Monarch Of The Glen (2000) s02e05 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 5
Okay, everyone.
Dunc, we need that fire going.
That's my Savile Row suit.
I wear that! Then you can carry on wearing it, if you don't mind being stuffed and mounted.
Is nothing sacred? People rifling through your wardrobe, valuable early editions going missing.
Archie: What early editions? "Kidnapped," by Robert Louis Stevenson.
Your pen's run out.
( laughs ) Ultraviolet ink.
See? Do try to keep up with technology, Archie.
Since you're determined to open our house to the great unwashed, I'm marking everything that isn't nailed down! It's not the whole house, just this room.
There, what do you think? Ludicrous! Don't you realise the aristocracy needs mystique? The aristocracy needs funds.
Our next grant share depends on this.
We might get away with it.
Come along, out.
Archie: No one goes in here between now and Wednesday.
Then we open the door and take the heritage committee back to the days of our Victorian ancestors.
( falling debris, Duncan coughing ) I think I should have used a bigger sheet.
( theme music playing ) They're casing the joint in broad daylight! Where are the dogs? Come on, boys, get him! Get him! Kill, kill! ( dogs barking ) Hello there.
Honestly.
I'd be better off with a team of gerbils.
Geordie! How wonderful to see you! How are you doing, duchess? Hector, you remember Geordie? Your bookie, yes! Business good, is it? I had to let the roller go.
Ah, but you've still got the shoes! You look like a man in need of refreshment, come along.
In need of a good horsewhipping, if you ask me.
Paintings, costumes, furniture, caked in soot, ruined.
It's not funny, Katrina.
No, sorry, of course not.
I've called in a firm of cleaners, but they can't make it till the end of the week.
We're never going to open in time, and we need that grant.
So you want me to nobble the council? It's not about nobbling the council- what?! You never come to see me unless you need something.
- This tableau was your stupid idea.
- It is not a stupid idea! Who cares about the life of a laird 100 years ago? It's not as if that much has changed for you lot anyway.
Apart from dry rot, death duties and the council tax, no.
My heart bleeds.
I suppose you'd rather I restored a Victorian croft, and set up some twee little scene with a noble son of the soil.
Well, it'd have more relevance than a load of dummies in posh frocks.
Right, fine, okay.
What? I will set up a tableau in a Victorian croft.
In 36 hours? Good luck.
Thank you so much for your help.
Fergal: Katrina? Hiya, boss.
Um, yours.
Picked off the estate? Then they're his.
Is everything okay? The laird just had some council business, but we're finished now, aren't we, Archie? Oh, we are most definitely finished.
Took me ages to find those.
Katrina: sorry.
No, I don't want to go to a rave.
It'll be fun! Two hours in a clapped-out Land Rover? Paying good money to leap around in the mud till my ears bleed? That's not my idea of a dream date.
Ah! But it wouldn't be a date.
It would be two mates out for a good time.
Oh, go on, Lex, what do you say? I say- lose the eyeshadow, it went out in the '80s.
Thank you.
Mmmm! That's the first I've eaten for a while.
Lady luck ran out on me.
Took my worldly possessions with her.
You lost everything on one horse?! Not a horse, no! Turn of the cards.
Not as sharp as I used to be, it seems.
- How very sordid.
- Hector, please.
I had to liquidate my assets pretty quick.
The roller, my premises my I.
O.
U.
's.
Oh, I see.
I had to pass them on, I'm sorry.
You mean you owe this man money?! Oh, no.
Molly's always settled her debts.
He cleaned me out, Molly.
- Who did, exactly? - His name's Murdo.
He owns a nightclub called "The Knave.
" Big poker game at the back.
Big money.
How much money does Molly owe this Mr.
Murdo? We'll come to some arrangement.
I'm sure he's a reasonable man.
Depends what you mean by "reasonable.
" Tell me, where are you staying in the meantime? Here and there.
You don't mean to say you're sleeping in that van? It's surprisingly well appointed- and the views are fabulous.
You must stay here till you're back on your feet.
I wouldn't want to impose on your hospitality.
Aw, what a shame.
Lovely seeing you.
- I insist! - I don't want to be any trouble.
You won't, will he, Hector? If you'll excuse me- I'm just going to count the spoons.
Golly: Now this could be what you want, Archie.
The roof's still on.
The walls are sound.
It's not too far from the road, so the punters won't have to get their feet wet.
Plus the jacuzzi is full of oysters, and the cable TV is on the blink.
Archie: Am I some kind of dinosaur? What? Some grasping feudal tyrant, desperate to bleed the peasants dry? - Why don't you ask Katrina? - Yeah, right.
As if I give a toss about her opinion.
As if I care about anything she says.
What? Oh, methinks the laird doth protest too much.
Look, I couldn't care less about her, and she feels just the same about me.
She'd rather hang out with the wild man of the woods.
- Fergal? Don't think so.
- And he is welcome to her.
In fact, a tenner says they'll get it together by the end of the week.
Archie! I'll throw in a few words of encouragement.
They'll hardly even notice.
Then she'll be out of my hair, once and for all.
She's in your hair, is she? You don't think I can manage it? All right, 20 to your 10.
I'll take the bet.
But believe me, son, you're going to lose.
Archie: In the meantime, all we have to do is transform this - into a tourist attraction.
Ah, well, good luck.
Golly! Listen, son, it's not a ghillie you need.
It's a shrink! I've got beasts to feed.
( bleating ) ( door opens ) Can I help you? I'm looking for a Mr.
Murdo.
And what business do you have with him? My friend Geordie owes him some money.
Go home, doll.
You don't belong here.
Stitches, who's your girlfriend? The name is Molly MacDonald.
I'm a friend of Geordie's.
You're Mrs.
MacDonald? - How do you do? - Hello, what can I do for you? Don't worry about them.
We have no secrets.
I understand that you've taken over Geordie's business? I am administering his accounts, that's correct.
Well, he laid a lot of bets on my behalf.
He was very reluctant to pass on your details.
I understand there's a sum of £4,000 outstanding.
Actually, it's three.
Actually, it was three - last week.
I'm a businessman, Mrs.
MacDonald, I like to encourage prompt repayment.
You will be repaid, I promise.
I don't run the business on promises.
- It's strictly cash only.
- Mr.
Murdo, I am not the sort of person- I don't care what sort of person you are.
Well, surely we can come to some arrangement? Tell you what, you can work in the kitchen, help with the washing up.
Thank you for your time, Mr.
Murdo.
I'll be in touch.
This place stinks.
Yep, it's authentic.
It is possible to overdo the authenticity.
Thanks for mucking in- with the mucking out.
Actually I wanted to pick your brains.
It's pretty lean pickings up there, I'm afraid.
You've known Katrina for quite awhile now, haven't you? Yeah, since we were kids.
Only I need some inside information.
On her likes and dislikes.
Fergal: I want to wow her.
Wow her, or woo her? Wow or woo I think both.
I've got a really good feeling about this, Archie.
I don't want to blow it.
She did not go for those flowers I gave her.
She doesn't like cut flowers- she says she's always waiting for them to die.
She's very fond of trees- poplar, silver birch.
A tree a tree, of course.
I thought you two didn't get on? Whatever gave you that idea? Nothing.
Thanks a lot, Arch.
( distant bagpipes playing ) ( bagpipes grow louder ) ( pipes stop ) Thank you.
Oh, that looks fabulous.
Have you any brown sauce? H.
P.
? I'll go and have a look.
Quite a selection.
Don't they have cutlery in Kilmarnock? - Start from the outside and work in.
- Oh, really? Molly? I'll go and fetch another plate.
Thank you, Lexie.
Where have you been all day? I've been to see Mr.
Murdo.
He wants me to repay him this week.
What's the problem? Pay the man! Hector, it's £4,000! 4,000 poun - ?! How in heaven's name are we going to tell Archie?! Do we have to tell Archie? - Mmm, smells good.
- Ah-! I wish I could say the same about you.
Thank you.
Hello, Geordie, how are you? Oh, I'm fine.
Molly: Geordie's staying with us for a little while.
Archie: Right, good.
Would you like me to hose you down before dinner? No, I can't stay.
I'll just have a sandwich or something, please.
All right, milord.
( sighs ) ( forced laughter ) Everything all right? Splendid, splendid, only we seem to have run out of brown sauce.
That's all right.
I'll make do with ketchup.
Right.
I'll leave you to it.
( sighs ) You're up early.
Got lots to do.
No rest for the lone ranger, eh? Not until Archie's croft is finished, no.
So, what do you do for relaxation, kemosabe? Ride into the village, and show all the girls your six-gun? - I usually read a book.
- Oh, an intellectual.
I like a man with a bulging cortex.
So would you like to go to work on an egg? Thanks.
Maybe Duncan would be up for that.
And what will Tonto be having? Soft-boiled with soldiers? What was all that about? You were coming on to him! And what's that got to do with you? I thought we were just mates? Aye, right, we are- but- I was thinking about asking him to this rave.
What do you think? I mean, speaking as mates? Why not? Go on.
Ask away! What about your soldiers? They're dismissed.
You do not throw these out! Put this in there, and you charge six quid a shot.
Anybody complains, you refer them to Stitches.
Okay? Mr.
Murdo.
Oh, hello.
Bring your marigolds? No, but I've brought you this.
What's it worth? To me, it's priceless.
To you, about £4,000.
Well, let's see what the jeweler says.
Before you take it, I have a proposition to put to you.
You're not just a businessman, are you, Mr.
Murdo? You're an entrepreneur, a risk taker.
I could hand this over, and you could sell it, but where would be the thrill in that? You like cards - let's play poker for it.
Do you know how to play poker? Oh, yes.
It's rather like bridge, isn't it? It's my money.
Why would I want to play cards for it? Mr.
Murdo, anyone would think you lacked- what do you call it- bottle.
Right.
Your house.
Tonight.
My house? Ah his lordship doesn't know about your expensive habits, does he? Shall we say 7:30? Bring some friends if you like, and black tie.
Of course, appearances are so important, aren't they? They certainly are.
Even if you're just selling whiskey.
Why did you agree? I've got nothing to lose.
She's got plenty.
What about furniture? I'll have to fill up a trailer at the house.
- Once we fix the floor.
- And strip the panels.
- And rebuild the fire.
- And paint the place.
This is insane.
Hello.
Oh, great.
That's all we need.
Don't worry, it's not an official inspection.
( sniffs ) Phfaw! Good thing, too.
Hums a bit, doesn't it? Unless, of course, it's you two.
Did you want something? I wanted to see Fergal, actually.
Right, excuse me.
Now somebody planted a silver birch outside my house last night.
Right.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I'll come over straightaway and dig it up.
Stop.
It's beautiful.
How did you know? It reminded me of you, lithe and bright and beautiful.
It's funny, that.
'Cause you remind me of an oak.
Do I, now? Dense and knobbly, and full of squirrels.
( both giggle ) It's all right.
Don't worry.
I'll get a pane of glass.
I thought you were trying to fix the place up, not demolish it.
It's not easy, with you two canoodling.
We were not canoodling.
He planted a silver birch outside my house.
That is the single most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.
Please, don't try and spoil it.
I'm not trying to spoil it.
Fergal is a lovely guy.
He deserves a lovely- I'd better go and see where that glass is.
I can't believe you invited that hoodlum here! I got into this mess, I'll get us out of it.
Molly, you can't do this.
He's a cardshark.
I am not giving in without a fight, Geordie.
I'm sorry I ever got you involved.
Apology accepted.
Perhaps you'll climb into that dreary shatterbang and disappear! No, Hector, I need Geordie to help me.
- Don't you think he's helped enough? - Please.
I'm going to play for my pendant and clear my debt.
I don't need you two sniping at each other.
Now, what are we going to do about Archie? You won't have to do anything.
He's so busy with that croft, he wouldn't know it if the house burned down.
Good! So, let's get to work.
No, Hector, no, no.
Leave it.
Leave it.
I'll do it.
There we are.
Easy.
That cheeky- that's my car! Good evening, Mr.
Murdo.
Old MacDonald's Farm, eh? Very nice.
This is my husband, Hector.
Geordie, you know.
You take in the homeless.
That's very noble.
These are my good friends, Hugh, Benny.
Would you gentlemen care for something to eat, after your journey? Maybe later, eh? Let's get straight down to business, shall we? Gentlemen, do please follow me.
Have you fallen on somebody's fear, Geordie? I'm very lucky.
Mrs.
MacDonald's a good friend.
She's gonna need a bit of luck herself tonight.
I've been looking for a place in the country.
Here, Jimmy, hang that up.
Coathooks are over there.
I'm not the butler.
Would you gentlemen care for some whiskey? Not for me, thanks.
I'd like to keep a clear head.
Aye, yes, please.
Thanks.
Oh, we do have cards already.
Well, your house, my deck.
If it's all the same to you? Oh, this is exciting.
It's so long since we've had friends round for cards.
Right ante is £10, under the gun, there's a straddle option to 40 quid, check and raise is permitted, the maximum bet is the size of the pot or 1,000 quid, whichever is less, the game's table stakes, the minimum buy-in is five grand, okay? Don't worry about me.
I'll try and keep up.
What's going on? Molly's new business plan- Glenbogle Casino.
Only don't tell Archie.
I just came to get us some food.
Help yourself- to anything you see.
That's not enough for a growing boy.
You need to keep your strength up.
What do you have in mind? Well there's a rave, up at Glenmorrison at the weekend.
And I was thinking that you and I could go and get sweaty? I'd love to.
But I don't know if it sounds like Katrina's scene.
Katrina? Yeah, me and her are sorry, I thought Duncan might have told you.
No.
No, he didn't.
Katrina?! ( chuckling ) Gets about a bit, that one! I'm sorry? Oh, nothing.
Is there something I should know about? Or some one? Look! Forget I said anything, okay? - Is it Duncan? - Oh, please! She has got some taste.
Come on, Lexie, you can't go dropping hints all over the place.
I just thought there was something going on between- her and Archie.
Obviously, I was imagining things.
Archie? Molly: Well, Hugh, I'll raise you And 50.
Murdo: See it.
Any raise? Why not? Another 50.
( giggles ) This is fun, isn't it? See ya.
Queens and tens.
Aces and jacks.
Doesn't that mean I win? ( giggles ) Gosh, I'm doing rather well, aren't I? Beginner's luck, I suppose.
Hmmm.
This place looks almost cozy.
You and Fergal have done a fantastic job.
Yeah, he's a good man to have around.
Yeah, he is.
( sheep bleating ) Listen I'm sorry about what I said earlier.
About you trying to spoil things.
I know you wouldn't.
It's funny, no matter how much coal I put on, it never seems to get any warmer.
Maybe it's the spirit of Kilfedder.
Kilfedder? The man who used to live here.
He was the Glenbogle matchmaker.
You mean this place used to be a dating agency? Yeah.
People used to come from miles around to get advice and find partners.
But his family don't still live in Glenbogle, do they? He had no family.
- He never married.
- Oh, ironic.
There was a girl, apparently they were childhood sweethearts.
But they fell out.
No one knows why.
Then years later, her father decided to marry her off to a- rich Glasgow shopkeeper.
Kilfedder arranged it.
Even though he still loved her.
He thought she'd gone off him.
And he wanted her to be happy, I suppose.
But it didn't work out.
Her husband dumped her, and she died in a poorhouse.
They found a letter to Kilfedder in her belongings, and sent it on to him.
It said she'd always loved him, and that it broke her heart that he'd abandoned her.
He died here.
Look at me, I'm crying.
It's all ancient history.
Katrina, look, I- look at the year, 1901.
I'd better go.
I'll see you tomorrow, anyway.
See you.
Oh, look! There he is! Mr.
Total Recall.
I suppose you think that was funny.
Sorry.
Whatever it is, I've forgotten.
Like you forgot to tell me that Fergal was mixed up with Goldilocks! You let me ask him out! I feel about this big.
Do you know what that feels like? I should do.
You do it to me often enough.
Hector, this is lunacy.
Has Molly ever even played poker? Once or twice.
Monte Carlo, Las Vegas.
She qualified for a professional tournament once, but it clashed with the Chelsea Flower Show.
Man: two.
Three, please.
Two.
Two for the dealer.
How did you end up working for a creep like that? Not many openings for hard men these days.
And no self-respect on the dole.
Can you have self-respect working for a guy like that? I do an honest day's work.
We can't all graft for nice folks like yours.
So Murdo's honest, is he? He's a good card player.
And he plays to win.
Nah, he plays to fleece people.
I've never made anyone sit down with him, but I've made them pay their debts when they stand up.
Raise you 50.
Mm-hmm.
And 100.
Too steep for me.
Murdo: Maybe you should pull out, your ladyship.
You've squandered your lead.
Three grand down.
Don't feel bad about it.
It's a class act- "lady of the manor.
" Drew me in at the start, but you see, every time you bluff the corner of your mouth goes up.
The "naughty schoolgirl" look was a dead giveaway.
Well, some people smile, Mr.
Murdo, and some people talk.
Raise you 100.
( chips clatter ) ( chips clatter ) You think I'm bluffing? 1,000.
That's your limit, your ladyship.
Time for some collateral.
( chips clatter ) Full house.
Kings over tens.
Aces on jacks.
You know, I'm not really a pendant sort of guy.
But I do know this lap dancer, it'd just fit right in her navel.
Looks like we're quits.
Unless you want a chance to win it back.
Oh, great! If we can both get started- actually, I wanted to discuss my job description.
Look, it's great of you to help out- yeah, helping with the croft, no problem.
And the ranger part, that's fine too.
But I draw the line at playing the schmuck for you and your girlfriend.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about you and Katrina.
I'm talking about this lover's charade, where you have me planting trees, and she acts all surprised.
We are not lovers.
I'm not blind, Archie.
I've just seen you two together.
Fergal, there is nothing going on between me and Katrina.
We are just friends.
She helped me out with a grant, and the accounts, and she was there for me when Justine left.
- Really? - And I helped her get over Alan.
And how exactly did you do that? You haven't- no! We've never spent the night together.
Well, hardly ever.
There was that one time when the car broke down - it's a long story.
- Yeah, some other time.
Thanks for putting me straight.
Fergal what about the- oh, brilliant! Molly: Just look at him! Smug little slug in a suit.
Molly, this has gone far enough.
He's got my pendant, the one you gave me.
Then the debt is settled.
Darling, let it go.
The pendant doesn't really matter.
It matters to me.
I know he's cheating, but I don't know how.
Molly, this is not about the pendant.
Murdo wants you angry, and desperate to break even, so he can take you to the cleaners.
- Murdo ruined you! - And I don't want that happening to you.
You're at your depth.
Hector's right.
Get out now, please? I suppose it would be the sensible thing to do, - I just wish - what?! I just wish I felt like being sensible.
Molly! I'm really sorry about this, Hector.
Don't be, old man, you did your best.
Besides, she might still pull it off.
Not against Murdo, she won't, no.
I'm telling you, the man's a mind reader.
Impossible.
I've lived with Molly for 40 years, - she's still a mystery to me.
- Not to Murdo, she's not.
I'll tell you, he can see things nobody else can.
I, uh I spoke to Archie.
He told me about the two of you.
Told you what? How you dumped your boyfriend for him, that night in the road, in the car, you know, stuff like that.
Are you serious? Katrina, I saw you and him together.
Doing what?! Look, whatever he's told you, it's not true.
There's nothing between him and me.
There never has been.
I want to believe you.
Then do! Look, everything's changed since you've been around.
Things are so- open.
I'm tired of people not saying what they feel.
Archie's so mixed up.
I mean, one night he came here to dinner, and was trying to say something and couldn't, and then we nearly kissed, and I spilt wine in his lap- when was this? Oh, ages ago.
Weeks ago.
I'm sure he told you about it.
No.
He never mentioned it at all.
Fergal.
Fergal three, please.
Two.
Murdo: Stay.
Dealer takes three.
Can you open? Yes, I can- for £10,000.
Ha! That's way over the pot! If you're scared to owe me that much, I'll settle for my pendant.
You said yourself it doesn't really suit you.
Are you sure you want to go through with this? Right.
The bet is £10,000 on this hand.
Full house, aces on tens.
Sorry.
Tell you what.
Double or quits.
I'll pay you next week.
Stitches? ( door opens ) Stitches, the lady's trying to wriggle out of her obligations- oh, sorry- noblesse oblige.
Stitches: The terms are cash or goods right now.
Now just hold on a wee minute.
It's all right, Golly.
Hector: well.
Time to settle up.
You'll take a check? I'm allergic to rubber.
If that check bounces, it's not my problem, it's his.
10,000, please.
- Made out to Mr.
Murdo? - Nah, just leave the name blank.
Certainly.
Where did I put that blasted pen? Oh! You've seen one of these? Frightfully clever.
Hector: I say, these cards of yours valuable? Look, they're marked with ultraviolet ink.
After all I've done for you, I should have known.
So much for nobility.
I'm taking my check and I'm going.
I don't think so.
Suit yourself.
Stitches.
Hey! U.
V.
sensitive? Very neat.
Let's sort this out later, shall we? Let's not.
On behalf of Mr.
Murdo, I'd like to apologise.
You'll all be repaid in full.
What? It's bad enough you've had me running after you like your mother.
I knew you were trash, but I thought at least you played straight.
All of these people will get their money back, but what about my reputation? Eh? What about my self-respect? How are you going to repay me? Ah-ah-ah.
My car, I believe.
How am I going to get home? Take my van.
The rates are very reasonable.
Clear out, or I'll set the dogs on you! They may lick you to death.
( van starts ) ( van backfiring ) Hello, Archie.
We've just had a few friends round for cards.
How's the cottage? Cottage? It's a disaster zone.
Oh well, I'm sure you're starving.
There's plenty of food in the kitchen.
( sniffs ) Mrs.
MacDonald.
Mr.
MacDonald.
You've a lovely house, but you should take more care of your possessions.
Yes, we will.
Thank you.
"Kidnapped," by Robert Louis Stevenson.
A rare, illustrated first edition.
Some dunderhead left it in the toilet.
Ah- right.
Thanks.
The culprit will be severely dealt with.
Anyhow good night.
Thank you.
And good night.
I am so stupid.
I am so, so stupid.
( tearfully ) I nearly lost everything.
Only the necklace, my darling.
You still would have had me.
Not that I'd fetch as much.
Oh, Hector.
Anybody home? Mr.
MacDonald, I'm Helen Reavey from the Council Heritage Committee.
Hello.
I'm sorry about my appearance.
I've been up all night.
Oh, don't worry.
You know Katrina? - hi.
- so, this tableau? Yeah, please.
Please go in.
- Katrina? - I've seen it.
Fergal came round last night.
I know.
I can't believe you made up all those stories about us.
What stories? Maybe he got the wrong end of the stick.
Yeah, right.
I just told him we were friends, that's all.
Well, then you lied, 'cause we're not.
Well, what did you want me to say? I think I've seen enough.
Frankly, Mr.
MacDonald, I'm surprised.
I was expecting a tableau of life in a stately home.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
We had a bit of- but this this has real texture, real atmosphere.
I mean, you can smell it.
- It does stink a bit.
- oh, no.
It just makes the whole thing so intense! If it was up to me, I'd authorise a grant right now.
Oh, that's great! What do you mean, if it was up to you? Katrina's the other delegate, so it's her call.
So, what do you think? What do I think? I think it's not just clever, it's cunning.
It'd fool anyone.
It certainly fooled me.
There you go, Mr.
MacDonald.
That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? Ahem so if I put £5 to win on "Lucky Straight" in the 2:15 and roll your winnings over to "Dozy Bumpkin" in the 3:30 and it wins I could clear £5,000! That's marvelous! What are you two cooking up? - Just a harmless flutter with my bookie, darling.
- May I? I think we've had enough harmless flutters for the time being, don't you? These reformed gamblers, they're so puritanical.
It's not as if I've got any money to put on a horse.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, Katrina, hello.
- Can I give you this? - What is it? A grant check from the heritage committee.
Don't you want to give it to Archie? - Sorry, I have to run.
- Thanks very much.
Ahh- let her go, Arch.
There's plenty more fish on the beach.
Talk to me.
Just one minute.
Like I said, son you lose.
( theme music playing )
Dunc, we need that fire going.
That's my Savile Row suit.
I wear that! Then you can carry on wearing it, if you don't mind being stuffed and mounted.
Is nothing sacred? People rifling through your wardrobe, valuable early editions going missing.
Archie: What early editions? "Kidnapped," by Robert Louis Stevenson.
Your pen's run out.
( laughs ) Ultraviolet ink.
See? Do try to keep up with technology, Archie.
Since you're determined to open our house to the great unwashed, I'm marking everything that isn't nailed down! It's not the whole house, just this room.
There, what do you think? Ludicrous! Don't you realise the aristocracy needs mystique? The aristocracy needs funds.
Our next grant share depends on this.
We might get away with it.
Come along, out.
Archie: No one goes in here between now and Wednesday.
Then we open the door and take the heritage committee back to the days of our Victorian ancestors.
( falling debris, Duncan coughing ) I think I should have used a bigger sheet.
( theme music playing ) They're casing the joint in broad daylight! Where are the dogs? Come on, boys, get him! Get him! Kill, kill! ( dogs barking ) Hello there.
Honestly.
I'd be better off with a team of gerbils.
Geordie! How wonderful to see you! How are you doing, duchess? Hector, you remember Geordie? Your bookie, yes! Business good, is it? I had to let the roller go.
Ah, but you've still got the shoes! You look like a man in need of refreshment, come along.
In need of a good horsewhipping, if you ask me.
Paintings, costumes, furniture, caked in soot, ruined.
It's not funny, Katrina.
No, sorry, of course not.
I've called in a firm of cleaners, but they can't make it till the end of the week.
We're never going to open in time, and we need that grant.
So you want me to nobble the council? It's not about nobbling the council- what?! You never come to see me unless you need something.
- This tableau was your stupid idea.
- It is not a stupid idea! Who cares about the life of a laird 100 years ago? It's not as if that much has changed for you lot anyway.
Apart from dry rot, death duties and the council tax, no.
My heart bleeds.
I suppose you'd rather I restored a Victorian croft, and set up some twee little scene with a noble son of the soil.
Well, it'd have more relevance than a load of dummies in posh frocks.
Right, fine, okay.
What? I will set up a tableau in a Victorian croft.
In 36 hours? Good luck.
Thank you so much for your help.
Fergal: Katrina? Hiya, boss.
Um, yours.
Picked off the estate? Then they're his.
Is everything okay? The laird just had some council business, but we're finished now, aren't we, Archie? Oh, we are most definitely finished.
Took me ages to find those.
Katrina: sorry.
No, I don't want to go to a rave.
It'll be fun! Two hours in a clapped-out Land Rover? Paying good money to leap around in the mud till my ears bleed? That's not my idea of a dream date.
Ah! But it wouldn't be a date.
It would be two mates out for a good time.
Oh, go on, Lex, what do you say? I say- lose the eyeshadow, it went out in the '80s.
Thank you.
Mmmm! That's the first I've eaten for a while.
Lady luck ran out on me.
Took my worldly possessions with her.
You lost everything on one horse?! Not a horse, no! Turn of the cards.
Not as sharp as I used to be, it seems.
- How very sordid.
- Hector, please.
I had to liquidate my assets pretty quick.
The roller, my premises my I.
O.
U.
's.
Oh, I see.
I had to pass them on, I'm sorry.
You mean you owe this man money?! Oh, no.
Molly's always settled her debts.
He cleaned me out, Molly.
- Who did, exactly? - His name's Murdo.
He owns a nightclub called "The Knave.
" Big poker game at the back.
Big money.
How much money does Molly owe this Mr.
Murdo? We'll come to some arrangement.
I'm sure he's a reasonable man.
Depends what you mean by "reasonable.
" Tell me, where are you staying in the meantime? Here and there.
You don't mean to say you're sleeping in that van? It's surprisingly well appointed- and the views are fabulous.
You must stay here till you're back on your feet.
I wouldn't want to impose on your hospitality.
Aw, what a shame.
Lovely seeing you.
- I insist! - I don't want to be any trouble.
You won't, will he, Hector? If you'll excuse me- I'm just going to count the spoons.
Golly: Now this could be what you want, Archie.
The roof's still on.
The walls are sound.
It's not too far from the road, so the punters won't have to get their feet wet.
Plus the jacuzzi is full of oysters, and the cable TV is on the blink.
Archie: Am I some kind of dinosaur? What? Some grasping feudal tyrant, desperate to bleed the peasants dry? - Why don't you ask Katrina? - Yeah, right.
As if I give a toss about her opinion.
As if I care about anything she says.
What? Oh, methinks the laird doth protest too much.
Look, I couldn't care less about her, and she feels just the same about me.
She'd rather hang out with the wild man of the woods.
- Fergal? Don't think so.
- And he is welcome to her.
In fact, a tenner says they'll get it together by the end of the week.
Archie! I'll throw in a few words of encouragement.
They'll hardly even notice.
Then she'll be out of my hair, once and for all.
She's in your hair, is she? You don't think I can manage it? All right, 20 to your 10.
I'll take the bet.
But believe me, son, you're going to lose.
Archie: In the meantime, all we have to do is transform this - into a tourist attraction.
Ah, well, good luck.
Golly! Listen, son, it's not a ghillie you need.
It's a shrink! I've got beasts to feed.
( bleating ) ( door opens ) Can I help you? I'm looking for a Mr.
Murdo.
And what business do you have with him? My friend Geordie owes him some money.
Go home, doll.
You don't belong here.
Stitches, who's your girlfriend? The name is Molly MacDonald.
I'm a friend of Geordie's.
You're Mrs.
MacDonald? - How do you do? - Hello, what can I do for you? Don't worry about them.
We have no secrets.
I understand that you've taken over Geordie's business? I am administering his accounts, that's correct.
Well, he laid a lot of bets on my behalf.
He was very reluctant to pass on your details.
I understand there's a sum of £4,000 outstanding.
Actually, it's three.
Actually, it was three - last week.
I'm a businessman, Mrs.
MacDonald, I like to encourage prompt repayment.
You will be repaid, I promise.
I don't run the business on promises.
- It's strictly cash only.
- Mr.
Murdo, I am not the sort of person- I don't care what sort of person you are.
Well, surely we can come to some arrangement? Tell you what, you can work in the kitchen, help with the washing up.
Thank you for your time, Mr.
Murdo.
I'll be in touch.
This place stinks.
Yep, it's authentic.
It is possible to overdo the authenticity.
Thanks for mucking in- with the mucking out.
Actually I wanted to pick your brains.
It's pretty lean pickings up there, I'm afraid.
You've known Katrina for quite awhile now, haven't you? Yeah, since we were kids.
Only I need some inside information.
On her likes and dislikes.
Fergal: I want to wow her.
Wow her, or woo her? Wow or woo I think both.
I've got a really good feeling about this, Archie.
I don't want to blow it.
She did not go for those flowers I gave her.
She doesn't like cut flowers- she says she's always waiting for them to die.
She's very fond of trees- poplar, silver birch.
A tree a tree, of course.
I thought you two didn't get on? Whatever gave you that idea? Nothing.
Thanks a lot, Arch.
( distant bagpipes playing ) ( bagpipes grow louder ) ( pipes stop ) Thank you.
Oh, that looks fabulous.
Have you any brown sauce? H.
P.
? I'll go and have a look.
Quite a selection.
Don't they have cutlery in Kilmarnock? - Start from the outside and work in.
- Oh, really? Molly? I'll go and fetch another plate.
Thank you, Lexie.
Where have you been all day? I've been to see Mr.
Murdo.
He wants me to repay him this week.
What's the problem? Pay the man! Hector, it's £4,000! 4,000 poun - ?! How in heaven's name are we going to tell Archie?! Do we have to tell Archie? - Mmm, smells good.
- Ah-! I wish I could say the same about you.
Thank you.
Hello, Geordie, how are you? Oh, I'm fine.
Molly: Geordie's staying with us for a little while.
Archie: Right, good.
Would you like me to hose you down before dinner? No, I can't stay.
I'll just have a sandwich or something, please.
All right, milord.
( sighs ) ( forced laughter ) Everything all right? Splendid, splendid, only we seem to have run out of brown sauce.
That's all right.
I'll make do with ketchup.
Right.
I'll leave you to it.
( sighs ) You're up early.
Got lots to do.
No rest for the lone ranger, eh? Not until Archie's croft is finished, no.
So, what do you do for relaxation, kemosabe? Ride into the village, and show all the girls your six-gun? - I usually read a book.
- Oh, an intellectual.
I like a man with a bulging cortex.
So would you like to go to work on an egg? Thanks.
Maybe Duncan would be up for that.
And what will Tonto be having? Soft-boiled with soldiers? What was all that about? You were coming on to him! And what's that got to do with you? I thought we were just mates? Aye, right, we are- but- I was thinking about asking him to this rave.
What do you think? I mean, speaking as mates? Why not? Go on.
Ask away! What about your soldiers? They're dismissed.
You do not throw these out! Put this in there, and you charge six quid a shot.
Anybody complains, you refer them to Stitches.
Okay? Mr.
Murdo.
Oh, hello.
Bring your marigolds? No, but I've brought you this.
What's it worth? To me, it's priceless.
To you, about £4,000.
Well, let's see what the jeweler says.
Before you take it, I have a proposition to put to you.
You're not just a businessman, are you, Mr.
Murdo? You're an entrepreneur, a risk taker.
I could hand this over, and you could sell it, but where would be the thrill in that? You like cards - let's play poker for it.
Do you know how to play poker? Oh, yes.
It's rather like bridge, isn't it? It's my money.
Why would I want to play cards for it? Mr.
Murdo, anyone would think you lacked- what do you call it- bottle.
Right.
Your house.
Tonight.
My house? Ah his lordship doesn't know about your expensive habits, does he? Shall we say 7:30? Bring some friends if you like, and black tie.
Of course, appearances are so important, aren't they? They certainly are.
Even if you're just selling whiskey.
Why did you agree? I've got nothing to lose.
She's got plenty.
What about furniture? I'll have to fill up a trailer at the house.
- Once we fix the floor.
- And strip the panels.
- And rebuild the fire.
- And paint the place.
This is insane.
Hello.
Oh, great.
That's all we need.
Don't worry, it's not an official inspection.
( sniffs ) Phfaw! Good thing, too.
Hums a bit, doesn't it? Unless, of course, it's you two.
Did you want something? I wanted to see Fergal, actually.
Right, excuse me.
Now somebody planted a silver birch outside my house last night.
Right.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I'll come over straightaway and dig it up.
Stop.
It's beautiful.
How did you know? It reminded me of you, lithe and bright and beautiful.
It's funny, that.
'Cause you remind me of an oak.
Do I, now? Dense and knobbly, and full of squirrels.
( both giggle ) It's all right.
Don't worry.
I'll get a pane of glass.
I thought you were trying to fix the place up, not demolish it.
It's not easy, with you two canoodling.
We were not canoodling.
He planted a silver birch outside my house.
That is the single most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.
Please, don't try and spoil it.
I'm not trying to spoil it.
Fergal is a lovely guy.
He deserves a lovely- I'd better go and see where that glass is.
I can't believe you invited that hoodlum here! I got into this mess, I'll get us out of it.
Molly, you can't do this.
He's a cardshark.
I am not giving in without a fight, Geordie.
I'm sorry I ever got you involved.
Apology accepted.
Perhaps you'll climb into that dreary shatterbang and disappear! No, Hector, I need Geordie to help me.
- Don't you think he's helped enough? - Please.
I'm going to play for my pendant and clear my debt.
I don't need you two sniping at each other.
Now, what are we going to do about Archie? You won't have to do anything.
He's so busy with that croft, he wouldn't know it if the house burned down.
Good! So, let's get to work.
No, Hector, no, no.
Leave it.
Leave it.
I'll do it.
There we are.
Easy.
That cheeky- that's my car! Good evening, Mr.
Murdo.
Old MacDonald's Farm, eh? Very nice.
This is my husband, Hector.
Geordie, you know.
You take in the homeless.
That's very noble.
These are my good friends, Hugh, Benny.
Would you gentlemen care for something to eat, after your journey? Maybe later, eh? Let's get straight down to business, shall we? Gentlemen, do please follow me.
Have you fallen on somebody's fear, Geordie? I'm very lucky.
Mrs.
MacDonald's a good friend.
She's gonna need a bit of luck herself tonight.
I've been looking for a place in the country.
Here, Jimmy, hang that up.
Coathooks are over there.
I'm not the butler.
Would you gentlemen care for some whiskey? Not for me, thanks.
I'd like to keep a clear head.
Aye, yes, please.
Thanks.
Oh, we do have cards already.
Well, your house, my deck.
If it's all the same to you? Oh, this is exciting.
It's so long since we've had friends round for cards.
Right ante is £10, under the gun, there's a straddle option to 40 quid, check and raise is permitted, the maximum bet is the size of the pot or 1,000 quid, whichever is less, the game's table stakes, the minimum buy-in is five grand, okay? Don't worry about me.
I'll try and keep up.
What's going on? Molly's new business plan- Glenbogle Casino.
Only don't tell Archie.
I just came to get us some food.
Help yourself- to anything you see.
That's not enough for a growing boy.
You need to keep your strength up.
What do you have in mind? Well there's a rave, up at Glenmorrison at the weekend.
And I was thinking that you and I could go and get sweaty? I'd love to.
But I don't know if it sounds like Katrina's scene.
Katrina? Yeah, me and her are sorry, I thought Duncan might have told you.
No.
No, he didn't.
Katrina?! ( chuckling ) Gets about a bit, that one! I'm sorry? Oh, nothing.
Is there something I should know about? Or some one? Look! Forget I said anything, okay? - Is it Duncan? - Oh, please! She has got some taste.
Come on, Lexie, you can't go dropping hints all over the place.
I just thought there was something going on between- her and Archie.
Obviously, I was imagining things.
Archie? Molly: Well, Hugh, I'll raise you And 50.
Murdo: See it.
Any raise? Why not? Another 50.
( giggles ) This is fun, isn't it? See ya.
Queens and tens.
Aces and jacks.
Doesn't that mean I win? ( giggles ) Gosh, I'm doing rather well, aren't I? Beginner's luck, I suppose.
Hmmm.
This place looks almost cozy.
You and Fergal have done a fantastic job.
Yeah, he's a good man to have around.
Yeah, he is.
( sheep bleating ) Listen I'm sorry about what I said earlier.
About you trying to spoil things.
I know you wouldn't.
It's funny, no matter how much coal I put on, it never seems to get any warmer.
Maybe it's the spirit of Kilfedder.
Kilfedder? The man who used to live here.
He was the Glenbogle matchmaker.
You mean this place used to be a dating agency? Yeah.
People used to come from miles around to get advice and find partners.
But his family don't still live in Glenbogle, do they? He had no family.
- He never married.
- Oh, ironic.
There was a girl, apparently they were childhood sweethearts.
But they fell out.
No one knows why.
Then years later, her father decided to marry her off to a- rich Glasgow shopkeeper.
Kilfedder arranged it.
Even though he still loved her.
He thought she'd gone off him.
And he wanted her to be happy, I suppose.
But it didn't work out.
Her husband dumped her, and she died in a poorhouse.
They found a letter to Kilfedder in her belongings, and sent it on to him.
It said she'd always loved him, and that it broke her heart that he'd abandoned her.
He died here.
Look at me, I'm crying.
It's all ancient history.
Katrina, look, I- look at the year, 1901.
I'd better go.
I'll see you tomorrow, anyway.
See you.
Oh, look! There he is! Mr.
Total Recall.
I suppose you think that was funny.
Sorry.
Whatever it is, I've forgotten.
Like you forgot to tell me that Fergal was mixed up with Goldilocks! You let me ask him out! I feel about this big.
Do you know what that feels like? I should do.
You do it to me often enough.
Hector, this is lunacy.
Has Molly ever even played poker? Once or twice.
Monte Carlo, Las Vegas.
She qualified for a professional tournament once, but it clashed with the Chelsea Flower Show.
Man: two.
Three, please.
Two.
Two for the dealer.
How did you end up working for a creep like that? Not many openings for hard men these days.
And no self-respect on the dole.
Can you have self-respect working for a guy like that? I do an honest day's work.
We can't all graft for nice folks like yours.
So Murdo's honest, is he? He's a good card player.
And he plays to win.
Nah, he plays to fleece people.
I've never made anyone sit down with him, but I've made them pay their debts when they stand up.
Raise you 50.
Mm-hmm.
And 100.
Too steep for me.
Murdo: Maybe you should pull out, your ladyship.
You've squandered your lead.
Three grand down.
Don't feel bad about it.
It's a class act- "lady of the manor.
" Drew me in at the start, but you see, every time you bluff the corner of your mouth goes up.
The "naughty schoolgirl" look was a dead giveaway.
Well, some people smile, Mr.
Murdo, and some people talk.
Raise you 100.
( chips clatter ) ( chips clatter ) You think I'm bluffing? 1,000.
That's your limit, your ladyship.
Time for some collateral.
( chips clatter ) Full house.
Kings over tens.
Aces on jacks.
You know, I'm not really a pendant sort of guy.
But I do know this lap dancer, it'd just fit right in her navel.
Looks like we're quits.
Unless you want a chance to win it back.
Oh, great! If we can both get started- actually, I wanted to discuss my job description.
Look, it's great of you to help out- yeah, helping with the croft, no problem.
And the ranger part, that's fine too.
But I draw the line at playing the schmuck for you and your girlfriend.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about you and Katrina.
I'm talking about this lover's charade, where you have me planting trees, and she acts all surprised.
We are not lovers.
I'm not blind, Archie.
I've just seen you two together.
Fergal, there is nothing going on between me and Katrina.
We are just friends.
She helped me out with a grant, and the accounts, and she was there for me when Justine left.
- Really? - And I helped her get over Alan.
And how exactly did you do that? You haven't- no! We've never spent the night together.
Well, hardly ever.
There was that one time when the car broke down - it's a long story.
- Yeah, some other time.
Thanks for putting me straight.
Fergal what about the- oh, brilliant! Molly: Just look at him! Smug little slug in a suit.
Molly, this has gone far enough.
He's got my pendant, the one you gave me.
Then the debt is settled.
Darling, let it go.
The pendant doesn't really matter.
It matters to me.
I know he's cheating, but I don't know how.
Molly, this is not about the pendant.
Murdo wants you angry, and desperate to break even, so he can take you to the cleaners.
- Murdo ruined you! - And I don't want that happening to you.
You're at your depth.
Hector's right.
Get out now, please? I suppose it would be the sensible thing to do, - I just wish - what?! I just wish I felt like being sensible.
Molly! I'm really sorry about this, Hector.
Don't be, old man, you did your best.
Besides, she might still pull it off.
Not against Murdo, she won't, no.
I'm telling you, the man's a mind reader.
Impossible.
I've lived with Molly for 40 years, - she's still a mystery to me.
- Not to Murdo, she's not.
I'll tell you, he can see things nobody else can.
I, uh I spoke to Archie.
He told me about the two of you.
Told you what? How you dumped your boyfriend for him, that night in the road, in the car, you know, stuff like that.
Are you serious? Katrina, I saw you and him together.
Doing what?! Look, whatever he's told you, it's not true.
There's nothing between him and me.
There never has been.
I want to believe you.
Then do! Look, everything's changed since you've been around.
Things are so- open.
I'm tired of people not saying what they feel.
Archie's so mixed up.
I mean, one night he came here to dinner, and was trying to say something and couldn't, and then we nearly kissed, and I spilt wine in his lap- when was this? Oh, ages ago.
Weeks ago.
I'm sure he told you about it.
No.
He never mentioned it at all.
Fergal.
Fergal three, please.
Two.
Murdo: Stay.
Dealer takes three.
Can you open? Yes, I can- for £10,000.
Ha! That's way over the pot! If you're scared to owe me that much, I'll settle for my pendant.
You said yourself it doesn't really suit you.
Are you sure you want to go through with this? Right.
The bet is £10,000 on this hand.
Full house, aces on tens.
Sorry.
Tell you what.
Double or quits.
I'll pay you next week.
Stitches? ( door opens ) Stitches, the lady's trying to wriggle out of her obligations- oh, sorry- noblesse oblige.
Stitches: The terms are cash or goods right now.
Now just hold on a wee minute.
It's all right, Golly.
Hector: well.
Time to settle up.
You'll take a check? I'm allergic to rubber.
If that check bounces, it's not my problem, it's his.
10,000, please.
- Made out to Mr.
Murdo? - Nah, just leave the name blank.
Certainly.
Where did I put that blasted pen? Oh! You've seen one of these? Frightfully clever.
Hector: I say, these cards of yours valuable? Look, they're marked with ultraviolet ink.
After all I've done for you, I should have known.
So much for nobility.
I'm taking my check and I'm going.
I don't think so.
Suit yourself.
Stitches.
Hey! U.
V.
sensitive? Very neat.
Let's sort this out later, shall we? Let's not.
On behalf of Mr.
Murdo, I'd like to apologise.
You'll all be repaid in full.
What? It's bad enough you've had me running after you like your mother.
I knew you were trash, but I thought at least you played straight.
All of these people will get their money back, but what about my reputation? Eh? What about my self-respect? How are you going to repay me? Ah-ah-ah.
My car, I believe.
How am I going to get home? Take my van.
The rates are very reasonable.
Clear out, or I'll set the dogs on you! They may lick you to death.
( van starts ) ( van backfiring ) Hello, Archie.
We've just had a few friends round for cards.
How's the cottage? Cottage? It's a disaster zone.
Oh well, I'm sure you're starving.
There's plenty of food in the kitchen.
( sniffs ) Mrs.
MacDonald.
Mr.
MacDonald.
You've a lovely house, but you should take more care of your possessions.
Yes, we will.
Thank you.
"Kidnapped," by Robert Louis Stevenson.
A rare, illustrated first edition.
Some dunderhead left it in the toilet.
Ah- right.
Thanks.
The culprit will be severely dealt with.
Anyhow good night.
Thank you.
And good night.
I am so stupid.
I am so, so stupid.
( tearfully ) I nearly lost everything.
Only the necklace, my darling.
You still would have had me.
Not that I'd fetch as much.
Oh, Hector.
Anybody home? Mr.
MacDonald, I'm Helen Reavey from the Council Heritage Committee.
Hello.
I'm sorry about my appearance.
I've been up all night.
Oh, don't worry.
You know Katrina? - hi.
- so, this tableau? Yeah, please.
Please go in.
- Katrina? - I've seen it.
Fergal came round last night.
I know.
I can't believe you made up all those stories about us.
What stories? Maybe he got the wrong end of the stick.
Yeah, right.
I just told him we were friends, that's all.
Well, then you lied, 'cause we're not.
Well, what did you want me to say? I think I've seen enough.
Frankly, Mr.
MacDonald, I'm surprised.
I was expecting a tableau of life in a stately home.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
We had a bit of- but this this has real texture, real atmosphere.
I mean, you can smell it.
- It does stink a bit.
- oh, no.
It just makes the whole thing so intense! If it was up to me, I'd authorise a grant right now.
Oh, that's great! What do you mean, if it was up to you? Katrina's the other delegate, so it's her call.
So, what do you think? What do I think? I think it's not just clever, it's cunning.
It'd fool anyone.
It certainly fooled me.
There you go, Mr.
MacDonald.
That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? Ahem so if I put £5 to win on "Lucky Straight" in the 2:15 and roll your winnings over to "Dozy Bumpkin" in the 3:30 and it wins I could clear £5,000! That's marvelous! What are you two cooking up? - Just a harmless flutter with my bookie, darling.
- May I? I think we've had enough harmless flutters for the time being, don't you? These reformed gamblers, they're so puritanical.
It's not as if I've got any money to put on a horse.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, Katrina, hello.
- Can I give you this? - What is it? A grant check from the heritage committee.
Don't you want to give it to Archie? - Sorry, I have to run.
- Thanks very much.
Ahh- let her go, Arch.
There's plenty more fish on the beach.
Talk to me.
Just one minute.
Like I said, son you lose.
( theme music playing )