Newsreaders (2013) s02e05 Episode Script
Headless Football Player; Identify Thief
Tonight on "Newsreaders," your paranoia was right.
Those guys in the locker room are trying to steal your combination.
Also We interview Terrence Herndon, a black cop who directs traffic without any of the soulful moves white people have come to expect.
All that and more tonight On "Newsreaders.
" Newsreaders - 02x05 Headless Football Player Newsreaders - 02x05 Identify Thief First tonight, over the years, we've shown you many inspirational stories of the human spirit triumphing over odds ranging from all to some Like the story of the remarkable young man we met many years ago who went on to win the world - series of pinball.
- You really do play by - intuition, Tommy.
- But we had yet to meet someone as inspirational as young Brandon Gifford.
From an early age, Brandon Gifford was a football phenomenon Pee Wee Football MVP, all-state at age 6.
By 8, middle-school coaches had started recruiting him.
For Brandon's parents, Eddie and Julie, it's been all football all the time.
People like to say that Brandon came out of the womb - playing football.
- I like to say he came out of Julie's "beave" in an "I" formation an "I" formation, as in, "I'm gonna play football.
" Mm.
And that's how it's been ever since Eddie telling strangers about my cooch and Brandon - playing football.
- Proud of both of them.
- Mm-hmm.
- Two greatest things in my - life.
- Brandon was assured a starting position on the freshman team, but then tragedy - struck.
- One day, Brandon was messing - around inside the clothes dryer.
- It's one of those front-end-loading deals.
And his brother turned the dryer on while Brandon was still - inside.
- Oh, - no! - By the time we could pull the plug out of the wall, Brandon's head had fallen clean off.
Sorry.
I was laughing at the first part of that story.
- So, his head came clean off.
- Completely.
I noticed you said "front-end loader" back there, but you didn't make a reference to your wife's vagina.
You got me there.
Yeah, I I love to lose my head in Julie's front loader.
Amazingly, Brandon survived the accident, and thanks to the love and support of his family, he has been able - to lead a fairly normal life.
- Ohh, watch your fingers.
Despite his injury, Brandon was determined to play again.
You can imagine how surprised I was when Brandon appeared in my office.
I'll never forget it Mostly because he didn't have a head.
And why was he there? He wanted to play football! That boy has an unbreakable spirit.
I guess you could say what he lacks in head, he - more than makes up for in heart.
- Well, that seems kind of - crass.
- They said he couldn't play because of the mandatory helmet rule.
- Brandon can't wear a helmet.
- Because he doesn't - have a head.
- Right.
But is there no mandatory head rule? - No.
We caught a break there.
- Mm.
But Eddie and I have a mandatory head rule.
my man-trap.
The breaks kept coming for Brandon.
His teammates refused to play without him, and the school had no choice but to waive the helmet policy.
When we found out Brandon was able to play, we decided, whenever we get to call a toss, we will never call heads.
Because Brandon doesn't have a head.
Brandon rejoined his teammates, and the first game of the season - was just a few days away.
- We've learned so much more from Brandon than he will ever learn from us.
For instance, we told him a million times not to play in the clothes dryer, but he wouldn't listen.
- And now he can't listen.
- Because he has no - ears.
- Because he has no ears.
Nothing about Julie's vagina? - Hey, time and a place, pal.
- We were there for - Brandon's big game.
- Go, Brandon! Brandon, we're all here! Honey! That's my son, the one without the head! And at halfback, number 77, Brandon Gifford! And in the first quarter, Brandon's dream finally - came true.
- The snap.
Handed to Gifford! Gifford's down! - Brandon! - Brandon Gifford is down! This is a tragedy.
But what did we think would happen? I mean, that kid has no head.
He shouldn't even be alive, right? I mean, where's the damn brain, huh? He makes a good point.
Cut it.
I knew this story seemed too - good to be true.
- We're happy to report that Brandon Gifford will be out of his body cast in four to six weeks.
Well, one thing you can never really recover from is identity theft, even if you are an identity thief.
Amir LaRussa has more.
This is Sergei Kiev.
He's a third-generation identity thief and a single father of four.
For Sergei, there was a time not too long ago when everything was his for the taking.
You talk to me a month ago, bro, I would say these days, it's easy to steal identity, bro.
- It's like, uh, pfft! - That does sound easy.
Well, "pfft" is Russian for "easy.
" You must have stolen a few good identities along the way.
- Which one was your favorite? - Willow Smith.
Oh! That's awesome.
- Pfft! - Pfft! No.
"Pfft.
" - Pfft.
- No.
It's "p.
" P-fft.
- Pfft.
- We could look at footage, and - it's exactly the same.
- But these days, nothing looks - the same to Sergei.
- Things haven't been so easy - for you recently, have they? - Oh, bro.
- No.
It's been bad.
- It's not so "pfft" anymore.
- It's not "pfft," no, bro.
- "Bro" must mean "yes" in Russian, or maybe like "aloha," it means several things.
- He uses it a lot.
- My problem was, I stole a really terrible identity Fred Barkley.
When Sergei stole retail clerk Fred Barkley's identity, he got more than he bargained for.
S-stole for? Stole for? - Stole for.
- Oh, stealing this Barkley I mean, bigger mistake than cleaning lady who put my track suit in the dryer.
My life is ruined.
- 'Cause of the track suit? - No, I'm wearing.
It's okay now.
I ironed it.
So, you stole the wrong identity.
- Yeah.
- And he's been paying for that - mistake ever since.
- I'm stuck paying all these bills, thousands of parking tickets.
And those debt collectors are ruthless, bro.
And weekends, too.
And always during dinnertime.
And now I have his subscription - to Netflix.
- That last one doesn't sound - so bad.
- It's DVD only, bro.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Sergei didn't just assume Fred Barkley's debt.
He also took in Barkley's - children.
- Why don't you give the kids - up for adoption? - If I don't look after the - kids, bro, who will? - So, if you'd go back and do it differently, what would you do? I wouldn't steal identity I found on bathroom wall.
You found it on a bathroom wall? - Yes.
Where'd you find yours? - I was born with this one.
- Okay.
- Sergei found all he needed here, in the bathroom of a Russian restaurant popular with identity thieves.
We tracked down Fred Barkley, who now goes by the name Johnny Hogwild? They got everything my student-loan debt, my house, my kids.
So, I figured the best thing to do is just start a new life under a new identity.
I had to sandblast off my fingerprints, get a new passport.
I had to get 13 new credit - cards, so - You have a jet ski in your - house.
- I do.
Did you buy this with the new credit cards? I did, yes.
You know, when your life is crazy, when you feel your family slipping away from you, when you don't know up from down, sometimes the simple comforts of - life can help you to feel sane.
- Like a dog Butler and just - one horse from a carousel? - Yeah.
Sadly, like so many immigrants before him, Sergei now finds that his American dream has turned into a living - nightmare.
- "National Lampoon's Vegas vacation.
" Right, always, right in the middle of dinner.
Your life as an identity thief turned out very differently than you expected.
Any regrets? Some days, I wish I'd gotten into more sensible field, like harvesting immigrant organs or selling counterfeit retroviral - drugs.
- And now some Sage words from Skip Reming.
Skip.
I've covered every president since Dwight D.
Eisenhower was in short pants playing cowboys and Indians in his backyard with real cowboys and Indians.
And when you cover the presidents, they become your friends Even Carter.
And like with your friends, with presidents, you spend a lot of time trying to figure out one thing whose wife would I really like to nail? So, for me, which first lady is the one that got away? Well, Betty Ford is a good place to start.
She was always a lot of fun.
Jackie O well, that was a no-brainer.
Her husband, Jack, was so mobbed up, you didn't dare unless you fancied becoming the ham in a Cuban sandwich served in a diner called Camelot.
"Lady Bird" Johnson? Well, that bird was a lady, and she had no interest in my Johnson.
Of course a lot of people also ask me, "Skip, if you had a time machine, which president would you go back in time to make wear the horns of shame?" That's a stupid question.
There's only one answer Our eighth president, Martin Van Buren.
This slice of Southern peach pie is Angelica Singleton Van Buren.
She was Martin Van Buren's daughter-in-law, and because Van Buren didn't have a wife, he made Angelica the first lady at the age of 20.
And if I could bend space and time I would have liked to take a waltz in her rose garden.
Yes, sir.
Tune in next week, when we'll take you to the red carpet and find out why side boob has been replaced by side ball.
I'm Reagan Biscayne.
Good night.
Those guys in the locker room are trying to steal your combination.
Also We interview Terrence Herndon, a black cop who directs traffic without any of the soulful moves white people have come to expect.
All that and more tonight On "Newsreaders.
" Newsreaders - 02x05 Headless Football Player Newsreaders - 02x05 Identify Thief First tonight, over the years, we've shown you many inspirational stories of the human spirit triumphing over odds ranging from all to some Like the story of the remarkable young man we met many years ago who went on to win the world - series of pinball.
- You really do play by - intuition, Tommy.
- But we had yet to meet someone as inspirational as young Brandon Gifford.
From an early age, Brandon Gifford was a football phenomenon Pee Wee Football MVP, all-state at age 6.
By 8, middle-school coaches had started recruiting him.
For Brandon's parents, Eddie and Julie, it's been all football all the time.
People like to say that Brandon came out of the womb - playing football.
- I like to say he came out of Julie's "beave" in an "I" formation an "I" formation, as in, "I'm gonna play football.
" Mm.
And that's how it's been ever since Eddie telling strangers about my cooch and Brandon - playing football.
- Proud of both of them.
- Mm-hmm.
- Two greatest things in my - life.
- Brandon was assured a starting position on the freshman team, but then tragedy - struck.
- One day, Brandon was messing - around inside the clothes dryer.
- It's one of those front-end-loading deals.
And his brother turned the dryer on while Brandon was still - inside.
- Oh, - no! - By the time we could pull the plug out of the wall, Brandon's head had fallen clean off.
Sorry.
I was laughing at the first part of that story.
- So, his head came clean off.
- Completely.
I noticed you said "front-end loader" back there, but you didn't make a reference to your wife's vagina.
You got me there.
Yeah, I I love to lose my head in Julie's front loader.
Amazingly, Brandon survived the accident, and thanks to the love and support of his family, he has been able - to lead a fairly normal life.
- Ohh, watch your fingers.
Despite his injury, Brandon was determined to play again.
You can imagine how surprised I was when Brandon appeared in my office.
I'll never forget it Mostly because he didn't have a head.
And why was he there? He wanted to play football! That boy has an unbreakable spirit.
I guess you could say what he lacks in head, he - more than makes up for in heart.
- Well, that seems kind of - crass.
- They said he couldn't play because of the mandatory helmet rule.
- Brandon can't wear a helmet.
- Because he doesn't - have a head.
- Right.
But is there no mandatory head rule? - No.
We caught a break there.
- Mm.
But Eddie and I have a mandatory head rule.
my man-trap.
The breaks kept coming for Brandon.
His teammates refused to play without him, and the school had no choice but to waive the helmet policy.
When we found out Brandon was able to play, we decided, whenever we get to call a toss, we will never call heads.
Because Brandon doesn't have a head.
Brandon rejoined his teammates, and the first game of the season - was just a few days away.
- We've learned so much more from Brandon than he will ever learn from us.
For instance, we told him a million times not to play in the clothes dryer, but he wouldn't listen.
- And now he can't listen.
- Because he has no - ears.
- Because he has no ears.
Nothing about Julie's vagina? - Hey, time and a place, pal.
- We were there for - Brandon's big game.
- Go, Brandon! Brandon, we're all here! Honey! That's my son, the one without the head! And at halfback, number 77, Brandon Gifford! And in the first quarter, Brandon's dream finally - came true.
- The snap.
Handed to Gifford! Gifford's down! - Brandon! - Brandon Gifford is down! This is a tragedy.
But what did we think would happen? I mean, that kid has no head.
He shouldn't even be alive, right? I mean, where's the damn brain, huh? He makes a good point.
Cut it.
I knew this story seemed too - good to be true.
- We're happy to report that Brandon Gifford will be out of his body cast in four to six weeks.
Well, one thing you can never really recover from is identity theft, even if you are an identity thief.
Amir LaRussa has more.
This is Sergei Kiev.
He's a third-generation identity thief and a single father of four.
For Sergei, there was a time not too long ago when everything was his for the taking.
You talk to me a month ago, bro, I would say these days, it's easy to steal identity, bro.
- It's like, uh, pfft! - That does sound easy.
Well, "pfft" is Russian for "easy.
" You must have stolen a few good identities along the way.
- Which one was your favorite? - Willow Smith.
Oh! That's awesome.
- Pfft! - Pfft! No.
"Pfft.
" - Pfft.
- No.
It's "p.
" P-fft.
- Pfft.
- We could look at footage, and - it's exactly the same.
- But these days, nothing looks - the same to Sergei.
- Things haven't been so easy - for you recently, have they? - Oh, bro.
- No.
It's been bad.
- It's not so "pfft" anymore.
- It's not "pfft," no, bro.
- "Bro" must mean "yes" in Russian, or maybe like "aloha," it means several things.
- He uses it a lot.
- My problem was, I stole a really terrible identity Fred Barkley.
When Sergei stole retail clerk Fred Barkley's identity, he got more than he bargained for.
S-stole for? Stole for? - Stole for.
- Oh, stealing this Barkley I mean, bigger mistake than cleaning lady who put my track suit in the dryer.
My life is ruined.
- 'Cause of the track suit? - No, I'm wearing.
It's okay now.
I ironed it.
So, you stole the wrong identity.
- Yeah.
- And he's been paying for that - mistake ever since.
- I'm stuck paying all these bills, thousands of parking tickets.
And those debt collectors are ruthless, bro.
And weekends, too.
And always during dinnertime.
And now I have his subscription - to Netflix.
- That last one doesn't sound - so bad.
- It's DVD only, bro.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Sergei didn't just assume Fred Barkley's debt.
He also took in Barkley's - children.
- Why don't you give the kids - up for adoption? - If I don't look after the - kids, bro, who will? - So, if you'd go back and do it differently, what would you do? I wouldn't steal identity I found on bathroom wall.
You found it on a bathroom wall? - Yes.
Where'd you find yours? - I was born with this one.
- Okay.
- Sergei found all he needed here, in the bathroom of a Russian restaurant popular with identity thieves.
We tracked down Fred Barkley, who now goes by the name Johnny Hogwild? They got everything my student-loan debt, my house, my kids.
So, I figured the best thing to do is just start a new life under a new identity.
I had to sandblast off my fingerprints, get a new passport.
I had to get 13 new credit - cards, so - You have a jet ski in your - house.
- I do.
Did you buy this with the new credit cards? I did, yes.
You know, when your life is crazy, when you feel your family slipping away from you, when you don't know up from down, sometimes the simple comforts of - life can help you to feel sane.
- Like a dog Butler and just - one horse from a carousel? - Yeah.
Sadly, like so many immigrants before him, Sergei now finds that his American dream has turned into a living - nightmare.
- "National Lampoon's Vegas vacation.
" Right, always, right in the middle of dinner.
Your life as an identity thief turned out very differently than you expected.
Any regrets? Some days, I wish I'd gotten into more sensible field, like harvesting immigrant organs or selling counterfeit retroviral - drugs.
- And now some Sage words from Skip Reming.
Skip.
I've covered every president since Dwight D.
Eisenhower was in short pants playing cowboys and Indians in his backyard with real cowboys and Indians.
And when you cover the presidents, they become your friends Even Carter.
And like with your friends, with presidents, you spend a lot of time trying to figure out one thing whose wife would I really like to nail? So, for me, which first lady is the one that got away? Well, Betty Ford is a good place to start.
She was always a lot of fun.
Jackie O well, that was a no-brainer.
Her husband, Jack, was so mobbed up, you didn't dare unless you fancied becoming the ham in a Cuban sandwich served in a diner called Camelot.
"Lady Bird" Johnson? Well, that bird was a lady, and she had no interest in my Johnson.
Of course a lot of people also ask me, "Skip, if you had a time machine, which president would you go back in time to make wear the horns of shame?" That's a stupid question.
There's only one answer Our eighth president, Martin Van Buren.
This slice of Southern peach pie is Angelica Singleton Van Buren.
She was Martin Van Buren's daughter-in-law, and because Van Buren didn't have a wife, he made Angelica the first lady at the age of 20.
And if I could bend space and time I would have liked to take a waltz in her rose garden.
Yes, sir.
Tune in next week, when we'll take you to the red carpet and find out why side boob has been replaced by side ball.
I'm Reagan Biscayne.
Good night.