Mulligan (2023) s02e05 Episode Script

1
[intriguing music playing]
It's gonna be another scorcher,
and this city
is a tinderbox waiting to explode.
- [glass shatters]
- [screams]
- [girl screams]
- [boy grunts]
More like a fire hydrant. Oh, wait.
[gasps] A.C.! Oh my God! Oh my God!
[screams] Get it off!
[grunts]
- [exhales, grunts]
- [exhales]
Stupid planet [grunts]
[Scotty groans]
Gosh, we gotta do something, Matty.
Dr. Braun, where are we
on building the ice train
from those Coors Light commercials?
- This is the first time you've mentioned
- No more excuses!
[Matty groans]
Whew!
[groans]
[opening theme music playing]
Wow, Braun. So people
were causing global warming?
Well, they're all gone,
and the globe is pretty damn warm.
I knew it was all a scam by scientists
so they could get rich.
How? Name one rich scientist.
Not Batman.
- Iron Man.
- [Axatrax grunts]
- Whoa.
- [Dr. Braun] Ew. Ugh.
Ew.
[in high-pitch] I'm molting so much
I don't even have time to re-greenulate.
Huh. What are y'all still doing here for?
This is where we work.
I'm Lucy.
I knew this would happen sooner or later.
I used to volunteer at a home
for the comically old.
No, I mean it's summer recess.
That magical time of the year
when Congress just clears out of town
and hopes nothing bad happens.
So Mother and I are heading to the shore.
You're going with your mother?
So you're saying she's
Looking forward to the trip, yes.
It's a tradition.
Ever since my dear,
departed father was a senator.
But your mother is still?
Waiting on the porch
for me to pick her up.
- Oh, I do love the shore.
- [joyful music plays]
That cool sea breeze
always makes me feel like a boy again.
Just running on the beach
in the confirmation gown
I wore 'til I was 17.
Ooh-wee!
His mom is for sure dead, right?
Yeah. It's gotta be a Psycho thing
where he dresses up like her.
Okay, that's great for Mr. LaMarr,
but not everyone can pick up and go
to the beach with their dead mother
and have conversations in both voices.
People out there are suffering.
But it's recess.
In school, I loved recess.
Almost as much as detention.
Not going home is the best.
We can do recess
after we set up some air conditioners.
- We've got electricity now
- No, no, no.
We have a limited amount of electricity,
and I need it
to reopen the pumping station.
The gay gym I joined by mistake?
Why reopen that? They were so mean.
No, the water-pumping station
on the Potomac.
D.C. is built on a swamp,
and without that pumping station,
we are one bad rainstorm away
- from giving the city back to the beavers.
- [Matty chuckles]
Okay, I know you think
machines can solve everything,
but people need air conditioners.
What people need
are solutions to bigger problems.
Ones that require thinking, maybe,
I don't know, two steps ahead.
Oh, I see. You think I'm dumb.
Argo, my ideas are dumb.
Well, okay, you wanna talk about beavers?
- What gave you that impression?
- [Matty chuckles]
'Cause I know a lot about 'em.
I did a report on them in school.
And that's what makes beavers
unbeav-lievable.
- Go Running Rebels! Yah!
- [class applauding]
Hang on. Was that in college?
Oh, so my college
isn't good enough for you?
Just 'cause I minored in Animal Trivia?
There are lots of different kinds
of intelligence, Doctor.
Uh-huh. Well, the "kind of intelligence"
that understands electrical engineering
says giving everyone air conditioners
would overload the grid.
And then,
we'll never get the Internet back.
But I was in the middle of downloading
the Shrek soundtrack
when the aliens attacked.
Sorry, Luce, I can't risk it.
You understand. It's Smash Mouth, baby.
[dramatic music plays]
- Whoa!
- [thuds]
Hmm?
Somebody ♪
is stealing electricity
from the White House.
[curious music playing]
[gasps] A machine.
Of course.
Electricity's like food for them.
Please don't do that!
Oh my God, you're helping them?
Or you're one of them! Prove you're human!
Uh
[kisses]
I'm sorry for stealing power,
but there's no climate control anymore.
That air conditioner is the only thing
keeping the United States Constitution
from disintegrating.
Dude, it's just paper.
And paper is just like toilet food.
Like how electricity is machine food,
and heads are hat food.
But people are hats for chairs.
And chairs
You took an oath!
Uh, you swore an oath to preserve,
protect, and defend the Constitution.
Remember?
Please raise your right hand
and repeat after me
After me.
- No, not that part
- No, not that part.
- Okay, stop it.
- Okay, stop it.
- I, Matthew Mulligan, do solemnly swear
- He's not Matthew Mulligan, I am!
This man is an imposter!
Mulligans take that stuff seriously.
Because of a blood oath
my great-great-grandfather swore,
if I ever cross paths with an O'Connor,
I have to be his butler for a day.
Simon, I will guard the Constitution
with my life.
Like Kevin Costner in that movie.
You know, the one
where he plays a bodyguard
and he has to guard that lady's body.
Ah, what's it called? Um
Lady Protector.
[whimsical music plays]
[patriotic music plays]
[LaMarr grunts]
[sighs] Mother, shall I draw you a bath?
[mother] Carty, there's a fly in here.
Go get the swatter, boy.
[LaMarr] Right away, Mother.
[Axatrax inhales] Ah.
[mother] That's right,
you take good care of Mother, don't you?
Nothing's ever gonna come between us.
[LaMarr] Not even the grave.
We'll be together forever, no matter what.
At least Norman Bates was subtle about it.
[curious music playing]
Yup, and there's the corpse.
- Who's there?
- [gasps]
Have we met?
You'll have to forgive these old eyes.
I'm guessing, from that green uniform,
that you're one of
Cartwright's Army friends?
You bet.
- Anyway, gotta go.
- [door opens]
Good gravy! No, great gravy, Mother's own!
Carty, you didn't tell me
you were bringing
a friend out from the city.
I'm green because of my uniform.
Uh, Mother, would you excuse us?
- What do you think you're doing?
- How is your mother alive?
Good genes, clean living, and a ham a day.
Oh, thank goodness
I took away Mother's spectacles
so she couldn't see
what's become of this world.
So she has no idea
That Barack Obama
wasn't just an Irish fella?
No, sir.
What are you two going on about out here?
Well, Axat
Axel was just saying he had to leave.
I need to wash my teeth. They are filthy.
But won't you stay for tea?
It's been so long since I've had a caller.
Carty, go put out the good service.
[chuckles] Of course, Mother.
So, Axel, where are your people from?
I'm West Philadelphia born and raised.
On the playground
is where I spent most of my days.
Oh, wonderful.
- [mechanical whirring]
- [heroic music playing]
Good to go, pumping station.
[in cute voice] "Gee, thanks, Farrah."
[laughs] See? I'm fun.
Take that, Department of Defense
personality test I failed.
[mechanical clanks]
- [dramatic sting]
- [groans]
[curious music plays]
Lucy, you fried the whole grid.
Oh, what happened?
Oh, the last thing I remember
is some bandits knocking us all out
because we wouldn't let them
set up air conditioners.
I told them about your grid thing,
but you know bandits.
Okay, I know this isn't
the work of bandits.
I heard Grimes yell,
"She's coming. Just say bandits did it!"
[Grimes] Is that supposed to be me?
Also, Vance Barry keeps giggling.
[giggling] A worm crawled in my ear.
I told you not to do this.
Actually, you told me we couldn't
give everyone an air conditioner.
This is only, like, six.
And they were all special cases.
Scotty said, and I quote,
"Ahm fuggah chokah ahmah onh bah sweh!"
And the personal massager?
It's for my shoulders,
from working at a desk all day.
I had just gotten
the pumping station online.
Now I have to fix
the entire electrical grid before
[thunder rumbles]
[sighs]it rains.
Well, I hope you like
being surrounded by beavers.
I do. They're fascinating.
They produce a substance
called castoreum to mark their territory.
It smells like vanilla.
But it tastes terrible!
- [thunder rumbles]
- [piano glissando]
[groans]
- [crackles]
- [water plops]
Matty!
[in slow-motion] Rain!
No!
- [Matty grunts]
- [heroic music playing]
Whoa.
[Matty yells]
[Simon groans]
[Matty] I failed.
Protecting Connie was my only job.
And I failed.
I'm too sad to correct that.
Nope! I'm correcting it.
You have so many jobs!
Article Two, Section Two,
"The president shall be
commander-in-chief of the Army and Navy."
"He shall have the power
to grant reprieves and pardons."
- "Appoint judges"
- Whoa.
How much of that thing do you know?
All of it.
It got me a college scholarship.
"shall take effect until an election
of representatives shall have intervened."
- Ha!
- [audience applauds]
It's all in your brain.
- Simon, you're the Constitution now.
- [dramatic music playing]
I have to protect,
preserve, and defend you.
- Well
- [kid] Knockout game!
[grunts] Dammit. Not again.
Dudes, I got big-head guy!
Hey! You don't
treat the Constitution like that.
- Apologize to the Constitution!
- I'm sorry.
- Do it!
- I'm sorry, Mr. Constitution. [grunts]
- Did he hurt any of your amendments, sir?
- No, uh, I'm good.
[whimsical music playing]
I'm
very good.
[Axatrax and Mrs. LaMarr laughing]
You can't tell
the boys from the girls these days,
- what with the way they wear their hair.
- [Axatrax scoffs]
Preaching to the choir, Mrs. LaMarr.
Oh, do call me Henrietta.
You You know, Mother,
if the president dies, I become president.
Oh my, do I see
the green-eyed monster poking up his head?
No! Where? Let's kill it!
I just mean Carty's getting jealous.
He isn't used to sharing me.
This trip was
one of the few times all year
we'd see Carty's father.
Well, the Senator was a busy man.
I mean, he couldn't waste time
having a catch with some sickly boy
who most likely wouldn't even live
to cast a vote.
And now it's really just the two of us.
Yeah, I'm at that age
where all your friends are long gone.
But y'all are too young
to understand what that's like, Axel.
Actually, Henrietta,
I've lost all my old friends, too.
In war.
You poor thing.
Cartwright never saw action
because of his chronic ticklishness.
[both laughing]
Well, I think it's time for our guest
to be skedaddling on back to the city.
Cartwright Foghorn LaMarr,
I know I raised you better than that.
Mr. Axel, you came all this way.
I insist you spend the night.
The night?
But that's when Carty puts on his show.
I brought my sailor suit! Ugh!
[Axatrax sighs] Offspring.
[whimsical strum]
[splashes]
[whimsical music playing]
[Dr. Braun sighs]
Quick question. What am I looking at?
The Constitution of the United States
and his lady protector.
Obviously.
Matthew, I'm peckish. Pringle me.
Okay, I'll be right back.
But if Braun tries
anything violent or sexual or both
[jingles]
Sorry, you're the Constitution?
Well, the original
got destroyed in the storm,
and as far as Matty knows,
the only existing copy is up here.
But eventually,
he's going to find out other copies exist
whenever he goes to a library,
bookstore, or
Oh, okay, it's a good plan.
So until I'm able to write it all down,
Matty will be honoring his sworn oath
to preserve, protect, and defend me.
Maybe I'll even add a few amendments
to keep my bodyguard around longer.
Yeah, except you're relying on a dum-dum.
He starts having his own ideas,
next thing you know,
you're fixing solar panels in the rain
and lightning hits
so close you can do this now.
- Ow.
- Just be careful.
'Cause you know
who tends to get hurt around dum-dums?
Everyone but them.
Huh.
Yeah.
That's a great idea.
[whistle blows]
Matthew, field trip!
[Matty] I'm coming,
oh great founding document!
[upbeat music playing]
Yadda.
Yadda.
[Matty grunts]
[wailing] Yadda!
Whoo-hoo! Throw it to me. We're so random.
Come here, you.
[bridesmaids grunt]
[upbeat music continues]
[music fades]
[LaMarr snoring]
- [dramatic music playing]
- What?
[grumbles]
[door hinge creaks]
Is everything all right, Mother?
[Henrietta screaming]
- Oh, Axel.
- [Axatrax wailing]
Oh, Kragnorp!
Oh, Kragnorp!
- [Axatrax wails]
- [Henrietta moans]
- Uh, kind of in the middle of something.
- Oh my.
- Oh! Oh!
- [Axatrax] Ack-ack-ack-ack!
[Henrietta continues moaning]
Ayup.
Nor'easter blowing in.
- [somber music playing]
- [pops]
Well, still got the good 'un.
Ayup.
That's what I get for boastin'.
[Dr. Braun grunting]
Farrah, I know you're mad at me,
but I think I can help.
Do you know how to fix a transformer?
Is it an Autobot or Decepticon?
Because if it's a Decepticon, ugh,
there's just no talking to it.
Lucy, the city is becoming a swamp again,
just like I said.
The beavers are taking it back.
[beavers chittering]
And that's what gave me this great idea.
Beavers build dams,
and we're way smarter than beavers.
Their brains are only the size
of three roulette balls.
Right, I forgot you studied Animal Trivia
in Las Vegas.
I'm just trying to help.
There's no bad ideas in brainstorming.
No, there's lots of bad ideas.
Prime-time sketch comedy shows,
dating and then having a bad breakup
with your doorman,
and, oh yeah, building a dam
with zero engineering expertise.
You know, I'm not dumb.
I have very high emotional intelligence.
[laughs] That's my favorite
other kind of intelligence.
Thank you for that.
I'm gonna prove to you
that you're wrong about me.
Damn wrong.
Pun intended?
Uh, wouldn't you like to know!
[whimsical music playing]
[sips]
[dramatic sting]
So sleep well?
You know I didn't. What even was that?
Ah, "the talk."
[sips]
Cartwright, when two adults
have special feelings for each other,
and at least one of them is a Cardibean,
they can meld into a single consciousness
of unrivaled pleasure on an astral plane
we call "The Bang Zone."
"Special feelings." You just met.
And your mother is so my type.
Her translucent, barely-there skin.
Those knobby joints. And, oh, the angles.
Of course you're attracted to her.
She's the prettiest mommy ever.
Father was the luckiest daddy
in all of Daddy Town.
Population, daddies.
But it's not just that.
I'm 340 years old.
You humans are like infants to me.
But that woman is different.
She's seen things. She's lived.
And it makes the mind-sex amaze-balls.
Well, that tears it,
you cockroach Casanova.
I want you out of my house this instant.
I don't know, I like it here.
I haven't molted once.
And I think your mother enjoys my company.
[Henrietta] Oh, Axel.
Could you help me in the bedroom?
[Axatrax chuckles]
Andiamo.
- This means mommy war.
- [dramatic music plays]
I can't believe I have
the Swedish Embassy all to myself.
It's an architectural jewel.
I tried to visit before the attack,
but the women were so tall.
And after the attack,
it was feral Cub Scout territory.
Well, now it's all yours, sir.
Thanks to your lady protector.
Hey! I said get out of here!
[boys groan]
How's that coming?
I mean, I like beating up kids
as much as the next grown man,
but I do have other jobs to do.
Article Two, yo!
Well, uh, I've got to make sure
I write down all the amendments.
Oh no, of course.
I mean, how many are there?
- Um, a thousand?
- I beg to differ.
Ha! I forgot about this goober.
It's Gobert.
Gobert Pwondextay.
And, at the risk of further humiliation,
I would point out
that there are only 27 amendments
to the United States Constitution.
What does he know?
He's just a boy. [chuckles]
I'm a full-grown Constitution.
Let me see that.
What? Huh?
Well, of course, these are fake.
"Congress shall make no law respecting
a dog's ability to play basketball"?
"Barbers aren't allowed to talk to Simon"?
Oh, and this one's ridiculous!
America would never ban alcohol!
- In all fairness
- Well, actually
So this whole time, you were just using me
to beat up your enemies?
Or to visit
this truly breathtaking building
that combines form and function?
It started that way.
But then
Yeah, no,
that's what it was the whole time.
I was just trying to do my oath,
and you lied to me.
Well, you know what else
Mulligans take seriously, pal?
Grudges.
So you're dead to me.
And I'm taking the real Constitution.
I can't do Roman numerals, so make it 27.
[Simon groans]
[Matty grunts]
[patriotic music playing]
Matty, I'm sorry, wait.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[grunts, groans]
That aggravated an old sneezing injury.
[grunts, groans]
[whimsical music plays]
Lady Protector?
Ugh! Which aisle is dam supplies?
Oh, Matty.
What are you doing here?
I'm gonna build a new case
for the real Constitution.
The lightning bolts are optional,
but I think they make it look fast.
I was gonna say.
Oh, excuse me, sir, do you work here?
Oh, sorry, this isn't my section.
[malevolent giggles]
At least Home Depot hasn't changed.
Ugh, why did I say I could build a dam?
Farrah's gonna be like,
"Y'all are dumb, giggity-giggity."
Ugh, I can't do White voices.
That's how Simon treats me!
You know, smart people are the worst.
They don't get that there are
other kinds of intelligence.
Like, my intelligence is how strong I am.
And you know everything about beavers.
Yeah, that was great before the attack.
A lot of good it does me now to know
beavers' hands and feet are different.
For real? That's so weird.
Wait, so are mine. Why?
Or the fact that if a beaver
[gasps] That's it!
Do you think you can design
a dam as good as this cabinet?
Does a bear crap in the woods?
Animal trivia.
They do.
[whimsical music plays]
[creepy laughs]
[upbeat music playing]
[LaMarr] Summer Mommy
Baby's best friend ♪
[Axatrax] Summer Mommy
He can't contend ♪
[both] Summer Mommy
No daddies in sight ♪
- We are having a mommy fight ♪
- [bell rings]
Well-a, well-a, well-a ♪
[LaMarr] Check me out, check me out ♪
I can do flips ♪
[Axatrax] Chack-ack mohrr
Chack-ack mohrr ♪
I kissed your son on the lips ♪
[LaMarr] If you ask me
Mommy's a queen ♪
[Axatrax] You know the saying
"Once you go green" ♪
- [ethereal swell]
- [LaMarr grunts]
[LaMarr] I lost the mommy ♪
[both] Fight ♪
[Matty] Well, dams are the way
We show water who's boss ♪
If you don't like dams
I'd say it's your loss ♪
The river's a-floodin'
And it's gettin' real high ♪
Gonna show those nerds
We're also smart guys ♪
It's a summertime dam-boree ♪
When you're Richard Kimble
And you're running from the law ♪
A dam is the place
You'll take a nasty fall ♪
Your wife was killed
Because of Provasic ♪
It's a summertime dam-boree
It's a summertime dam-boree ♪
It's a summertime dam-boree ♪
[pop music playing]
[Simon whimpering]
You're summer drownin'
You're goin' to that watery grave ♪
Stop your frownin'
Your corpse is riding on a wave ♪
Summer drownin'
The end is almost here ♪
If you're countin'
Thousands die this way each year ♪
[whooshes]
It's funny what you people
thought was news
the day before we invaded.
"He is survived by his wife and children."
[chuckles] Not for long.
This is over.
Oh, are you heading back to D.C.?
No. I'm going nuke-ulah.
- I'm giving Mother these back.
- [dramatic sting]
When she sees you're a buggy-wuggy,
she'll throw you out
on whatever part of your body your ear is.
Is this about the sand motel?
You know it's about the sand motel!
I spent the whole day
doing everything I could think of
to be the world's best boy,
and you didn't look at me once.
I didn't look at you?
I mean she didn't look at me, Daddy.
Uh-oh.
This might not be about your mother.
- [somber music plays]
- Oh, sweet and salty Jesus.
Mmm, it makes sense.
This week at the beach
was your one chance a year
to make an impression on your father.
And I never could.
I did everything
for the distinguished daddy
from South Carolina.
The Army, law school, the Senate
But he never came
to one graduation or swearing-in or war.
He didn't even come
to my Freemason lodge's
performance of Wicked.
And guess who I was?
I was one of the monkeys.
You did all that for your father.
And he never even had time
to play catch with little Carty.
[somber music continues]
[dramatic music plays]
But we could have a catch.
[Axatrax] Mmm.
I could never please my father either.
I think he always looked down on me
'cause I wasn't able to eat him as a baby.
So I'd love to have a catch with you.
But I won't.
[stammers] But but you just said
Cartwright LaMarr,
on this stupid, squirrel-infested planet,
you are a great man.
You've achieved so much,
all because of an insatiable desire
for the fatherly approval
you could never get.
If playing catch with me
somehow brought you closure,
why I'd be doing the world,
and you, a disservice.
Do you think that's what Daddy was doing?
Absolutely not.
But you know what he was doing?
[pattering]
- [door slams]
- [dramatic music plays]
They sure don't waste a lot of time
with the preliminaries.
[Simon whimpers]
You know, they say when you drown,
it feels like drinking hot lava.
Thank you, Gobert.
[water bubbling]
- [gasps, strains]
- [dramatic music plays]
For a first dam, not bad, right?
[beaver grumbles]
- Oh my God, you smell amazing.
- [whistle blowing]
Oh, I knew a constitution
that had a whistle like that.
Now he's just a Simon.
And I'm protecting the crap
out of the real
- Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!
- [patriotic music playing]
What the hell?
"Intoxicating liquors prohibited"?
That's really in here?
The booze thing was real.
- [whistle blowing]
- [dramatic music playing]
[water bubbling]
[heroic music playing]
Oh, damn, you're heavy.
But Mulligans refuse
to lift with their legs.
You came back.
Look, what you did was messed up.
But the real Constitution
is not so great either.
Outlawing booze was wicked dumb.
Like Mark Wahlberg
trying to get his record expunged dumb.
It just draws
more attention to what he did.
Point is, everyone makes mistakes.
Even the Constitution.
And if I'm not gonna give up on it,
well, I guess
I can't give up on you either.
I am sorry, by the way.
- And you can put me down whenever.
- No, I can't. This is our big moment.
[R&B music playing]
Ay-ee-ay-ee-ay ♪
I'll always guard you ♪
Lady protector ♪
- [grunts] Hey, get in the water.
- [shark grumbles]
- Wait, what happened to the water?
- [squelching]
No.
That's impossible.
[inspiring music playing]
Hi, Farrah. I did dam.
How's your thing going?
Okay, I'm dreaming. Someone pinch me.
- [claw snaps]
- Ow!
Was that a coincidence,
or do I speak lobster now
'cause I got hit by lightning?
[Lucy] You're not dreaming.
But you are forgetting
I minored in Animal Trivia.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Dolphins kill for sport.
And beavers have
a natural instinct to fix broken dams.
Whether they built them or not.
So all I needed to do
was build the world's worst dam.
So you got Matty
to help fix the problem you created.
I've got to say,
I never would have thought of this.
Different kinds of intelligence, right?
So now I guess we can focus our attention
on catching those bandits.
The bandits weren't real, Farrah.
Wow. Book smarts.
[intriguing music playing]
[Axatrax] That was a summer
none of us would ever forget.
We learned about ourselves.
We learned to forgive.
We went through some daddy stuff.
We, uh, got new legs.
I don't know what's going on here.
- And we had mind sex with LaMarr's mother.
- [dogs barking]
Lots of it.
Life moves pretty fast.
If you don't stop and look around
every once in a while
No! That's too soon. I'm not done.
[grunts]
Oh well, that's just great.
[upbeat music playing]
[Matty] Well, dams are the way
We show water who's boss ♪
If you don't like dams
I'd say it's your loss ♪
The river's a-floodin'
And it's gettin' real high ♪
Gonna show those nerds
We're also smart guys ♪
It's a summertime dam-boree ♪
When you're Richard Kimble
And you're running from the law ♪
A dam is the place
You'll take a nasty fall ♪
Your wife was killed
Because of Provasic ♪
It's a summertime dam-boree
It's a summertime dam-boree ♪
It's a summertime dam-boree ♪
[whimsical music playing]
[music ends]