October Road (2007) s02e05 Episode Script

Previously on October Road I haven't left this house in five years.
- Help me understand.
- Right now I'm fine.
Now my heart's starting to race.
Chest about to explode.
Okay, that's enough.
I understand.
- I miss you, buddy.
- You had sex with my wife! - We will never be friends again.
- These your kids? Thursdays and every other weekend.
Mom's a cobra.
I can't put my life on the fantasy of what we were.
Will you marry me, Hannah jane? Hannah's a great girl and all, Nick, but you two are past tense.
You should get Aubrey back.
You should un-break up with her.
- You got a girlfriend, Ronnie? - Well's been dry for a while now.
Come on, guys, Jasper and Casper.
We're almost there.
Hippy Bob? Hippy Bob? - Thank god.
- Hannah! Big ups to you.
Your mom told my mom you got engaged.
So my mom is like, "you know Ray Cataldo, Hippy Bob?" - And I'm like, "mom" - Bob-- "I've known Big Cat since the eighth grade "when he was still just a little Big Cat.
"And by the way, moms, since when do you call me 'Hippy Bob'?" Bob, I have to take my vet tech recertification test four minutes ago.
My babysitter fell off a stepladder and sprained her ankle, - so-- - Hey, Sammy D.
, - you famous yet? - Workin' on it, Hippy Bob.
- Will you watch them? - No problemo.
- We'll have some fun.
- Are you sure? - It'll be about an hour.
- Dude, the children are our future.
Thank you so much.
Behave, okay? - Good luck, ma.
- Thanks.
- So who wants tattoos? - Me! Yeah! It's a beautiful saturday.
Unseasonably warm.
Why are you guys inside? I'm inside because the newspaper is.
Ronnie's inside thwarting a martian invasion because that's best achieved inside.
When was the last time you actually had a date, Ronnie? - I don't know.
- Hey you're a cool, good-looking guy.
You shouldn't be in on saturdays playing video games.
Why are you picking on me? Leslie calls that "projecting.
" It's when person "a" accuses person "b" of things that person "a" is doing.
Tonight we go out, meet you a girl, - get you off the schneid.
- Okay, whatever, man.
- Pop, you want a cheese sandwich? - Uh, no, mnh-mnh.
- Cheese sandwich? - I would love a cheese sandwich.
- There.
- Thanks.
Gonna get him off the schneid, huh? I mean, don't you think he needs it? I know you like someone sitting by your side when you read the box scores, - but I mean, dad-- - No, no, that's fine.
It's I'm just wondering who's the kettle who's the pot? What do you mean? Well, ever since Hannah put the lid on things, you've been moping around here like the dog ate your shoes.
- You need to go out, find a girl.
- That is the last thing I need.
I need a vacation from girls.
A girl vacation.
Do you know what a girl vacation is, dad? - Prison? - No.
It's spending some time with me.
Just me.
I need to spend some quality time with me.
Well, suit yourself.
I'm sure you'll find the company boring.
- Adjective.
- Adulterous.
We agreed.
No wallowing.
Adjective.
Is "heart-stomper" an adjective? Phil? Simian.
- Nice one.
- Really? - Hey, guys.
- Hey, Eddie! Let's see.
- Phone bill.
- No.
Cool sports mag for me.
Highly pretentious news mag for you.
And finally special delivery from bakersfield.
Oh! Yeah! That's the last one, right? Yes.
The coil.
- It's been a long time, hasn't it? - But Klauss has been patient.
- Who's Klauss? - You haven't told her about Klauss? Not yet.
- Who's Klauss? - Uh, only our, uh, non-rent-paying roommate who lives in the garage.
Why haven't I met Klauss yet? I'm sorry.
I was waiting until I finished before I showed you.
Show the girl.
Show the girl.
Show the girl.
Lady and gentlemen, I present Klauss.
I've only recently rediscovered root beer.
After a long period of ginger ale and various other colas - We're not allowed soft drinks.
- Well, Sam isn't really, either.
- Only on special occasions.
- Yeah, like dinner.
Uh-oh.
Hi, Christine.
I'll take my boys now, if you don't mind.
I thought I was dropping them off after dinner.
You were, until I got a call from my son to tell me the boys were getting tattoos.
- Tattoos? - Yes, Jasper's is a red octopus.
I believe his brother got the grim reaper? What? No, Christine, the boys were not getting tattooed.
They weren't? Jasper must've called Dr.
Cataldo while I was getting mine.
Yours? It's a D.
N.
A.
Strand.
Double helix.
Hippy Bob says he's never really inked one before.
He really nailed the "t" residues, don't you think? You left the children with someone named "hippie Bob"? No, Hippy Bob is an old friend.
My sitter fell off a stepladder.
Just because you are suddenly engaged to their father doesn't mean you get to make parenting decisions as to who watches them.
Hippy Bob said they'd be temporary-- - wash right off.
- Boys? - Put on your coats.
- Look, Christine, I'm sorry.
I had to get my recertification, and things just got a little crazy.
I guess our boys will just have to feel extra cool for a while, right? No, not right.
You see, I prefer my children to consider tattoos an accessory reserved for decorating convicts or blue-collar ideals of rebellion.
Okay, I think you're overreacting.
And I think it's amazing that despite the rigors of my job, I always managed to find adequate child care, where as, you, who pick up dog poo for a living, cannot.
Tattoos, Hannah? - Tattoos.
- Christine, they're temporary.
Jasper.
Casper say thank you and good-bye.
- Thank you.
- Bye, Sam.
By the way, please tell my ex-husband I would've appreciated a phone call.
It was lovely hearing about your engagement from Red the butcher.
I think we're gonna need more root beer.
Now do you see? This is what I'm talking about.
We got a target-rich environment-- prime staging for a shock and awe campaign.
- Yeah, I'm bored already.
- I love it! Two Garretts for the price of one.
Aubrey.
Fellas, this is Taylor.
Or as I like to call her, my only conduit to sanity in russian lit.
Nice to meet you.
Nick.
This is my brother Ronnie.
Hi, Ronnie.
It's good to meet you.
Hi.
- What's wrong with him? - Uh, he's just, uh, just feeling a little guilty that while he's here trying to enjoy himself, planet earth is being invaded by space aliens with orangutan bodies and praying mantis heads? Is that it? - Shall we cocktail? - Let's.
Ronnie, sit down.
Do you really need to add a yard sale to your plate? In january, no less? Don't think of it as a yard sale.
Consider it a cleansing.
- A purge.
- As in, to vomit forth? Exactly.
I am vomiting forth the marginalia, the clutter that this house has accumulated over the years, to make things more comfortable for Ray.
What? I think I know why you have the sudden passion to purge.
A yard sale is not such a radical notion, Janet.
These are things that people do.
Things that people do when intimidated by the aura of their fiancé's ex.
Christine walked out on him, by the way.
So she is on your mind.
Hey, ladies, what about these two hockey sticks with words on 'em? Those we keep.
You passed the test.
- Yes.
- Well, congrats.
Thank you.
For another two years, the unmentionables of Schnauzers everywhere will continue to be clean and dry.
I told you you could stop working.
No.
I want to.
All I said was that I'd prefer if you stayed home.
Just while Sam's still young.
Be here when he gets home from school.
I mean, what's the point in making money, Janet, if you can't allow your wife and her son to spend some time with each other? I don't know Ray.
But when I mention this, I'm suddenly being sexist, old-fashioned and a thug.
Sexist and old-fashioned, yes, but you have been a thug long before this mention.
You didn't tell Ray about the tavern tattoo tirade? I can handle Christine on my own.
I don't need Ray to get involved.
- She's vicious, Hannah.
- I know.
She's also so together.
She's a hand surgeon.
I bet Ray didn't mention to her that she could not work.
And I'll go double or nothin' she doesn't have a bottle opener attached to her key ring.
Then she's a fool.
The joke will be on her if she's ever stranded on a desert island with three cases of grape soda that don't have twist-offs.
Well, there is that other thing about her.
Which is? She is someone Ray once chose to marry.
Do these AC/DC knockoff bands drive you as nuts as they drive me? What do you know from AC/DC? Oh, I know AC/DC.
Can you even name seven AC/DC songs? Only seven? "Hells Bells," "Whole Lotta Rosie," "For Those About To Rock," "Heatseeker," "Highway To Hell," "Dirty Deeds" and "Who Made Who.
" What? You didn't even need "You Shook Me All Night Long.
" Hey, Ronnie? Taylor's a big skier.
Why don't you tell her about the time that I dared you to roof ski.
No, I got a bellyache.
I don't wanna-- What did you have for dinner? - French fries.
- That's it? Just french fries? No, well, they were steak fries, and and there was an abundant quantity of soft potato meat.
Okay, Ronnie, hey, why don't you and Taylor go hit up the jukebox? Come on.
It'll be an adventure.
Go.
This might be a thing.
He is so Taylor's type.
Well, then we should get those two together.
Oh, and since when did you become matchmaker? I'm just trying to be a big brother, that's all.
The guy's like a heap of unformed clay when it comes to the ladies.
My friends aren't here just as pick-me-ups, Nick.
No.
No, no, no.
Of course not.
But I'm sensing chemistry.
Aren't you? Thomas Edison drove a Studebaker-- Joe Louis, Ed Sullivan and Roger Ebert, to name a few.
- Impressive.
- But what really clinched it? This is the car that Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear drove to California in "The Muppet Movie.
" But a guy who doesn't leave the house restoring a car he doesn't plan on driving? Isn't that a little counterintuitive? I guess I just like the idea of taking something beautiful and broken and making it work the way it used to.
And now Klauss will be ready to go! We're gonna take Klauss for a ride.
- Someday.
- Around the block.
Not today.
Someday.
I still don't understand what you're so worried about.
I mean, we'll be inside the car, and inside when you're outside is still inside, right? Wrong.
Outside when you're inside is still outside.
Okay, here we go.
You ready? Try it again.
Oh, no.
We failed.
We failed Klauss.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We haven't failed anything.
We are gonna get Klauss started, and then we're gonna go for a drive.
Stay focused, Ronnie.
You got nine cans of chili on the line.
I like this.
Our new world order-- chums who can hang.
I agree.
This is nice.
Psychosexual politics have left the building.
And I agree to that.
Who knows? Maybe we can make it a thing.
What kind of a thing? - Friending.
- Friending? Yeah, you know, being friends without all the - entanglements? - Exactly.
Our goal here is to get those two together and to keep the friending alive.
Fine.
If you say so.
I need a refill.
Are you guys good? - We're good.
- Yeah.
Hey, I think she likes you.
You got a problem, Ronnie Garrett.
You're in love with your brother's girlfriend.
First of all, she's not his girlfriend.
And second, - I am not in love with her.
- See? Now, if you weren't, the "she's not his girlfriend" wouldn't be the first part.
And this ain't the first time I noticed it.
Every time she burps, you act like you heard the symphony.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh whatever you say, dude, but I'm here.
When you need to flap your gums? 'Cause there's one thing I know.
Loving the wrong gal only leads to drinking alone.
Today's guest for career month is Ms.
Daniels, Sam's mom.
Thank you, Mrs.
Burns.
So how many of you have pets at home? Great.
And, um, how many of you have taken them to the veterinarian's office? Sorry, I'm late.
I had a small joint reconstruction on an arthritic hand, and there were complications.
Hannah? Hi, Christine.
Dr.
Cataldo, I think there's been a misunderstanding.
Your presentation is scheduled for this coming monday.
Oh, don't tell me that.
I'm so sorry.
One of my assistants must've Well, this is embarrassing.
Okay, I'm leaving.
Pretend I was never here.
Bye, sweethearts.
Uh, when did you say? Monday.
Ugh.
Worst possible time.
I have surgeries scheduled all week next week.
- Three on monday.
- Oh, I see.
Well, it's fine.
- We'll---we'll do it next year.
- Oh, wait.
Maybe we can rearrange things.
Perhaps Ms.
Daniels might find her schedule more flexible that the children may have the benefit of the both of you? Sure.
I can-- I can come back another day.
Are you sure? The floor is yours.
Hi, guys.
I'm Dr.
Christine Cataldo.
Now How many of you have ever seen a scalpel? How many of you would like to see a scalpel? Wow.
What do you think? Yeah, pretty cool, right? Now do you know what kind of doctor uses a scalpel? Only surgeons, which are very special kinds of doctors, and I am a very special kind of surgeon.
I work on your hand.
I can make a very strong case for this being a keeper.
Fourear-old halloween costumes are non-negotiable.
- They go in the "out" pile.
- This was right after I learned there's no such thing as Santa Claus.
Werewolves helped me get over it until, of course, I found out there's no such thing as werewolves.
- And what helped you get over that? - Dragons.
Sorry, dude.
Very controversial.
Why do you think Dr.
Cataldo interrupted your presentation? She made a mistake.
She got the days mixed up.
She's really busy.
I could see how that could happen.
She didn't make a mistake.
Last week when I was over at their house, I told her you were making your presentation today.
- You did? - She knew.
- She did it on purpose, ma.
- Well, why would she do that? That's what I asked you.
And it was somewhere between the 21st and 22nd day of no phones ringing that the best friend windows' brain trust considered the virtues of advertising.
- Hello.
- Hey.
Hey, Aubrey.
What goes on? You called me.
The message was: "Come to the office.
I have a plan.
" I came right over.
I love plans.
Taylor and Ronnie.
Especially ones that involve my girlfriend and your nervous brother.
He's new at this.
So what do you say? Will you call Taylor? - To what end? - Because Ronnie won't.
- We'll all go out again.
- Like a double date? - Like we'll all go out again.
- Okay.
Well, we should go bowling.
- Taylor likes to bowl.
- She likes to bowl? Really? Maybe she's more for my father than she is for my brother.
Does she also make her own barbecue sauce using vodka and salt water taffy? Because if so, then she's definitely for my dad.
I'll set it up - in the spirit of friending.
- Thank you.
This is gonna be great.
Let me just, uh, go on record here.
If it were me, - and I were trying to get over Hannah-- - Aubrey is not rebound material, okay? She's better than that.
And I'm not in the market for a girlfriend right now.
Fair enough.
You just better hope that when you're ready to start shoppin', she's still on the shelf.
So what's on your mind, Hannah? - You knew it was my day.
- I knew it was your day? - At the school.
- Oh, yes.
I did.
Yet you barged in there pretending like you made some mistake, and I just want to know why.
What is it? Dr.
Papetti wanted to know if you looked at Mr.
Steeves, - the kienbock's patient? - I did.
Tell him it's a severely collapsed lunate, and I don't see how revascularization is an option.
Ray says you once wanted to be a doctor.
I did.
What field? I was thinking about family medicine.
Well, it's ironic, I guess, isn't it? What's that? Just how getting pregnant prevented you from practicing family medicine.
And now you work for a vet.
- Do you like it? - I do.
Well, it sounds dreamy to me.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
I love what I do, but, well, people have the ability to speak and complain and call you up at 4:00 in the morning because they can't make a fist.
I trust basset hounds don't do that.
Nope.
Basset hounds only call during office hours.
Dr.
Cataldo, your 5:00 wrist fusion is prepped.
- I've got to go, Hannah.
- You didn't answer my question-- why you showed up on my day.
You've come along to take my place, Hannah.
Every now and again, just feels good to take yours.
- But you left him.
- I did, which doesn't mean four years later that I don't want him back.
Three gutter balls in a row! We win again.
Let's get a beer.
I think my business is done here.
Aubrey, being lousy at bowling isn't necessarily a bad thing.
You know, I think it's working.
Things are crackling.
Well, she definitely likes him.
You think he likes her? He'd better.
It's your arm swing.
It's not loose.
My arm swing? - Well, will you show me? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Grab the ball.
- Okay.
The best way to have a loose arm swing is to have your thumb relaxed, - so put it in-- in there.
- Okay.
Oh, thanks.
So Ronnie's been terrorizing the local lanes since we were kids.
Oh, I'm not surprised.
He is so fine.
- Now? - Yeah.
Keep it loose.
- You're a good teacher, Ronnie.
- Thanks.
- Did you see that? - What happened? I have never It's good times, Ronnie.
She's a great girl.
Yeah, she really is.
She really, really is a great girl.
- A vocational test? - I don't know.
I always blame getting pregnant for not going to med school.
Maybe that's just a cop-out.
Maybe I was just scared I wouldn't be able to cut it, so I used Sam as a crutch to not even try.
- That's crazy talk.
- Maybe I should accept Ray's offer not to stop working, but to stop working at the vet's.
Pursue something else.
- You ready, mom? - Hence, a vocational test.
I'm ready.
Let's see if there's more to life than obtaining the health histories of calico cats.
First question-- What is the highest education level you have ever received? High school.
In the next 12 months, your career goal is to Figure out a career goal? Would you describe yourself as a team player? If that team is the Red Sox, yeah.
I'll put down "no.
" Have you ever milked a cow? - Really? - It starts to get a little nutty.
Um, yeah, once, at my uncle Jim's farm.
Have you ever played billiards wearing an evening dress? You know, she's right, Phil.
You should take her for a spin.
I just continue to be amazed by which part of "shut-in" is unclear to you guys.
Is it the "shut"? Or perhaps it's the "in.
" - Nice! - You like? Yeah.
- So how'd the double date go? - Yeah, how? Was the Nick-Aubrey sexual tension so thick, it made bowlers three lanes down blush? There was definitely some sexual tension, but not of the Nick-Aubrey variety.
- Really? - Baby bro bowl a strike? Not yet, but Taylor invited him to her house tomorrow night, so - it's pretty much on.
- Maybe.
You know, you never know.
I think Ronnie's just a little nervous.
It's been a while.
All right.
How long's "a while"? Last girl that touched me was Gina Disimone.
- Uh, haircuts don't count.
- Well, then it's been a year.
A year? Poor guy.
Do I detect a little performance anxiety in our randy young charge? - No.
I'm--I'm fine.
- I am f-- - You're not fine.
- Yeah, you're-- Try and start it now, Phil.
Uh yeah.
I, uh I didn't know that you were down there.
- It's alive! - Nice! Oh, um, when in doubt, rub her earlobes.
What do--what do you mean? Like you were opening combination locks.
- Um, I'm not gonna-- - Trust me.
Earlobes.
Combination locks.
Hey, guys, guys, it's coming up.
Well, how'd I do? - What's it say? - I thought you loved animals.
I don't understand.
What does that mean? It means, based on your answers and interests, the occupation you're most suited for is - A prizefighter? - What? Like a boxer? Yeah.
You know, brawler, palooka pugilist.
That's ridiculous, Sam.
There must be some mistake.
Sorry, ma.
There's no mistake.
I have it! Jasper, it's mine! When will you give it to me, Jasper? Come on! Muppet baby head for your thoughts? I was advised to pursue a career in prizefighting, Janet.
It's only some lousy test, babe.
Maybe I am a product of poor breeding.
Hey, stop.
- Your breeding is fine.
- No, Christine's is fine.
- Mine is off the rack.
- Give you a dollar for this.
No negotiating, Matty.
Everything is priced to move.
Connor, of course you have to be nice to your sister when I'm not home, especially when I'm not.
I love you, too, okay? I'll see you guys on friday.
Bye baby.
You okay? It's just tough not tucking 'em in every night, you know? I bet.
Sundays were always Rowan family game night.
What do you say we all play ourselves a board game later tonight? Oh, he's got to be kidding.
How about an old-school game of 4-man risk? A mellow night of global domination.
Sorry, Owen.
I can't.
That girl, Taylor-- she invited me to her place.
Aubrey's friend? One real date and back to her place? Not bad, Ronald.
That's right, Owen.
He's got the Garrett man smoldering brood.
Drives the women crazy.
So Ronnie's going to Aubrey's friend's house, but you're staying home to conquer the world with us? That's an unexpected turn of events.
- Yeah, he's on girl vacation.
- Girl vacation? Yeah, he and the, uh, schneid together, spending some time alone.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's broken.
I meant to pull that from the box.
I thought this place looked familiar.
You're onions and eggplant, right? Ridge pizza.
- We deliver.
- Oh, right.
Actually, onions and eggplant is right over there.
It's my son.
I'm just plain old cheese, so I do a lot of picking off.
Hey, it's going well, huh? Oh.
Onions and eggplant is romantilly linked sausage and pepper.
I had no idea.
Oh, man.
What is she doing here? Hello, Sam.
Casper, Jasper, wrap it up.
- Do we have to? - Inside.
Get your things now.
This is just like her.
We agreed the boys could stay all day.
- Ray, let me handle this.
- Have at it.
- Hello, Hannah.
- Hello.
Listen, I know that it hasn't been pretty between us lately, but we need to get along or at least be civil - for the sake of the boys.
- Hannah, I couldn't agree more.
I may be a doctor, but I'm also a mother and a pragmatist, and you're right.
You're right.
We can do better.
- Thanks, Christine.
- Yeah.
Honestly, Hannah, I had you pegged all wrong.
- What do you mean? - I thought for certain there'd be a keg.
And what time does the snot-drunk game of horseshoes break out? And where's the deep fryer? Are we gonna bubble up some ham hocks? Okay, Christine, I get it.
- Why don't you just take the twins and go? - You know, but this much I will concede.
Your son-- he seems like a very clever boy.
Darling sense of humor.
- He's a lovely child.
- Thank you.
Especially for a bastard.
- What did you say? - Oh, you heard me.
That's my ma, the prizefighter.
You know, I have high hopes for tonight.
I really do.
Taylor and Ronnie? Or, as I like to refer to it, Ronnie and Taylor.
- Baby brother gets top billing.
- It's in his contract.
Got any fancy plans this evening, teach? I do, indeed.
I'm actually playing risk tonight with the commander and Owen.
Oh, I love that game.
You're more than welcome to join.
Really? Darts in the afternoon, board games at night-- really taking this friending thing seriously.
I like it.
So what do you say? Games with the Garrett gang? I can't.
- Wouldn't be fair.
- Why not? The thing about risk is that you can't win unless you're willing to be vulnerable, put yourself at risk, as it were.
And at that moment, the board game chat had taken on a whole new meaning.
The whole arrangement looks great on paper, especially for you, Nick-- you, who gets to have his cake and throw darts with it on lazy afternoons, too.
But really, consider it.
You pursued me last fall like I was the last train out of hell, only to run to Hannah when we started to get some footing.
Oh, and, hey, I get it-- lost love and all, back to the egg.
But take five seconds to look at it from the rooftop where I'm perched.
I really liked you.
And at the very moment when I decided not to be afraid to come and bite the apple, well, you decided all you really wanted was a chunk of your past.
And now you come to me, like a beer buddy, and ask me to forget those few weeks when, for the first time in a while, I had felt like I was on to something true.
- Aubrey, I-- - So no.
No, I don't think that I can play risk with you tonight, because none of this, none of this at all, bodes well for my survival on the battlefield.
Bull's-eye.
I think so, too.
Bye, Nick.
Are we in the mood for Bogart and Bacall tonight? - Or Hepburn and Tracy? - Neither.
Not Godzilla and Mothra? Not again.
Nope.
I think I have a better idea.
What's that? We're gonna take Klauss for a ride.
No way.
Come on.
- Just once around the block.
- Once? Do you know what once leads to? - What? - Twice.
Just the two of us.
It'll be like a mini romantic getaway.
Come on.
You and me in the car together alone under the dome light.
Some people still have their christmas decorations up.
I mean, don't you want to get to see that? What about the mannings? Are theirs still up? The Big white house on the corner? Oh.
Oh, they're still up, all right-- three wise men and all.
I love the mannings' wise men.
They bear an uncan resemblance to Moe, Larry and Curly.
- You need anything else, baby? - No, thanks.
Okay.
You were married to a surgeon a beautiful surgeon, and she may want you back.
The only good thing in five years of marriage, aside from the twins, that Christine ever did for me was up and leave, because if she didn't, well, then, I wouldn't have been available when the most amazing woman in the world came walking down the street.
And then that woman turned a corner, and you saw me.
Exactly.
Not funny, Sam.
- How you doing, Champ? - My knuckles are killing me.
I know a good hand surgeon.
And with that, Southern Europe is mine.
- Sorry, Nick.
- Fabulous.
Oh, no long faces, son.
It's the same in love and war.
So you got driven out of France.
The best way to overcome that is invade Belgium.
And belgian beer-- Now there's a source of a long and glorious love affair.
You know what? - I can't do this.
- Are you serious? I have to go see someone.
I'm sorry.
- We can't do this.
- What? I don't want to be your friend.
- We need to talk.
- Wrong verb, teach.
What are you thinking? That you just friended my brains out.
Okay, you were right.
I'm nuts about her.
So tell me, what do I have to do? What do I have to do to get her out of my head?