about the general, sir? He must have his own latrine.
A one-star general, surely he's got Henry, Hawkeye's gotta be sedated.
Well, then put him away.
Bomb him! You guys are really gonna help me? - Oh, sure.
- Yeah, we want the war over too, Hawk.
Let others sit idly by, huh? As my grandfather Sparky Pierce used to say, "There are some who do, and some who don't.
" He was doing six months in the New Hampshire License Plate Academy when he said it.
Oh, 3:00 was a very good hour.
- Should we drink to your plan? - To peace.
To peace and the American way of plumbing.
[Burps.]
Gentlemen, it's time to bring tranquility to this troubled peninsula.
- When's he gonna fall down? - I don't know.
Rasputin swallowed a whole drugstore and didn't even belch.
Now wait right here, son.
I'll only be a minute.
Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ah! Uh, sir? Sir! - Sir, don't go in there, General.
- Out of my way, soldier.
Or I'll have you court-martialed for interfering with an officer's bodily functions.
Uh Uh Uh Hawkeye! Don't! Don't! Uh - Hawkeye, don't! - [Engine Starts.]
Sergeant! Get me outta here! Do you know who I am? Let me outta here! Wait a minute! Where are we going? Sergeant! Sergeant! Well, he drove about 500 yards, then the stuff hit him and he lost altitude.
That's your cuckoo stunts.
- Four on the five.
- Oh, yeah.
Taking a general for a ride to North Korea in a latrine.
[Pierce Mumbling.]
Mclntyre, what makes him do these things? He's just unstable.
He took this weird oath as a young man never to just stand around and watch people die.
I took the same oath, pal.
I didn't ask to be here.
Yeah, me neither.
I guess that makes about 80,000 of us.
You know what? If we had any guts, you, me and the Masked Marvel there would take the next latrine out of here and go home.
Put the queen on the king.
The queen on the king.