Never Have I Ever (2020) s02e05 Episode Script

1
[GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING]
[MCENROE] Devi couldn't
believe her eyes.
Her brand new friend, whom
she just decided to like,
was stone-cold flirting
with Ben freaking Gross.
- [BEN] Oh!
- Excuse me!
[MCENROE] Pencil games?
Why don't they just go
at it on the lab table?
What happened to the Aneesa who put
Ben in his place the other night?
As Devi thought back
on that interaction,
it looked a little different to her.
Since you're new, you should know
you're hanging out
with a social grenade.
[ANEESA LAUGHS]
Yeah, I'm not gonna take social advice
from a guy who looks like he still
gets his hair cut by
a children's barber.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[MCENROE] Mother of Borg!
That's some sexual tension.
And was that a goddamn Beyoncé
hair-flip? How had Devi been so blind?
[LAUGHS]
[TEACHER] Okay, agents.
Get your spy glasses on because
today we'll be learning about
bonds.
Covalent bonds.
[MCENROE] No, we won't, Mrs.
Paloma, because this bond was broken.
[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]
Then she did a crazy Beyoncé hair-flip.
[SCOFFS] And she didn't even
shower him with dandruff!
Devi, you're holding that
pen like a knife again.
Oh yeah, my b.
It's just Does she
not know girl code?
You don't flirt with your friend's ex!
Did you tell her he's your ex?
No, but she should be able to
sense it. Our chemistry is palpable.
So you still have feelings for Ben.
I should've picked Ben in the
first place! He was all in.
I got greedy, Doc.
Now my hands are covered in the
crumbs of my failed relationships.
[LAUGHING] Oh hell, Devi.
I am so glad to have you back,
but I'm gonna need
time-and-a-half for these sessions.
I know I really hurt Ben,
but deep down, I still
think there's hope for us.
Well, I thought you said that
he would never forgive you.
Yeah, but full-blown hatred is
kind of a comfortable place for us.
We've done that 180 before.
But not if Aneesa keeps
grabbing his goddamn pencil.
Is that a euphemism? Uh,
I don't even wanna know.
Devi, regardless of what
happens between you and Ben,
I think we need to work
on your approach to stress.
Perhaps, introduce some techniques
that would help you avoid
Losing my shit? Okay. Okay.
What are we thinking?
Meditation? Candles?
[GASPS] Could you prescribe me weed?
Or is that like only for real doctors?
Watch it.
Right. I'm thinking
something more simple.
Like, when you feel that surge
of anger coming up, stop
[INHALES DEEPLY] take a deep breath,
and listen to some soothing music
or anything that'll bring you peace.
- I think weed would be more effective.
- No.
Fine, I'll try it.
[MCENROE] Dr. Ryan was
a bit of a know-it-all,
but maybe she had a point.
Maybe it was possible
to handle stressful situations
in a mature, rational
What up, dude?
- Aah!
- Whoa, are you okay?
[MCENROE] As if you care, Aneesa!
Nope. Bad McEnroe. Bad!
Yep! I'm fine.
I was just, um, remembering an article
about how we all swallow at
least 20 spiders while we sleep.
That's been debunked.
Speaking of swallowing stuff
Not sexual. Let me
finish! Also, not sexual.
My mom made some of
her signature fudgies.
But are they sexual?
[MCENROE] Damn it! Devi was
gonna make the same joke.
Except, it was longer and less funny.
So why'd your mom make the
brownies? What's the occashe?
She made them for Eve, but
Eve is vegan, gluten-free,
and thinks that M&M's are complicit
in the corporatization of America.
It's like my mom doesn't even know her.
Well, have you introduced them?
Oh no, no. Are you kidding
me? Eve can't meet my mom.
Why? I thought your mom's
supportive of your relationship.
Yeah, too supportive.
She's trying so hard to be an ally,
but she keeps saying the wrong thing.
Like yesterday, she asked me
if I wanted to get a
funky, lesbian haircut.
- [WHIRRING]
- Oh, queen.
Yeah, that's not great.
Hey, at least you're allowed to date.
My mom covered my eyes during
the kiss in Lady and the Tramp
so I wouldn't get any ideas.
[MCENROE] But it seems as though
you have gotten some ideas, Aneesa.
And we all know who
your spaghetti-dog is.
[MOUTHFUL] And stop being
such an elegant eater!
Devi, there you are. May
I talk to you for a moment?
So it's come to my attention
that you have been skipping
PE for several weeks.
Right. I was told
that my credits weren't
gonna count at my high school in India,
so I figured, "What's the point?"
Since you're no longer moving to India,
that credit very much does count.
I see. So where am I at? A "B"?
[SCOFFS] A "B-plus"?
- No, you're getting an "F."
- [SCREAMS]
Okay. [CHUCKLES] Now, let's just relax.
Coach Noble has agreed to bump
up your grade if you participate
in my cross country team's 24-hour
relay for charity. [CHUCKLES]
Ugh! Can't I write an essay
about the history of
track and field instead?
No. Nobody wants to read that.
You just get a team together.
You're doing the relay.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
Hey, I have a weird request.
We'll be on your team.
We heard everything.
You only walked like two feet away.
- I'll ask you Eve too!
- Cool, I'll text Eleanor.
Oh, she's out. She has extra
Glass Menagerie rehearsals.
Shit. What other friends do we
have? Should we ask the lunch ladies?
I could ask some of my robotics peeps.
Oh, wait, let's
Hey, Eric! Do you wanna
join our 24-hour relay team?
Hell, yes, I do!
Me and my real human
girlfriend will be there.
Okay! Well, that's me
and Eve, Eric and Rosalia,
Devi, Aneesa.
Who else should we invite?
What about Ben?
[MCENROE] And boom goes the dynamite.
We had fun with him
the other night, right?
Yes, we did.
You should totally, totally text him.
Now if you'll excuse
me, I'm just gonna
go over here.
[PANTS]
[MCENROE] As Devi felt the
rage building up inside her,
she remembered Dr. Ryan's advice,
and decided to listen to something
soothing that could calm her down.
[MOHAN] Uh, hi, it's Dad.
Um, I'm here at the mall to pick you up.
Uh, I'm parked in front of P.F. Chang's,
but a brute security guard
is making me circle around.
Oh, wait, I see you. Ah,
there's my perfect girl.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Nope, not interested in joining
whatever cult this is. Thank you.
No, no, worry not!
We are from Kamala's lab.
I am Evan. This is Setseg.
We're here to pick her up
for the video game convention.
Right. Okay.
Why don't you wait right there?
And if you don't mind,
please take off your shoes.
I'm afraid that's not possible.
My shoes are connected to my pants.
My shoes are not connected to my pants,
but you do not want me to take them off.
Right, okay, yeah.
Kamala, y-your friends are here, ma!
Technically, we're her
bosses, thank you very much.
So how much did this house cost?
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Holy shit!
[NALINI] Ayyo.
[IN TAMIL] Why do you look like
a sexy flight attendant from Mars?
[IN TAMIL] I have to dress this
way to get respected in my work.
suggestive female character I could find.
We should skedaddle, but it was
a pleasure meeting all of you.
I enjoyed hearing you
speak your native tongue.
It is a beautiful, beautiful language.
Blessings upon your
horns. Setseg, the door.
- It's open.
- [EVAN] I can see that.
This is so undignified.
I know.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Okay, mitoshondria.
Mitochondria.
- Right.
- Um [SIGHS]
It's the powerhouse of the cell,
which turns nutrients
into chemical energy.
- Dude, you got it!
- Ha!
Hell, yeah! Suck it, science!
- [LAUGHS]
- [DEVI SNIFFS]
Did you just smell me?
- No.
- Okay.
I think we've done some good work
today. Should we take a break?
Paxton, this is the first card.
You have 99 more terms left to
learn before your test on Monday.
Shit! School's so repetitive.
Why can't it be more like swimming?
You dropped pencil.
Oh. Thanks.
- [GIGGLES]
- [DEVI] You know what?
Maybe it's healthy for you to learn
some things don't come so easy.
- Oh my God.
- [LAUGHS] Move!
[MCENROE] Well, well,
well. Who are they?
Doubles-partners Bob and Mike Bryan,
incapable of doing
anything on their own?
Hey, Devi, Ben and I are
helping set up the 24-hour relay.
Look who got a free badge
that says "volunteer"?
Ya bish! [LAUGHS]
Cool! Yeah, I used to be a Girl Scout,
so I have like hella badges at home.
Cool.
Aneesa, come on!
We gotta get there first so our tents
aren't next to the porta-potties.
All right. See you guys later.
Why is she so excited? Who even
wants to go to a 24-hour relay?
I do? It rocks!
I mean, there's a
reason everyone calls it
the 69-hour three-way. [CHUCKLES]
- Say what?
- Everyone hooks up there.
I mean, I'd definitely go if we
didn't have to study all weekend.
Oh. Uh, about that. I kinda have to go.
Not to hook up! Just so I don't fail PE.
Wait, what? How am I supposed to
learn all this stuff without you?
You have the flashcards.
That's the hard part.
All you have to do is review
them over for three days straight.
That's the fun part.
- [SIGHS]
- Yay.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hey! So since my mom is head chaperone,
she insisted on making us team shirts.
[DEVI] "The Jodie Fasters."
Wow, you weren't kidding.
Oh, snap! You decided
to introduce her to Eve?
No. Why would you say that?
Damn, I forgot they
were both gonna be here!
[DEVI] It doesn't seem like
they recognize each other.
Your lack of social media presence
has once again saved the day.
I'll have to spend the next 24
hours trying to keep them apart.
Don't worry. Everyone's so
consumed with their own stuff
that they forget to stop and notice
what's going on with other people.
Like for instance, what's
going on with Ben and Aneesa?
They seem kind of chummy, right?
Oh, you don't have to worry.
Aneesa is way out of Ben's league.
Okay? She would never stoop that low.
- No offense.
- Facts. You're probably right.
And besides, this is an open field
surrounded by parents and teachers.
Where would they even do it anyway?
Welcome to the Spurt
Yurt! Sign up to hook up.
Unless you're a teacher. In that
case, this is just a study hall.
Trent, what is this?
It's a safe space to consensually rail.
It's kinda my modern take
on the classic Billy
Wilder film, The Apartment.
I really tricked it out this year.
[UNZIPPING]
It's pretty sweet, huh?
My brother stole that soundproofing foam
when he got kicked out of his band.
That means you can O
as loud as you want.
[MCENROE] Holy shit! Was Paxton right?
Was this boring-ass charity
event really an all-night orgy?
Well, what do you say,
mon petit croissant?
Shall I sign us up for
an amorous escapade?
Yes, please! I got some raw oysters
in my backpack to get us in the mood.
Uh, is this a sign-up list?
Are you thinking about
doing a solo sesh? Respect.
[MCENROE] Devi had been right all along.
This place was more sexed-up
than the Olympic Village,
and Ben Gross had a
prime time 9:00 p.m. slot.
It didn't take a 4.0 GPA to
know who his plus-one would be.
[MOHAN ON VOICEMAIL] Uh, hi, it's Dad.
Um, I'm here at the mall to pick you up.
- I'm parked in front of
- [ALL CHEERING]
Welcome to the 24-hour relay.
Now, we all know the rules.
One member from each team
must be running the one-mile
loop at all times for 24 hours.
On your marks!
Agh! Too bad we're on the same team,
because I'd kick your
ass on this course.
Oh. That's cute that
you think so, sweetheart,
but my sick calf
definition begs to differ.
- Boom.
- [CHUCKLES]
[MCENROE] Damn it! They're bantering.
That was Devi and Ben's thing.
What move was Aneesa going to steal
next? A playful punch to the arm?
[BEN GIGGLES]
[MCENROE] Son of a bitch!
- [FEEDBACK]
- Get set!
Mr. Shapiro, please do the honors.
As a practicing pacifist, I
will not be using a starting gun.
Instead, I will be playing three
notes of peace on this Peruvian siku.
[BLOWING SIKU]
- That means you can go.
- [ALL CHEERING]
[MCENROE] Ben and Aneesa were
getting way too close for comfort.
Devi had to get back quickly
before anything else could happen,
which meant she had to beast
the shit out of this mile.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay, so maybe Devi wasn't
a world-class athlete.
And speaking as a world-class athlete,
weird choice to wear
full-face makeup to this event.
[PANTING]
Jesus, David, you
never exercised before?
Not intentionally, no.
[GROANS]
I think I have
jogging-induced appendicitis!
Medic? Medic!
You have a cramp.
[SIGHS] Here.
Let me show you this trick my dad's
training buddy Dwayne showed him.
Dwayne Johnson.
[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]
All right.
"The Krebs cycle."
The cycle of Krebs?
Not even close.
[SIGHS]
All right.
Krebs cycle.
When am I ever gonna have to
know the Krebs cycle in my life?
It's so stupid!
[SLURPING]
- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [WHIRRING]
All right.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Krebs cycle.
Shit. [SIGHS]
Stupid science!
I thought it was the
opposite of swimming.
Thirty minutes before you run,
you're supposed to
eat as much as you can.
That is extremely incorrect.
Has the cramp gone?
I think so.
[SIGHS]
Why are you being nice to me?
Well, this is a charity event, and
you are, after all, a charity case.
[SCOFFS]
Banter.
Did the loop feel short to you? I
didn't even get my heart rate up.
[BEN GROANS]
Aneesa, let's go play cornhole.
Try not to die.
While Ben did seem less furious at her,
it couldn't extinguish
the red-hot sparks
sizzling between him and Aneesa.
- I mean, Christ, look at them!
- [SIGHS]
[MCENROE] They just shared ChapStick.
That's like the high school equivalent
of a glass of brandy before sex.
Screw deep breaths and voicemails!
It was time for Devi to
put these two lovebirds
on the endangered species list.
- [TABLET CHIMING]
- Yes! [CHUCKLES]
Whoa, I've never finished the
Saturday puzzle in under 20 minutes!
How do you know so many weird facts?
I spend a lot of time editing Wikipedia.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Hey, do you wanna go
somewhere more private?
Maybe the woods where
there's no people around?
That sounded romantic, but
also creepy at the same time.
Great! Let's go to the woods.
["BAD HABITS" BY MADAME GANDHI PLAYING]
[MCENROE] Devi was hell-bent
on keeping Ben and Aneesa
away from each other,
and nothing was going
to stand in her way
- Hey.
- Paxton? What are you doing here?
- You're supposed to be studying.
- I was, but studying is kinda boring,
and it's less boring with you.
[MCENROE] Damn. Did this hunk of beef
just say he likes
spending time with her?
You know, because you teach me
stuff in a fun way, like a Muppet.
Okay, we gotta stop letting
this kid get our hopes up.
Remember, he said you
two don't make any sense.
Also, you still kinda owe me.
You're gonna feel real bad
if I can't get into college.
Yeah, I'll help you study,
but I have to take care
of one thing really quick.
- I'll be right there.
- [PAXTON] All right.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hey, Ben. It seems like
it's your turn to run.
Really? I thought I go after Rosalia.
Yeah, Ben's right. I made up an
acronym to help us remember the order.
DARBEEF, as in, "Dar, who
beefed?" Isn't that helpful?
No. Your fart-related
acronym is not helpful, Eric,
because Ben goes after Eve, and
she's finishing up her loop, okay?
Not okay! You can't talk to me
like that. I'm a boyfriend now.
It's fine. I'll go.
My trainer's pissed at me
for missing leg-day anyway.
["BAD HABITS" PLAYING]
[BEATBOXING]
- Ready? Oh!
- Oh! No! Okay.
[BOTH LAUGH]
You go.
Ooh ♪
Ooh ♪
All my bad habits ♪
Have got to, got to go ♪
But it don't ♪
All my bad habits ♪
Have got to, got to go ♪
But it don't ♪
It's my turn again? Are you sure?
Yep.
All my bad habits ♪
Have got to, got to go ♪
But it don't ♪
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- Literally, it was so
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[FARTING]
Yeah, I don't like this.
Fair enough.
Here.
[MCENROE] Game, set, match.
Devi might've been the
worst runner I've ever seen,
but she truly was the
Usain Bolt of cockblocking.
No way were these two
making it to Trent's tent
for their 9:00 p.m. hookup sesh.
Devi!
Don't worry, Miss Dubs. I'm all over it.
What? Devi!
- Yo, did I get your dick?
- No.
Okay. Want to get zooted? I got edibles.
Yeah.
[MCENROE] Devi had earned her victory
lap, and for the first time ever,
she was enjoying the
feeling of exercise.
The wind through her hair, the
soft crunch of leaves underfoot,
the sight of Ben and Aneesa
going to Trent's tent!
What? How? Man, teenagers are horny.
[MS. WARNER] No stopping on the
course! That means you, Devi.
[MCENROE] Only seven
minutes to stop them.
This was gonna have
to be the fastest mile
of Devi Vishwakumar's entire life.
[PANTING]
[MCENROE] Or not.
What?
["BAD HABITS" PLAYING]
All my bad habits ♪
Have got to, got to go ♪
[MCENROE] Okay, so she
was gonna have to cheat.
[GROANS]
[GRUNTS] Shit!
Really?
All my bad habits ♪
Have got to, got to go ♪
All my bad habits ♪
Have got to, got to go ♪
Do you need water?
Damn it! [GRUNTS]
I need my phone.
Huh? Where's my phone?
Have you seen my phone?
Have you seen my phone?
Oh, hey! Um, Aneesa, right?
You've been running
sub-six-minute miles all day.
Any interest in joining
the cross country team?
No, you racist! I'm not Aneesa!
I don't run fast, I'm not cool,
and I don't eat one crumb of brownie
because I'm straight-up anorexic! Okay?
Hey, Devi. Not to get in the
way of your little meltdown
Which is going great, by the way.
The scratches on your face are hilare.
But did you just say that Aneesa is ano?
Yeah! Probably! I've never
seen her eat a damn thing!
Oh my God! That's, like,
so sad about Aneesa.
We probs shouldn't tell anyone,
because it's, like, private.
[MCENROE] So far the 24-hour
relay had sucked a big fat one.
Ben and Aneesa were probably hooking up,
and even worse, Devi had lost
her dad's voicemails forever.
[SIGHS]
What's up, Devi?
- Paxton?
- Where you been?
I was trying to study,
but Trent got me loose.
[LAUGHS]
But don't worry. I'm ready to
learn the shit out of this shit.
[SNORING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[YAWNING]
[SOBBING]
Hey. Aneesa, are you
crying? What happened?
Apparently, everyone's talking about me.
They're saying I have
an eating disorder.
Really? That's terrible.
But hey, it's just a rumor, right?
Whoever said that is
probably just jealous of you.
Devi, it's not a rumor.
It's true. [SNIFFLING]
It's the reason I had
to leave my last school.
[MCENROE] Oh, shit,
Devi. This is not good.
I wanted to start fresh here, and
everything was going so well. I
I don't know how they found out.
- Hey
- [SOBBING]
[BITTERSWEET MUSIC PLAYING]
[SNIFFLING]
Oh, uh
Here's your phone.
You must've dropped it while running.
Attention, students, the relay is over.
And thanks to you,
we've raised enough money
to pay the school's legal fees
for that slip-and-fall case.
Wait, that's what we were running for?
[GASPS] Oh, hey!
[GRUNTS]
What the frick? Why did you push me?
Every time that PTA woman is nearby,
you start acting weird as hell.
[SIGHS] Eve, I have to come clean.
That woman isn't a woman at all.
She's a mother. My mother.
She is?
Do you not want me to meet
her? Are you embarrassed of me?
No, of course not!
I'm embarrassed of her.
I know she's gonna say
something weird to you.
She's definitely gonna tell you
how much she liked the movie Carol.
Great, I hope she does. It's
my favorite Christmas movie.
Now, suck it up and introduce us.
Fab. Haven't seen you for the whole
relay. Where've you been hiding?
Hi, Mom. Um
This is Eve, my girlfriend.
Eve? The Eve?
Oh my gosh, it is so
nice to finally meet you!
Did Fabiola tell you? I hung
a rainbow flag on our porch.
That's awesome! And also,
great job on the relay.
Everything looks amazing.
Aw! Well, if you think this looks good,
wait until you see what the
PTA does for the Winter Dance.
You two are going, right?
I don't really think
that's our thing, Mom.
Uh, it's the Winter Dance. [CHUCKLES]
It's a tradition!
It's where they crown the
Cricket King and Queen.
Mom, it's just a popularity contest
that's like super heteronormative
and reinforces the gender binary.
Right, Eve?
Yeah, I don't know
if anyone really cares
about Cricket King and Queen anymore.
I was Cricket Queen.
Oh, I'm so sorry
And Fabiola's dad was Cricket King.
We were actually the first
Cricket King and Queen of color.
Whoa, that's amazing!
And it may sound silly,
but it really meant a lot
to all of the other
students who looked like us.
Oh my God, Fab,
we should run for
Cricket King and Queen!
Cricket Queen and Queen.
That is an excellent idea. [CHUCKLES]
Is it too early to say, "Yas, Queens!"
- Mom, yes.
- [LAUGHING] It's not too early at all.
Fab, your mom's so cool.
[ELISE] Aw! I love Eve.
You should come to our house
and watch Carol sometime.
- I love Carol.
- [ELISE] Okay.
So come with me because
I wanted to talk
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, what happened to you? Did
you get attacked by another coyote?
I wish.
- Dr. Vishwakumar.
- Yes, Ms. Warner. How are you?
Well, everything is mediocre.
But listen, I just want to tell you
what a successful relay Devi had.
Not only did she do all of her laps,
but I saw her working extra hard to
get her teammates involved as well.
Consider your PE grade
changed to an "A."
Thank you. That's very nice of you.
You're welcome.
Well, well, young lady.
You should be proud of yourself.
Shut the trunk.
[CAR DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR BEEPS]
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
[MCENROE] Devi was far
from proud of herself.
[MOHAN ON VOICEMAIL] Uh, hi, it's Dad.
Um, I'm here at the mall to pick you up.
Uh, I'm parked in front
of P.F. Chang's, but
[SOFTLY] Is that her?
- No, it's the other one. The skinny one.
- Oh Okay.
[MCENROE] The rumor had
spread like a wine stain
on a pair of tennis whites.
Was that why Aneesa
wasn't at school today?
Devi couldn't imagine feeling any lower.
[MS. WARNER ON INTERCOM]
Devi Vishwakumar,
please report to the principal's office.
[MCENROE] Until now.
["YELLOW SEA" BY MADAME GANDHI PLAYING]
[VOCALIZING]
If I drum the beat ♪
Will you sing with me ♪
If I drum the beat ♪
Will you sing with me ♪
If I drum the beat ♪
Will you sing with me ♪
A yellow sea around me ♪
A yellow sea around me ♪
When I get lost I
just turn on "Wazey" ♪
She always knows
which way to take me ♪
Basking naked ♪
Where the sun rays hit me ♪
A yellow sea around me ♪
[VOCALIZING]
If I drum the beat ♪
Will you sing with me ♪
If I drum the beat ♪
[VOCALIZING]