Nero Wolfe (2001) s02e05 Episode Script
Murder is Corny
not yet? No, no, not yet.
Sorry.
Time? You just glanced at the clock, there.
What time is it? 6:29.
One minute.
(gonging clock) I guess my watch is a couple of seconds slow or something.
I guess my watch is a couple of seconds slow il n'y a rien a faire.
I will stuff these.
(Archie) Normally, Nero Wolfe comes the closest to being human at dinner.
The conversation can be anything from women's shoes to the importance of the new moon in babylonian astrology.
But tonight there was only silence.
The summer corn had not come.
(dinging doorbell) Send it back.
Oh, i'm sorry, we take deliveries in the rear.
If you were going to have this for dinner, i guess it's too late.
Where did you get that? Outside the service entrance atrusterman's restaurant.
Inside, we found the body of a dead man.
Kenneth Faber, 28 years old.
His driver's license and some $80 in cash were still in his wallet.
With a piece of iron pipe.
Thcame in was parked outsid e.
And inside the station wagon were nine cartons of corn, including yours.
He'd been delivering corn at the restaurant for the past five weeks, and then coming here with yours.
And then coming his that right? I don't know.
Ah, the hell you don't.
Don't start with me, Wolfe.
Hold it, hold it now, stay in the buggy, there.
As you well know, mr.
Wolfe is always in the plant rooms between 4:00 and 6:00 every day of the week sunday.
The corn usually comes before 6:00 so either Fritz or myself receives it at the door, mr.
Wolfe does not know Kenneth Faber, but i do.
I thought so.
Archie, will you help me with this? No.
No.
This is preposterous! Aw, will you stop stalling, Wolfe? No, shall i expound it? If you can.
You know that the corn comes from a man named duncan mcleod, who grows it on a farm just north of here.
He has been supplying it for four years, and he knows precisely what i request.
The corn must be nearly mature.
And it must be picked not more than three hours before i receive it.
Do you eat sweet corn? Yeah.
Yeah, i do.
Now, will you stop stalling? No! Who cooks it, your wife? Yeah, i don't have a Fritz.
Does she cook it in water? Do you cook yours in beer? Millions of american women commit that atrocity every summer day.
They are turning a superb treat into mere provender.
Is that so? Shucked and boiled in water, sweet corn is edible and nutritious.
But roasted in the husk at the hottest possible temperature in an oven for 0 minutes, table and buttered and salted,, at the nothing else.
Mm-hmm.
Ambrosia.
No chef's ingenuity and talent ever created a finer dish.
American women themselves should be boiled in water for look, Wolfe, maybe you have all night, but i have my point is that mr.
Mcleod knows what i require.
Dispose of this garbage! Oh, balls.
Wait a minute, Goodwin.
Where were you at 5:15 this afternoon? Uh, a ball game with saul panzer.
Yeah? What happened in the ninth inning? Oh, the ninth inning.
Oh, the hell with it.
You'd know that, or you'd see to it.
And, of course, panzer would cover for you.
Yeah, listen, not that i'm, uh, interested, but, uh, why do you care? We found a notebook in Faber's pocket.
One page had the list of four men written in pencil: Max maslow, peter jay, carl heydt the first three names had check marks in front of them.
The last one, Archie Goodwin, did not.
Will that do? Heydt designs clothes for women.
Yes.
I don't know maslow or jay.
You been intimate with the farmer's daughter, susan mcleod? (laughing) Uh, well, there are a lot of definitions for intimate.
Which one? You know damn well which one i prefer.
Well, uh, if you mean the worst or the very best, depending on, on how you view it, nothing doing, see.
She's a model, she has some nice points.
I'll tell you this, she's a lousy dancer.
When did you know that Kenneth Faber had shoved you out and taken sue over? Your honor, i object to the question on the grounds that it's insulting, impertinent, and disgusticulous, because it assumes that i am shovable not only that, but also i could be shoved from a place where i have never been.
Objection sustained.
You will rephrase the question, mr.
Cramer.
The hell i will.
You helped her find an apartment not six blocks from here.
What passed between you and Faber when he was here a week ago, today? Corn it passed between him and me.
Okay, you got one minute to get a toothbrush.
) Okay, you got one minute to get a toothbrush.
(stammering yeah, just l-listen.
You know, i can throw a slider in a pinch, and i often do this is no pinch, though.
And, uh, it's getting very close to, to my bedtime.
Your minute's up.
No, no, this would have to be very, very good.
Okay, you're under arrest as a material witness.
Move.
That's good.
If you want me back tomorrow, you might give mr.
Parker a ring.
I shall.
Mr.
Cramer, i am sometimes dumbfounded by your fatuity.
You were so bent on baiting mr.
Goodwin, that you completely ignored the point that i was at pains to make: Who picked the corn? That's your point.
My point is, who killed Kenneth Faber? Move, Goodwin.
Phooey! (Archie) Cramer took me to his place, where we made a night of it.
What's thnot gourmet enough for you? Edible would have been enough.
Looks like you're going to be a free man, your pathetic excuse for a lawyer is here.
Can't you get that hat straight? Arch, they set the bond at $20,000.
Well, that's, uh, that's quite a compliment.
Well, they argued for 50.
They actuay think you may have killed that man.
Crime of passion inspired by that wom.
Well, from what i gathered from their questioning, tement.
They won't tell me what it is, though.
I told the judge that that amount would only be justified if they had enough evidence to charge you with murder.
The judge agreed and let it stand.
Mm, yeah, well, they won't and they can't.
Well, as your counselor, Archie yes.
Be prepared to be charged at any given moment.
Oh, and one more thing, Archie, mr.
Wolfe told me to send my bill to you, not to him.
Well, the bond for 20,000 is not peanuts, uh, the buck.
Ass, well, it's your affair, not his.
It's absolutely of no concern to him whatsoever.
Yes, well, he hasn't even met Faber or susan, so.
Yeah, well.
Ah, mr.
Mcleod, good morning.
It's not a good morning, it's a bad one! A lost day, and no one to see to things.
I haven't even done the milking.
(sighing) (knocking) (ringing doorbell) Just a minute.
(ringing) Just a minute.
Oh, pardon.
Pardon my manners, Fritz, i've had quite the night.
Archie, you look terrible.
(sighing) Is something stirring? A woman to see you, miss susan mcleod.
She's in the office.
Has, has he talked to her? No he would not.
He would not.
Have you eaten? If you could see the bacon and eggs they brought in for me last night that i paid two bucks for, you would never be the same.
They, uh, think i killed Faber.
For your information, i did not.
? For your information, i did not.
You slept no.
Now, i understand i have a caller.
May i take her into the front room? I'm not intimate enough with her to take her up to my room.
As you told parker, this is my affair.
Old cramer was flummery? none, all straight.
But he's on me and so's the d.
a.
And i got to find out why.
You will see miss mcleod in the office.
No, i'm going to see her in the front room.
It'll be an hour, maybe two hours.
You'll be out of your chair.
You may have to use the telephone.
The office.
(Archie) If i hadn't been pooped, i would have given tha offer a little attention.
Archie, i don't know what you're going to do to me.
Yeah, neither do i.
It just came out.
You remember, you explained it for me one night about my just saying things and not having a checking station? Ah, yes, yes, i said that, with most people, when words start on their way out, they have to go through a checking station to get an okay, but you seem to have a loose connection as it often gets bypassed.
Well, i'm just plain dumb.
It just came out, about my going to meet you there, yesterday.
Meet me where? (susan) At the delivery entrance atrusterman's.
I said i was going to meet you there at 5:00, and we were goin' to have a little talk with kenny, but i was late.
I didn't get there 'til a quarter past five and you weren't there, so i left.
I see, and you told that to? Several people.
Uh-huh, detectives, cops? Uh-huh, and it was in the statement they had me sign.
You know, it's just possible that you are dumb.
I mean, didn't you realize that they would come to see me? Well, of course, and you would deny it, and you could probably prove you were somewhere else, so it wouldn't matter.
Okay, but you're not dumb, all right? But, if you got there at quarter past five, then you did see kenny, didn't you? Yes.
I ran away.
I didn't stop to think 'til i was several blocks away how dumb that was.
What, what, why was it dumb? Well, i couldn't say i hadn't been there.
Felix and the doorman saw me arrive.
What was it that we wanted to talk to him about? We were going to talk to him about what he told you, that i thought i was pregnant and he was responsible.
He told me that? When? You know when.
Last tuesday when he brought the corn.
Ken Faber told you that he told me that you thought you were pregnant and that he was responsible? He told me he told carl, too, and peter jay and max maslow, too.
That was when i told him i would like to kill him.
And that's what you told the cops we wanted to talk to him about? Yes! Well, for a frame, it's nearly perfect, but i'm willing to doubt that you meant it.
Don't you see? It's my word against yours.
They told me last night that you denied that we arranged to meet there.
Uh, because we didn't.
Well, i was hoping you might change that.
We didn't.
The way it is now, they think either i'm lying or you're lying.
I haven't got an alibi, see, not one that would stick.
But you could tell them that you arranged to meet me there but then changed your mind because shut up! Shut up.
(sobbing) Hey, whoa! Archie, what are you doing? You didn't have to do that.
The hell i didn't.
Whether you meant to or not, i am out on a very rickety limb.
But, Archie, you did you kill ken? No.
Ggle off by selling which is not my style, on you, or i do something which is my style: I do a job.
I call Wolfe, i tell him i'm taking a leave of absence hopefully a short one and then you start by telling me every a job that is your style? I should have known.
He was listening through the peephole.
Miss mcleod i, uh, eavesdropped on your conversation in the office without mr.
Goodwin's knowledge.
Without do you wish's knowledgto complain? Why? Why did i listen? To learn what a pickle mr.
Goodwin was in, and i learned.
I have intruded because the situation is intolerable.
You are either a poisonous cockatrice or a witling, and you have brought mr.
Goodwin to a desperate pass.
Now, you said this was my affair.
Yes, it was, until it threatened me.
Miss mcleod, i cannot function properly, let alone comfortably, without Archie Goodwin.
I depend on him and, because of you, he's in grave jeopardy.
Archie, from now on this is our joint affair by your leave.
Retroactive? Parker and my bail? Yes, of course.
Intimate or not, you've known this girl for three years.
Did she kill that man? Yes and no.
That doesn't help.
Yes, chiefly because she asked me to come here, change my story and back hers up.
I didn't kill him! And the no is a l les s direct you see, when a man gets a girl pregnant, hermake him marry her, not kill him.
See, the thing she wants most is a father for the baby, and a dead one is no good.
That's silly, i'm not pregnant.
There's only one way a girl can get pregnant, and it couldn't have been that with me because it's never happened.
Archie? Oh, the huh? Yeah.
Oh, i believe her.
All right, let's go soon, go to the office.
Bring her.
See, my mother, before she died, she said, "suzy, if there's one thing i can tell you" (Archie) It's my firm belief that an unmarried girl who knows she can't be pregnant is less likely to commit murder than the one who can't be sure.
But that didn't stop Wolfe from questioning her as if she was.
She'd dated 30 men since we last went dancing and 10 had asked her to marry them.
10 of them have asked me to marry them.
Well, i had it narrowed down to maslow and heydt.
When i met ken Faber at a party at peter jay's kenny was really fast and so determined, (susan) That i told him i might marry him when i gave up modeling provided he could support a family.
He asked me to get him a job on my father's farm.
I spent every weekend in the summer out there, and on the first weekend it was easy to see he thought things would be different than in town.
He accused me of letting other men do to me what i wouldn't let him do.
He told me he told you and carl and peter and max that i got pregnant by him, and that if i denied it, no one would believe me, and the only thing to do was to get married right away.
So you know these men quite well.
Yes.
If one of them, enraged beyond endurance by mr.
Faber's conduct, were to have gone there, killed him, which one? They didn't.
Not "they", no one of them, which? None of them.
That's twaddle, miss mcleod.
Now, i understand that, uh, you may be shocked that someone close to you committed murder, but you may not reject it.
I need to see those three men.
Can you get them here this evening? No, i won't.
Miss mcleod, i do not accuse them, but my only possible path to the murderer is a motive, and one of these men, possibly your father, may lead me to it.
You said identify him, how can you? Well, perhaps i can't, but i must try.
Now, because of your foolish subterfuge, the only possible way that the police may be satisfied that neither you nor mr.
Goodwin killed that man is to demonstrate that someone else did.
Oh oh, all right.
Susan went home, and Wolfe went to his orchids.
I went to eat.
I tried to tell my brain to lay off until it caught up, but it kept buzzing around trying to find a place to land.
It finally shut up when i started in on Fritz's corn fritters made from the unacceptable ears of corn.
My next big plan was bed, but fate had other plans.
(ringing doorbell) (sighing) Duncan mcleod.
Yes, send him in.
Mr.
Mcleod.
Good afternoon, sir.
Here.
No, there's no need to sit, i've come to apologize.
I didn't pick the corn, Kenneth Faber did.
Wasn't that heedless? You know what i require.
I showed him how, and thought he understood.
A man with a bulldozer was coming to work on a lot i'm clearing, he could only come that day.
It was vexatious, mr.
Mcleod.
Sit.
There's no need to sit.
I just want to know what that young man told you about my daughter.
Ughter was here this morning in this office.
R da my daughter susan? Came here? What for? Mr.
Mcleod, the young man you permitted to pick my corn has been murdered, and because of false statements made by your daughter my daughter does not make false statements.
Anyone lies when the alternative is intolerable.
Now, i do not believe that anyone lies when theshe, uh, killed that man.
Le.
Did you? No but i would have, if i had known what he was saying about her.
He was a bad man, an evil man.
Until what hour did you dynamite stumps? Nearly dark.
I was late with the milking.
I don't resent you thinking that i might have killed kenny Faber 'cause i might have.
I'm an old-fashioned man, a righteous man.
Yes, and a righteous man may wink at murder.
I didn't say that, i don't wink at murder.
But that doesn't mean i have to want whoever killed Faber to suffer for it, do i? Let me ask you something, if you knew who killed that man, would you tell me or the police? I would not.
Good afternoon, sir.
No, not until you tell me why my daughter came here.
Confound it! After sending me inedible corn, you make demands on me? Go! Well, i don't think it's right.
I guess then you won't be wanting more corn from me.
Why not? How else would i acquire it? I want the corn now! Tomorrow! I might.
The restaurant, too? Yes.
I'll tell them to expect it.
Phooey! Call felix and tell him to expect a delivery on friday.
Yes, sir.
Good, good.
Everything's provided for, uh the corn, everything, yeah, everything's jake.
There's good slang, and there's bad slang.
That's bad slang.
Ah.
How long would it take you to type up a letter of our conversation with miss mcleod, both sides? All together, i'd say about four hours.
Do you want it to remember me by? No, i think it might be useful.
You know, as your employee, i'm supphat i'm told and i often do, but, uh this is our joint affair.
Well, you said so.
We are, we are trying to save you from the calamity of losing me.
So you talk about typing up pages, how would that be useful exactly in this situation, as i understand it now that this is our joint affair? Confound it, Archie, i said it may be useful.
I don't know if it's going to be useful.
Can you lse that might be more useful? Offhand, no.
Well, if you ever choose to type it, eventually, at some point in the future, make two carbons.
Yeah, yeah, i will, if i ever eventually (muttering) (ringing doorbell) (Archie) By five past nine that evening, i'd finished my typing, and the three men whose names had check marks in Kenneth Faber's notebook were seated in the office.
From the looks they were giving each other, the were not friends.
The were not friends.
Carl heydt, peter jay, max maslow.
I think you gentlemen would prefer brevity and so would i.
Miss mcleod is not our client.
We are acting solely in our own interest.
But, as it stands right now, we feel that miss mcleod did not kill Kenneth Faber.
Damn nice of you so am i.
Your own interests, what's that? Because of statements made by miss mcleod, mr.
Goodwin is under heavy suspicion.
And to lift suspicion, we must find out where it belongs.
So that's your interest to keep Goodwin from going under.
What's ours? Well, your names were in mr.
Faber's notebook.
You are plainly marked by circumstance.
Well, it's no secret we're targets.
We've all talked to the police.
Sue as good as told me the only reason she hadn't married Goodwin over there was because he hadn't asked her.
He's the hero type.
Started her on the path to glory.
Now you say she set the police on him.
I don't believe it, and i'll tell you that for free.
The police are on him because they've got a damn good reason.
I must reserve what the police know, but i will suggest that you eliminate yourselves from consideration.
All of you had an adequate motive.
Mr.
Faber had either debased, or grossly slandered the woman who you want to marry.
Now, who fed you that? I'll admit i wanted to marry miss mcleod.
As far as i know, carl heydt still does.
But, as for my pal pete over here, he's the pay-as-you-go type.
Couldn't exactly call him a casanova.
Stand up.
Put a sock in it, pete, i was just kidding around.
Stand up or i'll slap you out of your chair.
Why i oughtta (muttering) (yelling) Get off all right you sit down! Oh, you want some more, do you? Try that on for size.
(panting) Would you care for a brandy, mr.
Jay? Whiskey? Coffee? Now, don't misunderstand me here, Wolfe, i wasn't implying that pete here killed Faber.
You okay, pete? Very well, if you will not help me, then, uh we'll merely shift the suspicion to miss mcleod.
Oh, now what do you expect us to do, kick and scream? You said you were satisfied she didn't do it.
The police are not blockheads.
What'd he say? You have told me nothing whatever, gentlemen.
But i do not believe that you have nothing to tell.
So either you talk to me now, or you tell the police later, after they have taken her into custody.
You're bluffing.
I call.
Come on, fellas.
(Archie) After giving the three stooges the old heave-ho, i wondered if Wolfe was going to finally let me get some sleep.
Did you finish it? 12 pages, two carbons.
Your notebook, please.
All right, there will be two.
One for you, one for me.
First mine.
Heading in caps.
"Affidavit, by Nero Wolfe.
"I hereby depose that the 12 foregoing pages are a full and accurate, et cetera, et cetera.
" Leave a space for my signature and, below, the conventional formula for notarizing.
All right, all right, it was more than just to get me off your neck.
But i'm her hero now, see? And heroes mustn't wriggle.
Now, she as good as told maslow that she'd marry me if i asked her, and she makes more than you pay me, so before i sign that affidavit ah, i agree, i agree, so before i sign it's a goddamned nuisance, but will you say that it's our joint affair to make sure that she doesn't go to trial? I would not say that i can make sure of anything whatever.
Correction then.
She doesn't go to trial.
Very well, i'll be concerned.
Will you bring miss pinelli, the notary, to my room five minutes to nine in the morning? Yeah, well, she doesn't get to her office 'til 9:30.
Well, then bring her at 9:40 to the plant rooms.
To to the plant rooms? Yes.
At 9:40? Archie, you've had no sleep.
You haven't slept for 40 hours.
Go to bed.
Signing the affidavit didn't commit me to anything.
The question was: What then? But it turned out, i didn't have to make up my mind.
It just happened.
(ringing doorbell) When i came here tuesday night you were dumbfounded by my fatuity.
All you cared about was who picked your corn.
Well, i came myself to see how you feel now.
And i know, if i serve this, what'll happen.
Goodwin will clam up, and a crow bar couldn't pry him open, but he'll talk where you going? She made the soup herself.
You owe her nothing.
I suggest you look at the affidavits first.
The last two pages.
Lieutenant rowcliff or sergeant purley stebbins r an hour.
Cramer didn't ask a question, or even look up.
Ask a question, purley get susan mcleod.
Go yourself, take a man along.
And if she balks, wrap her up and carry her.
Susan mcleod, you're under arrest for the murder of Kenneth Faber.
Huh, what? I have to warn you, anything you say can, and will be used in evidence against you.
And will be used in evidence against youmust be some mistake.
No mistake, ma'am.
How is this possible? I think you've made a terrible error.
Well, what do you want from me? I can't believe this.
This is a horrible mistake.
Plant it, let's go.
Where should i sit? Right there.
Of all the times i've felt like putting vinegar in Wolfe's beer, i came closest that day.
After throwing susan to the wolves, he refused to admit her admirers to the house.
Ahh, sorry, boys, but he's very busy and can't be disturbed.
Do you want to disturb me instead? Just let us in, we'll handle the disturbing.
You were damn fools to think he was bluffing.
Then he did it.
We did it, i share the glory.
I can't believe that you would do something like that to sue when you knew she didn't do it.
Now, we are handling this affair jointly.
Now, of course, if you've changed your minds, and you want to help find Faber's killer, i could spare a few hours.
All right.
You gonna let us in? Oh, certainly, certainly, please.
(sighing) All right, ask your questions.
Mmm, no, i have decided on a, uh, an altogether different tack, see? She lied to me, as well, she told the police that we'd made arrangements to go torusterman's to have it out with Faber well, we hadn't.
So you say.
Don't interrupt.
Now, in fact, she did arrange to meet someone at 5:00 to have it out with Faber, but she was late and she missed him.
She found the body instead.
Who was it that sue me say it was one of you.
Yes, of course, that's just what i'm saying.
Because sue would ask one of you for help, right? Because, you know, you were the ones who had little check marks in his notebook.
The question is, which one of you would she have picked? Hmm carl was it you? How about it? Archie, l was it you? Hey, carl, listen, a plain answer to a plain question.
Maslow.
He's tough.
What, not jay here? Oh, no, she knows she couldn't depend on him for anything.
Shut up! Hey, hey, stop it now.
He's the persona non grata around here.
Come on, let's give him the bum's rush.
You gonna help me, carl? No, but i'll watch.
All right, you relax, Goodwin, and it'll go a lot easier for you.
(grunting) See you later, carl.
Now, if you boys are going to play games, you better take lessons.
Lunch is ready, you'd better wash up.
(clearing throat) I hope that you don't require the car today.
I've sent saul panzer on an errand.
Interesting.
Yes, i gave him $100.
Good.
(Archie) If Wolfe saw fit to keep saul's errand private, he could eat wormy corn boiled in water before i'd ask him what it was.
Yes this, uh, ade without onion , but it has some garlic.
I prefer it this way.
But Fritz and i invite your opinion.
I would be glad to give it.
Miss the onions, Fritz.
(telephone ringing) Nero Wolfe's office.
Archie Goodwin speaking.
It's saul.
Saul.
Archie, if you please.
I'm sorry? Hang up.
Yes.
Satisfactory.
Of course, yes no, no.
Of course, you must accept the money.
Very well.
That was saul.
He will be returning a portion of the expense money as he had none.
I gave him $60 for six hours.
His daily minimum is 80.
Well, he wouldn't take it.
He didn't want to take anything.
Since this is our personal affair but i insisted.
Our personal affair.
Wolfe and i come as close to trusting each other as two men can on matters of joint concern, but apparently, this was no longer one of them.
We were waiting, and i didn't know what for.
(stomping footsteps) Has it come? What? The corn, has it come? Uh, not unless saul brought it.
Because uh, a possibility occurred to me.
It's remote, but, uh, it would be (ringing doorbell) Oh, well, here it is, right on time.
Nero Wolfe? Yes, yes.
I got your corn.
Yes.
Uh, did you pick that corn yourself? Hell, no, mcleod did.
Did you pack it in that carton? No, no, he did.
Oh, i get it.
You're a detective.
Yes yes.
That explains why you're asking me all those fancy questions, huh? Uh, you know, being finicky about food is fine up to a point, but there's really got to be a limit.
Call inspector cramer immediately.
Meanwhile, while we're waiting, you may peruse this.
All right, what's so damned urgent? It's supposed to contain corn.
Perhaps it does.
Yeah, so? It is conceivable that it contains dynamite, with a contraption inside that will detonate when the cord is cut and the lid is lifted.
What is this, a gag? Well, i can tell you nothing until we discover the contents of the box.
The hell you can't.
Why do you think it's dynamite? Would you notify the proper person without delay? You know, if you touch it or you open the lid or something, it might go off, and if that happened, we'd have to sue you for damages.
Hey! Not there.
Do you want to clear the room, inspector? Oh, it's, it's probably nothing.
Just, uh just, just check it out first.
Easy easy.
Wedge, wedge.
That's it, easy, easy.
Slow good.
I need a light.
Here you are, sir.
Your hands are shaking.
That's it, slow, slow.
That's it glass.
Here you go, sir.
Oh bad news? If you would have opened this i don't knowf we would have found the pieces.
You know, the guy that brought that in here, he had it right by the strings.
H-hands.
You know, Wolfe, you didn't think there was dynamite in there, you knew there was dynamite in there.
Now talk.
The possibility occurred to me, and i came down barely in time.
Three minutes more and phooey.
The, the man is a blackguard.
I, uh, sent for saul panzer this morning, and when he came who put the dynamite in the carton? I'm telling you! When he came, i, i had him type something out, a letter, and, uh, he delivered it to duncan mcleod's farm this afternoon.
Archie, you have a copy.
Yes, a memorandum from mr.
Wolfe to duncan mcleod.
Yeah, watch the lamp watch the lamp.
Just be careful with that, will you? Easy.
"Mr.
Duncan mcleod.
"Question one: When did Kenneth Faber tell you that your daughter was pregnant and he was responsible?" When did you figure this out? It's a matter of interpretation, not of knowledge.
So you decided to share your interpretation with him, instead of me? I prefer to put it that i decided not to decide.
Yeah.
Purley, call the sheriff's office.
Tell him to pick up mcleod and charge him with murder.
And hey, tell him to be careful.
He may be a little rough.
"Question two: "When did you get the piece of pipe? Was it on the premises?" Any man sufficiently provoked, might plan to kill.
But few men would choose an iron bludgeon as a weapon to carry about the streets.
Certainly not mr.
Heydt, mr.
Maslow or mr.
Jay.
But a countryman might.
"Question three: "Did you know that your daughter saw you "leaving the stairwell tuesday afternoon? Did you see her?" Well, you read the affidavit.
When i asked miss mcleod which one of those three men might ha killed Kenneth Faber, how did she answer? She said they didn't.
Yes, she stated that as a fact.
There was only one way that she could know they hadn't with such certainty.
She knew who had.
You knew about mcleod all along, didn't you, Wolfe? Not certain knowledge.
With all the bre, you know, any man would get dow on his knees and thank god.
Mr.
Cramer, it was a reasoned conclusion.
Now, you had all the facts.
You had the same facts i did.
What facts? The corn.
The corn? The corn? Knows how extremely particular i am n.
I pay him well, more than well.
He told me that he had Faber pick my corn because he had to dynamite some rocks and stumps.
He knew that Faber couldn't do the job properly, so there must have been something far more compelling than rocks and stumps for him to risk losing such a valuable customer.
Yeah, and nothing is more important than your precious corn, except for murder.
Precisely.
(phone ringing) Nero Wolfe's office, arch stebbins.
Yeah, hold on.
Yeah, purley.
Yeah what? Oh, cheese and rice! All right.
Your goddamn luck! About an hour ago, duncan mcleod sat or stood or lay on a pile of dynamite.
They've got his head and, uh, a few other pieces.
Ahh, nuts.
Where are we gonna get our corn? Phooey.
(exploding) soundwriters™
Sorry.
Time? You just glanced at the clock, there.
What time is it? 6:29.
One minute.
(gonging clock) I guess my watch is a couple of seconds slow or something.
I guess my watch is a couple of seconds slow il n'y a rien a faire.
I will stuff these.
(Archie) Normally, Nero Wolfe comes the closest to being human at dinner.
The conversation can be anything from women's shoes to the importance of the new moon in babylonian astrology.
But tonight there was only silence.
The summer corn had not come.
(dinging doorbell) Send it back.
Oh, i'm sorry, we take deliveries in the rear.
If you were going to have this for dinner, i guess it's too late.
Where did you get that? Outside the service entrance atrusterman's restaurant.
Inside, we found the body of a dead man.
Kenneth Faber, 28 years old.
His driver's license and some $80 in cash were still in his wallet.
With a piece of iron pipe.
Thcame in was parked outsid e.
And inside the station wagon were nine cartons of corn, including yours.
He'd been delivering corn at the restaurant for the past five weeks, and then coming here with yours.
And then coming his that right? I don't know.
Ah, the hell you don't.
Don't start with me, Wolfe.
Hold it, hold it now, stay in the buggy, there.
As you well know, mr.
Wolfe is always in the plant rooms between 4:00 and 6:00 every day of the week sunday.
The corn usually comes before 6:00 so either Fritz or myself receives it at the door, mr.
Wolfe does not know Kenneth Faber, but i do.
I thought so.
Archie, will you help me with this? No.
No.
This is preposterous! Aw, will you stop stalling, Wolfe? No, shall i expound it? If you can.
You know that the corn comes from a man named duncan mcleod, who grows it on a farm just north of here.
He has been supplying it for four years, and he knows precisely what i request.
The corn must be nearly mature.
And it must be picked not more than three hours before i receive it.
Do you eat sweet corn? Yeah.
Yeah, i do.
Now, will you stop stalling? No! Who cooks it, your wife? Yeah, i don't have a Fritz.
Does she cook it in water? Do you cook yours in beer? Millions of american women commit that atrocity every summer day.
They are turning a superb treat into mere provender.
Is that so? Shucked and boiled in water, sweet corn is edible and nutritious.
But roasted in the husk at the hottest possible temperature in an oven for 0 minutes, table and buttered and salted,, at the nothing else.
Mm-hmm.
Ambrosia.
No chef's ingenuity and talent ever created a finer dish.
American women themselves should be boiled in water for look, Wolfe, maybe you have all night, but i have my point is that mr.
Mcleod knows what i require.
Dispose of this garbage! Oh, balls.
Wait a minute, Goodwin.
Where were you at 5:15 this afternoon? Uh, a ball game with saul panzer.
Yeah? What happened in the ninth inning? Oh, the ninth inning.
Oh, the hell with it.
You'd know that, or you'd see to it.
And, of course, panzer would cover for you.
Yeah, listen, not that i'm, uh, interested, but, uh, why do you care? We found a notebook in Faber's pocket.
One page had the list of four men written in pencil: Max maslow, peter jay, carl heydt the first three names had check marks in front of them.
The last one, Archie Goodwin, did not.
Will that do? Heydt designs clothes for women.
Yes.
I don't know maslow or jay.
You been intimate with the farmer's daughter, susan mcleod? (laughing) Uh, well, there are a lot of definitions for intimate.
Which one? You know damn well which one i prefer.
Well, uh, if you mean the worst or the very best, depending on, on how you view it, nothing doing, see.
She's a model, she has some nice points.
I'll tell you this, she's a lousy dancer.
When did you know that Kenneth Faber had shoved you out and taken sue over? Your honor, i object to the question on the grounds that it's insulting, impertinent, and disgusticulous, because it assumes that i am shovable not only that, but also i could be shoved from a place where i have never been.
Objection sustained.
You will rephrase the question, mr.
Cramer.
The hell i will.
You helped her find an apartment not six blocks from here.
What passed between you and Faber when he was here a week ago, today? Corn it passed between him and me.
Okay, you got one minute to get a toothbrush.
) Okay, you got one minute to get a toothbrush.
(stammering yeah, just l-listen.
You know, i can throw a slider in a pinch, and i often do this is no pinch, though.
And, uh, it's getting very close to, to my bedtime.
Your minute's up.
No, no, this would have to be very, very good.
Okay, you're under arrest as a material witness.
Move.
That's good.
If you want me back tomorrow, you might give mr.
Parker a ring.
I shall.
Mr.
Cramer, i am sometimes dumbfounded by your fatuity.
You were so bent on baiting mr.
Goodwin, that you completely ignored the point that i was at pains to make: Who picked the corn? That's your point.
My point is, who killed Kenneth Faber? Move, Goodwin.
Phooey! (Archie) Cramer took me to his place, where we made a night of it.
What's thnot gourmet enough for you? Edible would have been enough.
Looks like you're going to be a free man, your pathetic excuse for a lawyer is here.
Can't you get that hat straight? Arch, they set the bond at $20,000.
Well, that's, uh, that's quite a compliment.
Well, they argued for 50.
They actuay think you may have killed that man.
Crime of passion inspired by that wom.
Well, from what i gathered from their questioning, tement.
They won't tell me what it is, though.
I told the judge that that amount would only be justified if they had enough evidence to charge you with murder.
The judge agreed and let it stand.
Mm, yeah, well, they won't and they can't.
Well, as your counselor, Archie yes.
Be prepared to be charged at any given moment.
Oh, and one more thing, Archie, mr.
Wolfe told me to send my bill to you, not to him.
Well, the bond for 20,000 is not peanuts, uh, the buck.
Ass, well, it's your affair, not his.
It's absolutely of no concern to him whatsoever.
Yes, well, he hasn't even met Faber or susan, so.
Yeah, well.
Ah, mr.
Mcleod, good morning.
It's not a good morning, it's a bad one! A lost day, and no one to see to things.
I haven't even done the milking.
(sighing) (knocking) (ringing doorbell) Just a minute.
(ringing) Just a minute.
Oh, pardon.
Pardon my manners, Fritz, i've had quite the night.
Archie, you look terrible.
(sighing) Is something stirring? A woman to see you, miss susan mcleod.
She's in the office.
Has, has he talked to her? No he would not.
He would not.
Have you eaten? If you could see the bacon and eggs they brought in for me last night that i paid two bucks for, you would never be the same.
They, uh, think i killed Faber.
For your information, i did not.
? For your information, i did not.
You slept no.
Now, i understand i have a caller.
May i take her into the front room? I'm not intimate enough with her to take her up to my room.
As you told parker, this is my affair.
Old cramer was flummery? none, all straight.
But he's on me and so's the d.
a.
And i got to find out why.
You will see miss mcleod in the office.
No, i'm going to see her in the front room.
It'll be an hour, maybe two hours.
You'll be out of your chair.
You may have to use the telephone.
The office.
(Archie) If i hadn't been pooped, i would have given tha offer a little attention.
Archie, i don't know what you're going to do to me.
Yeah, neither do i.
It just came out.
You remember, you explained it for me one night about my just saying things and not having a checking station? Ah, yes, yes, i said that, with most people, when words start on their way out, they have to go through a checking station to get an okay, but you seem to have a loose connection as it often gets bypassed.
Well, i'm just plain dumb.
It just came out, about my going to meet you there, yesterday.
Meet me where? (susan) At the delivery entrance atrusterman's.
I said i was going to meet you there at 5:00, and we were goin' to have a little talk with kenny, but i was late.
I didn't get there 'til a quarter past five and you weren't there, so i left.
I see, and you told that to? Several people.
Uh-huh, detectives, cops? Uh-huh, and it was in the statement they had me sign.
You know, it's just possible that you are dumb.
I mean, didn't you realize that they would come to see me? Well, of course, and you would deny it, and you could probably prove you were somewhere else, so it wouldn't matter.
Okay, but you're not dumb, all right? But, if you got there at quarter past five, then you did see kenny, didn't you? Yes.
I ran away.
I didn't stop to think 'til i was several blocks away how dumb that was.
What, what, why was it dumb? Well, i couldn't say i hadn't been there.
Felix and the doorman saw me arrive.
What was it that we wanted to talk to him about? We were going to talk to him about what he told you, that i thought i was pregnant and he was responsible.
He told me that? When? You know when.
Last tuesday when he brought the corn.
Ken Faber told you that he told me that you thought you were pregnant and that he was responsible? He told me he told carl, too, and peter jay and max maslow, too.
That was when i told him i would like to kill him.
And that's what you told the cops we wanted to talk to him about? Yes! Well, for a frame, it's nearly perfect, but i'm willing to doubt that you meant it.
Don't you see? It's my word against yours.
They told me last night that you denied that we arranged to meet there.
Uh, because we didn't.
Well, i was hoping you might change that.
We didn't.
The way it is now, they think either i'm lying or you're lying.
I haven't got an alibi, see, not one that would stick.
But you could tell them that you arranged to meet me there but then changed your mind because shut up! Shut up.
(sobbing) Hey, whoa! Archie, what are you doing? You didn't have to do that.
The hell i didn't.
Whether you meant to or not, i am out on a very rickety limb.
But, Archie, you did you kill ken? No.
Ggle off by selling which is not my style, on you, or i do something which is my style: I do a job.
I call Wolfe, i tell him i'm taking a leave of absence hopefully a short one and then you start by telling me every a job that is your style? I should have known.
He was listening through the peephole.
Miss mcleod i, uh, eavesdropped on your conversation in the office without mr.
Goodwin's knowledge.
Without do you wish's knowledgto complain? Why? Why did i listen? To learn what a pickle mr.
Goodwin was in, and i learned.
I have intruded because the situation is intolerable.
You are either a poisonous cockatrice or a witling, and you have brought mr.
Goodwin to a desperate pass.
Now, you said this was my affair.
Yes, it was, until it threatened me.
Miss mcleod, i cannot function properly, let alone comfortably, without Archie Goodwin.
I depend on him and, because of you, he's in grave jeopardy.
Archie, from now on this is our joint affair by your leave.
Retroactive? Parker and my bail? Yes, of course.
Intimate or not, you've known this girl for three years.
Did she kill that man? Yes and no.
That doesn't help.
Yes, chiefly because she asked me to come here, change my story and back hers up.
I didn't kill him! And the no is a l les s direct you see, when a man gets a girl pregnant, hermake him marry her, not kill him.
See, the thing she wants most is a father for the baby, and a dead one is no good.
That's silly, i'm not pregnant.
There's only one way a girl can get pregnant, and it couldn't have been that with me because it's never happened.
Archie? Oh, the huh? Yeah.
Oh, i believe her.
All right, let's go soon, go to the office.
Bring her.
See, my mother, before she died, she said, "suzy, if there's one thing i can tell you" (Archie) It's my firm belief that an unmarried girl who knows she can't be pregnant is less likely to commit murder than the one who can't be sure.
But that didn't stop Wolfe from questioning her as if she was.
She'd dated 30 men since we last went dancing and 10 had asked her to marry them.
10 of them have asked me to marry them.
Well, i had it narrowed down to maslow and heydt.
When i met ken Faber at a party at peter jay's kenny was really fast and so determined, (susan) That i told him i might marry him when i gave up modeling provided he could support a family.
He asked me to get him a job on my father's farm.
I spent every weekend in the summer out there, and on the first weekend it was easy to see he thought things would be different than in town.
He accused me of letting other men do to me what i wouldn't let him do.
He told me he told you and carl and peter and max that i got pregnant by him, and that if i denied it, no one would believe me, and the only thing to do was to get married right away.
So you know these men quite well.
Yes.
If one of them, enraged beyond endurance by mr.
Faber's conduct, were to have gone there, killed him, which one? They didn't.
Not "they", no one of them, which? None of them.
That's twaddle, miss mcleod.
Now, i understand that, uh, you may be shocked that someone close to you committed murder, but you may not reject it.
I need to see those three men.
Can you get them here this evening? No, i won't.
Miss mcleod, i do not accuse them, but my only possible path to the murderer is a motive, and one of these men, possibly your father, may lead me to it.
You said identify him, how can you? Well, perhaps i can't, but i must try.
Now, because of your foolish subterfuge, the only possible way that the police may be satisfied that neither you nor mr.
Goodwin killed that man is to demonstrate that someone else did.
Oh oh, all right.
Susan went home, and Wolfe went to his orchids.
I went to eat.
I tried to tell my brain to lay off until it caught up, but it kept buzzing around trying to find a place to land.
It finally shut up when i started in on Fritz's corn fritters made from the unacceptable ears of corn.
My next big plan was bed, but fate had other plans.
(ringing doorbell) (sighing) Duncan mcleod.
Yes, send him in.
Mr.
Mcleod.
Good afternoon, sir.
Here.
No, there's no need to sit, i've come to apologize.
I didn't pick the corn, Kenneth Faber did.
Wasn't that heedless? You know what i require.
I showed him how, and thought he understood.
A man with a bulldozer was coming to work on a lot i'm clearing, he could only come that day.
It was vexatious, mr.
Mcleod.
Sit.
There's no need to sit.
I just want to know what that young man told you about my daughter.
Ughter was here this morning in this office.
R da my daughter susan? Came here? What for? Mr.
Mcleod, the young man you permitted to pick my corn has been murdered, and because of false statements made by your daughter my daughter does not make false statements.
Anyone lies when the alternative is intolerable.
Now, i do not believe that anyone lies when theshe, uh, killed that man.
Le.
Did you? No but i would have, if i had known what he was saying about her.
He was a bad man, an evil man.
Until what hour did you dynamite stumps? Nearly dark.
I was late with the milking.
I don't resent you thinking that i might have killed kenny Faber 'cause i might have.
I'm an old-fashioned man, a righteous man.
Yes, and a righteous man may wink at murder.
I didn't say that, i don't wink at murder.
But that doesn't mean i have to want whoever killed Faber to suffer for it, do i? Let me ask you something, if you knew who killed that man, would you tell me or the police? I would not.
Good afternoon, sir.
No, not until you tell me why my daughter came here.
Confound it! After sending me inedible corn, you make demands on me? Go! Well, i don't think it's right.
I guess then you won't be wanting more corn from me.
Why not? How else would i acquire it? I want the corn now! Tomorrow! I might.
The restaurant, too? Yes.
I'll tell them to expect it.
Phooey! Call felix and tell him to expect a delivery on friday.
Yes, sir.
Good, good.
Everything's provided for, uh the corn, everything, yeah, everything's jake.
There's good slang, and there's bad slang.
That's bad slang.
Ah.
How long would it take you to type up a letter of our conversation with miss mcleod, both sides? All together, i'd say about four hours.
Do you want it to remember me by? No, i think it might be useful.
You know, as your employee, i'm supphat i'm told and i often do, but, uh this is our joint affair.
Well, you said so.
We are, we are trying to save you from the calamity of losing me.
So you talk about typing up pages, how would that be useful exactly in this situation, as i understand it now that this is our joint affair? Confound it, Archie, i said it may be useful.
I don't know if it's going to be useful.
Can you lse that might be more useful? Offhand, no.
Well, if you ever choose to type it, eventually, at some point in the future, make two carbons.
Yeah, yeah, i will, if i ever eventually (muttering) (ringing doorbell) (Archie) By five past nine that evening, i'd finished my typing, and the three men whose names had check marks in Kenneth Faber's notebook were seated in the office.
From the looks they were giving each other, the were not friends.
The were not friends.
Carl heydt, peter jay, max maslow.
I think you gentlemen would prefer brevity and so would i.
Miss mcleod is not our client.
We are acting solely in our own interest.
But, as it stands right now, we feel that miss mcleod did not kill Kenneth Faber.
Damn nice of you so am i.
Your own interests, what's that? Because of statements made by miss mcleod, mr.
Goodwin is under heavy suspicion.
And to lift suspicion, we must find out where it belongs.
So that's your interest to keep Goodwin from going under.
What's ours? Well, your names were in mr.
Faber's notebook.
You are plainly marked by circumstance.
Well, it's no secret we're targets.
We've all talked to the police.
Sue as good as told me the only reason she hadn't married Goodwin over there was because he hadn't asked her.
He's the hero type.
Started her on the path to glory.
Now you say she set the police on him.
I don't believe it, and i'll tell you that for free.
The police are on him because they've got a damn good reason.
I must reserve what the police know, but i will suggest that you eliminate yourselves from consideration.
All of you had an adequate motive.
Mr.
Faber had either debased, or grossly slandered the woman who you want to marry.
Now, who fed you that? I'll admit i wanted to marry miss mcleod.
As far as i know, carl heydt still does.
But, as for my pal pete over here, he's the pay-as-you-go type.
Couldn't exactly call him a casanova.
Stand up.
Put a sock in it, pete, i was just kidding around.
Stand up or i'll slap you out of your chair.
Why i oughtta (muttering) (yelling) Get off all right you sit down! Oh, you want some more, do you? Try that on for size.
(panting) Would you care for a brandy, mr.
Jay? Whiskey? Coffee? Now, don't misunderstand me here, Wolfe, i wasn't implying that pete here killed Faber.
You okay, pete? Very well, if you will not help me, then, uh we'll merely shift the suspicion to miss mcleod.
Oh, now what do you expect us to do, kick and scream? You said you were satisfied she didn't do it.
The police are not blockheads.
What'd he say? You have told me nothing whatever, gentlemen.
But i do not believe that you have nothing to tell.
So either you talk to me now, or you tell the police later, after they have taken her into custody.
You're bluffing.
I call.
Come on, fellas.
(Archie) After giving the three stooges the old heave-ho, i wondered if Wolfe was going to finally let me get some sleep.
Did you finish it? 12 pages, two carbons.
Your notebook, please.
All right, there will be two.
One for you, one for me.
First mine.
Heading in caps.
"Affidavit, by Nero Wolfe.
"I hereby depose that the 12 foregoing pages are a full and accurate, et cetera, et cetera.
" Leave a space for my signature and, below, the conventional formula for notarizing.
All right, all right, it was more than just to get me off your neck.
But i'm her hero now, see? And heroes mustn't wriggle.
Now, she as good as told maslow that she'd marry me if i asked her, and she makes more than you pay me, so before i sign that affidavit ah, i agree, i agree, so before i sign it's a goddamned nuisance, but will you say that it's our joint affair to make sure that she doesn't go to trial? I would not say that i can make sure of anything whatever.
Correction then.
She doesn't go to trial.
Very well, i'll be concerned.
Will you bring miss pinelli, the notary, to my room five minutes to nine in the morning? Yeah, well, she doesn't get to her office 'til 9:30.
Well, then bring her at 9:40 to the plant rooms.
To to the plant rooms? Yes.
At 9:40? Archie, you've had no sleep.
You haven't slept for 40 hours.
Go to bed.
Signing the affidavit didn't commit me to anything.
The question was: What then? But it turned out, i didn't have to make up my mind.
It just happened.
(ringing doorbell) When i came here tuesday night you were dumbfounded by my fatuity.
All you cared about was who picked your corn.
Well, i came myself to see how you feel now.
And i know, if i serve this, what'll happen.
Goodwin will clam up, and a crow bar couldn't pry him open, but he'll talk where you going? She made the soup herself.
You owe her nothing.
I suggest you look at the affidavits first.
The last two pages.
Lieutenant rowcliff or sergeant purley stebbins r an hour.
Cramer didn't ask a question, or even look up.
Ask a question, purley get susan mcleod.
Go yourself, take a man along.
And if she balks, wrap her up and carry her.
Susan mcleod, you're under arrest for the murder of Kenneth Faber.
Huh, what? I have to warn you, anything you say can, and will be used in evidence against you.
And will be used in evidence against youmust be some mistake.
No mistake, ma'am.
How is this possible? I think you've made a terrible error.
Well, what do you want from me? I can't believe this.
This is a horrible mistake.
Plant it, let's go.
Where should i sit? Right there.
Of all the times i've felt like putting vinegar in Wolfe's beer, i came closest that day.
After throwing susan to the wolves, he refused to admit her admirers to the house.
Ahh, sorry, boys, but he's very busy and can't be disturbed.
Do you want to disturb me instead? Just let us in, we'll handle the disturbing.
You were damn fools to think he was bluffing.
Then he did it.
We did it, i share the glory.
I can't believe that you would do something like that to sue when you knew she didn't do it.
Now, we are handling this affair jointly.
Now, of course, if you've changed your minds, and you want to help find Faber's killer, i could spare a few hours.
All right.
You gonna let us in? Oh, certainly, certainly, please.
(sighing) All right, ask your questions.
Mmm, no, i have decided on a, uh, an altogether different tack, see? She lied to me, as well, she told the police that we'd made arrangements to go torusterman's to have it out with Faber well, we hadn't.
So you say.
Don't interrupt.
Now, in fact, she did arrange to meet someone at 5:00 to have it out with Faber, but she was late and she missed him.
She found the body instead.
Who was it that sue me say it was one of you.
Yes, of course, that's just what i'm saying.
Because sue would ask one of you for help, right? Because, you know, you were the ones who had little check marks in his notebook.
The question is, which one of you would she have picked? Hmm carl was it you? How about it? Archie, l was it you? Hey, carl, listen, a plain answer to a plain question.
Maslow.
He's tough.
What, not jay here? Oh, no, she knows she couldn't depend on him for anything.
Shut up! Hey, hey, stop it now.
He's the persona non grata around here.
Come on, let's give him the bum's rush.
You gonna help me, carl? No, but i'll watch.
All right, you relax, Goodwin, and it'll go a lot easier for you.
(grunting) See you later, carl.
Now, if you boys are going to play games, you better take lessons.
Lunch is ready, you'd better wash up.
(clearing throat) I hope that you don't require the car today.
I've sent saul panzer on an errand.
Interesting.
Yes, i gave him $100.
Good.
(Archie) If Wolfe saw fit to keep saul's errand private, he could eat wormy corn boiled in water before i'd ask him what it was.
Yes this, uh, ade without onion , but it has some garlic.
I prefer it this way.
But Fritz and i invite your opinion.
I would be glad to give it.
Miss the onions, Fritz.
(telephone ringing) Nero Wolfe's office.
Archie Goodwin speaking.
It's saul.
Saul.
Archie, if you please.
I'm sorry? Hang up.
Yes.
Satisfactory.
Of course, yes no, no.
Of course, you must accept the money.
Very well.
That was saul.
He will be returning a portion of the expense money as he had none.
I gave him $60 for six hours.
His daily minimum is 80.
Well, he wouldn't take it.
He didn't want to take anything.
Since this is our personal affair but i insisted.
Our personal affair.
Wolfe and i come as close to trusting each other as two men can on matters of joint concern, but apparently, this was no longer one of them.
We were waiting, and i didn't know what for.
(stomping footsteps) Has it come? What? The corn, has it come? Uh, not unless saul brought it.
Because uh, a possibility occurred to me.
It's remote, but, uh, it would be (ringing doorbell) Oh, well, here it is, right on time.
Nero Wolfe? Yes, yes.
I got your corn.
Yes.
Uh, did you pick that corn yourself? Hell, no, mcleod did.
Did you pack it in that carton? No, no, he did.
Oh, i get it.
You're a detective.
Yes yes.
That explains why you're asking me all those fancy questions, huh? Uh, you know, being finicky about food is fine up to a point, but there's really got to be a limit.
Call inspector cramer immediately.
Meanwhile, while we're waiting, you may peruse this.
All right, what's so damned urgent? It's supposed to contain corn.
Perhaps it does.
Yeah, so? It is conceivable that it contains dynamite, with a contraption inside that will detonate when the cord is cut and the lid is lifted.
What is this, a gag? Well, i can tell you nothing until we discover the contents of the box.
The hell you can't.
Why do you think it's dynamite? Would you notify the proper person without delay? You know, if you touch it or you open the lid or something, it might go off, and if that happened, we'd have to sue you for damages.
Hey! Not there.
Do you want to clear the room, inspector? Oh, it's, it's probably nothing.
Just, uh just, just check it out first.
Easy easy.
Wedge, wedge.
That's it, easy, easy.
Slow good.
I need a light.
Here you are, sir.
Your hands are shaking.
That's it, slow, slow.
That's it glass.
Here you go, sir.
Oh bad news? If you would have opened this i don't knowf we would have found the pieces.
You know, the guy that brought that in here, he had it right by the strings.
H-hands.
You know, Wolfe, you didn't think there was dynamite in there, you knew there was dynamite in there.
Now talk.
The possibility occurred to me, and i came down barely in time.
Three minutes more and phooey.
The, the man is a blackguard.
I, uh, sent for saul panzer this morning, and when he came who put the dynamite in the carton? I'm telling you! When he came, i, i had him type something out, a letter, and, uh, he delivered it to duncan mcleod's farm this afternoon.
Archie, you have a copy.
Yes, a memorandum from mr.
Wolfe to duncan mcleod.
Yeah, watch the lamp watch the lamp.
Just be careful with that, will you? Easy.
"Mr.
Duncan mcleod.
"Question one: When did Kenneth Faber tell you that your daughter was pregnant and he was responsible?" When did you figure this out? It's a matter of interpretation, not of knowledge.
So you decided to share your interpretation with him, instead of me? I prefer to put it that i decided not to decide.
Yeah.
Purley, call the sheriff's office.
Tell him to pick up mcleod and charge him with murder.
And hey, tell him to be careful.
He may be a little rough.
"Question two: "When did you get the piece of pipe? Was it on the premises?" Any man sufficiently provoked, might plan to kill.
But few men would choose an iron bludgeon as a weapon to carry about the streets.
Certainly not mr.
Heydt, mr.
Maslow or mr.
Jay.
But a countryman might.
"Question three: "Did you know that your daughter saw you "leaving the stairwell tuesday afternoon? Did you see her?" Well, you read the affidavit.
When i asked miss mcleod which one of those three men might ha killed Kenneth Faber, how did she answer? She said they didn't.
Yes, she stated that as a fact.
There was only one way that she could know they hadn't with such certainty.
She knew who had.
You knew about mcleod all along, didn't you, Wolfe? Not certain knowledge.
With all the bre, you know, any man would get dow on his knees and thank god.
Mr.
Cramer, it was a reasoned conclusion.
Now, you had all the facts.
You had the same facts i did.
What facts? The corn.
The corn? The corn? Knows how extremely particular i am n.
I pay him well, more than well.
He told me that he had Faber pick my corn because he had to dynamite some rocks and stumps.
He knew that Faber couldn't do the job properly, so there must have been something far more compelling than rocks and stumps for him to risk losing such a valuable customer.
Yeah, and nothing is more important than your precious corn, except for murder.
Precisely.
(phone ringing) Nero Wolfe's office, arch stebbins.
Yeah, hold on.
Yeah, purley.
Yeah what? Oh, cheese and rice! All right.
Your goddamn luck! About an hour ago, duncan mcleod sat or stood or lay on a pile of dynamite.
They've got his head and, uh, a few other pieces.
Ahh, nuts.
Where are we gonna get our corn? Phooey.
(exploding) soundwriters™