Nurse Jackie s02e05 Episode Script

Previously on Nurse Jackie I think I'm pregnant.
Apparently, there's been a problem with shrinkage.
No! Not "apparently.
" You paid a publicist, didn't you? I have a publicist, yes, but that is not why I was chosen for the list of the best 25 doctors in Manhattan.
Your accent, London with a touch of Sussex, right? -Indeed.
-I'm kind of an Anglophile.
How convenient.
I'm an Anglo.
-I have a girlfriend.
-So do I.
Do not take it out on him.
-Who? Who am I taking it out on? -Thor.
He's diabetic.
You know that, right? -It's nurse Jackie.
-Really? She constantly challenges my decisions, is bossy and rude.
My house, my kids? Are you out of your fucking mind? -I can't just turn it off like you can.
-I didn't turn it off, Eddie.
Do you want to know what your problem is? You're fucking greedy.
-Didn't you practice? -That's not very nice, Kaitlyn.
Okay, I told you not to scold my child.
I asked your child to make a little bit of room for my child.
And I think I said, "Please.
" She said that her mom was Dad's girlfriend before you.
Please.
I made too much Tater Tot hot dish so I thought I'd bring some over.
Kaitlyn says you guys order a lot of pizza.
Yes.
We happen to love pizza.
Really? Alice in Wonderland? It was with the girls.
And dinner, too.
We went to dinner.
Dinner and a movie.
With? -Kaitlyn and -Ginny? Yeah.
Yeah.
Come on.
It was a last-minute thing, Jackie.
May have been last minute on your part, not on hers.
I can promise you that.
Are you jealous of Ginny Flynn? Last minute.
Please.
That woman has been planning what to wear since high school.
You're nuts.
Did she happen to mention that her marriage is falling apart? Seriously, Jackie, you're nuts.
Seriously, Kevin, you're mine.
-Shit.
-What? -I'm sleeping on the couch.
-What? -Jackie -No, I gotta.
Why? Because we went to a movie? -You're overreacting.
-No, I am reacting.
I get to react, okay? What just happened back there? You come strolling in at 2:00 a.
m.
-I wanted to see that movie.
I told you that.
-Baby, you were working.
Well, then you should've called me or texted me.
Why didn't you call me? 'Cause I was afraid you'd end up sleeping on the couch.
Well, congratulations on being right.
See where that gets you.
Is Johnny Depp married? -Yes, honey, I believe he is.
-We saw Alice in Wonderland.
-You did? -Tim Burton.
-You need to see it.
-I do? You'll really like it.
Okay.
Done.
You shouldn't be sleeping on the couch.
The unsinkable Ginny Flynn.
With all the stab wounds and gunshots we get, you would think that one of them could be her.
-And we'd let her bleed to death, yes? -Is that bad? -My two cents? -Yes, please.
No sleeping on couches.
It makes people, i.
e.
, husbands, ask questions like, "Is something wrong? Can we talk?" Etcetera.
No good comes of it.
Believe me.
Not to mention the fact that that couch kills my back.
Makes me totally useless.
You are many things, Jacks, useless is not among them.
You're very sweet.
You need anything, half a Percocet, -you let me know.
-Yes, I will.
This is the Holy Land's most volatile shrine.
-She's great.
I like her.
-She is, isn't she? Violence here has escalated into prolonged conflict.
She's leaving Gaza to take a desk in Washington.
Is that right? How do you know that? -I know her.
-Really? Wow.
-Swanky life.
-Yeah.
Terribly swanky.
God.
-Last call for Percocet.
-No, no, it's too hard on the liver.
Only if you take it in obscene quantities.
Really? You know Sarah Khouri? God, I could not love her more.
Yeah, well Will this be one of those times? Get in line.
-Is this a good time? -Sorry.
-Quick and painless.
-I don't know about painless.
Well, then here's to quick.
-Hate you.
-What'd I do? Not that I'd wish diabetes on any of you, but look at the shit I have to eat.
-Wasa bread? -I love wasa bread.
Kind of my point, it's not a very glamorous food.
Seriously, diabetes, not a glamorous disease.
I don't know.
Mary Tyler Moore's pretty glamorous.
Yeah, but her glamour comes more from her business acumen and alcoholism.
-Big diff.
-Suit yourself.
Halle Berry, type one.
I'm not a big baby person, but have you seen her kid? Her kid is like gorgeous.
-You okay? -Why, what have you heard? People, let it be known, let it be known! For the time being, Miguel from admitting will be stationed at the Pill-O-Matix.
-Sorry? -You heard me.
Until the narcotics situation is resolved to my satisfaction, Miguel will be in the pharmacy.
You need an ID badge to get into the pharmacy.
Any nut job can walk into admitting.
Stupidest thing I ever heard.
Really.
Tell your nurses to keep their noses out of the oxy.
How about that? You are making things worse.
-Percocet? -Yes, please.
Witnessed a fall from a second-story scaffolding.
No habla, any of them.
Hey, Zoey.
What's up? Respiration is spontaneous and unlabored.
Large whack to the back of the head.
Probably broke a couple ribs.
Let's call up for a scan and see what we got.
On my count.
One two three.
You look nice, very pretty.
You're rocking a little glow.
I know, okay? Shut up.
Gun! Gun.
-Jackie Peyton, armed and dangerous.
-Do not tempt me.
-Security! -Pharmacy.
Jesus Christ.
Make yourself useful.
Hey, Kev.
I thought the worst thing about sleeping on the couch would be how it fucks up my back, but I was wrong.
It was waking up without you next to me.
So, there.
Call me back.
He needs stitches.
Squishy.
Two things.
Dr.
Cooper, I need a word alone with you.
I heard there was a gun.
Check his belongings, proof of registration.
If he's not carrying it, get security to cuff him to the bed rail.
-He's unconscious.
-Out like a light.
-Sleeping like a baby.
-Don't care.
The upside is she does rise to the occasion when there's, like, a gun or something.
-Most of the time, she just comes off -I didn't ask you here to talk about Jackie.
-No? -No.
You're a very good-looking man, Dr.
Cooper.
Man.
See, this always happens.
I'm flattered, Gloria.
And I love older women, so it's not that, but Okay, stop.
I'm heartbroken.
Dr.
Cooper, I have been saddled with the task of attracting more insured patients.
-A better grade of clientele.
-In a word, yes.
Our friends at the Sussman Foundation are interested in making meaningful contributions to a distinguished medical facility, not a ramshackle urgent care center.
-We're distinguished.
-Not like we were 30 years ago.
-I was five.
-Yeah.
And given your recent write-up I see what you're getting at.
You want me to show up at a couple of black ties, deliver a few speeches.
Tell me when and where.
Hobnobbing is my gift, that and really tiny stitches.
We want to launch a citywide campaign, buses, subway stops, featuring you as the face of All Saints.
-So, no speeches? -Not ruling it out.
-Do I get paid? -I've had legal draw up a little -Take a look.
-I'll totally give the money to charity.
Or new skis.
No! Charity's better, yes? Charity.
-I'd like to have my team give it a look-see.
-By all means.
Mostly charity.
-Did you catch anybody stealing drugs yet? -Nope.
-Did you lock the gun up yet? -Nope.
If I leave my post, I create an opportunity for theft.
-When do you eat? When do you pee? -Classified.
-You're all idiots.
-Pretty much.
Well, if you need me to bring you lunch or a bedpan, let me know.
I'll leave you two to fold the flag.
Tough nut to crack, that one.
But so worth it.
Couldn't agree more.
Death kit.
Shall we? Look how small.
They used to be bigger.
I mean, not huge, but they covered everything.
Sucks.
May I have a word? What happened to the death kits? Why are they so skimpy? Half the price, Miss Barkow.
Yes, but now it takes two kits to cover one body.
-How's that saving anybody any money? -Don't think so hard.
Like I can help it.
-You okay? -Yes.
-And why do people keep asking me that? -Give me your hand.
Reflexology, acupuncture, stuff corresponding with other stuff.
-What was that? -Something's up with your uterus.
-Am I gonna get my period? -Couldn't tell you.
-But, yeah, something is definitely -I know.
Stop.
-I'm on the phone with my attorneys.
-And I am buying chap stick for the queen.
Hey, Mom.
Can you put Mom on? I have a legal question.
Let's go.
Get some gloves.
altered mental status.
-Undomiciled? -No, smell coming in the hallway.
Neighbors thought she was dead.
Called the cops.
-I need you.
-Handle this.
-May I help you? -I need you to come to lunch with me.
-I can't do it.
-Then I need you to kill Sam.
-You're a big girl.
Kill him yourself.
-I'm begging you.
Please use your powers as his direct superior.
-Tell him to stop cruising doctors.
-You made your own bed.
Yes, I know! But it was a one-night stand.
Not even.
A bump in the chapel.
And now he's I hope by "big" you meant tall.
Please stop looking at me.
A lot of people.
And Carolyn.
Carolyn comes for lunch.
You know she comes We have lunch on Thursdays.
But no, no wigs.
No wigs.
Sometimes, you know, she wears a fall.
The hair is from China.
What's up? She has a 24-hour caregiver paid for by the State.
I hope you are kidding.
How we doing, Renata? Hello, sweetheart.
How was the ride? Good, I hope.
How about something to eat? Should we wait for company? Well, it might be a while.
There's a lot of traffic today.
Yeah, I forgot the traffic.
I keep forgetting that.
Will you get the girl some coffee? -No, that's okay.
-I would love to.
I will be right back, okay? -Hey, Kevin.
-Hey, babe.
-Heads up.
The car is out of commission.
-Really? What's up? The tech is looking at it right now, but I just didn't want to throw you for a loop.
Okay.
You good? This is delightful.
-Thank you.
-My pleasure.
Our pleasure.
It says here you have someone who lives with you? -My Carolyn comes for lunch.
-That's nice, huh? Tuesdays.
Sometimes Thursdays.
Or not.
Busy lady.
And her kids are beautiful.
And they're all blond, all of them.
-Hello, dear.
-Hi.
I saw her name on the computer.
Can I talk to her? Sure.
Zoey? Renata Thurber.
You did the hair for Mame, and Follies and Company.
I did.
Are you one of the dancers? I'm an understudy.
God.
Why bother getting old, you know? People forgetting you're even alive.
Or not caring.
Having a baby wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
-At least when I'm old.
-There's lots of reasons to have kids.
Just as many not to.
I have two girls.
That's all you're getting.
Five minutes.
-All right, give me one second.
-Not asking.
Come with me.
You and Sarah Khouri, really? Really.
-You don't do anything half-assed, do you? -Apparently not.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
You are pretty sophisticated.
Keep telling me that.
-So, when are we talking? -On her way up to Washington.
Only for a couple of days.
I thought this was behind me.
I really did.
-And it's not.
-And it's not.
Do I get to meet her? -Incoming.
-See you.
Look, I think you're great, but I really need to step away from this.
-Understood.
-It was amazing, don't get me wrong, but having indiscriminate sex when you're a sex addict -Indiscriminate? You're hilarious.
-My girlfriend's back.
So is mine.
-Thank you, Dr.
Cooper.
-Glad to help.
And the whole good-looking thing, more of a curse than a blessing.
I can't even imagine.
-What's up, boo? -Don't.
You're just shutting me down here.
What's with that? -'Cause I can just -No, no, no, nothing's with that.
I think I'm pregnant.
Happy? Wow.
I am happy if you're happy.
It's not with the guy I like.
It's his brother.
One less Jägermeister, I might've ended up with the one I wanted.
Yeah.
-Staten Island barbecues.
-Yeah, they are the worst.
If no one steps up to the plate, I could be there.
That's very sweet.
Just weird.
-I'm looking for Renata Thurber.
-Family? Caregiver.
Why don't you have a seat? We'll get you the release forms.
The police are here for the gun.
They need a signature.
-Where are they now? -There's just one, Miguel took him All right.
I'll be back in a second.
Are you out of your fucking mind? Go.
Hey, can you come with me a second? I've got a call in to Adult Protective Services.
You're gonna want to take her in for aggravated neglect and endangerment.
-Who the hell are you? -Jackie Peyton, nice to meet you.
Wanna step over here, please for a minute, ma'am? -You've got to be kidding me.
-No.
Fraud.
You can get her on fraud.
We've still got an unregistered firearm over here, huh? The guy cracked his head open.
He's not going anywhere.
-If you say so.
-I do.
Ma'am, please.
You want to step over here? Hi, it's me.
Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry about all this.
I'm tired and my back's all fucked up and I'm sorry.
You want to talk? Really? Me, too.
-You are nuts.
-I am.
You've got to toughen up.
Says the lady that picked Alice in Wonderland.
I hear it's very good.