One Day at a Time (2017) s02e05 Episode Script
Locked Down
1 You guys better get on the road.
You don't want to be late for Comic-Con.
[LYDIA.]
Aw.
Qué fun.
[CHUCKLES.]
My granddaughter is dating a box.
Actually, I'm the TARDIS.
Oh! "TARDIS.
" Elena said I must never use that word anymore.
Uh, it's from Doctor Who, Abuelita.
The TARDIS is a time-traveling police box.
I'm dressed as the Fourth Doctor.
Pretty sure people are going to want to take pictures with us, which is the ultimate Comic-Con win.
Next to being able to rap in Klingon.
Ay, pobrecita, you are even more of a nerd than Elena.
Ah.
You guys look great.
And, Alex [CHUCKLES.]
You look so handsome.
It's my first Bar Mitzvah.
I don't want to look like a schlemiel.
Dr.
Berkowitz has been teaching me Yiddish.
The kid's a natural.
I'm plotzing with nachas.
Ay, papito, I can't believe it's your first sleepover.
Yeah.
Only eight short years after all my friends had their first sleepover.
Hey! Be thankful that Abuelita and I are being so cool about it.
I vetted the mom.
She was in the Israeli army, super strict.
No guns in the home.
Liquor cabinet's locked.
No large dogs.
She gets it.
Okay, I color-coded the panel schedule so we can hit as many as we can before the Dungeons & Dragons session.
Roll a D20, with a plus-five to fun! Blink twice if you need help.
You're not gonna have time to talk to each other.
This is our first date, okay? I really like Syd.
I want them to like me back, so I packed our day full of stuff so I have no time to be awkward.
That's what's so brilliant about this schedule.
We never have to talk.
Mmm.
Talking is a good thing.
I bet you Doctor Who even talks to his patients.
He's not that kind of doctor.
He is a Time Lord, everybody knows this.
What's your costume? The Wicked Witch of the East Side? Don't make jokes about witchcraft.
It's like SanterÃa.
I don't believe in it but I respect it.
We're catching Pagliacci at the San Diego Opera House.
For some reason, I've always empathized with sad clowns.
[SIGHS.]
You guys gotta get moving.
Let's go! Come on! I have so much studying to do.
I'm gonna miss you guys, but you gotta beat the traffic, I gotta hit the books.
Ah, I'm gonna pull an all-nighter, make those little flashcards.
I'm gonna do some highlighting.
All right, I'm gonna miss you guys so much! [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Okay.
Yes.
You look good, girl.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Hid in the hallway until your family left, like a secret agent.
Then I did a shoulder roll.
Didn't have to, just felt cool.
Maybe I'll meet your family for real next time.
Uh, you don't want to meet those people.
How about for now, you just say hi to the girls? I thought you had a son and a Oh.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- [PENELOPE.]
Mmm.
Wait, hold on.
- Okay, let's go.
- [LAUGHING.]
[BOTH MOANING.]
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[GRUNTING.]
No.
That's my mom's room.
There's crosses, pictures of the Pope, and my dad's ghost's in there.
It's not a sexy place.
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING.]
What's that? Oh! It's just a police helicopter.
Otherwise known as Echo Park in July.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[OFFICER OVER SPEAKER.]
We're in pursuit of a dangerous suspect.
He is armed.
Everyone, go back inside, and do not leave your building.
Think your family made it out? - [LYDIA GRUNTS.]
- [PENELOPE GASPS.]
Lupe! There is a murderer running loose.
Get in there.
Okay, coming! [PANTING.]
Coming! Yeah.
Okay! Oh, you guys are back.
Great, great, great, great, great.
There's a police helicopter out there.
They're not letting us leave.
- Why do you look so nice? - Oh, this? This is what I wear when you aren't here.
You just never see it.
I have never been more proud of you.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
[OFFICER OVER SPEAKER.]
For your safety, please remain inside until further notice.
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING.]
We're going to miss the masquerade and the dance party.
And the Firefly panel, the Zombie Run, the Buffy sing-a-long, and the super-gay Supergirl meet up.
But this lockdown is awesome.
Maybe it's the Daleks.
"Exterminate.
Exterminate.
" Actually, this seems like a pretty serious situation.
But it's okay.
We'll just hang out and talk.
[CHUCKLES.]
Talk? Yeah.
Wait.
Keep the costumes on, and go up to Schneider's.
He's a man-child who lives off his parents, and likes dressing up in weird outfits.
He is Comic-Con.
I think we're gonna be stuck here for a while.
- [LYDIA SIGHS.]
- I'm sorry we're going to miss the opera.
Let me see if I can get a refund on our tickets.
Hey, hey! Why are you going in here? Because it's where you make me live like a dog without a door.
Actually, Mami, why don't you make everyone something to eat? There are over three people, and no one is cooking.
What kind of Cuban are you? That's true.
Mala cubana.
Hey, kids, why don't you go to your rooms and wait until dinner? - Cool.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You want us to be alone in my room? Me and my date? Leave the door open.
Feet on the ground.
Alex will check on you.
- No, ew.
- Come on.
[LYDIA SCREAMS.]
[PENELOPE YELLING AND PANTING.]
My succulent died! Oh [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Ay, who is that? - [STAMMERS.]
It's probably one of those shirtless door-to-door salesmen.
[PENELOPE AND DR.
BERKOWITZ SCREAM.]
Hey, guys.
Why are you wearing a gas mask? Why aren't you? With all that's going on out there? Oh, man.
Now, look, I prepared us a survival kit.
It's a little bare-bones.
Water purification pills, MREs, enough cash to get us to Cape Verde by boat, just the basics.
[SIGHS.]
Anyway, you're safe now that I'm here.
- We were safe when you weren't here.
- Okay.
But can I stay? I'm all alone up there.
Do you have any idea how scary it is being a wealthy white man in a lavish apartment? [HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING.]
I'm a target! Of course you can stay, Schneider.
Why should this night be different from any other night? - [SCHNEIDER SIGHING.]
- [SPEAKING HEBREW.]
Nailed it.
[WHISPERS.]
Schneider, come here.
Max is here somewhere.
Unless he's Houdini.
Maybe he is, I don't know him that well.
What are you talking about? They were supposed to be gone, and he was just here, and we were supposed to, you know - Oh.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Shag City got shut down by the po-po.
I can't wait to meet him.
I've been following him on Instagram.
Seems like a super cool dude.
Great abs.
[SIGHS.]
I know, right? [CHUCKLES.]
But it's way too soon.
Nobody is meeting him, especially not my mom.
One look at him, bam, she's sewing me in a wedding dress, and you'll be my maid of honor.
I would be so honored.
Look, right now our relationship is, like, the perfect little fantasy.
He hasn't seen me with zit cream on my face, and inhaling a bag of Cheetos like it's nothing.
And I don't know if I want him to.
I just wanna keep climbing him like a beanstalk, and never reach the top.
That's it.
I don't even wanna know his middle name.
Vernon.
Can I have my shirt? He looks shorter than I thought.
So, I guess you're stuck with me.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
- Oh.
A Wrinkle in Time.
- Yeah, it's stupid.
- It's my favorite book.
- Stupid how much I love it.
You okay, there? Yeah.
I'm just super hungry.
For food.
Uh, how about we be normal and get snacks? - Elena, can you help me? - Shurbly-burbly.
- What is up with you? - Nothing.
Oh.
Are you "shurbly-burbly"? Help me make things less awkward.
You're good at talking.
People say you're charming.
People are right.
I'll work some magic.
Just because I'm missing the Bar Mitzvah doesn't mean I can't be a mensch.
Okay.
[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING.]
Here, quick, Schneider, help me.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Okay, okay.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
- Just go, just go.
- Go, go, go.
Yes, go.
All right.
Okay.
- [LYDIA SCREAMS.]
- [PENELOPE GASPS.]
Is that the killer? Leslie, stay behind me.
Wait.
No.
No, no, no.
You are too handsome to be a killer.
Thank you? Who are you? [STUTTERS.]
This? Him? [STAMMERS.]
Go ahead and tell them who he is.
This is Max, my sponsor.
From Alcoholics Anonymous.
So, forget I just said his name.
So great to meet you, Max.
Why don't you two head over to Schneider's apartment? - Yes! - Sounds great, Penelope.
It is Penelope? - Yeah, good guess.
Bye.
- Yeah.
[LYDIA.]
No, no, no, no.
Ridiculous.
We are in lockdown.
You must stay for dinner.
Okay, Double-A Alex Alvarez and Syd Vicious coming at you from hashtag, lockdown.
- See anything? - [HELICOPTER HOVERING.]
I see a fire escape, easy access for zombies.
You guys are my witnesses.
Alex, if I get bitten by a zombie, promise me right now that you will take me out.
Do not let me turn.
I'm not going to do that, Syd! I won't be Syd anymore! I'll kill you! [CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Ooh, they're FaceTiming me from the Bar Mitzvah.
Yeah, this can't be my background.
I'm out.
Oh, Alex, Alex, wait! Your brother's really cool.
He peed his pants once.
Recently? When he was a kid, but I thought you should know.
Dinner! Yay! Food! A group activity.
Let's do this! [MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE SPEAKER.]
Dang! Bubbe is dancing the Hora with Cousin Irving.
You guys are Jewish? [CHUCKLES.]
No Kids, don't be alarmed by this stranger.
This is Schneider's sponsor, Max.
- Okay.
- Hey.
Hey.
Doesn't she make beautiful children? Mm-hmm.
So, tell me, Max, does she make you want to, uh, fight a duel in her honor? I would kill a thousand men for the pleasure of her smile.
I like you, Max.
Well, I feel very welcome.
Although this is not what I had planned for the evening.
Well, I'm sure you can make it up by doing what you had planned two times on another night.
[CHUCKLES.]
Mmm.
Wow.
This is so good.
Did you help cook this, Doc? As a matter of fact, I did.
Your mom and I, we work well together.
We're like two peas in a pod.
Yes, it was fun.
It was like cooking with one of my sisters.
Just the comparison I was hoping for.
I wish I could cook, but, uh Oh, no, you are too busy being a real man.
Oh, you would've been perfect for a younger me.
But, look, there is one right here.
Actually, I'm more like my dad.
Actually, Lydia, I am seeing someone, but she's really hard to read.
I don't know if she's serious about me.
She says she just wants to climb me like a beanstalk.
Drop that loser.
Yeah, man, that is insane! Who wouldn't want all this? Those sick tris and strong core, it's like looking in the mirror.
Yes.
Max, you deserve someone with beauty and brains, and shares the same passion you have to help people, like a nurse.
Remind me, honey, what is it you do every day? Price one-way flights back to Cuba.
Well, make fun of me all you want, but every woman needs a man.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- [SIGHS.]
Most women need a man.
Someone like my Berto.
Someone who can protect you, who can kill spiders for you, who can make passionate love to you to celebrate the death of a spider.
[ELENA SIGHS.]
Abuelita, come on.
You're putting things in such absolute binary gender terms.
It's reductive and it perpetuates toxic myths about masculinity.
Yeah, stop perpetrating and stuff.
You look cute on that high horse.
Uh, okay.
Right.
Got it.
Thanks so much for dinner but I'm not really that hungry, so I'm gonna chill till the lockdown's over.
They are walking away from my meal? This is your fault.
[HELICOPTER HOVERING.]
What are you doing out here? Pretty clear you didn't want me in the apartment, so [ELENA SIGHS.]
[GRUNTS AND SIGHS.]
- I'm sorry, I just - It's cool.
Uh, message received.
What message? What did you receive? That you aren't into me.
It's okay.
I'm cool with being friends.
I don't want to be your friend.
Oh, great.
Way to let me down easy.
No, look, it's the opposite.
I like you so much! Like, so, so much.
Yeah? You have a really weird way of showing it.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what I'm doing and I don't wanna mess this up.
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING.]
[OFFICER OVER SPEAKER.]
Please go back inside! Kissing teenagers, please go back inside! In a minute! - Don't worry.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I'll protect you.
No, I'll protect you.
Oh, because you're the one who kissed me first, so you're the protector? - That is so reductive.
- [CHUCKLES.]
How about we protect each other? Deal.
[OFFICER OVER SPEAKER.]
Remain inside.
We have an armed suspect still in the area.
Wow, they still haven't caught him.
Don't worry.
We have a man to protect us.
It's like we're invisible.
I'm glad you're here, too, dude.
That guy breaks in, you could take him.
You're like a male Wonder Woman.
That's your go-to? Stop scaring everyone, all right? Nobody's breaking in.
The police will take care of it.
And no one is fighting with anyone.
Your papi would! He once fought a waiter for stealing a look at me in the reflection of a spoon.
That's different.
Maybe a million years ago in Havana, you could get away with that stuff.
That was ten years ago in an IHOP.
Fighting is not the only option.
Whatever happened to running away? It's a Berkowitz family tradition.
So what, Leslie? It's good to be a coward? I'm afraid so.
So many of our heroes were cowards.
Aeneas ran away from Troy and founded Rome.
The Pilgrims fled England, and all they did was start a little country called America.
Shaggy and Scooby always run away from the bad guys.
But then, they solve the damn crime! The only reason why you know about a dead hero is because a live coward was there to tell his story! In this case, I think you're right because that guy out there has a gun.
And that is why I always felt safer knowing that your papi had a gun.
Whoa.
Really? Wait, are you saying there was a gun in the house while I was growing up? Oh, well before that.
It was a wedding gift from the Fajardos.
Of course, they wouldn't give us something from the registry.
Well, I love Papi, but that's a mistake.
Guns aren't safe.
That's why we don't have one in this house.
Okay.
Mami.
Why did you say "okay" like that? Where is it? Don't know what you're talking about.
There is a little something in my nightstand.
It's not very big and it certainly will never replace your father, but it does the job.
Is it weird that I hope it's a gun? Dang! Abuelita's packing heat! Mami.
How dare you keep something like this from me.
Relax, it isn't even loaded.
Your papi had it to protect me.
And now, I have it to protect us.
I can't believe this.
For the last decade, I've been the annoying parent that asks other parents do they own a gun.
Well, you didn't ask me.
I don't understand why you are so horrified.
Let me tell you something.
In Cuba, I saw the government turn against its own people.
We were helpless.
So, it is good to live in a country that lets you protect yourself! Now that Victor is gone, it's only just three women and a papito, all alone! - [HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING.]
- Look what's going on.
Who knows what terrible thing could happen? You can justify this any way you want, but it doesn't matter.
More bad things happen because you own a gun, not because you don't.
- That is why I hid it away.
- But that's what everybody says, Ma.
"I locked it up.
I'm careful.
I know how to use it.
" Everybody thinks they're the exception.
But no matter where you hide it, kids find it.
And accidents happen.
And things that aren't accidents.
We have teenagers in this house.
We have a gay teenager in this house.
We have a veteran with PTS.
This is the last house that should have a gun.
I didn't think of it that way, Lupita.
I am sorry.
[SIGHS.]
It's fine.
It's okay.
But we're turning that in to the police, got it? Okay, okay.
- We have a gun! - No, Mami, no! No, no! No.
[SIGHS.]
The police station.
Tomorrow.
Okay.
We're getting rid of the gun.
Can you put this at your place until tomorrow morning? I'll put it in my panic room.
- Why didn't you go there? - I panicked.
[PENELOPE SIGHS.]
Heck of a night to meet your family.
And you.
It's a good thing that we're just casual acquaintances, otherwise, I'd be pretty embarrassed.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about.
Although, someone did grab my butt tonight.
It was either your mom or Schneider.
[SIGHS.]
[OFFICER OVER SPEAKER.]
Attention, the suspect has been apprehended.
You may come out of your homes.
The lockdown is over.
Well, I did it.
I got us through this.
So, what do you say, sponsor? Lunch tomorrow? Yeah! Sure, dude.
Let's do it.
So, should I just get your number from Penelope or Oh, we're really doing this? All right.
Syd, I'll give you a ride home.
Uh, do you mind if we listen to Pagliacci in the car? I must warn you, I weep from start to finish.
That's cool.
Nothing can make me sad right now.
[ELENA CHUCKLES.]
I will walk you out to make sure you are safe.
I still have these guns.
You know, Lydia I bet ya I could nurse this cactus back to life.
They say I have quite the green thumb.
Oh? Nothing dies on my watch.
Oh.
Oh, and goodbye, Max.
And I hope that idiota that you are dating realizes what she has.
Thank you, Lydia.
Me, too.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Well, I don't know, Max.
I'm sure that girl's more into you than you think she is.
Maybe invite her over for dinner Saturday night for Thai food, 7:45, and wear those boxer briefs you know she likes? And if you wanna talk, I'm sure she'd be down for it.
It's nice meeting you idiota.
Mami, I know your secret.
Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
I was gonna tell you.
I really was You're gonna get rid of it? What? Your gun.
Under the floorboard in your bedroom.
In the safe.
How do you know about that? I thought maybe it was Christmas presents.
I figured out the combination, I'm sorry.
- Did you touch it? - No, I only looked at it.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
Look, I was in the army.
I was trained how to use it.
Not everybody is.
When your papi left, I didn't wanna find ourselves in a position where we needed one and didn't have it.
You always say that's what everyone says.
But I'm different.
I know how [SIGHS.]
I'll get rid of it.
Okay.
Good.
And that guy? Max? What? I know he has a girlfriend, but whatever, - you could take her, Mom.
- [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Thanks, papito.
You don't want to be late for Comic-Con.
[LYDIA.]
Aw.
Qué fun.
[CHUCKLES.]
My granddaughter is dating a box.
Actually, I'm the TARDIS.
Oh! "TARDIS.
" Elena said I must never use that word anymore.
Uh, it's from Doctor Who, Abuelita.
The TARDIS is a time-traveling police box.
I'm dressed as the Fourth Doctor.
Pretty sure people are going to want to take pictures with us, which is the ultimate Comic-Con win.
Next to being able to rap in Klingon.
Ay, pobrecita, you are even more of a nerd than Elena.
Ah.
You guys look great.
And, Alex [CHUCKLES.]
You look so handsome.
It's my first Bar Mitzvah.
I don't want to look like a schlemiel.
Dr.
Berkowitz has been teaching me Yiddish.
The kid's a natural.
I'm plotzing with nachas.
Ay, papito, I can't believe it's your first sleepover.
Yeah.
Only eight short years after all my friends had their first sleepover.
Hey! Be thankful that Abuelita and I are being so cool about it.
I vetted the mom.
She was in the Israeli army, super strict.
No guns in the home.
Liquor cabinet's locked.
No large dogs.
She gets it.
Okay, I color-coded the panel schedule so we can hit as many as we can before the Dungeons & Dragons session.
Roll a D20, with a plus-five to fun! Blink twice if you need help.
You're not gonna have time to talk to each other.
This is our first date, okay? I really like Syd.
I want them to like me back, so I packed our day full of stuff so I have no time to be awkward.
That's what's so brilliant about this schedule.
We never have to talk.
Mmm.
Talking is a good thing.
I bet you Doctor Who even talks to his patients.
He's not that kind of doctor.
He is a Time Lord, everybody knows this.
What's your costume? The Wicked Witch of the East Side? Don't make jokes about witchcraft.
It's like SanterÃa.
I don't believe in it but I respect it.
We're catching Pagliacci at the San Diego Opera House.
For some reason, I've always empathized with sad clowns.
[SIGHS.]
You guys gotta get moving.
Let's go! Come on! I have so much studying to do.
I'm gonna miss you guys, but you gotta beat the traffic, I gotta hit the books.
Ah, I'm gonna pull an all-nighter, make those little flashcards.
I'm gonna do some highlighting.
All right, I'm gonna miss you guys so much! [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Okay.
Yes.
You look good, girl.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Hid in the hallway until your family left, like a secret agent.
Then I did a shoulder roll.
Didn't have to, just felt cool.
Maybe I'll meet your family for real next time.
Uh, you don't want to meet those people.
How about for now, you just say hi to the girls? I thought you had a son and a Oh.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- [PENELOPE.]
Mmm.
Wait, hold on.
- Okay, let's go.
- [LAUGHING.]
[BOTH MOANING.]
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[GRUNTING.]
No.
That's my mom's room.
There's crosses, pictures of the Pope, and my dad's ghost's in there.
It's not a sexy place.
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING.]
What's that? Oh! It's just a police helicopter.
Otherwise known as Echo Park in July.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[OFFICER OVER SPEAKER.]
We're in pursuit of a dangerous suspect.
He is armed.
Everyone, go back inside, and do not leave your building.
Think your family made it out? - [LYDIA GRUNTS.]
- [PENELOPE GASPS.]
Lupe! There is a murderer running loose.
Get in there.
Okay, coming! [PANTING.]
Coming! Yeah.
Okay! Oh, you guys are back.
Great, great, great, great, great.
There's a police helicopter out there.
They're not letting us leave.
- Why do you look so nice? - Oh, this? This is what I wear when you aren't here.
You just never see it.
I have never been more proud of you.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
[OFFICER OVER SPEAKER.]
For your safety, please remain inside until further notice.
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING.]
We're going to miss the masquerade and the dance party.
And the Firefly panel, the Zombie Run, the Buffy sing-a-long, and the super-gay Supergirl meet up.
But this lockdown is awesome.
Maybe it's the Daleks.
"Exterminate.
Exterminate.
" Actually, this seems like a pretty serious situation.
But it's okay.
We'll just hang out and talk.
[CHUCKLES.]
Talk? Yeah.
Wait.
Keep the costumes on, and go up to Schneider's.
He's a man-child who lives off his parents, and likes dressing up in weird outfits.
He is Comic-Con.
I think we're gonna be stuck here for a while.
- [LYDIA SIGHS.]
- I'm sorry we're going to miss the opera.
Let me see if I can get a refund on our tickets.
Hey, hey! Why are you going in here? Because it's where you make me live like a dog without a door.
Actually, Mami, why don't you make everyone something to eat? There are over three people, and no one is cooking.
What kind of Cuban are you? That's true.
Mala cubana.
Hey, kids, why don't you go to your rooms and wait until dinner? - Cool.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You want us to be alone in my room? Me and my date? Leave the door open.
Feet on the ground.
Alex will check on you.
- No, ew.
- Come on.
[LYDIA SCREAMS.]
[PENELOPE YELLING AND PANTING.]
My succulent died! Oh [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Ay, who is that? - [STAMMERS.]
It's probably one of those shirtless door-to-door salesmen.
[PENELOPE AND DR.
BERKOWITZ SCREAM.]
Hey, guys.
Why are you wearing a gas mask? Why aren't you? With all that's going on out there? Oh, man.
Now, look, I prepared us a survival kit.
It's a little bare-bones.
Water purification pills, MREs, enough cash to get us to Cape Verde by boat, just the basics.
[SIGHS.]
Anyway, you're safe now that I'm here.
- We were safe when you weren't here.
- Okay.
But can I stay? I'm all alone up there.
Do you have any idea how scary it is being a wealthy white man in a lavish apartment? [HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING.]
I'm a target! Of course you can stay, Schneider.
Why should this night be different from any other night? - [SCHNEIDER SIGHING.]
- [SPEAKING HEBREW.]
Nailed it.
[WHISPERS.]
Schneider, come here.
Max is here somewhere.
Unless he's Houdini.
Maybe he is, I don't know him that well.
What are you talking about? They were supposed to be gone, and he was just here, and we were supposed to, you know - Oh.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Shag City got shut down by the po-po.
I can't wait to meet him.
I've been following him on Instagram.
Seems like a super cool dude.
Great abs.
[SIGHS.]
I know, right? [CHUCKLES.]
But it's way too soon.
Nobody is meeting him, especially not my mom.
One look at him, bam, she's sewing me in a wedding dress, and you'll be my maid of honor.
I would be so honored.
Look, right now our relationship is, like, the perfect little fantasy.
He hasn't seen me with zit cream on my face, and inhaling a bag of Cheetos like it's nothing.
And I don't know if I want him to.
I just wanna keep climbing him like a beanstalk, and never reach the top.
That's it.
I don't even wanna know his middle name.
Vernon.
Can I have my shirt? He looks shorter than I thought.
So, I guess you're stuck with me.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
- Oh.
A Wrinkle in Time.
- Yeah, it's stupid.
- It's my favorite book.
- Stupid how much I love it.
You okay, there? Yeah.
I'm just super hungry.
For food.
Uh, how about we be normal and get snacks? - Elena, can you help me? - Shurbly-burbly.
- What is up with you? - Nothing.
Oh.
Are you "shurbly-burbly"? Help me make things less awkward.
You're good at talking.
People say you're charming.
People are right.
I'll work some magic.
Just because I'm missing the Bar Mitzvah doesn't mean I can't be a mensch.
Okay.
[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING.]
Here, quick, Schneider, help me.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Okay, okay.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
- Just go, just go.
- Go, go, go.
Yes, go.
All right.
Okay.
- [LYDIA SCREAMS.]
- [PENELOPE GASPS.]
Is that the killer? Leslie, stay behind me.
Wait.
No.
No, no, no.
You are too handsome to be a killer.
Thank you? Who are you? [STUTTERS.]
This? Him? [STAMMERS.]
Go ahead and tell them who he is.
This is Max, my sponsor.
From Alcoholics Anonymous.
So, forget I just said his name.
So great to meet you, Max.
Why don't you two head over to Schneider's apartment? - Yes! - Sounds great, Penelope.
It is Penelope? - Yeah, good guess.
Bye.
- Yeah.
[LYDIA.]
No, no, no, no.
Ridiculous.
We are in lockdown.
You must stay for dinner.
Okay, Double-A Alex Alvarez and Syd Vicious coming at you from hashtag, lockdown.
- See anything? - [HELICOPTER HOVERING.]
I see a fire escape, easy access for zombies.
You guys are my witnesses.
Alex, if I get bitten by a zombie, promise me right now that you will take me out.
Do not let me turn.
I'm not going to do that, Syd! I won't be Syd anymore! I'll kill you! [CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Ooh, they're FaceTiming me from the Bar Mitzvah.
Yeah, this can't be my background.
I'm out.
Oh, Alex, Alex, wait! Your brother's really cool.
He peed his pants once.
Recently? When he was a kid, but I thought you should know.
Dinner! Yay! Food! A group activity.
Let's do this! [MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE SPEAKER.]
Dang! Bubbe is dancing the Hora with Cousin Irving.
You guys are Jewish? [CHUCKLES.]
No Kids, don't be alarmed by this stranger.
This is Schneider's sponsor, Max.
- Okay.
- Hey.
Hey.
Doesn't she make beautiful children? Mm-hmm.
So, tell me, Max, does she make you want to, uh, fight a duel in her honor? I would kill a thousand men for the pleasure of her smile.
I like you, Max.
Well, I feel very welcome.
Although this is not what I had planned for the evening.
Well, I'm sure you can make it up by doing what you had planned two times on another night.
[CHUCKLES.]
Mmm.
Wow.
This is so good.
Did you help cook this, Doc? As a matter of fact, I did.
Your mom and I, we work well together.
We're like two peas in a pod.
Yes, it was fun.
It was like cooking with one of my sisters.
Just the comparison I was hoping for.
I wish I could cook, but, uh Oh, no, you are too busy being a real man.
Oh, you would've been perfect for a younger me.
But, look, there is one right here.
Actually, I'm more like my dad.
Actually, Lydia, I am seeing someone, but she's really hard to read.
I don't know if she's serious about me.
She says she just wants to climb me like a beanstalk.
Drop that loser.
Yeah, man, that is insane! Who wouldn't want all this? Those sick tris and strong core, it's like looking in the mirror.
Yes.
Max, you deserve someone with beauty and brains, and shares the same passion you have to help people, like a nurse.
Remind me, honey, what is it you do every day? Price one-way flights back to Cuba.
Well, make fun of me all you want, but every woman needs a man.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- [SIGHS.]
Most women need a man.
Someone like my Berto.
Someone who can protect you, who can kill spiders for you, who can make passionate love to you to celebrate the death of a spider.
[ELENA SIGHS.]
Abuelita, come on.
You're putting things in such absolute binary gender terms.
It's reductive and it perpetuates toxic myths about masculinity.
Yeah, stop perpetrating and stuff.
You look cute on that high horse.
Uh, okay.
Right.
Got it.
Thanks so much for dinner but I'm not really that hungry, so I'm gonna chill till the lockdown's over.
They are walking away from my meal? This is your fault.
[HELICOPTER HOVERING.]
What are you doing out here? Pretty clear you didn't want me in the apartment, so [ELENA SIGHS.]
[GRUNTS AND SIGHS.]
- I'm sorry, I just - It's cool.
Uh, message received.
What message? What did you receive? That you aren't into me.
It's okay.
I'm cool with being friends.
I don't want to be your friend.
Oh, great.
Way to let me down easy.
No, look, it's the opposite.
I like you so much! Like, so, so much.
Yeah? You have a really weird way of showing it.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what I'm doing and I don't wanna mess this up.
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING.]
[OFFICER OVER SPEAKER.]
Please go back inside! Kissing teenagers, please go back inside! In a minute! - Don't worry.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I'll protect you.
No, I'll protect you.
Oh, because you're the one who kissed me first, so you're the protector? - That is so reductive.
- [CHUCKLES.]
How about we protect each other? Deal.
[OFFICER OVER SPEAKER.]
Remain inside.
We have an armed suspect still in the area.
Wow, they still haven't caught him.
Don't worry.
We have a man to protect us.
It's like we're invisible.
I'm glad you're here, too, dude.
That guy breaks in, you could take him.
You're like a male Wonder Woman.
That's your go-to? Stop scaring everyone, all right? Nobody's breaking in.
The police will take care of it.
And no one is fighting with anyone.
Your papi would! He once fought a waiter for stealing a look at me in the reflection of a spoon.
That's different.
Maybe a million years ago in Havana, you could get away with that stuff.
That was ten years ago in an IHOP.
Fighting is not the only option.
Whatever happened to running away? It's a Berkowitz family tradition.
So what, Leslie? It's good to be a coward? I'm afraid so.
So many of our heroes were cowards.
Aeneas ran away from Troy and founded Rome.
The Pilgrims fled England, and all they did was start a little country called America.
Shaggy and Scooby always run away from the bad guys.
But then, they solve the damn crime! The only reason why you know about a dead hero is because a live coward was there to tell his story! In this case, I think you're right because that guy out there has a gun.
And that is why I always felt safer knowing that your papi had a gun.
Whoa.
Really? Wait, are you saying there was a gun in the house while I was growing up? Oh, well before that.
It was a wedding gift from the Fajardos.
Of course, they wouldn't give us something from the registry.
Well, I love Papi, but that's a mistake.
Guns aren't safe.
That's why we don't have one in this house.
Okay.
Mami.
Why did you say "okay" like that? Where is it? Don't know what you're talking about.
There is a little something in my nightstand.
It's not very big and it certainly will never replace your father, but it does the job.
Is it weird that I hope it's a gun? Dang! Abuelita's packing heat! Mami.
How dare you keep something like this from me.
Relax, it isn't even loaded.
Your papi had it to protect me.
And now, I have it to protect us.
I can't believe this.
For the last decade, I've been the annoying parent that asks other parents do they own a gun.
Well, you didn't ask me.
I don't understand why you are so horrified.
Let me tell you something.
In Cuba, I saw the government turn against its own people.
We were helpless.
So, it is good to live in a country that lets you protect yourself! Now that Victor is gone, it's only just three women and a papito, all alone! - [HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING.]
- Look what's going on.
Who knows what terrible thing could happen? You can justify this any way you want, but it doesn't matter.
More bad things happen because you own a gun, not because you don't.
- That is why I hid it away.
- But that's what everybody says, Ma.
"I locked it up.
I'm careful.
I know how to use it.
" Everybody thinks they're the exception.
But no matter where you hide it, kids find it.
And accidents happen.
And things that aren't accidents.
We have teenagers in this house.
We have a gay teenager in this house.
We have a veteran with PTS.
This is the last house that should have a gun.
I didn't think of it that way, Lupita.
I am sorry.
[SIGHS.]
It's fine.
It's okay.
But we're turning that in to the police, got it? Okay, okay.
- We have a gun! - No, Mami, no! No, no! No.
[SIGHS.]
The police station.
Tomorrow.
Okay.
We're getting rid of the gun.
Can you put this at your place until tomorrow morning? I'll put it in my panic room.
- Why didn't you go there? - I panicked.
[PENELOPE SIGHS.]
Heck of a night to meet your family.
And you.
It's a good thing that we're just casual acquaintances, otherwise, I'd be pretty embarrassed.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about.
Although, someone did grab my butt tonight.
It was either your mom or Schneider.
[SIGHS.]
[OFFICER OVER SPEAKER.]
Attention, the suspect has been apprehended.
You may come out of your homes.
The lockdown is over.
Well, I did it.
I got us through this.
So, what do you say, sponsor? Lunch tomorrow? Yeah! Sure, dude.
Let's do it.
So, should I just get your number from Penelope or Oh, we're really doing this? All right.
Syd, I'll give you a ride home.
Uh, do you mind if we listen to Pagliacci in the car? I must warn you, I weep from start to finish.
That's cool.
Nothing can make me sad right now.
[ELENA CHUCKLES.]
I will walk you out to make sure you are safe.
I still have these guns.
You know, Lydia I bet ya I could nurse this cactus back to life.
They say I have quite the green thumb.
Oh? Nothing dies on my watch.
Oh.
Oh, and goodbye, Max.
And I hope that idiota that you are dating realizes what she has.
Thank you, Lydia.
Me, too.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Well, I don't know, Max.
I'm sure that girl's more into you than you think she is.
Maybe invite her over for dinner Saturday night for Thai food, 7:45, and wear those boxer briefs you know she likes? And if you wanna talk, I'm sure she'd be down for it.
It's nice meeting you idiota.
Mami, I know your secret.
Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
I was gonna tell you.
I really was You're gonna get rid of it? What? Your gun.
Under the floorboard in your bedroom.
In the safe.
How do you know about that? I thought maybe it was Christmas presents.
I figured out the combination, I'm sorry.
- Did you touch it? - No, I only looked at it.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
Look, I was in the army.
I was trained how to use it.
Not everybody is.
When your papi left, I didn't wanna find ourselves in a position where we needed one and didn't have it.
You always say that's what everyone says.
But I'm different.
I know how [SIGHS.]
I'll get rid of it.
Okay.
Good.
And that guy? Max? What? I know he has a girlfriend, but whatever, - you could take her, Mom.
- [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Thanks, papito.