Mount Pleasant (2011) s02e05 Episode Script

I've applied for a contact order.
I got a solicitors letter yesterday.
I haven't dared open it.
Hiya, Pam! I want you both to come over, what is the point in having a spare room if nobody uses it? We had a massive fight this morning, I I found out there's somebody else.
You must be the young professional male.
Chris will do.
I would like to think that me and you were never just alright.
'Good morning Mr Tickle! 'And look at Miss Cheeky-Face! 'I thought you'd be up by now, you lazy-lumpkins.
'Do you remember, mummy and daddy are going shopping,' 'you promised to mind me, didn't you? Huh! ' How could we forget, Mr Tickle? Fuck off.
Morning! Morning, Sue.
Didn't even hear your key in the front door, must have been miles away.
I've brought his basket, and some pig's ears in case he fancies a chew.
Alright Mum, you're only going out for the day, he's not going to starve.
He can have a bacon butty with me if he likes.
Always dangerous to have me around in the same sentence as bacon and butty.
Um, where do you think you're going? Siphon the python.
You know how it is.
We've got a bathroom out there, thank you very much.
Otherwise occupied.
Apologies, but needs must.
Occupied? Sorry, love, it's your father.
You know how he likes to clear things out and make a fresh start before we go on a long journey.
Oh! There they are.
Bang on time as always.
Make a fresh start! Shh.
Hey, where you going? To find a pot to piss in.
Might have to nip to the Arndale.
Only place anyone can get any peace in this town any more.
Ahh.
Hiya! Hiya, love! I don't know how many times I have to tell you, they're fine! It's just something I've got to get used to.
All the mums wear them.
They're used to it.
You said all the dads wear them last night.
They're just trainers! They make me wobble! I'm not used to being so parallel to the ground.
Stop being paranoid.
Women should walk, not wobble.
Be honest with me, will you? Like I'm never! Do I look like a lesbian? What?! You know, a bit PE teachery.
You can't say shit like that.
It's 2012.
Less of the S-word, thank you very much.
Oh! Oh god, not now, not when I look like this.
Keep going, keep going, keep going.
He's waving.
Keep going, keep going.
Wave, will you? Stop the car! What ARE you doing? It's these bloody trainers, I told you, they're useless! Have you got a contract out on me or something? Oh, don't be silly! I didn't know you were playing.
I would've come and watched.
Yeah?! Oh! W-well that's the last thing you want, your Saturday morning being hijacked.
I know when I'm not wanted.
She didn't mean it.
Come, it'll be fun, go on.
Honestly, it's fine, I'll just go for me run, and then I'll come back and I'll make myself some scrambled eggs and then I'll stare at the same four walls all afternoon.
Alone.
Ooh, blimey.
Just come! We'd love you to come.
Please! Yeah? Great, I'll just get me jacket.
Poor bloke.
I hope he doesn't think you hate him.
Well why would he think that? Well it didn't exactly look good nearly mowing him down, did it? I didn't mean to! You were well rude.
What if he doesn't come back out? Wouldn't blame him if he didn't.
Oh god.
Oh god! Oh god! I'm going home, love.
Are you? Yeah.
Thanks for your hospitality and all that, but there's only so much headboard-banging I can take.
I was watching reruns of Jeremy Kyle half the night because of you two.
Very Sid and Nancy.
Oh, sorry.
Hey, don't knock it, kid.
Enjoy it whilst it's on offer.
I just like me kip, that's all.
I'll help meself to a couple of crumpets, then I'll be off.
You're very kind for putting me up.
I owe you a lager and lime.
Ta-ra! Oh.
Did she really just say headboard-banging? Yeah.
I'm so sorry.
I owe you an explanation.
Do you? It takes a lifetime to perfect walking three inches above sea-level, then something like football comes into your life and you have to start over.
It's a minefield being a woman.
Do you hate them? Hate what? My feet! In these.
Your feet.
I'm sorry.
I'm in a bit of a lather this morning.
Ah, that's an interesting image, Bianca.
It's one I quite like, actually.
Ooh! Oh.
I didn't mean to be rude.
Some of the women have been staring at me at football, and I know they think I'm doolally, but I'm just not a comfy-shoe kind of girl.
Well, you let them stare.
They're jealous.
You look Fantastic.
Come on! I thought it was a shingle.
Just on its own it was, behind here.
You end up blind if you get it past 40, you know.
Well, was it a shingle or not? Terry! Hey, Barry! He-hey.
You alright, love? She's got a shingle.
Oh no! Mm.
Uncle Terry! Auntie Margaret! Well, look at you.
Shall we have a bear-hug? Ha-ha, do mind if we don't? Ooh.
Hello, handsome.
Where are you lot off to? Chorley Mill.
There's a new wine shop.
You don't like wine.
We're doing the Christmas booze run.
Christmas is ages away.
You know what I say, don't you? What do you say, Uncle Terry? Be prepared, never scared.
Come on now, Flossy Pops.
Are you going to be good for Lisa and Dan? Are you? If you put a paw wrong, you're grounded.
Here you are, love.
Cheers.
Come on, you.
Bye! Bye! Have fun, Bazza! Fun? In the car with them two? Are you trying to wind me up? I don't know why your mum and dad put up with him.
People shouldn't have to be subjected to torture just cos they're related.
Oh, please, no.
Do you wanna do something? Like what? Dunno, just something.
I'm starving, we could go and get some breakfast.
Fancy that? Yeah, why not? Why not?! Is that it? Should you not be jumping up and down with glee, saying what a brilliant idea? What a brilliant idea! Eh If you can't be arsed, you could always come and get back in here, you know.
Bit more headboard-banging.
Well, I've just had a shower.
So? Woo.
Oh! Ooh! Ah! I thought we were having lunch out! In case we get hungry before we get there.
We just had breakfast! And it's only half an hour away.
What if there's traffic? What about the services? We can always get a burger if we're hungry.
What if the services aren't in walking distance of the traffic? Bear Grylls would be horrified going on a daytrip with you two, never mind Dead by Teatime, wouldn't he? That's what I love about my Margaret.
Not just a pretty face, eh love? I want a paper.
What? Oh, I'll see you in there.
Alright.
Greg? I thought that was you.
Bloody hell! Is that a compliment? You're bowled over by my beauty? Sorry! No.
I mean, yeah.
Obviously.
You just made me jump.
How are you? Yeah, not bad.
How are you? Great, thanks.
You know, you and me should go out some time.
Grab a burger or something.
Unless you're a veggie.
A veggie? Yeah.
It's just your immediate aversion to the word burger.
Or is it just your immediate aversion to me? Listen, Kim, it's nothing heavy.
It's just me and my ex, we're Spare me the details.
It's cool.
Really cool.
I'm sorry.
No, you're not.
Blokes like you are never sorry, Greg.
You're just good at saying it.
You got nothing to be sorry for if you think about it, so why would you say it? All right.
I was only being polite.
Polite? Oh yeah, that.
Like you were when you legged it the morning after we'd been shagging all night.
Without even saying goodbye.
Yeah, down the line, down the line, that's it! They just don't seem to want to get to know me.
It's not that I haven't made the effort.
It's out of order.
It's out of order.
See her over there? Yeah.
Blatantly ignored me last week.
Well, what about the other one? Big black coat? She looks friendly.
That's it, pass wide! Go on! Bit of a snob.
Green jeans, stripy top.
Over there.
Go on, lad! The one with the big hips! Even bigger backside.
Oh, come on, ref! He's diving! Maybe if you got yourself a bit more involved.
Offered to wash the kits, or something.
You'll soon make friends.
You think so? They can't ignore you forever.
Yeah, there'll be a rota system, just ask at go on, Gary! Yeah! Wooo! Gary! Wasn't he brilliant! Ha ha ha! Five letters.
"Tried hard to grasp point.
" He won't get it.
What's it begin with? I don't know.
He won't know it, and he won't get it.
I don't like cryptic clues.
In the past, they've actually been known to trigger one of my migraines.
Like a bullet right through me temple.
Any other letters? None yet, it's the first clue.
"Tried hard to grasp point.
" I'm more of a Sudoku person meself.
Well you know what I say, love, don't you? The world'd be a boring place if it wasn't for the occasional sexual deviant! Heh heh heh! I feel queasy.
Do you want me to let some air in? Fancy another? All right, love, I'm ready.
As the maid said to the vicar.
Heh heh heh! "Start over with no restrictions.
" Nine letters.
I'm sorry love, I'm just not feeling it.
And before you say a word, Terry, that's a figure of speech.
Come on! How long do you think it's going to be? Shall I ring our Kelly and see if she can ask the Internet what's going on? You can't do that, can you? You can ask the Internet anything, these days.
Go on then, lad, phone her.
And get her to ask it what "Trying hard to grasp the point" is, and all.
Ooft! You all right, love? Motion sickness.
But we're not moving! Don't have to be.
Doctor Philips thinks I'm a phenomena.
Come on! Beverage? Hi.
Well? Beverage? Er, fresh orange.
With bits, or not? With bits, mate.
You hate bits! He hates bits! I prefer them these days, actually.
Do you? Sorry.
Ignore me.
Juice please.
No bits.
Owt else? Two teas, please.
Er, one tea.
Coffee for me, pal.
Coffee? Coffee.
And er, Full Monty.
Extra hash.
Full Monty for me please.
No black pudding, extra mushrooms.
Cheers.
I wanna know what his wife's like.
Might not have one.
I bet she's a right stroppy cow.
And his kids.
I bet he's got dead stroppy kids, and all.
Probably.
What's up? Greg? What's up? Hiya, dad! Hiya, love! Hiya, mum! Hiya, love! Say hello to Auntie Sue and Uncle Barry, love.
- Oo, hi, Uncle Barry and Auntie Sue.
- Hiya, love! We're stuck in a jam.
Oh, no! What kind of jam? A traffic jam.
Ohh, nightmare! Google the traffic report and see if you can find anything out.
About what? About the traffic! We're stuck on the A56.
Yeah, we're about half a mile from the Trafford centre.
Give us a ring back, love.
And make it snappy! Hey, what will you do if you need the toilet, Mum? Hopefully it won't come to that, love.
If you hurry up and get on with it! On with what? Not sure about the jacket.
Mmm.
I bet she doesn't even ski.
Bet you she does.
Bet you she skis in Klosters.
You should see her car.
Oh, blimey.
Must be one of your many admirers! Oh, shit.
Ah, shit.
Shit! Do you know her? Don't say anything.
About what? Don't say anything! Hiya, Chris! What you doing here? Watching the match.
Oh, hello! Obviously.
Bianca, this is Jenny.
Jenny, Bianca.
Pleased to meet ya.
You too, love.
You're um, you're Gary's stepmum, aren't you? Yeah.
We were very sorry to hear about what happened with Gary's dad.
Thank you, that's very kind of you.
How's Cassie and Jake? Excuse me? Is that meant to be funny? Well I haven't seen them since You know.
Since they moved.
And you know fine well I haven't seen them either.
Right then.
It's very nice to meet you, Bianca.
Chris.
Bye.
Bye, then.
Bye, cock.
She was nice.
Lovely, in fact.
Don't let appearances fool you, Bianca.
She is a bitch.
Are Cassie and Jake your children? Yeah.
And I know what your next question's gonna be.
Do you? Uh-huh.
Jenny is my ex-wife's best friend.
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry if that wasn't easy for you.
Are you OK, cock? No! I'm really sorry, I've gotta go.
Hiya, love! Hiya, dad! Hiya, love! Hiya, mum! Well, well? Oh, is that Uncle Barry? Yes! Just tell us what's happening with the traffic! The traffic? Right.
What are you doing? I don't know whether you noticed, Barry, but there's a hundred and one things in here that I've got to do before I die.
And sitting on the A56 for four hours on a Saturday morning is not one of them.
Sorry, pal.
They're all a bit temperamental once they get caged in, women.
Let's never hear another word of it.
She's got a bloody point though, ain't she? Is everything OK, dad? Sue! Sue, love! You all right? I will be, when I get home.
I should have told them to go on their own.
We said we wouldn't go with them again, last time.
I know, love.
I don't know how you kept it together in there.
I don't know how you did, either.
Come on, chick! Shall we go to the pictures? There's nothing on, is there? All right, er fancy a walk in the park? Pff, too full.
Shall we nip up to Tesco then, and get some food in for this afternoon? Actually, I'm seeing Dan for a pint this afternoon.
Oh, right.
You never mentioned.
Since when did I have to? Have to what? Mention.
Sorry! Didn't mean to assume anything.
No, I'm sorry.
You're right, I should have mentioned.
What do you fancy doing, then? Now? Listen, don't take this the wrong way, but I think I fancy going back to mine.
Just on me own for a bit.
I've got stuff to do, you know.
Shit to sort out.
Yeah.
Yeah, OK.
Cool.
Whatever you fancy.
I'll bell you.
Bell me? Yeah, anytime.
Nice.
Hey, I've had an idea.
Hang on a minute, that's what you said last week, when you suggested we went out for the day with Terry and Margaret.
That wasn't an idea, that was a bout of temporary madness! But seriously, Why don't we go on holiday? A holiday? That's a smashing idea.
I could just about manage a couple of nights in the chuck wagon after that fiasco.
No, no, not the chuck wagon.
Now this, Mr H, I like the sound of.
Couple of nights at the Grosvenor, then? Not that, either, I was thinking more Spain.
Spain! What with your phobias? I don't care.
They can't be as bad as me latest one.
Which is a fear of being stuck in a car with just a beef paste sarnie and a demented sister in law for company! Look.
You said it yourself, before.
Think about it.
One day soon, we'll be gone.
One day soon, all this will be finished.
One day soon, we won't even be able to go to Bognor Regis, never mind bloody Spain.
One day soon, we'll end up like Terry and Margaret.
Easy tiger.
You keep mentioning about seeing Pam.
True! One day.
Well, one day when? One day when we're 90? Or one day now? Are you really serious? Watch.
Stick with me, Genevieve, Sir Lancelot will save you.
Ledgers Travel, Timperley Village, please.
As quick as you can, pal.
How much of a row? I don't know if row's the right word.
It just, it felt strange.
Like dodgy.
How dodgy? Like we've been married for five years! But you have been married for five years! But we've been split up nearly one.
Moody.
I hope you gave him a bollocking! No, no, I didn't.
Well I didn't have to, I think he knew he was in the wrong, he felt bad.
Well what was she doing that was so weird? Trying to tell me what to order.
She's a woman, mate, that's the norm, isn't it? Is it though? Does it really have to be? I think he was just tired.
Yeah, that'll be it.
He had every reason to be, actually.
Oh, don't tell me, you didn't stop! All night.
Things can't be that dire if you've had another shagathon.
After we shagged Woah, are you sure you should be telling me this? You asked me how things are, didn't you? Go on.
It felt flat.
Flat? A flat shag? Not the shag, me.
Flat in me head.
She's the best shag of my life, mate, and she knows it.
It's just me.
I'm not ready.
I think I might want him to move back in again.
Really? That's a bit drastic.
Maybe I might just ask him, outright.
Maybe that's why he's been acting strange because he couldn't be bothered dissecting everything.
He's crap at talking, he always has been.
You need to tell her what you're thinking, mate.
Call her up and ask her out or something, tell her you need to talk.
Talk? Just call him up, ask him out and tell him you need to talk.
Shall I? Yes! It's only me.
Hello ladies! How's you been? Good as gold.
Well, Mr Flossy Pops, have you done your duty? Yes, mother.
Next to the canal at lunchtime, and before you ask, Dan took a carrier bag.
Great, that'll be good practice for him.
Practice? For when we ask you to mind him for a little bit longer.
What? Me and your father have got some news.
We're all going on a summer holiday No more working for a week or two.
How fantastic.
Hello, girls.
A holiday! Yeah, you know, one of those things where you go and you don't do anything for two weeks.
And there's sunshine and sangria.
There's something else beginning with S as well, apparently.
What, sand? That's the one! Two weeks? We're going on Monday.
As in this Monday? As in, in two days' time? Your father's treated me.
Haven't you, love? I have.
Aw, that's lovely, Barry.
Isn't that lovely, Lisa? Yeah.
It's lovely.
It's brilliant.
Where are you going? This year we're off to sunny Spain A viva L'Espana We're catching the Costa Brava plane A viva L'Espana This year we're off to sunny Spain A viva Hi.
Hello.
Oh, you had a game? Last night, scored a screamer - top corner.
Good lad.
How are you? Smashing, cock.
Can I give you a hand? No, ta.
Bianca, I am sorry about the other day.
It was a bit stupid of me just to walk off like that.
Rude, Chris, not stupid.
Don't worry, I understand why you did it.
Sometimes I act before I think.
And it gets me into trouble.
Jim used to say I was too nice to people, gave people the benefit of the doubt too quickly.
I just wasn't expecting to see her and it kinda took me by surprise.
I'm not daft.
I know I'm the last person you want your ex-wife's best friend to see you with.
It's not that.
It's not that at all.
You don't have to worry about my feelings, Chris.
I'm quite hard, you know, underneath all this - I've had to be! Bianca! I am really sorry.
It's just a shame, that's all, I didn't have you down as being rude.
I thought we were becoming friends but friends don't treat one another like that - not where I come from.
So maybe not.
Sorry.
Bianca! Bye, cock.
Are you lost, love? Looking for John Barristock.
He's at Steermans, isn't he? Yeah.
I think they've moved, love, hang on a minute.
She might know in here.
Oi, love, do you know where Steermans has moved to? Yeah, it's up Greg? What the fuck are you doing here? I could ask you the same question.
You stalking me? I don't think so, love.
You work here? Look, I'm a bit busy, Greg, sorry.
What do you want? I'm assuming you want something.
Not from you, no.
Steermans? It's round that way.
Right, thanks.
Bye then.
Bye.
And remember, if he misses me, he can always sleep with one of my gardening fleeces.
Aw, cheers, Sue, but I'll be fine with me duvet, thanks very much.
I think she were talking about Alan.
I think he's winding you up.
He won't even know you're gone, not with me around.
Oh, do you need me to call you on Friday to remind you about the tulips? I need you to call me a lot sooner than that! Can I sleep with one of your gardening fleeces, mum? Hey, hey, hey.
Poppet.
It's only for a couple of weeks.
Only? Come on, you'll be late for work.
Work can shove it, this is life, Dan.
This is family.
Come on, flower, it's time.
Bye, kids.
Bye, Sue.
Can you get us some perfume? Course, love.
Or a nice necklace, or something sparkly.
You'll get loads of pressies, don't worry.
Come on.
Can I come in? I'm busy.
What are they for? They're a thank you for being such a lovely new neighbour.
And a sorry for being so rude the other day.
And a "please can I come in and have a cup of tea?" And a "not to worry if you can't be bothered to make one "because I've been such a stupid berk.
" OK.
Yes, it's 77 Woodland Road, Gorse Hill.
Gorse Hill.
Erm, G for Golf.
O for Oscar.
R is for Romeo.
R for Romeo and S for sausages and E for elephant.
And hill is for hill! Denise! Thank you, bye.
Tonight's the night.
Did you phone him? Putty in me hands, we're going for dinner.
Aw, that's fantastic.
Did you know about this? What? John Walker is being headhunted by city people.
You're kidding? Do I look like I'm kidding? Pot of coffee, Denise.
Strong.
Did you see that? It is a crisis, you know neither of them are any good in one.
Erm, don't make excuses for them.
Give people a bit of power and it turns them into monsters.
It's like me nana used to say, "We should treat each other as equals, "no matter where you get to in life.
"At the end of the day, we all look the same when we're sitting on the toilet!" Are you alright? Yes.
No, I mean, are you really alright? You seem a bit vacant, today.
It's that letter The one I told you about.
From the solicitors? From the solicitors? I've been thinking Maybe I should open it.
You've still not opened it? No.
I daren't.
I'm scared.
Love, why didn't say? I don't know, I'm sorry.
You don't need to be sorry.
Listen, how about I open it for you.
Would that help? Come on.
How old is she? He took it the worst.
Did he? Yeah.
Thought he'd be a man about it all.
He thinks he's the man about everything else.
Are they coming to stay then? Soon.
Hopefully.
They're still very angry.
Time helps.
It really does.
Yeah.
I suppose so.
You're scarred, aren't you? Scarred? Yeah, you could say that.
I mean, it must've been a bit messy when it went wrong with your ex-wife.
It was definitely messy.
Don't feel like you have to talk about it.
I don't.
It does help to get things out in the open sometimes.
I I don't feel I have to talk about it, I meant.
And now you're thinking I cant express myself or show any true feelings.
I don't think that.
It's fine.
Really, it's OK.
Thank you, Bianca.
Thanks to you, more like.
What for? Helping me with all this lot.
Ah, it's a pleasure.
Friends? Friends.
Every weekend? Well, they have to kick it off somewhere if you're serious about seeing him.
But I don't want him to see him.
How many more times have I got to say this?! Does no-one understand the English language anymore? Maybe you need a few moments just to take it all in properly.
You think he should see him, don't you? He's his dad, love.
He's not gonna hurt him or take him away from you or interfere with the brilliant job you're doing.
He just wants to see him.
That's all.
You do, don't you? You think he should see him! Maybe I do, love, yeah.
Every weekend.
Over my dead body! Cheers.
I em So I Oh.
Go on, you first.
No, go on, you go.
It's just on me mind.
What is? How we play this.
Play it? Us.
I wasn't aware that it was a game.
I don't mean it like that.
Well, what do you mean? Shell I've loved it, you and me, just getting it back on and that.
There's a "but" here, isn't there? Yeah, there is.
Nothing's changed, has it? You're trying to push me away, aren't you? What's wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me? There's nothing wrong with you.
Then what? What's the matter? I I think it's me that's got the problem.
Oh! You are not seriously gonna come out with that little chestnut, are you? Am I fuck! Then what? Eh? What's the matter? I thought you wanted this.
Exactly.
You thought.
That's just you, isn't it, Shelley? Whatever you think goes, doesn't it? It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
It doesn't matter how I feel.
You thought I wanted no bits in me orange.
You thought I didn't want coffee.
You can't see it, can you? You've not changed a bit and I have.
So You're dumping me? I'm not dumping you.
I just think we should cool it for a bit.
You brought me all the way here to tell me that? I just wanted to talk it through.
Yeah, yeah, so did I.
Shell? Shell? Bloody hell, do I need this! Bad day? Eventful.
Mum and dad have gone away, Denise isn't talking to me and work was just, you know, the usual.
Rubbish.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
How did it go? How's you and Bryan? There is no more me and Bryan.
Oh, love, I'm so sorry.
I can't do it.
I just can't trust him anymore.
I mean would you? Be honest.
Me and Dan fell out once over someone else.
Dan? It was me.
I was just a bit stupid.
But he forgave me.
In the end.
We're all different.
So, you've made your mind up? Solicitors on Monday.
Oh, love, I'm so sorry.
Listen.
Me and Bry had this holiday booked for ages.
Flights, gorgeous little flat on the Costa del Sol.
I think you and Dan should go instead.
What? I can just get the names changed.
I can't do that.
Yeah, you can.
I can't! He paid for it all.
He messed up my life.
I get a bit of revenge, you and Dan get fun in the sun.
Think about it.
Bloody hell, Kim! Oh, sorry.
Hi.
Give me Just give me a sec, the signal's rubbish.
Sorry.
I said I'd call you.
It's fine.
I said, it's fine.
Can I pester you for something? Not sex I hope? Um Jane is prepared to help me when I get joint custody of my son.
Let me come back, Pauline.
Kim! I've just come from yours, thought you'd be having breakfast! It's like a dream come to true isn't it? I've done something What? I went round to see his wife.