Nobodies (2017) s02e05 Episode Script

1 (GROANING) Hey! - Hey.
- What are you doing? Oh, just stretching my groin.
Was thinking maybe I'd hit it.
Oh, um well, I need to get going to work, but if it's quick No, I was gonna hit the road.
I-I'm finished stretching.
I was gonna ride my bike.
Yeah, totally.
I knew that's what you meant.
Um, I brought you some banana bread.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Lois and I baked it as a thank-you for baby-sitting the other night.
Wow.
That's, uh That's so nice.
You're not gonna eat it, are you, 'cause of the gluten? And the refined carbs.
Tell Lois I ate it and it was delicious.
- What's that? - Oh! Uh, this was on your doorstep from CAA.
- Mmm.
- Oh, yeah.
I think I know what this is.
I-I was offered the lead in a sitcom.
Shut up! That's amazing! What's it about? No idea.
Hadn't read it.
Uh, well, would it shoot here or Yeah, I think so, but I don't know if I want to do another show.
'Cause then, you know, if it's successful, then I'm stuck doing that for years.
What's wrong with that? We'd both be working on shows.
I mean, we'd have the same hours.
If we filmed on the same lot, we could drive to work together.
And you'd be here in L.
A.
Why do you want me in L.
A.
? You know.
'Cause we're Dating? Yeah, dating.
And You're falling in love with me? I don't know.
Are you falling in love with me? I think I know.
I think I know, yeah.
What are you doing? Well, you've convinced me.
Calling my agent.
I'm gonna do it.
But I thought you said you hadn't read it.
That doesn't help me.
I read the pilot script for "Breaking Bad" and I passed on it, so what the hell do I know? But you read it.
Tell me what you think.
It's Mark-Paul for Marcy.
Is she in? Marcy! (MARK-PAUL CHUCKLING) I'm in! - Let's do it.
- Oh So does this mean they were never really considering Larry for the part? I don't Mark-Paul's agent said CBS wants a name.
Anyone who's name is not Larry Dorf.
- Will you tell him? - Why would I tell him? - Your boyfriend took his part.
- He didn't do it on purpose! Mark-Paul Gosselaar? As Larry Dorf? I mean, has there been a greater miscasting in the history of miscasting? Mark-Paul Gosselaar is, like, six-feet and good-looking.
Great-looking.
And I think he's 6'1", but I'll look it up.
(PHONE KEYPAD TICKING) He's not any taller than I am.
Well, very good-looking people appear taller.
- BOTH: Aah! - Oh! Jesus! What are you doing? Sorry.
Oh, my God.
The AC is on a timer or something and I it just got so hot, I couldn't sleep.
Why were you sleeping here? Jen and I got in a huge fight.
She kicked me out of the house.
She was at the table read.
I don't even know how she knew about that! Well, why didn't you go to a hotel? Because I kept thinking that Jen was gonna call me and say, "This is stupid.
Come home," but she never did.
I mean, I get that she's mad, but what, does she want a divorce 'cause I called her a harried housewife in a script? I mean, am I crazy? This is a giant overreaction.
Is there something I'm missing? (WHISPERING) Schnitman! - What? - What? Our pediatrician? - What? - You just said, "Schnitman.
" That's the name of my pediatrician.
No, I I said, "Shit, man.
" 'Cause you said, "Is there something I'm missing?" And I was like, "Shit, man! Is there something he's missing?" "Shit, man," is right.
I mean, this is the worst day of my life.
The only thing keeping me from not killing myself is that I'm gonna be the star of a CBS sitcom.
So, Larry, do you know why you're here? I don't.
They won't tell me.
I said I'm not gonna kill myself.
Larry, if you're thinking about killing yourself, please, don't do it.
I've had so many clients take their own life, and at a certain point, it starts to make me look bad.
My wife and I are having some problems.
Is that what this is about? You guys are concerned about my marriage? That's very sweet.
I'm touched.
You're good friends.
Great friends.
But let's not kid ourselves here.
It's not all out of the goodness of your hearts.
I'm their meal ticket.
I'm about to be a giant star, and these two are a little bit like barnacles on a ship, just along for a free ride, clinging to the bottom of the SS Dorf as she sails the seas of the globe.
That is so gross.
Larry, you're here because Rachel and Hugh have something to tell you, and they are worried that you are going to fall apart.
But I want you to know this is a safe space, and I can and will rebuild you.
Rachel, Hugh, why don't you go ahead and tell Larry the bad news? Oh! Um we were actually hoping you would do it.
Well, we all hope for things, Rachel.
I'm sure you were hoping for less Semitic features.
I know what it is.
It's my teeth.
You're both afraid to tell me that no one on TV has teeth like this, with big, giant gaps between them.
I already know that.
That's why I'm getting veneers.
I've already had a consultation.
Look.
Larry oh, my God! (HUGH) What the hell are did you ask for extra teeth? Larry, it's not your teeth.
No, but you really should do something about 'em, because that's all I've been thinking about since you started talking today, is those teeth.
My grandmother had the same condition.
Fish teeth.
Hugh? Larry, um Just tell me.
I mean, I've already been kicked out of my home.
It can't get any worse.
There's literally nothing you can tell me that's gonna upset me.
Unless you're about to tell me that I'm not gonna be the star of a CBS sitcom.
You're not gonna be the star of a CBS sitcom.
Hmm.
(RACHEL) Larry? Larry! Here you go.
And of course, you know you can stay here as long as you need.
Mmm! Is this okay? I never get to drink wine anymore 'cause of Mark-Paul.
Pour me one.
I never get to drink wine anymore either 'cause I'm always drinking Scotch.
Mmm.
Poor Larry.
Maybe that should be the new name of the show.
(DOOR CLOSES) "Poor Larry.
" Hey.
Uh, uh, Sam what are you doing here? Uh, Reese broke her arm doing that airplane stunt.
- What's going on here? - Oh.
Uh, Larry's having a bit of a rough day.
Oh, God.
What happened? Kind of all of his dreams are not coming true at the exact same time.
I told him he could stay here.
Wait, my house? Uh, "our" house.
And I thought you were in Toronto.
Well, I'm not in Toronto anymore, so maybe Larry can find a different place to stay so I can have some time alone with my boyfriend.
Yeah.
- Ahh, that looks good.
- Yeah.
You're not wearing any shoes.
Oh! I had 'em when I came here.
Having a party too.
Fun, fun.
How are you? Good.
Um, I'm actually, I'm great.
I, um, I'm dating someone.
He's an actor.
Mark-Paul Gosselaar.
Get out! I know Mark-Paul! Well, that's 'cause he's super famous.
No, no, no, like, I-I-I know him.
We had this little thing back when I was modeling.
I mean, it was nothing serious, but, hey, congratulations.
Thank you.
He's gorgeous.
(WHISPERING) Gorgeous.
Mmm! You know what? We should all go out.
I can have Libby set it up.
That'd be good.
- So great.
- Yeah.
I'd invite Larry and his wife, but Larry looks like he should probably be in a mental hospital.
(HUGH) Larry, let go of the blanket! (LARRY) Gimme! He says he just needs a few seconds.
Oh, my God! (RACHEL GASPS) Larry! (SAM SCREAMS) (HUGH) Larry! God damn it! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Do you remember the early morning Ocean! I'm coming! (LARRY) Ocean, take me! Come at me now! Hugh, go back! Go back! - What are you doing? - I'm drowning myself! Do you want a drink? Yeah.
Come on! Get out of here! No! I want to kill myself! I want to kill you! - I want to be dead! - I want you to die! (RACHEL) I just feel bad for Larry.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, do do you want me to back out? My agent would be thrilled.
So how does everyone like their steaks? Medium, medium-well? Medium-rare is good for me.
Not medium-well? I'm good with medium-well.
Mark-Paul, you good with medium-well? I just like mine a little more on the rare side.
Uh-huh, okay.
So, speaking of beautiful women, I hear you used to date Hugh's girlfriend.
Who's his girlfriend? - Sam Hyland.
- Sam Hyland? Tall, blonde, model.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah.
Sam Hyland.
Uh, she, uh She She had weird elbows.
Oh, please.
- Her elbows were weird? - Yup.
That's her one flaw? Weird elbows? What's my one flaw? Everything? Just your insecurity.
I'm going to the store to get more steaks.
If you're too hungry to wait, they're in the garbage.
You need anything? Uh, maybe just, uh, if you have a pillow.
Ooh, uh, I don't.
That's fine.
It's fine.
Thank you for letting me stay here.
Oh, yeah.
Stay as long as you need.
And, you know, Hugh told me not to say anything, but if you wanna talk, just down the hall.
Open all night, right? I'm sleeping during the days now, so I really am around all night, so Thank you.
I'm sure I'll be fine.
There's more to life than starring in a sitcom.
No, I don't know anything about that.
I'm talking about this horrendous situation with you and your wife.
I still can't believe Hugh and I saw her out with this man at the bar the other night.
- What? - Yeah, I couldn't believe the way she was squeezed into that dress and and then to find out that that man that she was zazzing it up for is your children's pediatrician, I just uh, that's crazy.
Wait, Schnitman? Hey, did you not know? Oh, that's why he was telling me not to say anything.
Larry, uh, I'm sorry.
That's Look on the bright side, though.
He is a doctor, right? You can trust that he's gonna take extraordinary care of your estranged wife and children.
Larry? Huh? Oh, I'm sorry.
I took an opioid.
Where did you get an opioid? Oh, I gave him one.
Where did you get an opioid? Online.
You take opioids? Everyone does.
- I don't.
- Do you want one? No.
Am I being punished? Have I not been a good person, God? Look, do you even wanna be here? There can't be much to do today besides casting.
Hugh! Insensitive.
- I'm sorry, Larry.
- Yeah.
Maybe go back to Pat's, you know? - Relax.
- I can't go back to Pat's.
He just went to bed.
It's like living with a hamster.
He sleeps all day and he runs all night.
Well, I guess this is rock bottom.
Good thing about that? There's nowhere to go but up.
- Oh, my God.
- Ohh! My God! What? Mark-Paul Gosselaar got my part? Well Your Mark-Paul Gosselaar! Did you know about this? Uh Yeah, he did.
You knew.
I didn't know as long as you did.
That I He knew and didn't say anything.
But you knew! It's your thing that you're hiding and lying about! That's Is everybody in my life lying to me? I was gonna tell you, but I didn't wanna rub salt in your womb.
What? Womb? - What? - Did you say "womb"? Yes! It's salt in your "wound.
" - No, that's the whole point.
The womb is, like, the most sensitive part of your body, and then if I'm jamming salt up it, that's what you want? - No, it's not what I want.
- That's right.
(GROANING) Larry, they just wanted a name.
- They wanted anybody famous.
- Yeah! Like a good-looking guy! No one was gonna watch with you on it.
It's a shitty business that, if any of us had any brains, we would not be a part of it.
You know what? Maybe this is good news.
Now we're all the same.
We're all just writers again like we were on "The Fartlemans.
" I mean, I don't know how you guys did it.
I mean, if the roles were reversed and one of you were an actor in this and I was just a writer, I really think I'd kill myself.
There are my hot-shot writers.
Bang, bang, bang.
I got some good news.
Tell me you're ready.
- I am ready, yes.
- Okay.
It's an old picture, but here it is.
Oh, my God! What? (DAVE) I just got off the phone with CBS and they loved you at the table read.
Congratulations, you're the neighbor to Mark-Paul Gosselaar.
Your life's about to change.
Are we not even gonna go to dinner after this? No, he's doing some macrobiotic meal delivery service.
Jeez, my God.
And no alcohol? (GASPS) Hey! (ALL) Hey! I'm not in love with Walter Schnitman.
I just want to be appreciated.
I want to be noticed.
I want to be seen as more than the harried housewife in sweatpants! I just feel like I'm invisible to Larry, and all he cares about is his career and himself.
Larry? I just don't get it.
I created that show.
It's based on my life.
Hugh's not even an actor.
He hasn't acted since Groundlings.
I'm the actor! Me! I! I can't just accept this.
I can't just move on.
- What? Jen! - Don't follow me! But (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) She doesn't get it.
I know I don't give her enough attention, but that's not because of her, that's because of me.
I am the problem.
Who wants to be married to a man who has to live with his in-laws? Nobody.
I want her to be proud of me.
I want her to be able to say to her friends, "That's my husband, Larry Dorf, star of a CBS sitcom.
" I want to be able to say, "I'm Larry Dorf, star of a CBS sitcom.
" Or Fox or, you know, NBC, one of the big ones.
You know what I mean? I'm sorry, what? I wasn't paying attention.
Why don't you start over? (MARK-PAUL) I know this isn't champagne, but this is a celebration, right? So, to "Open Dorf Policy" for bringing us all together.
(CONTAINER HISSES) To old friends.
(CHUCKLES) Thanks.
Oh.
New friends.
Uh, thank you.
And friends with benefits.
Mmm, you're so hot.
So hot.
God damn! (HUGH) Okay, all right, yeah.
(MARK-PAUL) Okay, come on, Hugh.
Show me what you got.
Yeah.
Oh! Oh! - Out! - Why do I keep doing that? It's just your racket.
The face is a little too open.
Remember, you wanna you wanna get low to high.
I didn't know people really did that.
Uh, could we just have balls? 'Cause it's our serve.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
- Oh, sorry.
- (SAM) And we're winning.
And, um, I don't know if this will help, but, uh, Mark-Paul taught me a little saying.
Ah.
Um Uh, what is it? - Control and restraint.
- Okay.
Uh, control and restraint, and hit the ball to where the other guy ain't.
(CHUCKLING) Oh that is so clever.
Honey, they're so cute together.
- Uh - Aren't they? Yeah, yeah.
(MARK-PAUL) All right, Hugh, go easy on me.
Yeah.
Ah, net! (HUGH GRUNTS) Double fault! God damn it.
Love-15.
You know what? It's okay.
Yeah, yeah, it's okay.
- Okay.
- Of course they're okay.
Fault! (HUGH GRUNTS) - Whoo! - Double fault.
(GROANS) Ooh! Do you want me to get another can of balls? I got a ball.
I got a ball.
Let's just go! (MARK-PAUL) Hugh, just breathe, man.
Just breathe.
We're having fun.
Control and restraint.
No shame.
If you need to, just lob it over.
You know, just, like, underhand.
Be great if everyone quit helping me.
God! Damn it! Baby, breathe.
Yup, yup.
It's just a game.
Yup.
Relax.
It's all good.
Just a game.
It's love-40.
It's all good.
We're all out here having fun.
And soon, we're all gonna sit down to a, uh, a microbiotic salad! "Macrobiotic.
" What? "Macro," you said "micro.
" - And there's a difference? - Yeah, yeah.
Macrobiotic is like a philosophy, and microbiotic is where you restrict calories.
It's essentially for people who want weight loss.
But, you know, like, macrobiotic, it's all about giving foods a value of yin and yang.
Yin and yang, it's all about the yin and yang.
And what is that score again? (BOTH WOMEN) Love-40! Yes, love-40! Who could forget love-40? Ow! Ah! Jesus! Could be the alcohol.
I mean He drinks a lot.
Yeah, hold it on there.
I'm fine, really.
I'm fine.
(SIGHS) It's cold.
I have never done that before.
What, hit your girlfriend? I should hope not.
Yes, uh, but also double fault an entire service game.
Are you bothered that I dated Mark-Paul? (CHUCKLING) No.
Are you bothered that I dated Lizzie Martinez in the sixth grade? Depends.
Was she pretty? Oh, very pretty and smart.
She was the smartest kid in the whole sixth grade.
I don't know.
I think someone's a little bit jealous.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- I'm not jealous.
- You are jealous.
I don't care who Rachel goes out with.
I meant, are you jealous of me? Sam! Sam! (DOOR CLOSES) So 9s are limited wild.
You can play any 9 on any card as long as you name the suit, but it's gotta be the same color as the previous suit.
It can't be the same color as the 9 or even the card before that.
Got it? So you really don't have TV or the Internet? Uh, you know, Hugh kept me kind of tied to the temporal world.
Once he left, I was just like (SIGHS) You know what I mean? Not at all.
Hey.
Any rooms left at the inn? Oh, man, did you and Sam have a fight or something? Not a fight.
One party simply told the other party, "Sleep elsewhere.
" Ahh, so I guess we are the same.
Yeah, I stopped at a liquor store on the way here.
I thought we could drown our sorrows.
Pat, I assume you have sorrows to drown.
You assume correctly.
Uh, Larry, you will always be the star of the CBS sitcom in my heart.
(CHUCKLES) And to Pat for providing this wonderful shelter.
And seriously, Larry, if, uh you want me to not take the part of the neighbor, just say so.
Okay, that'd be great.
No, take the part.
It's fine.
Have sex with my wife.
What do I care? Nobody likes me.
Having more Scotch.
I'm gonna go put this in my room.
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup! That's actually my room now.
Maybe the couch or or you can sleep in Pat's bed.
(PAT) It is open all night, but I need it by about noon.