Melissa & Joey s02e05 Episode Script

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
We can't do it, mom.
We'll never beat those guys.
Well, Cody, you've got something that big-city team doesn't have- You've got a whole town that believes in you.
- I believe in you, Cody.
- Tissue? - No.
Yo, not much.
Just watching a movie.
Nah, it's pretty lame.
- Shh! - How many calls is this guy gonna take? Someone should shove that phone down his throat.
- It'd be my pleasure.
- No, Joe.
Look, I'd like to deck him too, but we can't in front of the kids.
- Yeah, well- - Damn it.
Why did we bring the kids? Kids ruin everything.
We can hear you, you know.
So you saw this one? Oh my God.
The kid loses the big game? Someone has to talk to this guy.
I'm gonna talk to him with Mr.
Chuck and Mr.
Norris.
Joe, we have to set a good example.
- Since when? - I read this in a magazine about controlling your temper.
It was a dog magazine, but the same principle applies.
So how's your brother? Is he still a douche? Oh, go get an usher.
I'll be right back.
- Nah, I got time.
- Hey, you are making it really hard for me to watch this movie.
You know what's making it hard for me to watch this movie? This beanpole freak of nature here blocking my view.
You did not touch him! - I think I did.
- No, you don't touch him.
Or what? Or I will get the manager.
You go do that, blondielocks.
You go do that.
We're good.
He's quieted down.
It's all good all good as far as I can see it's all good all good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - Allright I guess you're stuck with me.
Morning, Mel.
I was just gonna beat these eggs, but I figure you might wanna do it, 'cause one punch- boom- omelet.
Let's get ready to scramble! Okay, if this is about last night, I totally regret my actions.
That punch was not who I am.
What, are you more of an ear-biter? You know what's so great about what happened last night, Councilwoman? After months of you calling me a hothead, who's the one who decks in the movie theater? Hold on, let me savor this deliciousness.
You.
You know why? Because you are just like me.
Ha! I am nothing like you.
You know, sometimes even a rational person can be pushed to a point, for instance, when her cub is threatened.
Cub? This kid is like 8 feet tall.
- You really wanna poke the mama bear? - ? Can we just move on? I don't want this to define me, you know? Would you wanna be known only as the guy who worked for that company that swindled people outonly as of billions of dollars? That is all I'm known for.
Hey, Aunt Mel, look.
Somebody shot video of you at the movie theater last night.
- You've gone viral.
- Oh.
"Blonde decks cellphone guy.
Who is this hot-headed hottie?" You're not gonna let someone else take credit for that, are you? Yes, I am.
The Internet and I are already very well acquainted.
That's for sure.
Whatever you do, do not Google "Ohio senator's daughter flashes world" stepping out of a limo in a short skirt.
" Hey, it was laundry day.
You did a lot of laundry back then.
Harper, this is not a good time for a meeting.
We had an appointment.
Hey, you're lucky I showed up.
My ovary's the size of a baseball.
- So no donut holes for me.
- The news is bad, Mel- - poop-hitting-the-fan bad.
- Well, what was I supposed to do? He threatened me and my entire family.
What the hell are you talking about? What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about the polling research.
As am I.
I am here to get you re-elected.
Do you see this line here? Like my estrogen, you are trending down.
You just don't have a strong enough brand.
that you're that perky weather girl who's banging the mayor.
- Uck! I would never.
- Uck all you want, but people know who she is.
And it wouldn't kill you to wear a push-up bra.
Wait, 4% of people think Mel Burke is a city in Australia? People don't know who you are or they just don't see you at all.
Where's Mel? I don't see Mel.
Oh.
There you are.
Someone just sent this to me.
Is this you coldcocking a guy at the movies? - Not now, not now.
- Oh, this is what you're trying to cover up? I lost my head, okay? This is not who I am.
I'm a negotiator, a consensus maker.
This video makes me look like a short, white, female Mike Tyson.
No no no, this is sick.
I love it.
You know, voters always worry that a woman in public office isn't tough enough, that she can't handle a fight.
I can totally spin this like a dreidel.
Well, how are you gonna make assault and battery seem reasonable and rational? Like this: "Finally someone has the big, blonde cojones "to deal with one of those movie-theater jerks.
"Three cheers for Councilwoman Mel Burke.
" - Whoa! What are you, insane? - Oh, for sure.
And from now on, you're gonna be known as fighter for the little people.
- Yay, little people! - Yeah.
Okay, look, Harper, I know you've turned around a lot of campaigns I never lose.
And don't you feel the same way that I do, other unbiased citizen? Yes.
Boy, do I.
Well, then let your voice be heard in the comment section right there.
"Battling Burke sure gets my vote.
" Who says women can't dish it out? Not me, because fundamentally- - Send.
Send, Stephanie.
- Whoa whoa, wait wait wait wait.
Are we sure this is the smartest strategy? Maybe we should all just take a breath here.
Sure, after you press "send.
" Now we can all breathe.
Not yet.
Wow, I recognize that burrito from my old school.
I heard it got pregnant and dropped out.
Whatever, I'm hungry.
Creepy new girl Hester eats by herself at that table every single day.
What makes you think she's creepy? Her general creepitude.
She never talks to anybody.
She just scribbles in her little book and eats walnuts- - nothing but walnuts.
- She's just new.
I was new last year.
It's hard.
Yeah, I remember.
I hated you last year.
Hey, one person can make a difference.
It's Hester, right? This may be a few weeks late, but welcome to Grant High School.
- Who are you? - Oh.
I'm your new friend- Lennox Scanlon.
You wanna share an unwed burrito from the '90s? Amazing- This could move my commando picture to the second page of my Google search If such photos existed.
Oh, here's another one.
"God bless battling Mel Burke for making our movie theaters safe again.
And how great is her hair?" Even in a brawl it holds its curl.
- The public has spoken.
- Bye-bye, weak polling data.
- And hello second term.
- Yes.
Thanks for coming over to my house.
Well, you didn't leave me much choice.
Yeah, but this'll be fun.
I mean a new friend? How great is that? 'Cause you and I have so much in common.
You have colitis too? No, I mean I write all the time and I see you writing.
You know, you and me, us writers- we both have words just exploding out of us, right? You sure do.
Can I get you something to eat? I know you like walnuts.
We even have pistachios if you wanna go nuts.
How long is this playdate supposed to last? Hey, Lennox.
Hey, Lennox's friend.
I'm not technically her friend.
But I'm working on it.
Apparently I'm her project.
She's entering me in the science fair.
No.
No.
It's just a little back-and-forth thing we do.
You know, she's the dry one, I'm the goofy one.
Anyway, Hester, this is Joe and he and I are gonna - get you that snack.
- Okay.
- We're gonna go over- - Yeah.
Wow, she's a happy one.
I invited her over because she's new.
To what, the human race? Okay, I was new last year.
I had a hard time fitting in, and I'm gonna do for her what someone should've done for me.
Get her a personality transplant? Make her a friend.
Bring her out of her shell.
You don't understand, Joe.
She's me.
Yeah, it's like looking in a mirror.
- Hey.
- Hey there.
Oh, so tell me- any backlash today from the two-fisted justice you dispensed in the movie theater last night? No, it did not come up.
Great, so you can just put it behind you, - pretend like it never happened.
- Exactly my plan.
Nice.
Nice.
Oh, on a totally unrelated matter, these drawings of you wearing boxing gloves were faxed over from your office today.
I like this concept four here the best, 'cause I think it truly captures the bloodlust.
Well, how do you even know those are me? Well, because it says "Battling Burke.
" It's just a little idea my campaign consultant had.
- For a mailer.
It's a metaphor.
- Metaphor? Is that the new, hip term for "you're kidding yourself"? Joe, the video went viral.
At least now we're in control of the message.
I wasn't so sure this morning, but this is turning out to be a very good day.
This might've been the worst day ever.
Well, it didn't have anything to do with my bada-bing, did it? Oh, it had everything to do with your bada-bing.
To everyone on earth with a computer or phone, I'm the big weenie whose little blonde aunt had to defend him in the movie theater.
Oh, don't worry about that, buddy.
All the kids are gonna forget about that as soon as this whole Internet fad is over.
And this one Donnie Keaton, would not let it go, and I was with Holly.
Dude dissed me in front of my woman.
And you just walked away, right? No, I told him to knock it off and then- - then he challenged me to a fight.
- And then you walked away? I couldn't do that.
I was with Holly.
- I have a reputation.
- No, I don't think you do, bud.
Ryder, you do know that fighting is the wrong way to resolve an issue? What, so if he hits me, I just don't hit back? Now wouldn't that be a powerful statement? Think about it.
Hey, Harper.
Yeah, I'm looking at the concepts now.
Hey, what do you think about pink boxing gloves? - Okay, Joe, you gotta help me.
- No, man.
There's no way I'm teaching you how to fight.
- Aunt Mel wouldn't have to know.
- Yes, Ryder, but I would know.
I'm just kidding, man.
Oh yeah, who's the weenie now, huh? Not me.
My nanny's teaching me how to fight.
So is it true that most bullies are just talk? No, they can kick some serious ass.
All right, are you ready? Here we go.
- I'm coming at you.
- Oh, dude.
- Ow.
- Ow? You're supposed to block.
That was the strategy, remember? You're just gonna let this bully punch himself out.
How do you know so much about boxing? Because in my neighborhood, you had to learn how to defend yourself.
I took out many a bully twice my size.
- So your dad taught you? - No, my mom And my Aunt Cecilia.
Yeah, you did not want to mess with those ladies.
All right, here we go.
Punch, let's go.
One, two - Joe.
Oh hey, hi.
We're not doing anything.
Beat each other senseless.
I don't care.
I'm looking for my notebook- the spiral one with all my English lit notes in it? Here, hold these.
I'll be right back.
It was right here on the table when you were working here with, um- what's her name? Beetlejuice.
Her name is Hester.
Oh, well, then just borrow Hester's notes.
She didn't take any.
She's having a really hard time adjusting to a new school.
No one even talks to her.
Well, except for me because I'm a good person.
Well, good person, since you took notes and she didn't take any I think you got yourself a thief.
Looks like Hester is a heister.
What's your evidence? Um, she was over here, she looks creepy- she did it.
Everyone is innocent until proven guilty.
Oh, sweetie, that's just an expression.
I would bet it's in that big, ratty backpack of hers.
Well, there's no way to verify your wild, paranoid theory.
You're right.
It'd be impossible to find it unless we get her back over here and go through it.
Fine, I will do that.
Just to prove how wrong you are.
You know what, Lennox? I thought I was wrong once.
Turns out I was mistaken.
We need to go.
You're due at the Armory.
You'll speak, shake some hands and then we'll head over to the athletic club.
You're booked solid for the next week.
- Everybody loves Battling Burke.
- You know, I gotta say at first I wasn't so sure, but this is kinda fun.
It says "express line," "eight items or less.
" You've got I'm already here.
What's the big whoop? It's people like you that ruin it for everybody else.
Hey, it's Mel Burke.
Battlin' Burke! Hey.
Mel, Mel, look what this guy's doing.
- It's injustice! - Well, it's not exactly injustice.
It's just maybe a little annoying.
Come on, punch him out like in the video.
Okay, come on, everybody.
Is violence really the way to solve this? - Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
- Yeah.
Sir, can we just talk about this? You did it.
Justice! Another evil-doer put in his place by Battling Burke! Burke! Burke! Burke! Burke! Burke! Refill your ice tea there, Hester? Fourth one's the charm.
No, I can't drink any more.
- Where's your bathroom? - Top of the stairs to the left.
- Clear.
- That took a lot more ice tea than I thought.
I know, she must have a huge bladder.
All right, let's see what's in here.
Here we- uck.
All right, what do we got? We got a sweater, book, - shrunken head- - You're kidding.
Yes, I am.
It's an avocado.
Wait a minute, what- what's this? - Oh, that look familiar? - Oh my gosh, - that's my notebook.
- Shocker.
- What are you doing? - You stole my notebook.
- How could you do that to me? - I don't know.
You were offering me nuts and stuff - and so I figured- - That my notebook was up for grabs too? I guess, yeah.
So am I really the first person to tell you that stealing is wrong? The first person to spit when she said it.
Okay, let me give you the whole rundown of how life works.
Don't steal.
Be nice to people.
- Smile every once in a while.
- All right, easy, girl.
And, you know, there are other foods in the world besides walnuts.
Return kindness when kindness is offered to you, - and I was fricking kind to you.
- You're spitting again.
I mean, seriously, didn't you ever go to kindergarten? I think I should go.
Your notes weren't even that good.
Oh! Well, you know how I said that we're so much alike? I was wrong.
You're nothing like me.
I am a sweet, wonderful person who gives and gives and gives! - Hoo! - Come back and see us again, Hester.
I can't believe it.
After everything I did for her.
Yeah.
Oh, that's the look you give Aunt Mel.
That's the I-told- you-so look.
Lennox, you actually think I like being right all the time? Well, I do.
So I take one step towards him and he tears out of the door.
And everybody's yelling "Burke him!" Look at you, girl- you're a verb.
I like it.
"Out of my way, you dumb bastard, or I'll burke ya.
" Now that's branding.
Come here.
Stand over here.
- Okay.
- Hey, Harper, I'm sorry I ever questioned you.
Now you know better.
Okay, let's get you re-elected.
Now do this.
Give me your killer look.
Maybe your other killer look.
Mmm, maybe just smile.
Hey, awesome day, best day ever.
Ryder! Oh my gosh, what happened to your lip? So Donnie Keaton ambushes me after 4th period - That's terrible.
- And, Joe, Joe, your strategy worked.
Donnie punched and punched, and I ducked and dodged and waited for my opening and then I burked him.
- Yes.
- You burked him? See? It's catching on.
I'm making T-shirts, getting my graphics guy on it right now.
Way to go, buddy.
I gotta call my mom and let her know, 'cause it's her move.
Well, hers and, um, Muhammad Ali's.
Whoa whoa, you fought him? You know, that's not the way you settle a disagreement.
Oh, stop it, Burke.
You're proud as hell.
You know how I know that? Because I'm proud and you are just like me.
- I am nothing like you.
- Sure you are.
You pretend to be all civilized, but at the end of the day when push comes to shove, you shove.
Is this Ryder Scanlon's house? Who's asking? Who's responsible for the thug that beat up my son Donny? The person wearing the boxing gloves.
Look, I'm not looking for a fight.
How would you like a little taste of what my son got today? Whoa whoa, lady, lady.
Let's just all be civilized here, okay? Put these on.
No no no no.
You know what? No more fighting.
We are done behaving like animals.
Ryder, what I did in the movie theater was wrong, what you did to Donnie was wrong and what Donnie did to Ryder was wrong.
What kind of message are we sending our kids? I don't know- that one? Yeah, well, Mel Burke is rebranding.
I am taking off the gloves, now and forever.
Maybe not right now, but as soon as I find a saw.
Okay, look, here's what I think we should do- I'm gonna spend some time with my nephew, I think you should go home and look after your son.
Yeah, maybe that's a good idea.
I will.
I think we're both sorry about what happened here.
You look familiar.
Are you that weather girl on Channel 5? I am.
Smart move not fighting her, Burke.
I don't think you were quite in her weight class.
Ryder, go put some ice on that.
I'll be in the kitchen in a minute.
I hope it leaves a scar.
Chicks dig scars.
Yeah, they do.
Hey, it's time to retire Battling Burke.
All right, all right, but before we do that- a moment ago when she was shoving you, there wasn't something deep down inside where you just wanted to pop her back? No, not pop her.
- Bitch slap her.
- See, that what I'm talking about.
Everybody's got an aggressive streak.
It's just how you channel it.
It's how you work it out.
Tell you what- let's work a little of your aggression out right here, okay? Gimme a good one.
Come on.
Nice nice nice nice.
Okay, now- wait wait.
Try to pop me right here.
- I don't wanna.
- Come on, you can do it.
Let's go.
Come on.
Let's go.
Come on.
Are you kidding me? This is stupid.
I've got no more fight left.
- I give up.
- Okay.
Ha! You got burked.
So, flying solo today, uh? Where's your uhm sweet, psychotic friend? She got back to the mother ship? Hester has actually cleaned up her act.
She says hello to people at lunch, she smiles once in a while, she's even trying other nuts.
Wow, so you like berated her into being a better person.
I did.
Just like I said I would.
Oh Jeez, I know that look.
That's the look I get from your aunt all the time when she thinks she's been right all along.
And you don't like that look.
No you know, kind of used to it.