My Name is Earl s02e05 Episode Script
Van Hickey
My name is Earl.
Some things are so amazing, you have to capture 'em on film.
Like U.
F.
O.
s or bigfoot.
OrJoy doin'volunteer work.
Cherry, bucket.
Joy had recently gotten in trouble with the law and her deaflawyer thought it might help sway a jury if she could prove that she was a givin'member of society.
Hey, Earl, get this on film.
I'm gettin' ready to hug one of these old coots in a second.
Hey, is that Earl Hickey? I recognized that voice as soon as I heard it.
It was Tom Sparks.
Number 50 on my list- kicked the lead singer out of my band.
Sometimes great things just happen by accident.
Like the way peanut butter and chocolate came together.
Or Mount Rushmore.
We sounded good.
Randy, where'd you learn how to drum like that, buddy? - Right there, just then.
- No way.
You know what? We should start a band.
Van Halen started with two brothers.
We could be Van Hickey.
And Ralph.
Hey, you know, I bet if we played real instruments, we could have sex with real girls.
Yeah, rock and roll, buddy! Yeah.
- Hey, you guys formin' a band? - Damn straight, clown.
You need a lead singer? - Yeah, I guess we do.
- Hold on, Earl.
How do we know this clown can even sing? Hello, may I take your order? Would you like to try our new fish tacos? You can add "guaca-mole" for only 99 cents extra.
- You're in, buddy.
- Yeah.
- Whoo! - Rock and roll, buddy! The lead singer's the most important person in a band.
The Stones haveJagger, The Who have Daltrey and we had well, this guy, who looked older than both of'em put together.
Hey, it's my band! Here, let me get my glasses to get a good look at you.
After a couple of rehearsals we booked a gig at the Crab Shack for 20 bucks each but we weren't doin'it for the money.
- Hey, ladies.
- We're rock stars.
You can tell from our rock star pants.
See all the zippers? Guess what's in that zipper.
- Licorice.
- Maybe I'll see what's in the other zippers.
More licorice.
Hello, ladies.
MTV.
Video games.
The Internet.
I think your dad's havin' a stroke.
I'm not his dad.
I'm the lead singer.
The top cat.
Ew! If I wanted to get hit on by an old guy, I'd move back home.
Let's go.
The fact that Tom was scarin'away the chicks was a bit unpopular with the guys.
All in favor of kickin' the old guy out of the band.
Now all in favor ofkeepin'the old guy who's creepin'out all the chicks, man.
- Sorry, Tom, you're out.
- Oh, yeah? Well, maybe the three of you are out.
Did you ever think about that? Hey, man, whatever makes you feel better about leavin' as fast as possible, all right? - Fine.
- It was tough.
But Ralph was right.
Tom was holdin'us back.
Could one of you guys give me a ride home? I'm not allowed to drive after sunset.
- Oh, yeah, buddy.
Come on.
- Thanks.
That Friday night Phish Tahko gave its debut performance.
to anybody who promised to take 'em off after the show.
So in keeping with true rock star fashion, after the show we took the chicks back to Ralph's mom's house and partied in our underwear.
Mom! Ralph's mom even made us Rice Krispie squares.
Yeah! Look at that right there.
After explaining my list to Tom I apologized and offered him the 20 bucks he would have made from the gig.
Don't want your 20 bucks.
Want to be back in the band.
Sorry to tell you, Tom, but there is no band.
We played one gig, got drunk, got laid and sold our instruments to get more beer.
Well, at least you had the one night.
You got to experience the thrill of the show.
The party with the chicks.
See, everybody in here's got, you know, one great memory they can look back on.
You know, like, how they climbed a mountain.
How they fought in a war.
I once tongue kissed a Jamaican woman.
See? Everybody's got somethin'.
What do I got? Nothin'.
You took away my one shot at bein' a- a rock star.
You know what, Tom? I don't think I can make you a rock star, but I can sure give you one hell of a memory.
I think it's time to get the band back together.
After rentin' some second-hand instruments and explaining my situation to the guys, everybody agreed.
It was time for Phish Tahko to feed its fans once again.
All right, guys, remember, when one of us stops playin', we all stop playin' 'cause that means the song's over.
When one of us starts playin', that means the next song's startin'.
There's still licorice in here.
Hey, T.
, I'm sorry about votin' you out of the band before, buddy.
- It's cool.
- No, man.
I was young and immature and, you know, I didn't have much of a father figure so I didn't know about, you know, respect your elders and manners and simple kindness even, buddy.
- It's okay.
- Who's the old guy? That's it.
We gotta kick Tom out of the band.
All in favor.
You can't kick me out again.
I'm on Earl's list.
Here.
Right between, um "I've been wasteful" and "Slept with Ralph's mom.
" Number 51- "Slept with Ralph's mom.
" It was true.
I did sleep with Ralph's mom.
But it wasn't entirely my fault.
Hey, there.
Which one of you wants to come check out the glow stars on my bedroom ceiling? - I do.
- Wasn't talkin' to you, Randy.
I'm lookin' for somebody a little bit more photogenic.
- I'll go.
- Yeah.
Hey, the two of you can take the laundry room.
- Are there stars in there? - Only you, rock star.
Whoo! After a show, a rock star needs an outlet where he can let off his extra energy.
Unfortunately, my outlet had a sweet tooth and binged on Jell-O shots.
And there she was.
She wasn't young, but she was conscious.
And besides, she made us Rice Krispie squares.
Earl, did you sleep with Ralph's mom? Ralph, look, I'm sorry.
It was- It was a mistake.
That's why she always sends you a Christmas card.
If there's a top 10 list of topics a man never wants to discuss with another man I'd bet "Sorry I slept with your mom'"ranks number two.
- Right after "Sorry I slept with your dad.
'" - Ralph I'm really sorry you had to find out that way.
I've always wanted to tell you, even before I started my list.
I feel awful.
Me, too, Earl.
You know, I've been rackin' my brain tryin' to make this right between us, given that we're lifelong friends and all.
And seems like there's only one fair solution.
- I'm gonna have to kill you.
- Kill me? Don't take it personal.
Believe me, nobody's gonna miss you more than me.
Ralph, you're not really gonna kill me? You're gonna kill me.
I don't really have a choice, you know.
I thought about cuttin' your junk off, but that just don't feel right, buddy.
No.
No, no, it doesn't.
Damn, I really painted you into a corner, didn't I? Oh, shoot, man, I've been in corners before.
Anyway, listen, given that we're lifelong friends, I figured I'd give you about 12 hours to get your affairs in order and say your good-byes, all right? Wait, wait.
No, no, Ralph.
There's gotta be a way, man.
Earl, I'd appreciate it if you didn't touch me with the same hand that defiled my mother.
I'm sorry, Ralph, but there's gotta be another way, man.
Eleven hours and 59 minutes.
Since I knew I couldn't get Ralph to change his mind I went to talk to the one person I knew he would listen to.
Anyway, uh, I was hopin' you'd talk to Ralph and get him to, you know, not kill me.
Of course I will.
And don't you worry, Earl.
That boy will do anything I say.
Well, thank you, Mrs.
Mariano.
I really appreciate it.
The question is, what are you gonna do for me? Uh, clean your rain gutters? Ooh, I like the sound of that.
Oh, Mrs.
Mariano, I'm sorry.
I- I can't do this.
Y- You don't find me attractive, is that it? You don't have to look at me.
I've got five porn channels and four ESPNs.
Wow.
Well, if I were more of a- a porn or a sports guy, that'd be a great offer.
- But I can't do it to Ralph.
I'm sorry.
- Well, what are you into? You like popcorn shrimp? I can put a plate on the nightstand where you can reach 'em.
He's gonna kill you.
Men don't like it when other men sleep with their mothers.
- It is why my brother killed my father.
- Do you have to leave town? Why don't we just kill Ralph? That'd keep him from killin' you.
That's no good.
Then his spirit will haunt your dreams.
But if he kills you, you get to haunt his dreams, so you win.
Yeah, I don't know if I want to win like that.
I figured I better get out of town until Ralph calmed down.
And since that could take till forever I decided it'd be nice to stop by my folks'house and tell 'em good-bye.
- Hey, good buddy.
- Ralph, what are you doin' here? Well, I figured another way out of this mess without havin' to kill you.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm gonna sleep with your mom.
Yeah, buddy.
- Wait.
Wait.
What-What are you talkin' about? - Hey, look who's here.
Hey, Earl.
Ralph came by here lookin' for you and he accidentally spilled some tomato juice on his pants.
Yeah, I was all thumbs, buddy.
Completely spilled it.
- I told him, take those pants off.
- Yeah, and off went the pants.
- Now they're in the dryer.
- Yeah, now I'm wearin' your daddy's robe.
- Wait, where is Dad? - Someone threw a brick through the front window of the store and he went down there to get the glass replaced.
- World full of weirdos.
- Oh, boy, ain't it the truth.
Just seems like you can't even leave the house anymore.
Uh-oh, pants are done.
I'll be back.
Yeah.
Sweetheart.
She's a sweetheart.
Look, Ralph, I appreciate you tryin' to find a way not to kill me but there is no way my mom's ever gonna sleep with you.
You're good enough to sleep with my mom, but I ain't good enough to sleep with yours? No, look, you're good enough, but I just don't think she's gonna go for it.
We'll see about that, buddy.
Earl, I got- I better go help your dad.
There's plenty of cookies for everybody, but don't spoil your dinner.
Uh, yeah, just for the record your mom doesn't like the, uh, under-the-arms-around-the-side double-boob scoop.
I- I don't know what to say to that, Ralph.
Yeah, well, it doesn't really matter, 'cause, uh, your time's up anyways.
Wai- Hold-What are you doin', Ralph? Let's talk about this! My mama, Earl.
I lived in her for nine months when I was just an itty-bitty baby! That was my first home! You broke into my home, man! I didn't break in.
The door was wide open.
Uh- Uh, not wide open.
Just wi-wide enough to get in.
Well, tell it toJesus.
You disgraced his favorite angel.
She is an angel! A princess! The most perfect woman in the whole world! I wish I could have married her! You do? Of course.
Keeps me up sometimes just, you know, thinkin' about what I missed out on.
Marry my mama.
Yeah, well, I guess what you did wouldn't be so bad if y'all end up gettin' married.
Yeah, that'll work.
And that's how I got married to Ralph's mom.
So me and Ralph's mom got married.
I guess you wouldn't call it a shotgun wedding.
It was more like a cocked-handgun-pressed-firmly against-your-temple wedding.
What a day! What a day! Well, I'm gonna get out of this dress before I spill somethin' on it and can't return it.
Besides, this tag is diggin' in my armpit.
Hey, Randy, wait till you see our room, man.
Mom let me get a strobe light.
Just give me a few minutes to put on "Mr.
Roboto," man.
I'm gonna blow your mind, buddy.
- I'm glad you're not dead, Earl.
- I am, too, Randy.
It's a good feeling.
So is there more to this plan or are we just gonna live here forever? Randy, you know you don't always have to live where I live, don't you? What do you mean? Never mind.
Yeah, we'll be here forever.
Gettin'suddenly married to your best friend's mom so he won't kill you can have an unsettling effect.
So it felt good to get back to somethin'normal-my list.
Oh, man, I can't believe it.
Phish Tahko lives.
That's right, buddy.
The band is back together.
We're playin' the Crab Shack Friday night.
Red rover, red rover, send Betty right over.
Just like that, I was a family man again.
So far, this marriage was better than my last one.
My wife cooked, and at least one of my kids was a blood relation to me.
And compared to all the sirens and the loud hooker fights at the motel livin'here was peaceful and homey.
And we actually spent time together like a real family.
And I found it was easier puttin' these boys to bed than my last two.
Mainly 'cause these boys drank themselves to sleep before story time.
And I know it might sound crazy, but as far as forced marriages go this one was turnin'out pretty nice.
I guess bein'married to Ralph's mom was somethin'I could get used to.
And at least I could have if not for one thing.
I had a new older wife who expected me to fulfill my husbandly duties.
Sorry.
Uh, I just ate a big meal.
M- My doctor says, uh I have to wait at least three hours before swimmin' or humpin' so don't wait up.
And every night that week, after the boys went to bed I came up with a new way to avoid my husbandly duties.
There's a bunch of birds unfairly attackin' a squirrel on the lawn.
I gotta get involved.
Don't wait up.
The string came out of my sweatpants.
It's gonna be an all-nighter.
The Chinese are on the march.
I'm on hold with Mike from Bombay.
He's tryin' to walk me through the new toaster.
Randy got out.
Gotta go find him.
I have to drive three counties over to get some rubbers.
I'm an odd size.
Hey.
- What in the hell's wrong with you? - Nothin'.
I mean, I got a little bit of a crick in my neck, but- Yeah, well, my mom told me you ain't consummated your holy matrimony yet so I'm gonna ask you again, what the hell's wrong with you? Ralph, look, makin' an honest woman out of your mom was easy but the consummatin' part may be a hurdle I can't jump.
- So, what are you sayin'? My mom's not foxy? - No, your mom's foxy.
But you have to admit, she's also- An angel? A female angel? With female needs.
Now, look, I know this is gonna sound crazy, given where we started and all but if you don't sleep with my mom I think I'm gonna have to kill you.
Fine.
I'll do it tonight after the show.
But once I consummate your mom, I'm officially your stepdad - and I won't stand for any more threats on my life.
- Done.
So that was it.
And unlike the last time Phish Tahko played I wasn't thinkin'about how nice it was gonna be to have sex with the girl in the front row.
All right, let's get ready to tear the roof off this mother! Not really, though.
Please, stay off the roof.
Phish Tahko! Tom, the way you sang tonight, buddy, I'm definitely comin' to your funeral.
We put on a great show.
- But I wasn't lookin'forward to my next performance.
- Excuse me.
Since bein'drunk helped me through this the first time - I decided I'd better be twice as drunk this time.
- Crabman, shot of whiskey.
Crabman, three more shots.
You know what? Just-Just leave the bottle.
Earl.
- Earl.
- Did I do it? Is it over? Did I consummate my marriage? No.
But you did try to consummate that bar stool.
I just left you two alone.
- See you, Earl.
- See you, Earl.
The worst part of the two-mile walk home was that it sobered me up a little.
But I was still determined to make love to my new wife.
The thing was- Tom had beat me to it.
Funny thing about bein'in a band is no matter how young and good-looking the bass player is chicks always dig the lead singer.
So while I was workin'hard to lose my grip on reality Tom was gettin'a pretty good grip on Lorraine.
It was clear that me and Ralph's mom didn't belong together.
So after the annulment, her and Tom continued seeing each other.
And Ralph was no longer mad at me, since I'd made an honest woman out ofhis mom.
And Tom was more than just her new boyfriend.
He was the father figure that Ralph never had.
And that made everybody happy.
Some things are so amazing, you have to capture 'em on film.
Like U.
F.
O.
s or bigfoot.
OrJoy doin'volunteer work.
Cherry, bucket.
Joy had recently gotten in trouble with the law and her deaflawyer thought it might help sway a jury if she could prove that she was a givin'member of society.
Hey, Earl, get this on film.
I'm gettin' ready to hug one of these old coots in a second.
Hey, is that Earl Hickey? I recognized that voice as soon as I heard it.
It was Tom Sparks.
Number 50 on my list- kicked the lead singer out of my band.
Sometimes great things just happen by accident.
Like the way peanut butter and chocolate came together.
Or Mount Rushmore.
We sounded good.
Randy, where'd you learn how to drum like that, buddy? - Right there, just then.
- No way.
You know what? We should start a band.
Van Halen started with two brothers.
We could be Van Hickey.
And Ralph.
Hey, you know, I bet if we played real instruments, we could have sex with real girls.
Yeah, rock and roll, buddy! Yeah.
- Hey, you guys formin' a band? - Damn straight, clown.
You need a lead singer? - Yeah, I guess we do.
- Hold on, Earl.
How do we know this clown can even sing? Hello, may I take your order? Would you like to try our new fish tacos? You can add "guaca-mole" for only 99 cents extra.
- You're in, buddy.
- Yeah.
- Whoo! - Rock and roll, buddy! The lead singer's the most important person in a band.
The Stones haveJagger, The Who have Daltrey and we had well, this guy, who looked older than both of'em put together.
Hey, it's my band! Here, let me get my glasses to get a good look at you.
After a couple of rehearsals we booked a gig at the Crab Shack for 20 bucks each but we weren't doin'it for the money.
- Hey, ladies.
- We're rock stars.
You can tell from our rock star pants.
See all the zippers? Guess what's in that zipper.
- Licorice.
- Maybe I'll see what's in the other zippers.
More licorice.
Hello, ladies.
MTV.
Video games.
The Internet.
I think your dad's havin' a stroke.
I'm not his dad.
I'm the lead singer.
The top cat.
Ew! If I wanted to get hit on by an old guy, I'd move back home.
Let's go.
The fact that Tom was scarin'away the chicks was a bit unpopular with the guys.
All in favor of kickin' the old guy out of the band.
Now all in favor ofkeepin'the old guy who's creepin'out all the chicks, man.
- Sorry, Tom, you're out.
- Oh, yeah? Well, maybe the three of you are out.
Did you ever think about that? Hey, man, whatever makes you feel better about leavin' as fast as possible, all right? - Fine.
- It was tough.
But Ralph was right.
Tom was holdin'us back.
Could one of you guys give me a ride home? I'm not allowed to drive after sunset.
- Oh, yeah, buddy.
Come on.
- Thanks.
That Friday night Phish Tahko gave its debut performance.
to anybody who promised to take 'em off after the show.
So in keeping with true rock star fashion, after the show we took the chicks back to Ralph's mom's house and partied in our underwear.
Mom! Ralph's mom even made us Rice Krispie squares.
Yeah! Look at that right there.
After explaining my list to Tom I apologized and offered him the 20 bucks he would have made from the gig.
Don't want your 20 bucks.
Want to be back in the band.
Sorry to tell you, Tom, but there is no band.
We played one gig, got drunk, got laid and sold our instruments to get more beer.
Well, at least you had the one night.
You got to experience the thrill of the show.
The party with the chicks.
See, everybody in here's got, you know, one great memory they can look back on.
You know, like, how they climbed a mountain.
How they fought in a war.
I once tongue kissed a Jamaican woman.
See? Everybody's got somethin'.
What do I got? Nothin'.
You took away my one shot at bein' a- a rock star.
You know what, Tom? I don't think I can make you a rock star, but I can sure give you one hell of a memory.
I think it's time to get the band back together.
After rentin' some second-hand instruments and explaining my situation to the guys, everybody agreed.
It was time for Phish Tahko to feed its fans once again.
All right, guys, remember, when one of us stops playin', we all stop playin' 'cause that means the song's over.
When one of us starts playin', that means the next song's startin'.
There's still licorice in here.
Hey, T.
, I'm sorry about votin' you out of the band before, buddy.
- It's cool.
- No, man.
I was young and immature and, you know, I didn't have much of a father figure so I didn't know about, you know, respect your elders and manners and simple kindness even, buddy.
- It's okay.
- Who's the old guy? That's it.
We gotta kick Tom out of the band.
All in favor.
You can't kick me out again.
I'm on Earl's list.
Here.
Right between, um "I've been wasteful" and "Slept with Ralph's mom.
" Number 51- "Slept with Ralph's mom.
" It was true.
I did sleep with Ralph's mom.
But it wasn't entirely my fault.
Hey, there.
Which one of you wants to come check out the glow stars on my bedroom ceiling? - I do.
- Wasn't talkin' to you, Randy.
I'm lookin' for somebody a little bit more photogenic.
- I'll go.
- Yeah.
Hey, the two of you can take the laundry room.
- Are there stars in there? - Only you, rock star.
Whoo! After a show, a rock star needs an outlet where he can let off his extra energy.
Unfortunately, my outlet had a sweet tooth and binged on Jell-O shots.
And there she was.
She wasn't young, but she was conscious.
And besides, she made us Rice Krispie squares.
Earl, did you sleep with Ralph's mom? Ralph, look, I'm sorry.
It was- It was a mistake.
That's why she always sends you a Christmas card.
If there's a top 10 list of topics a man never wants to discuss with another man I'd bet "Sorry I slept with your mom'"ranks number two.
- Right after "Sorry I slept with your dad.
'" - Ralph I'm really sorry you had to find out that way.
I've always wanted to tell you, even before I started my list.
I feel awful.
Me, too, Earl.
You know, I've been rackin' my brain tryin' to make this right between us, given that we're lifelong friends and all.
And seems like there's only one fair solution.
- I'm gonna have to kill you.
- Kill me? Don't take it personal.
Believe me, nobody's gonna miss you more than me.
Ralph, you're not really gonna kill me? You're gonna kill me.
I don't really have a choice, you know.
I thought about cuttin' your junk off, but that just don't feel right, buddy.
No.
No, no, it doesn't.
Damn, I really painted you into a corner, didn't I? Oh, shoot, man, I've been in corners before.
Anyway, listen, given that we're lifelong friends, I figured I'd give you about 12 hours to get your affairs in order and say your good-byes, all right? Wait, wait.
No, no, Ralph.
There's gotta be a way, man.
Earl, I'd appreciate it if you didn't touch me with the same hand that defiled my mother.
I'm sorry, Ralph, but there's gotta be another way, man.
Eleven hours and 59 minutes.
Since I knew I couldn't get Ralph to change his mind I went to talk to the one person I knew he would listen to.
Anyway, uh, I was hopin' you'd talk to Ralph and get him to, you know, not kill me.
Of course I will.
And don't you worry, Earl.
That boy will do anything I say.
Well, thank you, Mrs.
Mariano.
I really appreciate it.
The question is, what are you gonna do for me? Uh, clean your rain gutters? Ooh, I like the sound of that.
Oh, Mrs.
Mariano, I'm sorry.
I- I can't do this.
Y- You don't find me attractive, is that it? You don't have to look at me.
I've got five porn channels and four ESPNs.
Wow.
Well, if I were more of a- a porn or a sports guy, that'd be a great offer.
- But I can't do it to Ralph.
I'm sorry.
- Well, what are you into? You like popcorn shrimp? I can put a plate on the nightstand where you can reach 'em.
He's gonna kill you.
Men don't like it when other men sleep with their mothers.
- It is why my brother killed my father.
- Do you have to leave town? Why don't we just kill Ralph? That'd keep him from killin' you.
That's no good.
Then his spirit will haunt your dreams.
But if he kills you, you get to haunt his dreams, so you win.
Yeah, I don't know if I want to win like that.
I figured I better get out of town until Ralph calmed down.
And since that could take till forever I decided it'd be nice to stop by my folks'house and tell 'em good-bye.
- Hey, good buddy.
- Ralph, what are you doin' here? Well, I figured another way out of this mess without havin' to kill you.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm gonna sleep with your mom.
Yeah, buddy.
- Wait.
Wait.
What-What are you talkin' about? - Hey, look who's here.
Hey, Earl.
Ralph came by here lookin' for you and he accidentally spilled some tomato juice on his pants.
Yeah, I was all thumbs, buddy.
Completely spilled it.
- I told him, take those pants off.
- Yeah, and off went the pants.
- Now they're in the dryer.
- Yeah, now I'm wearin' your daddy's robe.
- Wait, where is Dad? - Someone threw a brick through the front window of the store and he went down there to get the glass replaced.
- World full of weirdos.
- Oh, boy, ain't it the truth.
Just seems like you can't even leave the house anymore.
Uh-oh, pants are done.
I'll be back.
Yeah.
Sweetheart.
She's a sweetheart.
Look, Ralph, I appreciate you tryin' to find a way not to kill me but there is no way my mom's ever gonna sleep with you.
You're good enough to sleep with my mom, but I ain't good enough to sleep with yours? No, look, you're good enough, but I just don't think she's gonna go for it.
We'll see about that, buddy.
Earl, I got- I better go help your dad.
There's plenty of cookies for everybody, but don't spoil your dinner.
Uh, yeah, just for the record your mom doesn't like the, uh, under-the-arms-around-the-side double-boob scoop.
I- I don't know what to say to that, Ralph.
Yeah, well, it doesn't really matter, 'cause, uh, your time's up anyways.
Wai- Hold-What are you doin', Ralph? Let's talk about this! My mama, Earl.
I lived in her for nine months when I was just an itty-bitty baby! That was my first home! You broke into my home, man! I didn't break in.
The door was wide open.
Uh- Uh, not wide open.
Just wi-wide enough to get in.
Well, tell it toJesus.
You disgraced his favorite angel.
She is an angel! A princess! The most perfect woman in the whole world! I wish I could have married her! You do? Of course.
Keeps me up sometimes just, you know, thinkin' about what I missed out on.
Marry my mama.
Yeah, well, I guess what you did wouldn't be so bad if y'all end up gettin' married.
Yeah, that'll work.
And that's how I got married to Ralph's mom.
So me and Ralph's mom got married.
I guess you wouldn't call it a shotgun wedding.
It was more like a cocked-handgun-pressed-firmly against-your-temple wedding.
What a day! What a day! Well, I'm gonna get out of this dress before I spill somethin' on it and can't return it.
Besides, this tag is diggin' in my armpit.
Hey, Randy, wait till you see our room, man.
Mom let me get a strobe light.
Just give me a few minutes to put on "Mr.
Roboto," man.
I'm gonna blow your mind, buddy.
- I'm glad you're not dead, Earl.
- I am, too, Randy.
It's a good feeling.
So is there more to this plan or are we just gonna live here forever? Randy, you know you don't always have to live where I live, don't you? What do you mean? Never mind.
Yeah, we'll be here forever.
Gettin'suddenly married to your best friend's mom so he won't kill you can have an unsettling effect.
So it felt good to get back to somethin'normal-my list.
Oh, man, I can't believe it.
Phish Tahko lives.
That's right, buddy.
The band is back together.
We're playin' the Crab Shack Friday night.
Red rover, red rover, send Betty right over.
Just like that, I was a family man again.
So far, this marriage was better than my last one.
My wife cooked, and at least one of my kids was a blood relation to me.
And compared to all the sirens and the loud hooker fights at the motel livin'here was peaceful and homey.
And we actually spent time together like a real family.
And I found it was easier puttin' these boys to bed than my last two.
Mainly 'cause these boys drank themselves to sleep before story time.
And I know it might sound crazy, but as far as forced marriages go this one was turnin'out pretty nice.
I guess bein'married to Ralph's mom was somethin'I could get used to.
And at least I could have if not for one thing.
I had a new older wife who expected me to fulfill my husbandly duties.
Sorry.
Uh, I just ate a big meal.
M- My doctor says, uh I have to wait at least three hours before swimmin' or humpin' so don't wait up.
And every night that week, after the boys went to bed I came up with a new way to avoid my husbandly duties.
There's a bunch of birds unfairly attackin' a squirrel on the lawn.
I gotta get involved.
Don't wait up.
The string came out of my sweatpants.
It's gonna be an all-nighter.
The Chinese are on the march.
I'm on hold with Mike from Bombay.
He's tryin' to walk me through the new toaster.
Randy got out.
Gotta go find him.
I have to drive three counties over to get some rubbers.
I'm an odd size.
Hey.
- What in the hell's wrong with you? - Nothin'.
I mean, I got a little bit of a crick in my neck, but- Yeah, well, my mom told me you ain't consummated your holy matrimony yet so I'm gonna ask you again, what the hell's wrong with you? Ralph, look, makin' an honest woman out of your mom was easy but the consummatin' part may be a hurdle I can't jump.
- So, what are you sayin'? My mom's not foxy? - No, your mom's foxy.
But you have to admit, she's also- An angel? A female angel? With female needs.
Now, look, I know this is gonna sound crazy, given where we started and all but if you don't sleep with my mom I think I'm gonna have to kill you.
Fine.
I'll do it tonight after the show.
But once I consummate your mom, I'm officially your stepdad - and I won't stand for any more threats on my life.
- Done.
So that was it.
And unlike the last time Phish Tahko played I wasn't thinkin'about how nice it was gonna be to have sex with the girl in the front row.
All right, let's get ready to tear the roof off this mother! Not really, though.
Please, stay off the roof.
Phish Tahko! Tom, the way you sang tonight, buddy, I'm definitely comin' to your funeral.
We put on a great show.
- But I wasn't lookin'forward to my next performance.
- Excuse me.
Since bein'drunk helped me through this the first time - I decided I'd better be twice as drunk this time.
- Crabman, shot of whiskey.
Crabman, three more shots.
You know what? Just-Just leave the bottle.
Earl.
- Earl.
- Did I do it? Is it over? Did I consummate my marriage? No.
But you did try to consummate that bar stool.
I just left you two alone.
- See you, Earl.
- See you, Earl.
The worst part of the two-mile walk home was that it sobered me up a little.
But I was still determined to make love to my new wife.
The thing was- Tom had beat me to it.
Funny thing about bein'in a band is no matter how young and good-looking the bass player is chicks always dig the lead singer.
So while I was workin'hard to lose my grip on reality Tom was gettin'a pretty good grip on Lorraine.
It was clear that me and Ralph's mom didn't belong together.
So after the annulment, her and Tom continued seeing each other.
And Ralph was no longer mad at me, since I'd made an honest woman out ofhis mom.
And Tom was more than just her new boyfriend.
He was the father figure that Ralph never had.
And that made everybody happy.