Noel Fielding's Luxury Comedy (2012) s02e05 Episode Script
Tales From Painted Hawaii: Joey and the Whale
1 # Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! # Ha! It's luxury # Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! # Here it comes, here it comes # Here it comes again, yeah! # It's luxury # Here it comes, here it comes Here it comes again, yeah # La la la-la-la-la-la-la! # La la la-la-la-la! # La la la-la-la-la-la-la! La la la-la-la-la! Hi.
Welcome to the show.
It's the last episode in the series so I thought, as a treat, we could all bring games in.
You know, like the last day of school.
Look, Noel.
I have brought in this Piet Mondrian Rubik's Cube.
Wow.
That's amazing.
And this limited edition Damien Hirst Twister mat, which, ironically, is exactly the same as a normal Twister mat.
It's gonna be brilliant.
There's gonna be a real party vibe.
You know, jelly and ice cream, a celebration.
Noel, it's for you.
It's the head of the television channel, Greg somebody-or-other.
Greg somebody-or-other? Hello? Right.
No, yeah, yeah, I understand, yeah.
No, yeah, yeah.
OK, cool.
Yeah.
No, thanks for ringing.
What did he say? Show's been cancelled.
Why? I don't know.
Something about the ratings not being good enough.
What are the ratings? Nine.
Nine? Yeah, nine.
Apparently, "nine" is not enough in the modern climate.
"Oh, you've only got nine.
We're taking you off air.
" But, Noel, what will we do? All right, don't panic yet, Andy.
Apparently, if we can boost the ratings from 9 to 25, he might reconsider.
Those are big numbers.
I know.
Apparently, every show comes with a ratings thermometer.
Has anyone seen one of those? Ah, yes, we are using ours to prop open the toilet door.
I will go and retrieve it and wipe off the piss.
Noel, what does it mean when a show gets axed? Is it just it's cancelled or is it does it mean that, you know, two muscular guys with axes all sort of greased up come in and just smash the show to bits? Cos, you know, if it means that, it might be worth sticking around.
You know, it sounds hot.
I don't even understand how we're actually friends.
Noel, I have found the thermometer, and, look, it appears we do have nine ratings.
Yeah, we've got nine.
It's the truth.
It's Danny Bullet.
Oh, that's my American agent.
He's out of his mind.
Hello? Ah, Noel! It's Bullet! How are you? How are your parents? Yeah? Shut up! Shut up! 'I just got the news!' Yeah, it's pretty bad.
'No shit, shit-head!' How the hell could you let this happen? I don't know.
'You don't know?' Haven't you got a ratings thermometer? We have, but it's propping open the toilet door.
'You're an idiot!' You Brits have no organisational skills! You don't take anything seriously.
OK, look, just calm down a little bit.
'Calm down?' Don't tell me to calm down, Noel! I've been in this business for nearly three years.
I've seen it all.
We've got a situation here, a big situation.
You lose this show, I lose my commission.
'And you've got nothing else coming in.
You're not prolific.
' I'm gonna have to let you go! And I can't afford to lose another client, Noel! Who have you got these days? 'All I got is you, ' Wile E Coyote, and Didier Drogba.
What happened to Pac-Man? 'He's gone!' He left me.
He went to Super Mario's agent.
Are you still going to anger management? No.
I-I'm on a new thing now.
Iron-mask therapy.
Iron-mask therapy? What's that? 'It's all the rage in LA.
' When you feel yourself getting the rage, you put on the mask, you reach down for the small ornate hammer, and then you just let yourself have it.
Ring the bell! Yeah, have you finished? Yeah, I'm OK now.
Right, good.
Look, it's not over yet, OK? If we can boost the ratings from 9 to 25, we might still save the show.
All right.
Well, you do what you can, all right? 'I gotta go.
' Oh, and Noel? Yeah? Fix it! Hmm.
How does one go about boosting the ratings? Anyone got any ideas? Ooh, I have an idea, Noel.
What if we all phone everyone we know and politely ask them if they will watch the show? Is that it? Yes.
Well, we haven't got anything else.
We might as well give it a go.
That is great.
I've actually had some success.
My nan and her best mate, Olive, are gonna watch the show.
They've just got back from bingo and they're shit-faced.
Dolly? Well, no-one uses phones any more so, I just put a message up on Sprechdeck.
Right, so what was the response? Well, so far, Olive says she's gonna watch the show.
Wait a minute.
Is your friend Olive the same person as my nan's friend Olive? Oh, yeah, I think so.
Noel! I've got it! Sex! It's a sure-fire way to boost the ratings! I'm gonna perform a pornographic scene for you right now to save the show! Cue sexy music! Hi! I've come to fix the washing machine! Maybe you can fix me after.
What? Er right, then.
Er I'll take a look at it, shall I? Why don't you take a look at these first? Help! No! Erm, couldn't do it.
Too soon.
Only been five years since Mrs Circles died.
Made a right fucking show of myself.
Don't worry, you'll still get paid.
An all-time low for Uncle Roy.
Well, it was a gallant attempt.
What about a wedding? What? If two characters from a show get married, the ratings go through the roof.
That's not a bad idea.
Dolly, me and you could get married.
Out of the question.
I would never marry you.
What, not even to save the show? Not even to save the show.
Why? Well, it's it's just not how I picture my wedding day, you know? How do you picture your wedding day? OK, so I'm standing there in this amazing dress, sort of rock 'n' roll, kind of traditional, maybe shorts, and suddenly the doors of the church are smashed open and there's these two guys, you know, all greased up, both holding axes.
They've just come from smashing a show to pieces.
It's so hot.
Yeah, sounds adorable.
Excuse me for a moment while I get this call.
Hello? What's that, Joey? You've noticed that a lot of the religious American channels get the big ratings? Right.
So, you wanna do one of your Plasticine adventures but give it a biblical twist? Certainly worth a try.
All right, Joey, thanks a lot.
Bye-bye, darling.
Poor Joey Ramone loping down the high road.
Oh, look, Joey! It's Iggy Pop, punk rock's answer to God, floating on a wee cloud.
What's that, Iggy? You want Joey to travel the world and spread the gospel of punk? What's that, Joey? You're not doing that? It's your day off and you're going to Coney Island on a boat trip instead? Oh, look, Joey, it's Captain Birdbrain, here to welcome you aboard his vessel and offer you some freshly caught fish.
What's that, Joey? You do like fish, but prefer it in more manageable chunks, like squares or fingers? What's that, Captain Birdbrain? Fishfingers is a wonderful idea, you're definitely going to explore that when you get a wee moment? Oh, dear, Iggy! You feel that Joey may not be taking his role as punk ambassador seriously, and it may be time to teach him a wee lesson? Oh, no, Joey! Iggy's causing a storm of the air from his whoopee cushion.
He's going to sink the boat, like the real God did to Jonah in the Bible, which is what this story is pastiching.
Joey, you'd better tell the Captain it's all your fault and ask him to jettison you overboard, otherwise the boat will sink.
Oh, dear, Joey! It looks as though you can't swim on account of having no arms.
But what's this? It's a punk-rock leather whale, about to swallow you whole.
It's a miracle, Joey.
You've been saved from a watery grave.
You see, God didn't want to kill you.
He was just trying to teach you a wee lesson.
Oh, Joey Ramone.
Oh, Iggy Pop.
Oh, Captain Birdbrain in his new Rolls-Royce.
What's that, Captain? "Thanks for the fishfinger idea, "I'm fucking loaded now"? It's a funny old world.
Looks like rain.
Oh, no, they're fishfingers.
I guess religion's just not as big as it used to be.
Yeah, it has gone out a little bit.
Psst, Noel.
What? I have stolen some ratings from another TV show.
No way! What show? The snooker.
Snooker? Amazing.
They get huge ratings.
How many did you get? Two? Hmm.
I did have more, but there seems to be a hole in the bottom of my rucksack.
Wait a minute.
That's my nan and her mate Olive.
They're supposed to be watching our show.
Must have switched over to the snooker.
Great, we're back to where we started.
Damn it.
Hello? Yeah, it's me, Bullet.
What's happening with the ratings? Yeah, we're still on nine.
'Jesus Christ, man!' It's almost the end of the first half! 'I know.
' Can you just calm down a little bit, do you think? 'Let me explain something to you, you walking haircut!' In fact, you know what? Put me on speakerphone.
The others need to hear this as well.
OK, you're on speakerphone now.
'Ah, hello, morons.
' Let me ask you a question.
What do you think happens to characters from shows that get axed and no longer exist? See, there's two types of characters.
Firstly, there are characters from successful shows.
Columbo, Captain Kirk, Magnum, and The Littlest Hobo.
These characters are sent to a five-star resort, where they see out their days sipping cocktails, treated like royalty.
Sounds cool.
'Then there are characters from less successful shows.
' Ha-ha! Hey! That's you guys.
Now, you know what happens to these characters? Get taken to a Travelodge? They get put in storage.
Right, that doesn't sound too bad.
And then they get incinerated! .
.
to make space for other characters from other unsuccessful shows, and it goes on, and on, and on, and that's how television works! Oh, great! OK, Mr O'Sullivan, let me get this straight.
This is very amusing.
You claim you were playing snooker on television when a guy matching the description of the pop artist Andy Warhol waltzed into the studio, helping himself to some of your ratings.
You then say you followed him all the way back here to Painted Hawaii, where you claim he now resides, working in a coffee shop, wiping down the surfaces and serving the public hot cappuccinos.
Yeah, I I suppose, when you when you put it like that, it does sound a bit far-fetched, don't it? Get out, O'Sullivan! Get out! I've had enough of this sort of stuff from you snooker players! I'm gonna give you a warning for wasting police time, but next time it'll be the electric chair, OK? And send in Alain Robidoux! He's been using the Mayor's parking space again! As for Willie Thorne, we know he's Banksy.
We do know he's Banksy! Hello? 'Hey, it's Bullet.
' Yeah, I'm on a plane.
I'm coming over.
Really? 'Yeah.
' Didier Drogba lent me his private jet.
Listen, Noel.
I'm bringing someone with me, someone who can save the show.
Wow.
Who? I can't tell you.
It's a surprise.
But don't worry about it.
'I'm taking care of everything.
' Yeah, but the thing What are you wearing? It's for our wedding.
Our wedding? Yeah, we're getting married.
We're not getting married.
You turned me down.
Yeah, but, you know, that was before.
Before what? Before you realised you were gonna get incinerated? No, but, you know, Noel, I've been thinking and I I feel like we could be a great couple.
You know, like Rudi Voller and Jurgen Klinsmann? What about the big, greased-up, rock men with axes? That was just a fantasy.
No, I wanna marry you, Noel.
I just feel like the bonds of trust have been broken a bit now.
Well, the bonds of trust were broken quite a long time ago, Noel.
What's that supposed to mean? Well, you know, when we were going out, and you kept asking me to do that thing.
Yeah, can we not talk about this now? Yep.
OK.
What are you guys up to? We are writing an Australian soap opera.
They get massive ratings.
Great idea.
How's it going? Mm, we are still fleshing out the main characters.
Hello? All right, Noel? I heard yous was getting incinerated.
Hur-hur ha-ha-ha! Yeah.
All the characters are, actually, including you.
Sorry about that.
Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.
Really? Well, you know the guys who's coming down to collect everyone for incineration? Yeah? Well, they work for me.
Really? 'Yeah.
That's why I wanted to talk to you, Noel,' cos you've been quite a good tenant to me over the years, so I wanted to do you a little favour.
Right.
'You see, the thing is,' I might be able to get you out of this.
There's a loophole.
A loophole? 'Well, technically, you ain't a character cos you play yourself.
' That's the crux of the loophole right there.
Right.
'Yeah, so I could get you out of it.
' That's a kind offer, but, you know, what about the other characters? I can't leave them here to be incinerated.
How would I ever live with myself? Well, that's your own therapeutics.
I don't give a shit about that.
Basically, you ain't got long to make a decision cos the removal men'll be there soon.
All right, cheers, Peter.
Batty crease.
All right, Tony? No, I'm not all right, actually.
There's a rather nasty rumour flying around that all the characters are going to be put in storage and then incinerated.
Yeah, that's true, I'm afraid.
Sorry about that.
Great.
I told you, Tone.
Yeah, look, I've got a bit of a dilemma, actually.
Technically, I don't play a character, I play myself, so I could get out of this.
But, you know, I feel bad for everyone else.
I mean, you guys are like family to me.
I just don't know what to do.
Well, Noel, you've got a very big decision to make.
Basically, you've got to choose between freedom and your friends.
I think we both know what the right decision to make is.
Yeah, you're right.
I mean, course I should go.
You can get friends anywhere, can't you? Ha-ha! Right, guys, see you later.
That's not what I meant at all.
Let him go, Tone.
The guy's a piece of shit.
What a great idea! Bringing back a dead character, it's genius.
It's like when they brought back Bobby in Dallas.
Ratings went through the roof.
And you died in the first series, right? So, no-one's expecting you to come back.
It's all bleedin' coming together, innit? All bleedin' coming together! I love that.
All bleedin' coming together.
Hey, listen to me.
After we save the show, you sign to me, yeah? I'll put you in the motion pictures.
Motion pictures? Give you anything you want.
Can I have some more peanuts? I'll get you anything you want.
Hey! Stewardess! How about some more peanuts over here? This guy's a star! Sir, he's already had 14 packets.
14 packets! Who are you? The peanut patrol? Make it 15! Dry-roasted.
And tell that pilot to hurry his ass up! I'm sure he's going as fast as he can, sir.
Yeah? Well, tell him to go faster! We got a ratings situation over in Painted Hawaii.
Oh, look, the peanuts.
Oh! Look at John! Hello, John! Get right down there with Gordon and Steven.
Oh, John, he's had a fall.
Where are we going? We're gonna save the show.
We're all en-sort-of-capsulated in a sort of onyx casket, travelling through the air molecules.
What do you think that means? In the house, in the mouth.
In the house, in the mouth.
All bleedin' coming together, innit? You're a goddamn star.
What's this? It's It's from Noel.
"Dear guys, due to a loophole, I've managed to avoid incineration.
"Unfortunately, I can't take you with me, "so you're all still gonna die.
" "No hard feelings.
Noel.
" With a stupid little picture.
I cannot believe Noel would betray us like that.
I can't believe we are still gonna be incinerated.
We are actually gonna die! Maybe we have one last chance.
Our Australian soap opera.
Bammo! Mum, can I go surfing? No, you can't go surfing.
You haven't finished your homework.
In fact, you haven't done your homework for three months! Do you think your HSC's a joke? No.
I don't think it's a joke.
I just wanna go surfing.
And you, young Sean, turn the bloody telly off! You're gonna get square eyes! Oh, Mum! Dad lets me watch telly whenever I like.
Yeah, well, Dad's not here, is he? He's flaming left us, the mongrel! Just one sign of trouble and he's gone! It's your fault Dad left us in the first place.
Who has been putting such stupid ideas into your head? Brad.
Bradley? Would you like to explain yourself? Well, Mum, if you'd have married Dad when he firstly asked you, first off, firstly, then maybe he wouldn't have run off.
You know what, guyses, it's a lot more complicated than you realise and when you two grow up, I think you'll understand that.
Mum, it's Dad.
Bloody ute broke down again.
Henry, you came back.
Of course I came back, Peggy.
I couldn't leave you and the boys.
Plus, as I said, bloody ute broke down.
Ha-ha! Dad, can I go surfing? Course you can.
Yes! Can I watch TV? Get stuck in, young Seano.
Henry There she is, Peggy.
Still as beautiful as the day I met you.
Well, almost.
Great to see you, Dad.
Great to see you lot.
You're my family and I love you.
OK, what's for dinner? I knew you'd come back, Noel.
I couldn't do it.
I couldn't leave you guys.
You're like a family to me, you know.
Great soap opera, though.
Right, we're here to smash the show up, but, before we do that, we're gonna pick some characters up for storage.
Come on, man! This is taking for ever! Right, I'm gonna have to ask you to return to your seat cos you're not actually allowed in the cockpit.
What does this button do? Please don't touch that! Christ! And can you ask the lion to get out of here cos he's dropping peanuts into the navigational system! Come on, man! Let me drive for a bit! We're all travelling in the air pockets! Tablets! In you go.
Oh, my God! That plane is gonna crash into the island! I think that's my agent.
That's Didier Drogba's plane, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.
My agent looks after Didier Drogba, borrows his plane.
Yeah.
I've been on it, actually.
Not when it's flying.
But, you know, I've sat in it, in the main chair.
Pretty good.
Looks like we're the only survivors.
Maybe we SHOULD get married.
We could always kiss, you know, for old times' sake.
Could do.
Go out on a high.
Or if you really wanna go out on a high .
.
I could do that thing you always wanted.
Wow.
Really? Might be easier in water.
All right, I'll close my eyes.
Oh, my God.
Don't worry about that.
It's just a birthmark.
Work round it.
Some people say it looks like Harrison Ford.
No, it's Joey Ramone! No, it's definitely Harrison Ford.
I saw it with a couple of mirrors.
I can't believe you all survived.
I thought everyone was dead.
Not only that, we smashed the ratings.
Turns out everyone loves a disaster.
Thus, I can confirm that the show hasn't been cancelled.
Aren't you Pinocchio? No.
I'm Greg somebody-or-other.
I work at the TV channel.
It's all bleedin' coming together, innit? Two, three, four! # It's all bleedin' coming together! # It seems it's gonna be all right # And we'll be holding hands and singing for ever! # And we'll be dancing till the morning light! # People of the world, come with me Flying through the sky # People of the world, come with me Flying through the sky Through the sky! # People of the world, come with me Flying through the sky People of the world Come on, everyone! All together now! # Two! Three! Four! # It's all bleedin' coming together! It seems it's gonna be all right Of course it is! And we'll be holding hands and singing for ever Holding hands! And we'll be dancing till the morning light! Ha-ha! I told you, it's all bleedin' coming together, innit? And so they all lived happily ever after inside the belly of a whale.
Ye-e-e-s.
Or did they? Well, whether they did or they didn't, can you two just get out of my bath? My wife's gonna be back in a minute! Plus I don't even know who the hell you are! Get out!
Welcome to the show.
It's the last episode in the series so I thought, as a treat, we could all bring games in.
You know, like the last day of school.
Look, Noel.
I have brought in this Piet Mondrian Rubik's Cube.
Wow.
That's amazing.
And this limited edition Damien Hirst Twister mat, which, ironically, is exactly the same as a normal Twister mat.
It's gonna be brilliant.
There's gonna be a real party vibe.
You know, jelly and ice cream, a celebration.
Noel, it's for you.
It's the head of the television channel, Greg somebody-or-other.
Greg somebody-or-other? Hello? Right.
No, yeah, yeah, I understand, yeah.
No, yeah, yeah.
OK, cool.
Yeah.
No, thanks for ringing.
What did he say? Show's been cancelled.
Why? I don't know.
Something about the ratings not being good enough.
What are the ratings? Nine.
Nine? Yeah, nine.
Apparently, "nine" is not enough in the modern climate.
"Oh, you've only got nine.
We're taking you off air.
" But, Noel, what will we do? All right, don't panic yet, Andy.
Apparently, if we can boost the ratings from 9 to 25, he might reconsider.
Those are big numbers.
I know.
Apparently, every show comes with a ratings thermometer.
Has anyone seen one of those? Ah, yes, we are using ours to prop open the toilet door.
I will go and retrieve it and wipe off the piss.
Noel, what does it mean when a show gets axed? Is it just it's cancelled or is it does it mean that, you know, two muscular guys with axes all sort of greased up come in and just smash the show to bits? Cos, you know, if it means that, it might be worth sticking around.
You know, it sounds hot.
I don't even understand how we're actually friends.
Noel, I have found the thermometer, and, look, it appears we do have nine ratings.
Yeah, we've got nine.
It's the truth.
It's Danny Bullet.
Oh, that's my American agent.
He's out of his mind.
Hello? Ah, Noel! It's Bullet! How are you? How are your parents? Yeah? Shut up! Shut up! 'I just got the news!' Yeah, it's pretty bad.
'No shit, shit-head!' How the hell could you let this happen? I don't know.
'You don't know?' Haven't you got a ratings thermometer? We have, but it's propping open the toilet door.
'You're an idiot!' You Brits have no organisational skills! You don't take anything seriously.
OK, look, just calm down a little bit.
'Calm down?' Don't tell me to calm down, Noel! I've been in this business for nearly three years.
I've seen it all.
We've got a situation here, a big situation.
You lose this show, I lose my commission.
'And you've got nothing else coming in.
You're not prolific.
' I'm gonna have to let you go! And I can't afford to lose another client, Noel! Who have you got these days? 'All I got is you, ' Wile E Coyote, and Didier Drogba.
What happened to Pac-Man? 'He's gone!' He left me.
He went to Super Mario's agent.
Are you still going to anger management? No.
I-I'm on a new thing now.
Iron-mask therapy.
Iron-mask therapy? What's that? 'It's all the rage in LA.
' When you feel yourself getting the rage, you put on the mask, you reach down for the small ornate hammer, and then you just let yourself have it.
Ring the bell! Yeah, have you finished? Yeah, I'm OK now.
Right, good.
Look, it's not over yet, OK? If we can boost the ratings from 9 to 25, we might still save the show.
All right.
Well, you do what you can, all right? 'I gotta go.
' Oh, and Noel? Yeah? Fix it! Hmm.
How does one go about boosting the ratings? Anyone got any ideas? Ooh, I have an idea, Noel.
What if we all phone everyone we know and politely ask them if they will watch the show? Is that it? Yes.
Well, we haven't got anything else.
We might as well give it a go.
That is great.
I've actually had some success.
My nan and her best mate, Olive, are gonna watch the show.
They've just got back from bingo and they're shit-faced.
Dolly? Well, no-one uses phones any more so, I just put a message up on Sprechdeck.
Right, so what was the response? Well, so far, Olive says she's gonna watch the show.
Wait a minute.
Is your friend Olive the same person as my nan's friend Olive? Oh, yeah, I think so.
Noel! I've got it! Sex! It's a sure-fire way to boost the ratings! I'm gonna perform a pornographic scene for you right now to save the show! Cue sexy music! Hi! I've come to fix the washing machine! Maybe you can fix me after.
What? Er right, then.
Er I'll take a look at it, shall I? Why don't you take a look at these first? Help! No! Erm, couldn't do it.
Too soon.
Only been five years since Mrs Circles died.
Made a right fucking show of myself.
Don't worry, you'll still get paid.
An all-time low for Uncle Roy.
Well, it was a gallant attempt.
What about a wedding? What? If two characters from a show get married, the ratings go through the roof.
That's not a bad idea.
Dolly, me and you could get married.
Out of the question.
I would never marry you.
What, not even to save the show? Not even to save the show.
Why? Well, it's it's just not how I picture my wedding day, you know? How do you picture your wedding day? OK, so I'm standing there in this amazing dress, sort of rock 'n' roll, kind of traditional, maybe shorts, and suddenly the doors of the church are smashed open and there's these two guys, you know, all greased up, both holding axes.
They've just come from smashing a show to pieces.
It's so hot.
Yeah, sounds adorable.
Excuse me for a moment while I get this call.
Hello? What's that, Joey? You've noticed that a lot of the religious American channels get the big ratings? Right.
So, you wanna do one of your Plasticine adventures but give it a biblical twist? Certainly worth a try.
All right, Joey, thanks a lot.
Bye-bye, darling.
Poor Joey Ramone loping down the high road.
Oh, look, Joey! It's Iggy Pop, punk rock's answer to God, floating on a wee cloud.
What's that, Iggy? You want Joey to travel the world and spread the gospel of punk? What's that, Joey? You're not doing that? It's your day off and you're going to Coney Island on a boat trip instead? Oh, look, Joey, it's Captain Birdbrain, here to welcome you aboard his vessel and offer you some freshly caught fish.
What's that, Joey? You do like fish, but prefer it in more manageable chunks, like squares or fingers? What's that, Captain Birdbrain? Fishfingers is a wonderful idea, you're definitely going to explore that when you get a wee moment? Oh, dear, Iggy! You feel that Joey may not be taking his role as punk ambassador seriously, and it may be time to teach him a wee lesson? Oh, no, Joey! Iggy's causing a storm of the air from his whoopee cushion.
He's going to sink the boat, like the real God did to Jonah in the Bible, which is what this story is pastiching.
Joey, you'd better tell the Captain it's all your fault and ask him to jettison you overboard, otherwise the boat will sink.
Oh, dear, Joey! It looks as though you can't swim on account of having no arms.
But what's this? It's a punk-rock leather whale, about to swallow you whole.
It's a miracle, Joey.
You've been saved from a watery grave.
You see, God didn't want to kill you.
He was just trying to teach you a wee lesson.
Oh, Joey Ramone.
Oh, Iggy Pop.
Oh, Captain Birdbrain in his new Rolls-Royce.
What's that, Captain? "Thanks for the fishfinger idea, "I'm fucking loaded now"? It's a funny old world.
Looks like rain.
Oh, no, they're fishfingers.
I guess religion's just not as big as it used to be.
Yeah, it has gone out a little bit.
Psst, Noel.
What? I have stolen some ratings from another TV show.
No way! What show? The snooker.
Snooker? Amazing.
They get huge ratings.
How many did you get? Two? Hmm.
I did have more, but there seems to be a hole in the bottom of my rucksack.
Wait a minute.
That's my nan and her mate Olive.
They're supposed to be watching our show.
Must have switched over to the snooker.
Great, we're back to where we started.
Damn it.
Hello? Yeah, it's me, Bullet.
What's happening with the ratings? Yeah, we're still on nine.
'Jesus Christ, man!' It's almost the end of the first half! 'I know.
' Can you just calm down a little bit, do you think? 'Let me explain something to you, you walking haircut!' In fact, you know what? Put me on speakerphone.
The others need to hear this as well.
OK, you're on speakerphone now.
'Ah, hello, morons.
' Let me ask you a question.
What do you think happens to characters from shows that get axed and no longer exist? See, there's two types of characters.
Firstly, there are characters from successful shows.
Columbo, Captain Kirk, Magnum, and The Littlest Hobo.
These characters are sent to a five-star resort, where they see out their days sipping cocktails, treated like royalty.
Sounds cool.
'Then there are characters from less successful shows.
' Ha-ha! Hey! That's you guys.
Now, you know what happens to these characters? Get taken to a Travelodge? They get put in storage.
Right, that doesn't sound too bad.
And then they get incinerated! .
.
to make space for other characters from other unsuccessful shows, and it goes on, and on, and on, and that's how television works! Oh, great! OK, Mr O'Sullivan, let me get this straight.
This is very amusing.
You claim you were playing snooker on television when a guy matching the description of the pop artist Andy Warhol waltzed into the studio, helping himself to some of your ratings.
You then say you followed him all the way back here to Painted Hawaii, where you claim he now resides, working in a coffee shop, wiping down the surfaces and serving the public hot cappuccinos.
Yeah, I I suppose, when you when you put it like that, it does sound a bit far-fetched, don't it? Get out, O'Sullivan! Get out! I've had enough of this sort of stuff from you snooker players! I'm gonna give you a warning for wasting police time, but next time it'll be the electric chair, OK? And send in Alain Robidoux! He's been using the Mayor's parking space again! As for Willie Thorne, we know he's Banksy.
We do know he's Banksy! Hello? 'Hey, it's Bullet.
' Yeah, I'm on a plane.
I'm coming over.
Really? 'Yeah.
' Didier Drogba lent me his private jet.
Listen, Noel.
I'm bringing someone with me, someone who can save the show.
Wow.
Who? I can't tell you.
It's a surprise.
But don't worry about it.
'I'm taking care of everything.
' Yeah, but the thing What are you wearing? It's for our wedding.
Our wedding? Yeah, we're getting married.
We're not getting married.
You turned me down.
Yeah, but, you know, that was before.
Before what? Before you realised you were gonna get incinerated? No, but, you know, Noel, I've been thinking and I I feel like we could be a great couple.
You know, like Rudi Voller and Jurgen Klinsmann? What about the big, greased-up, rock men with axes? That was just a fantasy.
No, I wanna marry you, Noel.
I just feel like the bonds of trust have been broken a bit now.
Well, the bonds of trust were broken quite a long time ago, Noel.
What's that supposed to mean? Well, you know, when we were going out, and you kept asking me to do that thing.
Yeah, can we not talk about this now? Yep.
OK.
What are you guys up to? We are writing an Australian soap opera.
They get massive ratings.
Great idea.
How's it going? Mm, we are still fleshing out the main characters.
Hello? All right, Noel? I heard yous was getting incinerated.
Hur-hur ha-ha-ha! Yeah.
All the characters are, actually, including you.
Sorry about that.
Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.
Really? Well, you know the guys who's coming down to collect everyone for incineration? Yeah? Well, they work for me.
Really? 'Yeah.
That's why I wanted to talk to you, Noel,' cos you've been quite a good tenant to me over the years, so I wanted to do you a little favour.
Right.
'You see, the thing is,' I might be able to get you out of this.
There's a loophole.
A loophole? 'Well, technically, you ain't a character cos you play yourself.
' That's the crux of the loophole right there.
Right.
'Yeah, so I could get you out of it.
' That's a kind offer, but, you know, what about the other characters? I can't leave them here to be incinerated.
How would I ever live with myself? Well, that's your own therapeutics.
I don't give a shit about that.
Basically, you ain't got long to make a decision cos the removal men'll be there soon.
All right, cheers, Peter.
Batty crease.
All right, Tony? No, I'm not all right, actually.
There's a rather nasty rumour flying around that all the characters are going to be put in storage and then incinerated.
Yeah, that's true, I'm afraid.
Sorry about that.
Great.
I told you, Tone.
Yeah, look, I've got a bit of a dilemma, actually.
Technically, I don't play a character, I play myself, so I could get out of this.
But, you know, I feel bad for everyone else.
I mean, you guys are like family to me.
I just don't know what to do.
Well, Noel, you've got a very big decision to make.
Basically, you've got to choose between freedom and your friends.
I think we both know what the right decision to make is.
Yeah, you're right.
I mean, course I should go.
You can get friends anywhere, can't you? Ha-ha! Right, guys, see you later.
That's not what I meant at all.
Let him go, Tone.
The guy's a piece of shit.
What a great idea! Bringing back a dead character, it's genius.
It's like when they brought back Bobby in Dallas.
Ratings went through the roof.
And you died in the first series, right? So, no-one's expecting you to come back.
It's all bleedin' coming together, innit? All bleedin' coming together! I love that.
All bleedin' coming together.
Hey, listen to me.
After we save the show, you sign to me, yeah? I'll put you in the motion pictures.
Motion pictures? Give you anything you want.
Can I have some more peanuts? I'll get you anything you want.
Hey! Stewardess! How about some more peanuts over here? This guy's a star! Sir, he's already had 14 packets.
14 packets! Who are you? The peanut patrol? Make it 15! Dry-roasted.
And tell that pilot to hurry his ass up! I'm sure he's going as fast as he can, sir.
Yeah? Well, tell him to go faster! We got a ratings situation over in Painted Hawaii.
Oh, look, the peanuts.
Oh! Look at John! Hello, John! Get right down there with Gordon and Steven.
Oh, John, he's had a fall.
Where are we going? We're gonna save the show.
We're all en-sort-of-capsulated in a sort of onyx casket, travelling through the air molecules.
What do you think that means? In the house, in the mouth.
In the house, in the mouth.
All bleedin' coming together, innit? You're a goddamn star.
What's this? It's It's from Noel.
"Dear guys, due to a loophole, I've managed to avoid incineration.
"Unfortunately, I can't take you with me, "so you're all still gonna die.
" "No hard feelings.
Noel.
" With a stupid little picture.
I cannot believe Noel would betray us like that.
I can't believe we are still gonna be incinerated.
We are actually gonna die! Maybe we have one last chance.
Our Australian soap opera.
Bammo! Mum, can I go surfing? No, you can't go surfing.
You haven't finished your homework.
In fact, you haven't done your homework for three months! Do you think your HSC's a joke? No.
I don't think it's a joke.
I just wanna go surfing.
And you, young Sean, turn the bloody telly off! You're gonna get square eyes! Oh, Mum! Dad lets me watch telly whenever I like.
Yeah, well, Dad's not here, is he? He's flaming left us, the mongrel! Just one sign of trouble and he's gone! It's your fault Dad left us in the first place.
Who has been putting such stupid ideas into your head? Brad.
Bradley? Would you like to explain yourself? Well, Mum, if you'd have married Dad when he firstly asked you, first off, firstly, then maybe he wouldn't have run off.
You know what, guyses, it's a lot more complicated than you realise and when you two grow up, I think you'll understand that.
Mum, it's Dad.
Bloody ute broke down again.
Henry, you came back.
Of course I came back, Peggy.
I couldn't leave you and the boys.
Plus, as I said, bloody ute broke down.
Ha-ha! Dad, can I go surfing? Course you can.
Yes! Can I watch TV? Get stuck in, young Seano.
Henry There she is, Peggy.
Still as beautiful as the day I met you.
Well, almost.
Great to see you, Dad.
Great to see you lot.
You're my family and I love you.
OK, what's for dinner? I knew you'd come back, Noel.
I couldn't do it.
I couldn't leave you guys.
You're like a family to me, you know.
Great soap opera, though.
Right, we're here to smash the show up, but, before we do that, we're gonna pick some characters up for storage.
Come on, man! This is taking for ever! Right, I'm gonna have to ask you to return to your seat cos you're not actually allowed in the cockpit.
What does this button do? Please don't touch that! Christ! And can you ask the lion to get out of here cos he's dropping peanuts into the navigational system! Come on, man! Let me drive for a bit! We're all travelling in the air pockets! Tablets! In you go.
Oh, my God! That plane is gonna crash into the island! I think that's my agent.
That's Didier Drogba's plane, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.
My agent looks after Didier Drogba, borrows his plane.
Yeah.
I've been on it, actually.
Not when it's flying.
But, you know, I've sat in it, in the main chair.
Pretty good.
Looks like we're the only survivors.
Maybe we SHOULD get married.
We could always kiss, you know, for old times' sake.
Could do.
Go out on a high.
Or if you really wanna go out on a high .
.
I could do that thing you always wanted.
Wow.
Really? Might be easier in water.
All right, I'll close my eyes.
Oh, my God.
Don't worry about that.
It's just a birthmark.
Work round it.
Some people say it looks like Harrison Ford.
No, it's Joey Ramone! No, it's definitely Harrison Ford.
I saw it with a couple of mirrors.
I can't believe you all survived.
I thought everyone was dead.
Not only that, we smashed the ratings.
Turns out everyone loves a disaster.
Thus, I can confirm that the show hasn't been cancelled.
Aren't you Pinocchio? No.
I'm Greg somebody-or-other.
I work at the TV channel.
It's all bleedin' coming together, innit? Two, three, four! # It's all bleedin' coming together! # It seems it's gonna be all right # And we'll be holding hands and singing for ever! # And we'll be dancing till the morning light! # People of the world, come with me Flying through the sky # People of the world, come with me Flying through the sky Through the sky! # People of the world, come with me Flying through the sky People of the world Come on, everyone! All together now! # Two! Three! Four! # It's all bleedin' coming together! It seems it's gonna be all right Of course it is! And we'll be holding hands and singing for ever Holding hands! And we'll be dancing till the morning light! Ha-ha! I told you, it's all bleedin' coming together, innit? And so they all lived happily ever after inside the belly of a whale.
Ye-e-e-s.
Or did they? Well, whether they did or they didn't, can you two just get out of my bath? My wife's gonna be back in a minute! Plus I don't even know who the hell you are! Get out!