Mid Morning Matters with Alan Partridge (2010) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Look after the pennies and the pounds look after themselves.
That was the magnificent Gary Barlow.
Now, you may have noticed, uh, today's show has a more relaxing vibe than usual.
It's mellow.
Yes, like warm Nesquik.
Uh, like Sade fast asleep on a Lilo.
That's because today we're stress busting with a special show designed to soothe and relax.
Calm down.
Take it easy.
Chill.
Shush now.
Come on.
Because we all face stresses don't we, Alan? From large stresses like having to defuse an IED, wearing mittens in a crèche Uh, well, to the stress I sense in you, Simon, when you're on the phone to your girlfriend saying, "I know.
"I know.
"I know.
I know.
- "I know.
" - Do I do that? Yeah, and furtive glances, yeah? Bit of advice for you, a little bit of advice.
Let them Let them talk themselves to a standstill, tell them they're amazing, then slowly replace the receiver.
So, not dissimilar to defusing a bomb.
Precisely, except when a woman goes off in your face, it's devastating.
- Cut the wrong wire, boom! - Well, cut the right wire, boom.
Well, yeah, yeah! Remember the other day I thought to myself, men and women are so different, it's like we're from different planets.
Well, they say don't they, men are from Mars and Women are from moon.
- The moon.
- Yeah.
Erm, so stay with us, as we take our foot off the loud pedal, slow things right down, and play only the most caramel of music, and Chill out.
This is Traffic and Travel.
Traffic and Travel, sponsored by Castrol.
Roger, from King's Lynn, emails to say, "I relax by driving 50 miles to an out-of-town Asda, "where I wander the aisles dressed as a sexy woman.
"As I sashay around the store, "I can hear people whisper, 'Who the hell is that sexy woman?"' The time is ten and a half o'clock.
Coming up, some of you will see, but most of you will hear, my receiving a massage.
Never been done before, live on air.
Mmm, and, uh, do you normally receive massages, Alan? I don't normally.
Although, when I went to India, I had three in one week.
- Mmm.
- Uh, one was with hot rocks.
What were the other guys called? Uh Hey, you! Okay, we have actually tweaked, uh, some of the jingles to make them more chilled out.
That's all right? Sorry, that was a bit sinister.
Can you get one of, um, - Suffolk? - I think this is just a Generic shirt.
I don't think it's - I don't think it's even real places.
- Oh, they're real places.
This would have been a branch line along here.
This is just a footpath now, I've walked it myself.
There should be a barn here somewhere, can you just push your stomach out? There it is.
- Did you, did you enjoy India? - I I loved it.
One of the best poor countries I've ever been to.
Right, and would you say, did you find enlightenment? I did.
I mean, some people describe it as being like a thunder clap, but for me it was more like the sound of, erm, Microsoft Windows opening up.
- It's an amazing place.
I went to India.
- Yeah, yeah.
Now, though, some music from the artist formerly known as the Artist Formerly Known As Prince, now known formally and informally as Prince.
Sorry, it's Yazoo, I mean Yaz.
Douglas in North Creake.
- Hello, Douglas.
- How do you relax? Alan, uh, I just sit around in my underpants.
Like Buddha.
Ha, yeah, except thinner.
That Buddha looks like he puts too much "Buddha" on his crumpets.
- Not bad.
- Terrible.
Terrible.
- He's after your job.
- Can I send in some sketches? - No.
- I'm sorry, Douglas, we We only accept skits.
- What's the differ He's right about Buddha, though.
I mean, any wisdom from a man who looks like he's on the cusp of type II diabetes, I'd take with a pinch of salt.
Yes, something else he should probably avoid It's 11:34.
He's wise, but not about his calorie intake.
Then again, intelligence and physical wellbeing don't always go together.
Uh, come down my gym and you'd meet a lot of people who were both fit and thick.
Yes.
Although, in Buddhist countries, being overweight is often seen as a sign of success and well-being.
- And in this country.
Eamonn Holmes.
- Yes.
Eamonn Holmes! You can imagine, uh, Eamonn, can't you, uh, sprayed gold, sitting on a big throne, in his underpants.
Yes, I think he did that for his 40th.
- Beverly in Briston? - Hello, Alan.
You can find enlightenment in the most unlikely of places.
I found it, would you believe, on the top deck of a bus.
And people say, "How?" Thanks, Beverly.
Couldn't agree more.
It's never where you think it is.
No, no, doesn't stop people looking though.
Nope.
Noel Edmonds? - Yeah.
- He's never found it.
And he never will, never will.
He is so jealous of anyone who's had an enlightening experience.
He's been trying to buy it for years.
Met all the gurus - Yes.
Yes.
- Bought all the books.
What he doesn't realise is that he won't find it Until he stops looking for it.
Bingo.
And then, there'll come a knock on the door in the shape of a vagabond, perhaps wanting somewhere to rest his weary head, or have a bowl of soup on a cold winter's eve.
And, over the broth, uh, he and the tramp will exchange a few kind words and therein will lie the wisdom that Noel's been seeking.
The tragedy is, of course, that if a vagabond does knock on his door, Noel will simply hit the panic button and retreat to the strong room as steel shutters come down over all the windows.
And the confused tramp is led away by a man with a walkie-talkie.
And talking of lonely people, here is Eleanor Rigby by Beatles.
I just realised I've been, um, slagging off Buddhists.
Might get a Might get a fatwa on our heads.
They They're not Muslims.
- Ah, yes of course.
Yeah, sorry.
- These are Buddhists.
- Buddhists can't do anything.
Yeah.
- Right.
You can punch a Buddhist and they can't punch back.
Great.
Yeah, that's like, uh, Mickey Mouse at Euro Disney.
Although, if he gets you in the car park afterwards, he will leather you.
Chill.
Shush now.
Come on.
Welcome back, and if you've just joined us, I am about to be massaged live on air, in what I believe, is a radio first.
Well, Dave Clifton did do it last week.
- Did he? - Sort of.
He had a shoulder rub from the weather girl.
- What the new one? With the hair? - No, Samantha.
Oh, right, fine.
No, seriously, you must have had a few free massages in your time.
You used to work at Television Centre.
What do you mean by that? I just You know - Seriously, what - No, just joking about the - Well, say it.
- Say what? Operation Yewtree.
That's what you meant.
All right, let's use this as an opportunity to clear things up.
I have only I, I, I The only thing I have ever done, which could be seen by someone with a twisted perspective, as an historic sex offence, is Chase three members of Pan's People around Television Centre, in my underpants, uh, with them hooked over my shoulder for comic effect.
As soon as I realised one of them was crying, I took that as a statement of cease and desist.
I I took the underpants off my shoulders, but I stretched them so much they'd lost their elasticity, so I had to hold them like a wheelbarrow, whilst I looked for my trousers, which I'd lost in the - Melee? - In the melee.
Um Er, in the end, I had to hook them back over my shoulders to free up my hands.
I've still got the pants, er, in my garage, I use them as a rag to check the oil, you know.
- Can I have a glass of water, please? - Yes, of course you can.
Thank you.
Heather has told me that a good masseuse should have hands that are both tender, yet powerful, and I can vouch that her hands would be equally at home cradling a winged bird, or hammering sheet metal in a yard.
Ow! I get a bit, er I get a bit knotted at the start of the month, when the direct debits are going out.
Ooh.
- That's a sports injury.
- Wow, which sport? Er, I was doing forward rolls.
- At speed.
- You mean roly-polys? It's a standard SAS, er, energy dissipation technique.
I'd love to see you call it a roly-poly in front of Andy McNab.
He'd knock you out.
Yeah, it was a Rotary Club barbecue at my best friend Jon Boyd's house.
The usual story.
Me and some of the guys, er, round the barbecue, talking about property prices, girls inside making the salad.
And you started doing your roly-polys? And I started demonstrating the tuck-and-roll technique, er, but, uh, Jon's got quite a small garden because he's not done very well in his career, and, er, I went headlong into the weighted base of a parasol.
Oh, God.
What, one of the metal things? Er, no, it was a plastic one filled with water.
As I say, he's not done very well in his career.
- Ouch.
Sounds painful.
- Yeah, well, I dislocated my shoulder but, erm, I just shut my eyes and let my body go into shock.
You're listening to a Mid Morning massa - Can you try to keep your head down? - All right, I've got to do the ident.
It always reminds me of being born, when I put my head through a hole.
Uh Bit hard to swallow.
We should place a spittoon down there! Seriously, though, is there a mug or something? Yeah, I'll pop mine down.
So, how you feeling? Alan? Oh, uh, very good, I've always been very good at letting the stress, - you know, fade away - Yep.
Which is why a lot of people hate me.
But I just say, let them hate me.
Yes.
Let that be their burden.
Very wise.
Let them get cancer.
Getting quite jealous here.
Alan? Alan? Tomorrow, Alan will be asking you to join his campaign against the one-pound deposit for supermarket trollies.
Uh, Alan's three solutions are Abolish, chip and PIN, or retina scan.
Have to put on something, quick.
Oh, sorry! I was having a dream.
Sorry about that, I was, uh, just dreaming I was walking along the Appalachian trail Mmm-hmm.
- I got caught in a thunderstorm, and we had to find shelter in an abandoned log cabin.
So, who were you walking with? - Uh, just me.
- Mmm-hmm.
Just me and, uh, Julia Bradbury.
We've been contacted by a spokesperson for Noel Edmonds, who has asked us to point out that Mr Edmonds has been a successful broadcaster for almost five decades.
Noel's House Party, 15 million viewers.
A successful businessman, format sold to about 80 countries.
It's, basically, just a list of his achievements.
Um, uh, I do have to read this, "Any views expressed about Noel Edmonds "were those of Alan Partridge, and not the station.
" Yep, totally agree with that.
Uh, "Hope no offence was caused and we wish him well.
" Again, that's the station's view, not mine, I, uh, I don't particularly, er, mind if I caused him a small amount of offence.
And, er, whilst I don't wish him ill, I don't particularly want him to find, um, any peace, if I'm honest.
Uh, now though, a, uh, chill-out compilation I found at a car boot sale.
It's fantastic, this is Glockenspiel Dreams.
So, you haven't quite found inner peace either then, Alan? Uh, well, I think you can find an inner serenity and still hate people.
I mean, I've tried the olive branch.
Er, I complimented him on his blouson leather jacket at Heathrow business lounge, um, and I went to touch it, and he just smacked my hand away and adopted the karate position.
- Ooh.
- I just walked away.
- Did it get tasty? - Nah, nah.
Just - Leave him to it.
- No, he was following me.
I could, er, hear the clip clop of his Cuban heels, like being followed by half a horse.
And on the day that Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge are, of course, about to open the newly refurbished visitor centre at Norwich Castle.
That was the Monks with Nice Legs, Shame About The Face.
A cheeky 1970's novelty pop song that is now generally regarded as being plain hateful to women.
The time is 11:50.
And, uh, Nice Legs, Shame About The Face is not a description you could apply to Kate Middleton.
Oh, no.
Nice ruddy everything.
She is a winner.
She's managed to bring some much-needed mongrel blood to, er, what by anyone's reckoning, Republican or Monarchist, is a pretty stagnant gene pool.
Like a much-needed splash of Worcestershire sauce - in an otherwise - Idiotic broth.
George the III, who suffered from syphilis - Hmm.
- Um, by this time too insane to rule, his son, the Prince Regent, stepped in and, for nine years, ruled the country and effectively saved the monarchy.
Sounds familiar.
The, uh, sidekick running the show.
Oi, you! Boss man there, losing his marbles.
Oi! There's nothing defective about my brain.
- Oh, no.
- I do, I do Shush a minute, I do, uh, three Sudokus a week.
Yeah, but you'll be hearing voices soon, mate.
Yes, I will, saying "Sack your sidekick! "Again.
" Um, if you've just joined us, uh, we're joined by, er, Oxbridge, not sure which one, historical whizz, Clement Rowe.
Clem-ent.
Well, the Regency is one of the most fascinating periods in European history, and I'll tell you why.
Um, across Europe, there was this kind of I like you.
And I'll tell you why.
Because you are, and I mean this phrase in the original sense, full of gay spunk.
Um, it's a pity that that phrase will be, that innocent phrase will be sullied by those people, we know who they are, the sniggerers, the people at the back in class, the smart alecks.
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
Drink deeply or not at all.
Pity the fool.
- That's Mr T.
- Shh.
Have you ever read the wonderful novel, - The Go-Between by L.
P.
Hartley? - Yes.
No.
It opens with this phrase, "The past is a foreign country.
"They do things differently there.
" Hmm.
And, of course, the reverse is true.
I mean, often going to a foreign country is like going to the past, uh, especially if you visit somewhere like, um - Albania.
- Scotland.
Feels like the 50s.
Well, what's so infinitely fascinating about history is that if we fail to learn from it, then we're doomed.
Well, if more people learned from the past, the less likely they are just to repeat the same mistakes - again and again.
- Precisely.
Which is effectively, it's what you just said? - I'm in agreement.
- Yeah, in a manner of speaking.
- Yeah, see, he just said it.
- I'm just agreeing with the guy.
I mean, it's when you think of history like that, as this pool of knowledge, you just want to immerse yourself in it.
For there is a danger, isn't there, that you can get stuck in the past.
I mean, I, uh, have a milkman, for example, who can't stop dressing like a Teddy boy.
Uh, I'm sure if you asked him what was number one in the hit parade, he'd say Great Balls of Fire by Jerry Lee Lewis.
Then he'd look at you and whisper, "Help me.
" Clement Rowe, thank you for coming on the show and sharing with us your dulcet tones.
- He does, he has got a nice voice.
- Yeah.
My Sat Nav could do with a voice like that.
Your Sat Nav could do with a car.
- It's got a car! - He hasn't got a car, he's got an aftermarket device he fitted himself, didn't even take it to a garage, but he's got a point.
Sat nav's have those, sort of, rather seductive female voices that seemed like a good idea at the time, and then there's just the, sort of, very, very subtle, barely detectable creeping notion that you might just be being nagged.
It's like one of those, uh, self-service checkouts at Tescos.
"Unidentified item in bagging area".
"Remove item from bagging area.
"Rescan item.
"Please wait for assistance.
" All right! Shut up! Shut up! Only if you scan the items in a slovenly way.
You know, bag it, scan it, then leave it alone! It's when people continuously fiddle with bagged items while scanning new ones, that the computer quite rightly thinks, "This guy's an asshole.
" Clement, er, final word on history? History is the greatest story one can tell, because it never ends.
Hmm.
Uh, not for me.
Simon and I will be back in an hour because it's time now to hand over to our very own Charlie Moran, who's reporting to us live from the visitors centre.
Hello, Charlie.
I'm here among an already large and steadily-growing crowd of well-wishers I said hello, Charlie! - I beg your pardon.
- Yeah.
- How rude of me! Hello, Alan.
- Yeah, hello.
Erm, now, the balmy spring weather means that there's already almost double the number of well-wishers Sorry, Charlie, just, uh, got to interrupt you there.
Just, sorry, just had a text from Jeff.
Uh, shh, quiet for a second, Jeff who points out in capital letters, that the song Nice Legs Shame About The Face, uh, is not hateful to women, as the lyrics could be easily about a man.
- Uh, brackets, Andrew Marr.
Fair point.
- Does Andrew Marr have good legs? Oh, yes.
Uh, thanks for that, Jeff.
Uh, Charlie, back to you.
Okay, well, I was just saying that Norfolk certainly knows how to welcome the Royals.
Alan? Alan? It says here they're thinking about making Gloucester Street one way.
Alan! Are you fucking with me? No, it says here.
Alan! Don't jerk me around.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Oh, they'd love you in The Hague.
I honestly don't know what you're talking about.
Alan! You are this close.
This close.
One more time.
Alan! That's amazing.
I think it's coming out of your headphones, mate.
Hello? Alan! Jesus Christ.
Shit, the feed's gone down.
That was the Sounds Alive Orchestra, with North Norfolk Digital Station Ident 4.
Let's have it again.
Play again.
There's a laminate, there's a laminate thing.
There's a laminate of what to do, if this happens.
Don't keep doing that, do a different one! There's no news, despite that sting.
This is terrible.
I'm afraid we've lost Charlie, but I've found a vantage point here in the station, from where I can just make out the castle.
I can tell you that in my line of sight are the backs of a dozen excited heads uh, as well as the front of heads, faces of many more.
But, from here, they're not much more than little white blobs.
Any brown ones? Nope.
I'm Not able to provide much more detail at this stage due to the, er, slight frosting of the windows here in the bathroom.
Uh, but I can tell you that the glorious Norwich sunshine is creating a wonderfully dappled effect on the cubicle floor.
And Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, still chatting with the throngs of well-wishers.
Bending over there, showing her lovely Er, rapport with the children.
Er, if you've just joined us we are bringing you live coverage of the royal visit, via footage from the Linkman Media Group website.
- That's an ugly man.
- Oh! He's not shaved.
That, that is an absolute disgrace to have someone that ugly - That's disgusting.
close to royalty.
It's All I can say is that his offensive face stands in stark contrast, - er, to Kate who's looking quite - Beautiful.
Quite, quite radiant today, in a sort of a mint-green dress with two slits up the side.
- Gills.
- Not gills.
They're more, they're air vents, to be fair.
To let air circulate around her royal midriff, flanks and back.
- See, she has such an easy manner.
- It's lovely, isn't it? It's difficult not to just be, er, tranquilised by her Face.
Duchess of Cambridge.
Delightful woman.
You can imagine her appearing in a cereal advert on a sunny veranda, laughing between mouthfuls of Special K.
- Special Kate.
- How true.
Of course, shortly, it will all be a memory, there'll be nothing left to do but tear down the bunting, bin it, and slope off.
William, there, smiling, and his unmistakable big white royal teeth.
I'm sure he goes through a lot of paste.
Anything to add to that? No.
I think we've had enough of that.
And that concludes our, er, live Royal coverage and, er, - what an unforgettable day.
Marvellous.
- Wonderful.
Absolutely wonderful.
What do you think Kate and Wills do when they go home? Oh, I imagine they stagger through the doors - of a large opulent bedroom suite.
- Hmm.
She leans against the double doors as she closes them and says, "Ah, if I get given one more bouquet of flowers, "I think I'll just" And William will say, "You'll just what?" And she'll say, "Oh, I don't know," she'll say, "I'm just tired.
" They'll probably have something to eat, a rice-based dish, or some pasta.
- I mean, William is always ravenous.
- Hmm.
No so much Kate, but she eats what she can.
She's not too thin, is she? God, no.
We don't want to go through all that again.
But these were no ordinary lovers.
For together, one day, they would rule over England, Scotland, Wales, and God willing, the whole of Ireland.
Kate kicked off her shoes, and sat cross-legged on the bed.
She reached for an apple from the bedside table, and chomped into it decisively.
"Would his Royal Highness care to watch a vid?" "If you don't mind, it's Squadron Leader Windsor to you.
" "No way! When?" "Just this morning.
" "Well done, that man", said Kate, saluting him cheekily and giggling.
But William was distracted.
"You miss your mother, don't you?" "Every hour of every day.
"Sometimes, I wish I could just fly that damn Chinook to heaven, "have a chat with my mum, and then fly back to base.
" And with that, he scooped her up in his arms like a big digger.
William sat next to her on the bed, and ran his fingers through her hair.
"Kate," he whispered "you truly are my sleeping beauty.
" He walked towards the window, poured himself a large scotch, and peered out over the kingdom that would one day be his.
He looked back at his slumbering princess, downed the scotch in one, then, loosening his tie, he walks towards the bed.
Here's the theme from Blue Peter.