Paradise PD (2018) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Huh? What the hell is all this? Crime is at an all-time high because of houndstooth meth.
We've had to make so many arrests, we're running out of space and equipment.
Is that why you're using six-pack rings for handcuffs? Lucky for us, I drank 12 cases of Sunkist for breakfast.
Dusty, I don't think that's good for your diabetes.
A little sugar ain't never hurt nobo Did my hand just fall off? I can't see.
Okay, you degenerates.
Put any houndstooth meth you have on you into this bag.
Yeah! Whoa! What's with the bling? You do know the only jewelry Dusty likes are candy necklaces and Ring Pops? Hey, you son of a bitch! I might not be able to see, but I can still hear.
And taste.
Goddamn it! The houndstooth tweakers can't afford to pay bills, so they're auctioning off their storage units.
All this bling was only twenty bucks.
Ooh, I need to get in on these storage auctions.
Sounds like easier money than when I sold Hopson invisibility pills.
Hopson! What What the hell are you doing? Just being invisible and looking at your cock.
This surge in crime is all Agent Clappers' fault.
He took away all my Kingpin evidence and hasn't done diddly shit! It's time for me to have a little talk with that federal fuck nugget.
In the meantime, I want every single criminal in this place put in a cell.
I'm on it! I've always wanted to play human Tetris.
Get your butt in there Did it! Cleared it! Now, I'm not a sentimental man.
I never cried in my life.
Not even when I was born.
I came out of my mother's fun tunnel and said, "I've got work to do, where's my gun?" But even I am a little misty because my partner is retiring today after 50 years on the force.
I just hope he makes it through these final eight hours without dying.
The man I'm talking about is Dunfore.
Agent Dunfore.
Eight hours from now, my lovely wife Beatrice and I will be fulfilling a lifelong dream, driving our brand new RV down to the most beautiful city in America, Jacksonville.
I'm so happy, I could die.
But of course I won't.
I'm 100% sure that nothing's going to go wrong today.
Yeah, that guy's fucked.
What about the Kingpin case? Clappers, you ain't done jack shit while meth is destroying my town.
Crawford, what is the meaning of this? I should have your badge for speaking at a press conference without a goddamn podium.
No podium, huh? Dusty, podium me! Thank you, Party City.
Well, I think I've proved my point.
Real investigations take time, you pathetic loser, but I'm pleased to announce I solved the mystery of what happened to your face.
Someone fucked your chin and got your neck pregnant.
I knew it! Wait a second Screw you, Clappers! Could a pathetic loser make an exit like this? Fuck yo-o-ou! You win this round, Crawford.
We have reached $100 million in profits from houndstooth meth, almost enough to fully fund Operation DD, which will be a bigger disaster than Pearl Harbor, or any of Ben Affleck's other movies.
Does this mean we're finally getting paid? Absolutely in cute little Troll Dolls.
He is tough, but fair.
Frank, what's your freaky son even doing here? His nanny went missing.
Oh, my God! That wasn't even his nanny.
Boss, got a tiny sliver of a problem with the money.
You were able to move our $100 million to the Cayman Islands, right? I tried, boss.
Turns out, there's no such thing as Caveman Island, which makes no sense, because where the hell did Ron Perlman come from then, eh? What Ron Perlman do to deserve this? Unga bunga! Anyway, I put the money someplace safe: a self-storage unit in the worst part of town.
You put $100 million in a storage locker? That's a problem! No, that's not the problem, the problem is the storage unit's been foreclosed 'cause I didn't pay the rent.
Why didn't you pay the rent? Because all our money's locked in the storage unit! Thester, you idiot! If I wanted a dumbass neanderthal working for me, I would've hired Ron Perlman! That's it! Ron Perlman write anger-y letter.
Okay, we got two units left for sale.
Take your pick.
- I'll take - I'll take that one.
Old people are slow.
I guess I'll take this one then.
Let's see what's inside.
That's got to be like $100 million! Ooh, I can't wait to see what's in my locker.
Congratulations, you own everything inside.
Hopson? I own Hopson? What are you even doing in my locker? I live here.
They kicked me out of my last place.
You know, if they don't want you sucking on the orderly's titties, they shouldn't call it a damn nursing home.
The sweet smell of loneliness.
Drop the nerd porn and get in the car.
I need your daddy to stop sticking his nose in my dick titties.
He just wants to find the Kingpin, not sniff around your your penis breasts.
I'm finding the Kingpin, son, and I don't need a lousy cop in my way.
He's not a lousy cop.
But did he almost execute Dusty Marlowe? The only thing that fat son of a bitch ever murdered was an IHOP bathroom.
- Yeah, but - Your daddy also moonlighted as a stripper named Simmer Sausage, and I heard he took more than tips.
Look out! Almost died, and with only six hours to retirement.
Boy, would Beatrice have been sad.
Plus, she's in a wheelchair and I'm the only one who can take care of her, but fortunately, soon we'll be dining in the finest restaurant in Jacksonville: Outback Steakhouse.
Start blooming that onion, mates, because I'm as alive as the right side of Beatrice's brain! Yeah, that guy's fucked.
I guess since I own you, I have no choice but to take you in.
Hot crackers! I haven't lived in a doghouse since I was Bob Barker's personal gimp.
Yeah, he always wanted me to come on down his throat.
Maybe show funny after all.
Nice, Hopson.
And I thought Ron Perlman had a low brow.
Ron Perlman speak too soon.
Ow! Stop it! Dusty, what the hell's going on here? Criminals got tired of Tetris so they all switched to Mortal Kombat! Get over here.
Flawless victory.
Either my blood sugar's low or Gina's a goddamn demon.
Dad, there's a riot out there! What are you doing? I'm waterboarding this guy 'til he admits he's the Kingpin.
Thanks.
I don't think you're doing that right.
I think your daddy found a list of torture methods on the internet, but didn't take the time to find out what they actually were.
All right.
Just for that, I'm putting you back in the rack.
This one's my favorite.
Do you really think Robby is the Kingpin? No.
I'm just going to torture the piss out of everybody in town until I find out who it is.
You're up next, Kevin.
That's insane! I always looked up to you, Dad.
I wanted to be just like you, but I finally realize the truth.
You're just not a good cop.
How could you say that, Kevin? I am a good cop.
Chief, I need a little help.
One of these prisoners stole my gun and shot me seven eight times.
You wanna make it nine? Get out! It's not helping your case, Dad.
Oh, really? I'll prove to you that I am a good cop.
Delbert, there you are! Man, the chief's been torturing my ass all day.
He tortured me too.
He put me in the Iron Maiden.
I don't even like heavy metal.
Hmm, I don't get it.
I'm gon' go back in there and see if I can suck on Chief's titties again.
All right, Dusty.
I'm going to steal my evidence back from the FBI and find that son of a bitch Kingpin.
Thanks for tagging along to be my lookout.
Thanks for stopping by Party City so I could buy this cat burglar costume.
Meow! Oh, Jesus! Just watch the door while I find the Kingpin evidence, but they can't know we're here, so, whatever you do, don't touch a thing.
Oops.
I didn't do it on purr-pose.
Shit, someone's coming.
Not me, that's just how I breathe.
- Come on, in here! - Whoa! Agent Clappers, you in there? - We're screwed! - Not so fast.
This costume ain't the only thing I picked up at Party City.
Hi, I'm Agent Clappers.
How dare you open the door to my office.
I'm so mad, I decided to talk without moving my mouth.
I am Agent Clappers.
Sorry, I didn't realize you were in here.
Someone broke into the building.
I broke in to test you and you failed.
Now take a hike.
Bing bang boom.
Dick titties.
I am Agent Clappers! Yes, sir.
Sorry, sir! I can't believe he bought it.
That was a terrible Clappers impression.
Who's in my office? Bing bang boom.
Dick titties.
- I am Agent Clappers.
- Chief, we gotta get out of here.
No, I can't leave empty-handed.
There's gotta be some piece of evidence around here.
Ooh! Look! An address labeled "Kingpin.
" Bingo! Let's go! Sorry, Agent Clappers.
I didn't realize you were in here.
Wait a minute.
Agent Clappers never works this late.
Also, I am Agent Clappers! Let's roll, Dusty! It's time to catch us a kingpin.
Well, it looks like this little cat has once again landed right on his testicles.
That was a close one.
Four hours and 23 minutes until retirement and I was almost crushed under a giant sexy cat.
Beatrice would have slowly starved to death with no one to feed her.
Crows would have made a meal of her eyes.
Well, sorry, crows, I'm not gonna die today.
Yeah, that guy is going to be just fine.
I'm kidding.
He's fucked.
Ain't I a bad kitty? Okay, there she is.
We're gonna kick down the door, knock that old white bitch out, and take our money back.
That plan is simple and efficient, boss, but lacks comic hijinks.
So instead, let's pull the old "African prince" scam.
Cheerio, my love.
I am a Nigerian prince, here from darkest Africa.
I know.
I got your email.
I'd love to give you all my money, but I already donated all of it to the Catholic Church.
Great.
Wakanda foreve-e-er! Your dirty, dirty daddy's really crossed the line this time, Kevin.
No, this couldn't have been my dad.
He might be an incompetent police officer, but he's not a criminal.
If you really believe your ding-dong dirty daddy is so innocent, why don't you prove it? - How? - By wearing a wire.
I wanna help my dad, but I don't know about the wire.
What do you mean you don't know about The Wire? It was the best show ever.
I loved it when that handsome, smoldering Lieutenant Daniels was like, "McNulty!" or "Hey, McNulty!" or "My office now, McNulty!" Ehh, it's no Bones.
Well, nothing's Bones, Kevin, that's a goddamn masterpiece.
Now, are you going to wear this wire or not? The only way to prove my dad's innocence is to try the wire.
At least give it to Season 2, Episode 12.
That's when Lieutenant Daniels takes his shirt off.
You'll be like, "How can a man be so skinny and so ripped at the same time?" If that don't take your dong dumplings to the disco, I don't know what will.
Evening, Padre.
Turns out that money you're counting belongs to us, and if you know what's good for you, you hand it over.
Of course, my son.
Let me gather it all up for you.
But can you do an old man one small favor first? I guess so.
What? Lick my mossy Irish taint! Do you know who you're talking to? Oh, you think you're bad, do you? We're the Catholic feckin' Church! We don't even need your feckin' cash! I'm gonna blow it all on a giant stained glass window of my puckered ass, so you can all bend down and kiss it.
- You can't talk that way to me! - Oh, you don't like it, do you? Well, maybe you should take it up with my boss, 'cause you're about to feckin' meet him.
Ow! Shit! Just one ball to the face and you're crying like an altar boy.
What are y'all waiting for! Get him! Slight problem, boss.
What are we worried about? They're just a bunch of Peace be with you, you pussies! Oh, what are you all so mad about? At least you don't own a Hopson.
Hopson! I go out to do a little coke with Scrappy Doo and you trash the place.
You shit on the floor! You shit on the couch! You shit in the toaster? And what are you doing on my bed? I'm trying to decide if this tastes better or feels better.
I love being a dog.
Who said you're a dog? Well, I got an owner and I live in a doghouse, and I got worms.
That's it! You wanna act like a dog? I'm gonna treat you like a dog.
There, now I can black out in peace.
Wh-whoa, what is it, boy? What's wrong? What are you trying to say? I'm sorry! My teeth was in backwards.
The goddamn house is on fire! You saved my life.
Who's a good Hopson? Huh? Who's a good Hopson? No.
Oh, G No, that's your dick tongue.
There was a dog who owned a man And Hopson was his name-o H-O-P-S-O-N H-O-P-S-O-N And Hopson was his name-o H-O-P-S Oh, shit! Imagine that! People acting like animals.
Ah, good one, writers.
Oh, man.
Who knew the Catholic Church was so fucked up? Okay.
Good point.
Don't worry, boss.
Whole new plan.
We've dressed Jerry up like an altar boy.
We're gonna send him into the church, Priest will fiddle with his fingle-fangle, then we sue, they settle for a 100 million quid, and our problems are solved.
Are you kidding me? Even a priest wouldn't diddle this fishy freak.
Don't you say that about my son! We Flipperfists pride ourselves on being very molestable! Look! He's tight like drum! No priest can resist! We're not doing that stupid-ass plan because I call the shots, because I'm the Kingpin.
I'm the Kingpin! Fitz why are you calling yourself the Kingpin? Because, uh we're a bowling team and I'm the best bowler.
Or the the king of the pins.
Bowling team? You know what? I'm calling shenanigans.
Hello, is this Shenanigans Bar and Grill? I'd like to place a family-sized order of Shenaniwings for my bowling buddies.
Some of 'em don't even have fingers and no bowling balls, or pins.
And that guy's shirt says "Fuck bowling!" Wait a minute! That means that you, Fitz, are the Kingpin! Looks like you finally solved the case, Chief.
How could you, Fitz? I trusted you! Yeah.
That was a bad call.
Roast this pig! Chief Crawford's neck is so fat It's so fat, he puts on a scarf with a boomerang.
I meant "kill.
" It's a tough room, boss.
Hey, Chief! Woody from Brickleberry called.
He wants his voice back! Ha! No, you stupid motherfucker! Shoot him with your guns! He knows.
Clean it up.
Thanks, Dusty.
I'm all right, Chief.
Who caveman now, huh? Unga bunga! Go, boy, go! Well, how do you do, too? Ugh, what is that? He's a geriatric sex maniac mix.
I think there's a bit of Alzheimer's in there, too.
Look how well-behaved he is.
Hopson, sit! Okay, now stay.
I'll have you know that my dog is preparing for tonight's Paradise Dog Show, und I only want his scheißehole sniffed by real pets.
"Real pet"? Hopson's a damn better pet than any of yours, and I'll prove it! Oh, yeah? How? Oh, my God! I don't care if you were kicked out of the dog show, Hopson.
You're still the best pet a guy could have.
You proved that a man can be a dog's best friend.
Like I don't have enough to deal with, now I've gotta arrest you and put Hopson on the sex offender list.
I'm already on there.
Just put another check mark next to my name.
Pat Robinson, do you think your friend can help us get our money back? Trust me.
This guy's a miracle worker.
I'll only do this if you promise to leave me alone and stop being such a homophobic asshole.
How can I be homophobic? I jerk off to Jesus.
- What? - Nothing.
- Hi.
- Can I have your autograph? I am your biggest fan.
Thank you for all you've done for the people of this world.
You're very welcome, my child.
Jesus? I thought you were Jared Leto.
You are one dirty little tube sock, aren't you, huh? First, I'm gonna warm you up in this dryer, then I'm gonna screw the stripes off you while your twin sister watches.
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, man.
I forgot I was wearing a wire.
Uhh I-I was just talking to my human girlfriend named Tube Sock.
Tell them, Tube Sock.
He's lying! I'm just a sock.
- You bitch! - Kevin! Big news! I just broke into the FBI and stole their evidence.
What a jokester you are, Dad.
I know you're kidding about breaking into the FBI.
No, I'm as serious as an episode of Bones.
In fact, come closer, so you can hear this real clearly.
I, Chief Randall Crawford, solemnly swear that I broke into the FBI in a very illegal way.
But, more importantly, I know who the Kingpin is.
It's FBI! Everybody down on the ground! Get down! Good job, Kevin.
We got it all on tape, including the part about you fucking laundry.
Kevin? How could you? Dad! I-I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Huh, looks like he, uh, dropped a Post-It note.
One hour, 18 minutes and 23 seconds until retirement, and I was almost beheaded by a space rock.
Never would have got to see the beautiful Jacksonville Zoo.
I hear they have a new exhibit: "Three birds we found.
" Good thing I'm gonna live long into my golden years.
So, you boys back for another arse-whooping? Not this time.
We brought backup.
Bless you, my good servant.
I need you to hand over that money now.
Oh, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ! 'Tis a miracle.
I shall give you that money right away.
But first, can you do a poor sinner one small favor? What, my son? Climb back up on that crucifix and pogo your scrawny ass out the feckin' door! Excuse me? You got thorns in your ears? I said, feck off! You ain't taking our feckin' money, you greedy Jew! But I'm Jesus.
And Mickey Mouse is Mickey Mouse, but he don't call the feckin' shots at Disney, does he? Now get lost or this year's Good Friday's gonna be on a Tuesday.
- Who's going to make me? - Oh, no.
Did you see me in there? I was like, "pow!" Kicking butt and taking names.
No you weren't.
You were crying in the corner while those nuns beat your ass.
No! I was like, "boom!" And then I was like, "pew-pew!" Is "pew-pew" the sound of you shitting your pants? 'Cause that's all you did.
Jerry! You ate all the money? Oh, I could just kiss you all over.
And you said he wasn't molestable, uh? Tight like drum! Beatrice, the wait is over.
Northeastern Florida, here we come.
You know, I technically still have 13 minutes on the clock.
I should probably follow one last lead.
Don't worry, honey.
It won't take long.
In fact, to save time, I won't even bother putting on my bulletproof vest.
Hello? Anyone in here? Just a few more weeks of houndstooth meth sales and I'll have everything I need to initiate Operation DD.
Soon the whole world will know my name.
The Kingpin! Freeze, Kingpin! Agent Dunfore, FBI.
You're under arrest.
You got me.
I won't give you any trouble, but my machine gun will! Whoa.
My guardian angel must be working overtime.
The boys aren't gonna believe this! The biggest arrest of my career.
And my retirement starts in three, two Damn.
That was close.
Thanks, Agent Clappers.
You're welcome boss.
And Crawford's taken care of? Put away by his own son.
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
I'm so sorry, Beatrice, but your husband was just killed in the line of duty a mere 0.
7 seconds before his retirement.
May God rest his soul.
Thank Christ! I don't have to go to Jacksonville.
There was a dog who owned a man And Hopson was his name-o H-O-P-S-O-N H-O-P-S-O-N And Hopson was his name-o There was a dog who owned a man And Hopson was his name-o H-O-P-S-O-N H-O-P-S-O-N And Hopson was his name-o H-O-P-S Oh shit!