Mongrels (2010) s02e05 Episode Script
Marion and the Myocardial Infarction
Plot on the end's yours.
You'll find us a friendly bunch, so long as you don't grow bigger marrows than me.
And whose is that plot? Belongs to old Bernard.
Strange thing is, no-one ever sees him work it, yet it yields the finest produce in the allotment.
Unbeknownst to you, old Bernard passed away six months ago.
Since then I've been tending this plot, working in secret, when the humans aren't around.
Of course, the downside is no-one's looked for his corpse.
FLIES BUZZ Les Ferdinand! I've been vandalised! Strawberry nets torn up, tomato canes snapped! Someone's been eating my fruit and veg! Someone's been eating your fruit and veg? Seriously? That's what we're kicking this off with? No, no, fine.
Nah, if you reckon.
OK, yep, here goes.
Driven from my allotment like a displaced marsh Arab.
Well, I won't stand for it.
I'm going to go back there and sorry, anyone interested? At all? Mmm? Sorry, Nelson.
I have had very rough experience.
See, I was out on the street, touting for owners.
SINGING Looking for some company tonight? No! Why would anyone do such a brutal and oh, Twix.
She binned you off, did she? Ha-ha! Yes! Holler! Bo! Brrrap! Don't hate the player, hate the game, biatch! So she dropped you in a bin.
You live in a bin.
Different.
I felt like I'd been physicallyviolated.
Bit extreme.
Oh no, I hadn't finished the story.
SINGING Oh, hello, Wincent.
Get your coat.
You've pulled.
CRASHING AND SCREAMING All right, Nelson, you camel's hymen.
Hi, Destiny.
Now, just to fill you in, I'm at the centre of an intriguing little mystery involving some horticultural vandalism.
So there really is something for everyone.
Not interested, wankers.
Okie-dokes.
Now then, time to find out who has been eating MY fruit and veg.
I'll, er, let you know if I get any leads.
You teenagers can't scare me.
Come anywhere near me and I swear to God I'll rehabilitate you all.
Please, take anything! Just don't touch my purple sprouting broccoli! It's all right, boys.
Just a fox.
Morgan Freemanlamb! What are you doing here? Tending my allotment.
I work here when there are no humans around.
Same as Nobby and sundryother characters.
Hi, there.
Hiya.
Tally ho.
Greetings.
Be happy.
I had no idea.
But now our land is under threat.
Only yesterday, my plot was torn upby vandals.
That's your plot? But it's all just covered with grass.
I'm a sheep, that's what we eat.
No, fair point.
What else you want meto grow, goddamn baby turnips? OK, OK.
God.
I bet the actual Morgan Freeman isn't this touchy.
'This is the incredible true story of a family's journey 'to bring life into the world.
' March of the Pengwines.
Umm Morgan, can we try that again? I believe you said "pengwines"? Yep.
Instead of "penguin".
Pengwines.
Um Pretty sure it's "penguin".
It is pronounced "pengwine", that is why I said "pengwine", because this is a film about pengwines called March of the Pengwines.
Yeah As a safety-play, you know, give us some options in the edit.
Er could you try one saying "penguins"? Listen to me.
I am Morgan Freeman.
I have played God, I have played US Presidents, I have played Nelson Mandola.
You mean "Mandela"? Son of a bitch! Nelson, you take the midnight shift.
Watch out for intruders.
Okie-dokes.
Well, Steig.
Looks like it's just you and me.
Sorry.
It's Natasha, innit? Yep.
Natasha Hamilton from Atomic Kitten and now making a name on the West End stage? Yep, yeah, it is.
Can I just say, I'm such a big fan of your work.
COUGHS: Bullshit.
Hang on, why I am coughing? I'm a dog, you can't understand me.
Bullshit! He fancies the one off Snog, Marry, Avoid! Could I take a photo of youpulling a pint? Yeah, sure.
Oh! Look at this place! It's like I woke up on Liza Minelli's breakfast table.
Por favor! Ha ha ha! Go on, then.
What's it like spending your whole life being carried by Natasha Hamilton? No idea, ask Liz McClarnon! Oh! Macarena! WHEEZES WITH LAUGHTER It's like everything you lot say is funny! In fact, do you fancy coming with me? No, gracias.
Miss Natasha, she keeps me very well.
No, of course.
I understand.
Still, luckily for me you've got handles so Marion, after the trauma in that bin this is the only way you'll ever feel clean again.
And it's absolutely safe? Oh, yes.
To the extent that, were anyone watching us right now, I would urge them to do it with household pets of their own.
OK! # You spin me right round, baby Right round # Like a record, baby # Wincent? Let's get dirty! BEEPING AND WHIRRING You know, this is actually quite pleasant.
Not spooky at all.
OWL HOOTS Oh.
Hello, Phil Owl.
Oh, hi, Nelson, what you reading? The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest.
Yeah, it's a good page-turner, bit of fun.
I say "fun", it's actually pretty sexually horrific in places I mean, the first 50 pages are fairly slow, but if you Some of the language is a bit clunky love to read them in the original Swedish If I'm totally honest, little surprised how fluffy I came up.
Don't suppose you've got any product? Do I look like Vidal Sassoon? Don't know what he looks like.
Me neither.
I just assume he don'tlook like a pigeon.
Probably safe.
Check out my new friend.
Go on, say something funny! Actually, I'd like to go home now.
Sassy comment now or I drown you! Hey, furball.
Justin Lee Collins called.
He wants his pubic hair back! Oh Los Lobos! SHE LAUGHS Well, he's horrible.
Oi! Don't be so homophobic.
How can I be homophobic? I have many gay friends! Please don't tell anyone, Marion.
If people find out, I'll be expelled from the priesthood.
Fear not, my Father! Your secret is safe with me! H'OK.
Could we forget I told that story? Please? Guten abends, meinen freunden! Lovely nacht for eine wandern! Do him! Do him! Oh, my God, a Nazi badger! You think I'm a little camp, you should see Auschwitz.
Boom, Galliano! SHE LAUGHS Please, that was many years ago.
And the badgers were not really involved at very high levels.
Oh, man! Aren't mean-spirited gay people hilarious?! Whoa whoa whoa.
Hold up one second, yeah? I do the jokes around here.
Hey, you must be Heather Mills.
Because you are totally lame and you feed off beetles! Carlos Santana! THEY LAUGH Wow.
I'm getting a 6.
9 on my zing-o-meter.
That is unheard of! Marion, that's a fag packet with some numbers drawn on it.
And yet it works.
OK, dog.
Call that a put-down? The only "put down" you should have, like, is one from a vet.
Yeah.
Have that.
Brrrap! How do you mean, Kali? Like, when a vet puts you down.
That's the kind of "put down" what he should have.
Done to him.
By a vet! I'm getting around 1.
5, 1.
6.
That's sub-Patrick Kielty.
It just came out a bit wrong.
As your mum said the day you hatched! Woop! Patatas bravas! SHE LAUGHS Right, you'll pay for that.
I'm going to go off right now, and take steps to deal with this.
Steps! Steps.
Right.
Let's see if Nelson has any mousse.
Aw, hello, little fluffykins.
Who do you belong to? Good evening, sir.
As you see from my lack of collar, I am currently between owners.
Wonder if I should take you in? This you would not regret.
I am strong team player, but work well on my own initiative.
I also have excellent IT skills.
Come on, then.
Let's get you home.
Wonderful! Now, I may have over-egged the CV somewhat there.
I meant excellent IT skills for a cat.
True, I know my way around Windows, but my knowledge of HTML is limited.
In summary, I am no Mark Zuckerberg.
MUSIC: Also sprach Zarathustra by Strauss HE GASPS Andy Serkis! Please.
Don't hurt me! Fox mean no harm.
Chimp no want hurt fox.
Chimp sorry.
Why chimp here? On allotment? Chimp lonely.
Chimp want friend.
Chimp no stay here.
Animals mad chimp make mess.
Chimp no mean make mess sorry, can you understand me if I talk normally? Of course I can.
You were talkingas if you had learning difficulties.
Excuse me, I am a member of the Folio Society.
I thought you were slow.
That's right.
You assumedbecause I'm a chimpanzee I must be educationally subnormal.
Well, look, you can't stay on the allotment.
At least not until the next human keels over, and even then there is a waiting list.
Chimp understand.
Chimp not welcome.
Now, stop it! You're just doing that for sympathy.
How did you end up here anyway? Oh, my life used to bea whole lot different.
This photograph explains everything.
Jordy Chandler! You're Yep.
I was a Bubbles impersonator.
What went wrong? What do you think? The King of Pop died, and the Jackson impersonators had no choice but to commit suicide.
# What about sunrise # But enough of my problems.
You're right.
I should leave.
Maybe someone out there will take pity on a poor, lonely, desperate little chimp.
Destiny, I'd like you to meet Robert.
Enchante.
You can't just bring a monkey to live here.
He's probably got loads of diseases.
Oh, Destiny, Destiny, Destiny.
When did a chimpanzee ever introduce an infectious disease into a new population AIDS.
OK.
Apart from Ebola.
All right, those two.
But apart from AIDS and Malaria.
Fine! AIDS, Ebola, malaria.
But I bet you this shiny new sixpence you can't name a Hepatitis B.
God, that was them too? Wow.
Look, sorry, would you mind awfully Obliged.
No problem.
Michael wore them all the time.
He's not staying.
Indeed not.
Once I've rebuilt his career, he'll be back at the top of the showbiz tree! To warn you, I stole a Chihuahua from Natasha from Atomic Kitten and now he's my gay best friend.
He's not one of them avuncular Ian McKellen gays.
He's a nasty Perez Hilton gay, so get ready for a roasting because here comes my gay little friend! Corona Extra! You never heard about knocking? Chico, baby, come back to bed, eh? What?! Hang on.
But that makes you heterosexual! Yeah, it's only my sense of humour that's a little on the camp side.
So, you see, Destiny? It is possible.
Thank you.
That is disgusting.
CHIMP CLEARS THROAT MUSIC: Theme from "The Wire" So, how come you want to join our flock? I'm having problems at home.
This dog, he's always on at me.
Thought you would help.
Still, you can't just, like, rock up here and join the flock, though.
Have to pay your dues, innit, boy? That's right.
Yeah, man.
Ah, the old initiation.
So, what - you're going to force me to have sex with you all? Your membership dues.
Right, right.
Course, yeah.
It's a ã30 induction fee for an initial 12 months, and a flat cancellation charge of 17.
95 with a minimum of four weeks' notice, innit? I mean, if there was some sort of group sex-based alternative There isn't.
I'll doa standing order.
Sweet.
Crazy Wings, give her a form.
Postcode of my three previous addresses?! No-one said it was going to be easy, baby.
Oh, my God.
I'm home.
They finally really did it.
You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! God damn you all to hell! And scene.
APPLAUSE Jonathan Wilkes! How are you not a huge star? It's a harsh world out there, Nelson.
On top of that, I, at moments of stress, have certain nervous habits.
You just need your confidence back, Robert.
One habit in particular.
And I am going to help you get it.
Think about it.
Who is the single most powerful man in the British entertainment industry? If can I just That's right! We're taking this straight to Mr Scott Mills.
I just said, if you get there about 9 nine o'clock, I think that'll be OK, cos she I'll call you back.
Now! Do the dance! Play the ukulele! Juggle! For heaven's sake, do something! Russell Brand! Now that was not on the showreel.
Wow, Steve! What a night.
I haven't felt so loved since I shared that basement flat with those 33 Chilean agoraphobics.
Hey, guys, lovely day out there.
Wow! Those stairs are a killer though.
Did he just say what I think he said? "We're having a High School Musical night"?! Go, Wildcats! Look at all that fur! Aren't you adorable! Well, I wouldn't say "adorable" as such.
(I WOULD say "adorable" as such.
) I could just take you home with me.
Sorry, lady.
I'm already spoken for.
No, I am in a serious relationship.
Oh, what the hell.
But if Steve phones, I am helping you defrag your hard drive.
# And I'm feeling good # Fish in the sea You know how I feel # Blossom in the trees You know how I feel # It's a new dawn, it's a new day It's a new life # For me # And I'm feeling good.
# Nelson, how did you think it went with Scott? Be totally honest now, I can take it.
Well couple of notes.
I wondered if we could perhaps and this might be entirely wrong, just putting it out there maybe try it without the frenziedand inconclusive self-abuse.
I knew it! It was dreadful! You hated it! Robert, please, this is a creative space.
Fine.
I admit that, as a performer, I do have a tendency towards how can I put this delicately? Masturbating in public.
That probably has held me back in the past.
This weekend we'll see a warm front coming down from the north to The betrayer is still alive.
Yes, your logic is correct.
Why not just stop? Find something else to do with your hands? Ah.
Prehensile feet.
That's, um unfortunate.
Though also impressive.
Soon I couldn't find any work at all.
Ended up touring with a Russian Circus.
If I ever see another bear or tiger, I swear I don't know what I'll do.
Oh Hello.
Marion.
It is actually quite rude to stare.
Sure, yeah.
In this situation I am the one who is being rude.
So guess what? I took a spin in the washing machine, now I got, like, 12 owners.
I'm getting fed, like, But are you HAPPY, Marion? Yes.
But are you REALLY happy? Yes.
But are you truly happy? NO! I have a terrible aching in my chest.
I don't know whether this is guilt or incipient heart failure brought on by drinking 25 litres of double cream in 12 hours.
Thank God for my trusty pacemaker.
That's a fag packet with numbers drawn on it.
Myocardial infarction You're in big trouble, little doggie.
Cos I'm in a flock now.
See, I am wearing the flock colours, which is grey, I'm doing the hand signals, which is flappin'.
So once my probationary period is over and my standing order clears, you better watch your back! Girlfriend, you are the most embarrassing thing with wings since Linda McCartney! Wow! Chilli non-carne! Sorry! It's not doing it for me.
Only works if you're gay.
What can I do? Be gay! Sorry, Destiny.
I am what I am.
You must accept this or cast me aside.
Destiny! Halt! Das ist blatant gay-bashing! No, it's fine.
He's not gay.
Oh! Mein mistake.
As you were.
Robert! If we're going to beat this thing you need to practise in front of an audience.
Now, here we have a representative member of the British public.
Morning, monkey BLEEP! Now, I enjoy cheeky, but I will not stand for nothing blue.
If you can entertain Vince without overstepping the boundaries of good taste, you'll be ready to perform again.
If I like what I see, I turn this dial to the left.
If I disapprove, I shove my tail up your arse and out your throat, and floss you like a BLEEP molar.
And before you object, this ISactually how Miranda gotcommissioned.
OK, I'll play along.
I've got a little musical number that I think might just fit the bill.
# What was wrong with the good old days? # Why does everything have to change? # I much preferred the way things were before # When Britain really had got talent # Justin frigging Bieber hadn't # Brought his insipid music to our shore # Could you even name one of his songs? # The self-important little diva # Going to take a pick-axe to his pretty face # I'm going to murder Justin Bieber # It's easy to sing in perfect time # When all you ever do is mime # Thanks for destroying music Simon Cowell # Every popstar looks like each other # Is that Zac Efron or a Jonas Brother? # Either way they should be disembowelled # I'm going to kidnap all the kids from Glee # And shatter all their femurs # But before he releases one more song # I'm going to murder Justin Bieber # So I'm sticking with my record stylus # Cos you can't buy vinyl Miley Cyrus # That bitch deserves a flesh-eating virus # Ye-e-e-ah! # I'm going to butcher Joe McElderry # With a blunt meat cleaver # And they'll auto-tune his final scream # When I murder Justin Bieber # I'm going to murder Justin Bieber.
# Well, Vince.
What is the verdict? BLEEP.
Excellent.
Robert, I think you're ready.
Now, there is a family fun day in this very garden tomorrow afternoon.
This will be the scene of your comeback.
What do you think? Excited? .
.
I'll take that as a "yes".
Ah, now, Vince, no need for you to join in.
So, just spoke to my bank and apparently they have taken the first payment.
Welcome to the flock, blud.
Cheers, blud.
Now, let's kill a dog! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Kali, where d'you ever hear of a flock of pigeons shanking a dog, man? I think it was an episode of Holby? Dat stupid Holby episode, man.
Well, dat ain't how we operate! We actually do a lot of good work for the community.
D'you see what's happened here? Is it that I've drawn a parallel between pigeon flocks and human street gangs, and have subsequently discovered that parallel to be invalid? That would be my guess, yeah.
I guess I'll have to leave the gang, then.
Hold up! There's only one way to leave dis gang.
Is it to phone the bank and cancel my standing order? No! It's to have sex with all of us.
Yeah! Yeah! Ooh! Not really, no, it's the bank ting.
I'll do that, then.
# Down in the hole # Steve? I cannot continue to live a lie.
I am ready to settle down, with you, and make a commitment.
Oh, look who's back! This time, you're staying with me forever, my little fluffy bear.
So why don't we go round the room, introduce ourselves? Better still, little ice-breaker, when you've got the ball, you say your name.
So Marion.
Ah.
Maybe I didn't explain this clearly enough.
When you've got the ball, you say your name.
So Marion.
Ah.
Maybe I didn't explain this clearly enough.
When you've got the ball, you say your name.
So Marion.
Better still name badges? Those guys started it.
I think someone needs to calm you down, little man.
Robert, this is your five-minute call.
I can't go out I am shaking! You'll be fine, Robert.
There's a decent crowd out there.
And I emailed a top West End agent, asked him to come along.
Really? Is he in? MUSIC: "Earth Song" by Michael Jackson Hard to know, he could be anyone.
Robert! What are you doing? Just a quick one before I go out there.
Steady the old nerves.
You don't need it, Robert! I do need it! You can't stop me, Nelson.
I bloody can! Now hold onto that energy and use it out there.
Your audience awaits.
# What about sunrise # What about rain # What about all the things # This is it.
Now start with a couple of sea shanties, then into the juggling.
Just remember to keep your hands occupied at all times.
Thanks, Nelson.
I couldn't have done this without you.
# This crying earth # Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to start # Ah-ah-ah-aaah # 'If I ever see another bear or tiger, I don't know what I'll do.
' CHIMP SCREECHES Dance, monkey, dance! Oh-oh-oh! It could have been worse.
Luckily the car arrivedin the nick of time.
What, police? No, Scott Mills.
Apparently he's been looking for Robert ever since the incident at his house.
Word is he's got him a job at Radio 1.
Oh, nice.
Yeah.
So here's a happy ending.
Turns out my Chico IS homosexual! Are you sure? She hasn't just bullied you into it? No, she is very kind.
She got me this collar, some poppers, even pierced my ear Right ear, that's the gay one.
.
.
with this knitting needle! Aww! See, he was gay all along.
No, I wasn't, you crazy bitch! Aaaaarghhh! Natasha! Take me back! I am nothing without you.
So now I know how Kerry Katona feels! Old El Paso! So what do you make of it all, Marion? Marion? Marion? Hm? Sorry, sorry, miles away.
Missing Steve? It was the age-old story.
I wanted affection.
He wanted to remove my skin and pump it full of foam.
Oh, well, at least Robert found a happy home.
JINGLE: 'Scott Mills, BBC Radio 1.
'Introducing the station's brandnewsonic trigger.
Radio 1!' One sugar.
I said one sugar, you stupid dick! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid, stupid! It is pronounced "pengwine".
You'll find us a friendly bunch, so long as you don't grow bigger marrows than me.
And whose is that plot? Belongs to old Bernard.
Strange thing is, no-one ever sees him work it, yet it yields the finest produce in the allotment.
Unbeknownst to you, old Bernard passed away six months ago.
Since then I've been tending this plot, working in secret, when the humans aren't around.
Of course, the downside is no-one's looked for his corpse.
FLIES BUZZ Les Ferdinand! I've been vandalised! Strawberry nets torn up, tomato canes snapped! Someone's been eating my fruit and veg! Someone's been eating your fruit and veg? Seriously? That's what we're kicking this off with? No, no, fine.
Nah, if you reckon.
OK, yep, here goes.
Driven from my allotment like a displaced marsh Arab.
Well, I won't stand for it.
I'm going to go back there and sorry, anyone interested? At all? Mmm? Sorry, Nelson.
I have had very rough experience.
See, I was out on the street, touting for owners.
SINGING Looking for some company tonight? No! Why would anyone do such a brutal and oh, Twix.
She binned you off, did she? Ha-ha! Yes! Holler! Bo! Brrrap! Don't hate the player, hate the game, biatch! So she dropped you in a bin.
You live in a bin.
Different.
I felt like I'd been physicallyviolated.
Bit extreme.
Oh no, I hadn't finished the story.
SINGING Oh, hello, Wincent.
Get your coat.
You've pulled.
CRASHING AND SCREAMING All right, Nelson, you camel's hymen.
Hi, Destiny.
Now, just to fill you in, I'm at the centre of an intriguing little mystery involving some horticultural vandalism.
So there really is something for everyone.
Not interested, wankers.
Okie-dokes.
Now then, time to find out who has been eating MY fruit and veg.
I'll, er, let you know if I get any leads.
You teenagers can't scare me.
Come anywhere near me and I swear to God I'll rehabilitate you all.
Please, take anything! Just don't touch my purple sprouting broccoli! It's all right, boys.
Just a fox.
Morgan Freemanlamb! What are you doing here? Tending my allotment.
I work here when there are no humans around.
Same as Nobby and sundryother characters.
Hi, there.
Hiya.
Tally ho.
Greetings.
Be happy.
I had no idea.
But now our land is under threat.
Only yesterday, my plot was torn upby vandals.
That's your plot? But it's all just covered with grass.
I'm a sheep, that's what we eat.
No, fair point.
What else you want meto grow, goddamn baby turnips? OK, OK.
God.
I bet the actual Morgan Freeman isn't this touchy.
'This is the incredible true story of a family's journey 'to bring life into the world.
' March of the Pengwines.
Umm Morgan, can we try that again? I believe you said "pengwines"? Yep.
Instead of "penguin".
Pengwines.
Um Pretty sure it's "penguin".
It is pronounced "pengwine", that is why I said "pengwine", because this is a film about pengwines called March of the Pengwines.
Yeah As a safety-play, you know, give us some options in the edit.
Er could you try one saying "penguins"? Listen to me.
I am Morgan Freeman.
I have played God, I have played US Presidents, I have played Nelson Mandola.
You mean "Mandela"? Son of a bitch! Nelson, you take the midnight shift.
Watch out for intruders.
Okie-dokes.
Well, Steig.
Looks like it's just you and me.
Sorry.
It's Natasha, innit? Yep.
Natasha Hamilton from Atomic Kitten and now making a name on the West End stage? Yep, yeah, it is.
Can I just say, I'm such a big fan of your work.
COUGHS: Bullshit.
Hang on, why I am coughing? I'm a dog, you can't understand me.
Bullshit! He fancies the one off Snog, Marry, Avoid! Could I take a photo of youpulling a pint? Yeah, sure.
Oh! Look at this place! It's like I woke up on Liza Minelli's breakfast table.
Por favor! Ha ha ha! Go on, then.
What's it like spending your whole life being carried by Natasha Hamilton? No idea, ask Liz McClarnon! Oh! Macarena! WHEEZES WITH LAUGHTER It's like everything you lot say is funny! In fact, do you fancy coming with me? No, gracias.
Miss Natasha, she keeps me very well.
No, of course.
I understand.
Still, luckily for me you've got handles so Marion, after the trauma in that bin this is the only way you'll ever feel clean again.
And it's absolutely safe? Oh, yes.
To the extent that, were anyone watching us right now, I would urge them to do it with household pets of their own.
OK! # You spin me right round, baby Right round # Like a record, baby # Wincent? Let's get dirty! BEEPING AND WHIRRING You know, this is actually quite pleasant.
Not spooky at all.
OWL HOOTS Oh.
Hello, Phil Owl.
Oh, hi, Nelson, what you reading? The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest.
Yeah, it's a good page-turner, bit of fun.
I say "fun", it's actually pretty sexually horrific in places I mean, the first 50 pages are fairly slow, but if you Some of the language is a bit clunky love to read them in the original Swedish If I'm totally honest, little surprised how fluffy I came up.
Don't suppose you've got any product? Do I look like Vidal Sassoon? Don't know what he looks like.
Me neither.
I just assume he don'tlook like a pigeon.
Probably safe.
Check out my new friend.
Go on, say something funny! Actually, I'd like to go home now.
Sassy comment now or I drown you! Hey, furball.
Justin Lee Collins called.
He wants his pubic hair back! Oh Los Lobos! SHE LAUGHS Well, he's horrible.
Oi! Don't be so homophobic.
How can I be homophobic? I have many gay friends! Please don't tell anyone, Marion.
If people find out, I'll be expelled from the priesthood.
Fear not, my Father! Your secret is safe with me! H'OK.
Could we forget I told that story? Please? Guten abends, meinen freunden! Lovely nacht for eine wandern! Do him! Do him! Oh, my God, a Nazi badger! You think I'm a little camp, you should see Auschwitz.
Boom, Galliano! SHE LAUGHS Please, that was many years ago.
And the badgers were not really involved at very high levels.
Oh, man! Aren't mean-spirited gay people hilarious?! Whoa whoa whoa.
Hold up one second, yeah? I do the jokes around here.
Hey, you must be Heather Mills.
Because you are totally lame and you feed off beetles! Carlos Santana! THEY LAUGH Wow.
I'm getting a 6.
9 on my zing-o-meter.
That is unheard of! Marion, that's a fag packet with some numbers drawn on it.
And yet it works.
OK, dog.
Call that a put-down? The only "put down" you should have, like, is one from a vet.
Yeah.
Have that.
Brrrap! How do you mean, Kali? Like, when a vet puts you down.
That's the kind of "put down" what he should have.
Done to him.
By a vet! I'm getting around 1.
5, 1.
6.
That's sub-Patrick Kielty.
It just came out a bit wrong.
As your mum said the day you hatched! Woop! Patatas bravas! SHE LAUGHS Right, you'll pay for that.
I'm going to go off right now, and take steps to deal with this.
Steps! Steps.
Right.
Let's see if Nelson has any mousse.
Aw, hello, little fluffykins.
Who do you belong to? Good evening, sir.
As you see from my lack of collar, I am currently between owners.
Wonder if I should take you in? This you would not regret.
I am strong team player, but work well on my own initiative.
I also have excellent IT skills.
Come on, then.
Let's get you home.
Wonderful! Now, I may have over-egged the CV somewhat there.
I meant excellent IT skills for a cat.
True, I know my way around Windows, but my knowledge of HTML is limited.
In summary, I am no Mark Zuckerberg.
MUSIC: Also sprach Zarathustra by Strauss HE GASPS Andy Serkis! Please.
Don't hurt me! Fox mean no harm.
Chimp no want hurt fox.
Chimp sorry.
Why chimp here? On allotment? Chimp lonely.
Chimp want friend.
Chimp no stay here.
Animals mad chimp make mess.
Chimp no mean make mess sorry, can you understand me if I talk normally? Of course I can.
You were talkingas if you had learning difficulties.
Excuse me, I am a member of the Folio Society.
I thought you were slow.
That's right.
You assumedbecause I'm a chimpanzee I must be educationally subnormal.
Well, look, you can't stay on the allotment.
At least not until the next human keels over, and even then there is a waiting list.
Chimp understand.
Chimp not welcome.
Now, stop it! You're just doing that for sympathy.
How did you end up here anyway? Oh, my life used to bea whole lot different.
This photograph explains everything.
Jordy Chandler! You're Yep.
I was a Bubbles impersonator.
What went wrong? What do you think? The King of Pop died, and the Jackson impersonators had no choice but to commit suicide.
# What about sunrise # But enough of my problems.
You're right.
I should leave.
Maybe someone out there will take pity on a poor, lonely, desperate little chimp.
Destiny, I'd like you to meet Robert.
Enchante.
You can't just bring a monkey to live here.
He's probably got loads of diseases.
Oh, Destiny, Destiny, Destiny.
When did a chimpanzee ever introduce an infectious disease into a new population AIDS.
OK.
Apart from Ebola.
All right, those two.
But apart from AIDS and Malaria.
Fine! AIDS, Ebola, malaria.
But I bet you this shiny new sixpence you can't name a Hepatitis B.
God, that was them too? Wow.
Look, sorry, would you mind awfully Obliged.
No problem.
Michael wore them all the time.
He's not staying.
Indeed not.
Once I've rebuilt his career, he'll be back at the top of the showbiz tree! To warn you, I stole a Chihuahua from Natasha from Atomic Kitten and now he's my gay best friend.
He's not one of them avuncular Ian McKellen gays.
He's a nasty Perez Hilton gay, so get ready for a roasting because here comes my gay little friend! Corona Extra! You never heard about knocking? Chico, baby, come back to bed, eh? What?! Hang on.
But that makes you heterosexual! Yeah, it's only my sense of humour that's a little on the camp side.
So, you see, Destiny? It is possible.
Thank you.
That is disgusting.
CHIMP CLEARS THROAT MUSIC: Theme from "The Wire" So, how come you want to join our flock? I'm having problems at home.
This dog, he's always on at me.
Thought you would help.
Still, you can't just, like, rock up here and join the flock, though.
Have to pay your dues, innit, boy? That's right.
Yeah, man.
Ah, the old initiation.
So, what - you're going to force me to have sex with you all? Your membership dues.
Right, right.
Course, yeah.
It's a ã30 induction fee for an initial 12 months, and a flat cancellation charge of 17.
95 with a minimum of four weeks' notice, innit? I mean, if there was some sort of group sex-based alternative There isn't.
I'll doa standing order.
Sweet.
Crazy Wings, give her a form.
Postcode of my three previous addresses?! No-one said it was going to be easy, baby.
Oh, my God.
I'm home.
They finally really did it.
You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! God damn you all to hell! And scene.
APPLAUSE Jonathan Wilkes! How are you not a huge star? It's a harsh world out there, Nelson.
On top of that, I, at moments of stress, have certain nervous habits.
You just need your confidence back, Robert.
One habit in particular.
And I am going to help you get it.
Think about it.
Who is the single most powerful man in the British entertainment industry? If can I just That's right! We're taking this straight to Mr Scott Mills.
I just said, if you get there about 9 nine o'clock, I think that'll be OK, cos she I'll call you back.
Now! Do the dance! Play the ukulele! Juggle! For heaven's sake, do something! Russell Brand! Now that was not on the showreel.
Wow, Steve! What a night.
I haven't felt so loved since I shared that basement flat with those 33 Chilean agoraphobics.
Hey, guys, lovely day out there.
Wow! Those stairs are a killer though.
Did he just say what I think he said? "We're having a High School Musical night"?! Go, Wildcats! Look at all that fur! Aren't you adorable! Well, I wouldn't say "adorable" as such.
(I WOULD say "adorable" as such.
) I could just take you home with me.
Sorry, lady.
I'm already spoken for.
No, I am in a serious relationship.
Oh, what the hell.
But if Steve phones, I am helping you defrag your hard drive.
# And I'm feeling good # Fish in the sea You know how I feel # Blossom in the trees You know how I feel # It's a new dawn, it's a new day It's a new life # For me # And I'm feeling good.
# Nelson, how did you think it went with Scott? Be totally honest now, I can take it.
Well couple of notes.
I wondered if we could perhaps and this might be entirely wrong, just putting it out there maybe try it without the frenziedand inconclusive self-abuse.
I knew it! It was dreadful! You hated it! Robert, please, this is a creative space.
Fine.
I admit that, as a performer, I do have a tendency towards how can I put this delicately? Masturbating in public.
That probably has held me back in the past.
This weekend we'll see a warm front coming down from the north to The betrayer is still alive.
Yes, your logic is correct.
Why not just stop? Find something else to do with your hands? Ah.
Prehensile feet.
That's, um unfortunate.
Though also impressive.
Soon I couldn't find any work at all.
Ended up touring with a Russian Circus.
If I ever see another bear or tiger, I swear I don't know what I'll do.
Oh Hello.
Marion.
It is actually quite rude to stare.
Sure, yeah.
In this situation I am the one who is being rude.
So guess what? I took a spin in the washing machine, now I got, like, 12 owners.
I'm getting fed, like, But are you HAPPY, Marion? Yes.
But are you REALLY happy? Yes.
But are you truly happy? NO! I have a terrible aching in my chest.
I don't know whether this is guilt or incipient heart failure brought on by drinking 25 litres of double cream in 12 hours.
Thank God for my trusty pacemaker.
That's a fag packet with numbers drawn on it.
Myocardial infarction You're in big trouble, little doggie.
Cos I'm in a flock now.
See, I am wearing the flock colours, which is grey, I'm doing the hand signals, which is flappin'.
So once my probationary period is over and my standing order clears, you better watch your back! Girlfriend, you are the most embarrassing thing with wings since Linda McCartney! Wow! Chilli non-carne! Sorry! It's not doing it for me.
Only works if you're gay.
What can I do? Be gay! Sorry, Destiny.
I am what I am.
You must accept this or cast me aside.
Destiny! Halt! Das ist blatant gay-bashing! No, it's fine.
He's not gay.
Oh! Mein mistake.
As you were.
Robert! If we're going to beat this thing you need to practise in front of an audience.
Now, here we have a representative member of the British public.
Morning, monkey BLEEP! Now, I enjoy cheeky, but I will not stand for nothing blue.
If you can entertain Vince without overstepping the boundaries of good taste, you'll be ready to perform again.
If I like what I see, I turn this dial to the left.
If I disapprove, I shove my tail up your arse and out your throat, and floss you like a BLEEP molar.
And before you object, this ISactually how Miranda gotcommissioned.
OK, I'll play along.
I've got a little musical number that I think might just fit the bill.
# What was wrong with the good old days? # Why does everything have to change? # I much preferred the way things were before # When Britain really had got talent # Justin frigging Bieber hadn't # Brought his insipid music to our shore # Could you even name one of his songs? # The self-important little diva # Going to take a pick-axe to his pretty face # I'm going to murder Justin Bieber # It's easy to sing in perfect time # When all you ever do is mime # Thanks for destroying music Simon Cowell # Every popstar looks like each other # Is that Zac Efron or a Jonas Brother? # Either way they should be disembowelled # I'm going to kidnap all the kids from Glee # And shatter all their femurs # But before he releases one more song # I'm going to murder Justin Bieber # So I'm sticking with my record stylus # Cos you can't buy vinyl Miley Cyrus # That bitch deserves a flesh-eating virus # Ye-e-e-ah! # I'm going to butcher Joe McElderry # With a blunt meat cleaver # And they'll auto-tune his final scream # When I murder Justin Bieber # I'm going to murder Justin Bieber.
# Well, Vince.
What is the verdict? BLEEP.
Excellent.
Robert, I think you're ready.
Now, there is a family fun day in this very garden tomorrow afternoon.
This will be the scene of your comeback.
What do you think? Excited? .
.
I'll take that as a "yes".
Ah, now, Vince, no need for you to join in.
So, just spoke to my bank and apparently they have taken the first payment.
Welcome to the flock, blud.
Cheers, blud.
Now, let's kill a dog! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Kali, where d'you ever hear of a flock of pigeons shanking a dog, man? I think it was an episode of Holby? Dat stupid Holby episode, man.
Well, dat ain't how we operate! We actually do a lot of good work for the community.
D'you see what's happened here? Is it that I've drawn a parallel between pigeon flocks and human street gangs, and have subsequently discovered that parallel to be invalid? That would be my guess, yeah.
I guess I'll have to leave the gang, then.
Hold up! There's only one way to leave dis gang.
Is it to phone the bank and cancel my standing order? No! It's to have sex with all of us.
Yeah! Yeah! Ooh! Not really, no, it's the bank ting.
I'll do that, then.
# Down in the hole # Steve? I cannot continue to live a lie.
I am ready to settle down, with you, and make a commitment.
Oh, look who's back! This time, you're staying with me forever, my little fluffy bear.
So why don't we go round the room, introduce ourselves? Better still, little ice-breaker, when you've got the ball, you say your name.
So Marion.
Ah.
Maybe I didn't explain this clearly enough.
When you've got the ball, you say your name.
So Marion.
Ah.
Maybe I didn't explain this clearly enough.
When you've got the ball, you say your name.
So Marion.
Better still name badges? Those guys started it.
I think someone needs to calm you down, little man.
Robert, this is your five-minute call.
I can't go out I am shaking! You'll be fine, Robert.
There's a decent crowd out there.
And I emailed a top West End agent, asked him to come along.
Really? Is he in? MUSIC: "Earth Song" by Michael Jackson Hard to know, he could be anyone.
Robert! What are you doing? Just a quick one before I go out there.
Steady the old nerves.
You don't need it, Robert! I do need it! You can't stop me, Nelson.
I bloody can! Now hold onto that energy and use it out there.
Your audience awaits.
# What about sunrise # What about rain # What about all the things # This is it.
Now start with a couple of sea shanties, then into the juggling.
Just remember to keep your hands occupied at all times.
Thanks, Nelson.
I couldn't have done this without you.
# This crying earth # Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to start # Ah-ah-ah-aaah # 'If I ever see another bear or tiger, I don't know what I'll do.
' CHIMP SCREECHES Dance, monkey, dance! Oh-oh-oh! It could have been worse.
Luckily the car arrivedin the nick of time.
What, police? No, Scott Mills.
Apparently he's been looking for Robert ever since the incident at his house.
Word is he's got him a job at Radio 1.
Oh, nice.
Yeah.
So here's a happy ending.
Turns out my Chico IS homosexual! Are you sure? She hasn't just bullied you into it? No, she is very kind.
She got me this collar, some poppers, even pierced my ear Right ear, that's the gay one.
.
.
with this knitting needle! Aww! See, he was gay all along.
No, I wasn't, you crazy bitch! Aaaaarghhh! Natasha! Take me back! I am nothing without you.
So now I know how Kerry Katona feels! Old El Paso! So what do you make of it all, Marion? Marion? Marion? Hm? Sorry, sorry, miles away.
Missing Steve? It was the age-old story.
I wanted affection.
He wanted to remove my skin and pump it full of foam.
Oh, well, at least Robert found a happy home.
JINGLE: 'Scott Mills, BBC Radio 1.
'Introducing the station's brandnewsonic trigger.
Radio 1!' One sugar.
I said one sugar, you stupid dick! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid monkey! Stupid, stupid! It is pronounced "pengwine".